Watching "Lost In Space" in the bedroom with my girlfriend. Car lights. It was the cops.

[Miles Archer]

Took my girfriend's son and his girlfriend to jail tonight.

"Mystery" altercation. We were in the bedroom and heard nothing.

All of a sudden there are car lights shining in the bedroom window.

The cop called two other cops.

The son and the girlfriend told two completely different stories. Both had been drinking. Mondays are usually heavy drinking days for both of them, and it usually leads to fights.

They were talking to her and he kept putting his two cents in. I told him "Be calm, let the officers do their jobs, speak when spoken to, or I can guarantee you that you are going to jail." Told him this at least six times.

"Yet, he persisted." And they both went to jail for disturbing the peace.

And tomorrow, when the worst of whatever Hurricane Irma has in store for South Carolina, I will have to drive 15 miles across town to pick them up when they are released from jail.

So...how was your day?

[MLAA]

1. Maybe 2 nights in jail might help them 😬 Good luck, you've had a rough night.

[Miles Archer]

10. Thank you

The cops were here for about 45 minutes. 45 extremely tense minutes.

My dad was a cop. I know how to behave around them, to be polite, to pretty much speak when spoken to and keep my responses brief, without emotion and extrapolation. Simple question, give a simple answer.

My girlfriend's son kept ramping it up, dropping f-bombs and such.

Spent about 45 minutes decompressing with my girlfriend after they left.

I do believe I'll sleep like a rock tonight.

[ret5hd]

2. My second time I went to jail...

called my dad.

He brought me 2 packs of cigarettes and told me I was on my own. Didn't ask what happened.

Didn't bother calling him any time after that.

Sometimes "tough love" is what's needed.

[Miles Archer]

11. We talked about that.

After the two of them went to jail a couple of weeks ago (separately)...her for the same thing that happened tonight, him for assaulting a guy while drunk and on drugs at a party...my girfriend held out hope that they'd learn a lesson. I think she was the one who learned the lesson tonight.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. Maybe they should have to cope on their own; have them get a cab or hitchhike.

They are adults and should be responsible for their fuckups. Don't help them.

[onecaliberal]

5. That. So much that.

[Miles Archer]

13. That's an option.

We're getting the first taste of Irma here tonight. Steady rain but not really heavy, high winds but average. He claimed he had $5 left for gas to get to work in the morning. She wanted it so that she could drive four miles down to the road to the corner store to buy more beer. That's the mindset. And if worst came to worst and they didn't want to hitchhike, her dad could drive down and get them. He's pretty far from here but I don't care. When they moved in he drove a big trailer behind his pickup truck and hit the back of my car when he left, so his comfort level isn't on my radar.

[AJT]

4. Oh Miles Archer I wish you get out of that mess.

Why do you have to pick them up? Isn't the young man your girlfriend's son?

[Miles Archer]

14. My girlfriend can't drive.

I do all of the driving. And even if she could, it's a mess here. Even with the minimal beginnings of Irma, we've hot flooding and wind. There's no way I would send her out in this. But it also means that I don't have to do it, either. And he's 40, which to me is young in terms of lifespan, but not young in terms of old enough to know better.

[Doreen]

6. Drinking and heavily on Monday night?

Sounds to me like separate housing is needed.

[Miles Archer]

15. You know those movies where someone mixes two chemicals and blows up the lab?

That's the two of them. Two people in severe need of counseling who detonate like clockwork every couple of weeks.

[Warpy]

7. Screw that. They need to organize their own transportation

Saving drunks from the full consequences of their actions is called enabling. It keeps them drunks.

[Miles Archer]

16. We had the "enabling" talk tonight after they left

This was the first time when it was acknowledged. What happened a few weeks ago strained my need to grant "second chances" to the limit. It's clear this will continue as long as it is allowed. We did have that talk.

[Rhiannon12866]

8. At least you can count on peace for the rest of the night

[left-of-center2012]

9. Are they adults?

"Mondays are usually heavy drinking days for both of them,
and it usually leads to fights."

How often do you rescue them from jail?
Why should they grow up with you to save them?

It's not funny. It's sad.

Tough Love:
promotion of a person's welfare, especially that of an addict, child, or criminal, by enforcing certain constraints on them,
or requiring them to take responsibility for their actions.

[Miles Archer]

17. He's 40, she's in her 30s.

They have been paying us a small amount of money weekly to offset the fact that they are doubling our electric bill, among other things. When he went to jail for assault, the girlfriend used the money that should have gone to us that week to bail him out.

It's my girlfriend's son and my girlfriend's house. I'm 100% on board with everything that's being said here. It's up to me to make the case, even though it should be obvious. We talked about a "no alcohol in the house" rule and know that they will just sneak it in, go to a bar, or both. The only solution is to enforce a departure date, which I hope I won't have to do via eviction, because it will cost me more money I don't have.

[hunter]

19. "Tough Love" is bullshit and it can be deadly, especially when the cops get involved.

Love is about boundaries. "Enforcing" is futile. Whatever requirements you might demand, irresponsible people are not suddenly going to "take responsibility." They are not going to accept your constraints.

Ordinary love is hard work, especially so with addicts, criminals, and children.

My own kids, nephews, and nieces are wonderful people, but damn, did they (and do they!) push the boundaries sometimes, usually in good ways, but occasionally in ways that make me want to scream.

My wife and I both have many siblings and we were all trouble too, sometimes still are... but we can all depend on one another and that makes all the difference.

[Miles Archer]

22. Very true.

See, her son thinks that cops are someone to be screwed with. And what he is too stupid enough to know is that if he'd kept his cool, shut his mouth, and stayed out of it, they would have left him alone and she would have been taken to jail.

The first cop who showed up was the super-polite, super-professional cop. You could also tell that he was a zero-tolerance, no-nonsense cop. He rotated over to me about 6 times, asking me what happened, asking me about the history of their behavior in this house. Anyone with half a brain knows that one reason a cop will ask you something six times is to see if you change your story or left something out. I didn't change a word. I kept my responses honest and brief. The sixth time he said to me "OK, I believe you. I believe you."

Then he pulled one of the other cops over to us, told him what he shared, and said "OK, I know what I'm going to do. I've got this." He called to the girlfriend first, told her to put on her shoes. She challenged him, "Why am I putting on my shoes?" She knew exactly why. Then she started yelling "Why am I fucking going to jail?" He said "M'am, you've been drinking, I smell it on you, you are having trouble standing up," and she said "Bullshit!" and only got more belligerent. Once they had her in cuffs, they told him to put on his shoes. He said "Oh, great, I'm going to jail too? WHY? I didn't DO anything!"

That's his whole life. He's always the guy who didn't do anything. The reason they got evicted was that he had several black kids who were neighbors who did nothing more than be several little black kids who were his neighbors. And he doesn't like the idea of that. So at one point he made sure to see that he had a gun. He didn't pull it out or do anything with it, he just made sure they saw it. I would assume that because of the drunkenness and the ongoing fights, the property managers were just looking for an excuse to toss them out. That became the excuse.

Neither of them respect boundaries of any kind.

Yesterday morning my girlfriend got up and looked in their bathroom. They use the one in the main house exclusively, ours is in the bedroom which is off-limits to them. There was diarrhea all over the toilet bowl and running down the back. My girlfriend had no idea when they were going to get out of jail, so she cleaned it. She asked him about it when he got home and he said "Wasn't us...probably one of the cats did it." Of course they did. They stood on their hind legs, lifted the lid, let go, and left it. Because that's how cats roll, you know?

Something catastrophic is going to have to happen for the two of them to turn their life around. I can't do anything without my girlfriend's participation and agreement. I don't believe the agreement to be out of here by Halloween will be kept without some form of court enforcement. And if she refuses to go downtown and sign the papers, there is nothing I can do about it.

[lastlib]

12. How was my day? I got rear-ended on the job......

...driving the company truck.

Hit by a teenage girl who didn't even have a license yet (on a learner's permit).

Then her "dad" tries to weasel on it, telling me that her car "was all plastic in front and had had very little damage, so she couldn't have caused all the damage to my truck.
There wasn't really much damage to the truck--bumper pushed in about an inch, but he just didn't want his insurance having to pay for the whole thing.
Cops wouldn't even come out, since there were no injuries, so our insurance co's get to fight it out.

Apart from that, all hunky-dory! ("So how was the rest of the play, Mrs. Lincoln?&quot

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

18. He's 40, she's in her 30's and you're bailing them out?

That's called enabling and it's never a good thing.

You might want to reconsider living with your girlfriend if she's going to let two such irresponsible adults live there also.

It also doesn't sound as if either of them has a decent job. They need to be required to work and pay something reasonably close to a fair market rent if they are going to live there. Otherwise they should be cut loose. But I suspect your girlfriend will never do that, so again, reconsider living there yourself.

[mercuryblues]

20. I would double their rent

Let them know that they seem to have enough money for beer and bail, they have enough money to pay more rent. Put that money aside and either use it to pay their security deposit or hold onto it for when they need a loan because they are short on rent.

[Miles Archer]

21. They were told to move out by the end of October

They were told that they're drunk and stupid and in a revolving door to jail.

The girlfriend was told that she's going to lose her daughter if she keeps making regular trips to jail.

They were told that they need professional help to deal with their alcohol and violence issues.

They were told that they are no longer allowed to bring alcohol into the house.

This was the speech my girlfriend gave them when they got home. Apparently they called a friend and he gave them a ride back to the house.

No idea if he still has a job. Today is one of his regular days off. But I also have no idea if or when he called his boss yesterday to explain his no-show. If he did, I'll guarantee he concocted some kind of lie to cover himself.

They are not "renters" here. They were never offered permanent residency. They had an emergency and we tried to help. They spent 90 days sitting around chainsmoking (they each go through 2 packs a day) and drinking (he buys 2 18-can cases of Bud Light at a time, that lasts them for about 2 days). They have food stamps for their own food, but they also get take-out daily. So add those three things up over the course of three months and that's how much potential rent money for a new place of their own got blown. They both have jobs, they both had undisclosed debt, and at the end of three months of living here told us they were "broke."

I don't know if she works today. My guess is that he'll drag his ass out of bed at around 10 AM, light up a cigarette, turn on the TV, and giggle like a little kid as he always does at one of his favorite shows like "Big Bang Theory." This will go on all day. Then the girlfriend's daughter will wake up and spend the day bouncing off the walls. I passed out yesterday because after the night with the cops showing up, I had about three hours sleep. I woke up to the girlfriend's daughter standing directly under the bedroom window laughing and screeching at the cat in the window. I moved the cat, slammed the window shut, pulled the drapes and spend the next half hour trying to calm down my jackhammer headache.

If this were my decision, I would file eviction paperwork immediately. There is no formal lease. This is a month-to-month verbal agreement, which I know is still seen in the eyes of the law as a contract. However, a landlord can terminate a month-to-month lease with 30 days notice, simply because it is their right to do so. It doesn't have to be over non-payment of rent. Problem is that my girlfriend is the homeowner and I do not see her agreeing to do this.

So what we have is an ultimatum that has been delivered by my girlfriend, and the very real possibility that her son might just wipe his ass with it and still be here on Halloween.

I told her she's going to have to reinforce this weekly...reminders that they are gone by Halloween. He might nod and agree and then when Halloween comes say there's no money, and our only remedy at that point would be to file the termination notice downtown and have them here for another 30 days.

This guy is a lot like Trump. He lies, he's a manipulator, he has no conscience whatsoever, and he has an alcohol problem.

I am hoping it's not going to take something catastrophic for my girlfriend to become more assertive. Right now she thinks that because she told him to go, he's going to comply with it simply because she has told him so. History has proven otherwise. He's a cockroach.

[mercuryblues]

23. All I can say is good luck

At the end of the day he is still her son. If they fail to move out in 30 days if your girlfriend is unwilling to evict him, perhaps evicting the girlfriend after 30 days.(and not allowed in the house again) The son may go with her or he may stay. Either way it will get quieter for you. You can even start the eviction process on her today or tomorrow, if your girlfriend is willing.

[dembotoz]

24. shit i have it pretty damn good Freaky to see continuous lives screwed up via booze

the best lesson i ever learned was being dirt poor when i went away to school

i flat out did not have enough money to party....This allowed me to be stone sober when the drinkers came back from the bars.
i watched and learned....its what us psych majors do.....what i saw was not pretty....i learned to respect alcohol and i learned to respect drugs....outside looking in was helpful although my theory does not hold up because abuse of booze can run in families and surely kids would have seen the destructive nature of the stuff.....

Miles you got yourself a mess.....some sage advice i got from a mentor of mine...a single mom few years older than myself...anyway her sage advice was love me, love my kid....
the package deal....be careful....

[Miles Archer]

25. You're right about that...

...we have entered the "screw you" phase of events.

My girlfriend told me I need to "face reality" last night.

Her son did, in fact, get fired from his job over missing work due to being in jail.

His girlfriend still has her job as a waitress, but she only works part-time, and the first cut of whatever money she brings home will go to their cigarettes and beer budget.

Meanwhile, I am staring down the barrel of a $350 electric bill that is due at the end of the month. Normally, we'd be paying $150 this time of year. Their agreement was to pay half. This month, it's going to be all on me.

He is supposed to start a new job on October 1st. So we won't see a penny until his first check, which may be a week or two after that...I don't know. And when he does get paid, there will likely be some excuses about how they can't afford to pay anything.

My girlfriend put the brakes on the eviction idea. She said that it would cost us money to file the papers, and he'd go to court to fight it, and because the girlfriend has a 4 year old daughter, we'd get nowhere. That may or may not be true.

So the fairly tale version of this is that he starts this new job on October 1st, saves his money, looks for a place of their own, and is out of here on or before November 1.

I don't see that happening.

And now, he's going to be right here, sitting on his ass in front of the TV for the next two weeks, doing nothing. If the new job falls through, we have a 40 year old guy, his girlfriend, and her kid, living here, with me paying all the bills.

And like I said, my girlfriend is taking the "there is nothing you can do about it" approach, and it's her house, her son, and I'm screwed until I have the money to fix my car...at least a couple of thousand, if I get a rebuilt transmission and take care of the other issues...as well as first, last, and security for a place of my own. That's not going to happen overnight. My girlfriend knows this, which is why she's taking the "sucks to be you...better deal with it" stance.

[dembotoz]

26. Remember this

[Nay]

27. I'm afraid you may have to use the nuclear option. I wouldn't discuss her

son/his girlfriend any more, but I would give your girlfriend notice that you need to move out just for your own mental health. I would emphasize that I still loved her and wanted to see her regularly, but that you no longer can handle the rent, cops, etc., for everyone. I would be gentle and courteous about it, but I'd do that. It is certainly her prerogative to do what she feels she needs to do, but you don't have to suffer. And you shouldn't be paying for all this either.

I had an experience similar to this when my husband's son from his first marriage stayed with us for 6 months, girlfriend and all. What a mess! Believe me, it never gets better until something changes their mindset. In my stepson's case, nothing ever did. He's 43 yrs old.

P.S. I see that you are somewhat trapped financially. Hmm. Can you get a personal loan on your signature? Get a part-time job for a while? Stop paying for the stepson's electric?