Why Your Detox Is Bullsh*t

[progressoid]

Don't go on a juice cleanse. And please don't do a colon cleanse

Green Juice Will Not Purify You

Who doesn't want to think that a delightful mixture of kale, twigs, tree sap, unicorn tears, and whatever Gwyneth Paltrow is raving about this week can make you pretty? It's glitter in a bottle. Right? Wrong. For one, most green juices are just sugar water. Suja Juice's Green Supreme has 42 grams of sugar, no iron or B vitamins, and minimal protein. At $6.99 to $8.99 per bottle, you're getting …. juice. Similarly, BlueprintCleanse, Juice From The Raw, and JUS by Julie are not magic keys to weight loss and well-being. All are cold-pressed, organic, and sell at astronomically high prices with vague promises of making you less gross.

...

Cleansing Your Butt Won't Work Either

Some people like to detox through their mouths. Others prefer to do it though their butts. But let me be abundantly clear: You do not need to shove a hose up your ass or otherwise shit your brains out to detox. Why? Your liver and kidneys do a great job of detoxing your body every day.

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Master Your Alkalinity? Not So Much

So you've cleansed toxins out of your system with juice and plumbing, but perhaps that wasn't enough. It's time to specialize! Let's look at two very different cleanses, from the cleanse that started it all, the Master Cleanse, and the trendy new Alkaline Cleanse. They both promise to ... detox you. Somehow.

The Master Cleanse alleges to "purify the glands and cells" and "relieve pressure and irritation in the nerves." And of course, it will make you lose weight by revving your metabolism and detoxing you. Originally propositioned by a naturopath who thought that all disease was caused by toxic build-up that could be only be healed via detoxing, it's remained popular for decades. It's common to mix the vile concoction of lemon water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper at home, but it's become such a well-known cleanse that some brands offers a pre-bottled version of it (for $6.99, naturally).

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/a51634/why-your-detox-is-bullsht/

[TreasonousBastard]

1. Lemon, maple syrup and cayenne is vile? Sounds like it could be pretty good, but...

it ain't gonna make you any healthier.

Being diabetic, I have to be careful with fruit juice, but there's no way I'd ever pay that kind of money for something I could buy off the next shelf for a lot less.

Or squeeze myself.

[underpants]

2. I did it for 10 days about 9 years ago

My wife was certain that I would be passing out behind the wheel but in fact I was bouncing off the walls. Some sort of chemical release thing happens.

My tongue, eyes, and complexion were remarkably clear. People asked if there was something wrong with me.

I'd never do it again but it was interesting. Yes you can make it taste pretty good with some experimentation. I went with chocolate flavor for the nightly laxative tea.

[CrispyQ]

3. I know a woman who used to get colonics on a regular basis.

Then one time it tore a little hole in her gut somewhere & she spent months fully recovering from that.

[packman]

4. Times have changed - still selling snake oil though

[safeinOhio]

5. Peer reviewed medical journals

are your friend.

[whatthehey]

6. But the pads under my feet turned brown from leaching out all those nasty toxins!

What else could that possibly be?'

Oh, a pigment that turns brown in the presence of moisture? Oh dear. Ok.

Pretty much verbatim my interlocutor's statements when we were discussing Kinoki foot pads....

[Warpy]

7. The one that makes me laugh the hardest is "master your alkalinity."

All the systems working together to maintain your blood pH, the mass of enzymes, hormones, and other stuff they produce to control every aspect of it, and how fast people decompensate when they get close to the outer edge of the range ensure that acid-base balance is not something any human being can monkey around with because doing so will kill us quickly and efficiently.

So if you like kale pureed in a blender, be my guest. I'll pass. If you're constipated, take a laxative. If you've got cancer, go to an oncologist.

[mackerel]

8. Green Juice is Delish!