My endorsement of Senator Bernie Sanders for President
With Thursday being somewhere more than one and less than seven days away, I realized I hadn’t officially endorsed a candidate yet. And it’s not going to surprise you to know that the candidate I’m endorsing is Bernie Sanders.
I’m endorsing Sanders not just in the Primaries, and not just in the General Election, but if we take over parts of space, planets and stuff, I’m pre-endorsing him to be in charge of those places too.
Bernie has the cut, color, and clarity character needed for the job. And speaking of character, Marco Rubio is definitely a character. I’d be more inclined to call him a dick, but this is an official endorsement and all, so I’m keeping it clean. Except for the part I just typed anyway, and unless it becomes necessary later in the endorsement.
When I say Sanders is experienced, I mean it. He used to listen to that Hendrix album every day (and waved his freak flag high, High, HIGH!). But even in the non-album sense, he got experience in how to dump radioactive waste on poor Latino border families. He secretly worked with Vermont’s state government to send prisoners to other states. And who can forget that he instituted single payer in Vermont for anyone willing to join both the NRA and the Oathkeepers. It’s almost laughable that anyone could even conceive of a higher achievement than that, much less actually pull it off.
But what you might not know about me is that I write things too. My real name is Allen West. Now, this is where things get a little tricky. To be honest, there was a time I didn’t care for Bernie. When I wrote the article Socialist Pickpocket Bernie Sanders After Your Wallet (http://www.allenbwest.com/2014/09/socialist-pickpocket-bernie-sanders-wallet/), and when I said “No, Senator Sanders, we don’t need a tax system that enables progressives to decide how to transfer wealth in America”, it’s true that I wasn’t too happy with him. But I wrote that in 1991 (ignore that 2015 date on the website—it’s just the effects of a bent Internet tube), and a lot has changed since then.
First of all, that was written before Bernie made packing heat mandatory for all bar patrons in Vermont. No one had seen that coming, but I started seeing him with a different eye right then. So I told several of my personal friends. But what really sealed the deal for me was when I found out that he made his wife practically embezzle from a bank. That’s when I knew that beyond all the hippie mumbo jumbo about free sex and government handouts, he was the kind of guy who is pragmatic enough to get things done when the rubber hits the road. And Jane just plain likes to get her hands dirty (see embezzlement, above).
So that explains it, and I heartily endorse Senator Sanders for the office of the President of the United States. Damn.
And yes. It’s satire. I'll be voting for Sanders; I will not be making an official endorsement (because if I did, no one would notice).
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