My live-in-the-basement MIL has mild dementia,

[Ilsa]

and things are starting to get worse faster. I know it will mostly fall on me to look after her, even though I also take care of our disabled adult son.

She's forgetful about common-sense things. For example, she looked out the window, and came upstairs to tell me we have two moons tonight, and I should take a look. Of course we don't have two moons, but I didn't want to embarass her. She has vision problems, she says, so I checked out the window to see how bad her vision had gotten. I then had to explain that the double-paned windows were creating a false image of the moon on the glass.

On a Sunday, she asked if that was her day to go to her doctor appt. I told her it was Sunday. That meant nothing, in terms of her remembering that doctors don't typically schedule checkups on a Sunday. I had to explain that to her.

Today, some mail was returned. She had made a payment on her WalMart account, made out the check to WalMart versus the bank that issues the card. She lost the mailback envelope, so she tried to copy the address down on a clean envelope, but she basically stirred the PO Box number with the zip code and wrote patches of numbers that make no sense for either number. Furthermore, she has over $5000 charged, but she only made a minimum payment. I have no idea yet what the interest charges are, and how big the late fee will be. I hope they close her account and allow no further charges.

I think we need to freeze her credit.

My husband and I need to be on her two bank accounts if they want me to pay her bills for her.

I'm not sure what else we need a PoA for, just a health care PoA and advanced directive. She has no assets, just 2 accounts with low balances, a SSI check, and two life insurance policies.

Any other ideas? What else do I need to do?

[Faux pas]

1. Does she have medicaid?

If so, try to get her a caregiver to help you out. Until you have a financial poa, write out her bills for her and have her sign them.

I took care of my mom, who had Alzheimer's, for 10 1/2 years. Sending you and your's the best vibe for dealing with all you have to deal with.

[Ilsa]

9. No, she has Medicare and Tricare for life as

a former military dependent. She makes over $1,100 in SSI monthly. I suspect we are hosed on any real long term care.

[Binkie The Clown]

13. Be advised that when the time comes...

Medicare will cover 100% of in-home hospice care.

[Ilsa]

14. Thank you! That really is great news. nt

[hedda_foil]

17. You're not hosed on long term care. If she has no other funds, she'd be Medicaid eligible.

The nursing home gets her SS. I don't think they count life insurance policies as assets but you'd have to decide whether to pay any premiums because she won't have funds to do it.

[Ilsa]

20. Ok, thanks. More good news. nt

[RazBerryBeret]

26. My momma has Dementia

We moved he to an assisted living facility after my dad passed (she didn't want to live with and of us, i'm only slightly offended). My dad was in the army and the veteran benefits are the only thing that covers part of her assisted living bill.

[Maru Kitteh]

31. She is also likely entitled to long-term care at a veteran's home

if she is a military widow. I work at a vets home and while we are not fancy, we consistently rate highest in resident and family satisfaction and safety in our state. It is a special place, and it's where I had planned to have my mom stay if needed before she passed.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

[Siwsan]

2. Definitely get your names on her bank accounts

Double check the beneficiaries on the life insurances. In other words, leave nothing to chance. I was dealing with my mother's estate after she died of Alzheimer's, and taking care of my elderly aunt. I thought I was on top of everything but missed one of my aunt's bank account and when she died I had to take that through informal probate. Not THAT big of a problem, but one I didn't need.

Definitely get a POA for legal and financial issues and health/advanced directive. We took away Mom's car keys and credit card. Fortunately, she rarely used here card so that wasn't a problem. The car keys are a whole other story.

Also, if you have close neighbors, it wouldn't hurt to let them know a bit of what's going on. My mom started to wander, and fortunately the neighbors were aware of what was going on, and they kept a look out and returned her, if she slipped out the door.

And definitely get her a thorough neurological assessment. We found a really good neurologist for Mom. She didn't have to go, very often, but he was a font of help and information, for us.

[Ilsa]

7. My husband is on both of them,

and I know how her insurance is set up.

My current neighbors know a little about her situation. She hasn't been one to wander.

I don't think she's had a full neuro assessment in awhile. I'll request one.

[JudyM]

23. Did the neurologist suggest what could help slow down the process, by any chance?

The only thing I’ve seen recommended is exercise (and cannabis).

[Siwsan]

24. She was first diagnosed about 7 years ago.

I remember the physician had put her on medication but, at that point, said those were mostly to help calm her. There might be more medications, now, that would have a slowing effect.

I've read that about cannabis, and using CBD, which was explained to me helps to prevent the plaque build up in the brain. We came very close to making her some magic brownies.

[JudyM]

28. The neurologist tried a couple of meds with my dad that didn't help

and actually seemed to be having negative effects so we stopped after a few months. That was a couple years ago. Stunning the tax dollars that are spent on war etc instead of researching dementia!

I’m sorry for the sad times you had to go through, but you’re giving great advice here.

On edit: yes, the cannabis seems to prevent plaque buildup and also stimulates neurogenesis as well as reducing inflammation.

[Siwsan]

30. This curse runs in my mother's family

On my Mom's side, there were 8 children and out of the 6 who survived to a geriatric age, 3 developed Alzheimer's and one developed an unspecified type of dementia. It doesn't appear anywhere in my Dad's family and, fortunately, I tend to take more after them.

None the less, I'm not going to let my guard down. I intend to maintain my CBD dosing, for life. And now that recreational cannabis is legal in Michigan, I'll be adding THC oil/tinctures to my daily regimen of CBD, garlic, and turmeric.

[Poeraria]

3. You need a Durable Power of Attorney, which is a bit different from a Health Care POA in my state.

Go on the web page for the Secretary of State where you live, and search around. Most states have forms that you will have to fill out with her, and get her to sign before witnesses or a Notary. Witnesses should not be beneficiary of any of her assets or resources.

[Ilsa]

6. Thank you, I'll check for that. nt

[Phoenix61]

4. Watch for UTI's. They will decompensate

unbelievably fast. I had my mom on preventative Nature’s Answer, UT Answer, d-mannose and cranberry. A teaspoon in the am and a teaspoon in the pm mixed in strawberry pedialyte.

[Ilsa]

5. Excelkent ideas about the UTI business.

She went stark-raving and got aggressive when she had the tiniest bit of abnormality in her urine in the hospital, not even a URI.

[handmade34]

8. ...

make sure you take time for yourself...

I was fortunate in that my dad put me on all his accounts and will before he got too bad.

Do whatever you need to do to get your (+husband's) name on everything important.

I just watched a movie last night that reminded me so much of my father (although w/hyperbole)… it was played by Nick Nolte, whom I don't like so much but this part seemed to be made for him...

[eppur_se_muova]

10. Whether or not you freeze her credit, get that account closed.

My mom is declining, but nowhere near that bad. She avoids credit accounts as much as she possibly can, because it's too hard for her to keep track. I double-check *all* the checks she writes and balance her checkbook for her. She is on SS and had gotten a few overdrafts before I started being strict about that. Your MIL sounds like she is better off financially but she really needs someone to help her keep her accounts -- something you can do well before POA becomes necessary.

Just my 2 bits.

[dhill926]

11. I feel for you...

it's amazing how fast conditions can deteriorate. My Mom was pretty much ok just last March, now it's a memory care unit and she can rarely remember things day to day. And yes on the PoA for finances. Good luck to you...

[Binkie The Clown]

12. My mom with dementia lived with me for 6 years.

Little by little her memory loss got worse, but then, last year, she stared getting noticeably worse week by week. While she was still somewhat coherent my sister and and I went with her to the bank and had our names added to her accounts so that I could take care of her finances, and my sister could act as backup in case anything happened to me. We went into her purse and removed her car keys and credit cards. That turned out not be be an issue since she hadn't driven for more than 3 years and never went shopping by herself, since I was her only source of transportation.

We were glad that we went to the bank while she was still coherent enough to talk with the bank manager and to agree to add us to her accounts. If we had waited any longer, given how her mental faculties deteriorated, we probably would have needed to go through the courts to get our signatures added.

As it was, we were cutting it close. A few months later her doctor recommended her for hospice and five months after that, she passed away. Having our names on the accounts made settling up her finances and splitting up the assets with the heirs much easier.

If she can still carry on a halfway reasonable conversation, I would strongly advise going with her to the bank and getting your names and signatures added. The longer you wait, the more difficult it could become. Emphasize, like we did, that we wanted to help her with her bills. Don't make it sound to her like you are trying to "take over". Just offer to help.

[JudyM]

25. Seconding this advice.

[3Hotdogs]

15. If there is a danger of her wandering, buy a couple of tracking devices like "Tile."

Attach one to her purse or wallet. Another to a shoe or coat-- where ever else you can think of to put one. If she has a cell phone, make sure the tracking is allowed.

If you have a small town police department, take a couple of photos and ask if they would make officers aware that if she is wandering, to call you or take her home.

Since she has Tricare, take your father-in-law's discharge papers to your county V.A. office (not the hospital) or your nearest American Legion post. Have them investigate if she is eligible for a bed in the V.A. hospital when her condition deteriorates to the point she can no longer be cared for at home. Expect a wait of a year or two for a bed at the V.A. facilities so if she is eligible, apply now.

Has her vision been checked?

[Ilsa]

18. Thank you for all of that. Sadly, the nearest

VA hospital is probably an hour away, not so much because of miles, but traffic and slow roads. It may be our best option, though.

I just hope she didn't throw away his papers. (Another thing for the list.) We stopped her from throwing away her marriage license several months ago. I think I may have put it in my safe deposit box. She thought it wasn't needed because she's a widow. I explained to her that her birth certificate doesn't have the name she uses now on it, that her marriage license explains how she went from being Jane Doe on her bc to Jane Smith. It took forever for her to understand how ID works, and that she'd likely need it to get her new military ID card if/when this one expires.

She had cataract surgery almost five years ago, and had opth visits for a couple of years afterwards. As of last week she was complaining about her peripheral vision. I go with her to her PCP, cardiac, oncology, and other visits, and one is scheduled for later this week. I'll get a referral set up for her.

[3Hotdogs]

21. Each county is supposed to have a VA office.

Last edited Tue Jan 7, 2020, 09:57 PM - Edit history (1)

There, or any American Legion office can process her/your application. You don't have to go to a V.A. hospital except for actual medical care or admission to the facility.

They will also get you copies of his discharge papers.


Was he a combat veteran?

[babylonsister]

16. I recently saw this article and saved it

for myself as I have nothing in order. It enumerates all the helpful forms we all will need. Maybe this will help you.

https://time.com/5640494/why-you-need-to-make-a-when-i-die-file-before-its-too-late/?fbclid=IwAR0guDYxVu4fI42B-4qIIiHsdhM5i0ZkRd8IvSFX_xfcIYa6l3Loxvluwd4

Why You Need to Make a 'When I Die' File—Before It's Too Late

[Ilsa]

19. Thank you. nt

[ginnyinWI]

22. It's like the person is sliding down a hill,

And family members are hanging on, trying to slow down the slide. It's all you can really do. Get financial power of attorney, and health power of attorney when you need them. No more credit cards. Pay her bills for her and/or get them set up on auto pay.

In general, when they come up with strange notions, don't argue with them. Just humor them along, making jokes about it and smiling where appropriate. It only stresses them out to feel like they are losing it, even though it may be true.

When there is "nobody home" in the mind, there isn't a gatekeeper to tell you what might be wrong with her physically, whether it is an infection or a pain. You need to watch carefully for physical ailments because they can go unnoticed.

That said, the medical community will act like the person is going to live on for decades and want to continue routine treatments. They had me bringing my mom to the eye doctor for eye treatments, when she was really too sick to go to their office, and was actually only a few months away from passing away. Same with the dentist. It it hard do know what to do, but remember that you can say no to something like a dental cleaning when it is clearly very stressful and not really worth it. I should have said no to those.

Find out what she likes best, whether a certain food or a game or activity and make sure she gets them. I regret not taking more time to pamper my mother during her last months. There comes a time when you can forget about cholesterol or whatever and just let them enjoy their last months.

[JudyM]

27. As noted by Binkie above, get to the bank ASAP.

Also ensure that there are no other accounts or assets that may be lying dormant somewhere, while she can still credibly speak to the institution to give you co-ownership (preferred) or POA over them.

Most institutions make it much easier for you if you fill out their POA paperwork.
I had to bring the lawyer-prepared POA form to Bank of America on 3 occasions because despite their assurances, they kept getting it wrong and it wasn’t going through. Even though they’d faxed it to their legal dept the first time and said it was all set. On the 3rd visit my mother finally decided to cut through their crap and put me on her accounts as co-owner.

You might also want to have her on a joint phone call with her health care providers’ offices so they hear from her that she’s ok with your being privy to/managing her medical issues. They likely have their own office forms to list you on, as well, so they don’t have to get approval of your healthcare POA form from higher ups. Give them a copy of that POA, too.

Same as above for her health insurance company. And probably the life insurance, but I don’t have any experience with that. All I know is that every single entity she deals with has insisted that hoops be jumped through and I would’ve had a hell of a time if we didn’t start all of this while she’s still coherent.

Good luck, Ilsa. It’s a gift you’re giving by being there for her.

[dawg day]

29. If her husband was a veteran...

There might be some aid for low income widows. The VA would help.