I want to go.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

I have spent day after day alone.
The future looks so scary to me. I feel so powerless
Everybody has someone they can be with,talk to,share the journey. I dont anymore. Im just here waiting for nothing.
Breathing cleaning my apartment. For no reason.

Chance and accidents have left me empty. I have nowhere to go. No reason to go. The loneliness is slowly killing me. I tell myself it will get better and it feels like I'm lying to myself.

Life tortures life.

I am old. I am alone most days almost all of them.
I wish I was in another place,where I could escape,go somwhere different,make new friends.

Its all out of reach.
Nobody socializes in this town this complex. I reach out but no freindship occurs.

I need someone to hold me and tell me its all worthwhile.

[PortTack]

1. I'm sorry for your pain and loneliness

[Eko]

2. Every day you are here is worthwhile to me.

Hugs to you, and if you want to hug back by all means.
Eko.

[vercetti2021]

3. No

You got us. Me another trans person. You'll never be alone trust me

[I_UndergroundPanther]

6. Thanks

Sometimes the gender stuff gets overwhelming.

Yeah I have a goatee had top surgery done.

And all I need when I feel like this and try to get help is some magat cop to tear me down and humiliate me just because they can.

I dunno if I can bear the future if these fascists get control.

Thanks for your sweet words.

[vercetti2021]

7. We fight

We kick their asses. We arent gonna die. I'll carry you if I gotta

[Eko]

8. Ill help!

[vercetti2021]

10. Yes

More the merrier

[Eko]

11. With both the kicking fascist asses and the carrying.

I have an employee that is trans and I am slowly starting to understand what she has and is going through. It both breaks my heart and makes me immensely proud of her, but it shouldn't have to be like that at all. Not at all.

[vercetti2021]

13. Of course not

I deal with shit. But I scare alot of them with my anger and fearlessness. Make these prices scared again

[I_UndergroundPanther]

17. If I was free to transition I would have

Had the internal and external sex markers removed before I was 13.
I knew what I was just no words for it that I knew of in the 70's. I got bullied from 1st grade all the way to highschool.
Every transperson knows what they are its that other people get in the way of them finding comfort in thier own skin.

Fucking republicans want not only to deprive us of bodily autonomy they want us to never feel comfortable or safe in our bodies.

[Eko]

24. I no good with words.

I find myself sticking my foot in my mouth and worrying about what I say when it comes to this subject quite often just from not having much experience with it. I'm also a bit old and find I have to learn that a lot of things that I used to think or say are incorrect, even what I thought were innocuous things. I'm glad that my employee has been supportive of me learning about this and has helped me so much, I hope that I can help them even half as much to grow as she has me. Talking about this with you has reminded me that its been a bit since I showed enough support to her and it is past due. I will rectify that tomorrow.
Thanks, and if I do stick my foot in my mouth feel free to let me know.
Eko.

P.S.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

26. Ok Eko

Feel free to ask me anything you want to know if you feel like you said something off,or are trying to understand or are just curious ok. I wont get upset Because your heart is in the right place.

[Eko]

27. Appreciate that, but you just

Keep on keeponing. Anytime you feel lonely feel free to email me. It might take me a bit to get back to you but I will.
Eko.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

28. Thank you.

[JudyM]

4. I_UndergroundPanther, my heart is with you. Please be gentle with yourself.

Please consider calling this number, they know more about how to get through this kind of struggle: 1-800-273-TALK

Folks here care about you, we’re real even if we’re “just” online.

Shifting perspective can be so hard but it’s so worth it. Try doing a search for whatever you’re feeling on the Insight Timer app… authentic, supportive talks and interest groups.

Wishing you strength and self-compassion...

[I_UndergroundPanther]

19. If it gets dangerous I promise to call.

[sprinkleeninow]

5. Please don't want to go! I love you! This has brought tears to my eyes. It's okay 'tho.

My life has been turned upside down from 2019, but I'm holding on. It has not been easy especially the past years due to the non-human freak and those alike who seek to control a great portion of our lives, increasingly making worse personal trials and just plain everyday living.

Some days I got so downtrodden, disheartened, I didn't know if I could continue in this manner.

Please know that you are loved by me and others on this gathering place. And you have your sweet boy Othello as comfort and who depends on you!

I send you safety, health and peace. From my heart to yours. 💛

[I_UndergroundPanther]

9. I cant abandon Othello. You are right.

He has nobody.he's just a sweet cat. He couldn't make it as a feral and of I let him go it might break his perfect heart.. He is too sweet too good he deserves a good home. No,I cant leave,because of him. You are right.

[SheltieLover]

12. Othello needs you!

[I_UndergroundPanther]

14. Yeah and I need him too.

He's sleeping on my bed right now curled up in a perfect circle a planet unto himself. I wish so bad I was like him.

[SheltieLover]

15. Yes, you do!

So glad you realize it.

He is a very cool creature & you are anamazing person!

[sprinkleeninow]

18. 💛

[mopinko]

16. we're here sweetie.

it's getting to most of us. i'm finding my online friendships so much less satisfying these days.
if i didnt have 2 big dogs to keep me warm at night, i just dont know what.
my closest relationships exploded in jan 2020, and i'm as alone as i have ever been.

the only good thing in my life these days is my voice lessons. my teacher is the hubs of a dear old friend, and our weekly ft lessons have kept me from going completely mad.
he's become a good friend, but i only have him cuz i was able to pay him. these days i have to nag him to send me a bill, but at base it's still mostly business.

i lost my volunteer job due to the plague, and i miss that a ton, too.
maybe there's a volunteer thing you can do? an animal shelter, or?

hang in there, sweetie.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

20. My relationships fell apart

After the house I lived in had to be sold. I was homeless and was on a psych unit for almost a year. Than I stayed in a motel 6 than I was put in a psych residential apartment and those fucking staff were abusive as shit.

Now I got out of that hellhole and live in a hud apartment by myself.

But while I was in that place everyone could not find me. My freind ian found me but he rarely calls or comes over.
He is busy.

Im not sure he even wants our friendship.

So..I have spent since I moved here I think 4 years ago mostly alone.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

22. Glad to see you are still here Mo.

🐆

[I_UndergroundPanther]

25. My problem is I cant drive

And because of that I am pretty isolated. The bus takes 2 hours to go back to the same stop . I have trouble physically standing that long because of old injuries.
So I will sit in a wet road a snowy road waiting.

Most bus stops are just a sign on the median strip of a road.

My anxiety goes nuts at these stops. Scared the bus wont come back.
Because a few times it didnt. and I had no way home. And if the bus comes early you have 4 hours to wait. Bus stops running abruptly at 6.

Wish it was 24 hours it would give me the comfort that if I wait long enough a bus will come.

Everyone here has cars and walking on the road can be scary .

This town likes to pretend poor people don't exist. Or have any right to go anywhere.

[BlackSkimmer]

30. Most counties have a bus system for those with no transportation.

They’ll take you to the doctor, shopping, senior center…anywhere actually.

Check into see if your county has one of those. I don’t mean the regular route city buses.

You usually just have to register with them.

[Ziggysmom]

31. Hi I_UndergroundPanther. I feel very powerless and alone lately, too. Though I can drive

and still work full time in a job I enjoy, life has become hell some days. I'm the caregiver for my husband with severe COPD. On Christmas his CO2 spiked and he had many long seizures which have caused brain damage. Now on top of physical care, he has dementia. He gets confused and sometimes very nasty. I know it's not his fault, but words do hurt!

I cry myself to sleep many nights after I help him to bed. I'm not alone but I'm so lonely I could scream. Old friends don't bother with us anymore since we can't travel and play sports or go out like we used to. We must keep on fighting, it is worthwhile. You have sweet Othello and I have Stanley & Sophia; we must keep up the fight for their sake.

Regarding you having issues taking the bus, I've found in dealing with disability programs for the hub, that ADA requires public transit agencies that provide fixed-route service to provide complementary paratransit service to people with disabilities who cannot use the regular services because of their disability. It does require a doctor to sign an application, but was not difficult. I would imagine there must be something like that where you live? I'm in a red Wisconsin city
that sucks politically, but we stay for the availability of good health care & services.

Take care of yourself and Othello Many people here care about you!

https://www.nadtc.org/about/transportation-aging-disability/ada-and-paratransit/

[live love laugh]

21. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[shenmue]

29. Stay