eHarm (ony) Commercials - The critics rave!

[onager]

eHarmony likes to stress their Xian values, so they're probably fair game in an Atheist/Agnostic group. What the hell am I saying? EVERYBODY is fair game in here, from Baby Jebus on up.

I often look around in the Previously-TV forums, which shelter many refugees from the old Television Without Pity (TWoP) boards. TWoP shut down earlier this year.

The Previously-TV commenters include many very smart, snarky and opinionated women. The big ad agencies should read that board to see how they are Epically Failing, but they're probably afraid to.

Here's a few comments about commercials from eHarm(ony) and its esteemed founder, Dr. Neil Clark Reverse-Dorian-Gray Warren (all names REDACTED, but link below). Also Free Bonus Snark about Xian Tingle, Our Time and other guilty parties:

Old eHarmony dude needs to go away as well. He's like the crypt keeper. The ad with speed dating? I'd rather see Marilyn Manson sitting in front of me than that lecherous old coot.

That was like taking 21 days of birth control in one fell swoop.

Seeing the eharmony dude while I'm trying to get busy would have my legs closed so tight nothing could get in there. Any ad with that man is repellent. The ad you referenced is nightmare-inducing.

The Christian Mingle ads bug me because it always seems like these people are on their second marriages. So this time god is helping you find the perfect person for you. Why did he lead you to that asshole you divorced in the first place?

In addition to eHarmony and Christian Mingle, I am tired of the Our Time ads. I can't stand the one guy who drones on about getting his first flirt 30 seconds after signing on to the site. You can tell he's some douchey ex-frat boy who's only single and looking to mingle on an online website because his first two wives wised up and kicked his arrogant ass to the curb and his entire circle of friends, co-workers and casual acquaintances are on to him and have warned any eligible women they know of about him.

http://forums.previously.tv/topic/2742-commercials-that-annoy-irritate-or-outright-enrage/

And remember the eHarm ads with the cute little girl playing Warren's granddaughter? Yes, the one with the lithp. Cawowine, er, Caroline.

Found this comment from a woman at the Brat-Free boards. And note the sig line under the post:

I don't think it is a speech impediment. "Caroline" talks like she has a mouthful of dicks. Which just may be serious foreshadowing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to pick up a bus full of unruly kids and feed them gummi bears and crack, then turn them loose in Hobby Lobby to ransack the place. They will all be wearing T shirts that say "You Could Have Prevented This."

http://www.refugees.bratfree.com/read.php?2,308764

[AlbertCat]

1. TV ads....and TV in general....

Last edited Mon Oct 13, 2014, 08:29 PM - Edit history (1)

.... are rich composts that nourish the snark encouraging it to bloom forth.


That's why GOOD ads are so cherished!


I have several gay twink (young, skinny boys) friends who wear "I found my boyfriend on Christian Mingle" T-shirts. Love 'em!

[Curmudgeoness]

2. I have been waiting and waiting for Atheist Mingle to be created.

And still I wait.

I was not aware that all of these sites were Christian or stressing Christian values. Then again, I don't have a clue what these ads are either. But I do have to love the sig line.

[Gelliebeans]

3. Me too!!!!

Lol
Prerequisite required shared theory that evolution exists.

[Curmudgeoness]

5. Oh.

Hi there. (wink, wink)

[Gelliebeans]

6. I wanna say

DU1 had a singles forum (I was married at the time so I didn't venture)
I just am having a serious case of CRS so I can't remember if they did.

[Cartoonist]

4. eHarem

for Mormons and that other group.

[Warpy]

7. The speed with which Cawowine's ad was pulled after so few days

has led me to believe that the ad had the effect I predicted, the kid promising "mow mawwidges" forced horny, lonely people to think about what "mawwidge" usually brings about, kids with speech impediments who are cute only to doting grandparents who aren't on the hook for the therapist bills.

Something tells me few people were surfing the site for partners or registering there while that ad ran.

[frogmarch]

8. Well,

I saw “...the one guy who drones on about getting his first flirt 30 seconds after signing on to the site. You can tell he's some douchey ex-frat boy who's only single and looking to mingle on an online website because his first two wives wised up and kicked his arrogant ass to the curb and his entire circle of friends, co-workers and casual acquaintances are on to him and have warned any eligible women they know of about him” in a TV commercial for a flower shop right after I saw him all tickled about getting his first flirt on Our Time. So he’s not only a douchy ex-frat boy and all that, he is also an actor!


EDIT: No, wait. This was the guy I later saw in the flower shop ad.


“In the grocery store they don’t come up to you and say, ‘Hey, I’d like to go out on a date,' but on Our Time they do!”


The guy pictured below must be a “douchy ex-frat boy” after all.



“I got my first flirt within about 10 minutes of being on the site. Yeah, heh.”

[onager]

9. Update - Latest eHarm ad...

But first, a couple of my pet peeves that make me want to throw hand grenades at the TV:

1. Our Time commercial with two insufferably smug twits sitting on a couch. The woman says she was only on Our Time for a couple of minutes...

"...and look WHAT I found!" Indicating the guy. WHAT I found?

I want him to jump up and yell: "Stop objectifying me, dammit!"

2. Boner Pill commercial with geezer in vintage Camaro driving thru the desert. I love how all the Boner Pill commercials are as carefully euphemistic as the old "feminine hygiene" commercials. Equal time or something.

Anyway, Camaro overheats and geezer stops at a service station. All this while the narrator is droning on about "intimacy" etc.

Hey advertiser - we don't care about ED, we're checking out the Camaro. Which some of us notice the geezer just ruined, by pouring cold water into the hot radiator and probably cracking the engine block.

Now some Previously-TV comments on the eHarm "hot married couple" ad:

What next E-Hawmoney? Actual porn? Tired of seeing "Jack and Emma" almost doing it in front of their guests! Why don't you just come out and say "E-hawmoney couples have more hot-monkey sex for years than on any other dating site" and be done with it!.

Ya sound hard up for customers, must be the bad word of mouth.

(Out of consideration for others I won't post the commercial, but it makes me want to eat ice-cream out of my skull.)

------------------------------------------------

I'm sure eHarmony wants me to watch that commercial and think, "Oh, how wonderful - eHarmony matches people so well they're still hot for each other after years of marriage," but instead I'm sitting there thinking, "So eHarmony puts ill-mannered people together, doubling the obnoxious factor and subjecting the world to uncouth pairings. Thanks a lot, creepy old dude."

--------------------------------------------------

Re: Jack and Emma and eHarmony. Just when I thought it couldn't get any creepier (after Carowine) I get to watch these two exhibitionists with poor impulse control and their appreciative audience. I just don't understand how the founder, Neil Warren Clark, aka creepy grandfather, can justify this crap, being an evangelical Christian and all. I guess it's all about the Benjamins.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

10. Here are some nice reviews for eHarmony

I've never used a dating service, and I've been married since long before internet dating sites became popular, but I could see SCAM, SCAM, SCAM written all over Neal Clark Boner and his greasy smile. Evidently it's just as much of a scam as I assumed it was - maybe worse. Reading through all the complaints at the site below, I could have cut-and-pasted for hours.

It gets 1/5 stars from Consumer Affairs:
http://www.consumeraffairs.com/dating_services/eharmony.html

"What can be said that hasn't already been said a thousand times before? eHarmony is either utterly incompetent at running a dating service, or highly competent at fleecing people out of their money. Unfortunately, based on the number of negative experiences detailed here, it looks like the latter. To quote Frasier Crane, a monkey throwing darts at the phone book would find me a better mate. eHarmony's matching algorithms are either broken or non-existent. In six months I didn't find a single compatible match. Not one. Sure, there were a couple of encouraging profiles, but they'd invariably not been active on the site for over a month." - Alex from Toronto

"E-harmony claims to match you with people of similar interests and are your incompatible match. This is truly false. Every match they have sent me is exactly a person with so similarity or interest. Example, I don't drink and lead a very healthy lifestyle so why would I want to be matched with someone who drinks frequently and is obese. I don't like country music or camping so why would eHarmony think I would be compatible to someone with those primary interests. I do not believe that they even look at individual profiles. E-harmony is a waste of time and money. My advice is to find another site." - Kathy from Florida

"I tried eharmony because I wanted to find a nice man in Las Vegas. I was never matched with anyone in Las Vegas, it was all people out of state. They refused to cancel my VERY expensive subscription, they called me shallow when I chatted live to their customer service and claimed 6 hours was a reasonable travel distance for true love. When I finally got matched with a man in Las Vegas, he fit ALL of my deal breakers, a recovering addict who collects guns. Funny, if you are female and admit to having anxiety or depression you may not join but if you're a man who had a drug or alcohol problem, great welcome aboard. I didn't get a single date and there are no physical appearance qualifiers so if you want to be attracted to a match, good luck! Also I'm 35 - they kept re-setting my age parameters. No, a 55 year old isn't ok for me! But when I called to complain, again I was called superficial in not so many words. I had to change my bank account numbers to cancel and now they are sending it to collections. Eharmony is a scam" - Rebecca from Las Vegas

"There are very creepy people on eHarmony so unless that's the type of people you want to talk to, DO NOT EVER JOIN EHARMONY!!!!" - Cynthia from California