Report: There Still Time To Convert To Christianity Before Christmas Starts

[rug]

NEWS IN BRIEF
December 20, 2016
VOL 52 ISSUE 50

DURHAM, NC—Noting that adopting the religious belief system would allow individuals to fully enjoy the holiday season in all of its glory, a report released Tuesday by the Duke Divinity School revealed that there is still time to convert to Christianity before the start of Christmas.

“Whether you’re a member of another faith, atheist, or agnostic, there’s ample time in the week leading up to Christmas to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior,” the report read in part, adding that just by stopping at a nearby church and consulting with a pastor in the next four days, a person could make the yuletide gay with the comforting knowledge that God sacrificed his only son to die on the cross and be reborn for their sins.

“Indeed, it takes but a second to allow Christ into your heart. And the relief that you’ll feel as you set up a nativity scene, hang mistletoe, rush out for last-minute gifts, and decorate your Christmas tree with fellow Christians will last forever.” The report also noted that for those who ignored these findings, there still remains all of eternity for them to burn in Hell.

http://www.theonion.com/article/report-there-still-time-convert-christianity-chris-54943

[guillaumeb]

1. And eternity will last even longer that the Trump Presidency.

Why not set up churches in the shopping malls? That way weary materialists could sit down in the "Little Church of the Mall" and spend a little time on their souls?

I think I will franchise the "Little Church of the Mall" concept. Our motto might be "Rest your soles as we give rest to your souls".

[okasha]

8. A local parish that couldn't yet afford to build

did rent space in a mall. It became very popular, largely because of a charismatic priest willing to defy convention and at times the Bishop.

[guillaumeb]

10. I was being satirical.

Interesting information.

[MFM008]

2. I don't ever want to

Be a Christian that a republican would approve of.

[meadowlark5]

3. Is that an exact excerpt?

If so, by stopping by a nearby church and consulting with a pastor a person will be "gay" this yuletide? WHAT?? I thought they were against that sort of stuff.

[Goblinmonger]

5. Ummm, it's The Onion.

[Cartoonist]

11. A subtle joke

Most people decorate their trees with ornaments

[The_Voice_of_Reason]

4. Christians Elected Trump

so think I will skip this invite, and hold onto real Morales, and my love of humanity. Supposed Christians are some of the most hypocritical, closed minded bigots and racists I have ever met.

[okasha]

9. Please let Morales go.

What's s/he done to you?

[Cartoonist]

6. I don't get this part

decorate your Christmas tree with fellow Christians

[guillaumeb]

7. The Onion.

In the spirit of the season.