Messy stuff.
I'm in a place where I don't entirely trust my decisions. A little bit has leaked here onto DU. I say what I think and then later feel the need to claw it back, or at least apologize, but it's a bit worse in my "real" life.
The wretched thing is my body armor seems fully intact so I feel a disconnected.
Onwards, damn the bullets! Then later I trip over the self-doubt or the recognition that I've hurt someone. My dream life is haunted. I don't sleep well.
Yes, I know this is normal human stuff, but the "invisible life" is always calling me. Quit my meds, wander away and vanish into the invisible dumpster-diving darkness.
Our U.S.A. culture seems much harsher now in some ways. I'm pretty sure I'd never have been readmitted to university (twice!) in today's world, I wouldn't have taught science in public schools, I wouldn't have met my wife, wouldn't have children.
I also might have missed out on my experiences as a furniture mover, loading and unloading trucks in warehouses, or living in a car in a church parking lot, and a few edge-of-life extremes.
Sigh. Feelings like this, I muddle through.
On the other hand, if I hadn't experienced dark times, then I'd be someone else, and I'm not sure I'd have liked that person.
= new reply since forum marked as read
and i sometimes feel that call of throwing it all out and "vanishing." things do seem harsher now, less forgiving, less supportive.
but, as you said, we'd be someone else had we not experienced our own darknesses and that person may not be any better than who we are.
peace and low stress, friend 
