November 18, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-17: The Man With The Golden Goose Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-17: The Man With The Golden Goose Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Still coming to you from this blank void. How’s everybody doing? I know, this has been quite a week, hasn’t it? For the first time in five years I feel like I can finally sleep easier at night. But we’ve still got a long way to go before the end of 2020. And man it’s going to feel like an eternity until January 1st gets here, after which we only have 20 more days left of this god forsaken administration! So do we have time for the thing? And yeah this is the first “thing” we’ve had in like two months so let’s do this thing! Well we got to talk about the Space X launch for a minute. Wasn’t that great on Sunday? Yes like the Lakers winning the NBA Finals or the Dodgers winning the World Series, just some mild escapism from the absolute shit show that is 2020. But that said it was pretty cool to watch wasn’t it? I mean it wasn’t quite the spectacular they had last year when they launched a Tesla Roadster in orbit around the earth but it was still pretty cool, am I right? I mean I always said that space travel will start expanding when it becomes profitable to do so. And now that Space X has taken the helm it looks like it might start becoming profitable to do so! Although really, Elon Musk believes in alien DNA and promoted Kanye West for president, and named his baby after a series of unpronounceable syllables, so is this really the guy who we want in charge? It remains to be seen. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he talks about Trump’s insane denial of the 2020 election results:



Wow, the dust has finally been settled from the 2020 election but Trump isn’t going quietly! In the #1 slot this week is of course the guy who won’t be president for much longer and that’s’ Twitter’s own @realDonaldTrump (1). He’s attempting to stage what one might call a coup and it’s backfiring on him spectacularly! In the second slot this week is Trump Supporters (2) – they’re planning a Million MAGA March on Washington DC and we will have all the low lights from the shit show! Yes, you saw that correctly! In the third slot this week is SCOTUS (3). So Boofing Brett Kavanaugh had an independent thought on health care, but then Samuel Alito decided to channel his inner Frank Costanza and air his grievances to the Federalist Society! In the number four slot this week is also @realDonaldTrump (4) and he has a plan to start his own news network! Yes, he’s declaring war on the channel that made him, Fox, because, reasons. In the number 5 slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week my home state of California always makes the news for the big money and big prizes poured in to their proposition system, so what made the cut this year? Well it was quite the mixed bag for starters! In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church of the Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week – our resident pastor takes a look at what Northern California megachurch hipster cult pastor Sean Feucht is up to and well, let’s just say that coronavirus likes this. In the #7 slot this week is a new edition of “Beating A Dead Horse”. So Ben Shapiro – you know him as the guy who constantly attacks liberals for needing “safe spaces” – hates the concept of gender bending in rock music. Well guess what? That concept is older than time itself! Taking the #8 slot this week, is a new segment! We have our first ever edition of “People Who Somehow Got Re-Elected” (8) and who better to induct into the new class than our old buddy Mitch McConnell? Because he has an inexplicably low approval rating, yet keeps getting reelected every time! WTF! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink – why are celebrities buying controlling stakes in European EFL teams? We will have some drinks and find out! Finally in “Road To The White House” (10) – why does Trump refuse to concede? And why won’t they tell the incoming president anything? So many questions! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Can we talk about the New Zealand Bird Of The Year vote for a minute? Because it’s quite literally insane that they actually have a Bird Of The Year vote. And in this election there were 1500 votes that were found to be fraudulent. That’s because New Zealand really cares about its’ bird of the year. Which this year happened to be Spotted Kiwi. Although I personally happen to be a fan of the Yellow Eyed Penguin in this case. So cute! But the reason I bring this up is because this is just an election to decide New Zealand’s national bird. Now imagine this having real consequences like here in America, where President Boy Who Cried Wolf is screaming about voter fraud. Allow me to cue my inner Twilight Zone narrator and just imagine if you will, a scenario in which 5,000,000 votes suddenly got overturned. It’s frightening, isn’t it?





That’s right – Trump is hopping mad! But just think about that bird election there for a minute. Now just imagine what could go wrong if Trump ordered a recount in every state and somehow got the majority of the popular vote overturned? It’s pure fantasy at this point – he lost and the election results are unlikely to be overturned. But take a look at the clusterfuck currently happening in Georgia to get a preview of where we could be headed.





That is true! And there’s no one who’s a bigger sore loser than Trump is. Hell he’s even a sore winner – think about the fact that he’s spent the last four years just berating Hillary over the results of the 2016 election. Nothing pleases this guy! But in fact he’s dead wrong on his election claims and he’s fighting quite the losing battle. He’ll go down in flames and it might take Bradley Tanks and a SWAT team to remove him from the White House on 1/21/21.





Holy shit! I’m no expert on cyber security by any means but I think even a room full of chain smoking monkeys on typewriters could tell Trump that he’s completely full of shit on election fraud! I could go on all day about how members of his own party are saying that he’s completely full of shit but I don’t have that kind of time! Even the US election security officials claim he’s full of shit!






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[font size="8"]Million MAGA March Highlights
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We seriously had a pool in the Top 10 Home Offices going as to how long before Saturday’s Million MAGA March in Washington DC would turn violent. I figured it was going to be at some point after the march when the protestors got bored and went home. I was not disappointed. Of course you should know by now that when the MAGAs gather – whether it’s the Proud Boys or the Oath Keepers, that some serious shit will fly and it will most likely end with injuries and arrests. Or as the Los Angeles Lakers call it, a victory parade. I kid, I kid. But let’s take a look at the million MAGA March for a minute and how the Trump presidency began and how it will end.





Yes these are some extremely terrible people. And if you saw the posts on Twitter you’d think that conservatives were badly mistreated during the protests. No they weren’t. In fact like most protests, they’re the antagonists looking to start some shit, but they’re able to spin it in such a way that they’re the victims. And yes like every pro-Trump march since the administration began, this one ended about how you’d expect.





So yeah just keep in mind that if you hang out with the Proud Boys, someone is gonna get stabbed and that’s something that you should try to avoid at all costs! But the thing is the Trump administration ended the same way it began – by lying about crowd sizes! And let’s comment on their uniforms for a minute. I mean seriously they complain about Harry Styles wearing a dress, but they have no problem with color coordinating and matching scarves? Please!!!





Yeah seriously! The Proud Boys even got a visit from Dear Leader as he drove through the rally on his way to go golfing. But the one nice thing is that the MAGA movement appears to be dying down even though 70 million voted for the Orange Asshole. And like I said the Trump administration will end as it began – with them lying about crowd sizes. In fact this was one of the most poorly attended rallies in recent memory.





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[font size="8"]SCOTUS
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Yes it’s a fact that conservatives now have a 6 – 3 supermajority on the Supreme Court. But let’s not lose sight of the fact that even they have to follow the law and the constitution of the United States. Even a man such as Boofing Brett Kavanaugh has to comply by the standards of the bench that he presides over and it cannot be ignored! But even such hard lined conservatives like Boofing Brett have an independent thought every once in a while. But it won’t be long before the conservatives break his spirits and remind him who he is working for. After all they will strip our rights and take away our nice things whether we like it or not!





That’s right! Brett Kavanaugh had an independent thought alarm that even conservatives can’t ignore, and it certainly wasn’t what Trump signed him up for and paraded him around for! Both he and Roberts are suggesting that it’s not the court’s duty to strike down ACA. Though no matter what happens we’ll keep an eye on it because that’s what we do. But even the insurance industry themselves is surprised by this ruling! And they would know.





Oh seriously people! Stop your rabbling! Kavanaugh will be told to get in line soon enough. As if that wasn’t enough, let’s switch gears and talk about Samuel Alito’s showing at the Federalist Society’s annual gathering of deplorables. It seems he has a few thoughts on COVID destroying our basic civil liberties. And before we do I want to show just what we’re up against. And why Alito is not fucking helping at all!





Gee seriously what could go wrong there? We already have one petulant man child attempting to stage a coup the last thing we need are clones! So Dr. Atlas said that shit. We’re in the worst pandemic not seen in an entire century, so why do Alito's comments matter when Atlas says shit like this? Well take this combined with Kavanuagh’s comments on the ACA and we have a colossal shit show in the making and it’s all thanks to you know who.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Well if you can’t beat them, steal them. That seems to be the motto of the Donald J. Trump reelection campaign. And we’ve said before that if Trump loses the election that he’s going to burn the house down before he goes. In fact it’s already started and he’s going nuclear on Fox News. That’s right – the network that made him into the heartless monster that he is is turning on him, like some kind of fucked up Frankenstein monster. And I mean come on, I read the Frankenstein novel in middle school I have seen how this sort of thing turns out! And it will not turn out well for Trump or for Fox News.





I could honestly see that’s where news is headed. Seriously a man as petty and vindictive as Trump obviously has something up his sleeve. The guy is fuming mad over losing the election and he’s taking it more like the child screaming at Target when his parents don’t buy him a toy than he is taking the loss like a real man should. So how did the relationship between Trump and Fox News turn into a modern day version of the Frankenstein story?





That did go south so fast! And remember that episode of Futurama where Bender gets kicked out of a theme park and vows to start his own, but better? Well Trump is aiming to do just that. He’s made the world look at the US as a laughing stock, and he’s taken his brand of poison to Fox News as well. So if he gets kicked out of Fox News where’s he going to go? It seems Trump’s brand of love – hate with Fox News has been taken to new extremes.





Oh come on, Axios! You know Trump isn’t the type to throw tons of money away on a business that will go nowhere! Oh wait, he’s already lost money in casinos, airlines, vodka, steaks, hotels, golf courses, and a fake university. What’s there to stop him from investing money in his own media company? Well like most breakups, this one is going to be extremely long and extremely painful, and the last thing we need is another conservative media outlet. Trump might think he's the golden goose, but really he's more The Man With The Golden Goose. And a solid gold toilet. So I give this one six months before they pack it in.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: California Propositions
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Every election cycle, the state of California always makes national news for it’s increasingly controversial series of laws that are decided by the people known as “propositions”. They’re always a mixed bag of stuff and you never know what you are going to get with each one. But unlike other states, California’s propositions are sponsored by some big money investors on both sides – for and against. And this year there was a lot at stake – including allowing rideshare drivers to unionize (Prop 22), requiring dialysis clinics to employ on site medical staff (Prop 23) to a tale as old as time, requiring employers and colleges to embrace diversity (Prop 16). So what were the big winners and losers this year? Let’s start with one of the big losers, Proposition 22.





Yes so think of Uber and Lyft sponsoring legislation against their employees like KFC sponsoring legislation against chicken. It’s in their name! Another big loser in all of the Propositions was Prop 20, a measure that would have reduced prison populations and toughened stances on criminals. So how did that one favor with voters? Well it was, as they say, rejected.





Well that’s prison-ist. But this year this shows that California isn’t the progressive paradise that conservatives think it is. In fact if any of these propositions had won, you could think that it indeed was a progressive paradise. But if you look at the actual exit polling data, you will see that in fact the opposite is true about California.





That said how can some of these measures pass in the future? Well it’s just like any other campaign where you have to get out the vote. Unfortunately for some, Prop 22 and 23 had some huge money backing them. Although if you do live in California, you’re probably relieved that you don’t have to see commercial after commercial and receive robocall after robocall. What won and lost? Here’s a definitive guide.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation!! Well we can’t have any real congregations congregating until we deal with this virus. And in case you’re wondering why cases aren’t going down where you live, you have two people to thank – Sean Feucht and Lauren Daigle. Who are these people you might ask? Well us Californians are well aware of Mr. Feucht’s shenanigans as he runs the notorious Bethel Church in Redding – a church that got busted for ponzi schemes and runs lunatic fringe representative candidates among other things. And Lauren Daigle is an inexplicably popular Christian music star. Which is what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want! So if you see a “Let Us Worship” event coming to your city, since we are still at the height of COVID-19, you should absolutely run the other way!





That is a good point, guy with unusually large angel wings! But here’s the thing about this guy – this isn’t the first time he’s been caught doing this sort of thing during this pandemic. Look, you idiots just don’t get it – nobody is trying to cancel church. We’re just canceling mass gatherings until this virus is dealt with and goes away. So until you realize that, stay away from stuff like this. Because that’s what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want!





Yes, Mr. Feucht is the devil!!! He is a DAYMON!!! His church fully embraces and supports the unholy, ungodly Dark One, a man who is so disgusting that his name shall not be mentioned in my church, even if it is online for the time being! What’s even crazier is that somehow this album got to the top of the iTunes charts. In case you’re wondering why this evil virus is spreading out of control, thank this guy!





Well now of course they didn’t! They don’t care! They support the Dark One and have been busted for fraud multiple times! So of course leave it up to this mad man to skirt the laws and make a dangerous situation that much worse. And that’s divided even his own congregation who has mixed feelings on this subject. Just ahh!!! The stupid boggles my mind!





I’m done ranting about this moron. Seriously how does that guy have 11,000 followers and we barely fill a small theater? It boggles the mind! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Well here’s a dead horse that’s been beaten since the days of ancient Greece! If you don’t know conservative commentator Ben Shapiro, he’s the darling of the campus wing of the alt right with his constant attacks on “safe spaces” and “triggered liberals”. But he might be the triggered one here since he’s got a major problem with Harry Styles (of One Direction fame) wearing a dress in his latest music video. Yes you heard that right – Harry Styles channels his inner David Bowie on this one! You might remember that famous cover from “The Man Who Sold The World”, right? Or literally anything that Elton John has ever done? Or ever seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show? I could go on and on about this, but really, Ben Shapiro needs to get out of his bubble and experience the world. But we all know that he won’t do that.





Let’s make one thing perfectly clear – Ben Shapiro is a professional troll. He gets paid to say stupid shit like this. But then again so do we. The only difference is our ridiculous claims are based in reality. Ben Shapiro on the other hand lives in conservative fantasy world. But then another professional troll – Candace Owens – also had to chime in on the subject. You might be asking yourself “don’t these people have anything better to do?” and I answer you “no they do not.”.





Excuse me a minute… Now I’m not saying go as far as Bender here, but you know we are living in strange times indeed. So to put this in perspective, a normal person would look at this and think that Mr. Styles’ reasons for wearing a dress would seem perfectly normal and innocent. But not in conservative batshit land, where they think he’s a demon and sets men back 100 years! No the only people who set men back 100 years are well, men like Ben Shapiro!





Well Harry is maybe not full drag queen yet like Billy Porter is. I mean come on I’m not knocking Billy Porter, that dude has style! I mean it takes a real man to wear a dress in public! But really Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens went too far. It’s not all doom and gloom though. At least people are stepping up to defend Harry Styles’ choice of clothing. So let’s leave it at least on a positive note, shall we? Because last I checked it’s still the shittiest year ever, 2020 and we do need good news once in a while!






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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Re-Elected
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week’s person who somehow got re-elected is none other than our current Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. Mitch Mitch Mitch. What are we going to do with you? In a world where the guy who lost the presidential elections won’t contest the results, he has enablers. One of those enablers is the current Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. He has been a hard supporter of the Trump train and won’t accept the results. Trump is an abuser, and every abuser has their enabler. Trump has his enabler and that’s Mitch McConnell. How do we deal with an abuser and enabler even after the abuser has been kicked to the curb? It’s going to be difficult.





So Trump has lost and Mitch McConnell won’t accept the election results. He’s one of the most powerful men in the country, we might add. Now you can boo. So if you can’t accept the election results, even though you lost by a huge margin, what do you do? Well you sue until you get your way. Think of it like the toddler who screams out of control at the department store until he gets his toy. And yes, Mitch is helping the toddler get his way!





Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump are just like Bruce Banner – don’t make them angry, and when they do, they turn into giant monsters capable of doing enormous and untold damage. So how does Mitch McConnell keep winning time and time again despite that he polls negatively every single time? It is totally baffling to the mind. And Trump’s chief enabler is going to do some serious damage if we’re not careful.





Yes, they do suck all right! We’re venturing into uncharted territory if Trump will not concede the election and he has Mitch McConnell to back him. And let’s not forget that we have two senate runoff elections that could favor democrats and flip the senate toward President Biden’s favor. The election may be over, but we’re not done yet, and come January 20th, here’s what is on McConnell’s agenda if he remains the Senate Majority Leader.





So Mitch McConnell would waste time going after mail in voting despite that this was one of the most secure elections ever. That’s Mitch McConnell, yet another inexplicable candidate who is one of the:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



Of course you know by now that the idea is that there’s so much dark shit out there that we have a few drinks and discuss literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. And hell I’m going to add a provision to this topic in that we also don’t talk about COVID-19. Because seriously it’s on the news 24 hours a day. This week we’re going to talk about celebrities and football teams. And I don’t mean American football. I’m talking European football. And how this got started is that Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhanny of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia fame have teamed up to buy EFL teams on the cheap. So tell me virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about soccer? A cranberry grapefruit vodka? Well that is Deadpool’s favorite drink, but don’t call it a seabreeze! I’ll just stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. It’s all I’ve got in the studio right now. Anyway here’s more.





Ah, I needed that! And that is an unusually large glass of wine by the way! So A list celebrities are buying D list teams. It’s pretty much the reverse of that Will Ferrell basketball movie where a D list celebrity owned a D list team. And Ryan Reynolds isn’t the only one who’s buying football clubs. No sports can have audiences right now, so they are being bought on the cheap.





I can’t wait to see that episode – The Gang Buys A Soccer team! I can just imagine them purchasing a like Z grade club in the garbage part of Philadeliphia, and then Frank tries to become a coach and uses his own dirty tricks to win games. That would be hilarious! And of course Ryan Reynolds is a guy who knows advertising. So leave it to him to do something funny and self-deprecating!




Ah that’s good stuff! So if you don’t know the Wrexham AF football club, you soon will! And when we can get back to having audiences again, Mr. Reynolds and Mr. McElhanny will be there watching the games with you. Also just like being a Patreon subscriber you can get more perks the more you pay for tickets, and you’ll even be able to watch games with the guys themselves!






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! So this week there’s some shenanigans happening. Yes, Biden finally settled the election with a whopping 306 electoral votes and kicked Trump’s fat ass to the curb. But Trump isn’t willing to go quietly! It’s going completely insane and about as well as you’d expect. But you know what? We’ve already covered that for the beginning of this edition and now we’re going to talk about what we should be talking about – President Biden’s transition team. So who is going to be on the team?





So unlike Trump, Biden isn’t packing his administration with partisan and divisive hacks. He’s actually packing the posts with qualified people! Which is what should be done! Though just like the election, there are shenanigans. Which is why Trump needs to be kicked to the curb. Because we need to get through COVID and through this administration. But we can’t do either as long as shit like this is being pulled!





Ha we’ve already had one Apprentice host, last thing we need is another one. So looking for a new job is probably the right move. And while the Trump administration has declared war on “Big Tech”, Biden’s team is actually embracing it. Because unlike Trump trolls, we can say stuff online that doesn’t get immediately flagged! And yes the next time we’ll go into them grilling Mark Zuckerberg (again) about censorship. So here’s what to expect from that!





The other thing that makes Biden’s transition team worth noting is that unlike Trump – whose transition team and cabinet was mostly white, Biden’s is far more diverse. In fact he’s embracing diversity while Trump thinks of diversity as being a very old wooden ship from the Civil War era. And that’s precisely why Biden won and Trump lost – people are rejecting his ideas of hate and racial supremacy.







Programming note: We are off next week for Thanksgiving. We will be running a viewer mail bag Best Of. We will be back in two weeks and beginning our sendoff to this nightmare year that was 2020! And when we come back on 12/2, we will announce the winner of the Trumper Games!

See you in two weeks!

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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 11, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-16: Happy Days Are Here Again Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-16: Happy Days Are Here Again Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? I know, this has been quite a week, hasn’t it? For the first time in five years I feel like I can finally sleep easier at night. Why is that you might ask? WE GOT HIM!!! Holy shit we actually got him! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Kanye West finally conceded! Oh I am kidding. But for this week we’re actually breaking with California protocols and having an audience! It’s a small one but we actually have a live audience for the first time since March and boy does it feel good! Now you might be asking because we have a competent president, what the hell are we going to talk about? Well you know the Top 10 began when Obama was president, because remember when we used to have a competent president? Now, we have a Biden presidency to look forward to. Unfortunately Fox News still exists. And unfortunately even under a Biden presidency conservative idiocy is not going away any time soon. Especially because Trump is hopping mad and he’s planning on stealing the election if he hasn’t already! But yes we finally have new leadership and it’s very much happening. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and his latest show is actually taking the concept of “Last Week Tonight” and making it actually about last week:



We did it!!! And we have a massive Top 10 to celebrate! In the first slot this week is the triumphant return of a fan favorite Top 10 segment – the Trumper Games! And oh boy, I have been waiting four long, excruciating years but we finally get to add @realDonaldTrump (1) to the list of tributes who get eliminated from the contest! Who will be the last left standing? Taking the second slot this week is the 2020 Election (2) and we’re going to profile some of the biggest winners and losers – most notably the state of Kentucky because we are unfortunately stuck with Moscow Mitch for another term. In the third slot this week is the Donald Trump Campaign (3) because oh man this might be one of the biggest presidential screw ups in the history of presidential screw ups! In the #4 slot this week we have another entry in the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected, and the first is Alabama’s new Congressman and former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville (4) – seriously how did this guy beat Doug Jones? It boggles the mind! In the #5 slot this week is Kanye West (5). Oh Yeezy, give it a rest. You had your fun running for president, but you’re an entertainer, stay in your lane! In the #6 slot this week, we’re giving Top 10 Investigates a week off because we have to talk about the insanity coming from the right called “Stop The Steal” – you lost, get over it! That’s what you have told us for the last 4 years anyways! In the number 7 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week our resident pastor is going to show what members of the Christian right are taking sides, and well, it’s going to get ugly the next time you’re actually able to go to church! In the number 8 slot this week is Steve Bannon (8) and people, threatening to murder someone is not cool, so don’t do it! Taking the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week we have a new election edition of People Are Dumb, because even the election hasn’t stopped the stupid from being stupid! Finally this week in Road To The White House, we have even more thoughts on what has been an absolutely insane election season. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Trumper Games
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Hey everybody! I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Yes we are defying orders because we haven’t done this since Top 10 7-3. Yes, it has been a while and there have been some departures but we couldn’t do this segment because well COVID. But this week there has been an absolutely shocking turn of events – there has been an elimination! Yes, there has been one man who everyone has been dying to eliminate. That man is the president himself! Mmmm… yes… this champagne has never tasted so good! But where is my humble man servant Nathaniel? Yes, come on out here, Nathanial! We are celebrating today! Because as of November 7th – our long national nightmare is finally over! But the president himself is refusing to go quietly!





Oh that’s fierce! And the president is hopping mad, people! He is not going to go quietly! Damn it Nathaniel, where is my champagne? Ah here it is! Next time don’t keep me waiting! So how did the President himself get eliminated from the Trumper Games? Well it’s a matter of the fact that well, he’s a raging asshole. And two, there’s nothing graceful about him. But really the president’s biggest victim in all of this is the president himself.





Yes, I love it too! And come on people, do you know the President like we do here at the Trumper Games? Well even members of the president’s own family are telling him that he needs to step down and end this charade. It’s madness. But he won’t. Come on Trump just admit that you lost and you hate being the president so we can get on with our lives already! Seriously – Jim Carrey said it best – Trump is a grade A LOO-HOO-SE-HER.





Yes and anything goes during one of the biggest elections in the deeply divided America that we currently live in. Now kids, I am going to draw a line down the center of the house, and you live on your side and we’ll live on ours. Got that? But as much damage as the President is doing, one thing is for certain – he’s going to burn it all down in a blaze of glory before he goes! But for now consider the President – originally a tribute from the First District – ELIMINATED!!!






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[font size="8"]2020 Election Highlights
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We need some music for this one!



Yes at long last happy days are here again! One thing is for certain – Trump lost!! First incumbent in more than 30 years to not be awarded a second term! And rightfully so. But for this entry we’re going to talk about the highlights of this election – well besides Joe Biden winning and Trump losing, there’s plenty of other hot voting action going on throughout the country. Like senators and always the laughing stock of every single election – the propositions on the ballot in my home state of California. Of which there were many. But before we get into that – let’s talk about Joe Biden winning for a minute. This is truly a momentous occasion that should be celebrated.





That’s right – Trump is one pathetic loser and he’s trying to steal what little he has left in the election – and don’t worry – we will cover that in full next week. But now let’s move on to the second biggest election in the entire country – the Kentucky senate election between Mitch McConnell and Amy McGrath. Don’t boo yet – I can already preemptively hear your boos – but there really wasn’t much of a contest there.





That’s right – Mitch McConnell will remain the leader of the GOP senate unfortunately which means that if the Democratic elections in Georgia prevail, he still could be the deciding vote. Now let’s switch gears and talk about my home state of California. Because no matter what state you’re from, you will have measures on the ballot. But your measures don’t measure to California’s propositions of which there were many. They were varied, and both the yes and no had big money behind them. So what were the big winners and losers?





Yes unfortunately the “gig economy” will stay just that – a gig economy. And don’t worry next week we will dive more into the like 20 or so propositions that were on California’s ballot. But one that we will discuss was the controversial Dialysis measure that required doctors or trained nurses to be on site at all deregulated clinics. That would seem like a no brainer right? WRONG!






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[font size="8"]Rudy Guiliani
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OK I’ll admit it – I’ve only seen 3 episodes of VEEP. And I just finally got around to finishing Parks & Recreation. And I’m aware no campaign – whether it’s for city council or POTUS – is immune from blunders. But this blunder ranks as about one of the biggest blunders in history. I mean no one could have fucked things up the way this turned out am I right? In case you don’t know what I am talking about – on Saturday, while the whole world was celebrating the downfall of Twitter’s @realDonaldTrump, Trump’s attorney Rudy Guiliani gave a press conference and they had an incredibly interesting choice of venue.





I have to say I'm really liking this new direction for Veep, I think the writers are... oh wait I am being told this is real! Seriously??? This actually happened? Someone is getting fired! Yeah that happened! In all seriousness, the Trump campaign started on a gold escalator. Now it’s going to end in the parking lot of a landscaping company next to an adult bookstore. Well the good news is that the shit is being mocked out of this event. Like for instance VR furries!





That’s right you VR explorers can now get your picture taken in front of the now famous landscaping company with people dressed like rabbits and dogs! I mean seriously people are going to look at the year 2020 and go “people lived this way????”. And that guy was president? Oh and here’s where it gets weird – you knew it was going to. You know that guy Guiliani brought up on stage claiming to have evidence of voter fraud? Guess what? He’s a registered sex offender! No shit!





Yeah I think even Jesus would roll his eyes at this one! But in case you’re wondering – yes the Four Seasons Total Landscaping company is having a sense of humor about the incident. That’s right – they’re merchandising the SNAFU! Merchandising, merchandising – that’s where the real money from the political SNAFUs are made! Hell there’s even a fun run for Philly fun runners!






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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Tommy Tuberville

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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week – Alabama’s Tommy Tuberville. How did this guy beat Doug Jones? Well it is Alabama and they can never elect anybody blue. And if someone who happens to have a “D” next to their name in the Yellowhammer State manages to survive an election, chances are that they do not last very long. So who is Tommy Tuberville if you don’t know? Well he’s the former football coach who took Auburn University from zeroes to heroes. That’s right – a football coach is now a United States senator. God bless America, right? Right?





Well at least Nelson has a sensitive side. But in case you are wondering what Tuberville’s former players and staff think of him running for senate, well it’s about as mixed of a bag as you can possibly get. Some of course are for it, and others are against it. But of course his loyalty to Donald Trump will always be the 800 pound gorilla in the room. And Tuberville is very much on board the Trump train.





So Tuberville may have had the longest streak of beating the mighty Alabama Crimson Tide – which would be like the Miami Marlins beating the New York Yankees to win the World Series – and his platform is just about as Trumpian as you can get. In fact you could also see that he’s like a mini me version of Trump. But will Tuberville’s plan of avoiding every issue play out in the Senate? Probably not.





Yeah probably. Well now that Tuberville has become a senator – there’s his record on the field which is spectacular, if you’re into that sort of thing. Then there’s his record off the field – which like most athletes supporting far right policies, is questionable. And if you dig deeper, Tuberville is quite the shady businessman. Which makes him a perfect representation of the GOP!





So questionable choices on and off the field, defrauding a charity, and actively avoiding the issues. That’s Tommy Tuberville, yet another to add in the ever-growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Kanye West
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Did anyone really think that Kanye West had a legitimate chance to become president? We’ve spent the last four months covering his batshit crazy attempt to become leader of the free world. And he’s going about doing this the same rate as Wiley Coyote trying to catch the Road Runner. And you might be asking what was the point of Kanye’s campaign? Well we pointed out in Top 10 #9-11 that the whole point of Kanye’s campaign was to siphon votes from Biden to help Trump. But it turns out that plan backfired on him spectacularly. Although you know the real sad thing? People actually voted for him! That’s right – hold your boos!





OK Kanye we get it! So what was the point of this whole experiment? If he runs third party you know that he doesn’t have a chance in hell. So who is the Kanye voter? Everyone knows how toxic and dangerous Trump is, and then there’s a certain group of people who will never vote Democratic no matter how hard you convince them. But here’s what people who voted for Yeezy actually had to say about voting for him.





That’s the last thing America needs – is another unstable jackass with questionable mental health and ties to the extreme religious right running the White House. I mean come on, how badly do we need to be punished here? And what did we do wrong? I want to know!!! But the thing is, as unorganized and unplanned as Kanye’s clusterfuck of a campaign was, there’s no denying he had some influence on how future campaigns will be run. Yeah, we’re screwed.





Yeah that’s the kind of guy we need running the free world. And if you think that he’s going away anytime soon, well, you don’t know Kanye. And if you think that it’s easy to make fun of Trump, just think of the material that a Kanye administration will provide! Oh and by the way, people who say it’s their “calling” to be the leader of America, are the ones who probably shouldn’t be anywhere near the White House.






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[font size="8"]Stop The Steal
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Holy shit, Trump super fans are going to provide me with no shortage of material through the remainder of the Trump presidency and beyond. There’s still five states that are inexplicably unaccounted for – Alaska, North Carolina, Nevada, Arizona, and Georgia. Now depending on what state you go to – Trump fans have conflicting messages but both want the same outcome – they think that Democrats are attempting to steal the election. Even though Trump himself is the one stealing it, and the New York Times polled all 50 states and found no evidence of voter fraud. Ah, who am I kidding? This is the Trump administration! Facts don’t matter, only unfiltered outrage does! So who are they accusing of what exactly?





Oh god what are you people rabbling about again? Seriously it’s time for you to shut up and let the adults run the country again. You snowflakes can go run to Parler and engage in white supremacist circle jerks for the rest of time. So one state in particular – has been the product of conservative anger and that’s Nevada, even though Joe is leading by a sizable margin there and they have the least amount of votes. I mean come on really, grow up guys.






Well that is a good point! So who’s organizing these protests and what do they hope to accomplish? So one of these guys is Ali Alexander, a high profile Trump troll who is the very definition of a guy who is voting against his best interests. And the way he’s being funded is by people who willfully give him some money through online payment apps like Paypal and Venmo. Yeah this guy is a real piece of work, we may have to profile him for a future “This Fucking Guy”.





Seriously where is that guy when you need him? And by the way in case you were wondering, yes, the group is advocating for violence. And yes, Facebook banned them. But you can only keep trolls banned for so long before they start coming out of the woodwork. And they keep popping up elsewhere. Of course think of this as playing a game of Whack-A-Troll. These morons aren’t going away, they’re just getting both louder and dumber.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know this has been a trying time but we have finally emerged victorious! That is right! For one thing we are no longer virtual! We have a church again! Of course we lack things like an actual collection plate and our famous gospel choir, but we are slowly getting back to normal! That said we are once again going to test the religious requirements of IRS 501(c) because that’s what our brothers and sisters on the right are doing. And they are getting weirder, crazier, and more violent with their rhetoric. Which is what I’m sure the GOOD LAWRD JAYSUS had intended! Oh wait, he didn’t intend this. Let’s start with someone who I think is one of the craziest people on the religious right – Mark Taylor, that’s right, the Liberty University fake profit just won’t shut up.





That’s right – the Devil walks among us!!! Or does he? Apparently according to these weirdos, we’re the ones to blame for America not voting the way GAWD intended! But the unholy Dark One, whose name shall not be mentioned in my church, has a spiritual advisor. I mean come on really, that is so hilarious but is not that unexpected! Oh and in case you are wondering she’s as crazy as he is!

Trump spiritual adviser and campaign surrogate Paula White hosted a second post-election prayer service Thursday night, during which she once again declared God’s intention to put President Donald Trump back in the White House and denounced the demonic forces she said are trying to derail God’s plans and Trump’s reelection. As on Wednesday, she was joined by her son Brad Knight.

“God has already settled his mind” about the election, White said. “We will override any will of man over the mind of God.”

White explained that “the Lord has already made his decision” but that there is a “spiritual battle” going on. She said that she was going to lead people in spiritual warfare to overturn “every evil wickedness” that was coming “against this nation and beyond this nation, what this nation is assigned to, what this nation has to carry forth with the gospel of Jesus Christ, with the prosperity of other nations, with the alignment of the church.”

“You said you will mow down the wickedness,” White prayed, adding:
https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/paula-white-asks-god-to-override-will-of-man-and-keep-trump-in-office-her-son-urges-god-to-bring-rage-and-fury-against-those-who-resist-him/



That’s right – he’s the devil!!! But that isn’t stopping those who claim to be righteous from openly supporting the unholy Dark One! In fact this is the hill on which they are willing to die. And they’re not going away folks. Oh no. expect the rhetoric coming from our brothers and sisters on the right to get more violent and more crazy in the coming months! This is the kind of thing that their hard earned dollars get collected on Sunday for!





Whoa, the Reverend is getting uppity! And here’s the thing guys – you’re not prophets! And you deserve to be mocked because you say some unbelievably stupid and crazy shit. Yes, we’re allowed to swear in my church. I make the rules. So maybe if you stop saying stupid things and stop supporting batshit crazy ideologies, maybe we might take you seriously for a change!





Oh if you think we will stop mocking you, you are wrong! You deserve every bit of it! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Hello again everyone and welcome back to the segment where we attempt to explain the things that cannot be explained, Conspiracy Corner! We of course are broadcasting this from an underground Doomsday Prepper shelter from deep in the alkalai flats of the New Mexico badlands – undisclosed location of course! Well our favorite crazy pseudo-religious cult known as Q Anon just refuses to go away. Even when Dear Leader does not get reelected. But they are getting out of the basement and going to Congress! Well of all the Q supporting candidates that ran in states like Florida, Georgia, and Colorado, one won. That is Marjorie Taylor Green. And if they actually got into Congress they could do some damage.





You have to be crazy to believe in Q Anon. But of all the candidates who ran, one stands out above the rest and that is Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene. How did Greene worm her way into Congress? Well of course I don’t have to remind you that Q Anon believes in a baseless conspiracy theory about a secret society of Satanic pedophiles that rule the landscape and they’re all about to be doxed. But there’s no doxing going on here.





Yeah probably! But here’s the thing – MIT’s Technology review pointed out that Congress actually had a hearing on how dangerous Q Anon was becoming. They started out as just a group of people we could laugh at. But now it’s getting real. In fact so real that they’ve actually got a foot in the door. And this is a reason why nobody should pay attention to conspiracy theorists. And when you do you probably shouldn’t have.





We’re not surprised at all that nobody from the conservative side attended that hearing. Getting in bed with Q Anon is like eating that monster party sub. Sure it starts out to potentially be great. By the time you’re three feet in, the lettuce has wilted and the mayo is starting to turn. And then by the time you’re halfway through you’re already sick of it. Then nobody gets to the end of the sandwich and you wind up throwing it in the dumpster. But that said, Q Anon should probably be ignored.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb

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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. It’s been a while since we have done one of these, but there’s no shortage of stupid people. That’s one thing that will be a constant even in the Biden administration. First off, everyone should know that impersonating a police officer is a felonious offense right? Hell I learned that from the Simpsons episode where Marge is a police officer. And even if you do abuse your fake police officer privileges, is using it for fast food really the way you should go? Well that said, this might be one of the dumbest examples we’ve seen of someone abusing their right to be a fake police officer.





Maybe don’t give that guy a badge. Next up – remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer buys a Monkey’s Paw and it gives him three wishes? Well in India there’s a story of men who were tricked into buying Aladdin’s lamp. Now come on really this is a special kind of stupid here because everyone knows that’s fake and Robin Williams won’t pop out of the lamp when you rub it, right?





Yes, please clap! Next up – we go to the Land Down Under. That’s Australia don’t you know? Well there’s stupid criminals as much as there are stupid police. And by stupid police I mean cops who do dumb shit. Let’s be clear here. Here’s the thing too – everyone is afraid of being involved in violence, but would you ever mistake a plant for a weapon? I mean come on when plants are outlawed…





Next up – remember that scene from Vegas Vacation when Randy Quaid’s cousin Eddie cooks chicken on some hot desert rocks instead of a grill? Well just because they’re called “hot springs” doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re meant for cooking safely or sanitarily. After all we’re in one pandemic and the last thing we need is another one! Seriously people cook your food safely!





I like how even the bottle and glass get deep fried! Finally this week – we go of course to the Sunshine State, America’s most penis-shaped state, the state of Florida. Seriously where would this segment be without the state of Florida? They never fail to provide the crazy. And someone who eats fast food, I love a good fast food rage story. Give me a story about a guy who calls 911 because McDonalds didn’t give him the right chicken nugget sauce and I’m in! Here’s one where a guy melted down because Checkers ran out of lettuce. Come on!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our ongoing segment covering our now 46th president’s historic election in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! We did it! Joe Biden is our 46th president! Or is he? He may have got 279 electoral votes but Trump is still refusing to concede. And it’s quite possibly the stuff of pure insanity. Remember during the beginning of his term I said that he’d go full Howard Hughes? Well that distinct possibility still remains. Well Trump of course is the egomaniacal narcissist everyone thought he was. And he’s attempting to stall and delay what is ultimately going to be the inevitable – he lost! And he’d better get used to losing because I forsee a lot of that in his future!





Yeah probably. Trump blames everybody but himself for the things he’s done and it’s not surprising that we’re here now. And not only did we predict that Trump is going full Howard Hughes, he’s also going full dictator in his quest to hang onto the White House. But it’s slipping. And we want to know what Trump’s end game is. He has no path to reelection and like we said it’s just delaying the inevitable.





Yes, run along Trump. It’s time to get the adults back in charge. Because if you don’t concede not only does it make you look bad, it makes your whole party look bad. Oh who am I kidding? This is the republicans we are talking about here – there’s nothing you can do to make them look embarrassing despite that they constantly look embarrassing!





I’m not sure that’s quite how that works. But never the less we are going to keep an eye on the situation as it develops because Trump is going full dictator and that’s not a good thing. And if he somehow flips the election, he could install a dictatorship. And he’d have the Supreme Court backing him. But they’re going about finding voter fraud in the same way that Wiley Coyote chases the Road Runner. And they’re bringing in their arsenal of defective Acme products to do so!







See you next week!

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October 21, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-15: Wouldn't It Be Nice Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-15: Wouldn’t It Be Nice Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? This is our last Top 10 before the regular election. Now you might be wondering – why is this? And I answer you, sir or madam, is that this is the most important election of our lifetime and we can’t afford any screwups. I will be taking two weeks off because you don’t need my commentary or tomfoolery. I mean I appreciate you viewing our little program here, but you can definitely do without me until the election. What? Just my commentary and a few mildly amusing jokes interspliced with some Simpons GIFs? Yeah no I am not needed this week or next. Because we have 14 fucking days until the end of this thing and we’ve covered the entirety of the Donald J. Trump administration over 4 years and 216 editions, that’s 2,160 entries. And I know y’all haven’t seen a lot of these, so if you’re looking for some fresh content, just go check out one of the older editions and pretend it’s a new one. I’m just going to sit here and browse Simpsons related Twitter feeds on my phone. Hey, I voted. It’s time for everyone else to do the same! So go, go on, vote. We will come back once the dust has settled on 11/11. Once we hand Trump the eviction notice he so badly deserves, we can get back to having life again. OK that’s enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Jon Oliver is back and he delves into why the World Health Organization is important and why the US is making a mistake not to participate:



So where do we begin for our final Top 10 before the 2020 election to end all elections? The top slot this week is going to go to of course the guy who we currently and inexplicably still call president, Donald J. Trump (1). Yeah so he enlisted the reigning kings of fake news, the New York Post, in an attempt to smear Hunter Biden, and it backfired on him to the point where he and his supporters got kicked off of social media outlets! So much for the “October Surprise”. In the second slot this week, is also Donald J. Trump (2) and despite that there’s still a raging pandemic, he isn’t stopping his super-spreader rallies, and his one in Iowa last week was particularly insane. In the number 3 slot this week is California Republicans (3) – they have had quite the banner week whether it was Gavin Newsom fighting with Trump or some light election fraud, we’ve got everything boiled down to a single entry! In the fourth slot this week is Conservative Rappers (4). Yes, this is a thing and it’s not just limited to Kanye, everyone from 50 Cent to Ice Cube is weighing in their opinions on the election! In the number 5 slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, and this week we’re going to take a look at COVID cures – the WHO found 4 to be completely bogus, and one is Trump’s favorite drug of choice, hydroxycholorquine! I’m shocked, shocked I tell you! Taking the 6th slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week the Vatican has been putting priests on trial! Our resident pastor is going to dial up his Pope Hotline to find out what’s up! Taking the 7th slot this week is a new This Fucking Guy (7) and while Trump has been harping on Hunter Biden, we profile his idiot sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr! In the 8th slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and the right still will not shut up about Benghazi and I’m not going to point fingers, but it goes all the way to the president! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week we have a new I Need A Drink and this week we’re going to get drunk and finally talk about politics, because Ice Cube has been pegged as a Trump supporter and it’s causing the internet to lose their minds! But whose side is he really on? Finally this week in Road To The White House (10), it’s our last one before the election and we’re going to have our final thoughts on what has been a certainly insane primary that got hijacked by COVID-19. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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OK so you know how every single election going back to 1960 there’s always some sort of gigantic breaking news story like two weeks before the election that seems to favor one candidate over another that puts themselves in a position to win it all? Well it happened back in 2016 when the Comey Hillary e-mail story first broke. Trump got a taste of the high life in 2016 when he first won. This time, 4 years later, he’s again try to find the proverbial “October Surprise”. Only this time he’s completely full of shit and we know that he’s completely full of shit. Trump is attempting to lay the smackdown on Hunter Biden using his fixer and it’s backfiring on him big time.





That is a good question – why? Well Trump is a mob boss and he’s using his fixer to fix the election by trying to make Hunter Biden look like the most corrupt POS on the face of the planet. But he’s really not, and neither is his father. That’s the thing – Trump is trying to throw shade where there isn’t, and people are finally starting to see through his lies and red tape, and are finally getting bored of the MAGA movement in general. But what about Trump’s own kids – mainly his daughter Ivanka and her equally shady husband Jared?





Um… just a little? This is a whole lot of shade. It’s a boat load of shade. And once again like literally all things with Trump, it all comes back to Russia. That’s right – the Russkies might be involved in influencing Trump’s Hunter Biden smear. I mean isn’t it obvious by now? If you hang with Trump you’re going to get a virus, and the Russians might be involved somehow. But really it’s seriously weird how everything with Trump almost always comes back to Russia.





And speaking of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, the GOP’s equivalent of Kevin Bacon, Rudy Guilaini, somehow has his creepy claws in this story and well this is where it gets weird. And once again he tends to fuck everything up that he touches. And if the mob – Trump and Guiliani are involved – that’s when things start to go fuck up. Just remember kids – if Rudy comes out and sees his shadow, that means 8 more months of nuclear winter!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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We are literally two weeks away from the election where we will hopefully send our current and inexplicable president Donald Trump and the Christian right the eviction notice that they wholeheartedly deserve. And he’s losing it big time. I wanted to talk about his Iowa rally but then he had to come to my home turf of Orange County and throw quite the shit show of one of last and final stops on the World COVID Deplorable Tour 2020. The venue? Newport Beach and the support? None other than the legendary group the Beach Boys. And that’s mainly what I wanted to talk about for this entry – the feud between the Beach Boys is still going strong 60 years later!





Yes, wouldn’t it be nice? I mean even two of the original Beach Boys – that’s Brian Wilson and Al Jardine – have condemned this idiotic fundraiser appearance. And we’re still in the middle of the COVID pandemic so that makes having concerts even worse! So yes the third remaining original member of the legendary group – Mike Love – is a MAGA! So the Beach Boys were already apart as a band, Mike Love being a MAGA is making it even worse!





That was the Beach Boys way back when! I can hear grandparents back then complaining about music then, and our grandparents complain about music now, and soon when we’re grandparents, we’ll be complaining about our grandkids’ music! See how that cycle works? And speaking of grandpa complaining about music, actual musicians are weighing in on this controversy, like David Crosby, for instance!





Wrong band, man! Oh and you know how when a musician starts talking about their political opinions and then a million people jump on them and yell “STAY IN YOUR LANE!!!”. Well our good friend Jason Isbell, of his band Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit, has a solution for that. And that is basically to shut the fuck up! And we support this opinion whole-heartedly! Just shut up and sing and pay the troll toll!






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[font size="8"]California Republicans
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Sigh… this is why we don’t get nice things. As you know the governor of my home state, the great state of California, is in a war with Trump over funding for disaster relief. And then Trump did what he always does – flip flop! You don’t mess with the Newsom! Yes, that’s the title of this week’s edition and it was the best I could come up with at the time. But that’s not what this entry is about. The republicans of California are pure fucking evil. I mean come on, we’re the state that gave the country Devin Nunes of all people. This week the California conservatives have been caught trying to rig the election and they’re failing miserably at it.





Yeah where’s that lawyer when you need him? Seriously if you’re in one of the counties affected by the fake ballot boxes, you might want to register for Track My Ballot. But yeah this is a fight that started out with some intention and then just fizzled out. Make no mistake that the GOP is trying to rig the election and so far the numerous attempts they have had is almost like Natasha and Boris trying to catch Moose and Squirrel! Ha, I pulled that reference out of my hat!





Now here’s where this fight gets weird and you knew it was going to. Of course I’ve been saying this about everything that’s been happening in this incredibly shitty and dark year that is 2020. So pretty close to where we tape the Top 10 in normal times is the town of Baldwin Park – that’s the home to Knotts Berry Farm, don’t you know? Well, a ballot box caught fire there and well, it might be arson.





Yeah so everything burns, and so do ballot boxes. This is getting seriously scary and we have 13 days until the election people! We need to get our shit together! We have Joe Biden, or the biggest asshole who’s ever called himself a leader since Adolf Hitler. The good news is that the criminals will be found and prosecuted and the FBI is on it!






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[font size="8"]Black Rappers
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Black Rappers, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you been listening to Kanye again? Don’t you know that’s bad for you? Well I’m sure that you saw Ice Cube trending on Twitter last week. You know Ice Cube – friend of the show. Multi-platinum recording artist. Star of some of the best comedies and movies of the last 20 years. And now apparently he’s a MAGA for some reason. Well let’s get to the bottom of this controversy. Because last week, somehow he was outed as a MAGA, and social media just collectively lost their shit. But if you’re like Mr. Cube and you somehow see this election as a lesser of two evils, can’t you see that Biden is the lesser of two evils? I mean really?





So that begs the question – is Ice Cube a MAGA or not? Well in addition to the Ice Cube controversy, another rapper has thrown his hat into the political ring. 50 Cent has outed himself as a MAGA because – wait for it – Trump is promising to lower his taxes! God after this election is over, I need to go take a cold shower, and bury my head in the sand until January 20th. Yes, 50 Cent is a MAGA.





Roll credits! Now here’s where it gets weird. And you knew it was going to. Apparently Eric Trump got a hold of a picture that shows Ice Cube and 50 Cent together to apparently prove some bizarre theory that the two know each other, naturally they must be MAGA BFFs right? I mean seriously that’s the kind of shit third world dictators do to prove that people like them, when secretly we despise their guts!





But wait! There’s more! Here’s where it gets even weirder! The idiot Trump brothers are attempting to race bait Joe Biden and it’s backfiring on them! This is one of the strangest stories in the hip hop world since the Bernie Sanders / Public Enemy debacle back in March (see: Top 10 #8-9 ). Bottom line is that you don’t mix politics and hip-hop, and we’re saying this since we know Ice Cube wrote a song about Trump called “Arrest The President”!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Hydroxychloroquine II
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Science is desperate to find a cure for the novel coronavirus that showed up back in March and has wrecked our lives and ruined this year. But so far many attempts have been tried and almost none have succeeded. In fact since President Trump came into contact with COVID-19, his methods of treatment have been questionable at best. Most notably in the spotlight is hydroxcholorquine, a drug that is commonly used to treat lyme disease. It has been adopted by the anti-mask movement as a symbol that COVID can be cured. But can it really? In fact new studies have proven just the opposite and that a lot of the “proven cures” for COVID are nothing more than bogus snake oil. Here’s what the FDA is finding out lately.





Except that Panda Virus isn’t really a thing. At least we’re hoping that’s not a thing. So hydroxycholorquine is proving to be nothing more than a bunch of snake oil. Now that said, the anti-maskers are making a claim that Uganda has a low case count because they’ve embraced hyrdoxycholorquine in the EasternAfrican country. That’s simply not the case. That is shocking, we know. But we live in a world where facts are irrelevant!





So hydroxychloroquine Is a no. But what about the president’s other drug of choice, Remdesivir? That on the other hand has been proven to work. If you listen to actual scientists instead of your creepy racist uncle on Facebook, then you know that Remdesivir is a drug that is worth exploring further. But don’t buy into the conspiracy theories surrounding hydroxychloroquine on Facebook, because those simply aren’t true.





So the next time anyone you know starts spouting conspiracy theories based on hydroxycholorquine on Facebook, you might just want to know that it’s a steaming load of bullshit. Also keep in mind that politicians and senators who are praising the drug have absolutely no idea what they are talking about, and that we need a president who listens to science, not quacks. Unfortunately right now we have a president who listens to quacks and we won’t get any real answers anytime soon.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates! Good day!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know the world is very weird and a very dark place right now. And it doesn’t get much darker than the Vatican. Now we’ve been avoiding this topic as much as we can because it’s our policy not to make fun of extremely dark situations. So this week, I am instead going to marvel at the utter insanity that is the Holy Catholic Church. Because as the Dude himself said, this aggression will not stand, man! I mean this situation is so utterly horrifying, but hey what happens at the Vatican stays at the Vatican, am I right? Well, Holy Mother Church has a much different talking point than what we’re used to on this subject.





Now seriously, why the fuck would any parent allow their boys to participate in the Catholic Church these days knowing what everybody knows about this religion? I mean this is so fucked up that there’s no way you could possibly make fun of it, so we won’t try. Really if the Catholics want to earn respect I think they need to clean up their organization and this is going to be a start at least!





Yeah but definitely not this! I mean I really might have to go take a cold shower after this because it’s insane. But how does the church keep getting away with this? It’s because they don’t care, the Vatican controls the laws for the priests to follow, they can keep pushing back the actual trials as long as they want to! I’m not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure that’s not how the law works! Oh wait, they want GAWD’s law! Because GAWD and JAYSUS rule all!





Something tells me I don’t want to see video of that meeting, but I am sure that it went like that! But you might think these are the only trials involving priests. Oh no my fair congregation! This isn’t a comedy this is a horror movie! I mean even Kevin Smith couldn’t come up with something as creepy and weird as the modern day Catholic Church. Like I said I might need to go take a cold shower after this one because this was pretty disturbing, my friends!





Holy shit indeed! Whew, this one got dark! My producer is getting fired tomorrow and we’re never touching this subject again! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is actually a twofer – Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump. While their father, the 45th president of the United States, and is somehow still inexplicably holding onto the job, Donald J. Trump, is trying to throw shade at Joe Biden’s son Hunter Biden, let’s not forget these two exist! Let’s first not forget that these are what one might call “children of privilege” in that they’ve grown up around obscene wealth and their father is also president! Man I bet that makes for some awkward Thanksgivings and Christmases, doesn’t it? Well let’s look at where the two are headed for the rest of the campaign trail! Trump Jr and his crazy girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle are headed to Woodstock because reasons.





Yeah that’s what happens when you don’t get the rights to your songs or character! But that said the Trump clan is full of some absolutely shady characters. What is Trump Jr campaigning about? Well he claims that his campaign And here’s the thing Don Jr. – Big Tech is not out to get conservatives, that’s a steaming load of bullshit. They are however, out to get assholes. Being conservative and being an asshole tend to go hand in hand!





Yeah cue the Sad Hulk Music for that one! So while Donny Jr is sitting in bed wallowing in his sorrows about how social media websites are big meanie heads and won’t let him say the racist and sexist drivel conservatives are known for, his brother Eric Trump is proving to be just as big of a moron as he is! Yes, Eric is accusing Joe Biden of squatting! Yes, Eric thinks Joe Biden lives in a house he doesn’t own!





And by the way in case you’re wondering if they couldn’t possibly be any dumber, just look at where Eric Trump was planning on having a campaign stop. Remember last week when those scary looking white guys attempted to kidnap Governor Whitman? Well one of Eric Trump’s stops apparently included stopping at the gun shop where the men were known to congregate! Yeah even the best comedy writers in the world couldn’t come up with this shit!





So feeling sorry for themselves because they can’t be assholes on social media and campaigning at gun shops where violent government overthrows were being planned. That’s the sons of the president – Donald Trump Jr and Eric Trump – this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Yes folks it’s a new edition of Conspiracy Corner! When there’s things in the news that can’t be explained, we naturally turn to conspiracy theories. And they’re just getting weirder and nuttier by the day! We are of course coming to you live from a remote location deep in the alakali flats of the New Mexico badlands – you know the same place where Walter White ran a meth lab out of the back of an RV. Just allow me to adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… and you know what there we go! So this week, it’s been announced that Facebook – purveyors of getting your creepy uncle’s racist rants out there since 2005, is banning that Trump-loving social movement known as Q Anon, though Q Anon is really just a creepy cult!





Yes so when you surrender yourself to Q Anon, just remember that Trump is equal parts God, Rambo, John McClane, Rocky Balboa, and Dirty Harry combined. And everyone who doesn’t agree with his politics is a satanic pedophile. But why do they have to bring Satan into it? That’s a mystery! Because everyone knows even Satan wouldn’t do that sort of thing. Even crazier is that this is happening after the group known as Q formed! And now Q Anon is going international!



But that said

Seriously a little crazy? This a screeching violin short of being full blown Norman Bates level psychotic, and in normal times we’d take people like this and lock them in insane asylums complete with straight jackets and padded walls. This is some seriously crazy shit. Conspiracy theories like Q are really nothing new, but when you consider that Trump himself is a conspiracy theorist, he is only amplifying the crazy!





Yes!!! This is a theory that goes all the way to the president! Of course all theories do go all the way to the president. After all this is the presidency of, by and for late night conspiracy theory talk shows. But what happens when a conspiracy goes too far? It’s like the My Chemical Romance song says “This is for the broken, the beaten and the damned.”. So if you ever wonder how groups like ISIS, the Taliban, and Al Qaeda came to be, look no further than Q Anon!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! So who is dumb this week you might ask? Well I answer you good sir or madam. I want to start with this batshit story out of the Badger State – the great state of Wisconsin! We go to the town of Eau Claire for this story and it might be the single craziest People Are Dumb story that I’ve ever covered – “Mother let dog run loose in Wisconsin Walmart and performed a series of karate moves while son stripped naked, police say”. Yes that is a thing that happened! And well enough of my ramblings, I will let the story do the talking, and it’s one of the craziest ones yet!





Yeah I’m really guessing that “stripping naked in a Wal-Mart” doesn’t qualify as “great skills”, now does it? Next up – rap music! Yes, even the music industry has its’ fair share of idiots (and yes, I’m looking at you, Takeshi Six6 Nine9 or whatever your name is). But this guy might be one of the worst offenders in an industry that has spawned many! And this story is why I wanted to do a People Are Dumb segment this week. So yeah if you’re going to commit fraud against the government, maybe don’t sing about it before you commit the crime!





Next up – dumb computers! Yes, even these machines that have so greatly enhanced (or not) our lives can also be stupid! Such is the case with the St. John’s Onion Company out of Newfoundland, Canada where their advertising for their signature product – onions – was apparently deemed too sexy by Facebook! I mean come on, anyone with a food fetish can certainly see the sex characteristics of the onion, with all its’ curves… right? I mean right???





Yeah maybe don’t listen to that guy! Next up – good old Florida! And where would be without the craziest state in the union? Well first off if you can afford to rent a $200,000 Porsche – good for you, you still have a job in 2020! But if you get to rent a car as luxurious as a Porsche, maybe don’t go for a joyride in it, especially when you’re the only one who rented it! Yeah that makes you easy to identify.





That’s true! Finally this week – once again sticking with America’s most penis-shaped state, the great state of Florida – you know that Halloween is coming up and naturally there’s going to be all sorts of stories like this! And really guys, there’s plenty of ways to kill demons but giving your kids guns probably isn’t the best way to do this. You do know that Zombieland is just a movie right?





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: The Final Thought

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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there. This week it’s our final thoughts on what has been an absolutely insane 2020 that got completely upended by a virus that has stalled campaigning and sent Joe Biden underground while Donald Trump goes and conducts business as usual which has well, not been good for him. But let’s not forget about the incumbent president. While the primaries were insane and we finally have a real leader in Joe Biden, let’s not forget about Trump. In fact this has had one of the worst outcomes that a presidential campaign stop can have, because well, Trump has been linked to COVID. And yes as I have repeatedly stated here, if you hang with Donald Trump, you’re gonna get a virus. I’m just saying it happens!





Gee, who could have seen that one coming? We’re in the home stretch of the campaign and Biden is playing it safe while Trump is being completely reckless and irresponsible. But you know what? Trump is doing this for us everybody! That’s right – he’s an everyday con man and he’s keeping you in your house and making sure you have access to all the supplies you need to keep you through this pandemic! Oh and did I mention that this is all a steaming load of bullshit?





That’s right Trump, you’re fired! And let’s not forget that he’s such an asshole that he can’t stand even the slightest bit of negative press! That’s right, and that’s why he’s so afraid of people like Amorosa, who wrote a tell all book two years ago! But that raises another problem – he’s a delinquent when it comes to paying his bills! Not only does he stiff cities with security for his rallies, he doesn’t pay his bills!





That’s right – everything burns! And Trump is burning money so fast that he can’t seem to keep a positive balance! I wanted to talk positively about how the Democrats are handling things, but I’m having way too much fun bashing Trump instead. Let’s not forget the fact that the man is fucking broke and he seems to spend money faster than he can keep it. My final thought – do you really want this man to continue running our government? Do you? @realDonaldTrump, guess what? You’re fired.







All right folks, this is it. This is the real deal. I’ve spent 4 whole years covering the Donald J. Trump administration – from the time he wormed his way down that gold escalator to his Newport Beach COVID rally. I don’t need to tell you how high the stakes are here. I am preaching to the choir. Go out and vote. Get out the vote! We’ll be here waiting for you when you get back! We will be running a best of next week and 11/4 will go dark. We will be back in full on 11/11 with a brand new edition and I will be either in a good mood or ready to throw my TV out the window!

See you in three weeks!

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 14, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-14: Pretty Fly For A Really White Guy Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-14: Pretty Fly For A Really White Guy Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? Seriously didn’t this last week feel like it was an entire year? I know! Can I gloat for a minute? It’s about damn time a team I root for won it all! I’m of course talking about the Los Angeles Lakers! Yes, congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers for winning their 17th title in NBA history! Thank you canned audience! I mean seriously, ever since that horrifying helicopter crash that took the life of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna, and 7 others, nothing has gone right this year. But I think last night was a turning point because the Lakers got their title and were able to dedicate it to Kobe on what has otherwise been an extremely shitty year. So yeah since February we haven’t really had much to celebrate and we’re looking at a nightmare scenario for the transition period after Trump loses to Biden and that’s going to be ugly. And yes I have watched nearly every game in the NBA bubble in Orlando because it’s a pandemic and everyone is bored as hell. But that said, congratulations again to the 2020 Los Angeles Lakers for winning it all! OK that’s enough of the intro so we have a lot of idiocy to cover in the weeks leading up to the election. But first Bill Maher is back and he has a dire warning and nightmare scenario laid out should Trump decide that he’s not going to concede to Biden:



We’re just a mere 3 weeks away from the 2020 election and it’s shaping up to be quite the shit show we all knew it would be, wouldn’t it? Taking the first slot this week is our vice president Mike Pence (1) and the debate between Mike Pence and Kamala Harris was quite the shit show, but we can all agree that the fly on Pence’s head was the star of the show, am I right? Even Joe Biden had some fun with the buzz in the room! Taking the second slot this week, is our current and inexplicable president, Donald J. Trump – he has not only infected the whole West Wing, but he’s very slowly losing his mind! At slot #3 is Donald Trump Supporters. Remember his infamous “LIBERATE MICHIGAN!” tweet back in April? Well it inspired some real home grown terrorism, and well, this one fucked up situation! Taking the fourth slot this week is also Donald Trump (4) and this week after all the batshit crazy things he’s done, Nancy Pelosi is finally discussing the 25th Amendment! In the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and you may have noticed plexiglass barriers everywhere due to COVID-19 but what do they do and how effective are they? Taking the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week - are we fighting a holy war? The evangelical crowd is suggesting yes, but our resident pastor has a different theory! In the seventh slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse – and Saturday Night Live (7) once again attempted to cater to Trump fans by having a country music guy on – and one who’s known for partying and he has been partying hard in the middle of a pandemic! At slot #8 is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, everyone’s favorite (?) theorists Jacob Wohl and Jack Berkman are finally throwing in the towel and turning themselves in. I can’t wait to see the future movie about them starring Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week in Road To The White House – Trump is bailing on the debates and going on his virtual Deplorable Tour! Yes, he is actively losing his mind! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Mike Pence
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We need some music for this one!



Yeah love me some Offspring! I don’t know if anyone saw the Vice Presidential debates but it was quite the shit show that everyone had expected. Kamala did great at the debate, as was expected, and Mike Pence showed himself off as Trump’s mini me. But there was an unexpected star of the show during the 2 hour shit show, and that was that a fly unexpectedly landed on Pence’s head and stayed there for a whole two minutes. And if you watched the whole thing you can see that well, even Pence himself didn’t know about it! But that’s to be expected, I mean flies are drawn to horseshit. Hey o!!! But yeah, like most things just walk it off!





Unfortunately Bart’s head wasn’t on the fly. But that said it was absolutely hilarious that this happened, but no one in the Trump administration has a sense of humor and is able to laugh about themselves, so that’s that. But that’s kind of sad when you’re such a transparent person that the fly not only outranks you in the debate but actually steals your thunder! Mike Pence is such a soulless, animatronic excuse for a human that he shows no emotion over this, nor does he have a sense of humor about it.





I think having a killer spider might make things even worse! But really no one took the liberty of naming the fly? That’s pretty lame! Seriously, even the fly has more charisma than Mike Pence does. In this otherwise extremely dark and depressing year, we need things that make us laugh. And this was definitely one of them, even both sides can agree on! If that’s pretty fly for a white guy, this is Pretty Fly For A Really White Guy!





Yeah where’s a Venus Fly Trap when you need it? Oh and in case you’re wondering – yes the fly already has its’ own brand of merchandise! Merchandising – that’s where the real money from this administration is made! My personal favorite – even though Joe is already selling his own brand of fly swatter, there’s the Mike Pence fly bobblehead! That’s right this is a thing that exists!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Trump not only got infected with, but has been spreading the very virus that he has been calling a hoax since this February! Well we’ve been following the events of this potential walking biohazard returning to the White House, and it’s been quite the shit show that you would absolutely expect from the Trump White House. When Biden gets in, he’s going to need to do some serious fumigation to not only get COVID out, but to get the smell of stupid out of the damn room! Thank you canned audience! Man I miss having an audience. But yes, Trump is turning the White House into a biohazard. And it’s not pretty.





Yes everyone, all is well!!! Actually all is not well! If you want a truly alarming statistic, there’s more cases of COVID-19 in the White House than there are in all of New Zealand! And you know what? The cases aren’t going to stop there. While the rest of us watch in horror at the shit show unfolding at the West Wing, they simply don’t seem to care and are getting back to business as usual!





Seriously dude, what COVID precautions? Anyone who’s been watching the horror show unfold the last 7 months should be aware that he clearly doesn’t give a shit and that we’re on our own. But $10 says that he doesn’t make it past election day to serve his second term. And remember what I said about New Zealand? Look at this – there’s more cases in the White House than there are in all of that country!





I don’t think it’s too early to tell sir. It’s very well way past time to tell – Trump is a walking, talking biological weapon. He’s so far infected 34 people and is on his way to infect the whole damn West Wing, and I don’t want to point fingers but someone is going to die from this. Of course it’s like playing a game of Russian Roulette and you never know who the bullet is going to hit. But as with most things, this is going to get worse before it gets better.






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[font size="8"]Michigan Republicans
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You know that every week in 2020 has felt like 10 years hasn’t it? So remember back in April when Trump tweeted to “LIBERATE MICHIGAN!!!” when protesting the COVID lockdowns? We covered this back in Idiots #8-14, which feels like an eternity ago! Well anyways in that length of time, it seems that a group of people in the great state of Michigan have decided that they are going to well, liberate Michigan. And this is why you should never listen to a guy like Trump. Because he is a raging psychopath with serious anger issues, and you don’t want to piss a guy like that off, he will explode! And these dumbfucks who attempted to kidnap Governor Whitmer, what did they expect? Were they going to go full Bane from the Dark Knight Rises and hold their own trials? Because let’s ask Bane and Scarecrow how well that worked out.





Seriously was this plot inspired by Bane or something? I mean you couldn’t make up something this frothing-at-the-mouth crazy! And in case you’re wondering the caliber of people that Trump has been attracting to his cause lately, well let’s take a look at a place that was going to be visited by one of Trump’s dim sons – Eric. Apparently one of the guys who worked at this gun shop was being – wait for it – a belligerent, abusive jackass!





No it really isn’t! But never mind the batshit crazy conspiracy theorists plotting to kidnap the governor and overthrow the government. That’s all crazy talk don’t you know? It’s all just a big, hearty gut laugh that we can all look back in a few years and go “See? Remember how crazy the year 2020 was?”. But that’s the play from the defense – it was all crazy talk from a bunch of crackpots. Ha ha ha ha ha, it’s all so obvious now!





No it really isn’t at all! Now here’s where it gets weird. Because this is the Trump administration, and you knew it was going to. Apparently, Whitmer wasn’t the only governor these goons were planning to kidnap. Virginia was also on their list of states to be “liberated”. Because guess what? That’s another of the states that Trump has been targeting because of lockdown restrictions, because he’s a certifiably insane individual!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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It’s no secret that Donald Trump has gone off his fucking rocker. The man is certifiably insane and he’s getting worse as each day inches closer to the election. And it’s going to be the election from hell, that you can be assured of! So impeachment didn’t work, and giving him a lame duck Congress didn’t work, so what’s behind door number 3? Why it’s the 25th amendment! Yes, that most sacred of constitutional amendments that says that the president can be removed from power if he’s proven to be abusing it, could actually be invoked! We actually saw this being put to use in season 2 of the TV show 24 when President Palmer’s ability to govern is questioned by Vice President Prescott. So how would this work in real life?





Ok, Jack, you do that! So how would invoking the 25th amendment work? There’s numerous times over the last 4 years that it could have been used. So why wait until now? Nancy Pelosi has brought about the fact that it could be used. Because right now it would take a commission to kick Trump out of the Resolute Desk, but there’s no way that committee could prove to be partisan. Well, there’s a loophole.





And that’s a guy who you do not want to fuck with either. And speak of guys who you don’t want to fuck with, Trump is hopping mad that this is even being remotely considered. But what he doesn’t know is that in the event that he tries to fuck with the election and it’s unresolved by December 15th, Nancy Pelosi becomes president. So yeah he’s becoming his own worst enemy at this point.





Seriously, where is that guy when you need him? Of course we all know what happened when we saw Mitt Romney get ostracized from Trumpland when he voted for impeachment. And if you think Trump is bad now, wait until you see him on steroids! Not of the anabolic variety but of the kind used to cure crippling lung diseases. He is frothing at the mouth batshit crazy!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Plexiglass Barriers
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



You may have seen pieces of plastic Plexiglass pop up at various supermarkets, fast food restaurants, and just about everywhere. They have also been a hot topic of discussion during the Vice Presidential Debates. But what do these windows do? Supposedly they’re for stopping the coronavirus that causes COVID-19. However, in the health care world, there’s been a debate about whether or not these plastic barriers are actually effective or not. Can they actually stop the spread of the virus? How do they work against protecting you from the virus? And in the long run is spending all this money on a temporary solution really a good thing? These are the many questions that need to be answered while the pandemic is still going on.





Much like shooting the virus, having a small piece of plastic on your desk isn’t really going to help protect you from an airborne virus. And just like masks, plexiglass is not only the latest divide in the right wing culture wars, it’s dividing scientists as well. So the question is – do plexiglass barriers really help protect you from coronavirus? The answer is a definite… maybe.





That’s probably the only safe way you can protect yourself from COVID. Only problem is you cannot use the bathroom, eat, or drink in one of those. In fact leading medical experts are calling the glass “minimal protection” and saying that the barriers are mainly for cosmetic purposes. The next time you see a plexiglass barrier just remember that it really isn’t doing much to protect you at all.





Unfortunately you’re not Mr. Burns, and there’s no such thing as being completely indestructible. So plexiglass shields are everywhere now based on CDC guidelines. And the truth of the matter is that they could not be helpful. Or someone could also be screwing with us. Because in a raging pandemic you can’t take too many precautions but when you do, make sure that the ones you take are going to protect you from the virus and will not hurt you.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! Is it safe to say that we are in the midst of a holy war? Because we are currently vying for the SOUL of this great country! And the reason I ask this is because I have been told by supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church that that is indeed the case! In fact, the Dark One is currently running a cult and it is a very dangerous and scary one at that. In fact here’s a perfect example of how one takes his indoctrination into the cult way too seriously and way too far!





Now really there was a time when someone would talk like that and they would get sent to the place with padded walls and straight jackets! These days we give them a platform and followers who latch onto their garbage! Seriously we’re less than 4 weeks away from the election that could send the Dark One packing, so that means that extreme far right Christians have upped their ante!





Man what book are you reading Reverend? You do *NOT* use GAWD to stump for the Dark One under any circumstances! For the good LAWRD JAYSUS is apolitical and if he were to meet the unholy one, would surely cast him into the fiery pit of HELL!!! Now here’s where they are taking the Holy War a step too far. Fake coach Dave Daubenmire is taking the battle against Hillary Clinton just a wee bit too far!





Now you’ve dang gone too far there, fake Coach! These people have a bizarre obsession with Hillary Clinton’s death, don’t they? I would hope that the Secret Service is protecting her 24/7. That said, despite all the unusually violent rhetoric coming from the Christian right during this madness, when the Civil War comes, it will be “business as usual”. But really since about March of 2020, nothing has been “business as usual”.





So never mind that, just go buy things at Bed, Bath & Beyond and go to your favorite events during a civil war. It’s just business as usual! These people are clinically insane! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Saturday Night Live is finally back with their first new episodes since the pandemic began and it’s been something of a mixed bag. You had SNL At Home, which fucking blew. But now they’re back in the studio with a live audience which has been good but not great. However, their attempts to cater to the right wing after being accused of liberal bias have backfired on them spectacularly. But first off let’s have a control group here, is that host Bill Burr had what some might call a “mixed” bag of jokes, mainly because he was railing on the concept of “cancel culture”. Now this is 2020 and the Me Too movement is 3 years old, so we’re already getting sick of the cancel culture talk!





Seriously did you ever stop to think that the reason why you’re getting canceled is because you’re just not funny? Although that brings up another good subject – is how do you make fun of “woke” culture? It is not something you can really make fun of because otherwise your jokes come off as cringy and embarrassing. I mean seriously it’s been 3 years since the dawn of the Me Too Movement, and you really can’t joke about it.





See we live in a weird time in the comedy world. The pandemic has killed live audiences for the foreseeable future, and “woke culture” as it’s been called has made everything from timeless monologues to current comedians super cringe worthy. And come on if you don’t know why they’re trying to cancel John Wayne… well let’s just remember that John Wayne was a racist asshole! And if you don’t know why, you’re probably a racist asshole too.





And speaking of canceled, here’s the kind of jokes that they come up with in what’s been an increasingly humorless world. So since a lot of Bill Burr’s material is off limits, they joke about, among other things – pumpkin spice beer! And come on, Sam Adams is the Boston equivalent of Foster – if you are in a real Boston bar and you try to order that shit, they laugh at you! And yes, I have tried just about every beer that Sam Adams makes, including the Pumpkin Spice variety!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Hello everyone and welcome to Conspiracy Corner! When people have things that they can’t explain, they turn to conspiracies of course! And this is the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable! Of course I am coming to you live from an underground doomsday prepper shelter deep in the alkali flats of the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location of course. Now this week, the GOP is full of conspiracy theorists, and perhaps the two dumbest men in America – Jacob Whol and Jack Burkman, who we have covered on this program many times are finally throwing in the towel. Yes, they’ve decided to give up on their shenanigans and let the adults run things again. But they’re not going down without a fight! Just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference and… there we go!





That is a good question! Apparently the biggest kind because as we have pointed out, these guys are certifiably insane. And they are out to take down alleged democratic voter fraud… by committing real election fraud! Folks, I don’t need to tell you that voter intimidation is a crime and we are in the final hours of the election that could send Donald Trump packing. But his supporters aren’t going down without a fight. May they be regulated to the dust bin of history!





That is a good point sir! And yes these two if found guilty, will be going away for a long time, and they will emerge at a time when Trump is no longer president, so no pardon, fellas! And by the way that’s not the only thing these two idiots have been up to. They’ve also been scheming and attracting the attention of the FBI through their leaking of documents pertaining to conspiracy theorist #1 Roger Stone’s trial. Yes, it goes all the way to the top!!!





So voter intimidation and jury tampering… any other crimes these two Trumpiest of the Trump supporters can conjure up? How about extreme robodialing? Yes, not only are they trying to rig the election (and failing badly at it), they’re also engaging in some extreme voter fraud and misinformation regarding propositions and ballot reforms! Really, the sooner these two idiots go away and are never heard from again, the better!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? I want to start with dumb products. And this product… may be one of the dumbest! Seriously, there’s a high tech chastity belt for men out there. Who the fuck would buy this and who the fuck would actually wear this thing? Oh and there’s no surprise that it can be hacked! I mean come on it’s one thing to get an STD. It’s another thing to get a virus on the device that’s supposed to be protecting your junk. Really I have so many questions about this thing. But if we answer all of them… fuck, I just don’t have that kind of time!





Good pull! Next up – poop! Yes, our bathroom time is never immune from a People Are Dumb story, and we go to the state of Michigan for this one! Yes, Florida isn’t the only state where the stupid and crazy exist. Shocker – they are everywhere!!! And this disgusting story is definitely something that Trump era politics have brought on us. And well, let’s let the story do the talking.





Somehow I don’t think Flushing Meadows is supposed to work that way! Next up – we of course have to go to America’s most penis-shaped state, the Sunshine State, good old Florida. Florida is always one of the craziest states in the union and for good reason. For one thing – the Good Book is not supposed to be a weapon! Unless you’re John Wick, but if that’s the case, that dude can literally use anything as a weapon. But if you’re not John Wick, don’t do it!





Next up – we go to the Florida town of St. Petersburg! Look, I know times are tough right now because of COVID and we could all use a pick me up. But maybe don’t follow the lead of Florida Man and start passing out weed like it’s Halloween candy. Yeah really. I sure could use a hit right now and I know a lot of us could. But in some parts of the country – mainly in those run by conservative states – weed is still illegal last I checked!





Good point Homer! Finally this week is yet another Florida Man story – and this might be one of the strangest Florida Man stories yet! We go to the town of Ocala, that’s the home of John Travolta don’t you know. So here’s the thing, if you are out fishing and you find something like, I don’t know, an explosive hand grenade, do you really think your next stop should be getting some fast food? I know that I don’t!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Trump Bails On Debate
[br] [/font] [br] BODY HERE



Welcome back to…. Cue reverb… ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!! Oh man that was some good reverb there. Last week, which seems like an eternity ago this year, we covered the first presidential debates and of course the term “shit show” doesn’t even begin to describe it. Of course we are in a raging pandemic and all rules about the way society is supposed to function are thrown out the window, and we are in an election year at that! But then again Trump is still our president, and he refuses to abide by the rules. So put those two things together and the question is asked – is there a possibility there will even be a second debate? To which I answer: “are you fucking kidding me?”.





So rather than play by the rules and hold a virtual rally, Trump instead is going out on his own and holding super spreader events! So what happens if Trump decides to again bail on the second debate – it’s widely known that he’s infected with COVID and continues to infect everyone in his path, so the idea of holding an in-person debate is out of the question. But there’s no mistaking that Trump is an abusive, obnoxious jerk and would love to give Biden the virus if he could!





That is true and Trump is quite the evil fucker. In fact not only does he have COVID, he’s flying out to Florida (obviously) to do another in-person campaign event. And of course his supporters don’t give a flying fuck about COVID or their own health. Dear Leader is speaking and they will avoid Satan himself to go see him! But here’s where it gets creepy and weird.





Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! Wait a minute… EW. Why the flying fuck does he always make every thing so creepy and weird? Because he is a creepy weirdo and it’s just totally disgusting. OK now that I have got that off my chest, you know what the GOP really thinks of us and Joe Biden? Well let’s just say that they’ve gone full asshole and now all rules are off the table.





[font size="8"]And Now This:

Folks last week we lost one of the greats of all time – Eddie Van Halen. And I know that live music is off the table right now so I am paying tribute to him through live music. Really anyone who knows the Sunset Strip scene has a Van Halen story or two. Me I’ve always liked his song “Right Now” from his 1991 album “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge” and it’s a protest song even though it at one point was used for a Pepsi product that no longer exists. So here it is – Van Halen performing “Right Now”.



Folks, before we get out of here, a programming note. Next week is our last new regular Top 10 before the election. 10/28 will be a Viewer’s Choice All Time Best Of (with maybe a new entry or two), and 11/4 will go dark. Maybe we will do a Top 10 Mini depending on how I feel or how things are going. We will be back in full on 11/11 once the dust has been settled – and hopefully in a much better mood than we have been the last 4 years! Next week, we will have our final thoughts going into the election in “Road To The White House”.

See you next week!

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 7, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-13: Mr. COVID Goes To Washington Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-13: Mr. COVID Goes To Washington Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? Holy fuck, what a crazy week this has been right? I was originally going to do a Wheel Of Corruption for this edition but we’ll save that for next week. OK, do we really need celebrities making collaborations with fast food companies? I know that it’s 2020 and no one can go out and perform right now because of this fucking virus, and people got to make money. So do we really need more advertising? And do we also really need more fast food? Of course this started with Travis Scott, who I like to call the Krusty The Klown of the hip-hop industry. And now there’s J. Balvin who also announced a collaboration meal with McDonalds. Do we really need this? Or is McDonalds now becoming that restaurant that names sandwiches after celebrities now? And I mean let’s face it – if anyone needs their own McDonalds meal named after them it’s Trump! Come on, think about it – next time you go to McDonalds, you can experience Trump’s slow, steady gorging process with two Big Macs and two Filet O’Fishes. I guess he doesn’t include a heaping order of fries in that meal because it might be a little too healthy! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the latest surrounding the 2020 mother of all elections to end all elections:



Well, it looks like Trump got COVID and now nobody in his direct line of sight is safe from it! Taking the number one slot this week of course is Donald Trump (1) and not only did he get the highly infectious and very contagious disease, his reckless victory parade is the stuff of legendary conservative idiocy! In the second slot this week – is Trump’s campaign manager Brad Parscale (2) and I originally wasn’t going to cover this story because domestic abuse is nothing to make fun of, but when Brad might be hiding some deep, dark secrets about his former boss, they need to get out there! In the third slot this week is the future Trump brownshirt army – the Proud Boys (3) and they are going all in after Trump’s debate shout out, but gay people have been taking back the name “Proud Boys”! Ha ha! Taking the number 4 slot this week is Donald Trump. A joint study by Harvard and the WHO examined some 8 million articles about COVID-19, and guess who is the key source of misinformation? Yup, him! In slot #5 this week is Top 10 Investigates, and we had this story planned for our edition a couple of weeks ago that unfortunately got axed, but we are going to talk about Charles Feeny, the billionaire who wants to die broke and penniless! In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and we’re going to find out “does anyone really hate God?”. The Dark One’s campaign is trying to paint Joe Biden as “godless” but his faith suggests otherwise! In slot #7 this week – we add Wisconsin senator Ron Johnson to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected (7)! In the 8th slot this week we have a new edition of Conspiracy Corner – it hasn’t even been 24 hours and the conspiracy theorists are already speculating about how Trump got COVID! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new “I Need A Drink” (9) – and come on, racism and homophobia has no place in an MLS game, so we salute the San Diego Loyals for doing the right thing! Finally this week in “Road To The White House” – we have a complete recap of the first debate, and speculate whether or not we will have a second! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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You know I’ve been saying since the start of the Trump presidency that if you hang with Donald Trump, you’re gonna get a virus. I’m just saying it happens. He’s an overweight, dirty, lazy, unkempt slob of a man who thinks he’s got taste and class. For that he really doesn’t have any. He spends all day lying in bed and yelling at Fox News, only occasionally getting up to indulge in his favorite hobby. So it should be absolutely no surprise to anyone that he contracted COVID-19 after holding rallies that have hundreds of people in attendance. I kind of think of it like that game of chicken - where you stand in front of traffic before jumping out of the way at the last second. He tried to jump out of the way this time, but he failed big time!





Seriously, this is his “Don’t cry for me Argentina” moment. Though this isn’t Evita and he isn’t Eva Paron crying for help. Instead, this is more like Mr. COVID Goes To Washington, and instead of acting presidential, Trump is just some schmuck who got the virus by doing something stupid. And in case you’re wondering, yes, the experts actually did tell him that the thing that gave him the virus was in fact a dangerous thing to do. Even worse is that he only stayed literally two days in the hospital.





Oh fuck it, just run the negative ads there, Joe! There's your first one right there! Seriously even Trump’s own sons think he’s gone too far. First the victory parade, then the shout out from the White House balcony. And let’s not ignore that the whole White House might be a biohazard – don’t worry, we’ll cover that next week – and that’s just barely scratching the surface. When Trump’s sons think he’s gone too far, he’s gone too far!





Clean that up. And by the way yes the merchandise has already started. You can buy a Trump beats COVID commemorative coin right fucking now! For the low low price of $100! But that said, how is this going to affect his poll numbers? If anything America has had enough and it’s getting safer to say that Trump might be done.






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[font size="8"]Brad Parscale
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Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooly crap. I originally wasn’t going to cover this story but you guys bombarded me with emails and social media replys saying that I need to cover this. Because last week before Mr. COVID went to Washington, Trump’s campaign manager went absolutely batshit crazy, and it’s like peeling an onion. The more layers you peel back, the more it stinks. And the more you’re likely to cry as a result. So what happened? Now the thing is before we delve into this story, I am not making fun of the man himself or even the situation. I’m just reporting the facts with my usual brand of nonsense commentary. While COVID went to Washington, DC – Brad Parscale went to Florida for a campaign stop.





Seriously, Bugs Bunny had the right idea! I mean come on Brad, you knew it was the wrong time to go to Florida! Even just setting foot in the Sunshine State anymore guarantees that you will succumb to the craziness! But now that I have got that out of my system, what was Brad’s motivation for doing this? I heard some say that he was suicidal and we are not touching that one with a 10 foot pole. But at least his wife is cooperating with the police!





Yeah probably! But hey Brad, here’s the thing – underwhelming stress? Look, 2020 has been a cruel mistress to us all, and we’re all dealing with it in our own ways. But here’s the real underlying trouble – remember last week when we said that Trump was broke? Well guess what? Brad Parscale might have had a hand in it! See, grifting begats grifting! And maybe that Q Anon slogan was right – where we go one, we go all!





Damn right the shit just got real! And what’s even more real is that Parscale’s family is worried that he’s going to squeal on his former boss. Here’s where the shit is going to hit the fan and why we had to cover this story. Trump’s campaign is broke and they’re spending cash faster than a drunken gambler at a bachelor party at Caesar’s Palace. And if the truth comes out, Trump is in some seriously deep shit!






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[font size="8"]The Proud Boys
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If you haven’t heard of the alt-right Fight Club known as the Proud Boys, then you definitely haven’t been to a protest lately. Because whenever the dreaded “Antifa” shows up, the Proud Boys are almost certainly going to follow, mainly to kick some ass. Even though they are the ones getting their asses kicked and then go on social media to complain about how liberals are big meanie heads. We first covered the Proud Boys starting in Idiots #2-22, way back in 2017 and they’ve been appearing in Top 10s ever since. And 2017 seems like an eternity ago doesn’t it? Well, now they’ve become self-aware, and that is fucking scary.





Seriously, this isn’t Fight Club and you’re not Brad Pitt. In fact most of the “Proud Boys” look about how you would picture the exact opposite of Brad Pitt to look. Hey o! That joke would have killed in front of a live audience. And just like the previous Terminator reference, not only are the Proud Boys now-self aware because of Trump’s debate shout out, they’ve joined forces with another hate group that you’re probably familiar with – the Nazis! And you never go full Nazi, ever!





Seriously, where are Jake and Elwood when you need them? And by the way with Trump’s little joy ride outside the hospital this week – guess who was there with support? That’s right – Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes, who we profiled on a segment of “This Fucking Guy” back in the 5th season of the Idiots (see: Idiots #5-7 ). And yes he’s every bit as batshit crazy as you might imagine!





Oh wait, that was Jingle All The Way. And by the way, we have to talk about the latest clash in Portland, because it seems that the Proud Boys are hell bent on turning the hipster capital of America into America’s Trump-loving fight club. And you know that other saying – the beatings will continue until morale improves! Yes, this group is Trump’s new BFF, and they will literally fight for him.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Look, I know that we’re in the middle of a raging pandemic – and everyone is bored, tired, restless, isolated, angry, and pissed off. I know that I am. But before we start pointing fingers, let’s not forget the one man who is largely responsible for us getting into this mess. And that man is of course is the guy who’s in charge of the country right now – the man who we inexplicably still call president, Donald J. Trump. That’s right, you read that correctly – Trump is the sole source of misinformation on the virus known as COVID-19, responsible for one of the biggest disasters in United States history – both politically and economically. But yeah let’s blame Trump for all of this!





Yeah probably. Especially when this is one of the most alarming things coming out of the Trump administration since his diagnosis – he’s the key spreader of misinformation about the virus! See, I’ve been saying that since the Trump administration began that when you hang with Trump, you’re going to get a virus. Now when you hang with Trump, not only do you get a virus, he’ll give you a heaping pile of bullshit to go with it!





That is certainly true sir! But that’s also what happens when the President Of The United States lives in a bubble – not just because of COVID – but also constantly feeds off of his own bullshit when it comes to the news. See, the news sources that Trump says are actually news, are in actuality, fake news! It’s all so obvious now! But yeah he might be fucking with us, and if he’s going down, he’s going down swinging.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: The Broke Billionaire
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



Billionaires. Most people either love them or hate them. Some even want to elect them president of the United States. Those people are crazy. However, this week, there’s one billionaire in particular who made headlines this week for one particular reason. He wants to die broke and penniless. Meet Charles Feeny. Feeny made his fortune as the backbone of the Duty Free shops that you see at the airport. He made billions off of his investment. Now his dying wish is to die broke and penniless. And he may just have achieved that goal.





So why did Mr. Feeny decide to do this and why are his assets so hidden? What made him do this? Well you know the old adage about how you cannot take it with you. Mr. Feeny is a different kind of billionaire – he made his wealth through investing. And then he turned around and invested those investments into different investments. In fact, his charitable contributions earned him the nickname “the secret billionaire”.







Yes and then light it all on fire! Mr. Feeny is not the only billionaire who is risking it all. We go to Thailand, where 41 year old billionaire Thanathorn Juangroongruangkit is risking it all because he’s fed up with the current state of the Thai monarchy. So rather than using his money for evil, people like this and Mr. Feeny are using their money for good. In fact he’s starting his own political party to help reform the monarchy.





But Mr. Feeny and Mr. Juangroongruangkit aren’t just giving away their fortunes for free. Instead they’re making sound and sensible investments that will help determine their country’s futures. But Mr. Feeny has a 35 year head start – and he has already accomplished his goal. At 89, he most likely doesn’t have a lot of time left on this earth, but he feels like his goal is accomplished.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know we are just one month out from the election. And this election will determine the future of America. Now, do we go with the unholy, ungodly Dark One – a man so disgusting and depraved that I will never allow his name to be spoken in my church – even if we aren’t a real church right now? Or do we choose the lighter path and go with Joseph R. Biden? I know which way I would choose. But that said, the ungodly Dark One is trying to accuse Biden as being ungodly. Which makes me ask this question – does anyone really hate GAWD? Both sides make this claim, and none of it is true. No one hates GAWD. But the LAWRD welcomes all – even the haters and the losers. So why is Biden being painted as the godless one?





These people really have a thing for demonic forces don’t they? And why do they refer to themselves as “prayer warriors”? Are they actually fighting a war? Maybe only in their warped and twisted minds. But I’m not really sure they know what the word “tyranny” means. In fact the Unholy Dark One is getting some much needed help from the pulpit.





Well so can I, I do have that power as I am a man of GAWD!! And the LAWRD shall send them to hell when he sees fit now doesn’t he? Now let’s take a look at the actual religions of these two men – starting with the man who is going to be the 46th president of the United States – Joe Biden! He is a real man of GAWD, and he makes no mistakes about the religion he chooses to worship!





Now on the flipside – we have the Unholy, Ungodly Dark One! And why do I keep referring to him as “The Dark One”? Because he is the leader of the free world. And he’s a man who is so full of sin, so disgusting, depraved, and batshit crazy that I will never, ever speak his name in my church! Except that one time I did, but there are exceptions to every rule. In fact he’s a man so disgusting that a religion known for insane lifestyles is denouncing him as being demonic!





That’s right – even the Mormons – some of the most devout of all the religions – are calling him the Godless one! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Ron Johnson: People Who Somehow Got Elected
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week: Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson. How did this guy get elected? While the world is sitting in horror of Trump’s recent COVID diagnosis, there’s another case that’s going dangerously overlooked and that’s Ron Johnson. The CDC is reporting that “super spreader” individuals are infecting hundreds of people and they might not even know it. Ron Johnson is one such individual. And this guy could be deciding the vote that puts Amy Coney Barrett on the Supreme Court. So what makes Mr. Johnson so dangerous? Well, while mass gatherings are shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Ron Johnson said “fuck it” and went to an Oktoberfest party anyways. Yes, holding an Oktoberfest party during a pandemic. That is a thing that happened.





Yes, they’ll get special host recognition all right – when everybody at the party comes down with the virus because they didn’t listen to scientists and ignored the warning signs. So guess what happened with the party? That’s right! He tested positive. And that means that Senator Johnson can join Trump in the recovery wing at Walter Reed Hospital.





That’s probably the only safe way to live right now in the age of COVID. And guess what else is going on – not only did Ron Johnson come down with the virus, at least 3 senators – all in the GOP – have also tested positive. This isn’t going to look good when they go to cast that SCOTUS vote that will replace Justice Ginsburg. This is what happens when you don’t take this virus seriously.





That’s what is going to happen from now until there’s a vaccine. And if people like Ron Johnson keep doing this that’s what is going to happen. But that’s not before he puts fellow super spreader Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court. That’s right – Ron Johnson could be one of the deciding votes that puts Judge Barrett on the highest of high courts. I like senators who don’t get the virus!





That man could help decide the fate of the future of the United States. That’s Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson, yet another inexplicable candidate to add to the ever-growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable! We are of course coming to you live from our remote basement bunker deep in the alkaline flats of the New Mexico badlands – I can’t disclose too much about the location because I don’t want the evil government to read my thoughts! Now just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… and there we go! So what are conspiracy theorists blabbering about this week? Well, of course you know their Dear Leader got the dreaded coronavirus. And that hasn’t stopped the conspiracy theorists from coming up with some absolutely batshit theories! Yes, the guano is flying fast and furious with this crowd!





By the way, anyone else really surprised that Trump is the mastermind behind most of these batshit crazy theories out there? And if you’re not, have you been following this administration? You know how absolutely batshit insane Trump is and how he doesn’t live in reality – he only lives in the reality that he chooses to create. And that is a very dark and scary one!





And by the way, is anyone really surprised that the Q Anon dipshits have been coming up with the craziest conspiracy theories surrounding Trump and COVID? To which I ask you again – have you been following this administration? Trump attracts the craziest and most depraved minds in not only America, but all over the world. So it’s absolutely no surprise that the basement dwellers of 4chan are fabricating the most batshit things you’ve ever heard.





Now here’s where it gets weird – because you knew it was going to. And again, I ask – have you been following this administration? I keep asking that because this administration has unleashed some of the most batshit stuff you’ve ever heard. But the real weirdness in all of this is that Q Anon and COVID conspiracies are merging! Yes, they are going to create the largest turd of misinformation you’ve ever seen in your life! They know too much!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Whew, I don’t know about you guys but I could really use a drink!



Whew, so much bad news this week! So of course you know by now that the idea is that we have some drinks and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. And not only that, this has the bonus of being a sports story with an added dash of some old school homophobia. Yup, we’re talking 1950s fire and brimstone. So tell me virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about sports bullying? A seabreeze? Yeah no thanks. I think I will have my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack. So we go to San Diego for this story. The San Diego Loyals are a relatively new team in the MLS world, managed by international superstar Landon Donovan. Well last week something unbelievable happened. The Loyal… forfeited a game. Here’s what happened.





Man I miss drinking in front of a live audience! We’ll get that freedom back at some point. So good for San Diego for taking a stand against rampant bullying in sports. Of course that doesn’t matter because we have a president and first lady who are on a “Be Best!” campaign so everybody is putting their best face forward! Ah, who am I kidding? Of course everyone is at their worst right now, we’re in a raging pandemic with a raging asshole at the helm. Thankfully the San Diego Loyal are the opposite of that!





Ah, thanks, I needed that! So the San Diego Loyal walked off not once, but twice. And unlike a baseball walkoff, you’re not celebrating in a football walk off. Instead, you’re probably ranting and cursing and throwing your empty beer bottles at the TV. Because it’s 2020 and you can’t do that at your favorite watering hole. But taking a stand is costing them in both fans and controversy. Let’s ask women’s football star Alex Morgan what she thinks.





So the impact of this decision will be felt across the league but who knows how long this will go on and what are the long term consequences of this decision? Well the short term decision is that this is going to have an affect on the Loyals’ playoff hopes. And yes, this is one of those things where doing the right thing could actually be the wrong thing. Yeah think about it!






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Debate Recap
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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections! This is… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!! Ooh, that was some good reverb there! So in the last week , we covered the possible scenarios that could happen if Donald Trump decides that he’s not going to leave the White House in the event that he loses the election. We’ve also covered the coveted endorsement of rapper Ice Cube and what that would mean. Now this week we’re going to talk about the first debate that happened last week, and in the sea of news last week, that feels like an eternity ago. Though the first debate can be boiled down to five words: “Shut the fuck up Donny”. Seriously, where is Walter Sobchak when you need him? But really it was quite the shit show.





Yeah seriously, why wasn’t that guy moderating the debates? Now CNN, what did you learn? You’re Trump’s public enemy number one! Things got even crazier when the subject of white supremacy came up. And today’s white supremacists are nothing like your father’s white supremacists! Yes, Trump has received endless amounts of very well-deserved shit for failing to denounce one of America’s biggest problems.





Seriously, Donny, shut the fuck up!!! But switching gears now, will a second debate be held? That’s the question right now. Well whether or not a second debate happens, there’s going to be some rules changes in place. Like actually getting Donny to shut the fuck up. Because that’s something that he needs to do if he’s going to prove to be presidential. Because right now his plan of constantly talking over your opponent just isn’t working.





Yeah seriously. Shut the fuck up Donny! Why don’t we have this guy moderating the next debate? Well there might not even be a next debate, at least for the time being. But at this point does anybody even really care? Or will the poll numbers make that much of a difference? People are already mortified by Trump’s behavior and that might not carry well going into the actual election – of which we are only 30 short days away! Assuming this country is still standing then!







See you next week!

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 16, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-11: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Presidential Fantasy Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-11: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Presidential Fantasy Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? We are back but we’re still broadcasting from this empty white void because we can’t be in a studio right now thanks to COVID. I really do miss all of the tomfoolery that we used to have before COVID. So why did we take two weeks off? Well for one thing it’s a chance to rest – I kind of needed a break from the extremely horrible 24/7 news cycle that we’re living in, for mental health reasons. The other thing is that we have 6 editions left before Election 2020 and I wanted to make sure that we get ready. Because the last time, we took a break from the news before the election and what happened? Bam, we got four years of this douchebag. So yeah that’s about it. There’s no thing this week because I want to address what’s going to happen for the Top 10 between now and the election. Between now and November 3rd we literally have 6 editions left. That means that we’ve covered the entirety of the Trump presidential administration here. Since he slimed his way down that gold escalator in Trump tower to holding indoor rallies during a major global pandemic and everything in between. To be honest, I want it to stop. But assuming that we get four more years of Trump I will be watching and waiting out his every move. Just like COVID, conservative idiocy will exist until we eradicate it. So let’s start by voting out Trump on November 3rd. Mr. Trump, you’re fired. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Bill Maher is back and he pleads America to side with teachers instead of using them as a political prop:



Well another week, another Top 10 under the virus. So where do we start this week? Well in the first slot whenever the Top 10 is on an extended break, we like to catch up on stuff we missed (1) which includes Nancy Pelosi’s hair cut incident, Trump’s bizarre rant about protest weaponry, and a gender reveal party gone horribly, horribly wrong! Taking the second slot this week is Donald Trump (2). Yes, the guy who we currently call president is somehow inexplicably still president, and he got caught lying his ass off about how dangerous COVID was because he wanted to be a “cheerleader for America”. So what could go wrong? Taking the third slot this week is Donald Trump supporters, otherwise known as the MAGAs (3). So not one, but two boat parades were held – one in my state of California and the other in Texas, and not only one, but both boat parades featured sinking vessels! Was it Das Boot? In the fourth slot this week is Kanye West (4). Yes, his presidential ambitions are still a thing, but his sham campaign is getting the boot in more places than one. Taking the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week while schools are attempting to get back to normal in the age of COVID, so is the virus and it’s getting scary. If you do go back to school, do so with extreme caution! Taking the sixth slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is going to investigate the phenomenon of Satanic Witchcraft in the 2020 election! But the real Satanist is sitting in the Oval Office! In the seventh slot this week is a new “This Fucking Guy” (7) and this week we’re going to profile the head of Trump’s United States Post Office, and guy who will be overseeing mail-in voting in the 2020 election, Louis De Joy, and whew. This fucking guy. Taking the 8th slot this week is a new edition of Beating A Dead Horse (8) and this week we’re going to talk about Trump’s use of the CCR classic song “Fortunate Son” and some other misused songs. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week of course is a new People Are Dumb because stupid doesn’t take a holiday! Finally this week in “Road To The White House”, Joe Biden’s got some special guests in store for some campaign fundraising events, but find out why they may or may not be controversial! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Catch Up On Stuff We Missed
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We took a rare break last week. As usual whenever the Top 10 takes an extended break, we always like to play a game of catch up on stuff we missed. Because in this 24/7 news cycle you never know what’s going to happen. And since two weeks are way too long to cover something like Nancy Pelosi’s hair salon incident, which is STILL GETTING COVERAGE!!! Damn right I'm pissed off about this, because this should be the least of our worries right now! Meanwhile the guy who killed 200,000 people because he wanted to be a “cheerleader” for America? Buptkiss! Yes that’s right, also it’s rare that I get to use the word “buptkiss” in context like that! But still this is fucking infuriating and it still outlays the belief that conservatives are infallible. And here’s the thing, conservatives, we all hate this pandemic and we all want to get back to some sort of normalcy. But these things take time. And we don’t need your nonsense.





Oh and by the way in case you’re wondering what the actual COVID guidelines for hair salons are, this doesn’t happen anywhere, and the actual guidelines for California [/link state that they can’t hold indoor services anywhere and that services must be performed outside if necessary. Also in case you’re wondering if actions have consequences or not, well…





Yup that is a definite fail for you! The next thing I want to catch up on is Trump’s absolutely batshit comment about protest weaponry. Yes, the protests and unrest in this country are absolutely unreal right now. But before we get into this story we got to roll the tape on this one. Because it is certifiably batshit insane.



Whew. That guy is the president of the United States. I will repeat – that guy is the president of the United States! Just… why do people allow this man to continue to be president? It boggles the mind!!





The other thing I wanted to catch up on that we missed – Trump is fucking broke! Yes, the campaign is hemorrhaging money! In fact they are so broke that they’re resorting to some really drastic measures to keep the campaign running. And yet, the jackass president will somehow blame Democrats for his shortcomings, because that’s all he does. Ah, president loser can go eat shit.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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In case you haven’t forgot, we’re still in the middle of a raging pandemic that doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon. And Trump, the guy who we still inexplicably call president, is presidenting by example – and holding mass gatherings and indoor rallies when CDC and WHO guidelines suggest otherwise. But that said, we have to talk about the recent allegations that have surfaced suggesting that Trump lied (shocker) about the horrifying dangers of COVID while downplaying it because he wanted to be a “cheerleader” for America. Well, Mr. President, we don’t need a cheerleader. We need a real fucking leader. Someone who, I don’t know, listens to facts and logic and reason, and also listens to real experts. We don’t need your nonsense.





That said, the president of the United States basically is going to let us all die to save his sorry ass. Oh yeah, this is so much better isn’t it? And if you want any further proof that Trump simply doesn’t care about us or that there’s a killer virus out there ravaging the landscape, well, he held an indoor rally in Nevada and the governor of Nevada wasn’t exactly, let’s say, thrilled with that. But that didn’t stop Trump from going full asshole.





Well unfortunately as of right now COVID is one thing that definitely isn’t staying in Vegas. In fact the virus doesn’t care. And you know I remember way back in the early days of the Trump presidency, I predicted that he’d be going full Howard Hughes by the end of his first term. And there’s still time for him to do that! Especially when he’s apparently terrified of the virus behind the scenes, made even more mystifying that he’s been long-rumored to be a germophobe.





Yeah that’s one way to *NOT* kill the virus and you might kill someone else in the process. But that said, you can talk all the shit you want about black lives matter, or blue lives matter, or all lives matter. Under the Donald J. Trump administration, we’re in the COVID pandemic, and that means that no lives matter, and this president deliberately put lives in jeopardy for the sake of his massive ego. In case you were wondering, no, it’s not a good thing that Trump did this. Shocker.






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[font size="8"]The Trump Campaign
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I don’t know about you guys, but I had big plans for this year that got upended by COVID, and I’m sure that you did too. However, just like in 1918 there were fucking idiots abound. But as long as they keep holding events like this, who knows how long the pandemic is going to go on? Well last week, I had to engage in a bit of schadenfreude as it looks like Mother Nature took out her sweet, sweet revenge on the MAGAs. And that MAGA boaters took their support for Dear Leader to new heights in Texas and, my home state of California, to new heights. Unfortunately their attempts are more in line with Das Boot or Titanic than they are Party Boat or Captain Ron. So just how bad was their idea? Well, pretty bad.





I can see Trump as the captain of the Titanic – “Come try our buffets, we have the best buffets. Don’t forget to try your hand at the shuffleboard court, it’s safe to go out there. Don’t panic!”. If this is Das Boot, then maybe this is the MAGA version of Das Boot. DAS BOOT MAGA. And this might be my favorite part of the whole thing – they wanted to break the record for the largest boat parade ever. Well, maybe don’t cover your boat in Trump flags. And if you do, don’t be surprised if your boat tips over. It’s simple physics.





Oh and here’s where it gets weird. Because it’s Trump, you knew it was going to. Not only did boats sink in Texas, they also sank in Oregon and Wisconsin, and they keep sinking because once again MAGA boat owners don’t understand things like physics and science. Because if you overload your boat with a bunch of MAGA flags, you’re gonna have a bad time. It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?





Ah I miss that show. But my favorite thing about this is that there are some creative people out there, and that when the word got out about this on social media, they started spinning it. The best part of this whole thing? Instead of calling it “Dunkirk” after the Christopher Nolan WWII movie, they called it “Dumbkirk”. Yes, there are still a lot of very funny people on social media!






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[font size="8"]Kanye For President
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While our presidential choices are once again down to old white guy vs old white guy, the one guy who isn’t one of those isn’t really exactly going anywhere. I’m talking about Kanye West and his extremely ill-advised plan to help Trump and hurt Biden in the 2020 election. Hey Kanye, we’re onto you. And we are not going to let you derail this election the way countless Jill Steins, Ralph Naders, and Ross Perots have done in the past. But here’s the thing – many people want to know the answer to the most pressing question of 2020 – is Yeezy for real? Well, he is the most real person you might ever know to actually exist. And for the other? He’s a super genius just like his hero Trump is! Yeah put the two of them in the same room and you have an ego capable of crushing the planet.





Really why is he so obsessed with that? But that brings me to my next point – he will be lucky if he snags any votes away from Biden because this is his My Beautiful Dark Presidential Twisted Fantasy. And yes I added the “president” part of it because like Trump he thinks he can play president and get away with it too! Well, I think we’ve had enough of vanity candidates because he’s still getting kicked off the ballot in many states.





Holy crap he’s even taken over our candy canes! But we will tell you a couple of states where Yeezy is on the ballot and where he is not. And where he is on the ballot? Well he’s shockingly on the ballot in Mississippi and North Carolina but he’s not on the ballot in states like California. Yeah we are onto his game here. But one thing – his presidential aspirations are falling just a bit short.





I could totally see that working in real life. But Kanye is still one of the craziest mofos out there and he will not rest! That’s right, he’s one of the hardest working guys out there and I can imagine if he’s president that one of his first actions would be to take down Universal Records. Yeah after Trump, do we really need a guy who thinks that he’s the next Moses as the president? No, we need the adults back in charge, and we need it now!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: COVID on Campus
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



It’s back to school time, but this year it’s different. The Coronavirus Disease of 2019, or COVID-19, is still raging through the populace. Which begs the question – is it safe to go back to school in the middle of a raging pandemic? The answers are ranging from a “no” to “hell no”. Which conflicts with the president’s message of things being OK enough to go back to school. But where are the problems going to lie? Well the biggest mystery so far surrounds student housing. How do you control the pandemic with students going from the dorms to campus and where community showers and sinks make containing the virus impossible? The president wants all schools open because that’s what he thinks we should be doing, and we should be doing that. But we are in the worst pandemic in 100 years and it’s a growing challenge for school deans everywhere.





That’s probably the safest way to live in the age of COVID right now. But as of right now there. But in reality there are no good options for reopening schools right now. Putting kids back in the classroom puts both kids and teachers at risk. Making everyone go online makes it hard to track students. And everyone is at risk whether they are a student or not because of the very real possibility of the virus being harder to contain.





Again that’s not how you contain the virus! And contrary to the growing argument that it only affects senior citizens and those who have immune deficiencies, those more likely to get the most serious COVID cases are children, and that means that if children can get it literally anyone can get it. Because it’s a novel virus and that means that we’re all immune until we come up with cures and vaccines, which probably wont be until next year.





So your campus has the potential to be a super spreader event. *CUE HORROR MUSIC* And by the way if you’re thinking of holding that party or planning that backyard barbecue, just remember that this could have a stemming effect on your community. Because they can trace it back to YOU. And your party, and there goes your school’s plans being canceled. So think that every action you have during COVID will have a reaction.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! Unfortunately we are still unable to bring you the full and proper Holy Shit that you know and love and we are still broadcasting from this white void. So that means no gospel choir and no Blues Brothers style theatrics. But what we can bring you is our commentary on all things religious and man they are just growing batshit insane. Well you know there are DAYMONS among us in the Deep State! Yes, we’re allowed to talk politics here in my church, because why not? Well there’s a movement in the GOP called “Q Anon” and they are out to get witches! Yes, they are convinced by GAWD that witches walk among us! What year is this? 1687?





Yes! Because only witches and DAYMONS would light their cigarettes on fire after being burned at the stake! But since we are on the subject of Satanic Witchcraft, we have an actual cult in the making and it’s a cult without central leadership. Their meeting place is online and their leader is only known as Q, and they spout such mindless slogans as “Where We Go One We Go All!”.





But how do you cast out something unwanted? We can’t congregate in public right now, so dark minds are going to become even darker. They worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my virtual church! And since we can talk politics in my church, actual priests are talking politics, and they don’t have kind words to say about us who are fighting every day for truth and injustice! Dare I say this is a bit… demonic?





Seriously where is that woman when you need her? But really if online is replacing reality, what would it take to stop a fake religion from replacing a real one? Q Anon has no tenants. It has no central leadership. It has no weekly sermons. It has no pastors or preachers. But what it does have is a bunch of batshit insanity. And it’s going to take a lot to deprogram these cult members!





Yes, we’re dealing with some absolutely crazy people here and we need to deprogram them as soon as possible! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Louis De Joy
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is the self-appointed and self-proclaimed Postmaster General of the United States, Louis De Joy. Oh wait, he’s the actual Postmaster? Yeah. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of a raging pandemic that has ravaged this country. We’re also in the middle of the presidential election that could and should unseat Donald J. Trump. Now what should normally be a no-brainer in the middle of the raging pandemic is to allow people to vote by mail. But nope, President “Voter Fraud” is screaming that voter fraud is a very real possibility but in reality it’s not exactly what you might think, but is a fraud is how Louis De Joy actually got the Postmaster General job.





Newman!!! Actually, Louis DeJoy could be just like Newman in that Newman is a character with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. You see, hiring a Postmaster General to destroy the Post Office is like your alcoholic friend hiring a guy named Jack Daniels to do his dry cleaning. You know he did it just for the thrill and it’s a very obvious sign that he has a fucking problem! But the problems that DeJoy is facing continue to mount and it’s the stuff of impending doom.





Mail on Sunday? Oops!! And you know what? While we’re on the subject of DeJoy and the USPS let’s do that thing that Trump fans and Red Pill Truthers do and go down the rabbit hole shall we? So if you were to do a deep dive on this DeJoy character, let’s keep in mind that he is one shady mofo. And he’s just the type of guy that Trump attracts. Because business grifters are going to be business grifters! Hold your boos.





No, don’t cancel your mail just yet. Because we are going to need it there, Kramer! But Louis DeJoy is one shady character. He’s so shady that even expert witnesses are telling the house that this guy is grossly unqualified to be the Postmaster General. In fact I’m not an expert (shocker) but even I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy has never worked a day in his life at the Post Office. Let’s just ask Newman!





He’s the Postmaster General who should have never been appointed in the first place! That’s Louis DeJoy, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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So the Oscars wants to be less inclusive and more racist? No, they want to be less racist and more inclusive. That’s right, the Academy of Motion Pictures is going full steam with embracing divserity which is going to look great for the 2021 Best Picture nominees since we’re in a pandemic and no movies are getting made or released! How is that going to work? Well, moving onto best pictures when full movie production resumes, you can bet that there’s going to be a lot more people being included in the Best Picture nominations. Where in recent years the Best Picture has been won by… let’s see… white guy, white guy, white guy, a bunch of white guys, and oh yeah white guy. Except for Moonlight and whatever the hell the Shape Of Water is. But enough of my rambling.





Now you might be asking – “how is this going to work?” and I answer you – I’m pretty sure even the Academy doesn’t know. But the other question is why the hell are we waiting until 2024 to fully implement this criteria? Well that’s probably when we’re going to resume film production. Well I’m hoping that it’s not that long. But the bad thing is this won’t change who wins best picture.





That’s of course assuming there’s going to be a next year there, Homer! I kid I kid, there’s going to be life after COVID. I hope. Anyways before I start rambling again, just how far did the Academy step in it in regards to their diversity requirements? Well let’s just say think of it like stepping in a pool of giraffe diarrhea. That’s a horrible and disgusting image that will do little to help the overall landscape, and let’s face it, you feel bad for the giraffe! So just how much did they step in it?





So where do actual movie stars stand on the Oscar’s new inclusion rules? Well they’re about as divided as we are on the subject. It’s going to be a while before Hollywood gets back to its’ pre-COVID self but while that happens, we’re waiting to see what the stars actually think. And well it’s generally a mixed bag of opinions.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. While we were off for the Labor Day holiday, stupid obviously never takes a holiday! So who is dumb this week? Well first, Dr. Phil is dumb. Yes, the fake TV psychiatrist that Oprah unwittingly leashed upon the masses continues to prove why he should not be practicing any medicine. Hell, he doesn’t understand the unwritten rules of social media! And one of those rules is that you don’t tell people what to do! No! if you tell someone to do something, they’re only going to want to do more of this. Especially when we’re in a pandemic and everyone is bored out of their skulls!





Damn right!! You don’t tell the internet what to do, Dr. Phil! No, no, no, no, no, no. Next up – let’s go across the pond to France! As we have proven on this program time and time again, there’s stupid people no matter what country you go to. But in this particular case, we all get annoyed with bugs and insects. But this might not be the best way to go about doing things. In fact, you could put a “DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME” warning on this next story.





Yeah something like that. Next up – you know much of the country is experiencing devastating wildfires, and I swear that it’s Mother Nature’s way of saying she’s bound and determined to get rid of us once and for all. And you can spout your conspiracy theories, believe me. But one thing you should never ever do? How about don’t set off fucking explosives in a dry climate on the hottest day of the year? What could go wrong?





Yeah seriously don’t do anything that dumb. There are limits people! Next up – the state of Florida always brings the crazy! We make fun of America’s most penis-shaped state but it does have some of the craziest people alive! For instance this particular story out of Port St. Lucie, Florida. Now I love me some bacon, but don’t get your bacon and your cocaine mixed up, that’s mistake number one. Mistake number two? Don’t keep either one in the backseat of your car for an extended period of time.





Of course! Finally this week, we go to that most senior of all Florida cities, The Villages! And yes many times during the course of this horrible administration I’ve been there, and we have all been there. But if Trump drives you to drink, maybe don’t tell this as your excuse to the cops. Me personally? I’m going to go have a few cold ones after this because well, Trump and the COVID pandemic are really driving me to drink.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Biden’s Special Guests
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Welcome back to the… *cue reverb* ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!!! Oh that was some damn fine reverb there! So when we last met, we talked about the differences in celebrity endorsements between Biden and Trump. And basically Biden has the endorsement of all the cool celebrities, while Trump is full of has-beens and dipshits who have been banned from social media. This week, since we can’t campaign in person, we have to resort to campaigning virtually. Yeah it blows but while COVID is still a thing we can’t do things the way we normally do. But Biden’s got a whole lot of special guests lined up for his virtual campaign events. Like for instance, one of my favorite rappers, our good friend Ice Cube, who is riding with Biden!





Really Ice, you’d expect Trump to be a leader on social issues? Have you been following the last 4 years of this horrible administration like we have? But here’s the thing – Ice Cube is such a hot guest to have that both teams – Team Biden and Team Trump – are vying to get his take on America in 2020 before the election. So why are they focusing on earning his opinion? Well because… celebrity. And black.





Now here’s where Ice Cube’s endorsement is considered shocking. Because while he’s a black celebrity, he’s also very, very rich. And something (we’re guessing Kanye maybe?) might be turning wealthy black Americans against the Democratic party. So because of that, we have to present both sides of the issue and here’s where Team Trump could see some input from Mr. Cube.





Let’s not go that far! But yeah that’s where Mr. Cube could do some damage, because he’s an actor and a hip hop star and creator of some of some of the best hip hop songs of all time. And he holds sway with the younger generation of rappers like Charlemagne The God, Lil Wayne, and Lil Uzi Vert. So you can see why his opinion is actually important.






See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Top 10 Home Office, Anaheim, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 2, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #13: Labor Day Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #13: Labor Day Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? It’s hard to enjoy a holiday when all the days are running together right now, but we’ll try to help get you through this extremely crappy time in America and the world right now. Yes, we’re all sad, scared and angry because COVID is still wandering the landscape. But the good news though is that we’ll get to go back to the studio! Yay!!! The next few (hopefully) editions will be from our new home at the amazing Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. Still no live audiences allowed for the time being, but we can manage! And yes, I regret not being able to cover the insanity surrounding the RNC and Trump’s nomination. Because these things have a shelf life and by the time we come back next week it will already be yesterday’s news! Of course our whole show is focused on covering yesterday’s news, but that is beside the point. Although the good thing – when we come back on the 9th our next set of the Top 10 Hot 10 is going to focus on the sports and entertainment industry! Yes, everyone from Aubrey Huff to Sean Hannity to James Woods to Clint Eastwood and everybody in between is going to be covered, and there will be another edition of Holy Shit to go along with it! Just like the last time we will begin announcing our picks for this batch of the Top 10 Hot 10 on 9/2 on our Twitter feed at @10Idiots! OK I’m rambling enough. That’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first I have to play this short but sweet Biden ad aimed at football fans (myself included!):



So where do we start for this best of? Well in the #1 spot, from Idiots #9-2, we’re dedicating it to Trump’s extremely ill-timed and poorly planned MAGA rally in Tulsa that claimed the life of former presidential candidate Herman Cain, among other nonsense that came out of that. In the second spot from Idiots #9-8 is Kanye West (2). Yes, the College Dropout and inexplicable presidential candidate basically admitted that his whole campaign is a fraud meant to take votes away from Biden. Fuck him.In the third slot from Idiots #8-19, is Lockdown Protests (3). Yes we all get the dire straits that this wretched virus has left us in but these idiots were taking their protest game to the next level, and getting everyone else infected in the process! Taking the fourth slot, from Idiots #9-9 is Herman Cain (4). He sadly lost his battle with COVID-19 after attending Trump’s inane Tulsa rally, but his Twitter account is still inexplicably active! Who’s tweeting and why is it aimed at Biden and his supporters? Taking the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and from Idiots #8-17: Mississippi audited their government at the state and local levels and found some absolutely ridiculous spending sprees! Find out what they blew their money on this time! In the #6 slot, from Idiots #9-3, our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 (6) covered yet another disastrous rally, this time at an Arizona megachurch, and come find out the completely batshit justification as to why they held an indoor rally in the middle of the worst pandemic in a century! Taking the 7th slot this week, from Idiots #9-5, is our favorite segment “Beating A Dead Horse” (7), and this week, country music group Lady Antebellum dropped the word “Antebellum” from their name and found out the name Lady A was already taken, but who really owns the rights to the name Lady A? The answer is not what you would expect! Taking the 8th slot this week, from Idiots #9-6, is our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner (8), and Q Anon followers took their fight to the DIY furniture industry and accused furniture manufacture Wayfair of sex trafficking, resulting in one of the most insane corporate apologies of all time! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a People Are Dumb, and we’re dedicating it to our favorite state, the Sunshine State, and a guy who spent his stimulus money on some absurdly stupid items! Finally this week in our documenting of the 2020 campaign, Road To The White House (10), Joe Biden names his nominee and it’s Kamala Harris! Find out what in store!Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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From: Idiots #9-2

Everyone knew that Trump holding an indoor event in the middle of the deadliest pandemic in 100 years was a colossally bad idea. And holding it in Tulsa, Oklahoma – the site of America’s worst race riot, on the day that slavery was ended – was also a bad idea. But allow me to engage in a bit of schadenfreude here. Because, nobody showed up! That’s right – absolutely nobody showed up to this rally. Don’t worry, we will get to that in a bit here. But he can make all the excuses all he wants, the fact of the matter is that COVID still reigns supreme, and until we start reeling in this monster, we can kiss large stadium gatherings like this goodbye. But that didn’t stop his most hardcore fans from showing up.





Ooh boy this one hit Trump where it hurts! Yes, he’s about as mad as an angry, animated Lewis Black with flames shooting out of his head. Of course, anger is the only emotion that Trump knows. Does he know fear? No. Does he know compassion? No. Does he know disgust? No. Does he know Joy? Hell freaking no! Trump wouldn’t know joy if it bit him in his ass! So he’s hopping mad about what happened in Tulsa, and it was glorious. This might be my favorite thing about this whole rally. Can we throw that image up there?



May that image be forever known as the downfall of the Trump administration! And I love all of the Spinal Tap comparisons – Trump might be at that stage.





Oh god that movie is a classic. I could totally see Trump going down that road. Maybe next he will open up for petting zoos and puppet shows. Assuming we have such activities in the near future. But you can bet there will be some firings and when that happens, get ready for the return of the Trumper Games! I mean this whole year just can’t get any weirder. And Trump’s gone through as many cabinet members as Spinal Tap has drummers. At Trump got him some ratings! Oh, those sweet, sweet ratings!





Yeah so there’s no sports, or recreation, or entertainment of any kind during this nightmare known as COVID-19. So Trump is the only game in town! He’s literally the kind of guy who would find a way to broadcast from the Springfield badlands while the entire world was held hostage by a nuclear bomb, and I wouldn’t put that past him. But that’s not stopping him from taking his show on the road!








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[font size="8"]Kanye West

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From: Idiots #9-8

Spoiler Alert!!!! Kanye West is completely full of shit! But if you’re here and you’ve been following our reporting for the last few weeks, you already knew that. This week however, the Yeezy for president campaign took a turn when he got caught admitting what we all pretty much could have figured out the obvious – his campaign is a spoiler campaign meant to help Trump and hurt Biden. But what you may not know is that he’s being used and abused by GOP operatives, and he doesn’t care. You also might be wondering when Kim is going to step in and put a stop to this. I would say normally Kanye’s hair brained schemes fizzle out when there’s something good on TV. But we’re in a pandemic and there’s no new content being produced.





Seriously, I could just post clips from that South Park episode and it would not really be that much different than what’s going on now. But let’s do a little bit of onion peeling here. See, if we take a pairing knife to the onion and start removing the layers, this story stinks. Of course he actually admits to being a spoiler in the election and it’s a hell of a lot worse than you might think.





We already have one batshit crazy, completely unstable egomaniacal jackass running the show, do we really need another one? Hell no! and we also don’t need this coming around in 2024 either. So what’s stopping Kanye? Well, there is this thing called the Federal Election Commission, which we profiled during our tour of the government (see: Top 10 #5-18 ). So yeah they’re stepping in in the great state of Illinois!





God, I would certainly hope not! But wait until you see *WHY* Kanye is not getting on the ballot. Sure, he may have racked up those signatures pretty quick, but it turns out that a good majority of said signatures are complete bullshit. See, you know people aren’t taking his campaign seriously when they start fucking with the petitions and putting fake names on it. But even more so when they put names of celebrities and cartoon characters. Well, Kanye is kind of a cartoon character.







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[font size="8"]MAGA Protestors
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From: Idiots #8-19

There’s no question that the Coronavirus outbreak has the potential to be the biggest disaster of a generation and could have social and economic consequences that will last way until the next century, even after eradication. So naturally the masses from both sides are getting pissed and we want some answers. But there’s only one side that is taking it to the streets and protesting in mass numbers. And they’re not wearing masks. OK maybe they are wearing masks as V For Vendetta characters. Which, if you explain them the true meaning of the movie, well… they might not take it so well. So how are the MAGA protests going? Let’s take a look at my home state of California where they’re going after Gov. Newsom hard.





Judging by their looks, I don’t think any of these men and women will be performing hunger strikes any time soon. Hey o!!! See what I did there? Of course we’re at the stage of the pandemic where we’re getting extremely restless. If you look at 1918, it was at this point where the dreaded second wave first started appearing, even as cases went down. So do you trade responsibility for freedoms? This is America, nobody wants to be responsible for anything!





Just wait until that chant gets heard outside Sacramento! But the US isn’t the only country experiencing protests from the ultra far right. Of course I’ve mentioned frequently on this program that the ultra far right are the same no matter what country you visit. Remember when we used to visit other countries before the pandemic? That was nice. But let’s take a look at Spain for instance.





Hey MAGAs, conservatives, and Trump supporters – let me liberal ‘splain something for you – we both want the same thing! No one wants social distancing. No one wants to live in this weird, isolated world that we’ve become since the pandemic. We all want things to go back to the normal we had before the nightmare started. I want to go back to seeing movies, live shows and sports again. I want to resume traveling and touring again! But if you don’t follow the rules during the pandemic, there might not be a normal to return to! Especially if this guy gets his way!






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[font size="8"]Herman Cain
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From: Idiots #9-9

This next entry is going to go against the long, long standing Top 10 policy that we never speak ill of the dead. But when the dead are mysteriously using their Twitter accounts to speak ill of us, that’s when I throw out the rules and say “fuck it” and start fighting fire with fire! If you’ve been following the Top 10, you know that former presidential candidate and pizza magnate Herman Cain sadly lost his brief battle with COVID-19. But if you’re on the Tweet Sphere, you know that somehow, Cain has mysteriously risen from the dead and is tweeting republican! Yes, to borrow that classic Bart Simpson line. So how did someone manage to get a hold of Cain’s verified account and why are they using it for bad? Because fuck it, that’s why!





Well in this case they’re tweeting republican! But why? And why is this so fucking creepy? Well Hermain Cain was a naturally creepy individual by nature. I mean we all saw that weird campaign ad from when he actually attempted to run:



Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. 8 years later and that still creeps me the fuck out. But seriously, speaking of the creep factor, here’s why this is so creepy.





So this begs the question – if Herman Cain is dead, then who’s got a hold of his account? And why is this individual using it to promote the dark side? Well the “Cain Gang” has taken over his account and they are apparently using it to spread his legacy. And by the way is the name “Cain Gang” what you really want to call your army of followers? Or do you even have an army? Maybe it’s just a small but vocal fan club.





Wait, let me get this straight. Kamala has a lot of baggage but your man dies from a plague after hanging out with Trump in Oklahoma City? Get the fuck out of here! And come on, Cain Gang, whoever you are, we’re onto you! And I really hate to use TMZ for this angle of the story but I couldn’t find anything else but guess what? No violation at all! Even though Twitter has rules against this sort of thing!








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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Mississippi Audit Scandal
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From: Idiots #8-17

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



When greed and corruption happen at all walks of life, who is to blame? Well there’s many different levels of greed that happen all around us. We go to Mississippi for this story. Where there’s a tale of corruption and greed that is dwarfing and even eclipsing the Enron scandal. It appears that an audit of Mississippi’s financial assets revealed some absolutely ridiculous spending on some very lavish and unnecessary items. And when we say unnecessary items, we mean luxury sports cars, expensive houses, and much much more. Think of this as the Enron scandal, circa 2020. And we can’t even get out much right now.





So in a time when the entire economy is entering levels not seen since the Great Depression because of social distancing measures, what’s $94 million in wasted government spending? This is the kind of government spending that the GOP warned us about. Not only that, how did celebrities like Brett Farve get involved in this? Because this is the kind of fraud that is well, beyond fraud. At least Farve is off the hook.





That’s Farva. Not Farve. We had a typo in our search engine there. But not only was Brett Farve name dropped in this bizarre scandal, there was also some big name wrestlers in this thing that were being hired for motivational speaking gigs, never performed, but still got paid very well. This must be nice in this day and age to get paid this kind of money for not really doing anything.





Yeah sure so the government of Mississippi just name dropped all Mississippi celebrities in a bizarre audit and wasteful spending. So Mississippi might be SOL when it comes to a wasteful spending spree, and these days that kind of money might be hard to find. But certainly they are not the only ones out there. The government of Mississippi is just the ones who got caught. And expect many more where that came from.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: The Dark One Goes To Church
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From: Idiots #9-3

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair online congregation! You know with churches going online and not congregating in public for the foreseeable future due to coronavirus, we’re kind of running low on material right now. But thankfully last week that SAYVED! For the unholy, ungodly Dark One whose name shall not be mentioned in my church – even if it is an online and virtual one, actually went to a church. He is a SINNER, who does some absolutely unspeakable things, yet he views himself as the godliest of the godly! And among that crowd, he can do no wrong! So why is he pandering to the holiest among us? Well, also why not? Because screw everyone that he doesn’t agree with, that’s why!





Yes let’s wait two weeks to see where this is heading and it cannot be good. For the commander in chief is doing an absolutely terrible job of setting such an example of what to do during these trying times, he is failing on every level! But how is his second in command doing? Well he’s not doing much better, and he was the guy who was picked to lead us in charge to tackle this forsaken virus!





Seriously guys, this isn’t the 1980s, this is 2020 and there is a deadly virus roaming the landscape, and it is not stopping! It’s going to get worse. And you shouldn’t be going to church right now. But no one is canceling church, and I’m sure that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would back me up here! If you want to get back to your old life and I know we all do, real change starts at the top! Of course I still won’t mention his name in my church, even if it is virtual!





Yes, churches are the biggest problem that the unholy, ungodly Dark One and his DAYMONS are facing at the moment. But he’s not going down without a fight. For his network is actively encouraging people to defy orders and defy the LAWRD, you’ve got another thing coming! And you are most definitely not welcome in my church – online or in person – until you get a grip on reality! But this is not the kind of thing you want to hear in a sermon, and you won’t hear it in my church! I won’t allow it!





So do not take any medicine offered by the Dark One, for he is the virus! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Lady A Vs Lady A
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From: Idiots #9-5



Pop quiz, hot shot! You’re in a super popular country music group, and you’re under fire for having a racist name in a time when racism is finally getting scrubbed from the annals of American history! So what do you do? What do you DO???? Well, the Dixie Chicks recently dropped the “Dixie” from their name and are going by “The Chicks”. Now here’s the conundrum. Country music’s controversial group Lady Antebellum, dropped the southern moniker “Antebellum” and is going with the name Lady A. But… but… there’s already a singer with the name Lady A, who is from Seattle, and has had that stage name for over 20 years! How did that happen, and why has Lady A not fired their manager yet? Instead, Lady A, the band, is taking a much different and way more American route than Lady A the singer is. See if you can guess what that is!





Yeah probably. But it’s not racism here that’s the problem. The problem is that one group has apparently felt that money is a far more important issue and they need a lot more of it, which is also a very American thing to do. But like Coronavirus, expect this lawsuit to sting and linger in the air for a very long time to come. It’s basically a battle of money vs reputation, and money usually wins out in this day and age.





Good question! Why? Well, money, and bullshit. Plus there’s no way that the members of the group formerly known as Lady Antebellum thought this through. So, like Eminem says, will the real Lady A please stand up? Please stand up? Please stand up? OK I got a little carried away here. But the fact of the matter is that it’s way more complicated than you might think.





Maybe don’t hire that guy. But in addition to being a trademark and lawsuit nightmare, this reimagining of Lady Antebellum as Lady A has also been a PR nightmare! Yes, in addition to lawsuit headaches, they are also dealing with bad press. That’s a thing that nobody wants to deal with. But that can hurt a music act’s reputation no matter what genre it is. Seriously, ask Michael Jackson. What? Too soon? Well this does not appear to be going away any time soon.







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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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From: Idiots #9-6



Welcome back to the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable! It’s Conspiracy Corner! Oh hello, I am broadcasting the inner most thoughts from deep inside my brain from an underground bunker in the vast cornfields of the rural Iowa farmlands! Of course it’s an undisclosed location! Just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government blockage. They are trying to read my thoughts and your thoughts after all. So this week, an extra dose of crazy happened as Trump’s favorite cult Q Anon attempted to dig up some dirt on furniture purveyor Wayfair, and not only did it backfire on them spectacularly, they have lost one of their biggest social media hangouts where they can wreak their brand of conspiracy theory havoc!





Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Put a warning label on that one! But seriously, Q Anon has gone full batshit, and in a world where we currently don’t have anything to do, can we at least get something to do for the Q Anon nuts? Because they clearly need a hobby, and this one ain’t it. So who started this insane conspiracy theory? And why are they so convinced? Yeah right now we’re trying to survive a horrible pandemic and retailers might be going a little overboard with price gouging, but not this.





Well I guess that’s one way to go furniture shopping right now! But yeah sure, buy a $17,000 desk and it contains a… child? How did that one get past the loading docks? Really, these people are fucking batshit crazy, and they really need to find a hobby. But you know what is not to be done? Don’t overload the national child sex trafficking hotline with bullshit conspiracy theories, OK? This is a fake crisis, don’t make it a real one!





Yes, we get it, this is one of the worst crimes imaginable. But why the fuck are you so obsessed with it right now? I get that we don’t have anything to do. Really, don’t waste Wayfair’s time, and don’t waste the time of actual officials who are trying to find real sex traffickers. And by the way this can have some real world consequences for you if you get caught trying to do this. So really, shut the fuck up and keep the batshit insanity to yourself.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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From: Idiots #9-7

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb! This week, we’re taking to our favorite place in the world – the Sunshine State! Even in the worst pandemic in an entire century, the Sunshine State always brings the crazy! But mainly I wanted to use this space to talk about one specific story. We of course are going to that magical Florida city of Miami. Home, of course, to the Miami Marlins, to the Miami Heat, to the Miami Dolphins, to serial killer extraordinaire Dexter Morgan, and now they’re home to this douchebag. Look, if you’re going to fleece the government for life saving PPP money, maybe keep a low profile, OK?





Of course the Lamborghini is always the much more subtle choice! Next up – speaking of Batman, we go to the Florida city of Englewood for this one. Yeah if you wind up getting arrested for a DUI, maybe don’t tell the police that you’re Batman. But while Batman would never get a DUI, chances are good that Commissioner Gordon is going to be following Batman’s case load.





Yeah no this guy is not the hero we need or deserve, is it? Next up – we go to the, and I hope I am pronouncing the name of this town right – Wimauma, where you should never have these particular two things in your hands at the same time. And by those two things, we are talking about guns and alcohol. And this story just keeps getting better and better. Cue the “hold my beer and watch this!” people!





You tell ‘em, Homer! Next up – America’s most penis-shaped state never fails to bring the crazy even during the worst pandemic in a century. Normally we would do these when we go to Florida but since we’re not going to Florida any time soon due to COVID restrictions, we are exploring the sunshine state from home! Well one thing we won’t be doing – exploring the state with a live candle in our cars!





Yeah I would say that’s probably the right time to abandon ship! Finally this week on People Are Dumb – you know the show Cops finally got yanked off the air after 30 seasons because people are sick of police brutality. But that said, we miss the crazy because this is the kind of thing that would almost certainly be featured on that particular program. If you get arrested, maybe don’t do cartwheels. Seriously.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Who Is Karen Bass?
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From: Idiots #9-8





Welcome back to… ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! Of course you know, thanks to COVID-19, we’re in what seems like literally the longest election year ever with each day slower than the one before it. So has presumptive nominee Biden chosen his running mate yet? Oh I see, maybe next week? Of course, the three stooges – Trump, Johnson, and Bolsonaro, are sadly, still inexplicably still in power. With two of those clowns having the virus and one shockingly still doesn’t. So the original piece that I had planned to do is no more, because it’s official! We have a running mate! And it’s who I called way back when the campaign started, and as a Californian, I couldn’t be happier for this nomination!





Yes that is a good point, while the rest of us are attempting to embrace diversity, the GOP is thinking of it the same way that Ron Burgundy does! So how did Kamala get to be the vice president on what is going to be the ticket that will end Trumpism once and for all? Well, her list of qualifications should surprise no one, and especially no one that’s been following California politics for quite some time!





Hell yeah let’s do this thing! We are fired up and we are ready to send Donald Trump and the Christian right packing! We need a real leader to lead us through these times so we can get back to doing what we love doing. And only Joe sees the dire straits that COVID-19 has put the US in, and it’s going to take a near Herculean effort to lead us out of this. But Joe and Kamala are ready to take charge on day one and do what needs to be done!





Yes let’s do this! Finally after 3 years of hell and 6 months of living in an absolute fucking nightmare, we are ready to tackle this thing. And at the end of this segment, I have a special message for the guy who we call president, Donald J. Trump. Hey Trump, guess what? You’re fired. And it’s time that we get a real president and a real vice president who know what they are doing, and Joe is ready! It’s time to kick their sorry asses to the curb and send them packing!



Hey Trump! Guess what?




See you next week!

Credits

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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Top 10 Home Office, Anaheim, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

August 26, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-10: Here Comes The Bad Year Blimp Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-10: Here Comes The Bad Year Blimp Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? If you’re a long time follower of the Top 10, one of our most popular features is the Wheel Of Corruption, in which I spin a giant wheel of 100 items on it, and then I have to talk about whatever the wheel lands on. Now you might be asking yourself “Where’s the Wheel Of Corruption”? Well the thing is the Wheel is part of our live show and is mainly meant to get a live audience reaction. Since there’s no live audiences right now, we can’t do that. And our Wheel and all the equipment is in our Burbank Studio, which we can’t go to right now because of the stay at home orders. So there. We won’t be doing the Wheel for a while but we will be bringing you some of our patented clips without context (patent pending) for this edition. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. That’s all we’ve got right now is time. I’ve got some amazing news! Science may have discovered a hangover cure! We can’t cure COVID but we can cure hangovers! Yay, now when I do “I Need A Drink”, I can chug Jack Daniels at home and not look like a raging alcoholic! Well, in theory, anyways. Researchers in Finland discovered that 1200MG of the amino acid L-cystine can stem off hangovers in tablet form. And it will be great when we can start going to bars again, because this is the kind of thing that we need. Not only that, this pill has also prevented nausea, headache, stress, and anxiety! So it’s a win-win. Now I just need to drink enough to help me get through this nightmare of a pandemic! Where’s my bottle of Jack Daniels at? OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he talks further about the ridiculous situation that Trump’s Border Wall has brought us:



Sigh, yet another week under the dreaded pandemic but at least we had a really awesome DNC! So in the top spot this week we’re going to take you through some highlights of the DNC (1) which went way better than expected! In the second slot, we’re going to take you through highlights of the RNC (2) and well, expect 4 straight nights of Trump barfing his brain, some has-been celebrities, and every single member of his family giving a speech. In the third slot this week is the man himself, Donald J. Trump (3), and he attempted to burn the GOP racist dog whistle known as “cancel culture” by attempting to stick it to Goodyear Tires, and well, it backfired on him hilariously! And yes, our standards for the RNC were much, much lower. Taking the fourth slot this week is Steve Bannon (4). He is up to some ridiculously shady shit with his “We Build The Wall” charity, but it may be part of an even larger scam, licensed and endorsed by Trump himself! Grifters gotta grift. In the fifth slot this week is of course our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re taking a look at what is happening in Belarus. Yes, the European country that is home to Minsk is in the midst of a revolution and an evil president who is refusing to give up power, get a sneak preview of what that might look like here! Taking the 6th slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week the Christian right has a few tricks up their sleeve to revitalize voters, known as the “50 Day Fight Plan”. Our pastor is going to analyze this plan and come up with one of his own! In the seventh slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and this week, Fox News’ favorite blank stare guy, Tucker Carlson, is taking on Cardi B for her controversial new song “WAP”. And yeah the white guy fails to understand everyone not like him again! In the 8th slot this week, we have a new “This Fucking Guy” (8) and we’re going to profile the Western Kentucky teenager who made national headlines last year and is a guest speaker at the RNC this year, Nicholas Sandman (8). Expect him to call the media a bunch of big meanie heads. In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week we have a new “I Need A Drink” and we’re gonna need some drinks to get through Netflix’s controversial new series “Cuties”. In doing research for this one, I might be put on a few Q Anon watch lists! Finally this week, in our ongoing series that is looking at the election, Road To The White House, we’re going to examine the celebrity endorsements of both Biden and Trump. Because they are different, and you will never guess who endorses who! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]DNC Recap
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Yeah yeah I know that the sign on the door says “Top 10 Conservative Idiots” and we’re not supposed to talk about anything the Dems do, but we’re really just commenting on anything in the news right now so fuck it! This is my show I will talk about what I want, damn it! So Joseph Biden is now *OFFICIALLY* the nominee for the 46th president of the United States, while Kamala Harris stands to be his running mate and the next vice president of the United States. How awesome is that? Can I get a round of applause, my virtual audience? Thank you! So we have to bring you some highlights of the DNC and there’s a lot to digest, especially how we move forward after the devastation wrought this year. Joe Biden had some warnings about what to expect, and it’s not pretty.





Unfortunately that’s not going to kill the virus there. But we must heed Joe’s warning, damn it! So grim warnings aside, the DNC was mostly positive compared to what the RNC is doing, and we will get to that in a minute. But we do have to talk about how awesome the roll call was, and how the conservatives will never have anything like it. Because while the Democrats embrace diversity, the republicans think of it the same way that Ron Burgundy does.





No, that’s the conservative line of thinking. But some of the best speeches of the whole week came from Biden’s former primary opponent Bernie Sanders and former first lady Michelle Obama. Both of these speeches are great and worth seeking out on Youtube. This is how we beat Donald Trump – we come together and we fight. So here’s how that whole thing panned out and it was definitely why I’m a Democrat and still in this fight!





No no, Bernie isn’t Grandpa, though you could probably have Bernie narrate Grandpa’s quotes in his voice and no one would know the difference. And yes I am dodging things being thrown at me by disgruntled Bernie supporters. Virtually. But one thing that I have to point out about this presidential election is the key difference between the two parties. Joe Biden has nearly all of the former presidents endorsing him. Trump? He has zero. And that’s saying something!






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[font size="8"]RNC Recap
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Let’s do another one of our patented clips without context!



Nah. Given his bad diet, laziness, and the fact that everyone around him has COVID, he’s more likely to die of a heart attack than he is from an assassin. Nice try, Rick.



OK not to be outdone, there’s plenty on display at the RNC. Of course we won’t get to all of it – we don’t have that kind of time! In fact I wanted to live blog this week but I respect my writers so I didn’t want to be making a call to the emergency room when this edition is over. But that said, how fucking crazy is it that Trump is literally speaking every single night of this convention? Who the hell does that? And what could he possibly say that’s different from one night to the next? Does his brain just vomit shit out and then he somehow manages to put it into word form? Well, that is a thing and unfortunately Trump’s ego is the size of Kansas and that’s something that we unfortunately have to deal with.





That is a good question, sir! Can the mind vomit? Well Trump’s mind vomits on a daily basis – just take a look at his Twitter feed! Hey o!!!! Thank you I’m here all week, don’t forget to tip your virtual server via VENMO. Yes, that’s a 2020 social distancing joke. But speaking of crazy, we have to talk about the batshit crazy performance from Trump Jr’s girlfriend Kimberly Guillfoyle. Did you know she was married to Gavin Newsom? Yeah I had no idea either. But this speech is beyond ridiculous.





Yeah you know I liked that speech better when it was in the original German! Thank you my fair virtual audience! But while the Democrats are bringing people together and getting positive remarks, the Republicans on the other hand are taking things in the much more opposite direction. Instead of images of hope, the conservatives are painting images of fear. And some light racism. Well, replace the word “light” with “heavy”.





No, no, that comes later. While the Democrats are bringing people together, the GOP are tearing people apart. And there is no president I’ve ever seen that just revels in hate the way Trump does. And then he accuses the other side (us) of being the hateful ones. But if you’re tired of the “owning the libs” bullshit as much as I am, well, here’s where it gets weird. There’s no president in my lifetime where they have told the other side to fuck off like Trump has.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Silly Donald. When will you learn that you cannot cancel the cancelers of cancel culture? Yes, in this day and age where everything is getting canceled for so much as attempting to look at you funny, Trump attempted his own hand at cancelling the cancel culture, and well, it backfired on him hilariously. What was the target you might ask? Well the target is Goodyear. And like moths to a bug zapper, here comes the Bad Year Blimp! So here’s how it happened. A Goodyear employee was attending a sensitivity training seminar. Said employee found out that MAGA hats were banned, took photo, uploaded it to social media, and all hell broke loose. So of course naturally the Trump MAGA conservatives got their underwear in a wad and immediately assumed their free speech rights were under attack. Or were they?





Sigh… excuse me a minute, I have to go yell at my producer on Skype. No, that was last week! OK I’m back. But yeah so if you’re keeping score at home, so far Trump has endorsed Goya beans and Goodyear’s biggest competitor, Continental Tires. But was this a jab at Goodyear, or a jab at the racist dogwhistle known as “cancel culture”? Well it was a little from column A, and a little from column B.





Yeah probably. But here’s where this whole thing gets weird and goes south, because you knew it was going to. Trump does have one ally in Congress backing him up on this, and that’s notoriously toxic Ohio representative Jim Jordan. Yup, the Congressman who is known by his more common nickname Gym Jordan, who was asking of course some completely inane questions and getting well, equally inane responses. Because this is 2020 after all.





Ha ha ha ha. But the bad thing? This is going to come back to bite Trump on the ass hard. Because if there’s one thing Ohioans don’t like, it’s when somebody fucks with their business. And yeah there’s no football this year because of COVID, so that’s all they’ve got! The good news though is that Biden is going to use your tomfoolery in a campaign ad against you! Here’s what you have to look forward to, Spanky, your days are numbered!






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[font size="8"]Steve Bannon
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Ah it’s another one of our clips without context!



Of course it would only make sense that Satan’s minions are conspiring against Trump!

You know I make no mistake about my love of the TV show Arrested Development. If you don’t know then drop what you’re doing and go watch it. But the show revolves around the once fabulously wealthy Bluth Family and their real estate empire, and it all crashes and burns, and the one member of the family who can save the family business wants nothing to do with them. And watching Steve Bannon get arrested on a boat was quite frankly a lesson in life imitating art. Because the pilot episode of that show revolves around Bluth family patriarch George Bluth getting arrested at a boat party for shady business practices. And here’s how he got arrested. Remember that “We Build The Wall” charity from a couple of years ago? Yup that was fraud! So how did that play out?





Oh sorry I got carried away there, but this is too damn good. In case you’re wondering, yes, I did have my Instacart driver bring me the largest thing of microwave popcorn I could get and the requisite bucket to fill with. And yes, this could bring down some major Trumpers with it! So here’s the thing – if you donate to a Trump, expect them to take it and not give you a refund when things go south. Trump is a dirty dealer, plain and simple.





Um… define “light” there, guy. Oh and by the way in case you’re wondering where this is going, well, it’s going full Nazi. And if you’re wondering how far “full Nazi” goes, it goes literally all the way. Because guess who is involved? That’s right, the elder Trump brother Trump Junior. And he appeared at an event with who else? Neo Nazis! Here’s the thing guys, you don’t go full Nazi. You never, ever go full Nazi!





Man if that’s your attorney then who is the prosecutor? Well that’s one thing that this has brought to light and maybe it explains why Trump is so afraid of the USPS! Because did you know that the USPS has its’ own police force? That’s right, and you could say that it’s just like Scientology, because Scientology has their own police force and a super-secret sea prison that they send the unbelievers to. Oh wait, I’ve said too much, damn it!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Belarus Revolution
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



They say that Donald Trump will not want to leave the White House if he’s going to lose the 2020 election. If you want to get a preview of how those events might unfold, then look to the Eastern European of Belarus. A more accurate comparison would be to see how the events of the Ukraine revolution panned out in 2015. But that said, the people of Belarus are at a crossroads. There’s different schools of thought as to how this revolution could pan out. But the fact is that the people of that nation are waking up to the dangers of their regime and the possibility of them cozying up to Russia. But then again nearly everything comes back to Russia in this day and age. How is this going to pan out? Well here’s how this could play out.





Yes, the people of Belarus have woken up. Their president is in a position where he won’t leave their government and the people are looking to get rid of him. But how do you oust a leader in a position of power like that when he could theoretically use the military against you? That’s a tricky situation that the people of Belarus are going to have to navigate. So where is the country headed from here? It’s not going to be what it once was.





So far these revolutionists don’t appear to be carrying torches. That might be the next step. But if you want to see a preview of what could happen not just in America but anywhere in the world this would be a good indication of where we are headed if we keep electing fascist dictators. But what is a “color revolution”? That is what they are calling the events that are taking place in Belarus and neighboring country Kyrgyzstan.





So this situation is more similar to the Ukraine or any country where fascism is on the rise, like Turkey, Spain, France, the UK, and all around the world. And all of these countries have one thing in common: a relationship with Mother Russia. Yes, Vladimir Putin is putting his stamp on the world and converting the entire world to be consummate in his flirtation with becoming the world’s dictator. And if more countries are flipped, it might be too little too late. But this is a warning for America and the rest of the world.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Hey! It’s another one of our clips without context!



That’s funny, I don’t remember that being a part of the party platform! Now it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! We are currently in a battle for the heart and soul of this nation! I do not say that lightly because in this most egregious of times, we can find comfort in the good LAWRD JAYSUS CHRIST. For he is truly humbled in our presence. And I say this now because we are about to get political here, and as we have tested the limits of the IRS requirement before, wait until I show you how far down the rabbit hole we go because of this! Yes, I do get tired of the Matrix references. But that said, those on the right are about to revitalize voters, whatever that means. Especially now that Jerry Falwell Jr is embroiled in that scandal. We went over that in full last week but I still have to point it out because these are the people that want to control the soul of America!





I almost kind of want to post that on a Liberty University message board. Now now, thou musn’t gloat, it’s in the Good Book which we still have available! But that said, conservative Christians are at a moral crossroads because their unwavering support of the unholy, ungodly Dark One, a man so disgusting that his name must not be mentioned in my church, even if it is virtual, is costing them votes! And come on, is this really what we want?





Except that there is judgement here, and that’s all they do. But this might be one of my favorite things to come out of the 2020 election. They have a “50 day fight plan” to revitalize voters. And why not? It’s not like they need revitalization, I think it’s safe to say that their mind is already made up. Do they really need prayer points? I could come up with some prayer points of my own!





Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! I’m sure this is not what the Good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now, is it! Because if they think that the Dark One is of a sound mind, I can assure you that he is not! But if the unholy Dark One is of a sound mind, then what does it say about them? Well let’s look at their prayer warriors, and I am going to go over this in full the next time we congregate. But one of my favorite Dark One-loving organizations, the Family Research Council, wants to save America from a “Godless left”. Now who are the godless ones really?





Yup and they’re gonna feel real bad about themselves when their boy loses, because good must triumph over evil! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy
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This week’s this fucking guy is Nicholas Sandmann. You might remember him as the smirking MAGA douchebag from last years’ Indigenous People’s Rally that was held in Washington, DC (see: Top 10 #6-3 ). Well, now that smirking MAGA kid has a lot more to smile about because he literally won the lottery. Just remember the American way – if you don’t like it, sue! But this week, Mr. Sandman has been elevated to a whole new level of fame because he’s been an invited guest at the RNC. Yes, as much as Trump loves himself, he has a psychotic hatred for the American news media, so as you can guess naturally he loves this kid, because, reasons. Now hold your boos.





So lesson learned: if you are wearing a MAGA hat, you can sue anyone for anything if they so much as look at you funny! But now this kid is being poised to be featured as a speaker at the RNC. Because, why not? The party that loves to “trigger the snowflakes” are a bunch of easily triggered snowflakes! They also seem to love anyone who will “own the libs”. Because they are a bunch of psychopaths. What can you expect at the RNC? Well expect a lot of Trump love.





So here’s the difference between the two parties. The left has David Hogg, who survived one of the worst school shootings in 20 years. And the right has Nicholas Sandman, a smirking teenager who happened to be in the right place at the right time and wearing the same hat that Trump does. But speaking of attorneys, you’d better be careful who you hire if you’re going to sue the shit out of the major networks and newspapers.





Yeah fuck off!!! You guys are concerned about bullying and slander? Have you seen what Trump tweets on a daily basis? Or have you listened to Rush and Hannity and heard what they say on a daily basis? I mean come on, that’s some straight up bullying. And unlike what this kid went through, we don’t challenge Fox News! Maybe we should start. Because they’re not done. You know what they say – the beatings will continue until morale improves!





Again, fuck off!! If you can’t beat ‘em, sue, sue again! Uh oh, I hope I don’t get sued for this piece! That’s Nicholas Sandman, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Tucker Carlson Vs Cardi B
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Hey it’s time for another clip without context!



Whew, you guys got to stop smoking the covefefe, it’s bad for you! It’s now time for: Beating A Dead Horse!



I’m getting reaaaaaaaaaaaally sick of conservatives using the talking point that all liberals are “triggered snowflakes”. You know who the real triggered snowflake is? White conservative males. And you know what triggers them? Women. They can’t stand being around women of any kind. Even their own wives and daughters. Case in point: Tucker Carlson is triggered by none other than Latina rapper Cardi B, a rapper who is famous for her depictions of bling in her songs, and among other things, some extremely graphic depictions of the feminine lifestyle. And by “feminine lifestyle”, I mean sex and female body parts. Also, by female body parts, I mean the clitoris, ovaries, and the vagina, or as some rappers call it, the vajayjay! So Tucker Carlson got extremely triggered by Cardi B’s new song “WAP”, which stands for, and I’m guessing, Wet Ass Pussy. So here’s where the offense comes in.





Wait a minute, whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re comparing Cardi B to James Brown? Well, let me spell it out for you, Tucker. James Brown was a product of his time and his songs suggested way more than the lyrics did. And I'm guessing that by today's standards, if you were to do some digging, you could probably find a sexual misconduct lawsuit or two in there somewhere. Here, the lyrics don’t suggest anything. You know this song is Cardi B talking about her vaginal area. But here’s where they don’t tell you why they are angry about Cardi B.





That’s actually Cypress Hill. But that’s right – they’re not triggered by Cardi B’s song WAP. They’re more triggered by the fact that she supports the next president of the United States, Joe Biden and not the current president, Donald Trump. So yeah Tucker, you’re just looking for an excuse to be pissed off at something. Look I get it, it’s a time to be mad at everything. Now playing devil’s advocate, here’s where things go a bit too far.





Seriously, Cardi, you’re going to go there? We can’t even track all the people who have COVID! Good luck with that one. But who’s the real triggered snowflake in all of this? Oh yeah it’s Tucker. And man is he fucking triggered in this piece! But you know what? If you don’t like it, change the damn channel! Or stream something else to your wifi! It’s not like you don’t have a choice right now. We live in a land where you can get any content you want 24 hours a day. So I say this in all seriousness – shut the fuck up, Tucker. Also, you don’t care about kids at all.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink

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Hey everyone! I could really use a drink!



So you know the idea about this is that we have some drinks and while we’re drinking we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because let’s face it, there’s some seriously dark shit out there. And I do miss my live audience. Because drinking at home while recording this on my desktop with my webcam just isn’t nearly as fun. I miss my sarcastic bartender. This virtual bartender isn’t nearly as fun. So tell me virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about a creepy new Netflix show? A mudslide? OK who’s been screwing with this thing? Just give me my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. This week we’re going to talk about the controversial new Netflix series called “Cuties” and whew, this is getting quite the reaction. And it’s batshit insane.





Oh yeah that’s the stuff! Excuse me while I pour another round here. So of course just the poster is triggering people. But have you seen child beauty pageants? Those people are fucking insane! And come on this isn’t any different than what those Q Anon dipshits have come up with. The real outrage should be that people haven’t seen it yet and they’re literally judging a book by its’ cover.





OK here’s where cancel culture goes berserk. And I totally get Bill Maher on this one, but here’s the thing – we here at the Top 10 do *NOT* endorse any kind of perversion or any kind of sexual exploitation of minors. Fuck that shit. But the film was trying to make a point about this sort of thing, and the “won’t somebody please think of the children” crowd took things just a bit too far here. Of course we’re in a pandemic and they can’t complain in person, but their online outrage was noted.





OK why don’t we ask actual actresses what they think of this movie? Let’s take for instance Tessa Thompson, responsible for one of my favorite recent movies Thor: Ragnarok. Now Ms. Thompson of course is a woman who grew up in cinema and saw this kind of thing first hand. Now what does she think of this most egregious of movies? Well, it’s a decidedly different take than the “Won’t somebody please think of the children” crowd.






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to the segment where we are documenting everything leading up to the 2020 election to end all elections! This is… cue reverb… THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Oh that was some good reverb there! Last week we brought you all the GOP reactions to Joe Biden’s historic nomination of California senator Kamala Harris to be his running mate. This week, we’re going to talk celebrity endorsements. And I had to look up who is still endorsing Trump because that list is getting shorter and shorter every day. Trump did pick up a celebrity endorsement this week – from former NFL legend Herschel Walker. But really, Herschel, if you are sad that Trump is being called racist, well, have you been paying attention the last four years?





Yes, break out the sad songs on the tiniest violin. Because if you want celebrity endorsements, you vote for Joe Biden. He attracts the cool celebrities. Trump on the other hand, attracts people like James Woods and Jon Voight. If that’s your cup of tea fine. But let’s keep in mind that here’s the kind of people and “celebrities” of the caliber that Trump attracts. People like the gun-toting McCloskeys of St. Louis!





Yeah compensate this. Now let’s switch gears and talk about Biden’s celebrity endorsements. See kids, if you want to hang with the cool crowd, vote for Joe Biden. If you want to see real artists, celebrities, entertainers, scientists, and everything in between, you vote for Biden. If you want to see lameness on display, by all means vote for Trump. So we’ll go hang out in the cool kids room, and you guys can wait behind the velvet rope to get in.




At least our VIP sign is much nicer than that! So let that be a lesson, there, kids. If you want to hang out with the cool kids, vote for Biden. If you want to hang out with the creeps and lowlifes, vote for Trump, and that’s about it. I know, I am repeating myself but I can’t emphasize that enough. And if it’s celebrity endorsements that you are after, by all means vote for Democrats! If you don’t care, then vote for Trump, it’s that simple.







We are taking a little bit of a break for Labor Day and we will running a Best Of on 9/2 and 9/9. We will be back on 9/15 with the second edition of our Top 10 Hot 10! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Top 10 Home Office, Anaheim, CA
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