It is I, Vladimir Putin!!!!!!!!!
September 13, 2013
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE 12:45 pm September 12, 2013
Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin!
by Gary Legum
Is handsome man, no?Today Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote an op-ed for The New York Times in which he pleaded with the United States to be cautious in its dealings with Syria. Thanks to the type of journalistic legwork you have come to expect from your Wonkette, we were able to turn up the original draft of Putin’s op-ed, before his handlers and diplomats and people with a better command of the English language put their stamps on it. We present it here for your enlightenment.
Greetings, American swine friends. I write to you today from the great city of Moscow, where we are enjoying unusually balmy September weather of nearly 20 degrees on your Fahrenheit scale. Much warmer than relations between your President Obama and myself, yes? Certainly warmer than the liquid nitrogen rocket fuel I have just ordered our glorious Russian military to pump into our nuclear missiles in preparation for launch.
Ha ha, I kid! Is old Cold War joke, not unlike what your hero President Reagan used to make, yes? Please everyone go change mass-produced capitalist underwear from Hanes. I will wait.
You are back? Okey-doke, as you say. America, I speak to you today in your newspaper of record as your great friend. Everyone has that one friend like Russia: greater in land area, richer in natural resources, taller (yes! I am tall like mighty fir tree!), with the muscles and the charisma and the pure sexual magnetism that draws women to him in clubs while you sip club soda in corner before going home alone to shamefully masturbate into old gym sock. That friend who can out-drink you, out-fuck you, and storm into wilderness wearing only loincloth, to return with carcass of Siberian tiger he killed with bare hands.
America, you are great country. But you are one of many countries and very few of the others like you. Whether it is because of your arrogance or your pervasive hegemonic culture, or simply your continuing to export those McDonald’s fish filet sandwiches to every corner of the earth, I cannot say. But I must ask, have any of you ever eaten these fish filet sandwiches? Yebany v rot! I would rather eat one of the rolls of good Soviet toilet paper I used to stand on line for four days in winter in St. Petersburg with my beloved babushka to receive. Now I have toilet paper made of the softest fur of lynx I hunt myself on our glorious Russian taigas. Much better stuff, I am saying truth!
entire transcript at
http://wonkette.com/528483/hello-it-is-i-vladimir-putin
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Американский юмор? Думаю, что нет![/center]
- Pooty says that all the newspaper critics in Russia love him!