husband has *finally* agreed to marriage counseling

[fizzgig]

the black hole of his untreated depression engulfed the house for nearly a week and i think we're mostly on the other side of it.

he won't go on his own, but there is shit that needs worked out between us. like how he yelled at me and called me lazy and an addict. i smoke a bowl, maybe two, after work and it smooths out the edges the meds miss. he also decided he hated his job and just stopped showing up. not sure how we're going to make rent this month, especially since we're still recovering from his unemployment late last year and are still behind on all the bills. but it's lit a fire under my ass to get the taxes done.

he wants to quit cigs, pot, alcohol and coffee. i agreed to quit smoking cigs with him, something that needed done anyway, not having alcohol in the house is no big deal, but he'll pry my coffee out of my cold, dead hands. doc knows i smoke pot and doesn't bust on me for it, i just don't want to be any more medicated than i already am. i feel like i'm already medicated to the point of numbness in some ways. husband suggested trying to wean off my meds and i told him to stick it, that isn't even an option.

i have bent over backwards for him for years and i'm glad he's finally willing to put some effort into this relationship. i will be pissed, though, if he doesn't clean the kitchen today while i'm at work.

i'm also hoping his mood will continue to improve with spring on the way. i know it's doing wonders for me.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I am glad to hear you'll both go for counseling, my dear fizzgig...

It can really help.

Best of luck for you both!

[elleng]

2. Excellent, fizz.

That's great.

My husb, now deceased, long time estranged, and then separated, refused family counseling. I'm afraid the family, that is, largely, our older daughter, with younger daughter and I, are feeling the effects of it now, that there's a grandbaby and another expected.

[mopinko]

3. good luck honey

wear your raincoat and your high boots. be ready for the shit storm.

[mopinko]

4. just want to say that he should have his own, too.

if the sessions dont go well, i would press him to go himself, and figure out what he wants.

i know it rarely helps to get shoved into therapy, but….


dh is finally in therapy. i hope it helps. he doesn't believe that i really do want him to do his own thing. he just feels like he needs me to do his thing with him. i try, but it is never right.

anyway. good luck

[fizzgig]

5. i've been on him for years to go

and he flat out refuses, saying he doesn't want to give money to a stranger just to listen to him talk. part of me wonders if us going together is going to make a difference because he's going into it with the attitude it won't work, but we're going to try. an old neighbor of my family is still practicing and she's in network, so i'm thinking about starting with her to address the stranger issue. this, of course, is dependent upon how she'd bill it. we have full mental health coverage, but no coverage for this type of counseling. if that becomes an issue, the university offers counseling services through the psych department.

i'm also making a neuro appointment for him. he went face first into the back of a parked car while riding his bike when we first met and never had it checked out. he thinks that might also be related to the changes in mood and behavior over the years.

i'm getting my waders ready just in case it turns ugly, though.

[mopinko]

6. i'm jaded

it was awful for me

[fizzgig]

7. i'm trying to be positive

but every one of the family session we had when i was a kid turned out horribly. the best was the guy who told me it was my fault my sister was sneaking out of the house and doing drugs. parents didn't say anything, just sat there.

[mopinko]

8. yeah, it's one thing to have a nitwit

for a personal therapist, but when you are going to invite people in to throw the dirty laundry around, you gotta be good.
i wonder if there is some sort of adverse selection going on sometimes.

[De Leonist]

9. Admitting to weakness...

Your story reminds me of how rarely we men will ever actually admit to weakness or deficiency of any kind. I'll admit I don't know your husband but this sounds like what it is to me. It's funny, male behavior nowadays can include sometimes acting vulnerable or emotional. But to actually be vulnerable or emotional, heaven forbid. Anyway I hope your husband works out his issues and your relationship gets better.

[fizzgig]

10. thank you

part of it is that male thing, but part of it was the family dynamic of his childhood. we talked about shit in my family, but his won't say shit with a mouthful. he's opened up a lot in the last few days and we've had some productive conversations, so i'm feeling some hope. we're actually working together on this.

[a la izquierda]

11. I'm the opposite of you.

I'm in counseling myself and don't want marriage counseling. I know it's over, no point in forcing the issue.

I'm sorry you're having problems. Believe me, I know how sucky they are.

[defacto7]

12. From a different perspective,

after having some personal counseling for some time, my wife for the first time agreed to join me. It's been hard for her to see the need. We have some problematic communication issues with my having low level autism and PTSD. She has always thought it was my business I guess and had no desire to spend the money. This evening after a bit of a tiff, she brought up the subject herself. I am definitively going to follow up on it and I hope she means business. It sometimes seems that after sleeping it off everything goes back to the previous state, I hope not. Wish us luck. We are both serious in our own ways.

[No Vested Interest]

13. For a start - coffee.

Brands that are lighter on caffeine are available in some of the major brands; they seem fine to me re taste. Sort of 50/50 regular & decaffeinated. Or, of course, you could mix your own 50/50, but some people are psychologically affected by the words "decaf" and wouldn't like it.
Best of luck with all your efforts.

[hunter]

14. Want some advice?

Sometimes the first counselor you see is not the right one.

Good luck!