Look: I love my boyfriend but his presents to me suck.

[intheflow]

He's a hellova guy, completely devoted to me. We have a sweet little home we're building together complete with two dogs and two cats and an urban homestead. He's not jealous, shares the cooking and the cleaning, and is affectionate. His only drawback is that he cannot buy presents for me to save his life, even - and this is the most annoying part - when I tell him exactly what I want. I do this because he's told me I'm impossible to shop for, so I try to be as explicit about what I want.

Example A: For Christmas I listed about 15 items on an amazon wish list, ranging in price from $10-$400. I would have been wildly happy with any of them. What did he get me? A complete setting of my vintage dinner plates. Mind you, I already have a complete set except for the bowls. One of the things I like to do is look in thrift shops to see if they have any, it was a little game I liked to play. Only now I can't play it any more because I have more than enough with the 8 that came with the complete set he gave me, plus the four I already had. So now I have 16 plates, 16 dessert plates, 12 bowls, and 16 each cup and saucers (which we don't have any room for so I had my original 8 packed away in the garage, and now have 8 more packed in the garage). He also gave me a large new cooking pot to replace my pot with a broken lid. It's a lovely pot, but is cast iron/enamel and too heavy for me to lift easily when it's filled with, say, pasta and water. (He, 13" taller than me, and muscle-y, has no problem lifting it.)

Well-intentioned gifts, yes.
Thoughtful in a weird way, sure.
What I wanted? Not in the least.

Example B: Today, Valentine's Day. All week he's asked me what I wanted. I very explicitly said I wanted some tulips in a vase so I could remember that spring was coming someday soon. What did he get me? A bottle of wine. I don't drink. We've been together for 3 years, he knows I don't drink. I smoke weed. He can't smoke because he gets drug tested, but we live in Colorado, he could have gotten me that legally, instead of the wine.

So how does one tell their sweet boyfriend his presents suck? I don't want to be ungrateful. I mean, at least he's thinking of me. But I also don't want to live the rest of my life getting presents that suck -especially when I go out of my way to be really explicit about what I want.

What is your advice to this lovelorn, DU?

[CC]

1. Sometimes it is best to remember that we are all

imperfect and some things might take decades to change if they can be changed at all. If his gift buying is the worst part of him I'd say appreciate all the good things he is and let it go. I am on year 30 (28 of them married) with a clueless no matter how detailed the list is gift getter. I've learned to be happy he even got me anything and say thank you. He doesn't get it and I doubt he ever will but when I look around at others and their problems and remember all we've been through I'm just happy he is still around to give completely not me gifts.

[intheflow]

16. Oh, CC, you are so wise.

Thank you for putting it in perspective - and letting me know I'm not alone with a clueless gift-giving partner!

[Kali]

2. OMG

I totally hear you. what you do is just love the guy and buy what you want on your own. He isn't going to get it and will never change. Be grateful he tries and just get your own stuff. Really.

signed,

the recipient over the years of a novelty store disco light, a giant flashlight I can't even pick up that died right away anyway, any number of INCORRECT power tools - despite specific requests, boxes of candy I can't stand, a pair of 20 lb binoculars that admittedly are nice but I wanted a pocket monocular...you get the idea I am sure

[intheflow]

18. That's really funny!

the day after Christmas I bought three items on my amazon list!

And I have to ask: are our partners related? The first Christmas we were together, my boyfriend bought me a vintage Lite-Brite set. It would look awesome lit up next to your disco light, I'm sure!

Thanks for the perspective.

[orleans]

3. does he drink wine? was it on sale and he thought it was a good deal?

does he realize his error with the christmas dishes?

does he know you can't use the new pot because it's too heavy?

is he a mind reader? how is he gonna know or understand these presents don't work if you don't tell him.

tell him. explain it nicely. maybe he bought the wine so he could drink it. maybe he bought the cast iron pot because ??? and he wasn't thinking about *you* using it.

maybe he just wants to give you something you haven't thought of? tell him next time to get you something off your list and he can still get you a surprise present if he wants to.

what did you get him? and did he want it? what did he ask for?

[intheflow]

19. Questions answered in order:

He doesn't drink wine. I should have been more explicit by saying I don't drink at altitude, where we live in Colorado. It totally messes up my metabolism and sleep patterns. At sea level, I will sometimes have wine, or at a particularly nice dinner. Here's how I think the wine went down in his brain: he got a job this week so stopped at the liquor store to pick something up for himself (he's not much of a drinker, and not at all when he's not working, being budget-concious). He saw the wine - which is what I drink the one or two glasses a year I have - and thought, "It's Valentine's Day, I'll get this for her!"

The dishes: I think they cost a big chunk of change - like $400 - and he bought them right after he was laid off months before Christmas. He has no idea I think the dishes are a lousy gift because a) who complains about Christmas presents, and b) he spent so much on them when he was looking at a long stretch with hardly any money.

He does admit the the pot is too heavy, something he realized on his own after watching me struggle with it. Much to his credit he'll volunteer to empty the pasty into the strainer for me on any given night.

He is not a mind reader - or an amazon wish list reader, either, apparently. I'm not asking for him to be a mind-reader. He will ask me what I want point-blank, I will tell him, he will get something completely different.

I got him a green building book he kept out of the library for a year and a half, he loved it so much, and an ice cream maker, which he has always dreamed of having. Since Christmas, he's made 4-8 batches of ice cream a week, and is designing a renovation for our bedroom from the book. He adores these presents.

[orleans]

40. i had to laugh when i read:

"He will ask me what I want point-blank, I will tell him, he will get something completely different."

in a way it is almost endearing.

[WinkyDink]

43. I think it's crappy, and I'd have to wonder what's going on with him.

[Le Taz Hot]

44. Is he A.D.D.?

The reason I ask: "He will ask me what I want point-blank, I will tell him, he will get something completely different."

The reason I ask is that I've learned over the years not to ask my A.D.D.-addled husband to go to the store unless I write everything down. First off, he gets distracted and what would take me 5 minutes, in and out, takes him an hour. Second, if I don't write it down he'll come home with something not remotely what I needed. Example: Grocery list consists of milk, bread and eggs. A.D.D.-addled husband comes home with a pear, dishwashing soap and a London Broil.

You love 'em, appreciate the effort, then go out and buy what you want for yourself.

[intheflow]

59. He is!

I forget to factor that in because his meds mediate it, mostly, but he still has his moments. I will work to remember his ADD the next gift-giving opportunity. Thanks!

[marzipanni]

4. I hear men are visual...

Print a photo of what you'd like, and the name of the store, and put it on the passenger seat of his car (or on the seat where he uses his computer for online shopping) 7-10 days ahead?
-or-
Buy yourself some tulips, and let him have the wine. If you think the cooking pot is too heavy, save it for stew or soup, and get another.

It takes a lot of onus off these market created and imposed holidays if you just buy your own stuff, and share a nice dinner, or an event, have a good time and make a nice memory together.

Or pick a private special day with your husband, and laugh about celebrating it-

http://www.daysoftheyear.com/

[intheflow]

20. I like the visual cue idea.

It's totally true in his case. He has a hard time visualizing things, always describes himself as having no imagination, though he actually has a great imagination when it comes to building and designing things. I think I'll try printing some pictures next time. Thanks!

[Vashta Nerada]

5. My mom told my dad she wanted an iPod Touch for Christmas, and what did he get her?

Pots and pans.

I'll never forget how crappy that Christmas was.

Be happy that at least he gets you stuff and thinks about you. That's better than nothing at all.

[LeftyMom]

6. It sounds like he tried pretty hard to get you something thoughtful and surprise you.

I mean, getting you your vintage dishes was probably expensive and something he had to really think about, rather than going to the list you'd prepared.

If he's consistently not getting you something you wanted and it's bothering you maybe you could agree to get something for your home together or to go on a weekend trip? It takes the pressure off of him and you get to control what you want.

[intheflow]

21. Yes, I'd much rather do something than get something.

The vintage dishes were expensive, at a time when he was laid off, so I know he stumbled upon them and thought, "Oh! Now she won't be burdened any more looking for bowls!" Like some kind of Gift of the Magi Christmas story. This thread is reminding me to be grateful for all I have and just buy my own things for myself. Thanks, LeftyMom.

[elleng]

7. I could GUARANTEE

that I wouldn't receive what I wanted, ESPECIALLY if I'd asked for it! Nevermind!

[intheflow]

22. So much for that new camera you wanted, right?

I know, I need to just get over it already!

[elleng]

49. Well, I bought the camera myself! A couple of months ago. Check Photography group!

Back story: I separated in 2006 from him who never gave my what I requested, and he passed in May, I've been designated 'responsible person' for his estate, so I get what I want in the long run (but waiting how long for spring???)

[laundry_queen]

8. I'm going to go against the grain

here and say, to ME, I would consider this an issue. Here's why: It's not that I'm ungrateful or spoiled or anything. It's that when you ask for several things, specifically, and are explicit then when he doesn't get you those things it can feel very invalidating. It can feel like the other person is saying, "I don't like what you've picked out so I'm going to give you want *I* want to give you, because I know better."
Also, when a gift giver isn't able to put themselves in your shoes and understand what you need, imo, it can signify empathy issues or other issues.

For example, I have a narcissistic mother. She always gives me a detailed list of what she wants (down to telling me where to find it and what the price is and what color she prefers) and I wouldn't dare get her something off her list. However, she always wants a list from me, and always buys me nice stuff, but never buys me what I put on the list. I find, as aforementioned, it's very invalidating. Like my list isn't 'good enough' (or conversely 'too good' and I should not expect so much). When I was a kid this hurt me greatly. I would ask for something and show my mom my list, and she would dismiss everything on my list with, "oh you don't want THAT" or "aren't you too old for that?" or "I don't think you would play with that if Santa brought it." I'll never forget the year I asked for the hot wheels racing set. "why would you want CARS? You can play with your brother's cars. Put some dolls you want on your list instead." It was not about what I wanted, it was about what she wanted me to have. She couldn't understand why I would want a toy CAR set when she would've never wanted that as a child...so because she wouldn't have wanted it, she didn't think I should want it either. She lacks the empathy needed to put herself in my shoes and understand why I would want such a thing.

That said - it does sound like he TRIED to be empathetic with the dinner plate set. It's possible he found the set and thought it would be cooler than anything on your list because you like your dishes so much (although, lol, my mom had a strict rule with my dad - nothing for the house would be considered a present for her, only a present for the house, that she didn't want a present that was needed, only presents that were wanted)..I do think you could have a chat with him though about how you feel invalidated when you make a list and he ignores it. If he is a good guy, he'll understand and will try to respect your wishes. If he's like my ex, he'll get defensive and say you're spoiled and selfish and if that's the response, I'd be concerned but at least you'll have an idea of what he's really like. If you decide not to say anything at all, chances are you will probably have some disappointments that you will have to learn to live with. Only you can decide which path you'd prefer.

Some people think gift giving is trivial, but I see it as a real window into what someone is thinking. I'd also like to say - I don't judge what friends or acquaintances or even my brother and SIL get me...but with intimate relationships with parents or spouses, it's different, IMO.

[intheflow]

24. Thank you for this very thoughtful reply.

You're right, in a way I do feel invalidated when he gets me what he thinks I would like. I don't think this is narcissistic on his part, he just wants to surprise me. I just can't believe he has never heard me when I've said I don't like surprises!

I've often thought he might me on the low end of the Aspbergers scale, which I think could be interpreted as a kind of narcissism. He is trying. As I mentioned in another response upthread, I don't drink at altitude where we live because it messes with my metabolism. When we visit family at sea level, and I have a glass of wine, he bought me the wine I drink. I know he's trying, he's just missing the boat.

BTW, my mother said the same thing when I asked for a hot wheels track and told me I wouldn't like a doll I absolutely was dying for. And when my sister asked for a drum set, my mother refused that, saying drums were for boys. So I feel ya with the childhood gift-giving hurts.

[pipi_k]

31. I'm glad

someone else expressed some discomfort with the situation.

Because what I was thinking was that perhaps the whole unwanted/inappropriate gift giving thing might be about a bit of passive aggression.

I mean, I could see buying someone gifts that aren't what the person wanted IF the gift-giver had nothing to go on. I mean, that is clueless.

But to be given a whole list of stuff that he apparently doesn't even look at...I dunno...sounds a bit more than just cluelessness


That being said, I am lucky to be married to someone who isn't passive aggressive or clueless about gifts. In fact, we both have Amazon Wish Lists, and we both made good use of them over Christmas. Not only that, but Mr Pipi is real good at getting me things he thinks/know I would love.

Like on our 10th anniversary in 2005, when, totally unexpectedly, he told me to go look in the chest freezer our in the barn. I did, and found a pretty flocked (fake) rose. Awww...isn't that sweet, I said... I didn't know that the rosebud itself was a box. He told me to open it. Inside was a ring studded with small diamonds.

It was a combination anniversary/Thank You for being his mom's caretaker for the five months she lived with us before she died.


But anyway, I tell my family I'm pretty easy to shop for, actually.

If it's not jewelry, then they'll never go wrong buying stuff for someone who is a bit...eccentric.

Last Christmas my granddaughters gave me this...



hahahaha!!!

[Waiting For Everyman]

9. I would sell it and get what you want.

I would sell the extra dinnerware that you don't want too. What you can't sell could be re-gifted sometime, possibly.

I'm not saying this to be cold or anything, but if he won't listen to you, this might give him some incentive to pay attention, and if he doesn't at least you don't have to remain frustrated about it and have stuff in your way that you can't use or don't want.

I wouldn't yell at him for it or anything, just take the steps that need to be done to fix it. I think that's pretty fair.

[eShirl]

10. pour it down the sink while looking into his eyes

every last drop

if he protests, say "It was mine, wasn't it?"


(j/k)

[intheflow]

38. Okay, that's funny!

If only I could be that cold!

[B Calm]

11. If you want something buy it, if there is something he wants,

tell him to buy it. It's not that big of a deal!

[MrMickeysMom]

12. Well, I guess you can tell by responses so far, you'd be better off writing to Dear Abby...

Of course, she and her sister, Ann Landers can't answer you now, but you you asked… so….

I'll just tell you NOT to ask. In fact, just say, "nothing, dear… Nothing but YOU"…

What you've indicated sounds very self-absorbed. How CAN you judge a present? You "go out of your way" to be explicit? Well, isn't that honorable!

From now on, if it is so damned important, just ask him for (quantity) money and buy yourself something, because you have totally missed the value of the saying, "it's not the gift… it's the thought!"

[intheflow]

63. I've been on DU a decade.

I know damn well Dear Abby doesn't live here!

I'm totally using that "Nothing, Dear... nothing but YOU" line. Absolutely brilliant!!

In my defense of your finger-wagging, I am explicit about what I want because he's complained in the past about my being impossible to buy for, and it was he who suggested I make the amazon wish list. I was seeking to satisfy his stated needs in being explicit about what I wanted, it wasn't based on my own need to demand stuff.

[mnhtnbb]

13. Life is sometimes disappointing...and so are relationships

I've been married almost 29 years to hubby.

Last Christmas I told him I didn't want any presents. We had a fabulous trip to Europe
in November and are planning another one in May because our youngest son has been
in Berlin on a Fulbright scholarship. I don't really need or want more 'stuff'.
About 10 days before Christmas, hubby asked me what size sweater I wear. I said, "DO NOT
BUY ME ANY CLOTHES!". What did he do? Ordered a dressy jacket from a catalog--in a color
I NEVER wear--and bought some inexpensive--ok, cheap--jewelry to go with it. I am not
sure I'll ever wear the jacket--although I've figured out how to camouflage the color of it
with a scarf--but I knew I'd NEVER wear the jewelry. So I went through my jewelry--pulled
out several pieces I could wear with the jacket--and showed him. Then I said, "send the jewelry
back". And he did.

So, now I have to figure out some time to wear the jacket some place where I don't really care who sees it.

I don't know what it is about guys not getting it when you are explicit. They don't hear? They don't remember?
They think they'll 'surprise' you? Whatever it is, you are not alone.

It might be that you should have a discussion about gift giving...and maybe work out that you 'do' things
together (like dinner out or a weekend trip or something) and buy the things you really want on your own.

[intheflow]

64. He did mention something about jewelry this week.

I totally took your advice and said I'd rather have that money invested in a weekend get-away and it was like a lightbulb went on over his head. Whether it stays on is another thing, but at least in that moment, he "got it."

[DebJ]

14. The day after Christmas my daughter returned all her gifts from

her husband and let him know why. She was ticked because he does it last minute and grabs
whatever. He got to babysit a 15 month old and a 3 year old for 6 hours while she was returning the gifts,
and then took her time searching for replacements with the money. Gave him some
time to think. My daughter has a way of making sure he doesn't ignore her clearly expressed concerns, and if he
does, he rarely wants to do that again later.

[intheflow]

65. Wow, I could never do that.

Part of me wishes I could, but on the other hand, I know that kind of behavior would both break his heart and harden his heart against me. One of the strengths of our relationship is agreeing that we're both too old for any more relationship drama. Your daughter sounds very... dramatic. (Though I suppose I was pretty dramatic as a parent of a young child - talk about drama! LOL!)

[GoCubsGo]

15. You can send me the pot and the wine.

Or, you could just make a nice stew in that pot, and use the wine in it. Enameled cast iron pots a great thing to have, and are really versatile. (I say that as someone who was without power for a couple of days, and wishes she had one for cooking in the fireplace.) And, it would be a great excuse to work on your upper body strength. Who knows? You could end up with arms like Michelle Obama's, which would be awesome!

My advice: It sounds like you have a great guy, and as someone who has nobody, I'd just be happy to have someone like that, even if he is lacking in the present-giving department. It's a small price to pay, IMHO. AFAIC, it sounds like you already got the best gift you could get--him. Instead of saying that his gifts "suck", just appreciate the sentiment, and look for ways that they don't suck. There's a lot more to life than some freaking presents. If you want something that badly, buy it yourself, as others here have already suggested. Or, get somebody else to buy it on for your birthday or Christmas.

[intheflow]

66. I know, I know!

My OP was really blowing off steam. He is the best present I could ever have. It took me eight years of dating and kissing waaaay too many frogs to find my prince. But you know, it's easy to lose perspective in the day-to-day grind of life.

Sending you good vibes, GoCubsGo, that you will also find someone who loves you as much as I'm loved.

[sendero]

17. Look...

..... I'm guessing that he is simply trying too hard. He doesn't want to get you something from your list because that would be "cheating".

He sincerely wants to get you something heartfelt and meaningful, he just doesn't have the chops. Maybe someday he will.

I think you should, in this case, try to give more weight to the intention than the result.

Just IMHO.

[intheflow]

67. You're right, of course.

He's cooking me breakfast right now, like he does every Sunday morning. Really, all he ever needs to do is feed me - that's my favorite present always. I think you're right about the "trying too hard" thing. And God knows, better to have a partner who tries too hard than one who doesn't try at all. 'Cause I've been with that guy, and it sucks! Thanks for the perspective.

[TBF]

23. There are more important things in life -

trust me on this. I could go into how horrible my first marriage was - but I don't want to depress myself on this gorgeous Sat. morning.

Marriage #2 much better & the mate is much better. Half the time he doesn't even remember birthdays or things like Valentine's Day - but he has a great job, somehow makes it to the important things for the kids, and I have a very comfortable life. So, when I want a present I buy myself something I really want - whether it's a spa day, new outfit, or something vintage (my favorite happen to be first edition books).

Just smile and say "oh how lovely" when he brings you his little offerings. It is sort of like a pet cat bringing you a mouse they just freshly caught - he is doing this from a place of love and that is what is important.

[intheflow]

68. Ha! The cat perspective is great!

It's really a lot like that! That's an image I'll drawn from when it happens again. It'll make me laugh, which he will interpret at joy for the gift. It's a win-win! You're brilliant.

[Paulie]

25. I was told to get PJs. 100% cotton.

So I go into the closet and check out the size on the PJs she wears. I order. They arrive, present opened on Xmas, and they are the wrong size. Apparently the size is what my mom got her one year and they don't fit and hates that my mom gets her the wrong sizes for clothes...

I said no more. I will only buy electronics everything else buy yourself. It's not worth the stress.

[intheflow]

69. Egads.

I would never request clothing without giving the size. But then, I would never, ever request clothing. It's too personal an item. You're smart going with the electronics.

[HappyMe]

26. He's devoted, shares the chores, and is affectionate.

That right there is way more important. I wonder if you tell him that his presents suck his devotion and affection would disappear.

Did you buy him anything?

[intheflow]

70. At Christmas

I got him an ice cream maker he'd been eyeing for a year. He's made (and eaten) about two gallons a week since getting it. For Valentine's I bought him dinner and we went to a hacker club he's been wanting to check out for a few months.

I know full-well that complaining about his gifts might make his affection disappear. Which is, of course, why I posted about it on DU to blow off steam rather than actually confronting him about it.

[noamnety]

27. I'm not a fan of registering for gifts.

To me it's not a "gift" if it's in response to a demand. Making someone take care of your shopping list just isn't the same thing.

I would use the wine in cooking. I love the idea upthread of using it in a stew in the big pot. If you can't lift the pot when it's full, use it together when he's there to lift it for you, and appreciate how evenly it cooks the food. I've occasionally pulled my back and had to have my husband pull a turkey out of the oven for me, it's fine to ask for help.

Part of being in a relationship is making the other person feel appreciated. Make sure you are holding up your end there. I think telling him his gifts suck and you don't value any creativity or input from him about what to get you is potentially way more invalidating to him than him trying to get a surprise gift for you. Maybe part of your gift to him in addition to whatever else you got him for valentine's day is that you find a way to graciously accept and use what he got you.

Just for the record - my husband is gone all month. I didn't get a valentine's gift exactly, but earlier in the week he took a photo of cabbages and texted it to me, with no explanation. I questioned ... I ... yeah, I'm still speechless about that. He called to say it's because he knows I like cole slaw.

Use the wine in a recipe, make a nice dinner out of it in the pot. Serve it on the vintage dishes. Tell him you love him.

[img][/img]

[intheflow]

39. Using the wine is cooking is brilliant!

And packaging it up with all the other things he's given me is such a lovely perspective. Thank you so much.

BTW, I am 90% sure I know where that photo was take. Route 2 in Brighton, CO. Am I right?

[noamnety]

51. Ha, no he's not in Colorado.

I guess cabbages fields must look very much alike. Except mine. I tried to grow them once and earwigs got in them and the whole thing was disgusting and disappointing.

[intheflow]

60. It was the combo cabbages/mountains in distance

that made me think it was in Brighton. Looks exactly like a place on my daily commute. A sea of cabbages stretching for at least a mile. In certain evening light, right before harvest, it looks like water on a flooded field. It's one of my favorite parts of my hour-long commute.

[kaiden]

28. My dad got my mom vacuum sweeper bags for Mother's Day.

Two hours later he was buying her a $3,000 diamond ring. Expensive lesson and all it took was the "look."

[Le Taz Hot]

46. OMG!

And I thought my uncle buying my aunt, for their wedding anniversary, a gas-powered lawn mower so she could have an easier time mowing the lawn was bad.

[intheflow]

61. Your post reminds me how lucky I am.

My ex-husband bought me a vacuum for Christmas one year, a not-so-subtle commentary on my housekeeping skills. (His mother was a neat freak whose house was unnaturally dust-free all. the. time.) Which demonstrates why he's my ex!

[KG]

29. dump him.

guys who are not jealous, shares the cooking and the cleaning, and are affectionate AND can buy the right present are a dime a dozen so why waste any more time with him?.

[sl8]

53. Well, that's pithy.

Sounds about right, though.

[LynneSin]

30. For his next birthday get him socks and a pack of Haines tighty whiteys.

Then when he questions your obviously thoughtless gift and asks why just tell him you put as much thought into his gift has he has into yours.

[intheflow]

62. .

Great advice, except he hordes socks! God, he'd LOVE that gift!!

[LynneSin]

84. Get him those really bad socks you find at the Dollar store

don't get him nice ones.

[intheflow]

86. Those are the ones he buys!

[LynneSin]

89. Then just go with two packs of tightly whities....

In a size too small for him.

[ScreamingMeemie]

32. I think you should rejoice in the fact that he loves you.

Every single present my husband got me "sucked," at least in the minds of those who heard about them. One year? A washer/dryer. Another? A drive train for my car. For our anniversary? A chain saw (for a house with no property--no trees...)

And then, one year, there was nothing. So, cherish those "sucky" gifts while you can.

[mwdem]

80. .....

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

33. Next year, ask for wine.

Getting you what you want is, well, boring and a total non-surprise.

So of course he has to think of something else.

And now you have a bottle of wine that you can give to someone else on some other occasion.

[intheflow]

71. Getting what I want would be a total surprise!

I'm going to use the wine for cooking. It's at least three stews worth! That will make us both happy.

[redwitch]

34. I didn't get so much as a card. I would have been happy with wine.

Married for 31 years and yesterday broke my heart a little.

[intheflow]

72. I'm so sorry, redwitch.

I know I have it good.

[dballance]

35. How about A gift moratorium?

The best times in my relationships with partners were ones where we agreed no birthday gifts, no Valentine's Day, no Christmas gifts.

Instead we agreed to have nice dinners or take a fun trip together. That way we both agreed on what we were going to get and it didn't lead to hurt feelings like you're having.

I think the whole gifts thing for every holiday just puts unnecessary stress on us.

[intheflow]

73. I've never been one for Valentine's Day.

Always considered it a Hallmak holiday. But he insists on making a big deal out of it every year, I think because past relationships have insisted on it. So I think part of it is that he goes out of his way to make a big deal and then gets it spectacularly wrong.

[dballance]

78. You're not his past relationships

You are his current relationship. So if he has something that's hung up on past relationships that didn't work, obviously, seems like an opportune time to make changes. good luck! I

[intheflow]

82. He's been married four times before!

Each one left a scar. I'm amazed at his resiliency and willingness to engage in another committed relationship. And he's such a great guy over all I think those other women must have been very stupid to let him go. Then again, maybe what he learned from those relationships has contributed to his being such a good partner now. I know that true in my case: I'm a much better partner now than I ever was in the past, mostly due to what I learned not to do in the past.

[Major Nikon]

36. The presents my wife gets me suck

I'm sure she feels the same way about the stuff I get her. Neither of us complain about it, but both of us have learned by experience to keep the receipts and not feel bad if the other exchanges the gift.

[jcboon]

37. He's obviously trying

He's thinking about what you would want and as someone upthread said he thinks its "cheating" to go by the list.

My husband has been gone seven years and I still cherish every stupid, inappropriate gift he gave me.
He thought because I liked something I should have lots of it, leopard print everything, cat coffee mugs, a blue evening dress in a stretchy two sizes too small, "Cause you'd look good in it!"

Two weeks before he died he was looking for diamond earrings for me because "I'm tired of you not having anything good"

So thank him for the lousy gifts. Buy yourself what you really want or try to arrange shopping trips where you each get something you like and pay for each other's.

[sl8]

52. I found your post really touching.

Thank you for sharing that.

It sounds like he saw you through rose tinted glasses and I expect he was right to do so.

[intheflow]

77. jcboon, you are wise.

My boyfriend and I are not spring chickens and sometimes I lay awake at night paralyzed by fear that I could lose him at any time. He, like your husband, bought me a dress way too small and thought I was the sexiest woman in the world when I put it on when I looked like what I am: an over-middle-aged woman carrying at least 20 extra pounds. Your husband sounds like he was a good man, and I am so very sorry for your loss.

[WinkyDink]

41. Do you get him what HE likes? Time to change THAT. Then maybe the light-bulb will go on.

[backwoodsbob]

42. what do you buy him?

my wife and I almost divorced over this issue in a bigger sense.

You are worried about what he bought you but what did you buy him?

You are worried about the dollar value of your gift but did you give till it hurts for him?

My EX wife always worried about the value of every jewel I gave her....if it was quality....but I never got more than a twenty dollar gift for any holiday....notice I said ex wife.

Don't worry about anything except if the SO loves you...that's it.Don't worry about the cost of the gift or whatever...be happy your SO loves you and thinks about you

[WinkyDink]

45. The OP never mentioned "cost" as in "cheap." And the "thinks about you" IS what is up for question.

[Heddi]

47. Seriously? This is your biggest issue? You kind of sound like a brat

I've been with my husband for 17 years, married for 14. I've given him sucky gifts, he's given me sucky gifts.

Big
fucking
deal

You have someone who loves you, and who is getting you things that you admit you like. You collect the dishes...so he got you the thing you collect. You occasionally drink wine. He got you wine. It wasn't exactly, 100%, to the T exactly what you wanted? That sounds very bratty. Something a 5 year old would complain about. I assume you're not 5.

Maybe he thinks that by buying you everything 100% to the T on your list is more of a demand for items rather than a suggestion for gifts.

THe ideas of giving him underpants or garbage for his next gift...I guess. Why not be an asshole to someone who is apparently thinking of you, loves you, isn't jealous, cooks and cleans....because those are all the actions of people who are uncaring assholes

My husband and I, many years ago, decided that gift cards for each other were the best way to go. Or shopping for ourselves while on a joint shopping trip. Here, I want this, so take it and wrap it up for me for Xmas. There's no guessing. He still gets little things to surprise me, and I get things to surprise him. But it's all coming out of the same account anyways, so the idea that "HE" buys me this or "I" buy him that is a garbage way of looking at it, because it's one account, both our money.

I'm sorry, but this is a petty complaint. You're not being beaten, or abandoned, or scammed for your money. You mention not another bad thing about him other than he doesn't bow to your every command and buy you exactly the things you want. Were you this upset with your parents/Santa if you didn't get every single thing on your christmas list as a child?

Be happy you have someone who cares enough about you to get you ANYTHING, and to love you despite your bratty behaviour. I'm sure he can see and has seen the disappointment on your face when you open presents....oh. wow. plates. thanks :sigh:. Be grateful for what you get. He could drop dead tomorrow and then you'd have nothing but a shitty attitude about things that you admit you like, just not like AS MUCH as the things you specifically want.

If you want these things that bad, buy them yourself

[840high]

55. You read my mind.

[Munificence]

79. Thank you!

[Sherman A1]

81. +1

[Aerows]

48. Maybe he is telling you

that he wants to spend more time with you instead of you going off to hunt in thrift shops?

[intheflow]

74. Oh, hunting in thrift shops is one of the big things we have in common.

We go to thrift stores and flea markets at least twice a month, we both love vintage stuff and only buy used clothes. That's a lot of our "together time." So I'm sure he figured he's found the deal of a lifetime when he got me those dishes. I know he got them for me with only the best intensions in mind. It really was a sweet gesture. Just not what I'd hoped for under the tree. I'm over it. Posted when I had worked a looong day, was tired and grumpy, and came home to wine instead of the weed I would have loved. I appreciate the feedback folks have been giving me in the thread (mostly). Puts it all in perspective.

[panader0]

50. I got nothing.

Actually, I need nothing.

[awoke_in_2003]

54. My wife is like this with dinner...

before I go to work, she will give me two or three things to choose from. I pick one, go to work, and come home to what I didn't ask for. I just go with it now.

[NewJeffCT]

56. Were the vintage dinner plates on your amazon wish list?

if so, then he was fulfilling your wish.

If not, he knows you collect the plates, so was probably thinking it would be awesome if he could get you closer to finishing your collection - then, instead of hunting through thrift shops, you now have more free time. At least, that's what he's probably thinking, and thinking he was pretty thoughtful for doing it. ("Hey, now she doesn't have to go to every thrift shop within 100 miles to find these things, I took care of it for her!&quot

No clue on the wine instead of flowers, though. That was bad.

I wouldn't be too harsh if you tell him the presents suck, since he was at least trying with the plates for Christmas. Maybe try a different method of giving him the hints.

[intheflow]

75. No, they weren't.

He tries hard, I know. In his defense about the wine, I just don't drink at altitude, where we live, except maybe a glass at a special occasion once or twice a year. I can't drink that much "up here" because it totally messes with my metabolism. I know how the wine thing went down: he just got rehired at work, stopped at the liquor store to get himself something celebratory and saw the wine I drink on those special occasions. So, being Valentine's Day, he thought he's pick that up for me. I'd had a glass the week before at my birthday dinner, so the kind was fresh in his mind.

He often tells me I haven't told him things I know I've told him. But recently he told me that he's okay with that, because in my head, I'm thinking I've shared with him which means in my mind, he's always with me. I guess I should just look at his presents like that: at least he's thinking of me when he's not with me.

[frwrfpos]

57. my advice...stop buying into the materialistic shit

I dont do presents at all and judging a person on the presents he or she gives you is awful

[intheflow]

90. I was totally down with this,

especially since I was severely under-employed when we started dating. AND we live in about 700 square feet so don't have much room to put anything new. He's the one who thinks gift-giving is important. And he makes a big deal about asking what I want. The amazon wish list was his idea. That's why it's so baffling why he doesn't get what I ask for.

For the record, when he asked me what I wanted for Valentine's, I asked that he pick me up some tulips from the supermarket (about $5). Instead, he bought me a bottle of wine for about $12. So please don't lecture me on how materialistic I am.

[frwrfpos]

91. i didnt mean it as lecturing

sorry if that came off wrong..i just meant im not materialistic

[intheflow]

92. Well, okay then.

[mythology]

58. Every year for my mom's birthday and Christmas

my dad would get my mom a hurricane lamp. Why? Because he knew it annoyed her and it amused him to do so. There's a reason neither my mom nor I talk to him any longer.

If your biggest complaint is that you aren't getting great gifts, then I'd say you're pretty lucky.

But if you feel strongly about it, don't just give him a list. Talk to him about it and see if he would be open to the idea of going shopping together or to stick more carefully to your list. See if he feels it's cheating or if he feels it doesn't mean as much if he buys you exactly what you set out as a list. I know I use gift lists as suggestions. Partially because it feels unoriginal and because it feels like a step above giving a gift card.

[intheflow]

76. The list was his idea.

I only created it because he suggested it so he would know what I wanted. That's why it's so baffling why he doesn't use it!

[lastlib]

83. Next time, tell him you want a gift card for XYZ Store, and then go buy your own present.

Problem solved?

[intheflow]

85. Sadly, that doesn't solve the problem.

He hates gift cards, thinks their lazy gifts - even when asked for. Doesn't believe for a second anyone would really want one. It was a good thought. But you know us liberals - we're quirky!

[Shampoobra]

87. At this point I would resort to, "Surprise me"

It's what you're going to get anyway.

[AsahinaKimi]

88. Just a thought....

You should be happy to have some one. Many of us don't. My cat gives me gifts every day that suck.