Only child dealing with parent that lives out of state

[PossiblePasts]

Hello,
Looking for advice and a shoulder to lean on.

My Mother isn't in the best of health and was recently hospitalized due to a fall and C-Diff. She lives in an affordable senior citizen apartment in the area I grew up in. However, I haven't lived in the area for 20 years(including 11 years living abroad) and it is a 5.5hr drive away.
She has Medicare and her state Medicaid.

Driving down to see her on weekends is getting very draining. Ideally she could move in with us, but we have a teenager with special needs that are varied and include behavior issues. I'll be honest and say that I'm not mentally strong enough to deal with my child with special needs (we also have another child who is a moody teenager) and Mother under one roof.

I've called various affordable senior citizen apartments in my area only to be told that the waiting list is either 4-6 years long or closed altogether.

My husband and I don't have the $$$$ needed a month to move Mom into a private assisted living facility. What little extra we have we are saving for our retirement, college for our typical teenager, and care for our child with special needs.

Just reaching out to see if anyone else is in a similar situation.

[bettyellen]

1. Have you reached out to social workers in your area and hers?

Does either place have a clinic or medical group with a specialty in geriatrics? I would put her on the local lists in the meantime, and try to make as many contacts in the medical and social service areas to get ideas about what's available and possible in both areas. It's hard to do without their guidance. Is there any good local day care she can attend if she lived with you?

[PossiblePasts]

3. Thank you for your reply

I contacted our local senior citizen center and spoke to someone about switching Mom's Medicaid from her state to mine. I will call back to ask about day care centers. Trouble is, my Mom isn't the most social of people. She's very shy and relied on her sisters for friendship.
I'm off work for the summer (work in a school) so I'll go to the apartments in my area and start filling out applications to get her on the waiting lists.
She does get some help currently. Someone comes in to clean her apartment and do her laundry. I do down and do the things they miss (like taking the raised toilet seat off and giving it and the toilet bowl a good clean). A saint of a woman had been taking her to the grocery for 10 years. Now that Mom isn't comfortable walking around the grocery she will pick up a few things for her. I batch cook items for her and freeze them so that all she needs to do is microwave them. She receives transport to/from medical appointments (of which there are a ton). I was able to find (upon recommendation of her PT and OT) a nurse practitioner that provides home visits. So at least she doesn't have to go out for GP type visits.

The local pharmacy delivers and has my credit card on file as they divide her prescriptions up for her. She takes numerous prescriptions 4 times a day and no longer has to worry about what to take when.

I knew that upon moving back to the USA last year I would need to take an active role in Mom's care. However, I didn't think it would be so difficult to move her from one state to another, nor did I expect my child with special needs behavior to become worse as quick as it did.

[bettyellen]

5. There are social workers who help advise on options and programs and Id dig deep locally to build

Local contacts to help you transition. At several critical junctures in my moms life I was lucky enough to get advice and assistance by being a bit persistent and repeatedly asking for help and advice from those in working in the system.

For example- I wanted to get my mom in a clinic for geriatric psychiatry (she had Alzheimer's, and they had an excellent program) but was told they did not take new Mecicare patients. A friend said I needed to physically go there and ask them if there was any way at all around that. I did, didn't get an answer but had warned them I was desperate and would follow up. A few days later when I called back- the same woman told me I could take mom into the ER and then ask for a referral. It worked and they were indeed an amazing medical group and huge resource.

Another time she was hospitalized and without warning was going to be moved to a very shitty rehab center the next day. They weren't good at notifying me becasue my phone number was out of state (I had to get a new cell phone w her states area code or doctors would not call me) . So we were desperate to find her a better rehab and none had openings- but a friend of my cop
brother got a "community liaison" to step in and ask, and she did get a much better placement. I realized there's a network of people that make these decisions and if you can get them in their side and be seen as an advocate it can make a big difference.

Another thing is there's going to be a bit of a struggle with you "taking over"- parents feel guilt about you doing so much and also sometimes need to keep their independence. You have to kindly win this struggle and get them to accept it is better for the both of you to allow you do make decisions, get them help etc... eventually they should be relieved by allowing you to do this. I had to stress with my mom that not accepting help was making MY life harder and she needed to get on board and get out of my way.

The American assoc of Geriatric psychiatrists helped me a lot, there maybe a similar group targeted more toward your moms needs. Anyway, much depends on the connections you make, so outreach is critical.
Big hugs and much luck!

[Kittycow]

2. I don't have any direct knowledge of these things.

...but just want to send you a

I hope that you find your answers; it's a tough situation to deal with.

[Phoenix61]

4. Is there a local Council on Aging in either area?

The hospital social worker where she was last admitted should know all the local resources. She may be eligible for homemaker services. With what you are spending in gas hiring an aid to drive her to the grocery store and help her shop may be cheaper. Visiting Angels has been great for my situation, but again, contact the hospital social worker.

Just read your second post. Sounds like you have it well in hand. Hang in there, I know how hard it can be.

[KentuckyWoman]

6. If she wants to move closer to you....

Your best option might be to pool your finances and buy a bigger house or add an addition, and hire in help that will do some of the work to take part of the burden off you.

I know you said you are concerned it will be too much added to the challenges with your children. The key will be if your family will support the idea or not. If your family is able to have an honest discussion about the benefits and challenges and make an honest decision then bringing her closer to where you live will work with regular tweeking.

If your family can't even have the discussion then you'd do will to let her stay in her familiar surroundings and find her more help so you can make the drive less often.

That's my 2 cents, humbly given after spending 5 years making the drive from Kentucky to Atlanta regularly for my sister. Her last 6 month I simply moved to Atlanta to help her and when she passed I stayed to take care of things. A week before my sister passed, my husband had a heart attack, in Kentucky. We have no children. His sister stepped in thank goodness and took care of him.

It's a hell of a situation and I wish you all the support you need.

[samnsara]

7. yes! moms all of a sudden crippled..cant even walk to bathroom. dad has parkinsons and is senile..in

..their late 80s early 90s. they are 2 hrs from 2 kids and 1 hr from 1 kid. Mom needs 24 hr care now but unless she goes into a hospital first to be dx to nursing home care, we have to pay for it. Other than being completely crippled now shes not ill enough to go into hospital. So we wait for one or both of them to get sick enough to be hospitalized. In the mean time I drive 150 miles rt every day to assist sis who basically moved in with them. Dad refuses to move into assisted living and hes too senile to understand we aren't just NEXT DOOR. So our lives too are on hold. We offered to help them buy a new home in my town...furnished! In a retirement community. Drove them the 150 miles rt to see it. Dad said NOPE and that was that. broke moms heart. So even when there are some means to help them out doesn't matter if they wont get on board.

I sure feel your pain.....even when I have two other sisters ( and we are all approaching our Sr years)...I know how hard it is dealing with aging parents.


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