DU'ers who are primary caregivers for their parents..

[HipChick]

How do/did you share responsibilities amongst your siblings?

Apparently, because I am the only one without kids/spouse, by default this responsibility has been left to me

I know they say you don't pick your family,but sometimes I wish I could disown my siblings..

[In_The_Wind]

1. Working with family isn't always easy.

My brother-in-law took care of my mother-in-law's needs because he lived only a few miles away from her. Her granddaughter would bring her over for Friday night visits with the great grandchildren and provide home-cooked meals for her.

I'm sorry your siblings are pushing everything off on you. It isn't fair.

[HipChick]

2. My younger brother tries...

but his own young wife passed away a few years ago with cancer, so he is trying to raise his kid as a single father..

The rest of my siblings suck eggs..

[In_The_Wind]

4. I hear ya on the suck eggs part.

[URL=http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y2/Freebird1/The%20Freebird/holiday/Christmas_time_at_last/?action=view¤t=HumBug.jpg][IMG][/IMG][/URL]


Being a single parent must be hard on your brother.

[Baitball Blogger]

3. There are a number of ways they can and should help.

The one that is the most helpful is a scheduled break time where they come in and sit with your mom or dad while you get some personal time. The other is to send money.

[Maine-ah]

5. just went through this, HipChick

My mother passed away in May.

There are actually four siblings in my family - two who are unmentionable (aka they who shall not be named) My brother ended up moving in with our Mom. There was no way I could have - husband, small child and animals.

So, I ended up with the daytime shift, and my brother the nighttime shift - and if it was anything to do with "personal" care at night, I was called in.

We did disown our siblings.

Good luck, be patient with your parent, give them love and support - you'll have frustrations, you may even feel a little bit of resentment towards your parent. It's normal - and home hospice was the best thing. Ask for help when you feel you need it - and if you can't get that help from family, talk to the doctors and nurses. That's what they're there for.

Edited to add -

There are probably hospice volunteers where you live - these are some of the kindest people I met. They'll come for a couple hours at a time to sit with your loved one, to give you a break.

[DearHeart]

6. I'm in the same boat...no children, so I'm the one.

Luckily, right now, they're doing well and are healthy again.

[Coyotl]

7. I did this once.

By myself for five years, same situation, the single kid of seven. Twice, my Mom traveled to visit siblings for a month. Otherwise, I did meals, etc. every day. One stretch was 23 months without a day off. I just settled into the routine, took classes at a good University for distraction, set up an art studio at home. It was my siblings loss to not have the experience, from my perspective.

[sinkingfeeling]

8. My sister lives closer to my Mom by 1200 miles. However, Mom has been in Assissted Living

for the last 2 years. My Dad passed in 1989.

[MineralMan]

9. My wife and I moved to m innesota

My wife and I moved to Minnesota after her father had a stroke. Now, her mother is 84, and we're helping her stay independent in her own home. There is another sister here, but she is hopelessly incapable of anything. A third sister lives in Florida, and rarely even calls.

Bottom line is that it is up to us.


We are OK with that, but it can be frustrating at times.

[UTUSN]

10. Luckily I had to survive and had a sister caretaking

Last edited Thu Dec 20, 2012, 01:07 PM - Edit history (1)

I didn't think about it, had to SURVIVE for myself. *After* I survive THEN I can provive...



ON EDIT: To attempt to mitigate the callousness of my post. I went through a few years in which my job survival was touch and go and had little of anything (material or effort) to spare beyond survival, and of the three of us siblings, one of my sisters and my parents had a mutual dedication of living together, such that this was never a factor in our situation all around. My parents lived out their lives at home, besides that they never reached the point of needing 24-hours care, just like my grandparents and almost all of my uncles and aunts. My sister's mission relieved both my other sister and me of this huge enterprise, and I am eternally grateful to her and I show it.

[pacalo]

11. Get help from home hospice as soon as possible.

We had help from health care sitters, but we created a schedule for my brother, sister, & I to fill in the gaps.

If you'd like to talk, feel free to send me a PM.

[NYC_SKP]

12. My only sister is utterly useless, was actually in the way, and she left town.

She is coming back now that the house and estate are being sold.

I'm the one that manages my poor mom and dad's affairs, they are still alive, suffer from dementia, and sister is retired but too busy with things.

[HipChick]

14. Thats the only contact

to find out what assets my parents have..

[NYC_SKP]

15. We are similar then.

From the few people I've met that go through this, there seems to be a similar dynamic: one of the children take responsibility while the others, by and large, do not and to make matters worse are users.

It's very sad because of the extra work but worse, the loneliness of it.

[Scruffy Rumbler]

17. Hey NYC_SKP.

This post is spot on. We have it 7 fold in my family.

"It's very sad because of the extra work but worse, the loneliness of it. "
Truer words have never been spoken.

Peace

[NYC_SKP]

13. PS, sending good vibes and hugs.

Hang in there.

[Scruffy Rumbler]

16. Hey HipChick,

My sister and I are our mother's care givers. A third sibling is part of her care circle. It has been two years now. Went to court to become guardians. Four of my mother's children are now dead to us. (She has seven children) One left her with no notice after putting her into debt. One evicted her after her current caregiver moved in. Those two were taking action based on a POA written 30 years ago. The other two sided with them over the eviction and have actively worked against my mother's desires and our efforts. It has been a mess.

My sister is her live in caregiver. My partner and I live in the apartment upstairs (he and I purchased a two family home) and offer support services. I manage her fiances, do the shopping (Sister makes up the list), assist with dr.s appointments. Our third, a sister, assists when prime care giver needs a break or goes out of town. Our mother has dementia (possible Alzheimer's/ COPD/ other age relateed issues and a string a orthopedic issues from a career as a nurse)

One of the first things we did was contact the center for independent living in our area. We are in NY. They assist people with disabilities with staying in their home. Through them we enrolled mom in the Nursing Home Transfer Deferral program. This is a program for people that would qualify for a nursing home but wish to remain at home. We now have a service coordinator that meets with us once a month, acts as a go between with a variety of organizations, (medicare/medicaid, insurance, SS).

Through this program, we have caregivers employed through a local nursing home that come to the house.

This is going way beyond the scope of your OP....sorry.

Would be glad to exchange DU mail with more info around the NHTD program if you wish.

Hang in there! It has been and continues to be a very stressfull time for us, but also a very rewarding one, too.

To caregivers and the ones they love!

[AmyDeLune]

18. My parents (and eventually my brother and I)

helped with my aunt when it became clear she could no longer care for herself unassisted. Unfortunately, she waited before admitting to us she needed help and had a couple of nursing agencies send in people to help, one of whom stole we don't know how much from her (she had a lot of antiques, many of them small and portable). She also had a grifter calling herself a caregiver attach herself to her like a leech. We found checks that were clearly written by other people and signed by my aunt; on a check she did write she wrote the year as 1942, the bank cashed them all without so much as phone call. We don't know how much money she was scammed out of.

My aunt had the good sense to give my father power of attorney and signed her house over to him before she began suffering from dementia. When it became clear that the "caregiver" wasn't doing anything to earn her paycheck (and was in fact doing her best to keep us away) and was preparing to move into the basement apartment of my aunt's home with her husband, we were able to step in cut them off before they actually assumed residency. The husband tried to bully my dad, "You don't own this house!"
My dad, "Actually, I do!"
They were out in short order. Not that they didn't keep trying to worm their way back in. Which is longer than I want to write right now.

In the end, my aunt died peacefully.

Then all the out of state relatives came out of the woodwork.

"She promised me this necklace!"

"She promised me that piece of furniture!"

"Gimme Gimme Gimme!!!"

Not one of them wrote her so much as a get well card while she was ill, not one of them offered any kind of help at all.

Many of the things my relatives wanted simply weren't there. They had either already been stolen, liquidated by my aunt while she still had her faculties, or given to persons unknown.

My father sent things like savings bonds that were made out to specific individuals to their recipients, but mostly he ignored the greedy relatives. If it wasn't in writing he wasn't listening.

So I commiserate completely, but it could always be worse. Get your parents to put things in writing and get the legalities taken care of as unpleasant as it may seem (who gets what, who gets the title to the house, car, etc.). Siblings and relatives swooping in vulture- like on an undefended estate is a horrible thing.

All my best to you!