GOP Jesus - Appearing Soon at a Trump Rally
I often wonder how current-day, so-called “Christians” envision Christ, were he to reappear. Needless to say, Jesus would – despite being of Middle Eastern descent – be a fair-skinned, blond, blue-eyed Republican, anxious to dispel the 2,000-year-old rumours about his “liberal” message.
Today’s GOP JESUS would be a rather startling contrast to that Biblical Jesus everyone was once meant to accept as their Saviour. Apparently, the infallible Son of God got a few things wrong back in his hazy, crazy New Testament days.
Were he to come back as the Republicans now envision him, GOP JESUS would, first of all, change his name. Jesus sounds Mexican – and we know all of ‘those people’ are drug-addled rapists. He would also (miraculously) be found to have been born in Bethlehem, New Jersey – and Donald Trump would, of course, take credit for having found his long-form birth certificate.
GOP JESUS would appear as a guest on a TV tour of Joel Osteen’s house. After marvelling at its opulence and its outlandish cost, Jesus would shake Joel’s hand and congratulate him on his ability to bilk millions of people out of their hard-earned money in order to serve himself under the guise of serving The Lord.
GOP JESUS would “suffer the little children to come unto Him” – and then explain to them that if they went to bed hungry because the family’s food stamps or welfare have been cut, it’s their own fault for being born to parents who are lazy parasites looking to mooch off the government.
GOP JESUS would lay waste to any store, any mall, any community that wished its citizens “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. In a world plagued by drought, famine, disease, and war, GOP JESUS knows how to prioritize.
GOP JESUS would invite the money-changers into the Temple, and expel those who promoted ideas like sheltering the homeless and caring for the sick – and would undoubtedly ask where the fuck these bleeding-heart liberals came up with that shit in the first place.
GOP JESUS would say “fuck that ‘ye without sin casting the first stone’ bullshit”, and would embrace the hypocrites who claim to be his followers.
GOP JESUS would never admonish his True Disciples to shed all worldly possessions in order to come follow him. He would be delighted to welcome all into the fold who have an eight-figure net worth and a substantial stock portfolio – all others need not apply for Eternal Salvation.
GOP JESUS would tell gays and lesbians that they are going to hell – although he would apologize for forgetting to say so two thousand years ago, when there were apparently people writing down his every word. He would explain that even the Son of God can sometimes let important information like that slip his mind.
GOP JESUS would be a regular contributor to FOX-News. He’d trade clever quips with Hannity and O’Reilly, and would remind Megyn Kelly that “blood coming out of her ‘wherever’” is her monthly punishment for not talking Eve out of giving Adam that apple when she had the chance.
Needless to say, GOP JESUS would be on the campaign trail right now, stumping for Trump. The Prince of Peace would applaud Donald’s plans to just “nuke” people he doesn’t like, and “blowing people out of the water” if they get uppity.
GOP JESUS would pass out loaves-and-fishes at Trump rallies, and raise deceased Republicans from their graves in order to vote for the man who exemplifies his message – a message that has been twisted by the “liberal media” for centuries.
GOP JESUS would appear in ads for Trump Hotels – walking across swimming pools while eating Trump Steaks and drinking Trump Ice, and would gladly accept Donald’s invitation to his next (inevitable) wedding, where he could dazzle the guests with his water-into-wine trick while celebrating the sanctity of marriage.
We can only hope that GOP JESUS is still the all-knowing, all-seeing deity he once was – and would get his money for performing miracles on Donny’s behalf up front and in cash. It's hard to imagine anything more pitiful than a penniless Jesus having to rely on his Republican friends in order to survive.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Thanks, Nance.
