Friday Joke thread. Here's mine:

[geardaddy]

Last edited Fri May 15, 2015, 03:18 PM - Edit history (1)

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[marym625]

1. tee hee hee

[cloudbase]

2. Why aren't Junior Leaguers into group sex?

Too many thank-you notes to write the next day.

[geardaddy]

3. ...

[dembotoz]

4. 3 old guys sitting in a bar

first guy oh i hate being old---i am 75 years old and when i go pee it just dribbles out and i have to wait and wait.

second guy yah i agree--i am 80 years old and i am so constipated--cramps all the time, laxatives all the time, always a problem....

third guy--hey is gets better--i am 85 years old...Every morning at 7am i pee like a racehorse-good strong flow empty my bladder completely and then at 8am i have may VERY regular morning poop. Never constipated no siree.
and then at 9 am i wake up.

[geardaddy]

5. Ha!

[trueblue2007]

6. my joke

A pirate walks into a pub. Another patron, having never met a pirate before, wants to know the stories behind the battle scars. He buys the pirate a pint, and strikes up a conversation.
"How'd you get the peg leg?"
"Shark took off me leg in the South Seas."
"How about that hook?"
"Lost the hand in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"Seagull pooped in me eye."
"Are seagull droppings really that dangerous?"
"No, but it were me first day with the hook."

[geardaddy]

7. Hahaha!

[olddots]

8. I asked my wife if she would love me

when I became old and wrinkly and smelled bad .She said "I do "

[DFW]

9. As long as we're into sex and the elder man jokes....

A 90 year old man walks into a Catholic church, and finds the priest near the confessional.

He tells the priest, "hey, last night, I has sex for hours with a hot 22 year old woman, and satisfied her beyond her wildest expectations!"

The priest is taken aback. "Is she your wife?" he asks.

"Nope. Not in the slightest," said the 90 year old man. "Just met her the day before yesterday."

"That's appalling!" says the priest. "You had better step into the confessional right now."

"What for?" asks the 90 year old man.

"To confess your sin!" answers the priest.

"Sure didn't seem like a sin to me," says the old man.

"What kind of Catholic are you?" demands the priest.

"Who said I was Catholic? I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish." explains the 90 year old man.

"Then why are you telling me this?" asks the priest.

"Telling YOU? Hell, I'm telling EVERYBODY!" answers the 90 year old man.
-------------------------------------------
And, down south from me in Switzerland, one fine day in the Alps.............

Three 95 year old guys come down from their tiny village to a small town of about 150 people because they had heard that some places had electricity and running water.

After spending nearly ten minutes exploring the place, they sit down in a row on a bench. Their heads hang with exhaustion, looking at their feet.

After half an hour, the first one looks up and declares, "Sex is nice." His head then hangs back down.

Half an hour later, the second one looks up and says, "Christmas is also nice." His head hangs back down.

Half an hour after that, the third one looks up and adds, "And Christmas comes more often."

[Flying Squirrel]

10. A man walks onto the kitchen floor while it's wet

And is promptly shot dead by his wife (pardon the old stereotype). The neighbors hear the gunshots and call the police. The responding officers radio in to dispatch with a situation update, and the dispatcher asks if they have arrested the woman. They respond:

.

.

.

.

.

"Not yet, the floor is still wet!"

[seveneyes]

11. Why did rambo stop shooting?

He ran out of ammo.

[chknltl]

12. More dirty old farts

A creepy old guy goes up to an elderly lady at a nursing home and says, "Hey there hot stuff, care for some super sex?" She looks the man over once and responds, "I'll take the soup!"

I wish these old clips were in better shape...Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzy:

&index=5&list=PL2RzsTTHhhwVjSKPk3Al1tZ37D8XJDIEt

[mackerel]

13. Two cannibals were sitting down to eat a clown.

One looked over at the other and asked," Does this meat taste funny to you?"

[chknltl]

14. What do you call a chicken who....

What do you call a chicken who jumps in a mud puddle then crosses the road, then crosses the road again?
A dirty double crosser of course.

[chknltl]

15. 4 blondes walk into a bar....

4 blondes walk into a bar and order a round of drinks. They toast each other with: "31 DAYS!" and down their drinks. Then they call for a second round and again they toast each other with: "31 DAYS!" and they down that round as well. When they call for the third round the bartender asks them, "Well gee ladies, what's going to happen in 31 days?" "No silly", responds one of the blondes, "You see, we got this jigsaw puzzle and it only took us 31 days to put it together!" "Wow", said the bartender, "that must have been one tough puzzle!" "Boy, I'll say!", said one of the other blondes, "The box said 2-4 years on the cover!"

[pinboy3niner]

16. I won DU's Million Dollar Lottery!

Skinner tells me I'll get a dollar a year for a million years!

[Ron Obvious]

17. 3 little old men

A reporter sees three old men sitting in the park. On the off-chance they might have a story to tell, he walks over to them and asks them about their life, and to what they attribute their longevity.

The first old man says, "I'm 80 years old and I have always been very careful. I never smoked, never drank, and I've never known a woman."

"That's very impressive", says the reporter, and he turns to the even-older-looking man sitting next to him. "And how about you, sir?"

"I'm 90 years old", says the man proudly, "and, like my friend, I come from a very religious household. I never smoked, never drank, and have always avoided the company of women."

"Rubbish!", says the third and oldest-looking man of the three. "I smoked three packs a day, drank a fifth of Scotch every night, and as for women, I had a different one every night."

"And how old are you, sir?", asks the reporter, impressed.

The old man's trembles, his voice is weak and quavering as he answers, "32."

[Major Nikon]

18. 2 old men are sitting on a park bench

1st old man: "I'm in perfect shape! I bet you can't guess how old I am."

2nd old man: "I can guess how old you are."

1st old man: "I'm in perfect shape! There's no way you can guess how old I am."

2nd old man: "Stand up."

1st old man stands up.

2nd old man: "Now drop your pants and drawers."

1st old man: "I can't do that, this is a public park!"

2nd old man: "Do you want me to guess your age or not?"

1st old man drops his pants and drawers.

2nd old man: "Now bend over."

1st old man bends over

2nd old man thrusts two fingers in his ass, twists them, and says, "You're 87 years old."

1st old man: "That's incredible, how on earth could you tell?"

2nd old man: "You told me yesterday."

[Dont call me Shirley]

19. Who gets money back from Medicare?