Fun In-Law Issue

[IdaBriggs]

My father-in-law is not really involved in our lives, mainly because he is heavily involved in his own. He has a lot of friends and a girlfriend who is a nice person, but not really interested in helping him keep a relationship with either of his (adult) sons, or his two grandchildren. She has two daughters, and two grandchildren, and he keeps very involved in their lives. They spend six months of the year in Florida (we live in Michigan), and this has caused a lot of problems because he was supposed to be watching out for a mentally disabled member of the family, and the words "utter fail" can best describe that situation, with the family member ending up homeless/in the street for several months before we were able to find them.

I have some anger issues here; last year we never got to see FIL for the holidays (they were in town for the winter) and we celebrated "Christmas" in late March; also the February birthdays of his son/my husband, and the twins. Did I mention they live seven miles away?

He is currently under the impression we are unaware of some financial misbehavior on his part (the home of the mentally handicapped person - he has a quit claim deed to it, despite the fact he was a conservator for the man, and did I mention the guy was homeless, despite having a fully paid off condo?) and we know there are about to be lawyers involved.

He is back for the holidays. We made arrangements to see him Christmas. He agreed, then called us on Monday to inform us his girlfriend was going to be sick on Wednesday. I sarcastically offered to bring chicken soup (seven miles, remember?) but my husband thought it would be rude to interrupt the Christmas festivities with her family (which was confirmed when we made the obligatory "Merry Christmas!" phone call - he had canceled us because they were celebrating with her side).

So "Grandpa" wants to see us to celebrate this Sunday. He plans on bringing his girlfriend. I have previously been gracious about all of this, but since my kids are being treated like second class, I am officially pissed off. Plus, we are still picking up the pieces from the mentally handicapped homeless person, and this guy really thinks we are stupid. (We've seen the bank statements with the money transferred to the tune of thousands - yet FIL is trying to portray himself as a victim/deserving of the guy's condo?)

I am angry at the FIL for treating his family so poorly, and oddly enough, almost more angry at the girlfriend, because we both know she knows this isn't how people are supposed to treat grand kids, and I had granted her the honor of being "grandma" to my kids since they have been in a long term relationship - and now that I know she doesn't consider them "real" grand kids, I want her OUT.

My husband is less invested - he is used to the long term bad behavior, and I am not. The stupid part? They were estranged for many years, and I helped them reconcile! Now, I just want the guy gone - either be decent, or stay away.

Oh, and "be decent" involves seeing your family during the actual holidays when you live seven miles away.

Thoughts?

[Lars39]

1. Need to involve the law about his stealing, then go from there.

[IdaBriggs]

2. My husband is trying to get it worked out "politely" first.

We have gotten banking records, and are slogging through them to verify that there are indeed financial misbehavior. My husband is hoping he will sign off on the condo without lawyers needing to be involved, but I am skeptical.

The current guardian of the mentally handicapped person has an attorney meeting scheduled for next week. The "Christmas" meeting is supposed to be about trying to discuss this amicably.

I am not feeling amicable!

[Chan790]

4. I dealt with this in my own family...

there is no "politely". We tried and then had everything that we had done to forestall/prevent the theft dragged before the rest of the family as proof we'd been the ones stealing and engaged in shenanigans.

You don't not involve a lawyer because it's impolite. You involve a lawyer because it's the only way you come out of this without ruining relationships with the extended family and straining your own marriage. If you want to be polite, offer FIL to jointly hire a lawyer to sort out issues of conservatorship and asset management. Too often this sort of crap destroys families because they don't want to utilize professionals trained and experienced to handle it bloodlessly and dispassionately. If he refuses that offer, you've done your due part for polite.

[lunatica]

5. This is really good advice.

It's still going to be painful, no matter what.

My husband and I got a mediator divorce lawyer. It didn't get as ugly as it could have and it was painful but I'm glad we parted as amicably as we could. The settlements were fair.

[lastlib]

6. yeah--I second this!

Get the attorneys in and put the screws to him. Otherwise, you are complicit in what he's doing.

Other than that, I think you're on the right track.

[elleng]

3. Yes, I agree,

let him know family/you know what's transpired.

Don't sit still for it any more. IMO.

And arrive at an agreement about who spends what time/where, at holidays. 'Rules' or plans could be worked out, I expect.