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Sun Dec 25, 2016, 01:55 AM

STAR WARS: No, There is Another: The Best Possible Backstory for Rey

Thereís been endless speculation about Reyís big secret in Star Wars. In fact, searching for answers about our new favorite scavenger is probably the biggest talking point coming out of The Force Awakens: Why was she left on Jakku? Who are her parents? Why did that lightsaber like her so much? Does Luke know her? Is she Obi Wanís granddaughter? If so, when did Obi Wan date anyone? Did he ever take them to Dexter Jettsterís diner for a quick dinner before going to see a creepy bubble play?

Itís high time I tossed myself into the sarlacc pit of Rey speculation, because I too have nerdy dork thoughts about all of these nerdy dork things. Not only that, but I am a writer on the internet, and that practically makes me a Knight of Ren. If this makes the front page of Reddit, they give me my cool black mask.

So. Who is Rey? Well, theyíve already told us: sheís no one. And man, I really hope thatís true. I want Rey to be some force sensitive orphan that got dumped in the desert for reasons weíll never find out until the Force Awakened and tossed her into a heroís journey.

Why? Because pulp needs mystery. Wolverine was cool because he had no memories, for instance. Star Wars especially needs mystery- in fact, it thrives on it. The galaxy far, far away soars when it makes us accept information while we strap in for a fun ride, and falls on itís face when it pumps the brakes to explain things to us. Obi Wan is a master of the Force, and because he understands this weird space magic better than we do, he is special and interesting. I donít want Qui Gonís explanation about the Force. I want to be a slack jawed farm boy that dares to believe in space telekinesis, just like Luke. I want the mystery so that I can appreciate Hansí skepticism. When Star Wars explains the Force, it makes Han dumb. How could you not believe in the Force? Itís microscopic organisms that are in your cells. Did you not go to school? Do you not believe in germs, either? Han, do you wash your hands after you use the bathroom? Han, be honest.

Explaining Star Wars is usually the worst part of Star Wars- and for most pulp adventure, to be honest. Darth Vader is a terrifying man in a black mask until you explain that he used to be a totally wizard little boy that grew up to be a creepy man baby that hates sand because itís so coarse.


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