Advice needed...

[tavernier]

My husbands older brother passed away yesterday. They are three brothers and the younger brother is an outcast... well, an ass, truth be told. But his son is very family oriented, kind, truly nice guy.

The deceased's son said he wished no one to know (other than my husband) and the rest of them could read it in the obit. He is angry because his mother died two weeks ago and one of the cousins threw a fit that he wasn't notified.

Question? Should the younger brother be told, despite the son's wishes?

I'm just an in-law, but I am having a hard time with this. If it was my brother, I would want to know. I have a good relationship with the nephew. I'd like to tell him because he could break it to his father, but I don't know if it is truly my business.

[Turbineguy]

1. Extend the olive branch.

but as an olive branch.

[blogslut]

2. If you decide to tell the nephew...

instruct him to wait until the obituary is published before he contacts the deceased's family.

[tavernier]

5. Problem is, that is his father

and I'm just an in law outsider.

I personally think he has a right to know, but my husband and his brother's son don't. I'm not a busybody by nature and would never take on something like this, but I don't feel quite right that a brother isn't being notified about he death of his sibling.

I guess because I'm an only child, im asking for advice.

[blogslut]

9. I haven't spoken to my brother for over 20 years.

His wife died recently. My other brother sent their child flowers from him, myself and my sister - along with written condolences to my estranged brother. I suppose if my sister's husband had gone behind her back and called my long-lost brother, it would have been wrong. I see your difficulty. Maybe just find a way to accept the dilemma as unresolved. Family stuff is a minefield sometimes.

[LonePirate]

3. You should encourage your husband to tell his brother.

Your husband should prioritize his brother over his nephew. Add the caveat of keeping it between them until the funeral at the latest.

[cynatnite]

4. Will it make matters worse by keeping quiet about this?

Ask yourself that question before deciding.

We're going through something similar right now, but the way I see it...family is family. They have a right to know. Let the chips fall where they may.

As long as you know in your heart what the right thing to do is and you do your best to follow through, then it'll be up to him on whether or not he wants to be an ass.

This is a huge deal that can affect family relationships for a lifetime.

[tavernier]

6. My husband and his deceased brother

haven't spoken with younger brother in 30 years, so there is no relationship. Apparently it was broken when younger brother tried to take over all property when the father died. He didn't. The will was equal, but the animosity didn't end.

[tavernier]

7. I am an only child.

I've wished for siblings from the time I could talk. I've thought about how great it would be to have a big brother, little sister. All my life I've missed having that kid that would frustrate me and love me and help me bury my parents someday.

But today, as my husband grieved the loss of his brother, it dawned on me that at least I was spared of this pain.

[UTUSN]

8. The news belongs to everybody (public in Obit). What does your husband think?

That "gatekeeping" phenom (some family members deciding stuff) is a common thing & usually a power play. Sounds like your husband and the nephew are conciliatory and should be communicated to and with. Mail the Obit anonymously to the nephew if there's no other way. Timely, to allow time to participate in the rituals if he chooses to. And if he shows up and somebody else causes a scene, then it's time for you to step in and lay down the law.

[pinboy3niner]

10. All relatives deserve to know and to be notified. nt

[tavernier]

11. I agree, but not by me

if closer family has a problem.

I just want to go away.

[mythology]

12. I think it's not your call to make

As somebody who hasn't spoken to my old man in 17 years after putting up with his abuse, I believe I have a right to keep him excluded from my life. Nobody else gets to make that call for me. A significant other going behind my back, substituting their judgement for my own would be a deal breaker.

If you feel strongly, make the case to your husband, but in the end, it's his call because it's his family and his history.

[tavernier]

13. Yes

In the end, I have to live with my husband.

[Phentex]

15. You're in a tough spot but I agree with this advice...

my family has feuds of all kinds that have lasted for years. I keep my distance from group events but have relationships individually. Sometimes that's just how it goes.

[Fla Dem]

16. I agree with mythology's advice.

In the end there is no right answer, just the best answer. It's your husbands and the dead brother's son's decision to make.

[Donkees]

14. Condolences to your family. I think if there has not been any attempt at peace-making in 30 years,

the resentment will only become amplified during this emotional time and you'll become enmeshed in it.

[tavernier]

17. Thanks everyone!

Obit is online now, so I'm off the hook.