My husband died Friday night.
He died suddenly of a heart attack. We'd been married for 38 years. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm wondering if anybody out there has been in the same situation. Relatives and friends have been great, but they don't know how if feels.
If anyone out there lost a spouse suddenly or after a long marriage, could you please commiserate with me? It's lonely and I know that I have the DU community for support.
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Have lost loved ones, but not spouse. Can only imagine your grief and sense of loss.
You might try posting in the bereavement group. I'm sure there will be DUers there who can offer you the solace you're seeking.
https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234
My prayers and good thoughts go out to you. 
I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don't discount close family though. That painful void--that hole in the heart that you feel with your loss is certainly different, but also similar in ways, to the loss of a parent, a sibling, or other close member--even (and I hope you won't take this wrong) those who experience the loss of a beloved pet who'd brought company and comfort for many years. Let each of those family member and friends be there for you, if just to listen.
My cousin talks a lot to me because she wants to know how to live alone again. Even how to cook for ones self. There are aspects of healing that any number of close friends and family can help you with.
May you find peace and comfort.
I didn't lose a husband suddenly, but did lose both my parents that way, so I know how hard that hits.
I attended a bereavement support group and saw many spouses in your situation, so you that's something you may want to consider.
I have a friend who lost her husband to esophageal cancer almost three years ago, three years after he retired at age 60. They had been
married a long time and he was a wonderful man.
She is a writer and may have some suggestions for finding support--either locally or on-line--from other widows. I will ask her.
Hugs to you.
His sudden death must be quite a shock. You had no time to prepare yourself.
If you're finding it difficult to be strong, that's completely normal. Don't be too hard on yourself. Cry and cry and cry. You've suffered a terrible loss.
Best wishes to you during your grief. Take your time grieving no matter what anyone says to you. It will take you a long time to "get over" the death. Think years.
when my dad died suddenly was to mourn as freely and for as long as I needed to, and to try to take care of my needs (in my case, for some reason, for more sleep during that time), and to commit myself to making sure that the light he brought to the world was not extinguished when he left. I tried to honor his spirit by being more kind and generous, which were qualities he embodied, and I "adopted" a couple of organizations he had supported. Others here have suggested taking your friends and family up on their offers of support, and I thoroughly agree. There were moments when I felt like the shipwrecked sailors of old legends who were guided to shore and saved from drowning by a pod of friendly dolphins who kept pushing their heads back above water so they could breathe. Your friends and family and your DU community will help you through this sad time.
seventeen months to a sudden, massive heart attack. It was shocking and grievous.
When I was twenty-seven, my first husband died after a brief illness. That was a long time ago, but the memories hurt.
Lean on your family and friends. Go to the bereavement forum here.
I am so sorry. Keep busy. Keep your good memories.
My sister lost her husband the same way.
It is so hard to be in her shoes because it is so painful.
I can't imagine....
I'm not trying to imply that normal grieving is abnormal in any way. It is a very normal reaction to a lifetime event, and falls under the rubric of mental health. Feel free to join us. Best wishes
Being married I can only imagine how terrible and painful your loss is. Hopefully, each day will offer something that eases your grief--even if for a moment. My sincere sympathy and wishes for you to find the ground under your feet again.
and the memories of that time are still vivid. He and I were moving from NC to Georgia to help my Dad through his last years. We had already moved most of our belongings and I had given my notice at my job. He moved a load down to Georgia and spent the weekend with my Dad. He called around 5:30 or so and we talked awhile. He said he would be back on Tuesday. My sister called me 2 hours later and said that he had collapsed and had been rushed to the hospital. I made a few quick phone calls, arranged for the neighbors to feed my cats, and I drove 5 hours straight, not knowing that he had been pronounced dead at the hospital. I don't know how I made it through the next week. It was a very dark time, but friends, family, and the angels held me aloft. During the next week, I had to finish packing up the house, closing out my job and tending to a lot of loose ends. Somehow, I made it through. We had a memorial service for him and scattered his ashes from the top of our favorite mountain at sunset.
You will have feelings of hurt and confusion, pain and fear, but talk to your friends anyway. I remember feeling very angry with my husband for "leaving" like he did, for leaving me behind. That anger, pain, hurt is temporary. It does get better, but you will miss him forever.
Please PM me if you would like to share your feelings. I am here often, though I don't post much.
May he rest in peace and look down over you.
I cannot imagine your pain.
It was not sudden, but it was devastating. My overwhelming thought for several days was "How can people just keep going on with their lives when this horrible, devastating event has just happened?" I remember seeing a cereal commercial on TV and thinking, "How can anyone care about cereal--about anything...NOW? Don't they know that the world will never be the same? Doesn't everyone know what an enormous loss this is?" The feeling was truly surreal.
The following are thoughts and guidance that I have developed or received over the years. It's not from a book or a blog, just from my own memories, just things that have actually helped me in times of tragedy. Take them for what they're worth, add to them if you find something that helps you, ignore them if they don't.
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I think it's good that you're reaching out to DUers. While I know we can occasionally be contentious and argumentative on matters of politics, most people here are warm and kind-hearted, and will absolutely help you if we can.
As several here have already suggested, I would recommend you reach out to family and community, especially those who knew your husband. Take the help that is offered by friends and family in the knowledge that it is also helping them to deal with their own grief.
There will be minutiae to deal with--name and address changes, newspaper announcements, appointment cancellations, etc. It will all feel petty and unimportant because, in the scheme of things, it is petty and unimportant. These are good tasks to allow others to help with, and if they don't get done, don't sweat it.
Surround yourself with people who love you, and don't be afraid to turn away those who might be unkind, hurtful, or would drain you of what precious little energy you might have.
Don't be afraid to remember his beauty, his warm energy, and even his humor. Laughing at a funny memory of him is not disrespectful or undignified. On the contrary, as someone above mentioned, it is how we infuse some small amount of immortality into a life that can be so brutally mortal.
Allow yourself time to heal. Don't put a time limit on it. In six months or a year or five years, when you find yourself needing to cry or wanting to think or talk about him, do so without recrimination.
There is no "right" way to grieve, and anyone who suggests that you are doing it "wrong" is obviously not speaking from experience, and is clearly not speaking out of love or concern for you.
I'm sure a lot of people have been touched by your husband's passing, but few, if any, are as affected as you. (Believe it or not, we can take a lesson from our narcissistic jack-ass of a president, but try not to think about where this suggestion comes from.) At this time, it truly is all about you. It is human nature for most of us (unlike the inspiration for this advice) to want to help those around us to cope. We often instinctually deny our own pain in order to help others. But remember, YOU are the one at the center of this tragic maelstrom. YOU are the one whose world will never be the same. There will be time later to think about others, and to help them. But for now, be selfish. When someone else offers to do the dishes, mow the lawn, address the thank-you notes...let them. They want to help, and helping you helps them...so let them. It doesn't make you Trump--I promise. And when your energy returns, and it will, you can once again acknowledge those who have been kind to you, and you can begin to rebuild your life around them. But for now, it IS all about you.
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I hope these help, but if they don't just hit "delete" and move on. I am so very sorry that you have this pain, and this hole in your life that must feel truly bottomless right now. Like many others, I will keep you in my warmest thoughts and send healing and positive energy your way. Take care.
I hope you are doing well.
Sending my deepest sympathies.
I know the loss of once in a lifetime love. Two years later I still grieve daily. you're devastated...why do you feel you need to be strong?...life as you knew it will never be the same...the crap advise ("things will get better"
is nothing more than empty platitudes.. you're allowed to sob, and wallow in your all consuming grief...you're allowed to hide because breathing and thinking and eating and sleeping is something you can't do right now...and you re allowed to be mad as hell at him, not because he left you alone but because he didn't take you with him..you're allowed to mourn what was..and that garbage about a "new normal"...well, the "new normal" is there is no new normal and that's the way it should be..at some point, after you deal with life insurance and social security and bank accounts and credit cards and bills, and your grown children go back to their lives , you will recognize that the widow journey is something you have to do all by yourself...you never fully recover but you learn how to make it through the day and those very long nights...and here's the best part...you're not afraid anymore...
I know something of what you're going through. My husband died of a heart attack, too, but he'd been in a nursing home for a couple of years due to vascular dementia brought on by the ravages of living with Type I DM since he was 4, and his health was declining. Still, it was a shock. I felt like a chair & somebody had just sawed off one of the legs--wobbly, off-balance, everything skewed. The best advice I can share is just allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling for however long you need to. Don't make any big decisions right now. Lean on friends & family if it helps you, but don't neglect yourself. If you need to contact someone who's "been there", please don't hesitate to message me. It's an awfully shitty club to belong to. Again, I'm so very sorry.
May he rest in power.
I still feel the anxiety.
I don't yet feel the loss you feel, but I looked into that abyss.
Grieve all you want. Be lonely. But know that we are all alone together.
I hope you feel his love surround you and help you.
My dear husband passed away Four years ago this coming May. He had been ill for a year. It's very hard to go through. Right now it is too recent to make sense of, so don't try. Someone sent me this early on and it turns out to have been true, for me at least.
The bereavement group that you were linked to above is a loving and supportive place. Feel free to PM me anytime and I'll try to help in any way I can.
Ann
My deepest and most sincere condolences. It must be totally overwhelming with all you have to deal with. Be kind to yourself.
My advice is to reach out to others when you are ready. You are right. People will get busy with their lives but it seems like there are plenty of people here you can talk to whenever you feel like it. DU never sleeps! PM if you want.
For now just know that we really do care about you.