I'm not your "gay best friend."

[white_wolf]

This may be a weird thread and maybe DU isn't the best place for it so it isn't I apologize. I'm gay and my friends know it. All of them are fine with it, but I've encountered a weird problem with one of my female friends and I was wondering if anyone else encountered this problem.

She acts like my being gay is the sum of my personality. It seems like every conversation she wants to have with me is like some sitcom stereotype of a women with her "gay best friend." It seems like every conversation with her revolves around the fact that I'm gay and to be frankly honest I find it kind of insulting because I will admit I am kind of effeminate, but I do have a a whole personality outside of that and frankly I kind of resent being reduced to someone's "gay best friend" because I kind of feel like some kind of accessory at this point.

On the other hand my best friend is a girl, but she actually bothered to get to know me and we have a lot in common. I'm her best friend and I happen to be gay, but I'm not her "gay best friend." In short, my sexuality is not my personality and I'm rather offended at people who try to be my friend solely because I'm gay and who don't bother to actually get to know me. Has anyone else encountered this or I'm just completely off-base here.

[JI7]

1. this friend that you have a problem with, did she always know you were gay ?

how long have you been friends with her ?

would you say she is a good close friend or someone who started to see often and would now consider a friend ?

is she trying to use you to show how "accepting" she is or prove something ?

[pnwest]

2. I bet if you had a heart to heart with her,

she would completely get what you're saying. She likely just simply has no clue that she's being insensitive, and if you approached the subject with kindness and sincerity, she'll probably have a big light bulb moment.

[white_wolf]

3. Thanks and I will try that.

I appreciate the advice. I sometimes have a bad habit of jumping to negative conclusions about these sorts of things so I will talk to her.

[pnwest]

4. :)

[Behind the Aegis]

5. It can be quite annoying.

It is as bad as being a "token" in any given group. I experienced it many times. I enjoyed being an advocate, but I didn't like being a token and many people had a hard time seeing the difference. Your situation sounds similar. She may not realize she has reduced you to "gay best friend" and simply think she is "being cool with the gay thing." Sometimes, people overcompensate, usually because they are uncertain where they stand. Guys like us, not the stereotypical manly-men types, sometimes get it worse because we are seen as "stereotypically gay." People don't realize our mannerisms, and the way we act is not determined by our orientation, it, too, is simply a part of who we are.

My advice: let her know how you are feeling, and ask how she is feeling. It may not work out, but it very well could, and it will be much better, either way, than staying in limbo and feeling the way you do.

Good luck!

[Skittles]

6. you want I should kick some overcompensating ass, Behind the Aegis?

you know I'd do that for you my sweet

[Behind the Aegis]

7. LOL! I sure could have used 12 years ago.

I have always found it easier to stand up for others, but when it comes to myself, sometimes I back down...not always, mind ya! LOL!

You have a very Merry, Kick-ass Christmas, Skittles (or a wonderful, wacky Wednesday)!

[Skittles]

8. back at ya babe

[Fortinbras Armstrong]

9. I suspect, and it's no more than a suspicion, that your friend has not completely accepted

That you are gay. I must admit that when my younger brother came out to me as gay, I had a problem accepting it. For several years I could not think of him as "my brother", but rather as "my gay brother". I will say that his being gay was not the major topic of our conversation, so I was at least better than your friend in that.

[Fearless]

10. To me it's a very trivializing phrase.

It boils down everything that I am solely into the gender I love. Who I love is an expression of many of the qualities of who I am, however, so is my occupation, my political beliefs, the activities I partake in outside of work, and so on. We are all extremely complex beings. The pitfall is to try to rank one quality of yourself (or another) against another quality; for instance, saying that being gay is more important than my interest in travel (or the opposite). Neither are more important, each are parts of a whole and you can't rank parts against each other. Each are important in making you and I who we are. If being gay was the end all and be all of characteristics, then I could pick any gay man and fall in love and marry them (since they're all the same). The fact is that we're not, of course, the same. We are multifaceted and the term "gay best friend" or "gay (insert label here)" is, IMHO very trivializing of who I actually am.

[NCLefty]

11. She may just be trying to let you know that she's TOTALLY OK with you being gay.

And doesn't realize that it's starting to feel a little icky on your part. She may have her own insecurities so she's overcompensating by trying to "help" you not have one about being gay.

Hard to say. If you like her a lot, just ask her if you can be her "best friend" and not her "gay best friend." Explain it. I think she'll understand, or at least try to modify a bit to make you less uncomfortable about it.

Good luck