Good friend with an issue:
Perhaps the good women of HOF can help me direct my friend.
Quick back story: My friend... divorced for over ten years no children, divorced because her husband was having an affair. Lived in another state, made a good life for herself, good job, good friends. Her old high school sweetheart found her on FB. He is also divorced no children. They rekindle the romance she moves back to Texas, moves in with him and marries within months. They are both from the same small town.
They seem happy. Buy a house, she found a good job. He tells her that he is a recovering addict for alcohol and coke. Been clean for years. Takes the 12 step thing seriously. Is a sponsor etc. She, because of his issue does not drink at all...not even socially. She has excepted his AA friends and understands his issue. She is very healthy anyway and so this is not an issue although she misses an occasional glass of wine.
Fast forward- Married for one year. She finds really nasty not run of the mill porn on his computer. Confronts him very upset. He makes her feel like she is crazy and that this is normal for a man. She starts therapy because she thinks she is crazy.
Not much later finds out that he has been doing coke for months and that the porn and the coke are interlinked. His excuse is that he is an addict. No taking any responsibility for himself. Very bad and and very disheartening because she gave up her GOOD job to help run his fledgling business he has started. ( Computer startup ) She's not working on her own and now is financially Dependant on him.
He has made her feel like she is crazy and she doesn't know what to do. I am inclined to tell her to leave but why should she? He fucked up, she didn't.
What advise would YOU give?
= new reply since forum marked as read
if a person does not respect me, i do not want to be around them. i can not be any other way. i do not connect in a manner that i can justify to myself being around someone that does not respect me.
i am pragmatic.
i do not think i do emotion like most people.
it would be a no brainer to me, and it would have happened already. i cant live life that way. i need to not be around that crap. so i am not around that crap.
i am sorry for the friend.
ok, i am sure i am wrong on this one. i remember the last time you brought something here, and i was all in the confrontation, and i was the ONLY one. way off.
do not listen to me. 
The way he was caught really set me off. He was at his office late at night, she decided that she would bring him a sam-which as it was late she felt bad. She went to his office and he had the deadbolt locked, she tried to open it with a key to no avail She knocked screaming to let her in. He did after cleaning up...she asked what he was doing and he admitted to watching porn on the office computer, she then saw a white smear under his nose. She demanded to know what was happening and he told her everything.
He told her that the porn and the drugs went together and that he would stop doing drugs, thus stopping the porn. From what she tells me this was not run of the mill porn, she said it was really graphic.
I am angry that he seems to take NO responsibility for himself, he started explaining the medical issues regarding coke.. Dopamine, brain issues whatever. He cannot admit that HE fucked up.
It's so shitty. I feel for her. Way hurt she is especially since her first marriage regarded an affair and abandonment. 
It may be true that she is the issue. He keeps telling her that she is not and that it is the addiction though. I guess I am just confused as to why he had sobriety for years and then decided to break it Maybe it IS the marriage or maybe it's just him being selfish. I am not sure anyone will ever know.
As far as the porn, from what I get it was not your typical skin-a-max fare. It was more farm animals and other things which I would prefer not to go into right now. It was hard enough for her to tell me. 
is the culprit. ?? Farm animals...drugs? I dunno.
Whatever the case, I am sure that she may have a hand in some of this. Perhaps she is not telling me the whole story which could be entirely possible.
It's discerning to me however that she came to him and he acted as though he was rehabbed by AA and then used and tried to turn it around on her.
I feel disgusted by the whole debacle.
Coke is a fucked up drug.
It'd nice to talk to the other gender and have some perspective.
I was married to a psychologically unwell recovering addict for 20 years.
Even when he wasn't using he was never "normal"... because he never really did the psychological work to address the issues that drove him to drugs and drink.
There are millions of other men in the world, and I only have one life. I would not spend that much time again trying to "make it work" with one specific one.
The bit about trying to make her think she's crazy is a big screaming red flag. People pull that shit on you and pretty soon you don't know what is real and what isn't. You can end up becoming crazy from that treatment. Ask me how I know.
On second thought, don't.
I feel bad for her but from what you've described (which is one side of the story secondhand, but it's what we have to work with), I just think she is in for a boatload of hurt if she stays.
What is the best case if she stays, and how likely is it the "best case" pans out? 
(Only she can answer that.)
I've been reading DU every day, just not much to say. Today when I read this OP I felt that I had something possibly worth saying. Been there done that in my first marriage.
good to know
Well, she has decided to stay with him on a agreement that he goes to rehab. Ofcourse, rehab hasn't happened yet due to "their" work schedule.
She did call an outpatient clinic and he agreed and she says that he will go when their work load becomes more manageable. She knows this is a shot in the dark and I kind of know it is too... I want to be positive towards her and her marriage because she wants this to work and I want her to be happy too.
More to come in a few weeks. I hope this works for them both. I just feel awful for her predicament. I have wondered what I would do... and honestly?" I might have found myself feeling the same way she does. Wanting to save the marriage and working things out for the better. Ugh. I don't know.