Some questions for any Asexuals here

[LostOne4Ever]

Been trying to decide whether to post this here or to register on AVEN, and decided to post it here first as I feel more comfortable posting on DU.

It is my understanding that someone who is Asexual can be attracted to a person in an aesthetic or romantic manner just not in a sexual manner. What does that mean exactly? What is meant by the term sexual attraction? From the reading I have done I feel like im getting conflicting information. One place says that asexuals can feel attracted to others but another place they will say asexuals have no sexual attraction at all.

[center] [/center]

I myself feel attracted to the opposite sex, but I have no interest in sex. I like the idea of holding hands or cuddling but the very thought of copulation repels me. I have no interest in that act. But I do feel attracted to the other sex and in a stronger way than just looking at a painting I find pretty. Simply put, I don't know if this is a sexual attraction or not; and I don't know if this makes me hetero-romantic asexual, gray a, or just celibate.

To further my confusion I feel certain I have social anxiety syndrome and an avoidant personality (both of which make talking to anyone about this even harder that it would be noramlly). Even if I do like a person I can not bring myself to act on it. I begin quivering just talking to new people I am not attracted to and wanting to crawl into my own little cave.

So I haven't ever been on so much as a single date in my life. If that was not bad enough, I feel pretty sure I have a mild case of gender disphoria. This means I'm not sure if my attraction to members of the opposite sex is due to my discomfort with my own gender of if my lack of a desire for sex stem from me wanting to simply avoid having to face sexual situations altogether.

[center] [/center]

When confronted by my family by my lack of relationships I usually give my canned reply about being too busy with school or other things to bother with the other sex.

I am just really confused about who I am and where I fit in the world. What is meant by sexual attraction? Does my lack of a desire to have sex mean I am asexual, gray a, celibate or just terrified of having to deal with someone of the opposite sex? Or is my attraction a result of my own discomfort with my own sex and lack of identification with that gender?

I know most of you are probably not psychiatrist and even if you were would probably not be able to answer some of these questions without more information. But, if possible, I would like really really appreciate some opinions from anyone who may know more about asexuality than me.

Sorry for the long post and bringing up these awkward and personal problems, but I really would just like a little direction. Forgive the pun on my username, but I feel lost.

[last1standing]

1. You're probably going to have a hard time explaining yourself to those closest to you.

But you've done an incredibly good job explaining it to us.

Maybe you should print your post and leave it for your family to read. I'm not sure of the dynamics but if they love you they should support you.

Regardless, for what little it may mean, I think you're very brave to come out as asexual, even to a semi-anonymous forum and I hope everyone here supports you as much as I do.

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I do know that for many people, myself included, sexuality can morph over time, sometimes even rather often. My sexuality tends to move from one end of the spectrum to the other several times a year. Others may find theirs changes less frequently or not at all. Perhaps you will always be asexual or maybe you will eventually find your sexuality changing. the important thing to remember is that sexual identity is a very small part of the totality of your person.

That said, please do see a psychologist who has experience with asexuality. As it is very possible that few of your friends and family will understand your orientation, a therapist who can help you deal with that can't be a bad thing.

[LostOne4Ever]

7. Thank you for the support!

Though, until I get a better understanding of what is meant by sexual attraction I am not sure if this is coming out or just being really really confused.

And I will definite keep in mind that orientation can change over time.

I probably will try to see my college councilor at some point. Though that is easier said than done.

Thanks again for all the support.

[jollyreaper2112]

2. You need to talk to people

Support groups can be the cheapest shrinks in town.

My first question is this: do you feel comfortable not engaging or do you feel you want to and this is an impediment you want to work around? Like someone could be upset they aren't into girls and there's all this pressure from family to get married and have kids and the truth of the matter is oh, I'm gay! Well, all the pressure is coming from family. Without them, you'd feel no conflict. So curing the gay is the wrong answer.

I don't really have enough information to speculate about your situation and it would be presumptuous. That you are asking questions and thinking seriously are good first steps. I will just ask again whether this is something you have a problem with or something your family has a problem with? Because it does sound like something you want to work through. And not everyone is sexual in the same way. Some couples prefer cuddling to sex, some tear their clothes off on sight. Some might keep it so subtle that many would mistake them for siblings. There's no wrong way to do it except for people with wildly dissimilar needs to get together. A once a week guy and a nympho woman would be pretty incompatible.

[LostOne4Ever]

8. You are probably right

I have been wanting to go see the councilor at my college about my social anxiety for a while now, if for nothing else just to confirm that I have it by a professional. But doing that is easier said than done for me. The very thing I would want to talk to them about makes it hard to go see them in the first place.

Sometimes not engaging bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. If I could get a desk job where I never had to interact with others I would be very happy. But, I also realize that about my only social support is my immediate family and they won't always be there and if I don't get out and meet people one day I very well could be completely alone.

But I do feel like I would like to meet someone to share my life with someday.

My family has not been pushing me. They usually accept my response of focusing on school or say I will find someone when the time is right.

Thank you for the support.

[LuvNewcastle]

3. I would say that the first thing you need to do is

to quit trying to fit yourself into a box. Don't worry about whether you're asexual, heterosexual, bisexual, etc. Many people don't fit into any certain classification, and that's just fine. You're talking to us about this, so it's obvious you need someone to discuss it with on a more personal level. If you think your family would be supportive, it's fine to talk with them about it, but maybe you need to talk about it with someone else first so you'll know how to explain it to your family.

Life's full of possibilities, so try to look at this as your own personal adventure. It's important that you try new things in your life, but it's also important that you be true to yourself. Don't try to make yourself do things you don't want to do just because someone else says you should. Above all, don't worry about it. These things have a way of working themselves out, and the older you get, the more you'll learn about yourself and the world around you.

[LostOne4Ever]

9. Sorry I am bad at labeling myself.

Part of the reason I am asking was that I didn't think I was asexual because I did find myself attracted to the other sex, but had no interest in sex itself. Then I heard about hetero-romantic asexuals and thought that might describe me. But on the AVEN sight it said asexuals had no sexual attraction at all and just got confused.

But you are right. I should just be me and not try to fit myself in a box. Thank you for the supportive

post and the great advise

[uriel1972]

15. There are other forms of attraction than sexual attraction...

Company is an inate human need, it's not suprising you find yourself attracted to others, but not in a sexual way.
Don't box yourself in, the whole gender, sex, attraction thing is pretty confusing and it has a lot of social pressure and expectations and other baggage.
I have gender dysphoria which is the latest way of saying I have the identity of one genetic sex in the body of another. It confused the hell out of me for the last 30 years and it'll take some sorting out.
What I'm trying to say is, I can't know exactly where you're coming from, but I have faced a similar dilemma in my own life. Don't be suprised if it takes a few years and some heavy lifting to get things sorted out (in your favour).

[Rain Mcloud]

4. Congratulations,actually.

You have the courage to admit in an open forum that you feel differently than the majority of people.
If you are young,do not worry,you will become more comfortable as time goes by,it just takes time to arrive.
Being somewhat unique carries a lot of responsibility with which i am not familiar,so i can not address particulars.
The best advice that i could give,would be to make a happy place inside yourself.
Celebrate yourself from time to time and allow yourself room to grow into the you that you will become,and never stop growing.
On a side note,there are more ways to share oneself than just sexually and you have just done that.

Thank You.

[LostOne4Ever]

10. Thank you

Though the fact that it this forum is semi-anonymous forum is probably the only reason I was able to post this in the first place.

I just hit 30 so I would not call myself young, but I am not very old either.

Thank you for the very understanding reply.

[carolinayellowdog]

5. avoidance may be the root issue rather than asexuality

First thing to suggest is that you take all our advice with a grain of salt. But then... I suggest delving into the relationship between the Avoidant Personality issues and the lack of sexual interest. If you were freely able to get close to others in a nonsexual way, but indifferent to sex, it would make a more clear case that asexuality can be separated from more general fear of closeness. But with the info you've given, it seems like "don't get too close to anyone" is the operating principle, and sex is only the most extreme case of closeness to be avoided.

Have you looked into attachment theory at all? The distinctions between secure, ambivalent, avoidant attachments in childhood explain a lot about our ability or lack thereof to be close to others as adults. And knowing the hand you've been dealt in childhood (and working with that information) can help you navigate through adulthood, repairing the damage of early trauma, etc. thus freeing you to make secure adult attachments.

All good wishes for your future ability to form attachments and feel close to others-- whether or not that includes sexual expression. The way you've opened up here is indicative that at some level you want closeness-- as well as fear it. That's a near-universal human dilemma, both wanting and fearing emotional attachments! So you're no different from billions of other confused humans in that regard.

[LostOne4Ever]

11. That is a huge part of the reason for my confusion.

I honestly don't know if my lack of interest is due to my SAS or is asexuality.

I have heard about attachment theory but I have never looked into it. I will definitely read up on attachment theory if that will help. That might help me make sense of things.

Wanting and fearing attachment. That is a great way of describing me, so I guess im not too different afterall. Thanks for the well wishes!

[backscatter712]

6. I am asexual - let me see...

Yes, it is possible to be romantic without being sexual. You can be heteroromantic, homoromantic or biromantic or panromantic. I've just been reading the book Understanding Asexuality by Anthoney F. Bogaert - the way he explains it, humans have two evolved bits of neural wiring - one's the sexual wiring, which has been with us since we became multicellular and developed sexual reproduction, which drives mating behavior. The other is what we'd could call romantic wiring, which is much newer, evolutionarily speaking, exclusive to some mammals, and for us humans, drives pair-bonding.

On the flip side, Glenn Quagmire is an example of a person who's highly sexual, but aromantic... "Quagmire, I have a question... What do you do for a living?" "And I've got a question for you. Why are you still here?"

It sounds like you're a lot like I am - having a romantic attraction to the opposite sex, but not a sexual attraction. That's just the way you're made - roll with it! I'm thinking tracking down some of the LGBT organizations in your area may be helpful - so you can work through your gender stuff, and maybe find people who are open to relationships with asexuals, or queer-platonic relationships.

And one of the big things we asexuals have to fight is the misunderstanding and denial of our sexual orientation - I guess that gives us a lot in common with the rest of the LGBT community, who also have to deal with familiy and friends that not only don't understand, but refuse to understand, and think they know more about your sexuality than you do. Fucking pain is what it is.

And I do highly recommend registering and hanging out in the AVEN forums.

[LostOne4Ever]

12. That helps

The way you describe it does sound like me, though I am still kind of sketchy on what is exactly meant by sexual attraction. I will look into that book right away, maybe it can help me understand better.

I don't think there are any LGBT organizations in my small town but i will look into it. I will probably take your advice and register at AVEN so you may see a repost of this there.

Thank you for helping me clear up some of my questions though. I greatly appreciate it.

[Fearless]

13. Here goes...

I'm not asexual myself, but I do have experience dealing with issues regarding sexual identity and so forth, so I will try to give you my point of view. First, know that I am not a professional and these are my opinions based on my experiences. I may be right and I may be wrong.

Ok...

So, you are you. That is all that matters. There is nothing "wrong" with you at all. You may be asexual and yes it is possible to be asexual but enjoy romance. It is aSEXUAL not anti-social.

Secondly, social anxiety disorder can complicate relationships with people regardless of sexual orientation, and much in the same way (although the specifics vary slightly). It is important to see that social anxiety disorder and asexuality are not linked. You may be one, have the other, or both (or neither I suppose). Not all people who are asexual have social anxiety disorder and vice versa. There are potentially two distinct issues at work here that you may have to deal with. I would advice finding someone you trust to talk to, do some more research on both, and specifically for the potential social anxiety disorder seek out a professional opinion and options moving forward.

Most of all, don't judge yourself based on labels or concern yourself with measuring your self-worth based on others. It doesn't matter if you haven't been on dates, if you are fine with that. If you're not, then you should of course seek to rectify that. (See the part on looking for a professional opinion on social anxiety disorder.)

And you should never feel sorry for asking questions. We are all here to listen, to offer non-professional opinions, and be friendly.

Just know that you are who you are. There is nothing wrong with you. If you seek to improve yourself, you should try. Don't worry about labels, just be true to your heart and things will work out. And don't be down on yourself. You're the one person whose opinion of you you have direct control over. Use it to your advantage.

[stevenleser]

14. The only thing that matters is whether you are happy and feel fulfilled...

... if those two descriptions don't fit, I think a counselor is the way to go. Like others have said, labels don't matter.

Good luck!