January 24, 2015

Republicans Address Income Inequality By Offering Middle Class Hot Stock Tip

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WASHINGTON—Expressing their commitment to helping average American families get a leg up, leaders of the Republican party addressed the nation’s growing income inequality Wednesday by offering the middle class a hot stock tip.

“Look, you guys didn’t hear it from us, but we have it on good authority that now’s the time to hop on the IPG Photonics train,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, who explained that investing “a few grand” right now would provide the boost that struggling middle-class households need to get ahead, before requesting that everyday Americans not share the inside advice with anyone else. “IPG’s got the fiber-optic laser market cornered, and we've got reason to believe that demand is going to shoot through the roof in the next few quarters.

Yeah, it’s trading at a pretty steep $74, but this thing’s a sure deal. And you’ll want to grab a few hundred shares in this sucker if you can, because you’re looking at a dividend yield of at least 11 percent. Don’t worry, this tip’s for free.” Boehner then added that the GOP might also have a naked short-sell operation struggling Americans could get in on if they weren't afraid to “get [their] hands a little dirty.”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/republicans-address-income-inequality-by-offering,37821/

January 18, 2015

Which of the 11 American nations do you live in?

Red states and blue states? Flyover country and the coasts? How simplistic. Colin Woodard, a reporter at the Portland Press Herald and author of several books, says North America can be broken neatly into 11 separate nation-states, where dominant cultures explain our voting behaviors and attitudes toward everything from social issues to the role of government.

“The borders of my eleven American nations are reflected in many different types of maps — including maps showing the distribution of linguistic dialects, the spread of cultural artifacts, the prevalence of different religious denominations, and the county-by-county breakdown of voting in virtually every hotly contested presidential race in our history,” Woodard writes in the Fall 2013 issue of Tufts University’s alumni magazine. “Our continent’s famed mobility has been reinforcing, not dissolving, regional differences, as people increasingly sort themselves into like-minded communities.”

Take a look at his map:

Woodard lays out his map in the new book “American Nations: A History of the Eleven Rival Regional Cultures of North America.” Here’s how he breaks down the continent:

Yankeedom: Founded by Puritans, residents in Northeastern states and the industrial Midwest tend to be more comfortable with government regulation. They value education and the common good more than other regions.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/govbeat/wp/2013/11/08/which-of-the-11-american-nations-do-you-live-in/

January 17, 2015

Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West

January 17, 2015

Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASA

January 17, 2015

New PS4 Feature Allows User To Close Eyes And Imagine Really Fun Game

January 17, 2015

Report: Increasing Number Of U.S. Toddlers Attending Online Preschool

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WASHINGTON—Saying the option is revolutionizing the way the nation’s 3- and 4-year-olds prepare for the grade school years ahead, a Department of Education report released Thursday confirmed that an increasing number of U.S. toddlers are now attending online preschool.

“We found that a growing number of American toddlers are eschewing the traditional brick-and-mortar preschools in favor of sitting down in front of a computer screen for four hours a day and furthering their early psychosocial development in a virtual environment,” said the report’s author, Dr. Stephen Forrest, who said that the affordability and flexibility characteristic of online pre-primary education are what make the option most appealing, allowing young children to learn their shapes and colors on a schedule that works best for them.

“With access to their Show-And-Tell message boards, recess timers, and live webcams of class turtle tanks, most toddlers are finding that they can receive the same experience of traditional preschooling from the comfort of their parents’ living room or home office. In addition, most cited the ability to listen to their teacher’s recordings of story time at their own pace as a significant benefit of choosing an online nursery school.” Forrest added that, despite their increasing popularity, many parents remain unconvinced that online preschools provide the same academic benefits as actually hearing an instructor name farm animals and imitate their noises in person.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-increasing-number-of-us-toddlers-attending,37145/

January 17, 2015

Area Man Willing To Give Up Any Of Muslims’ Rights Necessary To Feel Safe

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PITTSBURGH—Explaining how defending the population is the government’s ultimate responsibility, area man Greg Farnsworth told reporters Thursday he is willing to give up any of Muslims’ rights necessary to feel safe.

“The bottom line is that we are putting innocent lives at risk if we don’t give the government more power to protect us, and if that means giving up a few constitutionally protected freedoms of Muslims in the process, so be it,” said Farnsworth, who added that, while he didn’t necessarily like the idea of the NSA monitoring phone calls or emails, he believed it was vital to accept a few violations of privacy rights among those of the Islamic faith to ensure the nation remained secure.

“If last week’s attacks taught us anything, it’s that al-Qaeda is still determined to kill as many people as they can. So if we have to add more security measures at airports for Muslims or track people online who are critical of the U.S. government, provided they are Muslim, in order to keep us safe, I’m willing to make that sacrifice.” Farnsworth added that, if you really considered the lives and well-being of your family, limiting a few rights for Muslims here and there isn’t a bad trade-off at all.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-willing-to-give-up-any-of-muslims-rights,37780/

January 13, 2015

Spike in Autism Numbers Might Reflect Rise in Awareness

About 1 in 68 children in the U.S. is diagnosed with autism, according to the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), scientists from the organization reported Thursday.

This estimate represents a 30 percent increase in prevalence from the 1 in 88 children reported in 2012 to have autism.

The researchers evaluated school and medical records of 363,749 children who were 8 years old in 2010. The prevalence data are from 11 states but vary widely by geography, from 1 in 45 in New Jersey to 1 in 175 in Alabama. The numbers also vary based on ethnicity, sex and co-occurring conditions.

As in previous years, the gender ratio is skewed, at 4.5:1 for boys versus girls.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/spike-in-autism-numbers-might-reflect-rise-in-awareness/

January 12, 2015

Steve Emerson tells BBC he's sorry for calling Birmingham 'totally Muslim'

January 12, 2015

It Was Murder: Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

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(Cold Blooded Murder)

BERKELEY, CA—Citing compelling fossil evidence that the prehistoric species died suddenly and treacherously, paleontologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Monday that dinosaurs were almost certainly killed by someone they trusted. “Our findings indicate that someone, we don’t know who, spent at least 150 million years gaining the confidence of dinosaurs before abruptly betraying them and taking their lives near the end of the Cretaceous Era,” said lead researcher Professor Janet Bower, adding that dinosaurs likely had an innately innocent and unsuspecting nature that this individual could exploit to get within easy striking distance.

“The distribution and condition of dinosaur bones strongly suggests that these creatures died without a struggle and that they had been caught totally off-guard by an individual they naively considered a friend. Those that had time to regard their killer were no doubt absolutely shocked.” Bower went on to suggest that if the mightiest creatures to walk the face of the earth could be wiped out by letting someone get close to them, humanity could too.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/paleontologists-determine-dinosaurs-were-killed-by,37468/