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(12,344 posts)
Wed Feb 19, 2020, 11:20 AM Feb 2020

Yesterday was awful

Like usual I went to my program yesterday. It's a PRP.

There is a client there that is a toxic
Narcissist with lack of any empathy.He lies, brags and basically tries to suck all the air out of the room. He is a vindictive abusive piece of shit.

The staff ,I dunno if they're lacking education or expertise.. but they let this monster of an asshole abuse people he targets.

Yesterday he targeted me.He targets me alot because he sensed correctly I have a trauma history.

Another time he attacked me when he showed up was more subtle than yesterday but no less cruel to me. He kept talking about puke after I had a panic attack because I was scared when someone said they were sick and gagged a few times I was freaking out because I was trapped in the van. I have emetophobia. He does this kind of shit everytime he shows up. There is an obvious pattern in his behavior.

Back to what happened yesterday..
I was riding home on the van after program. I was in the the first big seat he was in the back seat.
Usually he's a really loud talker.

He was talking in the van and no one had interest in what he was saying apparently. Then he shut up. I was still talking to the other clients on the van not even thinking of him.Suddenly out of the blue he attacked me verbally,(I'm transgender/ they)

He called me It, I have been called It since 6th grade which was part of the torture chamber called school. It hurts me. He was claiming everyone at program calls me an It. He said alot of abusive shit .Doing deliberate provocation.

He was very cruel kept saying cruel shit at me.. I told him to shut up and he was verbal abusing me. As he hurled all this crap at me even more. I got triggered because I have been through a shitloads of abuse growing up . I was trying to stop the trigger he kept it going so I had enough and I called him a narcissitic piece of shit and that he is an asshole and to shut the fuck up once more.

He claimed I didn't know what a narcissist was.

I said yes I do, just by observing your stunning lack of empathy your verbal abuse and outright cruelty proves you're a narcissist.

By that time the van driver cranked the music.

He backed down for like 5 minutes.
Than he started the shit out of his mouth again.

I told him to shut up and to stop it.
He was deliberately using a lie that
I was interupting him as an excuse to attack me ,and he was seeking out my triggers on purpose.

He kept needling me all the way home. He was deliberately provoking me.

I don't want to leave the program. It helps me most the staff are decent. But if they don't rein this asshole in I will have to go. I can't take that shit it makes my illness worse.

But staff does not give him any real consequences for his behavior. I wish they'd kick his ass out. Program was good before he showed up. The pattern of abuse is glaringly obvious to me.

I would be beyond happy if he was kicked out of program forever.

I know some other people would be happy to see him go because they get his shit too. And some people that needed help have stopped going to program because of him.

He has the same case manager as I do,and he is not there for me.
I suspect my counselor wants to excuse his shit I think it's because of his beliefs to forgive. I have been trying to change counselors for like 2-3 years.

He told me on the phone when I called him because my coping mechanisms were not working yesterday,he implied he would not judge his behavior and implied I should forgive him after that? No I'm not ready to forgive that butthole. This is what I thought to myself as he appeared to tell me to tolerate his shit.

My counselor when he was director tried to slip religion into groups he has run. I called him out on it. I asked him in the group why does a psych program who gets funds from the state endorsing specifically christian beliefs? I am not christian and there are other non christians here they shouldn't have staff teaching religion when we are here to learn and help our illnesses,right?

Now the program does not insert religion in groups and Gary got demoted. Gary is a willfully ignorant fool IMHO. He too has a pattern of willful ignorance.

One of my freinds also left program because of this narcissist verbal abuse.He tore into her when I was out a rare time because I had gone to Virginia because my mom died last month. He targeted her because I was not there. Most clients don't stand up against him.

My friend she needs the program she gets really stressed out and goes to me for help.
There has been rapid turnover of clients because of him. I worry about the people who never show up anymore. I hope they're ok.

This asshole shows up the exact minimum days to stay in the program. But Everytime he shows up there is something abusive he does to someone. I go every Tuesday and Thursday like clockwork because program helps me handle my illness. It's helpful when he is not there. I never know when he comes in.

This creep lives in my apartment building too. He has only been here about a month .He has not been around when I go for my walks thankfully.

If he dares approach me and abuse me verbally like that outside of program, I will walk away first. If he follows me or threatens me I'll warn my landlord of his abusive behaviors.
If he hits me first he will wish he was dead.

What do I do in this situation?
Sorry about the wall of text.

10 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Yesterday was awful (Original Post) I_UndergroundPanther Feb 2020 OP
I really have no advise except to wonder what kind of program you are in which allows this efhmc Feb 2020 #1
The staff is willfully ignorant I_UndergroundPanther Feb 2020 #4
I wish I was there for you. safeinOhio Feb 2020 #2
My ptsd I_UndergroundPanther Feb 2020 #3
Yes, I know what you mean. Newest Reality Feb 2020 #6
I feel so sad that you have to put up with this. thucythucy Feb 2020 #5
Wow, these are great ideas. efhmc Feb 2020 #7
Thinking about your plight some more I thought I'd add one more thing-- thucythucy Feb 2020 #8
I'm hoping that things go better for you tomorrow. littlemissmartypants Feb 2020 #9
Thanks I_UndergroundPanther Feb 2020 #10


(14,673 posts)
1. I really have no advise except to wonder what kind of program you are in which allows this
Wed Feb 19, 2020, 11:28 AM
Feb 2020

kind of abusive behavior. I hope you get some type of advocate to help you. Is there no one who can help you either in or out of the program? Can you call a local paper? I can only send good thoughts your way. If you have a tweeter account use it to get the word about about the toxicity of the person in this program.


(12,344 posts)
4. The staff is willfully ignorant
Wed Feb 19, 2020, 11:43 AM
Feb 2020

I guess they think they can change the narcissist. He will never change there is no cure or therapy that cures narcissists. Therapy usually makes them worse. I don't have any other explanation of why they tolerate him. I wish he was dead. I was triggered the moment I saw him come in yesterday. I was wary.


(32,337 posts)
2. I wish I was there for you.
Wed Feb 19, 2020, 11:37 AM
Feb 2020

Sorry I don’t have much advise other than to focus on your DU friends that are pulling for you.

Newest Reality

(12,712 posts)
6. Yes, I know what you mean.
Wed Feb 19, 2020, 11:55 AM
Feb 2020

I think we all experience that in one way or another as a part of life and I have confidence that you will be able to get insight into it, but that will be up to you to initiate that. There are phases that most people go through that you could call hellish, but they do come to pass and if you ride it like a wave, you will end up on a comforting shore with a new way to see.

Can you consider how someone else might experience those things? Some might react in very extreme ways, and others might just be very annoyed, but consider that is how life can go and then direct their mind to something that they have control of and/or enjoy. We do have a tendency to let our thoughts take us on bad journeys and then imagine that is what is going on "out there" that is the ticket and the train to misery.

So, yup, you are not alone at all. What may be different is your perspective. That is certainly the place where you do have some influence and control, like interuppting the thought patterns when they arise, or occupying youself with something enjoyable, i.e., giving yourself some joy. If you notice that the patterns are persistent and won't let you, then you are zeroing in on where the both the problem and solutions might be. That empowers you.

Since you are having issues, remember that humans tend to be neurotic and it goes with the package. So, the people who are behaving in those ways are subject to that, too, just like you. Having compassion for yourself and others and softening a little, (flow like a river and don't be a damn) can feel really good and it can be like medicine that slowly heals your view. The catch is, you have to rinse and repeat and be patient and then, results will gradually be evident.

Wishing you good fortune and freedom from the habitual behaviors and thinking that we all have to contend with at some point. Peace of mind is not impossible, but that's for you to decide for your own benefit. Your healing starts now.

Be Well!


(7,909 posts)
5. I feel so sad that you have to put up with this.
Wed Feb 19, 2020, 11:45 AM
Feb 2020

I'm not sure how to respond, or what might help.

Just a few random thoughts--I'm brainstorming here so if none of these ideas sound doable maybe something else will occur.

First, if he's abusing you in the van, I would take this up with the management at the company providing the transport. I of course don't know the details, but it sounds like you use some form of para-transit to get to the program. Where I live all those vans are owned by a company that the state contracts with for the service. I would think that it's the company's obligation to provide a safe environment for its passengers. The driver should have stepped in and done more than just turn up the music. He should have stated clearly that abusive language isn't permitted. If nothing else, an argument like that is probably very distracting, which could become a safety issue.

So I would find out what sort of complaint process is in place with the transit people, and pursue that, being careful not to criticize the driver but rather to focus on the abusive passenger. HE should be contacted by the company and told his behavior will not be tolerated. It would help if you could get at least one other passenger to sign on to the complaint, but if not it would still be worth doing. If nothing else it establishes a written record of his abusive behavior which might be useful in the future.

I'd also register a complaint with whoever is in overall charge of your program. If you don't feel safe in the program, and if others have already left because of the abuse, the supervisors at the program should be informed. I would encourage your friend who dropped out of the program to contact them to say why. I would think the program, like the van company, has an obligation to provide for a safe environment.

Whatever you write should be polite but to the point. Keep copies for yourself, and keep copies of whatever response you get.

As for the last part--if he threatens you I'd go beyond talking to the landlord. I'd call the police (again, if nothing else then just to establish a "paper trail" as the basis for a restraining order).

Finally, I'd find out if your state and locality (city, town, village) has either a disability rights or human rights commission. I'm not sure but you may have some options there. If you feel you're being abused or discriminated against because you're trans, this might be something they would want to look into. Again, if nothing else it puts all this on the record, which could come in useful if the nasty and threatening behavior continues or even escalates.

Those are my thoughts, and I hope they're helpful.

Let me say again how sorry I am that you have to go through this shit.

Best wishes.


(7,909 posts)
8. Thinking about your plight some more I thought I'd add one more thing--
Wed Feb 19, 2020, 03:45 PM
Feb 2020

and that is to keep a journal of the things this guy says and does. It will document his abuse, and also might help you cope with the stress of all this. At any rate, keeping a journal during hard times has always helped me,

Best wishes.


(12,344 posts)
10. Thanks
Wed Feb 19, 2020, 08:06 PM
Feb 2020

For the day info and kind words.
My freinds who was verbally abused by him and I got a together
And figured out what to do.

Thanks DU freinds for the tips.

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