History of Feminism
Related: About this forumConfessions of an ex-sex kitten
Even the phrase "casual sex" has a hollow ring that bothers me. It's a contradiction in terms. Where's the casual part? I've thrown casual dinner parties, serving Chinese takeout on paper plates. I've worn casual clothes to plush offices on Fridays. But applied to relationships, casual is a code word for apathy. If someone says, "This is only physical," my translation is: "I don't care about you." Forget casual. The more accurate word is heartless. Sex strikes me as too intense a venture to be taken lightly. Thrilling and uncertain, it involves baring your soul, not just tearing off your clothes. Because sexuality is a powerful, anarchic force over which we have little control, it's soothing to pretend it's no big deal. I used to be blasé about it. I treated sex like a swimming pool. Instead of hesitating, I always plunged right in.
Now, as a reformed tramp at 40, I look back at my wild ways and wonder what planet I was on. I have more respect for sex, its hazards and surprises. Watch out for that sweet dark-eyed hunk at the watercooler; he may turn out to be a mean, manipulative jerk. And if you're hell-bent on a casual liaison, you might miss that shy, bespectacled geek at your local library who could set your heart aflame and worship you. Either way, a sexual experience is unpredictable. Offering a rare chance to feel transcendence -- an ecstatic state that transports people outside themselves -- the sexual embrace has a strong spiritual side. Whatever happens, having sex with someone changes you.
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I didn't always think this. For a long time, I saw sex without strings as the key to independence. I was raised in 1970s New York, a rollicking, amoral, sex-crazed place. The decade introduced freedoms undreamed of by my grandmother Lillian, who'd been taught to close her eyes chastely during intercourse and contemplate her rose garden. Claiming the right to an appetite was a critical step forward for women. But in our eagerness to take the guilt out of sex and let it be natural and healthy, we might have gotten a little carried away. During my childhood, the rules were suspended while the Sexual Revolution swept through town. Our teenage sisters lurked in hotel lobbies, stalking rock stars. Our moms and dads frolicked at key parties. Our high school teachers took their students to bed, and no one got sued or fired.
*
It took me many years to figure out that I wasn't who I was pretending to be. Outwardly, I'd become a bold, brazen adventuress who made a habit of propositioning men she hardly knew. I'd hand my phone number to a guy at a party, arrange to meet him on his doorstep, spend an hour or two in his apartment, and slip away. Every time I did this, I felt a curious combination of victory and devastation. I was afraid of something that I couldn't pinpoint, and I wasn't nearly as frisky and footloose as I acted. I was a confused young woman who had trouble trusting men. Easy sex was a tactic to keep men at arm's length by treating them as conquests. If this sounds like something a guy might do, it was. Alarmed by the power imbalance between men and women, I thought sleeping around would even up the score. I wore my sexuality like a protective suit of armor. My swaggering bravado was a put-on.
*
As a society, we've tried to simplify things by separating physical pleasure from emotional attachment. At the same time, we've started to confuse sexiness with physical perfection. While we're running off to our plastic surgeons for Boot injections and beast implants, we've forgotten that what's really sexy can't be bottled. It's an inner spark that's as distinctive as your personality. Being hot is a state of mind, and it's subjective. It takes two to generate heat. Desire demands emotion.
http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/08/living/confessions-ex-sex-kitten-o/index.html?hpt=hp_c4
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MadrasT
(7,237 posts)On one hand, the way she feels about sex now is how I've always felt about it.
On the other hand, for some people, sex isn't always a big deal. And just because I think it's a big deal, it's special, and it is never "casual", and this author seems to think that now... well, that still doesn't mean that everybody has to think that way.
It isn't casual sex in and of itself that I have a problem with. What I more have a problem with, is when the relentless pursuit of casual sex becomes a fixation. Then it starts to look like an addiction. And I don't like it when casual sex is glorified and held up to be some kind of super-cool thing to do.
It works for some people.
It doesn't work for other people.
To me, this is the wrong reason -- and way -- to do casual sex:
There are some people who aren't doing it with that kind of baggage, and if they want to do that, it is fine with me.
Just doesn't work for me.
Problem is, if you don't really *know* the person you are getting naked with, how do you really know what *their* motive is? Are they really just having a casual roll in the hay, or are they working out issues like the author of this article was?
It's a murky pond I don't want to swim in.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)position.
to me, it more identifies a time. it speaks of how we may more feel when we are young, then how we grow up. when we first step into the sexual journey, all bets are off, and we do what we need to do. over time, we learn and grow.
i see it in so much of the controversies of today.
and some, never grow up. now, the grow up point is not necessarily about this article, either. lol
It works for some people.
It doesn't work for other people.
...
Problem is, if you don't really *know* the person you are getting naked with, how do you really know what *their* motive is? Are they really just having a casual roll in the hay, or are they working out issues like the author of this article was?
Casual sex should be awesome all the way around and it often is; but of course there are problems, like the ones you've mentioned above. Another dangerous aspect is the added risk of violence that women face.
The fact that she went about it the way she did, and for the reasons she did, might well play a part in her views shifting a little too far in the other direction now as she is acknowledging her true motivations at the time.
She says she "can't help wondering now if there are maybe some women out there" like her? I'm sure there are lots of women like her out there. I'd be surprised if women like her weren't a very sizeable percentage of women who engage in what I used to call sport sex. The statistics about molestation would indicate a decent-sized pool of possible participants.
MadrasT
(7,237 posts)From a personal safety perspective, in this culture, it also just isn't the smartest thing to do.
The new-agey crowd I mostly hang with (when I "hang" with anybody at all) seems to basically be a large interconnected network of fuckbuddies. They all know each other and are otherwise friends, and many of them seem to have no-strings-attached sex (with others in the group) at the drop of a hat. Not my thing, but that kind of "casual sex" is a whole different thing and seems more OK to me. There is an established trust factor within the loosely connected group, so what the hell, if they like it, go for it.
Yeah, personal safety and trust is a huge component.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)
Hatchling
(2,323 posts)In my case there was a time in my life when I drank, slept around, experimented with drugs etc. I found out those things didn't work for me long term. But doing things to excess (even work, hobbies and lots of other things) is a common experience for everyone and people come to the point where they curb their excesses.
But I don't feel any shame about my past, it brought me to where I am today.
But applied to relationships, casual is a code word for apathy.
For me "casual sex" wasn't a relationship. It was a game, a means to an end. "Casual sex" implies there is no relationship. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was looking for fun. And it was fun. I've grown past that and it's not something I would want to indulge in now.
I think this woman is generalizing her personal experience and I feel as if she is trying to guilt trip me into feeling shame for my past. WOn't do it.
CrispyQ
(36,509 posts)Thanks! Now I don't have to think it & type it all!
Tumbulu
(6,292 posts)and think that it captures a bit of the cultural demand I was effected by from my suburban youth in the 70's. I feel strongly that culturally I was encouraged to dismiss my feelings and reject the attachment created by sex as "too girly, too needy, too not liberated". A sort of odd and painful construct of some of the ideas of feminism in the 70's.
Not good ideas for me. And I do think that tamping down our feelings is not at all what feminism is about.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)pertaining to sex. mine would be a .... sex or friend. decide. didnt want a relationship and wasnt going to mix the two. inevitably the man wanted more.
after married for years, i was talking to hubby, and both us feel sex with someone we care about is a lot more fun. both gender. i think that is more the norm.
Little Star
(17,055 posts)I enjoy sex. But I like the kissin' and cuddling much more than the actual orgasm part. Always did. 
Plus, I never wanted casual sex. I always had to have some kind of emotional feeling before I would get the urge to want to have sex.
The admission is: I felt that emotional "I really like you" kinda thing with quite a few guys! Hell, I was young once, ya know! lol