Can I vent for a minute about family?

[Justice wanted]

My Mom has guilted me into staying in the town I'm living in now. I will admit I probably let her do it to me.

I live in a town called New Castle. I hate it. I want out of this town for MANY reasons but it is my mother's home town and the town she raised my sister and I in. My sister -who is younger got married first and ran from this town and away from my mother's constant hold. I stayed in this town and after I got married I thought give her a year to see she-my mother doesn't need me so much-my husband and I can than get on with our lives and start our careers both of us are hospitality travel in tourism field. Unless you want to work at a hotel I can't get any work in the field I studied unless I have 5 years EXPERIENCE in the field and Hotel experience doesn't count. I kept being told If you go down south or out west You'll get a job instantly BUT the minute Hubby and I talk to my mom about it -Forget it!
Mom said How hard it is to be in a different area. How jobs are hard to get.

Her hope was that I get a job as a school secretary. She had that job until she retired AND though she doesn't like to admit it her father had to "Pay" for her to get the job. Corruption seems to be this town's middle name. (My humble opinion) But basically her view is that I am to stay in this town no matter what.

I have a job interview-JUST an interview-for a company in Cranberry which is about 40 minutes from our home. She calls me today "Why do you want to go to Cranberry and work. Jobs are terrible everywhere. You don't have a car. Why not just stay in town.


She demands I am in town in case of emergency YET when she had eye surgery this past week she didn't even want to tell me about it because she got my uncle to take her. YET I'M the ONLY one she can depend on!

AND when my sister Now living in Maryland with her husband and two kids are coming YOU should hear my mothers voice -EVEN though my mom and sister are so alike they are constantly fighting-My sister is coming and I need to basically drop everything to make my sister's stay AWESOME.

Last year when I was sick and almost died My sister did come in to make sure I was okay. At the time I was at my mother's house recovering (Because she would be one too many people in our 1 bedroom apartment) I told my sister You know I have dealt with Mom for 10 years now it is your turn to take mom for a while. All my sister did was laugh and gave me an as if look. I was the stuck in this town and THAT is the last word she would have her life and I"m stuck living this life. So I'm can't stand thinking of my sister now without thinking of that little moment and how in that action I realized I will be the one caring for my mother and when she does pass away She's going to cry and get all the sympathy while I look like the hard cold bitch.

This woman is so dependent on me being in this town that I can't even move 2 hours away to my husband's home town of Washington -because there are jobs there and his family is there.

GAWD WHY CAN"T YOU PICK YOUR FAMILY!

[Angry Dragon]

1. How did your mother ever survive until you were born??

You just have to decide who is going to live your life .... you or your mother

[Justice wanted]

2. I know. I keep telling myself that. My husband keeps telling me that. Unfortnunately or fortunate

however you view it family has always been imporant in this area. In fact the church mom belongs to and I use to go to. It isn't expected for sons or daughters to leave the home really until they are married. Some do to work in Pittsburgh but Family is one and important. In fact my mom lived with her parents until she was married.

She divorced my father and she moved back to new castle to be with her parents again. She always drilled into my sister and me that It was just the three of us. That works in my mind and I'm just pissed that it is like a subconscious BLOCK

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. You need to get out of there, and stop enabling your mom to run your life.

It might sound cruel, but if I were you, I would cut all ties and get going.

You are letting her do this. Why?

It's your life.

[Justice wanted]

4. I think part of me is worrying about being a bad child. Of abandoning her and what people would

think. I know might sound stupid.

I do thank you for letting me talk this out to get my head straight.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. But you're not being a bad child. You're not a child at all, but an adult.

You need to make your own way and to hell with what anyone else thinks.

I hate to see you stuck in a situation like this one...

[Justice wanted]

6. Thank you. I do understand that.

[TexasTowelie]

7. While my circumstances are different, I understand how you feel.

I'm the youngest and I'm assisting my brother take care of my elderly father. There has been so much anger about financial issues lately with him and my three sisters (due to the fact I'm unemployed) that I want to disassociate myself with the rest of the family after my father passes. I'm trapped right now and have to deal with it, but there is nothing worse than having family members tell you that they rather see me homeless and suffering on the streets (particularly since I'm having health issues).

After working for 23 years and never being unemployed, it is amazing how the situation changes when they realize that they won't get a big payday since I don't have a life insurance policy anymore and need help. If I should find a decent job again, I'll repay my debts to the family but the proceeds of any insurance benefits will be going elsewhere.

I hope the opportunity to vent helped you somewhat. It made a little bit of difference for me today.

[Justice wanted]

8. OH I am so sorry for your situation. If you ever need to vent or a shoulder (cyber shoulder) I am

here feel free to PM me.

My mother was stuck taking care of both of her parents who had cancer. They died within 10 months of one another. My sister and I watched it all happen. Her brother accused her of stealing all the "money". Truth was there was no money.

[Withywindle]

10. OMG, I am so sorry that is happening to you.

You'd think they'd at least recognize that helping to take care of an elderly family member may not bring in a paycheck, but it is certainly not slacking, nor is it without value.

Since when did "debts" within a family become all about money?

[Justice wanted]

11. Unfortunately some families can be like that completely.

[Withywindle]

12. I know.

It's awful.

[Withywindle]

9. You are NOT a bad child.

You know, one of the biggest parts of a parent's job is to raise children who will be able to become independent adults. You could be, but she's trying to stifle independence out of you, and that is NOT good parenting. It just isn't.

If you move to your husband's hometown 2 hours away, where there are jobs, that's close enough that you could still visit on weekends if you wanted to--but also far enough that you could not visit if you didn't want to. No wonder she's afraid of that - it puts the choice in your hands. Which is where it should be.

If she's trying to discourage you from looking for work just 40 minutes away....RED FLAG. How would you feel if your husband tried to keep you in the home and financially dependent, and tried to convince you that your dreams were impossible? I'd hope you'd think that was a huge sign of a fucked-up relationship, right? 'Cause it is!

I'm from a small town myself. I'm very familiar with crabs-in-a-bucket syndrome and tall-poppy syndrome. There's nothing at all wrong with being a school secretary, but if that's not your dream, there's no reason why you should have to be one just because she was. Seems like those jobs aren't available where you are now anyway, and she's just trying to stop you from pursuing anything (ANYTHING....out of all the bajillions of different jobs in the world) else. You are not her "mini-me." You are yourself.

[Justice wanted]

13. You are right. My friend was in the situation you described and I kept yelling at her to get out.

[Withywindle]

14. Well, I just want to give you some support.

It's OK to look out for #1 sometimes. But it also sounds like there'll be lots of drama if you do, and you may not be up for that right now. That's OK too. I know what I think you should do, but I won't judge you badly if you don't.

Just know that some of us here hear you, and can relate, and will be thinking of you and wishing you ALL the best.

[Justice wanted]

15. THanks you. And just being able to vent has made me feel a little better. I'm am hoping within a

year or a year and a half hubby and I can change our location.

[Withywindle]

16. You're welcome! All blessings to you and hubby.

I'm glad being able to vent has helped. DU can be really good for this, can't it? I've done it too over the years, and almost always got some good advice and support, no matter what.

Good luck, wherever you go.

[murielm99]

19. I know what tall poppy syndrome is, but

what is crabs in a bucket?

[Withywindle]

20. Crabs in a bucket will always drag each other down

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality

Terry Pratchett wrote about this beautifully in Unseen Academicals:

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/crab-bucket


(My dad's from Baltimore, I grew up hearing this expression in a different form, so I know TP didn't invent it; he just explained it better than anyone.)

Any time you try to better yourself just a little bit, and people who claim to care about you pull you down, that's crab bucket.

[mrmpa]

17. Get the hell out of there.......

if you get the job in cranberry, can your husband move there with you? Where is his job? Washington is a decent county, you've got the casino there. I live 20 minutes from Washington County, and everytime I drive through it I am surprised at the growth they have had. I'm sorry, but there's nothing in New Castle.

[murielm99]

18. Please get out of there!

You need to get away from your mother. She is a nightmare.

I have one of those mothers, too. My brothers and I have all had to learn how to set boundaries. She is 83, but still tries to run our lives. She is the most abusive toward me, the only girl. I speak to her on the phone once a month. I only visit her if there are several other people present. She will start fights that can go on for years, unless I do this.

My brother's grown children despise her so much that they have never taken their children to visit her. She was not welcome at any of their weddings. My son invited her to his wedding, and my kids still speak to her, but not often.

Don't let your mother cling. Go to counseling if you need to, but do something. You need to live your own life.

[Tripod]

21. Poor Me, I was just doing this last night with my Brother.

Your the Victim,,, common, your Mom is. She probbly spent 20 years taking care of you ungreateful people, maybe your Father included. Then a smart one got away, and the dumb one stayed. Then a nice guy came to marry you, actually rescue you, help you with your issues. And you say yes, but you can't do it, it is realy no. So now his life is hell because he hates the power your Mom has over you..................goes on forever... I get it. Hope you do well. I don't want to sound mean, but alot of us are trying to do this. Good Luck

[raccoon]

22. "If someone is controlling you, THEY are not the problem." I

heard that in a workshop once.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to stop letting your mother control your life. For your sake, and it's not fair to your husband either.

Get some counseling if it will help.

[Dorian Gray]

23. Despite your mom's

insistence you stay, you can make your own decisions and leave. Unless she is holding the purse strings and paying for your move, there is no reason why you can't do it.

You are an adult, you are married, and you are capable of making decisions that upset your mother. You don't need to take care of her.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but think about why you capitulate to your mother's will.... WHY? You must get something out of it for you to do so. Otherwise, make the move you say you want to make. Your mom can take care of herself despite all her saying otherwise.

[KatyaR]

24. Your story sounds exactly like mine.

GET OUT NOW.

I allowed my mother to run my life because she was overbearing and I wasn't strong enough. Only difference, I am single, never married, no children. My mother actually laughed in my face when I told her my boyfriend and I were talking about getting married (this was almost 30 years ago).

My mom made my life hell. She once told me that until she was dead, I didn't have a life. I was to be at her beck and call for anything. And she acted that way all the time. I had to see her every weekend. I had no time to myself. If I didn't answer her phone calls, she would drive 40 miles to my house, knock on the door, and then walk around the house knocking on the windows when I didn't answer. Then she's drive around for an hour, come back, and do it all over again. I hated it, I was a prisoner in my own home.

When my mom developed Alzheimer's, she had to go into a nursing home because I couldn't take care of her. I lived 40 minutes away, had a job and some bit of a life, and she was a MEAN Alzheimer's patient. She was horribly difficult to deal with in the nursing home, and I just couldn't emotionally handle it. I ended up giving rights to my aunt and her daughter to deal with her. It was just too much for me. I'm ashamed and I regret it now, but mostly I don't because she just wouldn't let go, but I blame myself nevertheless. This I blame on her, too.

Please, think about this. You are married, you are building a life for yourself. Please, please, PLEASE don't live according to your mother's wishes. You'll regret it in the end. Be strong, you will be the better for it. My life will never be what I wanted because I didn't walk away.

And I'm sorry you're going through this. Best wishes to you and your husband.

[lunatica]

25. When you reach out like this it means you've already started changing

You're seeking validation for your right to have the life of your choice. You'll get there simply because you're seeking help. But it might be better if you seeks real help.

You know your mother will never change. So the only person who can change is you. You can be the boss of you instead of your mother being your boss.

[pink-o]

26. Go. Get out. Go. Get out. Go. Get out.

That is all.

[LiberalEsto]

27. What kind of services exist for seniors in your area?

I would call and see what's available, whether there are programs she can attend, companions, volunteer work she can do, etc. Maybe she can qualify for Meals on Wheels or the friendly visitor program.

You can start gradually shifting the burden onto other shoulders and maybe she will find herself involved in things.

[alphafemale]

28. yes you can leave. do it.

Quit bitchin and start walkin.

[saras]

29. Tell her the truth. Tell her all the truth. Tell her all the time. She will change her mind...

...if only to get you and your big mouth the hell away from her and her social scene, if not to actually support your being an adult citizen.

[Duppers]

30. Go!!

I've been there, done that. My happiness & mental health were threatened.

Your mom is way too dependent.

[MrsBrady]

31. One thing I learned to do...

I don't have to pick up the phone
when my mother calls.

Get going.

[nolabear]

32. As a therapist I'd advise you to talk to a therapist.

It can be very helpful to think about why you're paralyzed by the relationship. I won't say more because I don't give professional advice on DU but I see many people in your situation. It's helpful to understand what you might be trying to make happen, or what you fear might happen if you live an emotionally independent life. Good luck to you. It's hard but it can get better.

[DFW]

33. This is torture most cruel

The fact that it's family and psychological pressure, and not the Lubyanka and screws being driven into
your heels doesn't change the fact that you are slowly being tortured to death, and I do not mean that
figuratively. Get out or get buried before your time. I mean it. Make the choice while you still have a choice
to make.