January 25, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-1: Honey, I Shrunk The Cult! Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-1: Honey, I Shrunk The Cult! Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Santa Ana, how you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! We are back, baby! We are baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! We are back! Whew, and does it feel good to be back after what seemed like the longest January ever, am I right? Well before we hit the ground running on the new season for the new year, I want to take a minute and explain where the Top 10 is going. There have been rumors that we may pull the plug on our fine program at some point.. But right now, I can assure you that we ain’t going nowhere. I mean come on, it’s an election year! We can’t leave you guys hanging on what may be one of the most important elections in United States history, can we? What kind of hosts would that make us? Not very good ones if you ask us! As long as Trump and Fox News keep feeding the GOP monster, we’ll keep bringing you the free funny as long as possible! And as we mentioned in our Best Of for season 15, we’re going international! That’s right – in March, we’re heading to South America, in July we’re heading to Canada, and in September, we’re hitting the land down under, Australia, mate! So come on and join us because we’ve got lots of conservative idiots to cover and not a lot of time to cover them all! So it is an election year and we’re going into election mode, so all of our 10th slot tomfoolery is being saved for that oh so important election year coverage. We’re starting with Road To The Primaries, then of course it’s our annual look at red state insanity with our Stupidest State contest and we’re shaking things up a bit this year! Then once we come back in the summer it’s time for the Road To The White House, and the way things are going, we may not have to change intro graphics from the 2020 election, either! Sigh… whatever, just keep Trump and his MAGA / America First goons out of the White House as far as possible! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Stephen Colbert is back with his take about Trump’s cognitive abilities:



So where do we begin this week? Well as usual, whenever the Top 10 is off for an extended period of time, we like to play Catch Up On Stuff We Missed (1, 2) and holy hell did we miss a lot of conservative idiocy in the last few weeks! At the number one slot, we’re just going to dump all of the Trump related news into one slot and get it over with, which includes his latest nonsense at the E. Jean Carroll trial, his latest collection of NFT trading cards, and his insane NYE party at Mar-A-Lago which featured Vanilla Ice dancing with a Ninja Turtle. In the second slot is also Catch Up On Stuff We Missed (2) and republicans have been up to a lot of insanity. Which includes among other things, Kentucky legalizing incest, Dr. Fauci gets grilled by conspiracy theorists, MAGA defunds the IRS, and Ashlii Babbitt’s death is being blamed on the government. Sigh… SMDH. In the number 3 slot this week is also Donald Trump (3) and no, it’s not what you think. We have to talk about the shocking numbers of people who actually voted in the Iowa caucuses, which is revealing a lot about who’s still supporting him after all of his nonsense, and – surprise – his cult is dwindling in numbers! Maybe there is hope! In the number 4 slot this week is Greg Abbott (4). And boy his comments about what’s going on at the US – Mexico border is truly psychotic, and he’s hinted that the GOP wants nothing less than a “final” solution for immigrants, if you catchy my drift! In the number 5 slot this week is a new edition of “We’re All Gonna Die” (5) and extreme weather is affecting large parts of the country and the world! But get used to it, because things are going to get worse and it’s our new normal thanks to client change deniers. In the number 6 slot is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, MAGA republicans are increasingly making the claim that the presidency is “God’s will” but is it really? We have evidence from our founding fathers that proves to the contrary! In the number 7 slot, after her completely egregious and Fox News sponsored bullying of Harvard’s president, we add New York representative Elise Stefanik (Q – Batshit) to the ever growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected! In the number 8 slot is a new edition of our weekly venture into the world of online tin foil hat nuttery with Conspiracy Corner (8) – the election is 10 months away and MAGA robodialers are already attempting to gaslight it! We'll tell you how you can protect yourself! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink (9) and this week, a new survey suggests that millennials are tired of dating apps, and we have some bizarre new alternatives for you to try! Finally this week, it’s part 1 of our 4 part series Road To The Primaries (10) and if you thought that Iowa was weird, wait until you see what Fox News and the MAGAs have in store for the next round in New Hampshire! Sigh… why we can’t have nice things! And to close this out, we have the legendary Eagles stopping by! Go see their Long Goodbye tour now, you won’t regret it! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Catch Up On Stuff We Missed Pt. 1
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As usual, whenever the Top 10 takes an extended break, we like to play catch up on stuff we missed, and hoo boy, did we miss a lot in 6 weeks! And what’s really insane is that 2024 is starting the exact same way that 2023 ended – with everyone’s favorite loser president hawking another series of those idiotic NFTs he was hawking last year. Yes, for the low price of $99 in actual money, you can make it back and then some in… fake blockchain money. But this time, there’s a grand prize if you buy all 45 trading cards for the low price of… $4500. Yeah can we talk about that for a second? These are the same idiots who spend all of their time on social media complaining about gas prices, but they have $99 for this ridiculous bullshit? And we’re supposed to take them seriously? WTF. But this one comes with a grand prize – a piece of the “timeless” suit that Trump wore before the first of his indictments – that he then proceeded to destroy in one of his temper tantrums. No wonder he acts like a gigantic baby all the time.





Good question and even we don’t know! But speaking of MAGAs, we have to talk about the spectacular MAGA meltdown as the result of Green Day’s appearance during the New Year’s Eve concert in New York City. And by the way we’re not going to brag, but we have a very special musical guest lined up for our show in Brazil in March, and I’m not going to name names, but let’s say that it rhymes with Shmeen Shmay. But the MAGA meltdown on social media over Green Day changing the lyrics from their classic song “American Idiot” caused quite the MAGA sad. And come on, if you think Green Day is now “woke”, you don’t know Green Day, my friends.





And as we’ve said repeatedly – this is an election year. It’s our third one since this program has existed, can you believe that? We started with 2016, then 2020 and now 2024. And only time will tell if we make it to 2028 or we collectively lose our sanity and need to be committed covering the 2024 election. We hope it doesn’t come to that. We’ve survived worse. I mean shit, we survived COVID, we survived the first Trump administration. So how could things possibly get worse? Well apparently we’re at a place now where the GOP is now questioning the outcome of the Civil War. Yeah so not only are racists doubling down about what caused the Civil War, they’re actively saying that America is not racist. Move along, nothing to see here! Please disperse!





They’re taking this “the south shall rise again” thing a bit too literally aren’t they? The last thing I want to catch up with is the January 6th riots. Yes, we’re on the third anniversary now, and why Trump is not doing hard time at Rikers Island is a total mystery, but we’ll save that for another topic. By the way, we have answered your complaints about the fact that we’re not providing enough coverage of the rioters, and I will say we have a new segment coming that will answer your complaints! Stay tuned. What I want to talk about is the right wing’s attempt at gaslighting the J6 riots and also prisoners. One you may have seen on social media trying to get a sob story and sympathy going is Rachel Powell, the infamous J6 “bullhorn lady” who was seen on tape smashing windows and destroying property, Yeah fuck off with your pity party, we know what you did! Enjoy prison. Cue the world’s tiniest violin.






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[font size="8"]Catch Up On Stuff We Missed Pt 2
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Holy shit have we missed a lot in the last 6 weeks since we’ve been said goodbye to the year that was 2023. But I will say that nothing has given me more joy in that time than this footage that surfaced from a Patriot Front rally in New York City last weekend. Patriot Front, as you know, is a far right neo Nazi organization, and they were marching in New York City near the site of where the World Trade Center once stood. But they were stopped by that most baffling device unique to NYC – the turnstile. Can we roll that footage?

https://twitter.com/MuellerSheWrote/status/1749457140287479825

Holy shit, it’s just like that scene from Blazing Saddles! Somebody go back and get us a shitload of dimes!!



How many dimes are in a shitload? Let us know in the comments! But where do we start – 6 weeks is a lot of time! And don’t worry, my friends, we’ve got plenty of primary coverage coming your way. And you know when we do these, I always get someone coming and saying “Oh you forgot blah blah blah”, and I’m sure we did. After all, we only have so much time and so much ground to cover, and it’s my show, damn it! First off, we have to talk about the devastating shootings in Iowa and New Hampshire that happened over the break. And damn it, this shit must be stopped! Of course the NRA and Alex Jones aren’t helping. But once again, it paints a pattern of white males being radicalized on social media propaganda. Just stop watching this shit! It’s bad for you!





And by the way you know who’s not helping the case for mass shootings? First off, for Donald Trump for saying that the victims of this tragedy should – and I’m quoting “get over it”. Don’t believe me? Can we roll that clip? And who else isn’t helping - judges blocking any meaningful gun legislation getting passed. Yes, yet another law that might actually help prevent future disasters and mass murders is once again denied. Sigh… gun nuts and Fox News are the reason why we can’t have nice things in this country. And it’s insane that the party that is the champions of states rights, doesn’t want states to participate in exercising those rights if they pass laws that the MAGAs don’t like. So yeah because of the actions of this judge, expect the next mass shooting to be that much worse. And don’t think there won’t be another one!





Enough death talk for now. Why don’t we switch gears and talk about our old buddy Elon MusK? Yes, you know him as the CEO of Tesla, Space X, the Boring Company, Starlink, and probably the one he’s currently the most known for – X, the social media network formerly known as Twitter. I’m sure that most of our audience here saw that epic John Oliver takedown of Muskrat back during his year end show in December, right? Well if you didn’t it’s on Youtube and you can see it in all of its’ glorious splendor. Anyway, Elon apparently *STILL* has a sad about that. Oh won’t somebody please think of the oppressed billionaires?



The last thing I want to catch up on is everyone’s favorite subject – the right wing’s increasingly draconian war on education, and the MAGA hysteria over book bans, and their hard denial that they’re actually doing this. But one of my favorite stories – Bill O’Reilly, once a champion of the book bans, is mad that the idiots actually banned his books Killing Reagan and Killing Kennedy. But the state of Florida, obviously, in its’ continued race to the bottom, did this. They fucking banned the dictionary, encyclopedias, and the Guinness Book Of Records, because kids and porn, or something. WTF. Stop voting for stupid people!!!









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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Before we go any further, I want to preface by saying that I don’t want to keep talking about Donald Trump. I am tired of seeing his crap posted everywhere night after night, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. In fact before the end of the year last year, we just flat out banned all coverage relating to Trump’s rallies because of two reasons – 1 is that it could easily take up all 10 spots just debunking his bullshit. And the other is that he has one of these stupid rallies like every other day. But the reason why I am bringing it up for the purposes of this entry is this. We’ve been covering the MAGA shit show since 2015 now. And while it seems to be getting worse, there is a gleam of hope coming from the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries this week. That is that people are getting tired and fed up with his constant bickering and yammering 24 hours a day. His rally attendance numbers are dwindling rapidly. And fewer people voted for him than half of the regular attendance at a University Of Michigan football game, and we haven’t even got to the hilarious part yet. Yeah we’ll get into that in a minute. But here’s what is happening.





OK we haven’t got to the really hilarious part yet. And for the sake of this piece, let’s call it… how about since the right wing hates Disney so much because they were mean to Ron DeSantis, let’s call it “The Incredible Shrinking Cult”. Nah, it needs more zing. How about… “Honey, I Shrunk The Cult?”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I think Rick Moranis would approve! Even CNN showed that 64% of those voting in New Hampshire no longer identify with the MAGA cult. But I seriously wish that the media would stop with the damn hyperbole. No, he didn’t win in a “landslide”. He didn’t “crush” the competition. There was no competition! Shit, I’ve been in stadium crowds that had more people than the number that voted for him last week! WTF!





Yeah he may have been a winner… but he’s also a loser. You may have also seen MAGA loons like Marjorie Shit For Brains bragging on that site formerly know as Twitter that it’s a revolution because Trump won all 99 counties in Iowa. Here’s the thing – Iowa was already one of the reddest of red states in this country. We don’t care. And the other thing – nobody lives in those counties! Land can’t, and doesn’t vote! And of course, we don’t need to remind you that the bony MAGA king himself is warning people what would happen if he’s kept off the ballot because he tried to overthrow the government.





Of course you can. But if there’s one thing that the Iowa primaries showed us, it’s who really supports Trump, even after all the endless shit he’s put this country through in the last 10 years. And in case you haven’t guessed the primary demographic that still supports Trump is – wait for it – white males. Which make up for… *gets out calculator*… 30% of Iowa’s population. So if we extrapolate this to the whole country, if Trump only appeals to one demographic, then he’s going to be in a lot of trouble when the election actually happens. And if you thought the 2020 election was a colossal shit show, well you ain’t seen nothing yet!






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[font size="8"]Greg Abbott
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You know it’s a fucked up time period that we live in when Greg Abbott, the Fox News installed governor of Texas, has to be told by the Supreme Court – no he can’t use his razor wire death traps at the border to kill immigrants at will, in order to fulfill a conspiracy theory unfolding every night on the Sean Hannity show, and it’s not the number one thing on this list. But Fox News isn’t letting the GOP go soft on the border. In fact, Hannity flew to DC to give the MAGA reps a pep talk a few weeks ago like he was their regional manager or something. It’s absolutely shocking and disturbing what this cretin has been able to get away with. And Fox News lets him. Because they are a bunch of bloodthirsty psychopaths. And how do we know that they’re a bunch of bloodthirsty psychopaths that run the Lone Star State? Because they fucking told us they were. And Greg Abbott, the leader of the Lone Star State, has iterated what the GOP’s real plans for the southern border are. And you’re not going to like them. They basically involve… well, murder.





Yes, these people suck and boy do they! It’s insane that these people are going to great lengths to look for a stable place to live where their government doesn’t want to kill them, only to find out that their new government… wants to kill them. We went from “give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses” to “fuckoff and die, illegals!”. Yes, our standards have fallen drastically. And if you’re not laughing at this, you’re part of the problem. But what’s even worse – they actually have to explain to you why they’re not just flat out murdering immigrants. Yeah that’s a scary thoughthere!





Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit. Let’s think about this here for a minute. The only reason that Greg Abbott isn’t going full Nazi on the border is that he’s afraid of the Biden administration putting the kibosh on him. What the actual fuck. He’s basically admitting that the GOP and Fox News won’t accept anything less than a “final” solution at the border for migrants, if you catch my drift. That’s some straight up Nazi bullshit there. And we seriously wonder why it’s an absolute mystery as to why Abbott, Patrick, Paxton, and their Fox News cronies aren’t being dragged before the Hague to explain these crimes against humanity. And don’t worry, we’ll get into this way more next week.





Damn right! And not only is Texas not taking no for an answer, they’re doubling down on the border death traps, because it seems Greg Abbott is listening to his boss Sean Hannity, more than he’s listening to SCOTUS. And three of the justices that voted against him – are – wait for it – Republican! And these are people who do not like to be told “no”. The real border crisis that’s not being reported on is that Texas is being held hostage by some disgruntled news network employees who are as bloodthirsty as they are crazy. Don’t think the SCOTUS trial is the end of this, we’re just getting started.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die: Frozen Electric Car Hellscape
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Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOO. WOOO. WOO. So what’s going to kill us all this week, you might be asking? Well, I answer you good sir or madam – it’s your electric vehicle! And no, we’re not here to decry electric vehicles. No way, we’re very much in support of them! But what you might have seen, especially if you live in an area that’s been the subject of the extreme weather apocalypse that we’ve been facing lately, is that electric cars aren’t exactly equipped to properly handle the extreme cold. And well, we also learned that gas powered cars aren’t exactly equipped to handle the extreme cold weather, either. But we’re here to cut through the media fearmongering on what you might have seen in the news this week – piles of Teslas, Toyotas, Fords, Kias, and other EVs that are simply put, unusable because of extreme climate change. That’s apparently one thing Elon didn’t exactly inform Tesla owners of when they went and signed the papers.





Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Let’s extrapolate this here for a minute. Unless you’re running like some kind of weird block chain that runs while you’re charging your car, how are you making money on a $50K+ vehicle, exactly? I feel like they kind of buried the lead on this one! But that’s a different topic entirely! And yeah let’s think about the Uber drivers here for a minute! Like how are we supposed to get to the airport if they can’t charge their vehicles? Another piece of the puzzle. But once again this is that extreme climate change we’ve been talking about the last 5+ years. What’s really interesting is that it only seems to affect Teslas more than other vehicles. And no, Elon, you can’t expect to fix this problem in a software update.





No we’re not gonna die just yet. Look at it in terms of simple physics. Cold air and batteries do not mix at all. Like olive oil and vinegar. So now we play everyone’s favorite game – the blame game. And who do we blame for this catastrophe? Do we blame EV owners? Do we blame EV manufacturers? Do we blame Elon Musk? Do we blame EV chargers? And where am I going with this line of questioning? Even I don’t really know. But one thing we can blame on this is the weather. And the extreme weather we’re seeing right now – brought to you by News Corporation, the parent company of Fox News. So yeah let’s cut our losses and blame Fox for this one.





Look here’s the thing – EVs aren’t perfect, and leave your opinions about Elon out of this because we’ll save that for another topic. But there is one clear key component that will prevent future disasters that is already pretty much standard on most new electric vehicles. It’s a heat pump. And it’s also why gas cars fare better in colder weather than electric vehicles do. Now if you live in Arizona or Southern California or Las Vegas, no problem. You’re in the clear. But if you live in the mountains, you might want to be better prepared next winter or for the next snow storm comes, because as we say around here, sooner or later, we’re all gonna die. And you don’t want to be left out in the freezing cold because your car doesn’t work, either.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit

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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! We are back, everybody! And boy does it feel good to be back after our long winter slumber! I hope everyone enjoyed our spinoff program Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons, and I can assure you that there’s plenty more coming your way this year! For this is an election year, and I don’t need to tell you that there’s plenty at stake. So you might be asking why we can get away with talking politics when we’re supposed to be tax exempt? Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret: we’re an entertainment program! But actual churches are going all in on the unholy Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! In fact, some, like our current and soon to be former Speaker Of The House, Mike Johnson, are making the insane claim that whoever is president is God’s will. I mean can you believe this shit? Here we are cringing at the thought of church and state merging like two airlines, but these churches are getting away with this! So let’s test this theory.





That’s it? That’s all you got? It’s “your belief”? OK then whatever you say. Well it seems that GAWD is going to be working double overtime this year fulfilling all of these demands, because there sure seems to be a lot of them coming from multiple directions, and each one is crazier than the next. You really don’t want to open that can of worms because we will go there, my fair congregation! After all, we’ve been doing this thing 6 years now and they only seem to be getting crazier. Well behind door #1, we have this guy who says that those who try to interfere in the election will be struck down by GAWD, and that’s so extreme we can’t even wrap our heads around it!





And so do we! But really, MAGA Christians? Do we need the White House being controlled by the likes of these psychopaths? No we really don’t! In fact, our founding fathers would be vehemently opposed to what you are doing right now. The White House is not yours, OK? We rejected you back in 2020 and we’ll happily do it again! Do we really need the sons of the unholy Dark One trying to convince us that he’s doing GAWD’s will? Of course we don’t! But they’ll keep hammering this fact home until the brainwashed cult start repeating it, and it looks like they’ve already went ahead and done that. This is our first edition of the new year, and we’re already banging our heads against the wall!





Yeah… that’s the last person who should be lecturing us about divine intervention. Really? This is who you’ve chosen to be your savior? The guy could barely save himself from his 91 indictments and counting! But it’s no surprise that the MAGAs continue to go there, and they keep getting more dangerous and extreme with their rhetoric. I keep thinking it’s January. We’ve got 10 more ridiculously long, excruciating months of this ahead of us! But one thing we will be doing is giving you fuel for the fire to use against your MAGA friends and neighbors! When they start spewing this crap, you need to know where it’s coming from!
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Yes it is, especially support for the ungodly Dark One! This is just our first sermon this year, we’ve got 40 more of these ahead of us! I need a drink, my fair congregation, it’d better be some good and strong holy water! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Elise Stefanik
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week, it’s New York representative Elise Stefanik (Q – Woke). In case you haven’t noticed, the GOP is going all in on their war on education. And lately they’ve been taking the fight everywhere, whether it’s elementary schools with the draconian level book bans or high schools and universities because they might be - wait for it - woke, whatever that is.. But lately, ever since the onslaught of the terrifying and horrible atrocities being committed in the Middle East, they’ve been taking the battle to higher universities. Case in point: the recent takedown of Harvard president Claudine Gay. Which was cheered by most on the far right and was seen as mostly a blatant power grab. Here’s the thing that makes this even weirder – Stefanik herself is a Harvard graduate. And we can’t help but wonder what her takedown of these university presidents has in order. In fact there’s something that we just can’t quite put our fingers on. Oh wait, it’s racism. And also Fox News inspired bullying. Both are the reason why we can’t have nice things in this country.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! This was not, nor ever was about antisemitism, and it was never about the war in the Middle East. This was thinly veiled racism and a blatant attempt at a far right power grab. But here’s the thing, MAGAs – you can’t denounce antisemitism in others if you overlook and continue to excuse the LITERAL NAZIS that walk among your ranks! This never was, nor was ever about antisemitism, let’s make that perfectly clear! This was just flat out bullying egged on by her boss Sean Hannity every night on Fox News. And it’s not going to get any better any time soon.





No we’re straight booing you. Now let’s switch gears to the 2024 election – something that Stefanik has been very vocal about recently. And by very vocal, we mean that she won’t shut the fuck up about them, which is very typical of your average MAGA voter and House representative. But one thing Stefanik has made clear is that she won’t certify the 2024 election if it doesn’t go in favor of Fuckface von Pantload, that is one thing we are very clear of. And once the election is finally over and 2025 is here, we can be certain that we’ll be at shit hitting the fan levels of chaos in the House if the MAGAs don’t get their way, much like the whining toddlers you see in Target who scream about their parents not buying them that shiny new toy. But we can be assured of one thing – absolute chaos. Sigh… another reason why we can’t have nice things in this country.





Yeah clean that up! But here’s the thing that’s also really troubling – while the rest of the world is noticing that Trump is vastly deteriorating, Stefanik has gone on the defensive attempting to defend his recent behavior. It can’t be done, and Trump is just losing it on every single level. But even after 2020 and the events of January 6th, it looks as if not only do republicans want a repeat of that, they’re practically salivating over the idea of another coup, and this one being successful. And we can’t overlook that Elise was among the ones who were hiding that day, and was very vocal about it. She seems to be on the defensive now.





That’s election denying, reality shifting, university president firing MAGA representative Elise Stefanik, just another one of the extremely toxic politicians to add to the ever growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! You know, folks, it’s an election year. And we don’t need to remind you that there’s some very dark forces at work in this country looking to stir shit up when the time comes to actually cast your vote. You know why can’t hackers ever use their power for good? Why does it always have to be for evil? Case in point: Last week’s primary in New Hampshire was met with highly suspicious robo callers that used Joe Biden’s voice to tell people that they shouldn’t vote in the primaries. Yeah can you believe that shit? But anyway there’s more to this story and it’s as disturbing as it sounds.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This is some seriously evil shit! And AI isn’t just being used to manipulate primary voters in swing states like New Hampshire and Iowa. Oh no, my friends! But in our usual brand of paranoia, we can’t help but think that there will be multiple attempts to gaslight the 2024 election, because there’s way too much at stake. Hell, the future of American democracy hangs in the balance. In fact this is one of those things that could end very badly for all of those involved because the Feds are watching! So it’s not just for political gain, it’s also for telemarketers too, and the last thing we need is telemarketing robo callers becoming self aware.





That is a good question and we don’t know the answer! But as far as New Hampshire goes, the AI trickery and deception isn’t just limited to robocallers. In fact if you live in these states, it’s also being used to weaponize and manipulate your social media feeds as well. So as the primaries move from state to state and it’s increasingly looking like the Orange Turdblossom is going to be the eventual nominee for the GOP, you can expect the trickery and insanity to get that much more intense. And even worse is that it’s not going away any time soon.





So here’s the thing – if someone tells you that something is a deepfake, chances are very good that it could be used either way. You don’t know! You don’t know! But come on, people, the election is just a mere 10 months away that could decide once and for all if America chooses freedom or fascism. I know which way I’ll be voting! And in case you’re wondering, oh yeah it’s already a given that people are trying to mess with AI. Hell we saw that years ago when we first started this program (see: Idiots #1-22 ) ! Yeah they turned an innocent chat bot into a suicidal Nazi. So if they could do that 8 years ago, imagine the kind of damage they could do today! Things are getting scary out there!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



Of course you know by now that the idea of this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because, in case you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now. There’s war, famine, death, disease, climate change, the very real possibility of a second Trump presidency… all of it is bad. So we feel the only natural solution is to belly up to the bar, grab a glass of your favorite beverage, and escape reality for a few minutes. My sober brothers and sisters, don’t worry, we got you covered too. Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! Well this week we’re going to talk about a viral drinking craze. And no I’m not talking about when people filled up giant water jugs halfway with vodka and sent themselves to the emergency room. You’ve probably heard about these drinking mugs called Stanely Cups. And no it’s not referring to Lord Stanley’s Cup, the trophy that’s presented at the end of the NHL season. These are just mugs. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about cups? A large IPA served in one of these things? OK I’m in for this one! It’s good to switch things up a bit! Well anyway while I’m waiting for my beer, let’s talk about the Stanley Cup craze, because it’s the stuff of pure insanity. And that’s what we’re here for! So how did this whole thing get started and why are these things going viral? Well let’s ask an actual marketing professor!





So it’s basically more fashion accessory than the need to stay hydrated? OK then! I’ll show you a real use for these things! Where’s my beer at? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! But here’s what we want to know – is this particular craze just for the purpose of staying hydrated? Or is it just the newest fashion accessory to show off so you can get Instagram likes? Of course this is one of those instances where we say that social media is going to kill us all. Because of course like most things that have been insane happening the last few years, the craze originated on Tik Tok. And like most things, it’s not about being environmentally friendly either. But the idea of using an insulated cup isn’t exactly anything new.





Though if there is one plus side to this craze, it’s that it’s getting people to drink more water, which you absolutely should. However, we just know that someone is going to make one big ass vodka tonic with it, and speaking of which… ah that’s the stuff! And hey it’s insulated too, which means that my ice won’t melt after long periods of time! Now here’s where it gets weird, and you knew that it was going to. Not just that the Stanley Cup has been the cause of stampedes and riots at Targets nationwide, but check out this story of Roseville, that’s by Sacramento, where this woman stole not just one or two Stanley Cups, but an entire trunk load!





OK come on people, get a grip here! The year has only just begun and we’re already getting too full on bullshit here! It’s a cup, made out of aluminum! And there was apparently this story about a 16 year old collector owning $3,000 worth of these things (story is on Fox so we won’t link to it), but seriously, when I was 16, I didn’t own $3,000 worth of anything! The other thing, remember what I said about these cups saving valuable environmental resources? It turns out that was a lie. Because while it’s great that it’s raising awareness about being environmentally conscious and water consumption, it’s also having an effect on the environment because of what it takes to manufacture these things. Yeah there’s always a bad side!






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[font size="8"]Road To The Primaries Pt. 1
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Welcome to part 1 of our 4 part series Road To The Primaries! Yes, it’s the rematch that nobody asked for or wanted. And you know what? For the sake of this being a sequel, and all sequels have terrible subtitles, let’s call this one: Road To The Primaries 2024: Primary Harder. Nah, it needs more zing. How about: Road To The Primaries 2024: This Time It’s Personal! Love it! Well now that the dust has settled from the first round of primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire, let’s see where we are at as it is looking increasingly more like Orange Turdblossom is going to be the nominee. Yeah please save your boos for later because it’s going to get worse, believe me! This feels like it’s going to be the longest year ever and we are definitely going to make it somewhat more bearable. But holy shit, did we really need a rematch between Trump and Biden? I mean the last time we were all locked in our homes and Biden couldn’t go out in public. And Trump held rallies where people died after attending. Yeah good times! But that is not going to happen in the 2024 election, oh no, we’re past COVID and the kid gloves are coming off! So what did we learn in Iowa? Well for one thing we learned who still supports Trump after all of the shit he's put us through.





Yeah not this year for sure! And here’s the really ironic and fucked up thing – Trump’s base are white evangelical males. Yes, the godliest among us support the least godly man that’s ever dared to call himself a leader. You know, when we first started this program, we compared Trump to the Joker from the Dark Knight. He’s an agent of chaos. He took plans and turned them on themselves. He peeled back the layers and showed you who really supports the GOP – and they’re as big of assholes as he is. But the real takeaway here is that the Evangelicals showed the world who they really are.





And if there’s one thing that we learned from the New Hampshire primary is that the competition against Trump are dropping out like flies because they know they can’t touch him. Just look at Vivek Ramaswamy and Nikki Haley – both vocal opponents of Trump, they dropped out and endorsed him like the things he said are no big deal. Nothing to see here! Please disperse! And it looks like the billionaires and oligarchs and other undesirable assholes that be want this conflict, because they profit while America suffers. And for that they can go get fucked.





Look, here’s what is so troubling about this. Trump is in the news 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and all of it is bad. What really bothers us here is that these primaries more than any other seem like they’re faker than fake. Like the undesirables that be wanted this from the beginning, because they’re going to attempt to steal the election like they did in 2000 and in 2016. It’s not going away any time soon. But there was one small gleam of hope that maybe, just maybe we’ll be able to outsmart Fox and finish Trump once and for all this year. But again we have independent thoughts here, and they’re what the undesirables that be don’t like.




[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week – it’s a recap of the South Carolina primaries and a look at Biden’s new ad strategy!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]The Eagles[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest are one of the best classic rock bands of all time, you can see them on their Long Goodbye Tour through March 16th, you can see them in Austin, Chicago, Miami, St. Louis, and others! Playing their song Already Gone, give it up for the Eagles!



Thank you Santa Ana! It’s good to be back! Unfortunately next week’s Top 10 is going to be canceled because we’re getting a massive upgrade to our home server, but we’ll be back on Feb. 8th live from Solana Beach with a brand new edition!

See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
The Eagles Appear Courtesy Of: Rhino Entertainment, LLC
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Constellation Room At Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 18, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #30: Best Of Season 15 Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #30: Best Of Season 15 Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Oh… hello! I know, right? We survived yet another New Year’s Eve and now that the holidays are over, we’re getting ready to hit the ground running for what might be our biggest season yet! And before we go any further, I do want to assure you that we’ve been renewed for season 17. We are not sure how much longer we can keep this going, though. Trust us that when the time comes, we will let you, our fans know. But for now, how did everyone celebrate New Year’s? There were many flavors of A grade to C grade entertainment to choose from, whether your flavor was Green Day and Jelly Roll in New York or Bowling For Soup and 98 Degrees in Las Vegas. To which we’re like – is this 2024 or 1998? Am I still in high school or something? And then there’s Mar-A-Lago where they apparently recreated the 1991 hit movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Secret Of The Ooze. Can we roll that clip?



I mean holy shit, why does everything they do seem so damn weird? On one hand, my 11 year old self really wants to like this, but on the other hand, fuck Trump and Vanilla Ice. Yes, we definitely stand with Green Day when they say that they’re not part of a MAGA agenda. Can we roll that clip too? Yeah that’s the clip we want to see. Just… holy crap, make the insanity stop! But enough of my rambling, here’s what you came here for! The tour dates! And yes we’ve got some good ones lined up! And because this is an election year, with what may be an election that tips the power balance in this country for good, we’re going into election mode!

1/25/24 – Constellation Room At The Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA (Road To The Primaries Pt 1)
2/1/24 – Laugh Factory, Long Beach, CA (Road To The Primaries Pt.2)
2/8/24 – Belly Up Tavern, Solana Beach, CA (Road To The Primaries Pt. 3)
2/15/24 – Belly Up Tavern, Aspen, CO (Road To The Primaries Pt. 4)
2/22/24 – Hyena’s Comedy Club, Albuquerque, NM (Road To The Primaries Pt. 5)
2/29/24 – Grammercy Theater, New York City, NY (Stupidest State Selection Sunday)
3/7/24 – Miami Improv, Miami, FL (Stupidest State Round 1 Week 1)
3/14/24 – Dark
3/21/24 – Teatro Municipal, Sao Paolo, Brazil (Stupidest State Round 1 Week 2)
3/28/24 – La Trastienda Club, Buenos Aires, Argentina (Stupidest State Round 1 Week 3)
4/4/24 – Dark
4/11/24 – Brad Garrett’s Comedy Club, Las Vegas, NV (Stupidest State Round 1 Week 4)
4/18/24 – Café Istanbul, New Orleans, LA (Stupidest State Round 2 Week 1)
4/25/24 – San Francisco Convention Center, San Francsico, CA (Stupidest State Round 2 Week 2)
5/2/24 – Comedy Zone, Tallahassee, FL (Stupidest State Round 2 Week 3)
5/16/24 – 5 Star Comedy, Gainesville, FL (Stupidest State Round 2 Week 4)
5/23/24 – Levity Live, Oxnard, CA (Stupidest State: The Final Four)
5/30/24 – Constellation Room At The Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA (Stupidest State Championship)

OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first we have to play that John Oliver with his epic take down of our good buddy Elon Musk:



So where do we begin with our Season 15 Best Of? Well, in the number one slot from Idiots #15-9, we have to go back and talk about how Matt Gaetz decided to simply use the House rules to fire their own speaker Kevin McCarthy which resulted in yet another MAGA enabled, Fox News sponsored total disaster of a shit show. Well done Fox, you officially created the Worst House in American History! Bravo! In the number 2 slot, speaking of the MAGA House, we have to go back to Idiots #15-7 where Colorado’s favorite dolt of a Congress woman, Lauren Boebert (Q – Batshit) gave her own performance in the aisle during a performance of Beetlejuice: The Musical and well, turned what would normally be a family friendly event into something that’s extremely NSFW! At the third slot, from Idiots #15-2, is Robert F Kennedy Jr (3)! Yes the professional Dem gaslighter and Steve Bannon intel gathering plant was crashing and burning in his laughably hilarious campaign to become the next president, and it was spectacular to watch. In the number 4 slot, from Idiots #15-1, we’re going to introduce you to a MAGA enabled protest group called Moms For Liberty (4) and as you can guess, they’re every bit as horrible, vile, and awful as you might expect! In the number 5 slot this week, from Idiots #15-15, we have a brand new installment of that hot new game that’s sweeping the nation -Is It Racist? And we always say around here that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! Good day sir and/or madam! In the number 6 slot this week from Idiots #15-13, is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and if you think new House Speaker Mike Johnson is a fundamentalist weirdo, wait until you check out the app that he has on his phone to spy on his internet porn usage! Yeah it’s fucking weird! In the number 7 slot, from Idiots #15-12, we profile the new president of Argentina, Javier Milei (7) in a new edition of This Fucking Guy! Seriously, Argentina, what the ever loving fuck were you thinking? In the number 8 slot, from Idiots #15-11, is our weekly venture into the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8), and this week, our old buddy Mike Lindell is back in the news, and his latest effort to undermine elections may be one of his most batshit crazy, Wiley Coyote esque schemes to date! Seriously, give it up! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week from Idiots #15-14 – could marijuana be losing one of its’ biggest brand ambassadors? Snoop Dogg caused some major controversy when he suggested he was “giving up smoke”, but we all know that his personal joint roller can rest much easier at night now. Finally this week from Idiots #15-10 it’s our never-ending battle between red state governors and blue state governors in “My Governor Is An Idiot” (10) and this we’re pitting North Carolina’s Roy Cooper against Virginia’s Fox News installed governor Glenn Youngkin and there’s only one way to find out who’s coming out on top! Plus to close this Best Of out, we’ve got some live music from when one of the best new bands in music, Dirty Honey stopped by! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]House Republicans
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From: Idiots #15-9

Holy fucking shit. I honestly have to admit that I didn’t see this one coming. I mean seriously, I didn’t see it coming. And I called when the House of Infowars first met at the beginning of the year that it was going to be a long two years, didn’t I? Yeah one guy in the front row is like “WOOOOO!!!”. But seriously, who had “Kevin McCarthy getting fired” on their 2023 MAGA Bingo Card? You? You? You? Hey we’ve got a bingo! Yes, while we were putting together last week’s edition, Matt Gaetz (Q – Florida Man) filed the notion to simply fire House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (Q – Batshit). I got to admit that I honestly didn’t see that one coming. But get a couple of professional shit stirrers together and you have a potential powder keg waiting to go off. And last week it did. And in absolutely hilarious fashion, I have to give it to the House Dems who didn’t vote to keep McCarthy as speaker despite the fact that the right wing begged and pleaded them to. That’s what you get for calling us child molesters and groomers, you bunch of psychos. Well, anyway, here’s more.





Yeah where’s Bugs Bunny when you need him? Yeah so the Infowars Caucus decided that McCarthy wasn’t MAGA enough for his tastes and decided to give him the heave ho that he so richly deserves, but what they weren’t counting on was that 217 democrats voted against him! Hey MAGAs, that’s what you get for calling us child molesters and groomers for 8 years. Payback is a biyatch, ain’t it? But while we’re relishing in the Big Payback (apologies to the late, great James Brown), it could have serious consequences not having a speaker. Especially with the escalating violence in the Middle East and particularly, the current Isreal – Hamas conflict. It’s going to get ugly.





Oh silly Ken, you’re not going to come to an agreement on who the new speaker is. This is what happens when you replace facts with conspiracy theories and you elect the loudest and stupidest people in this room, or any room for that matter! The GOP are currently being held hostage by a minority of deranged lunatics. Gaetz, Boebert, Greene, Higgins, Luna, and Hageman are all part of that problem. And in case you’re wondering – why yes, McCarthy did throw his hat into the ring to come back as the speaker. I mean hey it’s worth a shot, right?





Ha ha ha ha ha… oh silly Ken, you know this isn’t going to be solved by depriving people of things like food and bathroom breaks. And what’s even more baffling is that this is the first time the ruling party voted to oust a speaker since 1864. Let that sink in! Not since the fucking Civil War has the ruling party in the House been in such disarray that they fired their own fucking speaker! So when I say that this is the worst Congress ever, I mean just that. It’s only getting worse too! We can’t fire these clowns and end this Fox News sponsored shit show fast enough! I wouldn’t trust these idiots to run a Waffle House at this rate!






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[font size="8"]Lauren Boebert

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From: Idiots #15-7

Ooh boy, I’ve been waiting all week to do this entry and I’m going to hold no punches. Because it’s the kind of thing that the Top 10 was made for. But considering this happened at a musical, I need to get me in the mood first.



Yes… hey Mr. Tallyman, tally me banana! Daylight come and me want to go home! Come on everybody sing it with me! So why am I bringing up the late, great Harry Belafonte you might ask? Well, I answer you, good sir or madam – because this song was featured in a personal favorite movie of mine, Beetlejuice, and the hit Broadway musical: Beetlejuice: The Musical. Which was attended by our favorite CO-4 representative Lauren Boebert. And boy did she attend it all right! I’m not quite sure what that means. But this is what absolutely infuriates me about today’s republican party. Anyone remember when Al Franken got kicked out of the senate by Project Vertias over a stupid photo? Well, wait until you hear about Bobo’s latest musings at a Denver performance of Beetlejuice the Musical. Guarantee that you’ll get that whole “being dead” thing. Yes, about that whole Being Dead thing…





Yeah think about it… are there any rules at a live theatrical performance? Uh yeah there are, are you kidding me? I’ve been in a few. It’s like Patrick Stewart says – you’re there to see the performers, and they’re there to see you. Theaters have rules. It’s not like a movie. Giving a handy doesn’t exactly fly with a live theatrical performance. It probably also doesn’t fly in a movie theater either. But oh here’s where it gets weird and you knew it was going to. Apparently the more insane parts of the internet are attempting to gaslight the incident. We may have to dedicate next week’s Conspiracy Corner to this.





Oh come on! Just go fuck the fuck right off right now and shut the fuck up. First off, I can’t believe any sane democrat would date her. That just seems like it would be bad for everyone. And second, Lauren Boebert is a 37 year old grandma who prides herself on her complete lack of culture and education. So it’s no wonder why she would be caught giving a handy and vaping during a live theatrical performance, no matter what the musical was. It could be Les Miserable for all we care. Yeah just picture that image for a minute. But even though Beetlejuice: The Musical is technically considered a comedy, there’s no excuse for that kind of behavior.





It’s showtime all right! Well, maybe not for the second act for Boebert. I mean come on, this shit is absolutely embarrassing. You want to stop this shit? The same goes for probably everyone in this week’s edition: STOP VOTING FOR STUPID PEOPLE!!!! I mean come on, you want a poorly educated dimwit who’s on her third divorce, first grandchild, and paid $100 to take her GED exam and barely passed on the fourth try in Congress? I wouldn’t even trust her to get a 10 piece order of chicken nuggets right. I mean this incident is truly embarrassing. Just… ahh!!!






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[font size="8"]RFK Jr.
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From: Idiots #15-2

You know you fucked up and went too far when your entire family starts speaking out against how much you fucked up. But you know, I really wonder why no one in the Kennedy family is taking RFK Jr aside and saying “NO!”. He’s definitely gone too far in this latest escapade. It was bad enough when he started comparing vaccine mandates to the Holocaust (which ,again, not enough facepalms in the world can accurately justify how I feel about that one). But the thing is, regardless of how you feel about the RFK Jr campaign, it’s way, way, way past time that democrats give him the heave ho and kick him out of the party for good. You’re not going to win friends in the democratic party by going on Newsmax and appearing before Jim Jordan in the House saying that you’re being silenced. We all know that he’s a Steve Bannon primary plant. But here’s where he may have gone too far. No, Mr. Kennedy, the COVID pandemic was not a bioweapon. GTFO.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Yeah it’s like all the batshit theories eventually get linked to Neo Nazism. And if there’s one thing we’ve learned in the 7 years of doing this program, is that if you believe one batshit crazy conspiracy theory, no matter how crazy or removed from reality it sounds, you’re likely to believe all of it. The earth is flat? Sure. Vaccines are the mark of the beast? Why not? JFK Jr survived his plane crash and is going to meet us at Dealy Plaza to out the deep state? Oh yeah let me go get my tin foil hat! Well of course republicans are systematically denying that they attract crazy people, and even Fox News is attempting to put the monster they created back in the proverbial closet.





Yeah of course, with friends like these, who needs enemies? No, no one is censoring you, you fucking idiot. You crossed a line that should not have been crossed. Multiple lines in fact. We literally fought an entire World War against this shit and the last thing we need is people like you who are trying to undo all of the progress we’ve made since then. It’s people like RFK Jr that are the reason why websites and companies have policies in place against hate speech. But yeah you can’t attempt to “please disperse” your way out of this one, Mr. Kennedy. We have the videos. We know where you stand.





Yeah you don’t get to please disperse your way out of this one. You know we do have freedom of speech in this country, but even the most hard lined democrats know that freedom of speech has consequences and limitations. This sort of thing is not only just out of line, it’s just plain fucking wrong, and it shows what a major insufferable asshole you are. We fought a World War against this sort of thing that cost untold millions of lives. Absolutely no one in the democratic party is thrilled about this campaign and it’s only attracting losers like Joe Rogan. But you know, here’s the thing – the GOP let him say this bullshit and he’s getting away with it. You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, guys.






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[font size="8"]Is It Racist?
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From: Idiots #15-15

Hey everyone, it’s time to play that hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



Because we always say around here that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! So as you know, if you follow our social media accounts, the Top 10 has taken a temporary ban on covering anything relating to the Isreal – Palsestine conflict because it’s such a divisive issue and everything that’s coming out of Isreal – Palestine right now is absolutely horrifying. As we say around here – it ain’t good. Well of course leave it to American conservatives to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong. And one guy in particular is a guy who you know as the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and TwitterX, and guy who thinks his online friends are his real friends, Elon Musk. Yes, ol’ Muskrat as we call him around the Top 10 Home Offices, has been placing ads for companies such as Google, Microsoft, the NFL, Apple, IBM, the list goes on. Last week, we talked about how Elon was planning to sue Media Matters after they dug up some of his Nazi tweets and that’s not going well for him. And neither will this. But needless to say Elon’s in a lot of hot water over the way that ads are being placed on that site formerly known as Twitter. For the sake of this piece, why don’t we call it a “Tweet For A Twat”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…. I can totally see the Twitter logo taking a shit on Elon! So who’s jumping ship? Well it’s a very long list that only keeps getting longer and we can only hope this sends a message that playing with Nazis is not OK. But it’s a step in the right direction.





Gee, you think? And I don’t even need to get into the specifics of Elon’s suit with Media Matters because we covered that last week. And we’re very glad that the NFL is taking a stand against Elon’s madness because it’s something that just should not stand. To quote the Dude – this aggression will not stand, man! And hey remember the Damar Hamlin conspiracy from earlier this year (see: Idiots #14-2 )? Yeah the conspiracy theorist lunatics are still at it, and the theories are only getting nuttier. Seriously there’s no end to their madness and we’re glad the NFL is taking a stand against it.





So audience we ask the question: IS IT RACIST??? And the answer? Oh most definitely! But here’s the thing – you have 10 Nazis at a table and one person who isn’t a Nazi is silent, what do you have? You have 11 Nazis. Because as we always say around here, silence is compliance! Hey that rhymes! The other question on the table though – is should a company that previous had ties to Nazi Germany suddenly try to whitewash its’ past? Hey IBM! I’m looking in your direction! And yes, IBM was one of the advertisers that fled the Twitter Shitter so at least that’s a step in the right direction, I guess?





Yeah probably! Now what happens in the off chance you’re taking that chance and actually advertising your product on Elon’s Xshitter? Well social media marketing is still relevant in 2023, even though social media doesn’t have the same clout that it did in 2013, and Elon is doing his best to completely destroy one of the biggest platforms on the internet. Well Twitter/X is something that you really shouldn’t waste your company’s time or money on. It seems like the ad placement is getting a very bad reputation, and it's only getting worse. It’s basically just crap selling crap at this point.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #15-13

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know the last couple of weeks we’ve been following the bizarre saga surrounding Louisiana’s Mike Johnson. Yes, he was once an unknown representative in Congress. Now he’s the new House Speaker and third in line for the Presidency Of The United States, and I don’t need to tell you that he’s given us no shortage of material for the next several editions of our fine program. For Mr. Johnson does not represent GAWD or JAYSUS. No! he represents the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! I say DARE NOT, good sir! But after last week’s sermon, we got absolutely flooded with requests to do a deep dive on the subject of this week’s sermon. Snooping. Is it OK to? So we turn to our Good Book for this one, and it does say thou shalt not snoop. OK maybe not in those exact words, but you know what I am saying. But this is one of the more bizarre aspects of the man who is now third in line for the United States presidency. And while we do want to say we’re shocked about this kind of thing, it’s not really that shocking. We know that fundamentalist Christians are prone to exercising their sexual urges, and we know they can easily give into temptation. And our man Mike Johnson isn’t much different from any of us. But he does have an interesting quirk.





Yeah now this represents a rather interesting phenomenon that ONLY seems to affect Christian men. So remember what I said about giving into temptation? They seem to be doing that, but on a rather regular basis. Like seriously how perverted are you that you can’t look at your phone for five minutes without wanting to venture into looking at porn that you need a software app that essentially acts as the angel on your shoulder? Well in this case, there’s also the devil, but the devil pimp slapped the angel Will Smith style and sent him packing. The interesting thing about this app is that it’s marketed directly to Mike Johnson types.





Now look, we don’t mean to kink shame, but whatever floats your boat, am I right? To me what’s really insane is that Christian males get off (phrasing!) on this kind of thing. But one thing we did discover in doing our research for this segment is that Covenant Eyes apparently has a fan base. He’s got coooooooooooovenant eyes… yes he’s coooooooooooooovenant eyes… OK I’ll refrain from singing that song any further. But the thing that we’re wondering about all of this is – of all the people who you could choose to be your porno accountability partner, why do you choose your dad? That just opens up all sorts of creepy and weird vibes.





Yeah I’ll say! But again, we don’t mean to kink shame, but this software is insane. And we mentioned earlier that it has celebrity fans like Josh Duggar and Lamar Odom, and we all know how well that worked out for them. Did I mention that this man is third in line for the presidency? We could spend all day talking about this, and we will, don’t you worry! In fact, we may have to do a deep dive on the subject in the future, because there’s a lot of these Christian accountability apps and they all have jobs, and their job is to keep you safe… from yourself. And your manly urges and temptations. Do not be afraid to give in, give in!!!



?w=580

So there is a devil among us, and that devil is you! You are your own devil according to the newly unfolding Christian spyware industry! Give in to temptation, my fair congregation! Give in! You only live once! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Javier Milei
https://www.democraticunderground.com/top10/icons/batshit_crazy. [br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #15-12



This week’s This Fucking Guy is Javier Milei. Now what’s our official mission statement around here? it’s not that conservative idiocy is a uniquely American problem. No, it’s a global problem, and conservatives ruin everything that they touch, everywhere. In case you haven’t heard, the country of Argentina is in a colossal, truly gargantuan mess. Like on the verge of a Great Depression mess. And who is the man who could potentially be Argentina’s next president? Javier Milei. Now in case you haven’t seen last week’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, you absolutely should. But here’s the thing, Argentina – you want real change in your country? And this is the guy you’re going with? A guy who wields chainsaws and own an army of cloned pugs? That’s your guy. Seriously, we really do live in the stupid timeline right now. We also can’t quite put our finger on it, but this election reeks of Steve Bannon meddling. But one thing we learned on our World Tour last year – when countries turn populist, that’s usually a sign that something really terrible is on the horizon.





Look, Argentina, we get your frustrations with inflation, OK? But it’s bad in Argentina, it’s bad in South America. It’s bad in the United States. It’s bad all over the world. Let’s think about this for a minute, though – it’s a simple supply and demand concept. Money is in extremely high demand there’s a short supply of it. And that’s mainly because a handful of people own most of the world’s wealth, and their wealth is only increasing. It’s the Elon Musks and Jeff Bezos and Richard Bransons of the world that are causing the trouble, and the sooner they all fuck off in their penis shaped rockets to deep space, the better off we’ll be. But until then, don’t fall for fascism, OK? We’ve been down that road here in the US and it’s not pretty.





Look, Argentina, we’ve been there! You don’t want an anti-hero to lead your country. We tried that, it didn’t work, and he tried to kill us when he didn’t get re-elected. You don’t want that in your country, not by a long shot! But if you really want to understand Milei’s hard-lined brand of fascist authoritarianism, don’t look to Miami. Look to Budapest instead. Another country that flipped populist because of economic problems and the rise of right wing and far right wing propaganda on social media, which is why we say this whole thing reeks of Steve Bannon meddling. There’s no doubt that all of this rise in authoritarianism around the world is connected.





Ha ha ha ha ha… that’s the appropriate reaction for this! But there is hope. Hope that can stop the authoritarian virus from spreading around the world. And it’s in the place that you’d lest expect to find it – Taylor Swift fans. And K-Pop fans. Yes, they have fans all over the world. You know what, we’ve been giving Taylor Swift a hard time lately because it seems like she’s constantly in the news. But she’s got the upper hand in our fight against fascism. And you know what? We take back everything that we said, because if we can stop fascism in Argentina and the US, we can stop it all around the world. This shit isn’t anything to fuck with!





That’s Argentina’s batshit crazy, chainsaw wielding, Trump loving, pug clone owning, authoritarian psychopath who could be the country’s next president, Javier Milei, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Mike Lindell’s WMD Scheme
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #15-11



Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So this week, our old buddy Mike Lindell is back in the news. And certainly not because he’s going broke. Which, that is most definitely true. But that’s not what our segment is about this week at all. Oh no, my friends. You know we’ve made comparisons to the GOP trying to find fraud in the 2020 election in the same way that Wiley Coyote attempts to catch the Road Runner. This may be one of his most hair-brained schemes yet. Apparently while we weren’t looking, the Creepy Pillow Man himself invested in a company that is selling election monitoring devices for $500. Yes, apparently he can now mine detect election fraud through... apparently, wifi network blocking? Like seriously, WTF? This is what their solution is? SMDH. Which still isn’t happening anywhere, except for maybe in the Villages and other Florida locations. Here’s more.





I don’t think that tin foil hat is big enough! Well, let’s think about this here for a minute. Mike Lindell is selling Wi-Fi monitoring devices. The abbreviation for “Wi-Fi Monitoring Device” is WMD. The abbreviation for “Weapons Of Mass Destruction” is also WMD. If we extrapolate this, does this mean that My Pillow is also selling My WMDs? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…. Maybe selling a few cruise missiles can help Creepy Pillow Man pay back that massive debt that he owes. Yeah we could start rebranding My Pillow as My Arms Dealer! And that would probably be a more legitimate business by the way! Well, anyway the only mass destruction that these weapons are capable of is your brain cells and your wallet, and that’s about it. And in case you’re wondering if you can bring one of these insane devices to your local polling place, the answer is a big, fat no.





Good question, miss, we don’t know, either! But just… how… who… what.. how would monitoring Wifi connections make elections safer? Aren’t the voting machines usually hard wired? We’ve been monitoring these losers for years and we can’t figure out what goes through their heads. I am guessing this is the end result of what happens when your media diet is as bad as your actual diet is. Yeah exactly, garbage in, garbage out. Like some kind of fucked up Human Centipede. But this isn’t really so much a “blow” for Mr. Lindell as it is a win for sanity. This is, without a doubt, one of the absolute dumbest ideas they’ve had yet.





So here’s the thing – Lindell has been selling these devices since August. And the hilarious thing is that he held a 2 day seminar which was basically just a glorified infomercial for this garbage. Who the hell would listen to a rambling maniac for two days straight? Oh yea, who am I kidding? MAGA lunatics voluntarily listen to Trump and Marjorie Greene and Ben Shapiro and Sean Hannity every single day, and that’s a lot of bullshit! Yeah… a giant steaming pile from Jurassic Park load! So if you do buy one of these contraptions, you’re not making elections safer. You’re just showing the world that just like Creepy Pillow Man, you’re that criminally insane.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #15-14

Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the idea of this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t directly relate to politics, because there’s a lot of dark shit in the news right now, so the best escape from it is to belly up to the bar and have a few cold ones! Only rules we got in this bar – no fighting, no cussing, and no politics! A bit of mild swearing is allowed, as long as it’s never *AT* someone! And my sober brothers and sisters, don’t worry, we got you covered too, just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! Actually this week we should temporarily change the name to “I Need A Smoke”… ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, that’s our motto! Because this week, our old buddy Snoop Dogg was in the news because of some marijuana related news. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about Snoop Dogg and weed? Some space tea? What’s in that? Marijuana and tea? That sounds lethal. I’ll just stick with my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the “Double Jack”. So of course we mentioned that the king of getting stoned, Snoop Dogg, is in the news because it was announced that he’s quitting smoking weed. Yeah womp womp! So does this mean that marijuana is losing one of it’s biggest brand ambassadors? Well Snoop may be blowing some smoke, and well you’ll see why his personal joint roller can rest easier in a minute.





So let’s recap here – Snoop Dogg is one of marijuana’s biggest brand ambassadors. We already lost one of them earlier this year when Kevin Smith announced that he was giving up the MJ for good. At least Cypress Hill still exists! But of course his announcement sent shockwaves through the weed community – companies who are profiting off cannabis suffered a huge blow (ha!) with this hit. And again, we know that Snoop has a personal joint roller, and for the longest time, we thought that was the most secure job in the world, if you’re a good joint roller, that is! But yeah again this is one of those things we always talk about where actions have consequences!





So allow me to channel my inner local news reporter here – is Snoop Dogg really blowing smoke or is he just full of hot air? Well, you might say that it’s a little from column A and a little from column B. He’s definitely giving up smoke all right, but this one is actually for a good cause. So it turns out that Snoop A Loop isn’t giving up marijuana, he’s just giving up smoke. And when you see why – it’s actually to raise awareness for the environment. So does this mean that Snoop is woke now? Yeah we can see the MAGAs rushing to burn their Snoop Dogg CDs right now. Oh wait, I’m breaking my “no politics at the bar” rule. Moving on! But yes, Snoop is still going to smoke some weed, so all you cannabis heads can rest easier and inhale more smoke.





Yeah so all you pot heads out there, you can definitely rest easier now because Snoop isn’t quitting weed, he’s just quitting smoke. Yes, he’s doing this for a good cause. But why do we fall for celebrities and their cryptic messages time and time again? Whether it’s Snoop quitting smoke or Gwenyth Paltrow’s Exploding Vagina Candles… don’t go see them at the Troubadour, terrible band… or Kanye’s… I don’t know whatever the hell this is, but don’t do it… but we fall for it every single time, and they do this because why? It gets their name in the news. Yeah it’s publicity stunt and we all fell for it, and we’ll keep falling for it because… reasons.






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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot: Round 3
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #15-10

Let’s give the wheel one last spin this week! And it lands on…….. Go directly to jail? NOOO!!!



Wait, I’ve got that Get Out Of Jail Free card! Sweet! I’m out! Ha ha! Nice try, wheel! Spin it again… and it’s time for My Governor Is An Idiot!



Welcome back to the segment where we pit red state governors against blue state governors in a quest to find out: who’s the idiot? Last week, we pit Montana’s body slamming governor Greg Gianforte against Colorado’s openly gay governor Jared Polis. This week it’s a battle for the Beltway as North Carolina governor Roy Cooper takes on Viginia governor Glenn Youngkin. To which we ask – is Virginia really for lovers? Only one way to find out!

[font size="4"]Youngkin[/font]

So Glenn Youngkin is a card carrying member of the MAGA insurrection party. And he ran on one issue and one issue alone – banning abortion in Virginia. And so far that’s the one thing that is keeping the right wing going. But the anti-abortion extremists are going all in on the insanity that they themselves have wrought on this country. But they’re not just stopping at the typical bans that we’ve seen like 2nd trimester bans. Oh no, my friends! They are going all the way!!! In fact they’re not stopping at bans, they want to ban everything and anything relating to abortion. So much that Youngkin is going full in on the ad buy in and talk show circuit. So if you’re in Virginia, expect to see tons of advertisements from conservative groups in the near future.





Yeah well that abortion ban might not hold up if they get some sane people in the Virginia legislature in the next election. Because – shocker – voters simply don’t trust Youngkin! Gee, I wonder why? Maybe again, stop voting for candidates who are hand picked by talk show hosts! The fact that Youngkin has been governor this long should be irrefutable proof that not only is our system broken, but the right wing can’t govern without some help. And also turn off talk radio, that shit is bad for you and it’s screwing over this country multiple times over!





[font size="4"]Cooper [/font]

You’ve probably heard a lot about the ongoing GOP coup in North Carolina. Trust us when we say that we’ve been following it and it’s the stuff of pure insanity. Again, we don’t want to say that Fox News is largely responsible for this mess that we’re in, but yeah, they’re probably responsible for the mess that we’re in. So at the center of it all is Governor Roy Cooper. Who will mostly get whatever blame is coming to him when the GOP house in North Carolina ultimately fails. But we can’t overlook that he has done some good, like appoint the first female justice to North Carolina’s Supreme Court. Yeah so that’s definitely something good that we can say!





But nothing is easy of course, as long as the GOP exists. While we’re celebrating the small things, the GOP is certainly fucking evil in their quest to dismantle even the slightest amount of what passes for progress these days. So while Cooper has been on a bill singing binge, the GOP is doing their best to undo everything that he’s done. Yeah make that make sense. But this is why we say that EVERY SINGLE ELECTION IS IMPORTANT! Leave no box on your ballot unchecked. Because this is how we get these psychopaths in charge. And the next time your MAGA friends and relatives blame Roy Cooper for whatever, just remind them that these wounds are entirely self-inflicted. Again, stop listening to talk show hosts for your political opinions.





[font size="4"]And The Idiot Is: [/font]

Oh this one should be fairly obvious – it’s definitely the guy who’s Sean Hannity’s puppet and that’s Glenn Youngkin!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

This is going to be a fun one! For Round 4, we’re going to put Arizona’s real, actual governor Katie Hobbs against the fake governor of Arizona, Kari Lake!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Dirty Honey[/font]

Folks, my next guest are an amazing new band from Los Angeles, their second album is called “Can’t Find The Brakes”. It comes out Nov. 3rd. You can see them on tour just about everywhere through Dec. 16th. Playing the title track “Can’t Find The Brakes”, give it up for Dirty Honey!



Thank you for indulging us in this best of edition! We’re back next week with our first brand new edition of 2024!

See you next week!!

Credits

Host: Initech
Dirty Honey Appears Courtesy Of: Dirt Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Comedy Off Broadway, Lexington, KY
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 15, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: The Complete 16th Season

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: The Complete Sixteenth Season

Season 15 (Jul 2023 - Dec 2023): https://www.democraticunderground.com/100218079280
Season 14 (Jan 2023 - May 2023): https://www.democraticunderground.com/100217564760
Season 13 (Jun 2022 - Dec 2022): https://www.democraticunderground.com/100216941147
Season 12 (Jan 2022 - Jun 2022) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100216216353
Season 11 (Jun 2021 - Dec 2021) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100215586273
Season 10 (Jan 2021 - May 2021) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100214798830
Season 9 (May 2020 - Dec 2020) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213570012
Season 8 (Jan 2020 - May 2020) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212831883
Season 7 (Jul 2019 - Dec 2019) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212164633
Season 6 (Jan 2019 - May 2019) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211623942
Season 5 (Jun 2018 - Dec 2018) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210720590
Season 4 (Jan 2018 - May 2018) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210083764
Season 3 (Jun 2017 - Dec 2017) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210008235
Season 2 (Nov 2016 - May 2017) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029078791
Season 1 (Dec 2015 - Nov 2016) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/1016169212

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! This is our 16th season and 8th year in operation, can you believe that? Yes, we've survived a full not one, but two presidential terms of conservative idiocy without wanting to go crazy and commit ourselves! Can you believe that? Well this is of course an even numbered season, which means that it starts at the beginning of the year, which means that it's time for our favorite event of the year - our annual look at lunacy at the state level in Stupidest State! And yes we're definitely planning to shake things up a bit this year, and Selection Sunday falls on a leap year, how cool is that? But also too, it is the year 2024 which means that it's an election year and we're going into election mode both in this season and our following season in season 17! There will be plenty of twists and turns in this crazy forthcoming year so we will keep bringing you the free funny for as long as we possibly can! But as usual, this guide will be the link to all of the Top 10s throughout the beginning half of the year, which will begin on January 25, 2024 and end on May 30th 2024. If you want to see all of our tour dates for this year and our pending schedule, check out our Season 15 Best Of, here. But we've definitely got lots of comedy and hopefully lots of great tunes lined up to relieve this stress filled world that we currently live in. Plus don't forget that we're going international this year! We've got two dates confirmed in South America, we've got 3 in Canada, and we've also got two in Australia for season 17! It's going to be fun! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

Edition #16-1: Honey, I Shrunk The Cult! Edition (1/25/24)
https://democraticunderground.com/100218626041

Live From Santa Ana! As always, whenever the Top 10 is off, we like to play catch up on stuff we missed, and boy howdy, did we miss a lot of stuff since Christmas! Including Trump's NFT trading cards series 3, his latest stunts in the E Jean Carroll trial, and his insane New Year's Eve party! Elsewhere, Dr. Fauci gets grilled by Congressional conspiracy theorists, MAGA attempts to defund the IRS, and Ashlii Babbitt's family blames the government for causing her death. Really, blame Tucker Carlson instead. Plus with the Iowa caucus done, how many people voted for Trump exactly? The numbers are incredibly shocking, though not surprising that his once powerful cult is circling the drain and it's time to flush it! Meanwhile in Texas, Greg Abbott goes nuclear in his quest to stop migrants crossing the border and to please his boss, Rupert Murdoch, but his "solution" to end the "crisis" is quite disturbing. In a new "We're All Gonna Die", are you being affected by this new extreme weather that we're experiencing all around the world? Get used to it, it's our new normal! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", MAGA republicans like Mike Johnson are increasingly claiming that the presidency is "God's will", but is it exactly? Our founding fathers say otherwise! After her blatant, Fox News sponsored and approved bullying over perceived anti-semitism at Harvard, we add batshit crazy New York rep Elise Stefanik to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. And in a new Conspiracy Corner, you may have heard MAGA attempt to sugar coat January 6th rioter Rachel Powell aka Bullhorn Lady, but it's even worse than you might imagine! And in a new I Need A Drink, are you tired of dating apps? Well we've got some ridiculous new ideas to find that special someone for the new year! Finally it's time to debut our new mini segment Road To The Primaries and in part 1 we offer a recap of what went down in Iowa and a preview of New Hampshire!
Live Musical Guest: The Eagles

**Top 10 takes two weeks off for server rebuild / maintenance**

Edition #16-2: Mr. Tucker Goes To Moscow Edition (2/15/24)
https://democraticunderground.com/100218688956

Live from Aspen, Colorado! In a not at all shocking move, after the Supreme Court strikes down Greg Abbott's insanely evil border death traps, there's now a convoy at the Texas border supporting them, but they're not exactly welcome guests where this batshit insane sting operation is being setup! Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson goes to Moscow to interview Vladimir Putin, because we're guessing the GOP is getting their marching orders direct from the mad man himself. The worst House Of Representatives in US history continues its' failed destructive quest to impeach and fire everybody who doesn't kiss the MAGA ring enough, and their attempt to impeach DHS director Mayorkas, and it backfired in the most spectacular way possible! And in a new edition of Late Stage Capitalism, regarded California burger chain In N Out shocked the world by closing its' first ever location in Oakland, citing problems created by - you guessed it - late stage capitalism! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in Holy Shit, is it OK to proselytize at the Super Bowl? Hobby Lobby is determined to make you a cult member by bringing those obnoxious ads to the Big Game and yeah it didn't go the way they had planned! And in a new edition of Beating A Dead Horse, we're going to look at some old school cancel culture - in the wake of the tragic death of country megastar Toby Keith, many are bringing up his infamous feud with the Dixie Chicks, but were there any clear winners in that ongoing fight? We're going to take a look at both sides! In our weekly venture into the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, was the Super Bowl rigged? There's a bizarre conspiracy about the Super Bowl logo that suggests that the NFL has already predetermined who will be in the game, and it's as weird as it sounds! Plus in a new "I Need A Drink", why are not the least bit surprised that Larry David attacking Elmo on live TV is totally on brand for him? Yeah we need some strong cups of Latte Larrys for this one! Finally this week it's part 2 of our 4 part series Road To The Primaries, and Nikki Hayley totally bottomed out in her bid to win Nevada, to which we say we're not the least bit surprised at all!
Live Musical Guest: The Hives

Edition #16-3: The Not So Fresh Prince Of Bel Air Edition (2/22/24)
https://democraticunderground.com/100218711134

Live from Albuquerque, New Mexico! What should be a celebration of the Kansas City Chiefs' victory in the Super Bowl turned into just another sad reminder of America's insane addiction to guns. Thank your local MAGAs and Fox News hosts for this. The worst House in US history continues it's wrecking ball to American democracy in the Mayorkas impeachment trial - and things are going to be every bit as horrible as you might imagine! After his much hyped interview with the Moscow Mad Man himself proved to be the bust we were all expecting, Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson are essentially useful idiots in the United States - Russia equation, and billionaires like Elon Musk are helping advance the cause of fascism world wide, it's scary! Meanwhile, in Texas, the Border Convoy consisting of mostly social media trolls supporting Greg Abbott's murderous death traps at the Rio Grande river, is turning into the shit show that we all knew it would. Elsewhere, Trump goes to Philadelphia to crash a sneaker convention and hawk the latest in his ridiculous merchandise line - some hideous solid gold sneakers! Yes it's real and insane! Also we're not at all shocked to learn that a guy who spent $9,000 for an autographed pair is a Russian CEO. In our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", we check out the shocking new documentary from Spinal Tap co-creator Rob Reiner that aims to expose who's really behind American church's merger with white nationalism, and it's something that every real American should go see! And we profile Chino HIlls' controversial MAGA hate church Jack Hibbs in a new edition of "This Fucking Guy". And in our weekly venture into the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, Tucker Carlson apparently survived his interview with Vladimir Putin, now he's going out exploring Moscow, and he's mad. Why? It's a pretty ridiculous reason! We also have our first People Are Dumb for season 16, because of course they are! Finally it's the third part of our election coverage for the first half of 2024, Road To The Primaries, and we're going to put an end to the debate once and for all and finally answer the question - is Joe Biden too old to run? The answer will surprise you!
Live Musical Guest: Black Pumas

Edition #16-4: It's The End Of Democracy As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) Edition (2/29/24)
https://democraticunderground.com/100218731177

Live from New York City! With the latest installment of the insane conservative conference known as CPAC gets underway, they're finally admitting it and saying the quiet part out loud, and we're not sure we like the new episode! Historians have come out with their annual ranking of the best and worst presidents, and you'll never guess who ranks dead last among them! I will give you a hint: It's the last one before the guy we currently have! Meanwhile, on social media, the most dangerous account on X/Twitter, which goes by the handle libsoftiktok, has been linked to a brutal murder of a trans student in Oklahoma and considering that the OK superintendent Ryan Walters and X/Twitter head Elon Musk may be involved, things could get really ugly! Meanwhile in New York, the trial of Donald Trump is heating up, and judge Letitia James isn't backing down or taking no for an answer! We really need more like her! And the fight is causing yet another MAGA boycott, this time of the entire state of New York, and something tells us that New York will be just fine without these losers. In our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", we're going to introduce you to a perfect example of what happens when people take propaganda way too far - a religious conservative family from Canada packed it all in and moved to Russia, and is now immediately regretting their decision! Yeah you probably shouldn't do that. And with dwindling attendance numbers and a venerable who's who of partially convicted criminals and registered sex offenders, we have to ask the question - how is CPAC still a thing? And in our weekly venture into the never ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, could the Heritage Foundation eliminate recreational sex once and for all? Well it's possible, but that's what happens when you punish the rape victims and not the men who commit the rapes! We also have a new I Need A Drink! And we take a look at a popular viral tourist destination that's every bit as bizarre and weird as it sounds: the infamous Chicago Rat Hole! Finally this week, it's that time! Stupidest State 2024 is here! And it's time for our Selection Sunday! We're live at the fabulous Yaamava Theater in Highland, CA for the kick off festivities! We have all of the states, stats, odds and info you need to fill out your bracket!
Live Musical Guest: The Red Hot Chili Peppers

**TOP 10 TAKES A WEEK OFF**

Edition #16-5: Do You Want To Build A Straw Man? Edition (3/14/24)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100218777824

Live from Miami! Since it's an election year, we're ramping up our coverage and Super Tuesday was chock full of surprises - and we'll preview some of the biggest races to watch this November, including the California Senate and North Carolina's shocking GOP gubernatorial candidate! We can't wait to see how Fox spins this! Also since it's time for the annual State Of The Union address, we take a look at some of the highlights (and of course, lowlights) of this year's big address! Meanwhile, speaking of the election, the Supreme Court basically gave TFG a "get out of jail free" card and yeah it's every bit as terrible as it sounds, and his upcoming immunity trial doesn't look promising either. But there is some good news to come out of Super Tuesday - there's a growing number of GOPers who are dissatisfied with MAGA lunacy and Trump's increasingly growing extremism, and we can't wait to see how Fox spins this! Andin the latest episode of "Trump cozies up to dictators", he invites Hungary's extremely far right president Viktor Orban to Mar-A-Shithole and well... it goes exactly how you would expect. In our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", you thought that Alabama ruling on abortion was criminally insane? Well we take a look at the people who made it happen, and trust us, it's much worse than you think! And speaking of abortion and science stuff, we add Mississippi's increasingly insane MAGA senator Cindy Hyde-Smith to that ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected! And in our weekly look into the never-ending abyss of online tin foil hat theories in "Conspiracy Corner", Marjorie Three Names and the MAGA lunatics have latched onto a horrifying murder of a UGA nursing student, but why? We think we have an answer! Plus in a new "I Need A Drink", we take a look at the bizarre viral exhibit from Glasgow that made headlines around the world - "The Wonka Experience", which actually is probably more true to the book than the recent movie was! Finally this week it's time for Stupidest State! It's Round 1 Week 1 and we kick things off live in Anaheim at the home of the Anaheim Ducks, Honda Center, for all the action! It's a battle for Batshit Conference supremacy as #1 Florida takes on #2 Arizona, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Missouri takes on #4 Idaho!
Live Musical Guest: Mammoth WVH

Edition #16-6: Wheel Of Corruption: Rogue Nation Edition (3/21/24)
https://democraticunderground.com/100218798371

Live from Sao Paolo, Brazil! As the four year anniversary of when humanity went on lockdown to stop COVID-19 is here, we answer the MAGA's question "Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?" and the answer is a resounding YES! In Congress, there's a shocking plan to ban the social media app Tik Tok under the guise of safety - could the US actually do it? Or will freedom of speech laws prevail? We're siding the 1st amendment on this one! Meanwhile, Boeing is under increasing scrutiny over a series of fuck ups regarding its' controversial MAX series of 737s, but is Boeing at fault or is it the shareholders? It's the shareholders. And yet another attempt by MAGA, sponsored by Fox News in conjunction with the Heritage Foundation, their latest impeachment of Joe Biden blows up in their faces. Face it, guys, you've got nothing! In the latest edition of our segment "We're All Gonna Die", Florida is rebooting two deadly diseases that were previously eradicated - measles and mumps! Heck of a job, Ronnie! This is why you don't listen to stupid people on social media! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", you think that the rise of Christian nationalism is a uniquely American problem? Hell no! It's a global problem and we'll show you what Nazism version 2.0 is going to look like! Fun times! Plus in a new "Beating A Dead Horse", Elon Musk and NVIDIA's Jensen Huang are making the claim that diversity in AI has gone too far. Well has it? We put the claims to the test! And in our latest look at the never-ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, RFK Jr may be selecting a running mate, but would want any of these clowns running the White House? Hell no! We also have a new People Are Dumb because of course they are! Finally this week it's time for Stupidest State! This week it's Round 1 Week 2 and we're live at the home of the Sacramento Kings, the Golden 1 Center in Sacramento! #1 Ohio takes on #2 Wisconsin for control of the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, while over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Oklahoma takes on #4 North Carolina! It's getting exciting!
Live Musical Guest: Sepultura

Edition #16-7: Fear & Loathing In Buenos Aires Edition (3/28/24)
https://democraticunderground.com/100218818182

Live from Buenos Aires, Argentina! Well despite its' best efforts, Argentina succumbs to the Steve Bannon Facist-Verse (worst extended universe ever!) and it's going predictably south, but it's much worse than everyone thinks! Back at home, Trump tells Judge Willis that he can't pay E. Jean Carroll the money he owes her, so his assets are in the process of being seized! It's a MAGA yard sale, everything must go! Plus in the world of sports, baseball's golden boy, the Los Angeles Dodgers' Shohei Ohtani, is knee deep in a gambling scandal involving his former translator that could cost his former team and probably himself big time! Meanwhile, the MAGA Qongress is doing further damage to itself in its' attempt to impeach Joe Biden, because, reasons. We also have a new venture into the never ending world of extreme corporate greed, Late Stage Capitalism! Who's responsible for the latest FUBAR regarding Boeing's 737 Max 9? Well, it's not Boeing. It's Wall Street and the shareholder class! Hope they enjoy their ill gotten gains! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", we take a look at the controversial pay-to-pray app called Hallow that's being endorsed by celebrities and musicians alike! And no it's not the key to spiritual fulfillment. We profile North Carolina's extremist MAGA gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson (Q - Nazi) in a new edition of This Fucking Guy! And in our weekly visit to the never-ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, our old friend, Marjorie Greene unleashed an extremely bizarre rant about baby organ harvesting, and made herself look criminally insane in the process! Never go full Q! We also have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week it's time for Stupidest State 2024 Round 1 Week 3! We're live at the home of the San Diego State Aztecs, Viejas Arena in San Diego for all the action! In the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, favorite #3 Nevada takes on red hot #4 South Dakota, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #1 Texas takes on #2 Georgia! The Elite 8 is shaping up!
Live Musical Guest: Bleachers

**Top 10 Takes A Week Off**

Edition #16-8: Troll Bridge Over The River Kwai Edition (4/12/24)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100218856911

Live from Las Vegas! As we were putting together the previous edition - there was a horrifying collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge just outside of Baltimore, and that didn't stop the conspiracy theorists of the world from whipping people into a needless frenzy! In their latest attempt to suck up to the wannabe Fuhrer, some MAGA republicans have proposed renaming DC's Dulles Airport to Donald J Trump International, what could possibly go wrong there? And speaking of that man who we inexplicably used to call president, his social media hidey hole, Truth Social, went public, and the stock market free fall is the very definition of a "pump and dump" scheme, but that won't stop Fox and the MAGAs from declaring yet another victory! Meanwhile, in election season news, conservatives are actually losing ground to democrats in the fundraising department on every level! Gee, you think fucking with authoritarianism is a terrible idea? And in a new edition of We're All Gonna Die - we're seeing the sheer terror of zoonotic viruses as Bird / Avian Flu is making a resurgence - can we stop the next pandemic from happening or are we all gonna die? Little column A, little column B. In our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", yes, He Who Shall Not Be Named is putting his signature on the Holy Book. Just remember what Jesus said about the dark one posing as a creature of light! We also profile Trump's billionaire sugar daddy and LA sub prime auto loan kingpin Don Hankey in a new edition of This Fucking Guy! And in our weekly venture into the never-ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, wingnuts are suggesting that a lone Nebraska electoral vote, from the NB-2 district where Omaha is, could decide the whole election - so who gets it? And could this really happen? Well, we need to vote in numbers large enough so it doesn't happen! And in a new "I Need A Drink", America is about to be invaded by... insects! Yes, the annoying little bugs known as cicadas are back for a once in a century mating frenzy that could see their population rise in the billions! Cicada cocktails, anyone? Finally it's time for Stupidest State 2024! This week it's Round 1 Week 4 and #3 Louisiana is looking to unseat #4 Kentucky for control of the Batshit Conference, while #3 Oklahoma is facing a challenge from #4 North Carolina in the Family Values Conference for a spot in the Elite 8! We're live from San Diego with all the exciting action!
Live Musical Guest: Bad Religion

Edition #16-9: Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless MAGA Mind Edition (4/18/24)
https://democraticunderground.com/100218874363

Live From New Orleans! Just as the dust from Alabama's insane abortion ruling is starting to settle, along comes Arizona, who says "Hold my beer and watch this!" as they drag abortion rights back to the 1860s! The Worst House in American history is back at it again, this time they could potentially torpedo any funding to aid Ukraine in their ongoing war efforts, while Vladimir Putin and their Fox News overlords laugh all the way to the bank! And the MAGA feud between Marjorie Three Names and MAGA Mike Johnson continues to escalate. Can we just put these two in a steel cage death match and get it over with already? Meanwhile, we normally do not cover Trump's insane MAGA rallies, but rumors are circulating on social media that he may have totally faked his recent campaign stop at an Atlanta-area Chik-Fil-A. Which does not surprise us in the least! In a new edition of our award winning investigative journalism segment, "Top 10 Investigates", we take a look at travel anxiety - specifically related to flying on Boeing jets in the wake of recent SNAFUs regarding its' highly controversial 737 Max 8 and 737 Max 9 jets! In our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", if you think recent abortion rulings are insane, we're here to remind you that it's been 10 years since the SCOTUS case Burwell V. Hobby Lobby that allowed for religious exemptions, but don't give up hope just yet! Plus in a new Beating A Dead Horse - yes OJ Simpson has died, but a recently resurfaced Saturday Night Live clip reignited the feud between him and late, great comedian Norm MacDonald. But really it was all just for show! In a new edition of our weekly venture into the never-ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, we look at what's going on with our neighbors to the north, Canada, where far right Christian nationalist Pierre Poilieverie is running against Justin Trudeau, and he's picked up the endorsement of Alex Jones, which tells you all that you need to know. And in a new I Need A Drink, there's a controversial law in Japan that could see the entire country have the same surname in 500 years! That would be absolutely insane if that were to happen! Finally this week it's Stupidest State 2024! This week it's Round 2 Week 1 which means it's the Gun Nut Conference championships! Texas. Missouri. One of these two will punch a ticket to the Final Four, the other goes home!
Live Musical Guest: Michael Franti & Spearhead

Edition #16-10: Wheel Of Corruption: Dead Reckoning Edition (4/25/24)
https://democraticunderground.com/100218895760

Live from San Francisco Podcastfest! A truly massive, monumental defeat is handed to the MAGA Q nuts and the Worst House In US History as MAGA Mike Johnson passes the Ukraine aid bill, and we have to say it's been fun watching their heads explode as Congress actually does the right thing for once! We delve into the latest developments from Trump's hush money trial - and it's going almost exactly how you'd expect, but wait until you hear his latest and lamest hair-brained excuse for getting out of testifying yet! And Trump's favorite network of choice, Fox News, may be guilty of juror intimidation. Another reason why we can't have nice things in this country! Meanwhile in Russia, a probe found that Vladimir Putin's minions have openly admitted to weakening Ukraine's allies through the use of weaponized and targeted social media propaganda, which includes the United States. But we'd be a fool and a communist to connect the dots leading to Trump, though! In a new edition of We're All Gonna Die - climate change denial is slowly killing you, so quit watching Fox News, damn it! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit" - forget the merger of church and state, our resident pastor is going to tell you that the merger of church and far right authoritarian cult is far more terrifying! We add Tennessee's white supremacist MAGA governor Bill Lee to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. And in a new edition of our weekly venture into the black hole of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, the state of Tennessee, which has gone hard MAGA and is not coming back to reality any time soon, has banned chemtrails, because... reasons. Plus in a new edition of I Need A Drink, we have to talk about the great Red Lobster disaster of 2024, which nearly bankrupted the famous seafood chain, and they're coming back for round 2! Who needs a shrimp cocktail? We do! And finally it's time for Stupidest State 2024! It's Round 2 Week 2 which means it's the Family Values Conference championships! Alabama. Oklahoma. One of these two will advance, the other will go home! We're live in Denver with all the exciting action!
Live Musical Guest: KMFDM

Edition #16-11: The Ministry Of Un-American Warfare Edition (5/2/24)

Live from Tallahassee! The right wing keeps trying to force a dictatorship on the American people as the controversial SCOTUS trial over Trump's presidential immunity case moves forward, but we might not see a verdict until after the election! WTF. In an absolutely shocking move that nobody saw coming, the state of New York voted to overturn the conviction of noted sex offender Harvey Weinstein. Meanwhile, in Arizona, all of the fake electors that voted against certifying the 2020 presidential election were indicted, and that includes some very high profile MAGAs! Play stupid games, win stupid prizes! The latest from Trump's New York securities fraud trial includes some Fox News interference and probably his most hair-brained excuse for getting out of testifying yet! In a new edition of We're All Gonna Die - is your Tesla Autopilot killing you? It's another loss caused by Elon for the embattled electric vehicle purveyors. In our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", we take a look at the new documentary that aims to blow the roof off the rise of Christian nationalism in the United States - "Bad Faith" and no, we're not talking about this subject enough! In the number 7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse! The Backstreet Boys' upcoming reunion has been marred by a bit of controversy - mostly surrounding Nick Carter and his late brother Aaron, but how much truth is there to this new documentary called "Fallen Idols"? We take a look at both sides! And in our weekly venture into the never-ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, Marjorie Three Names gets a shout out from Russian State TV - but we'd be a fool and a communist to question MAGA's ties to Russia. SMDH. We also have a new I Need A Drink - the Russian Baltic state of Checnya has effectively banned music - and you won't believe what makes the list! And finally it's time for Stupidest State 2024! This week it's Round 2 Week 3 which means it's the Batshit Conference Finals! Arizona. Louisiana. One of these two will advance to the Final Four, the other goes home! We're live in San Antonio for all the exciting action!
Live Musical Guest: Khruangbin

January 11, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #29: The Best Of Holy Shit #3 Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #29: The Best Of Holy Shit #3 Edition

Ed. Note - due to a scheduling conflict, the Top 10 is early today! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Oh hello! Welcome to the New Year that is 2024, everybody! As we get ready to bring you some more rounds of conservative insanity through the year, we’re also looking back by bringing you some of our best stuff. This week we decided to celebrate our extremely successful spin off program Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons, we’re going to bring you more of the best of Holy Shit! So we scoured the Top 10 archives and we’re going to bring you ten of our favorite Holy Shit segments ! Also don’t forget that this weekend we have a bonus episode of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons where we will answer some of your prayers from the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven, and we don’t need to remind you that it’s been ringing off the hook in the last few weeks and JAYSUS has been busy answering them and listening to your gripes on hot button issues like the rise of religious fascism in America and whether or not Q Anon qualifies as an actual religion (hint: it doesn’t). But enough of our rambling, let’s get this started!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! Thank you for indulging us in this Best Of edition, and trust us we’re planning some big things for 2024, that I can assure you! Well let’s get this started and we’ve got a lot of ground to cover! In the number one slot this week, from Idiots #13-2, The Unholy Dark One’s minion Marjorie Greene (1) declares herself to be a proud “Christian nationalist”, so we take a look at exactly what that means, and in the words of a wise man, it ain’t good! In the second slot, this one comes from Idiots #11-5, when we go across the ocean to the land down under, Australia, and they have a huge church with an authoritarian world view and some extreme cult-like fanaticism, Hillsong (2). You may have heard of them. And they’re in some big trouble, and they’ve got some ‘splainin to do! In the third slot, this one comes from Idiots #15-1, and we’ll admit that even while we’re claiming to be in the religious “business” (3), we’ll happily pay our fair share of the taxes if it means that we get to keep making fun of the megachurches that don’t! In the number 4 slot, from Idiots #12-5, we’re going to present to you some MAGA friendly (4) candidates for you to choose from, and whew boy, do the MAGAs sure know how to pick them or what? In the number 5 slot, from Idiots #14-2, we head to Las Vegas to check out the ReAwaken America tour (5) and it’s a melting pot of religious conspiracy theorists and conservative whackjobs alike! In the 6th slot, from Idiots #14-4, conservatives (6) are making some ridiculous claims about America’s church and state separation, but they’re going after it like a hostile corporate takeover and it’s truly disheartening to watch! In the number 7 slot, from Idiots #7-3, we actually get to play GAWD (7) and find out who’s really controlling the weather – is it an act of GAWD or is it some guy with a cell phone and a tin foil hat? You be the judge! In the number 8 slot, from Idiots #9-1, we have a rather bizarre theory on Christians and time travel (8) and why do they want to take us way back to the 1950s? We have our theories! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot, from Idiots #5-14, we take a look at an insane new documentary movie being promoted by our personal favorite punching bag, Liberty University (9), called “The Trump Prophecy” and it’s every bit as ridiculous as it sounds! Finally to close things out, from Idiots #14-9, you know that group TPUSA (10)? Turns out that they’re targeting churches and if they come to your local church, you should take a look at what they’re doing when the church doors are closed! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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From: Idiots #13-2

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! I am sounding the alarm this week. So in the last few months we’ve been calling out our acquaintance Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit) and some of the crazy things that she has been saying lately. So Ms. Greene says that the United States is a “Christian Nation” and that “Christian nationalism is a good thing”. Uh… what are you smoking? No it isn’t! It’s not a good thing and I’m pretty sure we’ve fought a couple of wars over this sort of thing and your side lost every one of them. But you don’t support the good LAWRD JAYSUS, Marjorie. As you so claim. No, instead you support the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! You know, last week we brought up the decline of modern religion. And it’s mainly thanks to these people. I know I do not want to live in the nation they envision. It is degrading and dehumanizing and racist in nature. Did I say racist? Yeah it’s extremely racist!





Well he’s not wrong there! We are living in SIN! But it’s because these morons who preach the gospel of the unholy Dark One that we are in this mess! For those who support dark cannot see the light – that is what it says in our Good Book! I’m getting really tired of religious extremism and authoritarianism in this country. If they got back into power with a sizeable majority in the Senate and Congress? Who knows what kind of damage they could do? I’m 100% convinced they would go full Nazi if given the opportunity, and that’s a scary thought!





So don’t get us wrong, I want to reiterate our stance on this – is that we are 100000% opposed to the extremist ideas that Rep. Greene is proposing! And we do not support the unholy Dark One under any circumstances! And by the way this new crop of MAGA extremists who support the Dark One, are only proving my point about the evangelical right’s plans to go full Nazi should they win in a landslide election in 2024 or beyond. As evidenced by Doug Mastriano (Q - Insurrectionist) of Pennsylvania, because he supports this kind of thing.





Yes but nobody is saying “Gab” this or “Gab” that, because really fuck Gab. Yes, we’re allowed to swear in my church! But leave it to the most extreme to pull this kind of crap. I’ve been doing some reading into Christian nationalism and it’s not good! At all! And the extremist bubble is eventually going to burst because it’s so extreme. It’s pretty evident that Rep. Greene is going full on extremist because she wants to be the Dark One’s running mate very badly. You can tell. But when your party gets this extreme, that’s nothing to be proud of. And when the Dark One is on your side, that’s a pretty sure fire indicator that you shouldn’t be on that side.



?

God I feel like this is only going to get worse before it gets better. These extremists are scary, and extremism is scary business! Don’t forget to tune in next week when we celebrate 5 years of doing this program! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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From: Idiots #11-5

Spin it to win it! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! And it’s one of our patented clips without context!

https://twitter.com/RightWingWatch/status/1424730511658950659

And if you want to meet Jesus, all you have to do is follow Pastor Feuerstein’s advice! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know religion is something that is global, and it is seen and heard around this great big world of ours. But even the most global of churches can hide a dark and sinister side. One of the most global churches is Hillsong Church out of Australia. They’re a group with a global following which includes sold out concerts and conferences, and multi-platinum albums, and even celebrity fans like Justin Bieber and Kanye West. But they are in a lot of trouble with the feds and it’s not good. Let’s face it – they are not so much a church as they are a full blown cult. So just how much trouble are they in? Well it’s not something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, and it’s of course that they are supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One! But Hillsong is led by Brian Houston, a man who could be in some very deep trouble!





You know we’ve covered sex scandals and abuses on this program before so there’s nothing we can do to make fun of this. But we can make fun of the abusers right? Though I am reminded of what it says in the Good Book, you can count on that. Although “you’re ashamed”? That’s the best you could come up with, seriously? But guess what – Pastor Houston met with the unholy Dark One himself! That’s right you can’t make this stuff up folks!





Yeah so make no mistake that when you’re dealing with the Unholy Dark One, that you are making a deal with the Devil himself! But here’s the even more disturbing thing about this church – Pastor Houston was not the only pastor who was accused of abuse! There’s also this story out of Hillsong’s New York City chapter that also broke this year regarding the church! Which just begs the question – what kind of people are they looking for when they hire new pastors?





But that could be a lot of them, Reverend! For you see Hillsong has an abuse problem on its’ hands and it’s not going away any time soon. In fact there’s now a third scandal breaking out of Montclair, New Jersey and it’s another one worth keeping tabs on! But really what’s tempting the members of Hillsong that they keep finding ways to cheat on their wives and abuse people? I’m almost starting to think it’s a regular feature with this cult church!





That was perfect for that! But yes… beware the cult of Hillsong for they are not to be trusted with their leadership! And let’s not forget that case of vaccine denial from Northern California this week. So they’ve got some problems and they’re not going away any time soon! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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From Idiots #15-1

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! We are back! And boy does it feel good to be back, everybody doesn’t it? Well, now there’s a touchy subject that we need to discuss this week. We ended last season by telling you about the insane financial problems that the Mormon Church was having, and it appears that they have way too much money (see: Idiots #14-16 ). Look, there comes a time when the 800 pound gorilla in the room needs to be addressed. And I think it’s finally time that we addressed it – churches have way too much fucking money. It’s way past time that they pay taxes on it. I said it. Now look, we’re very pro capitalist here, but even capitalism has its’ limitations. These churches are not doing anything good with their money either. They don’t support the tired or the poor. Instead they support the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved, so disgusting that his name dare *NOT* be spoken in my church! I mean how do churches get away with such a blatant display of political behavior? Ours aside, of course!





Oh my GAWD… how do they keep getting away with this stuff? Any party that begins purging educational materials that might encourage independent thought is clearly a sign of a party that is being run by dangerous lunatics! And with the far right having a stranglehold on the current Supreme Court, what’s there to stop them from enacting a full on, government mandated religious agenda? This is exactly why we say churches need to start paying their fair share of taxes. If they want to preach politics, they pay. End of story. Of course this SCOTUS will probably rule with the Christian extremists in the GOP because a few of them are on the bench. Ugh.





You know, I think it’s way past time that we started asking this question – what the absolute hell are they talking about? Where has prayer or the Bible been taken out of society? Stop with the “woe is me, I’m the victim” complex already. Maybe that’s why they love and worship the Unholy Dark One, because he is the face of the white Christian persecution complex! And in case you were wondering, the official position here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 is that we are vehemently 100% opposed to book bans and Moms For Liberty, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! They do not support GAWD or JAYSUS! And again, another reason why churches need to pay taxes!





Probably never! Because that money is being used to bankroll supporters of the Unholy Dark One to places where they don’t belong! And come on, do we really need to tie this insane “anti-woke” rallying cry that the far right has been on the last year and a half to religion? It’s yet another one of the reasons why we can’t have nice things. No we don’t need this crap in the Senate, and we really don’t need this crap polluting the House either. The right wing’s obsession with this stuff is getting weird and insane, and is reaching new levels of ridiculousness every single day! We may have to talk about this in a future sermon!





I’d personally much rather get Josh Hawley out of politics, then nothing of value would be lost! Ugh, this is going to be a long two years isn’t it? We don’t know how much more of these morons we can possibly take! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! Don’t forget Season 2 Of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons premieres Sept.24th! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: MAGA 2022 Candidates
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From: Idiots #12-5

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! By the way it is so great to have our gospel choir back isn’t it, and give it up for them! You know we live in a strange time right now. And you know what? I am not afraid to get docked by the IRS this week because we need to get blunt and straight to the point because the future of our country is at stake here. And it’s at stake because those who believe in the unholy, ungodly Dark One are running their people for office. And the Dark One is of course a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting, that his name dare not be spoken in my church! But what truly scares me about some of these people is that they seek to undo nearly 200 years of the very principals that this great nation was founded on. One of which is separation of church and state. Which brings me to my first candidate – Kandiss Taylor of Georgia, who’s not even trying to hide her positions. Nope, they’re on display on her tour bus and they’re very much out in the open!





I will say this and listen very clearly: NO!!!! You are not the one we have been waiting for! In fact you are the exact opposite of what we have been waiting for! We do not want anyone who supports the unholy Dark One! That is no t what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want! Now what kind of fucked up shithole party supports this nonsense? Well the same party that supports the candidate behind door #2 – Wendy Rogers of Arizona! Yes, her credentials with the Dark One are strong, and she is the exact kind of candidate you would expect them to run!





Yes so there’s Kandiss Taylor and Wendy Rogers – both of which are certified batshit crazy and the opposite of what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want! Oh and you think we might be done, my fair congregation, that I most assure you we are not! Next up I give you Bianca Garcia – a Texas woman who claims that she was sent here by GAWD and that all who do not vote for in 2022 will pay dearly! Imagine the sheer balls that it takes to say something like this. Like I do not, nor ever will command an army of volunteers the way these people do. And the “do as I say” thing never works. Nobody likes a tyrant!





I know right? Even SAYTAN is having a hard time with this one! And by the way you might be wondering where MAGA finds candidates like this. Well they all fall under the “America First” banner that the unholy Dark One himself has been peddling for the last few years. And of course if they gather, do not question them! For you see, racists don’t like to be called racist. And if they’re attending a racist conference, don’t question them. They do not like to be questioned!





So yeah gather a group of Christian nationalist extremists in a room together and there’s not enough crazy in the world to cover it! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: ReAwaken America 2023 Tour
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From: Idiots #14-2

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we’ve talked a lot on this program the last few months about the rise of religious fascist authoritarianism in the United States. And I don’t need to tell you that if you’re not frightened by the return of Neo Nazis and white supremacists in this country, then you aren’t paying attention! These people claim to worship GAWD and JAYSUS, but they do not! Instead they worship the Unholy, Ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so disgusting and appalling that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! Well there’s a tour going around, you may have heard of it, it’s called the ReAwaken America tour. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s sort of a tent revival sermon that was started as a lockdown protest. Now they protest, well, just about anything and everything. Well, the 2023 edition of the ReAwaken America tour is a melting pot of far right insanity and religious anti-vaccine conspiracy theories, and of course those insane idiots who call themselves “prophets”. I mean imagine the balls that it takes to call yourself a “prophet”. Well, it doesn’t take much because there’s apparently a lot of these idiots.





These people should feel bad about themselves because they are spreading lies and hate and false information about conspiracy theory nonsense! That’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would have in mind now would it? And now of course we have no doubts that the fiery pit of hell in Miami that is the property of the Dark One would host such an event would they? Well they are, because of course that maniac would! You know if you’re not horrified by the systematic teardown of one of the basic principles that this country was founded on – separation of church and state – as much as we are, then you’re not paying attention!





I will repeat this just to reiterate how serious I am about this subject – the merger of church and state is extremely dangerous and Q Anon is playing with fire here. These people are turning into a scary cult and none of this will end well for anyone involved! Phew, now that I got that off my chest, we must move on because that’s what we do. But we can’t deny that this tour is a melting pot of crazies, whackos, and conspiracy theorists. Since the Dark One was elected with the help of a certain politically oriented news network that I shall not name, the church has been hijacked by lunatics and is being driven off a cliff, and it’s truly disheartening to watch.





Yeah it’s very dirty and sinful, all right! These people are the opposite of everything that is good and decent in this world. Why is that? Well for one thing they support the Unholy Dark One! He is the ruiner of all things that are good and decent in this world! It’s totally scary what the Christian right has become since the Dark One took over. It’s like the church has just unleashed its’ inner asshole and is not coming back to reality any time soon! And by the way for those of you wondering what kind of hateful rhetoric you can expect if you attend this event, well, let’s just say that today’s Christian conservatives are letting their conspiracy theory freak flag fly proudly!





Sigh… it’s these people that are the reason why we can’t have nice things. You know with friends like these, who needs enemies? This is definitely going to get worse before it gets better, folks! Just sit back and watch the destruction! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Merger Of Church And State

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From: Idiots #14-4

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know in the last few weeks and months we’ve been talking a lot about the United States’ slide into becoming a religious fascist totalitarian entity. It started innocently enough with the Christian right’s takeover of school boards and city councils. But what we’ve been finding lately is that it’s not really a “slide”. It’s more like a hostile corporate takeover. Yeah think of it like that scene in Avengers: Age Of Ultron when Jarvis gets taken over by Ultron and becomes this living, breathing entity. But again, these people do not worship GAWD or JAYSUS. No, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a being so foul, so inhumane, and so profoundly disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But imagine for a minute that your hate is so strong that you actively pray against your enemies. I mean come on, what the hell kind of bullshit is that? Yes, we’re allowed to swear in my church, as long as it’s not at someone! But seriously, the MAGAs seem bent on taking this country to a new dark age!





And you know what? They should feel bad about themselves. This is some stunningly EVIL stuff that the religious right is up to here. Look, we don’t need the barely educated worshippers of the Unholy Dark One dictating to us what to do. It’s beyond the pale that they are praying for their enemies’ demise. I mean whatever happened to “love thy neighbor”? These Dark One worshippers really need to reexamine their life choices if this is what they really want. I can honestly guarantee that it’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now, is it?





Uh no we haven’t, sir! I mean this is truly insane. The religious right has really gone beyond the pale and I have no doubt that if they were to get into power again they would do some serious damage to this country and its’ reputation. You know, churches have become basically just front organizations for right wing political groups. Which is why I say that it’s a hostile takeover. But have no fear! The “prophets” who claim to support the Unholy Dark One are here! That’s right, my fair brothers and sisters! We’ve got a spiritual warfare brewing!





But here’s the thing – make no mistake that the language that the right wing is using right now is the very sort of thing that leads to hate crimes, mass murder and even worse. And you know what? It’s by design that they are doing this. This is what happens when your talking points are manufactured by a megalomaniacal billionaire who wants to take over the world. I don’t want you to think that I’m being too paranoid either! They are currently banning books in the name of the Dark One, and I have no doubt that if they got back into power that they would do something EVIL!





No, Rick! You’re the one living the dirty, sinful lifestyle! It’s this kind of Christianity that is totally losing its’ mind. We cannot let them regain power under any circumstances, my fair congregation! And I will fight it to the very end! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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From: Idiots #7-3

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Austin! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know as I repeatedly say that we live in the most troubled of times. And it’s really hard to find joy when the world is going to hell right now. But I must say that I have taken some true delight in the sheer stupidity of what our brothers and sisters on the right have accomplished! You really can’t get much dumber than this. For there is a show on Amazon about good vs EEEVIL that you must watch. That show is called “Good Omens”. Of course we all know that there aren’t any, that title is an oxymoron. So what did they do to deserve this? Well they’re so steeped in their outrage machine that they don’t even know who they are mad at!





Of course the DEVIL walks among us! That’s what he does, and we see him literally everywhere, but that’s not what this sermon is about, now is it? But this, my fair congregation, this is where people can get so caught up in being outraged at something that they don’t even know what they’re mad at or who they are mad at. Enter the group Return To Order. So they had 20,000 signatures to cancel the show which went to… the wrong network! That’s hilarious.





Yes, I got to say that even SAYTAN himself is laughing at you! Now in doing a deep dive on this subject, I had to look up exactly who Return To Order are. And they are a group of Catholics who, quite frankly have no sense of humor. I mean I have to believe that the GOOD LAWRD has a sense of humor because I’ve been doing this thing for a while and I have yet to be smited! So just who are these humorless killjoys who have to ruin everything?





Now maybe that’s in your good book, Reverend. But in my Good Book, it says that we can, and we can also taunt, so suck it!! OK that maybe went a step too far there. So GAWD has to have a sense of humor even if these losers don’t. But if we can’t laugh about the devil, at least Netflix and Amazon can get a good laugh at them. And yes, even the GOOD LAWRD JAYSUS is laughing at you and not with you!





So there you have it, Return To Order might not have a sense of humor, but Netflix and Amazon do, and that makes them automatically better! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit

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From: Idiots #9-1

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Tallahassee! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know church is closed even though in this time of pandemic that we are considered an essential business. Well in some states anyway. But that said, we’ve finally moved out of the church basement and into our temporary new studio. Don’t worry, we will be back in our brand new church relatively soon (we hope). But this week I have to talk about the events of the last two weeks. I only have one rule in my church and that is that we should never mention the unholy, ungodly Dark One by his name! But since he committed the most ultimate of party fouls, we must. Yes, he went to St. John’s Church and held up the Holy Book in a badly timed and poorly planned PR stunt!





Yes, yes he does! And really can we say that the guy who spends the least amount of time in church is claiming to be the godliest among us? Well have you seen who he surrounds himself with? And this is not a well or sane man. This is a very evil, wicked man who has evil intentions and is consumed by his ego, and that is a recipe for SIN!!! He is a wicked SINNER!!!! He is currently ruling this country with the darkest of hearts!





Except that there is judgement here! Because we are in an election year and it’s turned into what might possibly be one of the biggest nightmares of all time. We have the darkest and most wickedly EVIL ruler of them all in the White House and it does look like it will take a miracle for him to stay in power. It is time to cast aside this wicked evil!





But back to what I am saying, and for our church to take a hit discussing politics, and you know what? At this point who cares? Seriously talk to me again this time next year when we have a competent administration in charge and we can start nipping COVID in the bud. But until then we have an absolute clown who cares about his ratings, and his standing with the Christian right.





OK I needed to get that off my chest. And hey I didn’t break my one rule everybody! Virtual mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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From: Idiots #5-14

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My friends, my fair congregation! Remember in that movie “The Dark Knight” when Batman only had one rule and that he would never break it for anybody? Well tonight I am actually going to break my one rule. And that rule is that I never mention the unholy, ungodly Dark One by name in my church! But when there’s a movie being made about unforeseen prophecies surrounding the Dark One, as told by a crackpot, I feel that I must break character!





No, Rick, your end goal is to preach to the choir of supporters of the unholy dark one that their batshit crazy theories are justified! And that Dark One’s name? Donald J. Trump. There, I said it! And you know this movie is a direct violation of IRS tax exempt rules. And also apparently it violates Facebook advertising policies!





Because nothing is worse than a bunch of falsehood nonsense told by a crackpot is there? And you guys are mad when you violated Facebook’s rules are you? Well, you have nobody to blame but yourself, for the good LAWRD sayeth “man must not blame others for his own musings.” Yes it says so in my good book here. So was this election GAWD’s plan? Or was it not???





Now I do love that one! So is GAWD just getting started? Or do we need to remind you of the kind of crackpot that Mark Taylor is? And yes, he is a crackpot ladies and gentlemen of my fair congregation, because this is the kind of nonsense you can expect from Mr. Taylor!





Really? This bullshit is still a thing? That’s why you are going to get your asses handed to you in November, and yes, I realized I just violated the IRS rules there! But then again, so did Liberty University, and they should pay dearly for this! But then again, Mark also claims that GAWD confirmed his SCOTUS prophecy with a train horn. Can you spell “crackpot”?





Yes, Mark, even JAYSUS thinks you’re doing it wrong!! For your crackpot theories about the Dark One are just that – crackpot theories! There you go, mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:



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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: TPUSA Goes To Church
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From: Idiots #14-9

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! Now look, I’m aware of what country I live in. I know that America has been enabling the religious right for decades and they have only got weirder and crazier with each passing generation. We have some of the largest churches in the world. And I’m not sure if that’s something that we should really be proud of, and I say this as a man of GAWD. But when your churches own stadiums, then that’s a huge problem. And I’ve often said that you should be aware of your church’s after hours activities. There’s a group going around college campuses attempting to convert people to the side of the unholy, ungodly Dark One. They’re called TPUSA. And yes, they support the Dark One. I of course speak of a man so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! If TPUSA comes to your local church, then you should probably aware of what they are doing when there’s nobody in the pews. And as you can probably imagine, most of what they are doing is not what one would call good, even though they think it probably is.





Yes, do we really need Sean Feucht and his fascist authoritarian nonsense coming back? We’ve talked about him before in previous installments (see: Idiots #9-17 and [link: https://upload.democraticunderground.com/100215887800 | Idiots #11-9] ). And this is one comeback we didn’t ask for, and certainly don’t want. Because he is also a tool of the Dark One and internet conspiracy theorists. But when you peel back the layers, TPUSA has an almost certainly evil agenda afoot, my friends! And that agenda is of course racism and white supremacy, both things that the Dark One exploits!





Yes, that devil is of course the Dark One. And like all DEMONS, he has enablers. TPUSA is one of those enablers in question! And this isn’t the first time that TPUSA has been caught with their white supremacist pants down. They have a long, long, ridiculously long history of flaunting their racism out in the open. And look, we’ve been talking about white nationalism and particularly Christian nationalism lately because that seems to be where the church is heading. But what bothers me is that the right wing is touting their extremism as “common sense”. There’s nothing common sense about any of the things they’re saying and doing!





You mean Flanders? Ha! Now my fair congregation, I say that it’s important to keep tabs on what your local church’s after hours activities are. Because if they support the unholy Dark One, and they have white nationalist speakers come to their church, they are embracing fascist authoritarianism and all of the evils that the Dark One stands for! Which for that may or may not include SAYTAN, er, Putin. But my point is that it seems to be all connected. And that connection seems to be their infatuation with the Unholy Dark One himself! But this is why I say it’s important to keep tabs on what your church is up to when the pews are empty. Because they are most certainly up to no good!





Yes, folks, if your church invites white nationalists over for dinner, you can be certain that they’re not there to hold hands and sing Kumbaya! They are there to stir shit up and embrace the Dark One and all that he stands for! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




Thanks for indulging us in the best of Holy Shit! Don’t forget that episode 6 of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons premiers this Sunday at 1:00 PM! We’ll be back next week with the Best Of Season 15 and then we kick off season 16! Episode guide coming soon!

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Constellation Room At The Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 4, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots presents: Throwback Thursdays!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots presents: Throwback Thursdays!

When the Top 10 is off, we bring you some flashback editions in a series of 3, each revolving around a different theme! This week's theme is: New Year, New You! We pick some of the best from the start of a new year's past and one of our more popular segments - Catch Up On Stuff We Missed!

Our first Throwback Thursday comes from Idiots #12-1 (airdate 1/27/22) when Trump's latest attempt to overthrow the election backfires spectacularly, Ron DeSantis interferes with public education again, anti-vaxxers seem keen on taking themselves out, Holy Shit looks at the MAGA vaccine war, Conspiracy Corner examines the concept of "red pilling", People Are Dumb and our segment Red State Diaries looks at insane COVID cures!

Link: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100216293374

Our second #ThrowbackThursdays comes from Idiots #6-1 (original air date 1/9/19) when Trump is mocked for quoting Game Of Thrones, Jair Bolsonaro is sworn in as Brazil's new president, Holy Shit predicts what's going to happen, Explaining Jokes To Idiots looks at the Louis CK controversy. And Top 10 Investigates takes a look at the world of food recalls, and you may want to think twice before asking "Hey, you gonna eat that?".

Link: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211648683

Our final #ThrowbackThursdays comes from Idiots #8-1 (air date: 1/9/20) in the mere innocent times of January 2020, when Trump's NYE bash was insane, Holy Shit looks at the religious side of Q Anon, Beating A Dead Horse thinks it's too soon to start asking about WWIII, parts of Australia and California are on fire, and we have a special New Year's edition of People Are Dumb!

Link: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212854079

December 21, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Throwback Thursdays!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Throwback Thursdays!

When the Top 10 is off, we bring you some flashback editions in a series of 3, each revolving around a different theme. This week’s theme, since it is that time of year, is Christmas! We’re bringing you 3 editions with either Christmas related entries or are related to the right wing’s perpetual and never ending War On Christmas!

Our first one comes from Idiots #7-22 (original air date: 12/11/19) when Nancy Pelosi starts drafting impeachment articles against Trump. Meanwhile, we ask how New York’s most infamous “convention” SantaCon is still a thing, Billie Eilish doesn’t know who Eddie Van Halen is, and I Need A Drink introduces you to Dark Santa, aka Krampus!
Link: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212772213

Our second one comes from Idiots #5-23, aka our famous British themed edition (original air date: 12/12/18), where Holy Shit hangs out at DC’s new Bible Museum (owned by Hobby Lobby), Beating A Dead Horse has a spirited debate about the controversial holiday classic “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, and we have a very British edition of People Are Dumb!
Link: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211543778

Our final Christmas themed edition this week comes from Idiots #11-16 (original air date: 12/9/21) where Roe V Wade is literally a court case away from being eliminated, upscale department stores are getting bombarded with “smash and grab” robberies, Holy Shit looks at Q Anon as a religion, and I Need A Drink takes a look at the batshit crazy offerings from the annual GOOP Holiday Gift Guide!
Link: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100216129411

December 18, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 5: 2023 Year In Review

Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 5: 2023 Year In Review



Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! This is it, we come now to the end of the year of our LAWRD, 2023! How about that? It seems like we just started this season of our fine program last week and now we’re at the very end, how time flies! But this week, we’re wrapping up the year in a nice, neat little package for all of you to enjoy with our year in review! But don’t worry – because of the popularity of this season, we’re coming back for another one! We’ll have some more details about that soon, so be sure to follow us on Mastodon at holychurchoftop10@ mstdn.party for updates! But we’ve definitely got a lot on our plate and a lot of fun things for next year planned, and as usual next year is an election year so what could possibly go wrong? Well we won’t worry about that now. For now, let’s send the year off right and get down to having some fun, shall we?

Where do we begin this week? In the number one slot, we’re taking a look back at all of the wacky things that the Christian right was saying and doing (1), and that can be summed up nicely in one word, and that word is nationalism. In the second slot, we’re not going backwards, instead we’re going forwards (2) with our annual attempt to predict what’s going to happen next year because if it’s a year and there’s talk about GAWD, you can bet that it’s going to be as batshit crazy as you might expect, and this year was not disappointing to say the least ! In the number 3 slot, we’re going to do even more predicting of the future, because the GOP (3) have painted a terrible vision of America’s future and we need to start correcting this ship before it gets worse! As always, we’re going to close out by answering your prayers from the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we’re very fast approaching the end of the year of our LAWRD, 2023. And while next week, we are going to offer our annual attempt to predict what’s going to happen next year based off of things that happened this year, we have to reflect back on the year that was. And holy crap, what a year it was! But if the year of our LAWRD 2023 can be accurately summed up in one word, that word would be nationalism. Or maybe extremism. But either way, this is a year in which those of us who support the unholy, ungodly Dark One were at their absolute worst. I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But in case you’re wondering why your MAGA friends are getting more extreme and it seems like the extremist rhetoric isn’t going away, well there’s definitely a rhyme and reason for that and it’s not something that you’re going to like hearing, is that there is a rhyme and a reason for it. But as we say around here, the cruelty is the point!





I……………. I……………………. just what the fuck? Do you know history? Do you know that nationalism has lost on literally every single war since the Crusades? You lost the Revolutionary War, you lost the Civil War, you lost World War II, what makes you think that nationalism is going to win this time around? I guess maybe because you subscribe to the same talk shows that the unholy Dark One also subscribes to? I mean how stupid can you get? Nationalism loses every single time, and authoritarianism and populism are even less popular! And we may have to do a deep dive on this in a future program but it’s the stuff of insanity!



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My fair congregation! Please be seated! We now come to the end of the year. And man what a year it was! And usually this is the spot where we take all of the news that happened this year and attempt to offer you our predictions for next year based off of this year’s news. And if that sounds too complicated for you, need I remind you that next year is an election year and there are going to be some almost certainly EVIL forces vying for control of the White House and our government, and they are on a warpath, my friends! For these are not people who air on the side of good, these are people who support the unholy, ungodly DARK ONE! I o f course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But this year has been quite the stuff of pure insanity and we don’t see it getting any better any time soon. So I’ll pick a few of my favorite stories and show where I think they are going. Personally for me one of the funniest things ever is when the holier than thou crowd attempts to downplay a major media performance with the Satanic Panic hysteria that they’re known for, and none was more prevalent than when they attacked Sam Smith at the beginning of the year, because, Satanism.





So I think next year, Satan himself will perform at the Grammys! Now throughout the year, you probably saw those annoying, super cringy, and potentially offensive “He Gets Us” series of advertisements brought to you by the CEO of Hobby Lobby. Yes, because a store known for selling signs that have cute sayings on them like “live laugh love” and other decorative knick knacks is a place that I don’t want to see to bring fanatical religious fascism to America. But those advertisements are EVERYWHERE. They’re on buses, on your internet forums, on social media… you name it. They attempt to paint our GAWD JAYSUS as a normal cool guy. But no, we see through your cult, Hobby Lobby!





Yes, y’all need JAYSUS! Or maybe you don’t. Maybe next year JAYSUS ascends down to earth and smites the unholy Dark One and all of his ungodly supporters to the fieriest pit of HELL and declares Earth the “cool kids club”. Yeah rapture this! Sounds fun, anyways! And speaking of the cool kids club, who’s not in there is Moms For Liberty. Yes, the book banning fascist thugs are coming for your school boards whether we want them to or not (easy answer: we don’t) and they want to enact a very sinister and certainly evil agenda under the guise of “protecting children”. Which so far, the number of children they’ve “protected” from something is… 0. In fact they’re making it worse.





You know I still like the idea of some good old fashioned smiting, and I’d like to start with the book banning fascists! Which brings me to my next point – if there was one word that could accurately suim up the year 2023 – we talked about this last year – that word is nationalism. And boy did Christians pile on the nationalist and fascist rhetoric this year, didn’t they? We counted at least 15 editions where we talked about so-called Christians doing and saying nationalist things, and it just got so out of hand that we just got burnt out. But make no mistake that new House speaker Mike Johnson gave us plenty of material to work with! And next year is an election year, so what could possibly go wrong?





So what do we want for these people? We want their asses handed to them in every sing le election in November next year!
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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Pray Vote Stand Recap
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My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, I hate having to keep reminding you that we live in some extremely dark times right now. And lately we’ve been talking about the terrible situations that the MAGA cult leaders have been putting us in, regarding the future of America’s children. Last week, we railed on one MAGA cult leader in particular and that’s MAGA pastor Jack Hibbs of Chino Hills, California. But this week, with the annual Pray Vote Stand conference upon us, I can’t help but wonder the direction that the Unholy Dark One’s supporters plan to take this country in. Because with people like Jack Hibbs as the future of the Dark One’s GOP, things are going to get very dark very quickly, and there may not be a lot that commoners like us can do to stop it. Because these people do not worship GAWD or JAYSUS. No, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! And his supporters really aren’t that much better, either.





Yes, the Chino Valley School Board is the devil in this picture here! And fuck these morons who are taking over our school boards and turning them into shit, by the way! But this also points out where the idea of pouring unlimited amounts of money into campaigns is not only an extremely terrible idea, but it can also go completely fuck up. Could you imagine the idea of a religious super PAC picking and choosing candidates to run for every office in the country? No way would I want these MAGA Taliban lunatics running the country.





But in case you’re wondering if the MAGAs couldn’t be any more cult like, just check out this clip of the MAGAs at the PVS summit. And not only does it feature a guest appearance from the Dark One himself, but it also features many of the Dark One’s minions like DeSantis and Ramaswamy. Those two are insane, but they do not hold a candle to the Dark One’s madness! But what do they mean when they say they are going to “protect the family”? Does that imply that they are the MAFIA? You gotta protect the family otherwise you’re gonna get the cement shoes!





Yeah can you just imagine how this is going to look to the holier than thou crowd if the Dark One shows up on the campaign trail without his 1st Lady at his side? Well of course his supporters would still fawn over him, I’m sure that many of the more bizarre female supporters of his would try to be first in line to be the new 1st Lady. And that’s a disturbing thought. But nevertheless, this is why you shouldn’t combine politics and church. For it does make for some very strange bedfellows, my fair congregation, and these are not exactly what one would call savory characters.






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[font size="8"]The Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven

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My fair congregation! We come now to the end of our service! But before we go, you know that we love to hit up the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven, which is our official prayer line. If you want to know where to hit us up, you can find us on Mastodon at holychurchoftop10 @mstdn.party. For those of you new to our fine program, the following is a free form segment where we answer your prayers and just generally shoot the breeze, and hopefully play you some clips of Christian pastors and talk show hosts saying some really bizarre stuff that they probably don’t mean, but that doesn’t mean that someone will believe the crazy things that they say! And we’re always open to your thoughts or hot takes on the religious news of the day happening in the United States and around the world. But we welcome any and all prayers and we appreciate the fans, and also welcome the haters! Don’t be afraid to hit us up, whether it’s about the news of the day or you need your answers to your ever most burning questions! Don’t forget we also offer grievance counseling, but this is a comedy show! Let’s open it up and go to the floor, shall we?

Teresa M. from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Why is Pizzagate back in the news? I thought that was proven to be a conspiracy theory and was also proven false. Why are they beating that dead horse again?”

Well, Sister Teresa, if there’s one thing that I know about the MAGA crowd, it’s that they can’t keep a good conspiracy down! No matter how much you tell them they’re wrong, no matter how much you try to prove them false, they just keep moving back the goal posts and attempting to pick a fight with you, simply because they are a bunch of schoolyard bullies who won’t take no for an answer. But to those insane weirdos who call themselves “prophets” with the aid of their GAWD Elon Musk, they just keep feeding the crazy machine!



Lucas G. from Fresno, California writes:

“Heavenly Father,

I saw your piece on Mike Johnson and his weird porn blocker. Why is it that the more devout someone is, the more they are into some really kinky shit? I would like to know the answer!”

Brother Lucas, that is a question that is as old as time! The one thing we’ve noticed in all our years of doing this program is that the more devout you are, the more likely you are to give into temptation. We witnessed this phenomenon back when that guy who we used to call vice president, Mike Pence, was second in line for the presidency behind the unholy Dark One (see: Idiots #8-15 ). But Mike Johnson is a different specimen entirely. And since we first saw him, he gets more increasingly cult like.




Anna J. from Worcester, Massachusetts writes:

Heavenly Father,

As a trans woman, I can’t help but wonder why Christians are embracing nationalism and why they have it out so much for my fellow trans and LGBT people. But why do they think they are anointed by GAWD?

Well, Sister Anna, your concerns are most certainly noted. We too here are extremely frightened at the direction that this country is heading in, and we can sum it up in three simple words: it ain’t good. But we do wonder about why those who call themselves GAWD are becoming increasingly more genocidal, and it’s really disturbing. We did fight a war about this stuff. And to see people like Mark Robinson go off the rails is definitely disturbing. American Christians, aided by that certain news network, are taking this country in a very dark direction and they must be stopped at all costs!





Thank you my fair congregation! We have come to the end of our program, and the end of our season! Thank to our staff, crew, and most importantly our viewers! We’ll be back with season 3 next year, more details on that soon! Mass has ended, may you go in peace!

Credits

Host: Pastor Initech
Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Recorded Live At: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

December 14, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-16: 2023 Year In Review Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-16: 2023 Year In Review Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Holy shit, everybody! We made it! We are here, it’s our big annual Year In Review edition! And man, what a batshit crazy, utterly insane year the year 2023 has been! And next year is a presidential election year, so it’s going to be even crazier! And our fingers can barely keep up with the insanity. We might break some keyboards or two next year. But that’s not what this end of the year celebration is about! It’s about recapping the zaniness of what happened this year. But every year we ask ourselves the same question. Well, two questions, really. The first is – how could this shit possibly get any worse? And the second is – how can you possibly squeeze a year’s worth of events and content into 10 short entries? Well we answer you – it’s impossible but we try! And this is our season finale, which means that we won’t get to cover a lot of breaking news like Kevin McCarthy resigning, or the UNLV shooting. We’ll have to save that for when we come back in January and we get to play “Catch up on stuff we missed”! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! You know last week in New York City was one of my favorite events of the year that I get to watch from afar because I don’t live in NYC, but it’s the annual gathering of drunk douchebags who dress up as Santa – the annual SantaCon! Yes, we’ve brought up SantaCon in past Year In Review editions, but this year is very different from previous years! This year the NY Transit Authority decided to simply ban public intoxication on the LIRR (that’s Long Island Rail Road for the uninitiated), so what’s a drunk Santa to do? You know, these Santas just don’t care if you’re naughty or nice, they just want to hang out and drink. It’s gonna be fun watching hundreds of drunk Santas fight for Uber rides at the end of the night! I can only imagine it’s going to go like that scene from Jingle All The Way where Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to fight all the Santas with a giant candy cane. Ha ha ha ha ha…. Like that! Classic. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the subject of crashing freight trains. What? No, the song “Runaway Train” isn’t about that. Sheesh. Moving on…



So how do we even begin to sum up the year that was? Well of course we start by dividing the entire year up into 6 2-month entries. Then we roll it up, cut it in half and sprinkle some cilantro on top. I’m kidding of course. In the number one slot this week, we dedicate it to the start of the year – January and February (1), and man did this year start off with a bang or what? There was the ridiculous Trump NFT collection, the Chinese Spy Balloon hysteria, and the MAGA toddlers in Congress acting like the spoiled children that they are during Biden’s second SOTU. In the second slot this week is the months of March – April (2). Ah, spring is in the air. Kevin McCarthy gave Tucker Carlson the January 6th footage, and that’s like giving the bank robber the keys to the vault. Meanwhile, Trump got indicted (again), and Ron DeSantis took over Disney the way that Ultron took over JARVIS in Avengers: Age Of Ultron. In the third slot this week is the months of May – June (3), it was time for Pride month, which meant time for MAGA boycotts, and hoo boy, were there some insane ones, including Bud Light, Target, Chik-Fil-A, and the list goes on! Plus Tucker Carlson got fired, and Montana reps attempted to oust a trans rep. Taking the fourth slot this week is the months of July – August (4). Ah, summer time…..and the livin’s easy….. or is it? It was the hottest summer on record! Thanks Fox News! Meanwhile, In Tennessee, the conservative majority attempted to silence Dem. representatives, and also it was the rise of the man who could actually have the possibility of bringing down Trump and giving him the Rikers Island vacation he so badly deserves, Jack Smith! Then we move onto fall, and in the fifth slot it goes to September – October (5) which saw the end of Rupert Murdoch’s time at Fox News, while Lauren Boebert gave a handjob at a performance of Beetlejuice: The Musical, and Fox inspired MAGAs are attempting to take over our nation’s school boards. Finally, we wrap up the year with November – December (6), which saw the emergence of the new House Speaker Mike Johnson, and all of his religious extremist shenanigans, while the Trump Trial Clusterfuck is reaching new and completely ridiculous heights. Whew! All caught up! In the number 7 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (7) and this week, we recap the year that was while looking ahead to next year and our annual attempt to predict what’s going to happen in the new year. And whew, we got our work cut out for us! In the number 8 slot this week is our segment . Taking the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, is a new edition of People Are Dumb (9) and this week it’s our favorite People Are Dumb as we recap the worst of the worst, the dumbest of the dumb, and the stupidest of the stupid with our annual Best Of People Are Dumb! Finally this week it’s time for Round 9 of our ongoing segment that pits Red State Governors against Blue State Governors in “My Governor Is An Idiot” and this week we’re saving the best for last as we’re pitting my home state of California’s governor Gavin Newsom against Florida’s Ron DeSantis! Plus to cap things off, we’re gonna get this post season party started with some live music from the legendary Queens Of The Stone Age! Buy their new album “In Times New Roman….” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]January - February

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So here we are, folks! How do you summarize an entire year into just six short entries? Well it is difficult but we do manage! Yes, that's what she said, thank you sir! Always got to be one in the audience! And in order to start with, we have to go back to the beginning. And man did it have quite the insane start to the year, didn’t it? But in order to do that we have to go back to the beginning and man what a beginning it was! The first place to start with was how 2022 ended and that was with one of the most insane things we have ever seen, and we had a lot of fun with this one. For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, I am of course talking about the guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump, and his ridiculous NFT collection. Yes, you can get pictures of him on a spaceship, as a cowboy, as a doctor, and as Rambo! To which we say – how the fuck does anyone take this guy seriously after this? And not only does he get taken seriously by his batshit crazy fanbase, they still want him to be president! I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my president hawking a bunch of useless NFT trading cards! And we were just informed that he’s back at it again with series 3 and this time he’s having a contest to win a piece of his suit that he wore when he got arrested. Seriously, there’s no bottom for this asshole.





And speaking of gone, we all know now the famous fight to install Kevin McCarthy as the new House Speaker after the Fox News and Infowars approved Congress took office, and it was quite the shit show that everyone expected. But it was quite the shit show, and it really just goes to show that republicans really suck at this. Which is why they need constant validation from talk show hosts 24 hours a day because they have to be told that they’re doing the right thing when in fact they’re doing the wrong thing all the time! The fight to install Kevin McCarthy as speaker was certifiably insane and it was quite the spectacular implosion.





By the way, if the year 2023 can be summed up in one word, that word is “WOKE”. We alone must have said that particular word 12,243,353,130,122 times and counting, and that’s most likely a conservative estimate. But there’s no one who embodies and embraces the fight against whatever the fuck being “woke” is more than the current reigning king of Florida Man, Ron DeSantis (Q – Woke) and he is taking his fight to the streets. Or at the very least, Disneyland, where he simply decided to take over the special district governing body of Disney World Orlando, Reedy Creek, in the same way that Ultron usurped JARVIS in Avengers: Age Of Ultron.





But while the George Santos controversy was just starting to heat up in the House (see: Idiots #14-3 ), something miraculous happened. It was one time in the entire history of social media and maybe the internet, where both sides of the internet just shut down for a brief minute, and said collectively “LET’S FIGURE IT OUT!!!!”. I’m of course talking about when that Chinese spy balloon spontaneously appeared over the skies of Montana. To which the MAGAs were like “If that appears over my house I’ll shoot it down!!”. No you won’t, you’d violate multiple laws doing that. Of course they don’t care about that sort of thing. But it was quite interesting to watch!





That’s it for January and February! Now it’s onto…



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[font size="8"]March and April: DeSantis Usurps Disney
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Ah, spring is in the air! And now that we got that nightmare of the MAGA Q controlled House Speaker clusterfuck out of the way, we can move on with our lives, right? WRONG! Because while the dust was settling from the Chinese spy balloon incident, Joe Biden jetted off to war torn Ukraine to meet with President Volodymyr Zelensky and the meeting went about how you’d expect. Meanwhile, back at home, Trump attempted to act presidential, even though he’s not, by visiting a town on the Ohio / Pennsylvania border that was the site of a devastating train crash. But what that publicity stunt and Fox News aren’t telling you is that stunt was basically designed to get ratings and that’s about it. Biden actually risks his life to go to a war zone. Trump goes to a McDonalds and throws out Big Macs much in the same way that he tossed paper towels to the victims of Puerto Rico. And yet the MAGA community fawns over that guy and accuses the other of being a Nazi. SMDH. But it was like that song “Put me in coach, I’m ready to play!”.





But the one thing we cannot deny is how much the GOP is increasingly becoming intertwined with Fox News. Fox News is literally the life blood of the GOP now. Fox News can’t function without GOP officials going on it, and the GOP can’t exist without Fox. One man who is clearly being told what to do by Fox News hosts is the governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis. And remember when Disney told Ron to piss off over his extremely controversial and borderline Nazi-esque “Don’t Say Gay” bill? Well guess what ol’ Ronnie did to retaliate? He took over Disney World’s governing body Reedy Creek much in the same way that Ultron usurped JARVIS in the movie Avengers Age Of Ultron.





Yes vengeance is his! Also at the end of March, there was that terrible shooting in Denver, Colorado where a trans student who was relentlessly bullied took it out on people with guns. Don’t do this people, because the internet conspiracy theory machine is insane and looking for this kind of crap 24 hours a day. But then in April, we got what might be one of the greatest pieces of news ever – Trump and his inner circle are finally facing sweet justice! And it even felt like a sitcom with the B cast of Trump inner circle people acting like the jackasses they are. But it was rather glorious!





Damn right they are! Oh yeah the Top 10 went to France to celebrate our 300th edition (see: Idiots #14-12 ) and covered the French riots. But then April ended with another great piece of news. Because of the legal dealings of the “we report, you decide” network, they’ve been in some hot water over the Dominion Voting Systems scandal. So what do they do? They fire some of their top hosts, and we were absolutely shocked, but not surprised that Tucker Carlson got fired. And now he’s rambling over on Elon’s TwitterX to lower ratings and racists. Sigh… another reason why we can’t have nice things, people!







No, we don’t need the Tucker reaction cam! Turn that shit off! Now it’s onto summer!


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[font size="8"]May – June: Some Batshit LGBT Boycotts
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Ahhhhhhhhhh… suuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmer time! And the livin’s easy. Yes, I look forward to that Sublime chunk every year! So if the year 2023 can be summed up in one word, that word would easily be “woke”. It’s probably been said 500 times more than any other word spoken or written this year combined! And the funny thing is that nobody can tell you exactly what it means. But before we get to the boycotts, we have to talk about how the Republicans, led in the House by Marjorie Three Names (Q – Batshit) attempted to impeach Joe Biden for no reason. Well, they did have reasons, mainly because Fox News, Alex Jones, and other far right sources kept filling their head with bile and garbage every day and they just decided to go for it. While we were celebrating the Trump verdict (see: Idiots #14-15 ) and the firing of Tucker Carlson (see: Idiots #14-14 ), there was some serious evil brewing in the MAGA Q House, and it was primed and ready to explode.





Yeah so they have no evidence, but that didn’t stop Marjorie from going on an impeachment annihilation warpath and it was quite the stuff of insanity. In fact we don’t have time to list all of them here, so we’ll just play this humorous TV scroll wheel. But the simple fact of the matter is that May and June were dominated by boycotts. And just like Marjorie Greene’s impeachment free for all, we don’t have time to list all of them here. So we’ll list all of them with this humorous TV scroll wheel. And it’s a good thing we took the entire month of June off, because I probably would have gone insane trying to cover all the madness. But the dominating boycott was easily that of Target. Over a swimsuit that was aimed at trans women. And the MAGAs absolutely lost their collective shit. In fact it was truly embarrassing the behavior coming from supposed adults over the subject. Holy crap, get yourselves together and rethink your life choices!





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! But yeah the Target boycotts were insane. There were death threats. There were stores destroyed and looted. There were managers being threatened. There were protests. And then there was this douchebag who wrote an entire song about it – that inexplicably became a hit on iTunes! Seriously, Apple, what the actual fuck? But if the Target boycott wasn’t enough, Kid Rock raised eyebrows when he shot up a 12 pack of Bud Light in protest of their partnership with Tik Tok influencer Dylan Mulvaney. Did we mention Mulvaney is a trans woman? Oh yeah we probably should have mentioned that. But this set off a firestorm of MAGA conservatives destroying Bud Light just for likes on social media. SMDH.





Yeah why are we not shocked when conservatives choose to respond to just about anything by shooting it? By the way, since Kid Rock started the Bud Light boycott, his bar in Nashville has been serving Bud Light, and Bud Light attempted to partner with UFC and the MAGAs wound up boycotting UFC because, trans derangement. But the thing is that literally NOTHING was safe from the MAGA mob during Pride Month – a month that up until 2023 had been a safe haven for the LGBT community. In fact, even last year the MAGAs were cool with it! Shit, even up to last year, they celebrated Pride Month at Mar-A-Lago. Trump golf courses, and the Trump hotel in Vegas. What made them turn? That is a mystery. We are guessing it has something to do with an internet account calling themselves libsoftiktok, which was linked to a series of bomb threats against children’s hospitals in Boston over trans health care But nothing, and we mean nothing was safe. And it’s only gonna get worse next year!





That’s it for May and June! Now onto the heat of summer – July – August where…


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[font size="8"]July – August: HOTTEST SUMMER EVER!!
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Now we’re into the heat of summer! Notice I didn’t say heart? That’s because this year, 2023, was the hottest summer on record! We did it everybody! If you did any traveling this year, you probably noticed that areas like Lake Havasu in Arizona were as dry as a bone. Note to conservatives: If you like your boats and water toys, if you want to keep using those things, stop voting for anti-environmentalists! In fact you may remember at the beginning of this season, we were touring Florida to promote our “What’s Up With Florida” docuseries, but had to abandon the end of the tour because of the destruction brought on by Hurricane Ida. We even went to New York after that, and that show had to be canceled because of another hurricane! Get used to it, because they’re not going away any time soon and they’ll continue to get worse. In fact, we did several editions of our fearmongering segment “We’re All Gonna Die” about this, and we counted at least 10 this year alone! Out of 32 editions. That’s a pretty sizeable percentage! But yeah it is getting hotter in here and it’s not just you!





Elsewhere in the news, the beginning half of the summer, the biggest hit song of the summer was undoubtedly Jason Aldean’s highly controversial hit “Try That In A Small Town”. Which was met with cheers and boos equally. In fact we had a couple of pretty lively discussions about it (see: Idiots #15-3 and Idiots #15-2 ). Considering that Jason Aldean hangs around Mar-A-Lago and has been photographed with Trump, we’re not surprised the song got pegged as highly racist. Also the hit movie of the summer was Sound Of Freedom, the Q Anon flick about child sex trafficking starring conspiracy theorist whackjob Jim Caviezel, and producers found a creative loophole to get high box office numbers.





The biggest story of the summer and probably the biggest story of the year, maybe even of the decade so far after COVID, was undoubtedly the dueling strikes of the Writers’ Guild Of America and the Screen Actors Guild, which shut down Hollywood and movie production for nearly 200 days. That is a shocking amount of time for an entire industry to be down – especially here in California, it’s the backbone of our economy. But part of the reason the strike took so long is because of the owners of streaming services and movie industry CEOs like Disney’s Bob Iger, who are grade A assholes, and the dawn of the age of artificial intelligence. Yes, AI is coming for our jobs. And no, don’t get us started about when Skynet becomes self aware and threatens to end all of humanity. Think about it – we could soon live in a world where Avengers: Age Of Ultron could actually be written by Ultron! Yeah it’s probably a bad idea to fall asleep while watching Terminator and T2: Judgement Day, or Avengers: Age Of Ultron.





Meanwhile, Elon’s attempts to fuck with Twitter’s check mark system and force white supremacy on all of us backfired spectacularly, August ended with what might be the best news of the year, and we’re not counting the last time that Trump got indicted! And the news is… Trump got his ass arrested and indicted again, and this time they’re taking a whole bunch of his inner circle down with him, including Rudy Giuliani and Roger Stone! Which of course sent the conservative media into overdrive doing some serious damage control, to which we watched and laughed our asses off the entire time! Oh yeah and this whole time, you know who didn’t get indicted? The e-mail lady. Suck it, Fox News!





That’s it for summer everybody! Now it’s time for fall!


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[font size="8"]September – October: Boebert’s Beetlejuice Handy
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Ah…… fall is in the air, and you know what that means! Leaves are changing, it’s time for the October baseball playoffs… basketball and hockey are starting. Trump was in the news again resuming his idiot rallies on a much more frequent scale, saying and doing things that might get him pegged as a dictator in the sane part of the world. But what might be one of the greatest pieces of news of the entire happened in Denver. That’s right – in the middle of September, Lauren Boebert, the representative for CO-4, you know her best as the gun tootin’ owner of a gun themed restaurant called Shooters, that was famous for giving its’ patrons bloody diarrhea thanks to their glorious lack of health inspections, was thrown out of a performance of Beetlejuice: The Musical, yeah to which we say – there was a Beetlejuice: The Musical and we weren’t informed? How dare you sir!!! But of course, despite Boebert’s repulsive behavior in public, at a theatrical performance,, the pity party on Fox News that followed made things even worse. Look we’ve been to a few live theater performances in our lifetime. We’re not at all surprised that this would have got her kicked out of the theater. Just sit down, shut the fuck up and enjoy the performance. But she might have enjoyed it just a little too much.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Day light come and me want to go home! Also in September, it was the end of a very evil empire as Rupert Murdoch finally retired from being the CEO of Fox News for what seemed like an eternity, and left the company in the hands of his son Lachlan Murdoch, who is taking the empire in a new, hard fascist turn. But speaking of Fox News, there was an absolutely insane debate that was buried in the headlines. You know Pennsylvania senator John Fetterman – and the fact that he wore a track suit on the Senate floor sparked some huge debates about what the appropriate dress code was or would be. And we of course just sat there of course like “What the fuck is happening? Don’t you guys have more important things to worry about?”. Oh silly liberals, that would require, you know, actual governing. Can’t have that on Fox News.





That’s about how we feel. Elsewhere, Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelensky visited Congress, to which the MAGA shits gave him the cold shoulder that was pretty much expected from anyone who’s not addicted to the Murdoch conspiracy theory sphere. But hey, remember the beginning of the year when the MAGAs couldn’t elect a speaker to save their lives? Well the absolute worst Congress in American history does it again when Matt Gaetz (Q – Florida Man) decides to file a motion – using the GOP’s own rules I might add, to simply fire House speaker Kevin McCarthy. And they did. And the result was truly insane. Heck of a job, MAGAs. And can Fox News get all of their reps out of Congress? This shit is just plain sad.





And while the rest of October and well the rest of the year was dominated by the absolutely horrifying news coming out of Israel and Palestine, with Hamas playing both sides for chumps. Don’t worry – we’re not touching that one here. We also found out the stunning and not at all surprising news that Trump cheats at his own golf tournaments (see: Idiots #15-11 ). We could also talk about anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist RFK Jr.’s hilariously failed attempt to run for president that basically wound up with him groveling on Newsmax and Joe Rogan all damn day! But we do have to talk about Tommy Tuberville and his stunningly evil plan to hold back thousands of military promotions, which was crippling our military in a time of global crisis. And it was all because, reasons, we still can’t figure out why. But yeah we suspect Fox News and Sean Hannity had something to do with it, but it was pure evil.





That’s it for Fall everybody! Now we’re onto the heart of winter! Almost done!


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[font size="8"]November – December: Meet Mike Johnson
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OK we’re almost done people! Now it’s time for winter. The Texas Rangers had completed their first championship in MLB history. Basketball and hockey were well underway. And the college football bowl games were being decided. But the real decision everyone should worry about happened in Congress – the dust had finally settled from the speaker coup and resulting clusterfuck. And who comes out on top in that battle? Lousiana’s Mike Johnson. To which the rest of us say “WHO?????”. Well in case you’re wondering about Mike Johnson’s qualifications – he’s hard MAGA, a 100% pure grade A religious fascist and supports the Fox News authoritarian coup 100%. Don’t believe me on that last one? He literally gave his first interview after becoming Speaker to Sean Hannity, which really makes us wonder if he’s on Murdoch’s payroll or not. I also don’t have to remind you that he gave our sister program Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons an absolute shit ton of material to work with (and if you haven’t seen that episode, check it out here ). But trust us when we say that our new Speaker not only has a few demons in his closet, he probably has some actual skeletons in there, too.





Yeah heckuva job, MAGAs! You elected a megachurch preacher as the speaker of the House, and he’s third in line for the presidency! No, we don’t want to live in a fascist theocratic authoritarian regime, thanks. We prefer freedoms. And of course, we can’t go by a week without a mass shooting in this country, because America’s right wing gun nuts simply won’t shut the fuck up about the possibility of their precious kill toys being taken away. But after some of the hateful shit we’ve seen on social media, some of these people absolutely should have their guns taken away. But the latest tragedy – this time happening outside of Bangor, Maine, is just another piece of the mass shooter puzzle – and if you guessed he’s a product of right wing brainwashing, you’re absolutely correct!





Yeah it’s been 0 days since the last mass shooting in America. And guess what? There’s another one that happened just while we were putting this thing together! At UNLV and guess what? The shooter is yet another right wing psychopath. We’ll save that for when we come back in January and play Catch Up On Stuff We Missed. We’re almost done here! November also saw the departure of that senator from West Virginia that everyone loves to hate, Joe Manchin. We also had the 2023 midterm elections and a number of stunning things happened – most notably the shocking defeat of Ohio’s controversial anti-abortion measure 1. Which we hope will translate into good things for us happening going into the 2024 election, which we can assure you is going to be the clusterfuck of the century!





Almost done! Speaking of the 2024 election, Fox News was propping its’ candidates up in a series of laughable debates that ended in a fight, and no one in that crowd is more deluded than Vivek Ramaswamy (Q – Batshit). The GOP is the party of Trump no matter how much they try to distance themselves from the monster they created. But while November ended with the sad death of one of the best first ladies of all time, Rosalynn Carter, there seemed like a dark cloud hovering over this nation. Is the GOP going full authoritarian and even Nazi-esque? Therein lies the dilemma of where our country is heading, and as we say around here – it ain’t good!





And before we get out of here – remember how this year started with people finding out what a serial liar George Santos was? You know how we always like to tie things up with a nice, neat little package when it comes to reviewing the year that was. Well, guess what? After firing former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, who has since said that he’s going to resign from Congress completely, to which we say: good, get out of here, asshole!, the MAGA Qongress did it again and decided to fire George Santos for the liar and fraudster he is. Heckuva job, Fox News! You did it! You officially created the WORST CONGRESS IN AMERICAN HISTORY!!! Bravo Sean Hannity, pat yourself on the back! Really, how does he sleep at night? And can he take Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Greene with him? Please?





There we go! That’s our 2023 year in review everybody! We did it! Phew, I need a drink!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! We now come to the end of the year. And man what a year it was! And usually this is the spot where we take all of the news that happened this year and attempt to offer you our predictions for next year based off of this year’s news. And if that sounds too complicated for you, need I remind you that next year is an election year and there are going to be some almost certainly EVIL forces vying for control of the White House and our government, and they are on a warpath, my friends! For these are not people who air on the side of good, these are people who support the unholy, ungodly DARK ONE! I o f course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But this year has been quite the stuff of pure insanity and we don’t see it getting any better any time soon. So I’ll pick a few of my favorite stories and show where I think they are going. Personally for me one of the funniest things ever is when the holier than thou crowd attempts to downplay a major media performance with the Satanic Panic hysteria that they’re known for, and none was more prevalent than when they attacked Sam Smith at the beginning of the year, because, Satanism.





So I think next year, Satan himself will perform at the Grammys! Now throughout the year, you probably saw those annoying, super cringy, and potentially offensive “He Gets Us” series of advertisements brought to you by the CEO of Hobby Lobby. Yes, because a store known for selling signs that have cute sayings on them like “live laugh love” and other decorative knick knacks is a place that I don’t want to see to bring fanatical religious fascism to America. But those advertisements are EVERYWHERE. They’re on buses, on your internet forums, on social media… you name it. They attempt to paint our GAWD JAYSUS as a normal cool guy. But no, we see through your cult, Hobby Lobby!





Yes, y’all need JAYSUS! Or maybe you don’t. Maybe next year JAYSUS ascends down to earth and smites the unholy Dark One and all of his ungodly supporters to the fieriest pit of HELL and declares Earth the “cool kids club”. Yeah rapture this! Sounds fun, anyways! And speaking of the cool kids club, who’s not in there is Moms For Liberty. Yes, the book banning fascist thugs are coming for your school boards whether we want them to or not (easy answer: we don’t) and they want to enact a very sinister and certainly evil agenda under the guise of “protecting children”. Which so far, the number of children they’ve “protected” from something is… 0. In fact they’re making it worse.





You know I still like the idea of some good old fashioned smiting, and I’d like to start with the book banning fascists! Which brings me to my next point – if there was one word that could accurately suim up the year 2023 – we talked about this last year – that word is nationalism. And boy did Christians pile on the nationalist and fascist rhetoric this year, didn’t they? We counted at least 15 editions where we talked about so-called Christians doing and saying nationalist things, and it just got so out of hand that we just got burnt out. But make no mistake that new House speaker Mike Johnson gave us plenty of material to work with! And next year is an election year, so what could possibly go wrong?





So what do we want for these people? We want their asses handed to them in every sing le election in November next year! All right, that’s it for us! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! We’re out of here for the year! We’ll see you next year! Until then, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and happy new year!

That’s it this year for:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Well this week we’re going to introduce you to a hacker collective that is looking to turn the governments of the world upside down. So the Gay Furry Hacker Collective, which we will refer to as the “GFHC” has been in the news a lot over the last year but they’re back in the news for what may be one of the most bizarre stories we’ve seen this year. Look we’re not here to kink shame, OK? That’s not what we do here. But we are here to question whether or not human – animal hybrids exist, because we do deal in conspiracy theories, damn it! So yeah when I see an article like that come up on my feed? You bet your ass I’m gonna click on it!





Yeah why does this remind me of that scene from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back? I have so many questions about this! Although one thing I’m definitely certain of is that they’re very unclear as to how the concept of genetics actually works. You can’t just create a series of catgirls with nuclear fusion. It takes hundreds of years and millions of genetic mutations to create something like that. At least that’s the way I remember it from Biology 101. But at least one thing they’re doing that is good is that they’re coming for states that have banned or even criminalized gender affirming care. Because we’re currently being held hostage by deranged conspiracy theorists in all branches of our government.





Good question! We don’t know the answer to that one. But here’s the thing – the GFHC isn’t just stopping at bizarre genetic mutations. They’re going after the big guns! And why do they think that hacking some of the world’s biggest government institutions is fun? Wouldn’t that take like some kind of Mission Impossible shit to breach? But again whatever floats your boat. And again I also say that when we see headlines like “gay furry hackers breach NATO”, you can bet your ass that we’re going to click on that shit! So yeah you can say what you want about this group but they’re doing what people are only thinking the voices on Fox and AM radio are telling them!





So you might be wondering – why are they doing this exactly? Well first off, like all bizarre things in this world, we’re not in the least bit surprised that it has Russian origins. Or that they’re appearing on Russian owned social media sites like Telegram. Well the hacker collective first came to being when Roe V Wade was overturned by the MAGA friendly SCOTUS. But one thing you’ve got to admit – is that unlike a lot of other protest groups in this country and the world, they’re actually getting some shit done. You may laugh but soon the GFHC will be coming for your state, federal and local governments demanding… something. What it is, we don’t know exactly.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. I always want to preface by saying what exactly makes up a People Are Dumb story. Someone who goes on a high speed pursuit is not a People Are Dumb story. A high speed pursuit involving a tractor and a DUI going down the 405 in the wrong direction at 1:00 AM? Now that’s a People Are Dumb story! This is our favorite People Are Dumb segment of the year because we get to go through all of them throughout the year and select our favorites. The best of the best, the stupidest of the stupid! All the best of the biggest morons, idiots, dipshits and wankers the USA and the world have to offer! I want to start with this story out of Georgia from the beginning of the year ( Idiots #14-1 ), and this might be one of the stupidest criminals of all time. If you are going to kill someone, maybe don’t Google “how to dispose of a body”. Have you not seen Dateline? Or To Catch A Predator? They’re watching that shit, yo!





Next up – this is from Idiots #14-3 and it comes out of that state that we love to mock so much, the Sunshine State, America’s penis, the state of Florida! And the reason why we mock Florida so much is that day in and day out, week after week. We even went and toured the Sunshine State to find out why they’re so crazy, but our trip got cut short because of the hurricane. But this story might be one of my favorite Florida Man stories and most definitely my favorite police nickname of the year. Here’s a pro tip for you – you should live your life in such a way that police don’t refer to you as the “pooping perpetrator”. The Pooping Perpetrators by the way, awesome band! Saw them at the Troub.





Next up – here’s another great Florida Man story that we did from one of our famous all Florida editions of People Are Dumb (see: Idiots #14-8 ) and this is one of those stories that might be where it’s probably best if you actually read the terms of service before you patronize a business. But if you go to a coffee shop that’s called “We Spy Coffee”, you should be aware that they’re probably spying on you. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re one of those businesses that has a terms of service that’s longer than the US Constitution that you’re required to agree with before you enter.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Love Archer! By the way, if you haven’t heard – the Florida Man games are actually a thing and they are happening next February, and if you haven’t seen our I Need A Drink piece on that, check out Idiots #15-12. And our final People Are Dumb story comes from Idiots #15-5 and we always say that if you’re committing a crime, maybe it’s best if you don’t draw attention to yourself. But this guy from Marion County may be one of the biggest idiots we’ve ever seen. If you’re going to go out for an evening of drinks, maybe don’t wear a shirt that might give you away that you’re drunk, which is what this guy did.





That’s it this year for:




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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot Round 9: Newsom Vs Desantis
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Welcome back to our segment where we pit red state governors against blue state governors in a battle royale! A steel cage death match! It’s the segment that was inspired by a bumper sticker – My Governor Is An Idiot! But who’s really the idiot? In the last couple of weeks, we pit Roy Cooper vs Mike DeWine, Tim Walz vs Kim Reynolds, and Andy Beshear against Kay Ivey. This week it’s the granddaddy of all gubernatorial rivals. It’s my home state of California – one of the best governors in the entire country, Gavin Newsom, against the king of Florida Men himself, Ron DeSantis! Yes, this was the subject of a recent debate on Fox News, and it was awesome to see Newsom take down DeSantis in front of his executive regional manager – Sean Hannity. So will DeSantis lose again? There’s only one way to find out, let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]DeSantis: [/font]

Ah yes, Ron DeSantis. The original Florida Man himself. He’s as crazy as the people who elect him every time. And a preview of what a fascist state in America could look like. We know everything Florida has to offer because we’ve talked about it a lot on this program. Hoo boy, where to begin with Ron DeSantis? We’ve been covering his antics since he first wormed his way into becoming the Fox News installed governor of Florida for the better part of the last 4 years now, and he’s turning Florida into an absolute shit show. How about let’s talk about the latest antics from his laughably, ridiculously failed attempt at a presidential campaign. It’s getting embarrassing now. And as we’ve been saying around here, the GOP is the party of Trump and Fox whether they want to admit it or not. And no way in hell is Desantis going to unseat Trump in 2024 for the GOP primary. But he’s really getting to his Jeb Bush “please clap” moment.





Yeah what do you want to do? You want to fight about it? And here’s a pro tip for all of you haters and MAGA lurkers out there – live your live in such a way that you’re not threatening to murder people at your next campaign stop. And we could seriously talk all day about how ridiculous this campaign is. But the other thing – the death threats and attempted murder aren’t just a one time deal. In fact they’re becoming a feature with the MAGA / America First crew. Just recently, despite his best efforts, he again threatened to murder people who cross the border, and the MAGAs just keep pushing back on what actual immigration to this country is anymore. It’s hard to keep up with their insanity.





[font size="4"]Newsom: [/font]

Gavin Newsom, the governor of the 38th state of the United States and my home state, California. If you want to know what California has to offer, we’ve literally got it all! Beaches, mountains, big cities, every professional sports team and league you could think of. We’re also home to Hollywood too, and liberals usually get a lot of crap from conservatives about being aligned with Hollywood celebrities. But we’re here to talk about Gavin Newsom, who was the original inspiration for this segment, because we see this bumper sticker on cars at least 10 times a day while stuck in those famous Los Angeles traffic jams you hear so much about. Last week, you probably saw or heard about Newsom’s epic ownage of Ron DeSantis live on Fox News in front of DeSantis’ boss, Sean Hannity. And Fox News of course attempted some good old fashioned gas lighting and trolling of the debate by saying DeSantis won. He didn’t, and we’ve got proof of that! Turn off Fox News!





But one thing we do have to talk about before we get out of here for the year, you may have heard about the Texas Supreme Court who denied a woman’s request to get an abortion and banned her from traveling out of state, and here’s the really horrible part – they did this in the middle of the night, hoping that we wouldn’t notice. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! But this is what I love about Newsom is that he’s not afraid to confront these assholes head on. And he’s had them squirming multiple times lately. So yeah if it came to Newsome and DeSantis in 2028, I know who I’m choosing and it's not the Florida guy!



https://twitter.com/GavinNewsom/status/1733533797704945770?s=20



[font size="4"]And the idiot is:[/font]

It’s easily big Ronnie, he’s the dumbest and worst governor OF ALL TIME!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

There is no next week, but we’ll be doing a couple more of these! When we come back in January, it’s round 10 – Georgia’s Brian Kemp against New York’s Kathy Hochul!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Queens Of The Stone Age[/font]

Folks, for my final guest of season 15, we have one of the GOATs! Their new album is called “In Times New Roman…”, you can see them on their last show of the tour Saturday Dec. 16th at the Kia Forum in Los Angeles! Playing their song Carnavoyeur, give it up for the one the only Queens Of The Stone Age!



Thank you so much everybody! That’s it for the Top 10 this season! We’ll be back on Thursday, January 25th , 2024 with our first edition of season 16! I want to thank my staff, my crew, my writers, all of the host venues, and all of the bands and performers who came and performed for us, and most importantly – our audience! We could not do this without our audience and fans! Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year everybody!

See you next year!

Credits

Host: Initech
Queens Of The Stone Age Appear Courtesy Of: Matador Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Constellation Room At Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

December 7, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-15: I'm Not Going To Woke Disneyland Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-15: I'm Not Going To Woke Disneyland Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Santa Ana, how you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! You know what, folks? This is our 7th year anniversary of doing this thing! Yeah how about that? No, we don’t have a big shinding planned or anything, and if you haven’t seen our 5th anniversary special, definitely check it out here. But it has been quite the wild ride since we started this thing over 7 years ago, and conservative idiocy seems to be getting that much worse. And as we said last week, we’ll keep bringing you the free funny as long as we possibly can, because we need it! But that being said, this is our final regular Top 10 of the year. Next week we call it a season then we’re out for the holidays with our big annual Year In Review edition, and trust us when we say it’s going to be a fun one! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! OK we may have to do a deep dive on this in a future edition, but did you know that last Saturday was the final KISS show ever? Yes the Knights In Satan’s Service are finally hanging up their crystal boots and face paint for good and singing “I wanna rock and roll all night” for what may be the last time ever. But they’re not done yet. Apparently they are going to have their next tour in… the metaverse! That’s right – they are becoming virtual images of themselves! Yeah thank you sir, that’s exactly the reaction I was looking for! Just a big fat “meh”. Two things – one, does anybody actually give a shit about the metaverse? And two – remember when things used to just end? And then we would move onto the next thing? It seems that people have forgotten about how endings are actually supposed to work. So yeah KISS is another one of those franchises that may never die. There’s money to be made in them there hills! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and he does a deep dive into the organ donation industry and it’s about what you would expect:



So where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot this week is George Santos (1), and here’s a pro tip for everyone, including our MAGA lurkers – live your life in such a way that you aren’t the first Congress person expelled in 162 years. Can you do that? Good! In the second slot this week, we have to bring you highlights from the Gavin Newsom – Ron DeSantis debate (2) and seeing DeSantis get destroyed while his boss Sean Hannity watches and attempted to rig the debate was an absolute thing of beauty! You really suck at this, Fox News! In the number 3 slot this week is our old buddy Tommy Tuberville (3) and this week - he finally caved on his boorish behavior regarding America's military and released holds on hundreds of promotions. Now if we could just get him fired from the Senate, that would be for the best! Taking the number 4 seed, is Moms For Liberty (4). Yes, the cofounder of the Real Housewives Of The Third Reich is in some hot water after a threesome comes back to bit them in the ass. You know, what is it with MAGA republicans and kinky sex crimes? It seems like they certainly attract a type! In the number 5 slot this week, we’re playing that hot new game that’s sweeping the nation: IS IT RACIST (5) and specifically we have to talk about Elon’s Twitter / X ad placement that’s costing him tons of ad revenue and his increasing use of white supremacist language. And you know what we always say around here is that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! Taking the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor has figured out that the year of our LAWRD 2023 can be accurately summed up in one word, and you won’t believe what that one word is! In the number 7 slot this week we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and as you know, last week, we lost one of the greatest first ladies of all time when Rosalynn Carter passed, but of course Melania had to be different at the funeral, which was causing the MAGA world to swoon over her. So for the MAGAs, we need to teach you some proper funeral etiquette, which nobody on the right displayed this week. In the number 8 slot this week is a new Conspiracy Corner, and yes, Moms For Liberty is back in the news, and they’re taking their fight against books and independent thought to a tradition that every elementary school student in the last 50 years is familiar with: The Scholastic Book Fair. Hands off our book fairs, you fascist thugs! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week it’s time for Round 8 of our never ending battle between Red State governors and Blue State governors in My Governor Is An Idiot (10) and this week it’s another Beltway Battle as we pit Ohio’s Fox News installed governor Mike DeWine against Maryland’s Wes Moore! Plus to cap things off, we have some live music from a little band I like to call, Depeche Mode! Yay!!! Buy their new album Memento Mori or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]George Santos
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We witnessed some history here last week, folks! Seriously, this is going to be one of those events where you will tell your children and grandchildren where you were when you opened your social media feeds and saw that George Santos, you know him as the gay drag queen from Brooklyn whose grandmother survived the Holocaust (and also died in it) among the thousands of other lies he’s told in the entire year, got his ass shit canned! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… holy shit, this is quite the shit and clown show that the MAGAs are running here. But when I turned on my phone and saw that Santos got fired, I just about keeled over laughing for like 30 minutes straight. The mere fact that Santos even got elected in the first place proves just how not serious the MAGAs are when it comes to running the government, and how grossly unpopular they are outside of republican themed talk shows. And I love this TPUSA flyer that I saw… George Santos got fired, yet he has a 96% approval rating with people who subscribe to TPUSA. Cultists gonna cult. But when you hear the phrase “overwhelming majority”, you know what we’re going to say around here: it ain’t good!





HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA… *holds breath* HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh man… like I said before, you ever make fun of someone so much you wish you could thank them for all the good times you’ve had? That’s kind of how I feel about this. If there’s one thing we learned from the Kevin McCarthy clusterfuck is that cults don’t like independent thought and what was left of the GOP is being replaced by deranged MAGA Qultists one election at a time. And Kevin McCarthy was ousted because of the MAGA derangement about what’s going on in Ukraine. So how bad do you have to fuck up to get fired by your own party?





Yeah let’s think about this here for a minute. The last time we had this happen in the entire history of the United States happened in 1861. If you do the math… that’s… 162 years. So not since the fucking Civil War has a member of Congress been fired by an overwhelming majority. Yeah heck of a job you’re running there, Fox News and MAGA. It’s almost like the MAGA movement attracts a type of boorish self-loathing serial liars. Thank you audience! And by the way I think it’s hilarious and also sad that Santos immediately went to Cameo. I mean who’s going to buy that? I know, right? But is this really going to set a precedent? Seriously nothing of value was lost here.





Except that he didn’t do his job, that’s why he was fired. And all he did was go on Fox News to complain about how hard governing is. Don’t worry, we’ve got the video evidence. We still have to wonder how he got elected in the first place but that’s neither here nor there. So now that Mr. Santos is no longer representing New York’s 3rd district, what’s he going to do? We can’t exactly say that he’s going to Disneyland, because Disneyland is for woke losers, or something. But one thing we can tell you is that he's going to get revenge! He’s a MAGA insider, he’s going to give us some serious dirt. Pass the popcorn and break out the lawn chairs and beer, because this gonna be good!






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[font size="8"]Gavin Newsom Vs Ron DeSantis
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You know say what you want about the governor from my home state of California and the guy who could possibly be the 47th president of the United States, Gavin Newsom. What I personally love about Gov. Newsom is that he’s not afraid to go on Fox News and tell the heavily brainwashed Fox viewer base exactly how it is. And also how it should be. But needless to say that didn’t stop Fox from not only attempting to rig the election, but to make it look like their puppet, er, guy won. But the one thing that the debate revealed was just how much Fox News has a stranglehold on the republican party. Like watching the clips, you could almost instantly tell what Desantis’ answer was going to be because Fox was trying to rig the questions for him. No, we’re not accusing Fox of rigging the debate but you know they probably had a plan for telling Desantis what to say during every question that was asked. So was it a shit show that everyone predicted it was going to be? Probably. But that said it did offer what one could call a preview of the post Biden / Trump world.





But see look herein lies the problem – this is exactly why people are afraid to debate MAGAs and republicans. They just cannot be civil about anything. Everything usually devolves into braindead conspiracy theories and childish name calling. And also let’s not forget the “facts” that have no meaning outside of people who are glued into Fox News 24 hours a day. But this might be my personal favorite part of the whole debate – is that Newsom called out Desantis’ sagging presidential campaign and his failing poll numbers – all in front of his boss Sean Hannity, with him watching! We have to say that was quite the thing of beauty!





The real thing that was crazy about this debate is what happened off the screen. What you didn’t see when the cameras were running. Because Fox News, as we all know, is the propaganda arm of the GOP, and they sell all of the GOP’s terrible and failed policies 24 hours a day. But one thing you got to give Fox is that they are very selective of who they allow on their programs, and they definitely control what they say while they are on the air. It’s almost like they’re following a script or something. And one thing that cults don’t like – particularly the Murdoch / Trump cult of personality, is that they do not like anyone that might have an independent thought. Yeah even we were shocked when Sean Hannity agreed to host this debate.





So now the question is who really won the debate? Again that entirely depends on who you watch and listen to because the answers will vary drastically. And we’re not done harping on Fox for attempting to rig this debate either. Because Fox immediately went into damage control mode after the debates had ended. And the results are well, exactly what you’d expect coming from the “We Report, You Decide” network. Actually the real slogan for Fox News should be: “You will think what we tell you to think when we tell you to think it and curse anyone who dares have an independent thought!”. Because you know critical thinking and reasoning are for losers.






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[font size="8"]Tommy Tuberville
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Hey Tommy Tuberville, you spent four months selling out the military to please your Fox News bosses and you got absolutely nothing out of it! What are you going to do to celebrate? Well, I guess for him, going to Disneyland isn’t in his celebration plans, because Disneyland is woke, or something. Yeah I can see that ad now! I'm not going to Woke Disneyland, fuck all y'all! Well the last few editions, we’ve been reporting about his absolutely evil plans to hold up military promotions because… abortion or something. I don’t know, it’s getting increasingly more difficult to keep up with their bullshit. Which really makes us wonder – how the hell did this guy not only get elected to the Senate but single handedly proceeds to completely fuck up the military as much as possible? Oh yeah he's a product of the Fox multi-level marketing firm. Yeah you watch that shit enough and go on their shows enough, you can think you’re a senator without actually having to do the work of a senator! Such is the case with our old buddy Mr. Tuberville here. And you know what else we need to do? We need to investigate Fox News’ role in this, because you know that Sean Hannity was pulling his strings through all of this. But really this whole exercise can be summed up in five words: “Do not fuck with us”. It wasn’t about Trump or anything else, it was about sending a message. And that was the message they were sending. Fox News is going full authoritarian whether we want it or not, and this will be another one of those messages.





Yeah that’s exactly what it’s like. Our country is currently being held hostage by Fox News and Sean Hannity. But here’s what is really fucked up about this whole thing is that conservatives like Tuberville just can’t help themselves to a serving of that sweet Fox News pie. Even though they talk a lot of shit about that network, they will not resist the next 200 chances to appear on Hannity or any other shitty right wing talk show host TV show or podcast. It’s their vice and their addiction. So what does Tuberville do immediately after running away with his tail between his legs? That’s right – he goes on Sean Hannity to talk about how the military is the weakest he’s ever seen it. To which he forgot to add “All thanks to me, suckers!”.





Yeah what a truly colossal asshole! Seriously, how does a stupid dumb fuck football coach with zero government experience whatsoever get elected to being the fucking senator from Alabama? Oh that’s right – he watched Fox News 24 hours a day for 15 years and they convinced him that he could run for senate and replace someone who’s actually qualified! Hey Fox, you are NOT ENTITLED TO THE GOVERNMENT! IT IS NOT YOURS! IT IS OURS. Get the fuck out now and get over yourselves! Thank you audience! But the good news is that the Senate is very quickly working to run through all the promotions that have been blocked the last several months because of this right wing propaganda bullshit.





But here’s the thing – this certainly isn’t the first time Fox News has tried to deliberately fuck with our government and it certainly won’t be the last time either. Yes, Tuberville, with the aide of Sean Hannity, held our military hostage in a time of crisis because Fox News has a sad that their bloviating orange man baby dictator isn’t in charge. Especially since there’s the conflict with Israel and Hamas, and we still can’t forget Russia and Ukraine. So while this battle was one – and we should be celebrating, the war against the Fox occupation of our government definitely isn’t over. But as we say around here, even the smallest gains like this should be considered a major victory considering what we’re up against!





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[font size="8"]Moms For Liberty
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If you’re not alarmed by the Christian nationalists getting elected to school boards with the intent of ruining your child’s education in favor of partisan political bullshit from sources like Brave Books and Prager U, then you’re not paying close enough attention. And pay attention to every race and every candidate before you vote in every election. Because you never know who’s running for some offices and they could turn out to be partisan extremists. You may even have some in your school boards and city councils right now. Case in point: Moms For Liberty. They may have lost big in the 2023 midterm elections this year, but they’re still infecting our school boards. They say that they don’t have plans to stop now. But the news that broke this week might actually stop them. And by the way, I just want to preface by saying that we are in absolutely no way, shape or form shocked by this news. In fact we probably could have seen it coming a mile away. In case you’re wondering what I am talking about, the founder of Moms For Liberty, Bridget Zeigler, was caught doing something really naughty with someone, and it just goes to show that churches are like mullets. Business in the front, party in the back! But anyway enough of my rambling, here’s more:





OK… OK… OK… OK. I have so many questions. So let me get this straight – the people who are on this absolutely psychotic warpath to remake education in the Lord’s image and to police, er, bring “morality” into the classroom because, reasons, is really a sexual deviant when the cameras are turned off and the doors are closed? I’m absolutely shocked by this! Shocked, I tell you! If only these people would admit to their shortcomings and not try to hide it, this world might be a better place. But that’s a very big “might” there. Yeah concerned parents, my ass!





Yeah why am I not surprised in the least that Florida is involved in this story? And this guy is the head of the Florida GOP too! Yes, the very same Florida GOP that elected the biggest morality crusader of them and continues to support him no matter how terrible of a politician he is, Ron DeSantis. But here’s the thing – is this really going to reshape Florida politics? Easy answer to that question: NO! Because we all know that Trump certainly attracts a type, and that type is psychotic morality crusaders who want to police morality, but they themselves are freaks between the sheets!





Yeah come on, like this is really going to change things. I just wish Moms For Liberty would get the hell out of our school boards and stay out! Nobody asked for, nobody likes, and nobody wants their bullshit, and these candidates are terrible and their ideas are terrible. The good news is that people are waking up to the dangers of groups like Moms For Liberty. The fact that they held a rally at a Trump organization with the bloviating asshole himself in attendance should raise alarms for anybody. So keep digging that hole guys. This is just one of many accusations to come!






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[font size="8"]Is It Racist?
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Hey everyone, it’s time to play that hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



Because we always say around here that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! So as you know, if you follow our social media accounts, the Top 10 has taken a temporary ban on covering anything relating to the Isreal – Palsestine conflict because it’s such a divisive issue and everything that’s coming out of Isreal – Palestine right now is absolutely horrifying. As we say around here – it ain’t good. Well of course leave it to American conservatives to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong. And one guy in particular is a guy who you know as the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and TwitterX, and guy who thinks his online friends are his real friends, Elon Musk. Yes, ol’ Muskrat as we call him around the Top 10 Home Offices, has been placing ads for companies such as Google, Microsoft, the NFL, Apple, IBM, the list goes on. Last week, we talked about how Elon was planning to sue Media Matters after they dug up some of his Nazi tweets and that’s not going well for him. And neither will this. But needless to say Elon’s in a lot of hot water over the way that ads are being placed on that site formerly known as Twitter. For the sake of this piece, why don’t we call it a “Tweet For A Twat”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…. I can totally see the Twitter logo taking a shit on Elon! So who’s jumping ship? Well it’s a very long list that only keeps getting longer and we can only hope this sends a message that playing with Nazis is not OK. But it’s a step in the right direction.





Gee, you think? And I don’t even need to get into the specifics of Elon’s suit with Media Matters because we covered that last week. And we’re very glad that the NFL is taking a stand against Elon’s madness because it’s something that just should not stand. To quote the Dude – this aggression will not stand, man! And hey remember the Damar Hamlin conspiracy from earlier this year (see: Idiots #14-2 )? Yeah the conspiracy theorist lunatics are still at it, and the theories are only getting nuttier. Seriously there’s no end to their madness and we’re glad the NFL is taking a stand against it.





So audience we ask the question: IS IT RACIST??? And the answer? Oh most definitely! But here’s the thing – you have 10 Nazis at a table and one person who isn’t a Nazi is silent, what do you have? You have 11 Nazis. Because as we always say around here, silence is compliance! Hey that rhymes! The other question on the table though – is should a company that previous had ties to Nazi Germany suddenly try to whitewash its’ past? Hey IBM! I’m looking in your direction! And yes, IBM was one of the advertisers that fled the Twitter Shitter so at least that’s a step in the right direction, I guess?





Yeah probably! Now what happens in the off chance you’re taking that chance and actually advertising your product on Elon’s Xshitter? Well social media marketing is still relevant in 2023, even though social media doesn’t have the same clout that it did in 2013, and Elon is doing his best to completely destroy one of the biggest platforms on the internet. Well Twitter/X is something that you really shouldn’t waste your company’s time or money on. It seems like the ad placement is getting a very bad reputation, and it's only getting worse. It’s basically just crap selling crap at this point.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we’re very fast approaching the end of the year of our LAWRD, 2023. And while next week, we are going to offer our annual attempt to predict what’s going to happen next year based off of things that happened this year, we have to reflect back on the year that was. And holy crap, what a year it was! But if the year of our LAWRD 2023 can be accurately summed up in one word, that word would be nationalism. Or maybe extremism. But either way, this is a year in which those of us who support the unholy, ungodly Dark One were at their absolute worst. I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But in case you’re wondering why your MAGA friends are getting more extreme and it seems like the extremist rhetoric isn’t going away, well there’s definitely a rhyme and reason for that and it’s not something that you’re going to like hearing, is that there is a rhyme and a reason for it. But as we say around here, the cruelty is the point!





I……………. I……………………. just what the fuck? Do you know history? Do you know that nationalism has lost on literally every single war since the Crusades? You lost the Revolutionary War, you lost the Civil War, you lost World War II, what makes you think that nationalism is going to win this time around? I guess maybe because you subscribe to the same talk shows that the unholy Dark One also subscribes to? I mean how stupid can you get? Nationalism loses every single time, and authoritarianism and populism are even less popular! And we may have to do a deep dive on this in a future program but it’s the stuff of insanity!





Yeah and technically speaking, I’m going to say that there’s no such thing as Nazi adjacent. If you hang out with Nazis and nationalists, guess what? You’re a Nazi! The fact that nationalism has been so prevalent in today’s society is scary. And the fact that it’s on the rise should be alarming. In fact we’ve already done tons of sermons this year about this very subject, my fair congregation! But what’s even scarier is that some prominent nationalists are running for office, and we can’t allow them to get anywhere near any position of power under any circumstances!





Oh these people have absolutely no shame! Look, we do not want to have morality brought back into the government. And judging by what these nationalists do behind closed doors when the cameras are turned off, I don’t want their version of morality being legislated! You see, Christian churches are like mullets – business in the front, party in the back! It’s literally the first line of the Bill Of Rights, which I suggest you read some time – “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion!”. It is pure evil that they want this! And we can already see how nationalism is evil, just look at Arkansas – this is not going to end well!





Do we really want these people deciding the future of education and access to information? Hell no! I can’t believe it has come to this, but if we have to defend, then we must defend! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Proper Funeral Etiquette
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You know last week, we lost one of the best first ladies of the United States of all time and an overall amazing human being, Rosalynn Carter. The wife of our 38th president and one of the best humanitarians both the country and the world has ever seen, Jimmy Carter. So here’s the thing, we’re going to offer this space as a service to MAGAs. No, we’re not going to complain that Melania was invited in the first place because those were the wishes of Mrs. Carter, that the former first ladies gather at her funeral service. But what has come out of this instead is the fact that Melania just dared to be different and wore a grey suit to the funeral instead of a black one, which had the MAGA world fawning over her like she was the queen or something. First off, this is America, we don’t do the tyrannical king thing here. Second, it’s neither the time nor the place for that sort of thing. And third, it’s a damn funeral! The only person you’re supposed to be paying attention to is the one in the casket! So of course watching the debate unfold over the last week about what one should wear to a funeral has been quite the stuff of insanity. So before we go any further, let’s break down what happened, exactly.





I know, right? And I love that they needed a Powerpoint slide show in order to prove their point like they’re analyzing the Zapruder film or something. But the mere fact that Melania attempted to be different and get eyes drawn on her really says a lot about how classless and utterly deplorable the Trumps really are. And it’s like, we are really supposed to accept these people who want to be president again after how terrible they were the first time? Again, we can’t emphasize this enough – it’s a fucking funeral. The only person who you should be paying attention to is the one who’s in the casket, and that’s it.





What’s really hilarious is that the headlines change drastically depending on what your news source of choice is. And even your news source of choice has differing opinions depending on who’s actually writing the articles! One source will have a headline like “MELANIA TAKES CATWALK AT ROSALYNN CARTER’S FUNERAL”, while another will be “Melania’s grey coat turns heads at Rosalynn C arter’s funeral”. And god, stop with the damn click bait already! If I see the words “breaking” or “exclusive” on these headlines, the next thing that’s going to be breaking is my monitor when I throw it out the window! But yeah this is one of the more hilarious and insane debates we’ve seen lately.





Now here’s the thing – we can’t say that Melania shouldn’t have been invited, because Mrs. Carter specifically said that she wanted all of the former living first ladies to gather at her service. Which they made happen. So that we have to respect. Now the question of what to wear to a funeral is something else entirely. And a state funeral is not the time or place for the MAGAs to make a political statement either, fuck off with that shit already. Even most fashion experts agree that black should be worn to a funeral. And I’m sure the one who recommends hot pink must have thought that the deceased had a warped sense of humor, at the very least.






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Look before we go any further, we have to stress that we are 10,000% vehemently opposed to the truly alarming insane book bans that are happening throughout the United States. We also want to say fuck Moms For Liberty and the MAGA Taliban. Well, this week, it was learned who’s exactly behind the book ban atrocities that are happening all over the country. And we always say that behind every evangelical measure that gets passed into law, there’s some big money evangelical firm that’s behind it. So as such, this is 100% the case here. There’s a new company out there called Brave Books, and it was started by rabid right wingers who are attempting to replace Scholastic, a very familiar children’s brand, with their twisted agenda. Here’s more.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ever notice how the people who are the quickest to bring up free speech are the ones who are the quickest to exploit it and suppress it? Yeah this seems like one of those times. And the last person I want anywhere near children is that libsoftiktok asshole, who’s made a career of doxing and harassing teachers. And now they want to write and sell books to children? Fuck right off with that shit! And in case you’re wondering who’s behind it, why it’s none other than MAGA Taliban lunatic Kirk Cameron! Yes, he has a children’s book out right now and it’s quite the stuff of insanity!





Oh Kirk Cameron, I speak with the utmost sincerity when I say this but: go fuck yourself, eat a bag of shit, and fuck right the fuck off. Just because you’re a MAGA Taliban lunatic who’s been brainwashed by a steady 24 hour a day diet of right wing brainwashing and social media conspiracy theories, does not mean that you are entitled to any sort of power over what kids think! So fuck off, douchebag. OK now that I got that off of my chest. And by the way, my friends, in case you’re wondering if this whole thing gets worse, oh yes it does! In fact some watchdog groups uncovered that the quest to get books banned often starts with this person appearing at your local schoolboard. And it is the stuff of pure fucking evil!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Yeah this is one of those conspiracies that absolutely qualifies for the “rigged conspiracy” tag! It’s a classic example of “this happened to one person so they have to ruin it for everyone else and make everyone else’s lives that much more difficult”. So we also give a big “fuck right the fuck off” award to Lanah Burkhardt and anyone who’s connected with this evil organization. And by the way we don’t expect this book banning bullshit to end any time soon and quite frankly we’re pissed off at the MAGA Taliban for doing this again and again. Because shit like this keeps happening and it keeps getting weirder. SMDH.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br] B

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that People Are People, and people are dumb! I always want to preface by saying that we always have to point out exactly what makes a People Are Dumb story. Like for example, a person robbing a McDonald’s? Not a People Are Dumb story. A person who goes ballistic and destroys a McDonalds because they ran out of chicken nuggets when there’s another McDonalds a mile down the road that has them? Now that’s a People Are Dumb story! And I also want to preface by saying that we have a new policy of omitting any names and addresses from the stories we bring you. We don’t want to be responsible for any negative attention, got it? Good! So who’s dumb this week? I want to start with this story out of Las Vegas. So if you’re going for a joyride in a Lambo down I-15 at night and you happen to be caught by the police, maybe don’t lead with the fact that you think someone might be following you, because if you’re going 135 MPH, you can be pretty sure that no one else is willfully driving that fast. Just a rule of thumb!





Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Next up – you know we love a good high speed pursuit around here. So what happens when you go on a 100MPH joyride, only to flee the cops? You have to come up with the most bullshit excuse possible. And I’m sure that the cops have heard literally every excuse there is out there, but this might be one of the most hair brained we’ve ever come across. It’s not quite as insane as the Homer Simpson “it’s my first day” defense, but it has to be way up there. But if you’re going out on a beer run and it ends with a 100 MPH run from the cops, I got news for you – your friends’ birthday party was already ruined!





Next up – of course you know we can’t get out of here without doing some stories about the craziest state in the union. Yes I am of course referring to *THAT* state. Florida. The sunshine state. The penis of America. Because Florida never fails to bring the crazy. You know we toured Florida earlier this year but had to bail because of Hurricane Ida. Anyway let’s go to this story out of Lake County, Florida where if you get in a shouting match with someone, maybe don’t use the first available thing you have at your disposal as a weapon. The only person who can rightfully do that is Jackie Chan. But really throwing Oreos at your spouse is probably the best way to get your neighbors to call the police. And that will never end particularly well.





Next up – speaking of using random things as weapons, this next story doesn’t exactly say where it happens but one thing we know for sure is that it’s in the Sunshine State. And I always love the articles where they give some very cryptic vague information. My first thought when I see stories like this is “well, obviously”. But when I see “Florida Man arrested for hitting wife with sausage”, I know that’s something that I have to know more about! And yes, you perverts, you can make all of the “that’s what she said” jokes you want. Go ahead. I’ll wait! I also love this part of the story – “Officers suspect that alcohol *MAY* haver been involved.” Well duh… you think?





Finally this week – you know it’s that time of year. Christmas time. Yeah cue the Peanuts music – Christmas time is here…. And of course with Christmas comes all of the things that are usually associated with that holiday. My favorite of which is the overly elaborate lighting displays that seem to get crazier each year with new technology. This story comes to us from the Florida town known as Plantation, and if you’re going to put up elaborate light displays every year, you might want to do that thing, called, I don’t know, paying your bills! Because if you’re committing a crime, the last thing you want to do is draw attention to yourself. And that’s what elaborate lighting displays do. So of course it doesn’t take long to put those two things together. This story also proves that even after death, one can still enter the People Are Dumb hall of fame!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot Round 8: Moore V DeWine
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Welcome back to our segment that pits red state governors against blue state governors in the battle that was inspired by a bumper sticker, My Governor Is An Idiot! See, the MAGAs always love to talk shit about governors, but that’s all they got is talk. In the last couple of weeks, we have put Kim Reynolds against Tim Walz and found out how shockingly evil Greg Abbott was against Illinois’ JB Pritzker, and we also saw Andy Beshear of Kentucky edge out a reelection victory! This week it’s another Beltway Battle as we pit Ohio’s Fox News installed governor Mike DeWine against Maryland’s democratically elected Wes Moore! Who will come out on top? Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Moore: [/font]

Wes Moore is the governor of the state of Maryland. As you know, Maryland is conveniently located above Virginia and below Pennsylvania. It’s the home to the Baltimore Orioles and the Baltimore Ravens, and also the home to the university that’s synonymous with public health, Johns Hopkins University. Maryland is also the home of one of the most famous foods in the entire country – crab cakes! But we’re here to talk about their governor Wes Moore. In case you haven’t heard of him, well, you’re not alone. Mr. Moore is not afraid to have some fun. He’s done everything from the annual Polar Bear Competition to participating in marathons. And what are some of his policies? Well mass transit is a huge issue right now, and he’s looking to expand it out of Baltimore.





You know what MAGAs? Here’s the thing – we always complain about how we can’t have nice things in this country. But you know how we get nice things like functioning governments? It’s called “electing competent people”! See, Wes Moore is a guy who is well liked in the state of Maryland, and he’s got a governing body that is also well liked and gets shit done. He doesn’t spend all of his time on Fox News complaining about how hard it is to govern. But this is what happens when you elect solid leaders, you get nice things. Like this.





[font size="4"]DeWine: [/font]

Cleveland rocks!!!! Yeah that’s my Drew Carey impression there. Now we come to Ohio, the Buckeye State. It’s located below Michigan and next to Indiana, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Kentucky. It’s also very close enough to DC that it gets called a Beltway state, even though it’s technically a Midwest state. It’s got sports like the Cleveland Browns, Cavaliers, and Guardians, and the Cincinnati Reds and the Bengals. It’s also the home to a university that tried to trademark the word “THE”. But again we’re here to talk about the governor of the Buckeye State, and that would be second termer Mike DeWine, another byproduct of the Fox Ministry Of Propaganda. As you know, Ohio has been in the news a lot because of its’ recent election and the extremely controversial Issue 1. Here’s where he stands, and it should be pretty obvious.





Of course he is. He watches Fox News 24 hours a day, so it should be pretty obvious! But the Buckeye State is in what one would refer to as a “hot mess”. And part of the reason is because nobody knows who’s really in charge! Seriously, think of how fucked up that must be! Remember earlier what I said about not getting nice things? Here’s how we get nice things taken away – we elect incompetent buffoons like this! And yes, keep listening to Fox News and AM radio and electing the idiots they prop up, you’re only hurting yourselves in the long run!





[font size="4"] And The Idiot Is: [/font]

Oh come on, it’s clearly Mike DeWine by the longest of long shots!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week it’s the finale for this segment where we’re saving the best for last – it’s my home state of California, Gavin Newsom against Florida’s off the rails insane governor Ron DeSantis!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Depeche Mode [/font]

Folks, my next guest is one of the greatest alternative rock bands of all time, they are currently near the end of their North American tour. You can see them Dec. 12th at the Forum, and Dec. 15th and 17th at Staples Center. Playing their song Ghost s Again, give it up for Depeche Mode!



Thank you Santa Ana! We’re back next week for our big annual Year In Review edition and it’s going to be a fun one! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Death Cab For Cutie Appears Courtesy Of: Atlantic Recording Corporation
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Constellation Room At Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
Depeche Mode appears courtesy of: Columbia Records, LLC
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Mastodon at: churchoftop10@mstdn.party
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

December 3, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 4: The Devil Made Me Do It

Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 4: The Devil Made Me Do It

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we have just one more episode left before we call it a season, and how are you enjoying our fine spinoff program? I know that I am! So this week we’ve got a couple of things to discuss. I hope that everyone enjoyed last week’s extended sermon about the Twisted World Of Mike Johnson, and again, I say that we have no shortage of material for future sermons! Because he is a worshipper of the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! And he is proof that the DEVIL is in the details, and that’s the theme for this week. Yes, we’re going to lighten things up and talk about how SAYTAN is influencing everything from people’s opinions on climate change to their voting habits at the ballot box! So let’s get right to it, shall we?

In the number one slot this week, we’re going to talk about a controversial study that suggests that faith dictates what people think about the climate change issue (1), and you’ll be surprised and not at all shocked by which religion takes climate change seriously the most! In the second slot, speaking of the devil, we’re going to talk about that most controversial of protest groups, Moms For Liberty (2), and their never-ending quest to support the Dark One’s unholy and pure evil agenda! In the number 3 slot, speaking of the Dark One, we’re going to lighten things up by talking about the ReAwaken America tour (3), which is an event that combines the Dark One’s politics with a religious tent revival event, and we feel like some churches should lose their tax exempt status! And as always, we’re going to close out by answering your prayers from the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven! Enjoy! And as always, don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we decided to do something a bit different for our sermon this week. We originally had a piece planned about SAYTAN but we will save that for another week. But this week, I got a ton of requests to do this one because some of my fellow brothers and sisters on the right were polled about their feelings about the environment. As we know, in the last few years, that Mother Nature herself has proven to be quite the cruel mistress and things are only getting worse, but can something be done about it? Well there’s two things we know. One is that people will start caring about the environment when it becomes profitable to do so. And the other is that worshippers of the unholy, ungodly Dark One just do not care to do a damn thing about it. I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! So here’s what we know is that churches have taken a very different, though not entirely unexpected turn in the war on climate change. And it’s not a good one either!





OK… OK there’s a lot to unpack there. But you know how we say that America’s religious aren’t just deprogrammable, but they seem to be infected with some kind of virus that makes them completely shut off reality? Well this is a perfect example of that. No matter how many times you tell them “NO” they seem to think that’s OK to do it. And you can *SHOW* them examples and literally point to them, but they will come back and say that it’s fake news. Or it didn’t happen. Like Florida is drowning in hurricanes. We just had a really terrible one this year. So what do they do? You guessed it – they prayed instead of acting on it. And that’s what we get.





Of course they don’t. Because as most of us know, there’s way too many humans on this planet. In fact we’re approaching a global population of 9 BILLION. Yes, BILLION. With a B. And just 20 years ago we were at the 7 BILLION mark. So in 20 years, the population has just exploded. And any serious long term climate change proposal is probably going to say that we need less humans on this planet, and definitely not more. So what happens when the country isn’t going to get off its’ ass any time soon because it watches a news network that shall not be named and it’s filling its’ viewers heads with bile and garbage 24 hours a day every day? Well, you take matters into your own hands, that’s’ what!





Yeah so that’s exactly what you do in those situations. You have to take matters into your own hands. So here’s what might be the most shocking part of this entire survey. In case you’re wondering if the current anti-environment backlash that’s going on is tied to the rise in white supremacy and authoritarianism happening around the globe, well guess what? It is! And I’m sure that it’s not something that JAYSUS would want now, is it? Because guess which religion is most likely to take climate change seriously out of all of them? Well it’s an answer that Rupert Murdoch and the unholy Dark One aren’t going to like!





Yes, so my friends, the unholy Dark One and his followers may be attempting to undo climate change action, but we all know the truth about this movement! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! Don’t forget episode 4 of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons premiers this Sunday at 2:00! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Who Are Moms For Liberty?
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My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know it’s not all fun and games here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10. We are in some very dark times right now, and there’s some very dark and certainly EVIL forces at work in the United States Of America. Those forces claim that they represent JAYSUS, but no they do not. Instead they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved, and so disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But some of his more vocal supporters have formed a grassroots political group. You know who they are, you might have heard about them in the news recently. They’re a group called Moms For Liberty. They not only worship the Unholy Dark One, they are evil and they have almost certainly evil intentions! They seek to do great harm to our public education system, and not counting the damage that’s been done already by those who worship the unholy Dark One. This is not what GAWD or JAYSUS would want. But the thing that I cannot stress enough is that these are evil people with an evil agenda. If they come to your city, do not walk, but run the other way! In fact you can get a feel for what kind of people these are just by looking at their social media accounts!





Yes, and that devil is most certainly Moms For Liberty! If they come to your city, don’t walk, but run the other way! These monsters are evil, they are viscious, they support the unholy Dark One, and they are motivated! They have an agenda that seeks to do more harm than good for our nation’s youth. And in case you think I’m not kidding about their support for the Dark One, well my friends, they recently held an event at one of his golf courses. In which the DEVIL himself made an appearance! Yes, they stand before LUCIFER! SAYATN himself! Oh and don’t think we won’t let him get away with supporting these crazy people!





Yeah so that’s the really fucked up thing about this group – they’re getting help. It’s time to find out who is helping them. And what are they mad at? Gender pronouns? Actually having respect for fellow human beings? Kindness and respect towards one another? Those are not the values that the “family values” crowd supports. They support hate! They support whatever the opposite of good will towards others is, and that isn’t what we want now, is it? I’m sorry, Moms For Liberty, but I do not choose to live in a religious authoritarian dictatorship! I choose freedom, thank you very much! But if they come to your local school board, you should know that they’re up to no good!





Well, Moms For Liberty is not a holy organization. They are a very, almost certainly evil sect! So basically what they’re saying is that they are going to reject any ideology that teaches kids to think for themselves and to enjoy life. They must be members of the far right, religious authoritarian cult that’s taken over half of the country! There is some good news though, is that they can be fought back against ! We found out that there’s a lawsuit pending against them. While we applaud this as great news in the war against these evil Qarens, we wonder what would happen if it were to go all the way to the Supreme Court? I mean what could possibly go wrong?






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[font size="8"]The ReAwaken America Tour
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My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know as we keep saying around here, we live in some extremely dark times right now. Our brothers and sisters on the right are increasingly flirting with the idea of bringing some hard lined fascism and authoritarianism to the United States. In fact the Dark One’s network of choice has been saying that the EVIL dictator of Hungary president Viktor Orban as the model conservative. And that’s some seriously scary shit, I don’t need to remind you that! So you might be wondering how can they be recruiting so many followers to their cause? Well that’s pretty simple – there’s a MAGA / America First friendly fair that’s been going around called the ReAwaken America tour – and not only is it basically the way too literal version of preaching to the choir, but they’re also attracting recruits. And that makes them even more dangerous. And in case you’re wondering, yes, the ReAwaken America tour started two years ago to protest mask mandates. But they’ve since evolved into something much scarier than that – a flat out merging of religion and far right politics. That is not what JAYSUS would want! That is what the unholy, ungodly Dark One wants! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But yes here is more on this subject.





Yeah most of us have already had education about the US Constitution, we certainly don’t need your crazy conspiracy theories about nuclear armageddon interspersed with it! But you know, herein lies what we’ve been talking about for the better part of the last two years now – Christian nationalism is on the rise and it isn’t going away quietly! And events like this certainly aren’t helping things. In fact when this wretched abomination of a tour comes through your town, it’s something that you should definitely avoid at all costs. Yeah it starts with protests about mask mandates and evolves into pure full blown fascism! And that’s some truly scary stuff, folks!





Uh…………….. what???? Dude, this is 2023, nobody is talking about mask mandates anymore. Hell I haven’t heard it mentioned by anyone in like a year. What planet are they living on? And also too, if you’re combining church and politics, then you should definitely lose your tax exempt status. Oh yes, my fair congregation – they not just support the unholy, ungodly, Dark One, and all of the death and destruction that he brings with him, they might as well flat out say they support SAYTAN! Because they most certainly do not support GAWD AND JAYSUS! They held one of these insane events at his unholy sanctuary in Miami!





Oh and evil they are, my friends! Because they not only support the unholy and ungodly Dark One, they support all of the bile, hatred and garbage that he speweth forth! And when you invite the sons of the Dark One, Alex Jones, Mike Lindell, and other noted personalities who worship his unholiness, you might as well burn the place to the ground. You do not worship JAYSUS at that point. You may try to worship him, but you’re worshipping the Dark One instead! Make no mistake, my fair congregation, that man and his followers are pure evil. But if you’re wondering how actual Christians are taking this ungodly tour, and not the Dark One worshippers, then rest assured, my friends, they ain’t having any of it!






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[font size="8"]The Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven
[br] [/font] [br]



My fair congregation! We come now to the end of our service! But before we go, you know that we love to hit up the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven, which is our official prayer line. If you want to know where to hit us up, you can find us on Mastodon at holychurchoftop10 @mstdn.party. For those of you new to our fine program, the following is a free form segment where we answer your prayers and just generally shoot the breeze, and hopefully play you some clips of Christian pastors and talk show hosts saying some really bizarre stuff that they probably don’t mean, but that doesn’t mean that someone will believe the crazy things that they say! And we’re always open to your thoughts or hot takes on the religious news of the day happening in the United States and around the world. But we welcome any and all prayers and we appreciate the fans. Don’t be afraid to hit us up, whether it’s about the news of the day or you need your answers to your ever most burning questions! Don’t forget we also offer grievance counseling, but this is a comedy show! Let’s open it up and go to the floor, shall we?

Wes K. from Atlanta, Georgia writes:

Heavenly Father,

Who the hell is Jack Hibbs and why do I keep seeing his name everywhere among my right wing friends?

Well, Brother Wes, as you know, our fine program is based in Southern California. And Jack Hibbs is a megachurch pastor from Chino Hills, which is a city that is a bit inland from Los Angeles. Hibbs became famous for getting members of his far right congregation to the Chino Hills School Board. We profiled this insanity way back in one of our sermons from September, and it was the subject of the first episode of season 2 of this fine program that we’re watching (if you haven’t seen it, check it out here: here. But yes, this guy is completely flat out of his mind and he’s only getting nuttier. Of course, that’s what happens when you listen to the unholy Dark One!




Christina F. from Visalia, California writes:

Heavenly Father,

Why does it seem like the people who are the loudest in the room are also the dumbest? Like how the people who claim to know the most about the Bible really don’t know anything

Well, Sister Christina, that’s a very complicated question and there’s no good or direct answers for it, but that’s a phenomenon that is very common among those who bow down and worship the unholy Dark One and all of the misery that comes with his shenanigans. Especially those who call themselves “prophets”. We’ve been trying to understand just how they refer to themselves as prophets. That is just some next level insanity that we can’t even begin to comprehend. But what’s even more insane is that people listen to the people who call themselves prophets. All of these people need professional help in the most urgent way possible.




Kevin J. from Boulder, Colorado writes:

Heavenly Father,

Why does it seem like church and state are merging? Our founding fathers meant to keep the two as separate as possible, but it seems like every day the line is becoming increasingly blurred, and that’s way too frightening to comprehend.”

Well, Brother Kevin, we certainly hear your fears and we definitely agree that you’re right to be paranoid about what the religious right is doing. But this is why it helps to actively research candidates before you cast that all important vote! In case you haven’t heard, there’s a theory out there called 7 Mountains, which is a form of dominionist religion. And we’ve covered the 7 Mountains theory a few times on this program (see: Idiots #14-8 ). It’s part of why we have these candidates who run for office with zero experience, then they get into office and they don’t know what they are doing, and we can’t get rid of them no matter how hard we try! But if you see candidates like this in your area, run. The other way, as quickly as possible!






Irene H. from Green Bay, Wisconsin writes:

Heavenly Father,

Why do Christians never take responsibility for their actions? I thought it was Jesus who said “Do unto others”.

Well, Sister Irene, that’s a very good point that you bring up. Yes, it says both in the Bible and our Good Book that you should do unto others. But it seems like our brothers and sisters on the right aren’t playing that game anymore. In fact since the Dark One ascended to the throne that he didn’t deserve to be on, it seems like the religious right has become the “fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me” crowd. And we can’t quite put our finger on it, but it seems like they’re even rejecting basic society norms now, like wearing black to a funeral. Just… what happened to this crowd, we don’t know.





That’s it this week! We’ll see you back on the 17th for more!



Thank you my fair congregation! We’ll be back on Dec. 17th with our season finale and a look back at the year that was and our annual attempt to predict what’s going to happen next year, and bring you some more tales of Youth Pastors Gone Wild! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Pastor Initech
Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon: top10conidiots@mstdn.party
Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: holychurchoftop10@mstdn.party
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo