Any advice on helping an elderlyt aunt quit smoking?

[grasswire]

She's 92.

She has been smoking for 75 years. She has no health effects from the habit. None.

She does not smoke in bed, only sitting in her chair by the TV. There have been no incidents.

The care facility (she has a cottage apartment there) suggests that she quit. My sister decided that auntie will quit cold turkey, with a patch.

It has been a week, and so far she has borrowed several packs from neighbors and planning to go to the store to buy some for herself.

If quitting is hell for younger people, it must be hell for someone with this history.

Any hints on how to help her get through this? She's chafing under the restrictions.

[KelleyD]

1. Have her try E-cig while still smoking and if it does'nt work...F 'em. Worked for me...1 1/2 years!

[Auggie]

2. Honestly???

At 92, and as long as it's not bothering anyone else or creating a hazard, I say let her smoke.

[evlbstrd]

3. At this point, why bother? nt

[elleng]

4. Given the circumstances,

I think the care facility and your sister are wrong. Do what you can to change their 'minds,' and leave your aunt in peace for the rest of her life.

I hope her safety is not jeopardized by going to the store.

Best to her (and you.)

[grasswire]

7. thank you for validation

...and the others who also posted.

This is the tip of the iceberg of a larger issue, which is that my sister has power of attorney over auntie and is (I know) abusing that duty. Sister is a controlling teabagger authoritarian. She has secret meetings with facility staff and does not explain results to auntie, just springs these surprise restrictions on her. She does not authorize expenditures that need to be made for auntie, such as a 4-wheel walker, rug cleaning and maintenance, etc. Auntie has plenty of money, having inherited from her brother. Sister has her children as co-owners of the investment accounts.

It's an abusive situation that I have recently realized is significant. Some gaslighting going on, and removing items from the apartment, etc. (Aunt's husband's WW2 medals, heirloom handmade toys, etc.)

I am doing what I can to smooth things for auntie.

But this week the smoking issue is pathetic. She had all her butts laid on the counter today trying to figure out how she could get a puff. And getting a bit cantankerous about it!

She can easily go to the store on the facility bus. No problem there. My sister removed her checks, but auntie still has a credit card in her wallet (as far as she knows).

[elehhhhna]

11. time for auntie to sign POA over to you.

maybe? Or jointly?

[grasswire]

24. this would cause a firestorm of epic proportions

The screaming from my sister could probably be heard coast to coast. She would no doubt try to turn other family members against me, and might even get some legal intervention.

In that case, I could request that a conservator be appointed by a judge. That might not help auntie be independent, but would stop the apparent abuse.

[elleng]

12. You're welcome. Hope we can provide some 'peace' for you.

As to PoA, its an awful situation.

[rwheeler31]

14. You may want to contact a patient advocate, social worker, or even legal aid if you suspect abuse.

These are very touchy situations, if she is capable let her know you will help her keep as much independence as possible.

[drray23]

15. get her to revoke poa

She can revoke the power of attorney and have a new one drawn in your name. Get your family lawyer in the room with you and her so he can witness it and draw new ones.

Unfortunately abuse of elderly people by greedy family members is really common.

[grasswire]

25. yes, I have read up on the details of getting POA revoked. It's easy.

The family ramifications might be bitter, though. Maybe I will get a consultation with an elder law atty.

[rwheeler31]

5. She is 92 please let her decide what she wants to do.

I am a big proponent of quitting, I have done it myself, but if she is doing ok and no danger to others why make her unhappy at her age.

[polly7]

6. Sometimes I wonder if it's almost cruel (not meaning you personally)

to force a very elderly person to quit. I've worked in nursing homes, and smoking, believe it or not, was one of the only 'joys' many of them had. We would keep their cigarettes locked up in the nursing station and when they came for one would give it out and have an aide make sure they were safely and comfortably outside - in the winter, bundled up warm and occasionally checked on to make sure they were alright. It seems to work fine for them, and some eventually even slowed their smoking down to very few a day.

Good luck with your auntie though, you surely know more about her situation and needs than anyone else .... I hope she does well, whatever happens.

[grasswire]

8. I agree.

I would not make her quit under these punitive-feeling circumstances. It is cruel.

[Kalidurga]

9. I hate cigarettes

I hate people who try to control cigarette smokers more. Especially in a situation like this. I hope you can get your sister off your aunt's case. She is a jerk (I have other words however (&()E*^*$%&*$ is not allowed here). Get her some E cigs some patches and a carton of cigarettes and a different niece and I think she will do just fine.

[elehhhhna]

10. Get her a good ecig (2, so she always has one charged)

Smoketip is a good brand online, imo

[TheDebbieDee]

13. HYPNOSIS! It's the quickest, cheapest way to quit smoking.

Google for hypnosis and smoking cessation to find out when the next hypnotist comes to your area....

[Laughing Mirror]

32. Hypnosis to become a nonsmoker

Hypnosis for smoking works only when you yourself want to quit. It won't work if somebody else wants you to quit.

Does this lady herself want to quit?

You have to want to quit yourself, or else you won't follow along with the hypnotist's instructions to change you from a smoker into a nonsmoker.

[Vincardog]

34. Exactly why TRY hypnosis if she doesn't want to quit? I say this as

a Hypnotherapist.
If she wants to quit hypnosis is a great way to do it painlessly.
If she doesn't want to quit nothing will work.
Why put her thru it?

[SheilaT]

16. While I am about as strongly anti-smoking as a person can be

and not be constantly foaming at the mouth about it, , I think your 92 year old aunt is in a different category. Since apparently they allow smoking at her facility, I don't see anything wrong here if she still wants to smoke. If she actually wants to stop, you've already been given some good suggestions.

I wonder if there's any chance you can get the POA turned over to you.

If I were in your shoes I'd be inclined to bring her cigarettes so she can smoke as she wants.

[Mnemosyne]

17. @92 everyone should mind their own damn business if she has her own mind. nt

[Brainstormy]

18. Please, please, please

set her up and let her try e-cigs. NO smell, except rather pleasant ones. My daughter's favorite is chocolate and mint and a little cloud of girl scout cookies seems to follow her, but other than that, there's not half the smell of perfume, air freshener, any of that. (Despite what those who just want to hate on smokers say. ) I quit, eventually, after smoking for almost forty years, but transitioned to that quit by vaping. Within one week I had stopped coughing completely, had crazy boundless energy, slept better, never looked back. The gases, the burning, the additives in commercial cigarettes were killing me. I still take a hit now and then. From e-cigs. Especially if I'm drinking wine or nervous or excited about something. I'm probably still a bit nicotine-addicted. But I'm NOT a smoker. The difference is incredible .

[planetc]

19. At 92, with her wits about her, let her smoke

Visit her, enjoy her, let her smoke, and mention that you would be glad to take over POA duties. Why, by the way, is this aunt making decisions for her if she can still make them for herself? I have my mom's POA, but she still makes the decisions about how to spend *her* money, as she is perfectly capable of doing so. I'll only use the POA when she can no longer make a sound decision. At 96, she is quite capable. I would definitely look into the matter if I were you.

[grasswire]

22. yeah, I'm worrying that sister will at any moment try to get her declared incompetent.

...and then there would be no hope of loosening control.

Sister would be a shrieking maniac if I try to get POA changed. It's hard to know how to proceed, but I feel a duty to auntie to support her independence. She's my mom's little sister, and my mom would protect her.

Maybe I'll print this thread out for moral support. Heh.

Thanks.

[enough]

20. For heaven's sake, she's not capable of running her own life? (nt)

[grasswire]

23. She's being gaslighted, and controlled.

I am pushing back against that.

[applegrove]

21. I used Champix/Chantix. It worked. There is no point of cheating because

you don't get the nicotine kick while you are taking the drug. Then I smoked herbal cigarettes after I went off the pill. A few times a day. For a few months. The herbal smokes are just awful. I was so disgusted it was a relief to say no more herbal smokes. In following this plan I inadvertedly trained the nicotine receptors in my brain to be disgusted with the whole idea of smoking. Been 6 years and I do not crave or envy anyone who is smoking. I'm done. I rarely think of it. And never longingly.

[Cleita]

26. Leave her alone.

If she made it to her age as a smoker, now is not the time to annoy an old lady with changing her habits. I say this as an ex-smoker.

[babylonsister]

27. My advice? Let her smoke.

She enjoys it-why take away joy from a woman who is 92?

[grasswire]

28. I agree

It is my sister who is forcing this. I'm looking for a way to ease things.

Auntie started smoking during WW2. She met a young handsome GI at the roller rink. They had two dates, and then he was shipped out to fight the Nazis in Europe and in Africa. She started smoking because he did, and when she lit a cigarette, she thought he might be going the same thing at the same moment.

He sent her an engagement ring from a hospital in England. Four years after he left, he came home and they were married. But while he was away, cigs were her link to him wherever he might be.

He's been gone for about 15 years now.

[babylonsister]

31. Show your sister this thread, and tell her to lighten up.

And thanks for the background.

[riverwalker]

29. buy her a carton

of her brand and a big ashtray. She is 92 years old. Quitting now will only cause her severe anxiety and stress, what is the point? Hell, buy her a couple of cartons.

[grasswire]

30. my cousin did that over the weekend

He bought her a pack. My sister found out and had a hissy fit and confiscated them. I appreciate your comments about the stress for her. When I was there today, she was definitely suffering.

[Vincardog]

35. Confiscated them? Isn't that stealing? By what authority did Sis do this?

Call a meeting with the Facility staff, your 92 yo Aunt and an elder advocate. Make it clear what authority Dear SIS has and what she has no business doing. Then if Sis insists on overstepping her role
Have the POA changed ASAP if that is your Aunt's wish.

Better your sister save a shit fit than your aunt has to live under tyranny.

[grasswire]

36. good points, thanks

I guess we have all been cowering under the grim glares of Sis.

The facility will not meet with me. Sis has POA, and they will only talk to her.

Today I put out queries for referral to a lawyer who could handle POA revocation p, and I talked to my state representative (a friend) who says office staff will file a complai against POA if I can't get help for auntie.

Scary, but I have to do it.

[Vincardog]

37. All we have to fear is FEAR ITSELF (and perhaps the wrath of Sis) Good Luck

[cbayer]

33. If she does not want to quit, I don't think there is anything you can do.

I quit 2 months ago after 45 years, but I was highly motivated.

What is the point here? She's 92 and healthy and there is no evidence that she is placing herself or others at risk.

My vote is to let her be.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

38. Let me tell you about my great-grandfather

He was a great old guy, always had a smile or a slightly off-color joke. As kids, he'd always have a gift for us or a treat to eat when we visited. He was born in 1890 and fought in WW1 against the "fuckin Krauts" as he called them. He lived through the Great Depression by doing manual labor in fields or or by working in mines. He suffered a severe leg injury in WW1, and aggravated the injury multiple times over the years while working some of the worst jobs imaginable. His first wife died, and his second stepped out on him, leaving him with the job of supporting and raising the kids. Even with all that, he was still perpetually cheerful.

But my Papa Spence, as we called him, had a bad habit. He smoked. He also had a shot of vodka for breakfast. And one of his lamps was shaped like a naked lady. Not to mention the cussing; it was sometimes non-stop with him. And my family is Mormon - hardcore Mormon - and they hated his "bad" habits. I remember his 95th birthday party, which was sort of a birthday celebration/family reunion. By that time, his descendants numbered in the hundreds, so the party was a big occasion. And, since the family was in charge of it, the party was held at a Mormon ward building (and like all good Mormon parties, was entirely pot-luck; one of my cousins brought funeral potatoes as a joke). Spence spent the entire party out in the parking lot chain-smoking cigarettes and laughing and telling stories with a bunch of the grand-kids and great grand-kids.

A couple of months after his 95th birthday party, his leg started acting up. It had always caused him a lot of pain, but at his age, it was entirely debilitating. He could no longer drive his car, but more importantly, he couldn't walk to the store to get his smokes and vodka. And the family refused to buy them for him. Other than his leg, his health was great for a 95 year old, but having no nicotine was too much for him. It threw him into a bad depression, and that combined with his loss of independence eventually killed him. He went down hill rapidly and died about the time of his 96th birthday. I was only in my early teens, but I can still remember some of the bitter arguments amongst the family members about what to do. But no one, and I mean NO ONE, suggested that we just give him back his smokes and vodka. Instead, they put him in a nursing home and let him die, many not bothering to even visit.

There's no reason at your aunt's age for her to stop smoking. The anxiety of that is more likely to kill her than the cigarettes. If there's anything you can do to stop your sister, do it. Don't leave yourself with any regrets.

[grasswire]

39. what an interesting story, thanks

I got my first taste of sister's reaction to being challenged last night. She accused me of "interfering" and wigged out on the phone. "I'll holler if I want to!!" she yelled at me. I hung up on her.

This was the scenario: I visited auntie in the afternoon. She had actually gone to the store in the morning to get her few things (including three packs of Camels that she owed her neighbor by then). The driver came to hurry her along before she got her Lean Cuisine dinners on her list. That's what she has for supper.

So when I saw that she had no more dinners, we decided that she would make herself a chicken sandwich for supper and I would bring some dinners the next day, today. All's well.

So late in the evening sister calls me and asks me if I went to visit Auntie. Of course. And then the tirade started. I'm interfering in Auntie's care. Keep in mind that sister lives on the other side of the metro area and generally only visits once a week for lunch. I live within walking distance of auntie and am available for anything she needs.

And auntie smoked some of the cigs she bought to repay her neighbor. LOL.

I'm very sorry about your great-grandfather. If your family had been catholic instead of mormon, those vices probably would have been indulged. Eh?

[LeftishBrit]

40. Just to clarify...

is this for her own health, or is the care home insisting that she quit because of possible risks to others?

Because if it's for her own health, I'd say that there is little point in her quitting at this stage unless it really is her wish to do so. There is one thing that one can guarantee will never happen to her, whether she smokes or not: she is not going to die young! And at her age, the stress of giving up a lifelong addiction might be just as dangerous to her health as the smoking.

[grasswire]

41. I agree with your conclusion.

She lives alone in a cottage at the retirement center -- there are many seniors thus, and they have services available for assisted living as needed. She has needed nothing but a little housekeeping help. If she were to become frail or suffer dementia, she would be moved into that level of care, in the health center. Her older sister IS in the health center.

At that point, she would not be able to smoke; shared space.

My sister, who has POA, insists that auntie stop smoking cold turkey right now.

It is cruel, as you have seen me describe. And yesterday when I saw her she looked sort of shaken up by the stress although she said she had less craving for the physical aspect of picking up the cigarette, lighting it, etc. It is possible that she will quit, but as you say, at what cost?

Very sad.