September 30, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Well on the plus side, that's $20 million that Elon *WON'T* be spending on weed. Because he should definitely smoke less. And that's one of the few times I'll say that, too!

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week on the Top 10 - we are back at home in Hollywood and it's going to be jam packed! This week was so insane that we're going to need a recap just to go through the insanity of it all! Plus the democrats walk out of the Kavanaugh vote Animal House style, Trump's rally gets blurred, we ask how the Rush Limbaugh Show is still a thing, Elon Musk really likes weed, Lindsay Lohan auditions to be a member of ICE, and Lindsay Graham gets added to the growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. Plus our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates is going to take a look at the Sears bankruptcy - what's causing it and can we prevent another Toys R Us? (spoiler alert: no!) And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to go over some of the more ridiculous religious right justifications of Kavanaugh. And we've got a new People Are Dumb, because, well, people are dumb! And our next installment of Deep State Diaries is going to take us high in the sky as we visit the US Air Force! All this plus the National is going to join us!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays At 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

September 26, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-13: Wheel Of Corruption & The Half Blood Prince Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-13: Wheel Of Corruption & The Half Blood Prince Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Man it is good to be home! We’ve been on the road for the last couple of months and we have had an awesome time going around the country, playing to packed houses, and meeting some awesome liberal people. You guys really came through on this and I can’t wait to head back out. In the next couple of months we’re heading out to the east coast and south, though due to the hurricane we may have to retool a few of the shows we originally had planned. So do we have time for the thing? Hey, congratulations to the Cleveland Browns! They finally won a game!! I mean come on with the come on! Whew!!!! That was awesome! Maybe they can win another game next week! But can we talk about sports for a minute? Specifically I want to talk about one of my favorite sports subjects: creepy mascots. You may remember we’ve talked about it in the past when the New Orleans Pelicans unveiled that creepy baby mascot. Well, I think the Philadelphia Flyers have managed to top the Pelicans in the creepy mascot world. Can we show that?



So his name is “Gritty” and he looks like the kind of thing that would haunt your nightmares. Or maybe you’d want to snuggle up against during a warm winter fire. But really, he looks more like the Philly Fanatic mated with the weird AM PM mascot and had an awkward love child. Which really begs the question – are flaming hot Cheetos an inherited genetic trait? Hey we may never know! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first we have to play Bill Maher’s awesome new rule from last week where he dissects Trump’s narcissistic personality disorder:



Hey everybody the Wheel Of Corruption is back!!!! Yay!!!! It’s been dormant for a while since we’ve been on the road but we can’t wait to dust it off! At number one this week of course is Brett Kavanaugh (1). So yeah the possible future SCOTUS justice had a *SECOND* woman come forward against him (Ed. Note: And now a *THIRD*, but we won't be able to cover it this week), and yeah it’s a shit show. At the second slot this week is of course the guy who we still call president Donald J. Trump (2). There’s many ways we could go this week but we’re going to talk about his ridiculous golfing habits, and he’s pissed off quite a few people as you can imagine. At number 3 this week is our old buddy Alex Jones (3). So the final nail in Infowars’ coffin may have been set, with Paypal pulling the plug on the conspiracy theory website. At number 4 this week is DC based sandwich shop Taylor Gourmet (4) who you might say got “Art Of The Deal’d” after their CEO met with Trump during a business summit, or did it? Taking the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece “Top 10 Investigates” and this week we’re going to talk about data privacy. More specifically – your purchase history and whether or not it’s safe. Spoiler alert! Hell no! At number 6 is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to take on a controversial subject in the religious world – should churches be audited for LGBTQ attendance numbers? We will find out! Taking the 7th slot this week, is one of our favorite segments – “Explaining Jokes To Idiots!” where we do just that, and October is almost upon us which means Halloween costume time, and every year – same debate – do we really need the sexy (fill in the blank)? Well the answer is always yes but this year one particular costume has drawn a lot of ire and we will tell you about it. At number 8 we’ve got a new installment of “How Is This Still A Thing” and while Youtube is cracking down on hate content, one creator still has a prominent channel, so we’re going to ask “Red Ice: How Is This Still A Thing?”. And in the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we’ve got a new People Are Dumb, because, People Are Dumb! And finally this week we’ve of course got the next installment of our ongoing series “Deep State Diaries” and we’re continuing our military tour as we visit the heart and soul of America, the United States Army! Plus we’ve got some live music from the man, the myth, the legend that is Mr. Jack White! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Brett Kavanaugh
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everybody! It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. So here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Sex
- Food
- Greed
- Chance
- 5,000
- Infowars
- Nazis
- Go Directly To Jail
- Buy A Vowel
- The Trumper Games
- Lawsuits
- Whammy
- Donald Trump
- People Are Dumb
- ‘Merica!
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- A Random Tweet
- 10,000
- Community Chest
- Talk Shows
- Clip Without Context
- Something Random In The News
- Fox News
- Top 10 Investigates
- Polls
- Chance
- Nukes
- Civility
- Intermission
- Deep State Diaries
- 15,000
- Bankrupt
- Morally Bankrupt
- Golf
- The GOP
- Butter Beer
- Community Chest
- Florida (Obviously)
- This Fucking Guy
- Beating A Dead Horse
- Holy Shit
- Guacamole ($1.50 Extra)
- Harry Potter
- T-Shirt Cannon
- ? (Mystery Item)
- I Need A Drink
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Go directly to jail? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!



Spin it again! And it lands on… Morally Bankrupt! Well we currently live in morally bankrupt times, and there’s no one more morally bankrupt than the guy who we currently still call president, Donald J. Trump. That was until Trump nominated someone as morally bankrupt as he is – Brett Kavanaugh. And you know what? We need to go through the list of why Kavanaugh and Trump have a lot more in common than you would think.





Dude, Donny you do realize that this is the same day that Bill Cosby is being sentenced for multiple counts of drugged rape, right? Oh wait that’s right you’ve never been called out on abuse, except when you were repeatedly called out on abuse. So of course the GOP are going out of their way to defend this monster, and the more they do, the guiltier they look!





Ah, yes, boys will be boys. Of course if you think that, you definitely should not be parents of young girls, and you probably should not be parents of young boys, either! And of course the Christian right, in their infinite wisdom, continues to defend the most immoral and inhumane president in American history, and they’ve cooked up some crazy Kavanaugh defenses. We might have to save some of the crazier ones for next week’s Holy Shit. But here’s a good one:





Seriously if there’s no band starting tomorrow called “Satan & The Demons Of Hell”, I will have lost all faith in the internet! Getting back on topic though is it weird that they are going out of their way to justify accusations against Kavanaugh? And yeah he lost 80,000+ pages of documents but he managed to find the yearbook that proves his innocence! I mean come on!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Clip without context!



Yeah you know what Lana? Let me know when white men start getting murdered in their cars in front of their families and then we’ll talk. Until then, shut the fuck up. Spin it again! And it lands on… wait for it… golf! Remember when Trump said that he wouldn’t have time for golf? Anyone remember that? It was before the election. When we had more important things to worry about.



Yes he doesn’t have time for golf! But apparently his golfing antics have got him in quite a bit of trouble lately.





Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time the Trump administration has been sued, well, I wouldn’t be rich, but I would definitely have a few more dollars than I previously did. It’s absolutely insane what Trump’s golf outings are doing to local communities – leaving a wanton path of destruction in their wake, yeah like a hurricane. And of course speaking of golf and hurricanes, guess what Trump was concerned with after Hurricane Florence hit?





Yeah well at least he didn’t say that his was bigger. So here’s some interesting stats on Trump’s golf outings. You want to know what the average golf cart rental is? Oh yes – he uses a golf cart!





$300,000???? Shit, you could buy a whole fleet of golf carts! Hell, for $25,000 you can buy this golf cart that looks like a Rolls Royce Phantom:



Even the most expensive golf cart that I found was $73,000 – a far cry from $300K. Or he could maybe, I don’t know, walk? He’s got these things called “legs”, he should try using them every once in a while, it might do him some good. And we all know that Trump *allegedly* cheats at his favorite hobby but now it’s actually going to be in print form!






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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy stop! And it’s another clip without context!



Well he does look like he’s a walking heart attack waiting to happen. I mean his face is such an inhuman shade of red isn’t it? Let’s spin it again! Infowars. You know people it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down but considering that Alex Jones has made a career out of kicking people when they’re down, then I’m pulling the gloves off, yo! I mean come on, this is the guy who called Parkland students “crisis actors”, continues to harass the Sandy Hook survivors, and repeatedly said that every mass shooting is a false flag. Yeah, fuck you, Alex! So what happened this week?





Yeah thank you Paypal!!! But now Alex is hopping mad! I mean how’s a batshit crazy conservative rageaholic supposed to get his message out there? Why you turn to what they’ve all been doing and moving to untraceable electronic currency! And this is especially rich after Alex called Bitcoin “a Soros backdoor to a one world currency”. His words – look it up!





Yeah just… look at that article and don’t even try to comprehend how insane he is. But yeah he is completely insane. So Alex Jones once called crypto currency mining a globalist thread, but now he’s in on it! All it took was getting banned and going underground like you’re in a doomsday bunker!





Maybe not too crazy there, Weird Al. Because really, think of it as an elaborate game of “whack a troll” – the more you try to ban Alex, the more likely he will end up in unsavory places. Yeah, just think about that image for a minute. You’re welcome. I mean the more you try to ban Alex Jones, the stronger he gets, right? WRONG!!!






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[font size="8"]Taylor Gourmet
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Oh hey look it lands on the guacamole option! Come on out here, Fernando! So everybody Fernando is of course our sous chef here at the Top 10 and of course like most good chefs in LA, we found Fernando working in the back of a Burger King and decided that his talents were better put to use here. So I’ve got this nice plate of carnitas, rice and beans in front of me and now Fernando is going to prepare my tableside guacamole. Here’s your $2 Fernando. Yeah look at that!



That’s Fernando everybody! Spin it again! And it lands on… food! So over the weekend last weekend there was quite a bit of controversy when Washington, DC based sandwich shop Taylor Gourmet announced that it was going to close all of its’ shops. So what happened? Many people could say it was due to declining sales but what exactly caused it?





Well that’s horrible because all those people are going to be suddenly without jobs. So why all the uncertainty surrounding this chain? What could have caused this? Well, if you read between the lines they paint an entirely different story!






I'll take an Italian hoagie, with all the meats, no tomato or mayo, and can you hold my copy of the "Art Of The Deal" please? Yeah so the reason Taylor Gourmet is blaming its’ poor sales is because of the founder meeting with Trump. But don’t go making the comparison that he met with Obama too, I mean come on that’s not fair to Obama is it? But of course it doesn’t help that sales immediately declined a whopping 40% the day after.



https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/1600/1*PYQ7Wb00Jb10SmGI7_YQZA.gif


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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Is Your Purchase History Safe?
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… Woohoo! I win 15,000. Of something. What that 15,000 is, we’re still not clear about. Let’s spin it again! Top 10 Investigates! It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



While you weren’t looking, your purchase history may have been stolen and sold on the black market by hackers and data thieves. Their target? Only some of the world’s biggest tech vendors like Newegg and Amazon. But to start with, they hacked a Canadian based former tech giant that recently ceased all operations. They’re called Netlink Computer (NCIX), they were based in Richmond, British Columbia and they had operations in California as well. And yes, this story is absolutely insane.





Well there’s no kidding here. And this is an egregious example of what happens when companies don’t wipe their servers in the event that they go bust. If you’re not concerned yet, don’t go sounding the alarm, because really there’s no explaining this. Or why their servers wound up for sale on Craigslist with credit card numbers, serial numbers, and purchase history. Oh it’s about to get real.





So this scandal is begging the question – how long should a company keep transaction data? And when should a company destroy their records? All of this is being unraveled with the NCIX data breach and it’s definitely one of the more insane things to happen to the internet. Especially since the company has gone long bust.





Except that you might want to hold off on that one just yet. This is one of the more insane data breaches in the history of the internet. Servers with millions of credit card numbers and purchase history data don’t just wind up “missing” and then found on Craigslist. Or do they?





But here’s the thing – if you’re going bankrupt – wipe your servers before you sell them because they could end up anywhere. Even on Craigslist and you don’t want your servers to end up on Craigslist, especially if they have decades of purchase history on them. And that will end really badly for you.





There you have it. That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! And hey it’s another clip without context!



Hey Liz, I hate to break it to you but conservatives *ARE* the degenerates here! I can guarantee that if Hillary were elected that we wouldn’t be having the discussion right now about whether or not Trump’s dick looks like a certain video game character! Thank you audience! Spin it again! Hey it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of New York City, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation, you know every year it is customary for my fellow religious zealots to gather and air out their grievances in a public venue. And every year of course we make fun of them for saying some of the most batshit crazy things possible. Hell, every week we do that! It’s kind of my job don’t you know!





So if we extrapolate this, the Dark One – whose name shall not be named in my church – and his pasty faced sidekick are trying to dictate what is abuse, and abusers cannot do that. They’re just trying to change the language so they can continue to get away with human rights abuses. So, that said, can I get an amen? But that’s not what we’re here today to talk about! Now, that being said we are going to delving into some of the even crazier things said at the VVS this year! Like advocating for marriage equality is to spit in defiance at god’s face! Drama queen much?





Oh but this isn’t even the most ridiculous thing that has even been said! Apparently America, under the Dark One, has ushered in a new golden age!





But here’s my favorite thing that was said. Did you know we are at war? Yes, my congregation, and I will say this in my best Samuel L. Jackson Avengers voice! We are at war!!!! I damn thee, Satan, do not let the DAYMON forces control us with their ungodly musings!! I damn you to hell I say!!!! Praise be unto the good LAWRD!!





There you have it folks! They literally believe they are fighting a war right now! Hallelujah, and they are bringing DAYMONIC forces against us! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Explaining Jokes To Idiots: Sexy Handmaid’s Tale
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it shall we? And It lands on… wait for it… Clip without context!



Damn that freedom! Damn your so called constitution with their laws and checks and balances. Damn it to hell, I say! Spin it again! And it’s time for Explaining Jokes To Idiots!



Yes it’s the segment where we in the comedy profession have to explain jokes to idiots that they missed, because they’re idiots. Case in point: Halloween is a time for humor and practical jokes. And of course for hot women to make any Halloween costume look hot. Yes it’s the time of year when we take a look at Halloween costumes, mainly women’s, and we ask ourselves “is it really necessary to have the sexy (insert costume here)?”. The answer always is yes, but this year one costume in particular seems to be drawing the ire of the PC police.





So here’s the thing – does this encapsulate the Handmaids’ Tale or does it miss the point of the series entirely? Everyone knows that the key to comedy is timing, and this was extremely well timed with everyone making references to the novel and series during the SCOTUS debates. But this is proof that you can make anything sexy! Like the New York Times anonymous op ed!





OK maybe you can’t make that sexy. But come on it’s not like we’re living in Saudi Arabia, where the sexiest thing they can show is bare toenails, and I’m sure there’s a fetish website for that. Hey, I know what time I live in! Let sexy costumes be sexy costumes! I would like to think we’re all adults here but then again I’m reminded of who our president is. Thank you audience! And this is also not the first extremely poor taste Halloween costume that Yandy has put out.





Sure you do Herbert. See, Yandy isn’t out to care about whatever cause you have, even though their executives have admitted that yes, some of their costumes are in extremely poor taste. They’re just like any corporation out to make the most profit they can doing what they do best. But that’s the whole point of Halloween! And the more horrible taste you have, the more likely you are to win that $500 costume contest! Which is why I’m inviting Yandy to sponsor my big Halloween costume bash in Nashville on October 31st at Zanies’. Tickets still available and dress up is encouraged! So come on, Yandy! My contact information is at the very end of this thing! You know that you want to! Thank you audience, I’ll take that! And besides if you really want to scare someone this year, I’ve got the perfect costume for you!






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[font size="8"]Red Ice TV: How Is This Still A Thing
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Donald Trump!



If only, stadium banner. If only! Spin it again. Oh hey it’s time once again for:



Red Ice TV – how is this still a thing? With social media sites taking a stand and cracking down on hate content, one channel has managed to not only slip through the cracks, it continues to thrive and monetize. That channel is Red Ice – a Youtube channel by and for white nationalists. So while prominent media outlets for white supremacists like Identity Europa got the axe, others like Red Ice, still continue to exist.




Yes and Red Ice is one such Youtube channel where they continue to say some of the most racist shit imaginable and yet nothing happens to them. In fact if you want a sampling of the people who run the channel and the kind of quality racist content you can get, here’s who runs Red Ice.





Yes so that happened. But if you want to get a peek at the kind of content you’ll see regularly on Red Ice TV, look no further than hosts Lana Lokteff and Lauren Rose.





And yes that is most certainly true, especially in this case. There was also that time when Red Ice simply stopped giving a shit and went full 1488. And you never, ever go full 1488. There is simply no coming back from that.





Which is probably true. Even Iowa representative Steve King – who is known to be horrifically racist at times, is a fan of Red Ice.



Yes, boo indeed. But when asked to tone down the content of their videos, Red Ice played very loosely with Youtube’s terms of service agreement. Which involved them skirting around the rules but still manages to put out hate content and monetize off of it.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yazTT5fmjm4/UZRXGdIWVGI/AAAAAAAAALQ/MIzSICqyouU/s1600/I%27m+not+racist+but.jpg





Yes they simply don’t use Youtube to promote. They just use another social media platform to promote the hate they spew on another social media platform. That’s enough to make you ask – Red Ice TV:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… ‘Merica!!!!

&t=22s


I love that one! Spin it again! And it lands on… Oh hey People Are Dumb! Hit it!



So I’m going to start with this story out of Edmonton, and you know how crazy people are getting right now but what if you were to decide suddenly that the world was going to end? Well that's exactly what one Jehovas' Witness worshipping couple did when their truck suddenly broke down on them!




Next up - we're going to Northeast Spain. Yeah so people don’t do this – if you drink or do drugs don’t get behind the wheel of a car. And if you’re going to do every drug in the book, definitely don’t get behind the wheel of a car. Well, that’s exactly what this guy from Spain did – he literally tested positive for every drug in the book.





Next up we’re going to the town of Uranus, Missouri. Yes, I’m glad you can already see where this is headed! That’s my audience for you! So you know why your high school English teacher places an emphasis on proofreading? This is why!





Next up – we’re going to the city of Manassas, Virginia. OK people here’s the thing – there’s a time and a place for Youtube pranks. Maybe don’t destroy merchandise and inventory when you’re doing so because you could get arrested and that’s exactly what happened for this story out of Manassas, Virginia.





Next up – we go to where else but America’s most penis shaped state of Florida because no edition of “People Are Dumb” would be complete without a visit to the Sunshine State would it? Well this story has everything – and some hardcore nudity on top of that!





That one gets the mega facepalm! Finally this week for People Are Dumb – also sticking with the Sunshine State, this is probably one of the most Florida stories I’ve ever seen, and it involves a hearty dose of “Get off my lawn!”. And really – you just know the writer of this article was waiting to use the Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference. But really – don’t fuck with somebody that has a chainsaw.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 13: The US Army
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Ed. Note - we were originally going to take a tour of the Coast Guard this week but thanks to a mix up in the editing room, we were forced to reschedule that visit.

Let’s spin the wheel one final time this week! And it lands on… T-Shirt cannon!!! Everyone’s going to get the new Top 10 World Tour 2018 t-shirt! Spin it again! And hey it’s time for Deep State Diaries!



It’s time for episode 13 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The US Army[/font]


So now we come to the hear t and soul of the United States government. The US Army. Now just like last week, I want to reiterate the Top 10 policy that we will *NEVER* make fun of those on active duty or our veterans. You have our deepest respect. But we can make fun of situations cant we? Because that’s what America is all about, damn it! So what has the US Army been up to lately? Well let’s talk military funding, because you can never have rocket launchers or tanks too big.





Oh wait, we already used that one. But still… you know how it can take years to build something but seconds to destroy it? Such is the case with US Army helicopters.





Excuse me a minute… but while we’re on the subject of American defense spending, you know the mere concept of it is that we spend 10 times more on defense than the next 100 countries combined, and that’s just a conservative estimate. Just the act of buying armor for our troops is insane in this day and age.





But moving on… while the Army is in the air they are also, too, on the ground, and they need weapons and of course our tanks aren’t big enough. But it’s crazy what the US DOD does, and don’t worry, we will explore them in a future edition, even testing out new equipment is different when its’ in the Army. But you know what the future of Army communications is going to be? It’s in the palm of your hand – quite literally, I might add!





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: A+
Likely hood To Survive: A+

Overall: A+

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Continuing our journey deep within the Pentagon, our next stop on our military tour is going up in the sky as we check out the US Air Force!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Jack White[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen my next guest has a great new album called “Boarding House Reach”, you can see him live in Canada everywhere this November. Playing his song “Over And Over” give it up for the one, the only Jack White!




See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Gospel Choir, Westwood
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 22, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Hey Liz, I hate to break it to you but conservatives *ARE* the degenerates here! I can guarantee that if Hillary were elected that we wouldn’t be having the discussion right now about whether or not Trump’s dick looks like a certain video game character!

*audience applauds wildly*

This week on the Top 10 - we're back home in Hollywood with the venerable Wheel O' Corruption! This week we delve into the sex crimes alleged by Brett Kavanaugh, Rod Rosenstein *allegedly* wanted to squeal on Trump, Taylor Gourmet gets "Art Of The Deal'd", Paypal delivers the final nail in Infowars' coffin, we ask how Neo Nazi Youtube channel Red Ice is still a thing, and we explain sexy Halloween costumes to idiots. Plus in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates we're going to explore data privacy and ask is your purchase history safe? (spoiler alert! no!). And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit" our resident pastor is going to go over some of the more batshit insane things said at the annual Values Voters conference! And we've got an all new People Are Dumb, because, well, people are dumb! And the next installment of Deep State Diaries is going to take us into the Pentagon again as we explore the United States Coast Guard! Plus some live music from the great Jack White!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

September 19, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-12: Rave Un 2 The Debt Fantastic Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-12: Rave Un 2 The Debt Fantastic Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Oxnard??? So our tour around the country for the first half of season 5 is complete! We go back home next week for two weeks at our home at the UCB Theater in Hollywood, then we get to head back out on the road! We’re heading to Lexington, Nashville, Boston, Philly, Pittsburgh, and Denver among other places! So Mark Wahlberg’s daily routine is the stuff of insanity. So while you’re sleeping off an all night whisky and cheeseburger bender, Marky Mark hits the gym at 2:30 AM for an hour and a half workout sess. Then he has a half hour of prayer time, because, why not? So in the interest of time let’s skip ahead a bit. Here’s my favorite is that there’s a half an hour for “cryo chamber recovery”. He’s literally Mr. Freeze! And then some of the other things on his daily agenda include things like 2 hours a day from 11:00 – 1:00 for “family time and work calls” but what if his work calls take up all 2 hours? Or he has to sit through his kids’ elementary school recitals and I know those can take forever. But at 3:30 while you’re sitting away at your desk typing your response to your 500th e-mail about why you can’t attend the workplace training seminar, and reminder that Janice in HR don’t give a fuck, Marky Mark is already on his 3rd workout and 8th snack. Whew, I’m exhausted just telling you about this thing. Oh and then he’s in bed lights out at 7:30. Dude, whatever happened to downtime? Can we get that back? I miss those times! OK enough of the intro we got a lot of idiocy to get to but first Jim Jefferies is back and he is pointing out that your boycott is bullshit - Nike's Kaepernick ad isn't about taking a stand, it's about hawking products and making money:



Number one this week is potential SCOTUS justice Brett Kavanaugh. Yes, he is an absolute slimebag and we are going to tell you all about his dirty deeds, and no they’re not done dirt cheap. At number 2 this week is also Brett Kavanaugh and we have to talk about his sexual assault accusations, among other things. At number 3 is of course our Dear Leader Donald J. Trump (3) and we’re going to preview his emergency broadcasting system – which will take over your phones this week! At number 4 this week – is also Donald Trump. So… Stormy Daniels’ latest allegations, yeah, that definitely needs some further explanation. Taking the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates and this week we’re going to investigate Trump’s claims about the Puerto Rican death toll – is it a hoax like Trump claims or is it legitimate? At number 6 is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor has a beef with Pat Robertson and we are going to challenge his claims that you can simply pray away the hurricane. Taking the 7th slot – we’ve been getting a lot of requests for this one but we’re finally going to add California (and the OC) representative Dana Rohrabacher to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. At number 8 we’ve got a new installment of “How Is This Still A Thing?” and this week, after the latest shocking allegations, we’re going to ask – “Woody Allen’s Career – How Is This Still A Thing?”. Yeah he’s a creep! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week it’s the return of one of my favorite segments in “I Need A Drink”, and this week, we’re going to tell you about the curse of our good friend Post Malone, you know he’s had a string of bad luck lately but there might be a reason why! Finally this week we’ve got a new edition of Deep State Diaries! This week we’re headed into the Pentagon to check out the first of 5 military branches as we explore what the US Navy has been up to recently. Plus we’ve got some live music for you from one of my favorite musical acts, Gorillaz featuring the legend himself, Snoop Dogg! Really, if you don’t have their new album “The Now Now” by now, get out of my audience and go buy it. And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Brett Kavanaugh
[br] [/font] [br]

Ever hear the term “kakistocracy”? It’s a term for an insane system of government that is run by the worst, least qualified people out there. Hey let’s make an unqualfied, uber religious billionaire head of the Department Of Education. Let’s make a child rapist the new senator from Alabama. And remember that guy from the TV show where he wanted to fire everybody? Let’s make him the president of the United States! Well the kakistocracy might be expanded because Trump nominated a dangerous, Clinton hating lunatic to the Supreme Court!





Actually you know what? This needs the crying baby!

&t=10s

So what did Brett Kavanaugh do to deserve this kind of shabby treatment? Well, he’s a pig, a crook, and a liar. And that’s just for starters. You what, know for the record let’s call this piece “Brett Kavanaugh’s debt”. Ah, fuck it, it needs some sprucing up. Let’s give it a Prince reference and call it “Rave Un 2 The Debt Fantastic” because that will make it less fucking insane. And I’ve been listening to that album a lot lately. So what is in this new allegation?





So not only did he accrue a ton of debt, the question on the table is who paid it off for him? I mean if you know any accountants ask them how easy it is to make $200K in debt simply disappear. There’s no way you or I could do that. So why could he?





But now the mystery is delving further into insanity. So Kavanaugh had racked up an insane amount of debt spent on nothing more than to feed his baseball addiction. And the question remains did he have a subscription to Draft Kings or not?






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[font size="8"]Brett Kavanaugh
[br] [/font] [br]

Why is such a shady character like Kavanaugh being brought to eventually judge the highest law in the land? Well we have an equally shady character sitting pretty in the Oval Office right now. And these types definitely think alike. Remember during the campaign when all the sexual assault victims came forward against Trump? Well, think of this as same shit, different year! Because, well, assuming he gets chosen, Clarence Thomas is about to have some company on SCOTUS.





Yes holy shit indeed! See Republicans and Trump fans, we have this thing called the Constitution, and it clearly lists the qualifications for sitting on the Supreme Court. See, if you’re convicted of a crime or had any grievances listed against you, you can’t judge the highest law in the land! Oh and it gets worse, so so much worse! Remember Anita Hill from back when Clarence Thomas was confirmed? Even she’s saying the investigation is a good idea!





So of course Donald J. Trump is in full denial mode. Of course you know republican pussy grabbers like Trump always back their own, and they are in a constant state of denial. Of course one day they’ll have to answer for their crimes but still… until that happens there’s this.





Of course they’ll make a decision! The right wing wants absolute power and they’ll support any worthless asshole who will give it to them! Thank you Oxnard! But even Kavanaugh himself is in full denial mode right now. Completely false! Rigged witch hunt! Sad!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

This week we’re going to see something unprecedented. Remember that movie the Dark Knight where Bruce Wayne took over all the cell phones of Gotham and unleashed this massive surveillance ring in an effort to find the Joker? Well, it’s kind of like that except that only it’s going to be a message piece for the Trump White House. Trump will be able to use America’s cell phone towers to broadcast a text message alert. Which we can only suspect will be something along the lines of “rigged witch hunt from the 17 angry democrats! Sad!”. Well here’s more.





Oh come on, do you really want that guy sending you alerts that say “no collusion”? I know I don’t! But apparently they must be used for storm warnings. Or other emergency disasters, and I’m not talking about the disaster that we currently have serving in the White House. Thank you!





Oh come on, when has something being illegal ever stopped this administration? I mean we’re talking about the guy who went into a women’s dressing room and watched underage girls changing clothes just because he could! So what is the real reason behind this? What are they going to actually use this system for? I mean even actual security experts are worried that Trump will abuse his power!





Actually you’re probably not wrong about that one, sir. OK he can have his text messages, but for the love of god, keep him away from the Twitter direct messaging system!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]



So yeah if you woke up yesterday and turned on your phone and saw Twitter, you might have seen Mario Kart trending. You remember the game if you’re a 90s kid like I am. It’s the game where your goal was to drive as fast as possible to lap your opponent and if you didn’t, just even screwing around on the game was fun. In fact here’s a scene of the game being played.



Now here’s where it gets disturbing. It of course involves Stormy Daniels and Trump, because, why wouldn’t it? And Stormy makes a particularly disturbing revelation that makes us never want to play Mario Kart ever again.





Yes, no indeed! But come on, Nintendo’s lovable mascot doesn’t deserve this! I mean what did Toad do to deserve that comparison? All he does is travel the Mushroom Kingdom and give you things. Come on, Stormy. Seriously, don’t mess with the Toad Brigade!





Thanks Stormy, while we’re all rooting for you to take down this horrible regime currently occupying the White House, you forever ruined one of our favorite video games. I can’t even think about Mario now without picturing Toad looking like a penis. And I was playing Mario Odyssey last night. So if you’re playing Mario Kart, who should you pick now that Toad has been ruined forever?





Yeah next time you play Mario Kart, choose Princess Peach before someone else does! After all, she floats in the air! Assuming that giant hoop skirt doesn’t get in the way! But really this is one of those things that’s better left where we don’t want to know why it’s trending. Excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower after reading this.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: The (Previous) Hurricane
[br] [/font] [br]

Oxnard it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



The Puerto Rican Hurricane – Hurricane Irma – was one of the largest and deadliest in modern history, and America is working hard to prevent the same devastation by preparing for the latest hurricane, Hurricane Florence. Or are they? One person in particular is making some absolutely absurd claims about the previous hurricane that have been, well, less than truthful. That person in question also happens to be the 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.





Well as a matter of fact he is wrong. In fact investigative journalists have been working overtime since the announcement to prove the president wrong. And as a matter of fact the numbers might actually be worse than you would think. Which begs the question – did we learn anything from Irma? Answer: probably not.





In fact the president is wrong and death tolls often get worse after the hurricane hits as the numbers keep growing – many people die due to lack of resources like electricity and clean water.





Well the coffee may be the least of your problems. But as far as the current hurricane goes – there are multiple scenarios that will play out over the course of the next few months. But one thing is clear is that people are going to die. We just don’t know how many.





Yes that is the current weather report. But the take away is that the president is wrong, again, and on yet another issue. This has been Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Oxnard! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



Now my fair congregation, it seems to me that Mother Nature is not a force that one should reckon with because she can be quite the handful if she gets way too out of control! And of course in these trying times when it seems that we have one extreme weather event after another, people often turn to the LAWRD our GAWD for inspiration. Or in many cases they tend to turn to the power of prayer, and one individual has been making the news lately for just such an occasion!





But well now when you come to use that kind of method to protect your property – and why wouldn’t you, you can expect a certain amount of, shall we say backlash. But our good brother Pat is probably used to that sort of thing by now. He just don’t care.





But that didn’t stop Balrog, now, did it? And does that really work in real life? No it doesn’t and if you do believe that, I’ve got this book of fables to sell you in the lobby for $24.99! OK I don’t really have a book to sell you but still. But now we are going to cast our own “SHIELD OF PROTECTION” around our own church! Everyone, if you would join hands… it’s OK! Can we turn down the lights please? Oh LAWRD… if you may please guide our dear children of the church and protect their houses, their stuff, and their loved ones throughout this devastating hurricane. Wait, that didn’t work? Damn it!





Oh LAWRD please protect brother Pat from his own insanity! Thank you! But Pat Robertson’s claims about this hurricane are about as vile as he is! And he is the one who really needs saving!





There you have it folks! Pat once again talks out of his ass about the good LAWRD JAYSUS and thinks that he can simply pray away the hurricane! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected
[br] [/font] [br]

Politicians at the state, national and local levels who are so toxic that you ever wonder how they were able to get into office, much less stay there. This is:



This week Orange County, California representative Dana Rohrabacher. In a city next to Los Angeles, in an area known for diversity, it’s really the old white men who are calling the shots. And one of the oldest white men who continues to represent the county is Dana Rohrabacher. If you were to put up a profile shot of “Mr. Conservative”, he would probably win every time. But now in the era where Donald J. Trump is president, he’s known for something else. He’s known for being the most pro Trump, pro Russia candidate that’s ever been elected.



?itemid=7290201

So what does Congressman Rohrabacher have to do with Russia and Trump? He must be vying for that Attorney General spot in Trump’s cabinet should he eliminate Sessions – and we all know that day is coming. He’s just stalling the inevitable. But did you also know that Rohrabacher is a raging racist? Yeah we’re not surprised either.





Yes whoa indeed. That is some pretty strong words there, and an extremely horrible and outdated stereotype at that. So who is funding Mr. Rohrabacher, you might ask? Well, it turns out some very shady people. And it also might surprise you (not) that he had to return that donation.









Yes, a couple of bucks, but it came from such shady sources that Rohrabacher was ultimately forced to give it back. But with the extent of the damage that Russia did to our country in the wake of the 2016 election, is it any wonder that Rohrabacher might not win reelection?





There you have it – Rohrabacher loves Putin so much that he actually once arm wrested the Russian dictator. That’s Congressman Dana Rohrabacher – another in the growing list of:




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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing
[br] [/font] [br]

Oxnard it’s time to once again ask:



Woody Allen’s career – how is this still a thing? In the wake of the #MeToo movement which took down Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby as two of the most powerful figures in Hollywood, one man who has widely been known as a sexual deviant still has a career. Of course that is the world famous director known as Woody Allen. Woody Allen – even his name is “Woody”. Yes, that is a very immature joke to make given the subject matter. But this week some shocking new allegations have been made that would point to Woody being guilty as ever.





Uh huh sure, Mr. Allen, and we’re sure you have more than that. But this whole thing with Woody Allen isn’t going over too well with proponents of the #MeToo movement, and isn’t even going over well with most members of his own family.





And we’re sure that Woody’s nose grew just as much as Leslie Nielsen’s did. Yes, you can make your own jokes here. Go ahead. But here’s where it gets ugly – and of course it would. So maybe this is a case of this happening “too soon”? But really it’s weird and creepy to say the least.



https://the-hollywood-gossip-res.cloudinary.com/iu/s--t90verwe--/t_slideshow/cs_srgb,f_auto,fl_strip_profile.lossy,q_auto:420/v1415740237/slides/bill-cosby-memes-gone-horribly-awry_compared-to-woody-allen.jpg

Sure, Woody will apparently join Bill Cosby at some point. Maybe the two of them can share a cell together. One thing is for certain though – even with the recent allegations and family drama, it appears that Amazon has done the right thing and won’t release his latest film.





Which is apparently true. Woody Allen has been rejected everywhere, apparently. He even revealed recently that Hillary Clinton did the right thing and returned his campaign donation:





No, Woody, we won’t do that. But even Hillary Clinton rejected his donation. That’s enough to make you ask – Woody Allen’s career:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey Oxnard it’s time for one of my favorite Top 10 segments. I really need a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have a few drinks, get drunk and talk about anything in the news as long as it’s not politics. And it’s a good chaser after some of the really dark shit we talk about every week. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a haunted house? Liquid brains? What’s that? Ah fuck it, I’ll just take beer served in a beer bong. It’s been a while since I have done one of these. But why a beer bong? Because our good friend Post Malone – you know him as the singer behind the awesome album “Beerbongs And Bentleys” – has been in a bit of bad luck lately, but there may finally be a reason behind it. Where’s my beer? Thank you. But so you know what happened – Post Malone had a run in with that plane crash, then he was in a car crash. Here’s more.





Yes damn indeed! So that is some really shitty luck and we would like to extend our beerbongs to you, Mr. Malone! But here’s where it gets weird. Because of course it would! It turns out that Mr. Malone might actually be cursed, for real! Now cue the horror music!





Yeah so Post Malone might actually be cursed. That is certifiably insane. Maybe not so much that he visited a haunted mansion in Vegas but the fact that his Rolls Royce got t-boned by a Kia. Now that is horrifying sir! And we’re not done!





So is Post Malone cursed? That is the question that we need to answer. But the real question that we need to answer is are haunted houses still a thing? And why would there be one in Vegas of all places?





So Post, the next time you’re back in LA stop by the show and we’ll do some beerbongs because you definitely need to reverse that curse!






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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 12: The US Navy
[br] [/font] [br]



It’s time for episode 12 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The US Navy[/font]


Ahoy mateys! Welcome aboard! We need some music for this one!



OK so you know that our show policy now is that we will never make fun of anyone on active duty or our armed forces. But we can make fun of the situation right? I mean after all, it’s our god given first amendment right damn it! So no journey through the Deep State would be complete without paying a visit to one of the most important buildings in the United States of America – the Pentagon! And of course the Pentagon famously has 5 branches which we will all be exploring. Soon to be a sixth if we create Space Force under the Trump administration. But if you need to know what those are – they’re the Army, the Navy, the Air Force, the US Marine Corp, and the Coast Guard. Of which we will be exploring those later. But here’s what you should know what the Navy has been up to lately.





Apparently no boat is big enough for the US Navy. They need bigger boats and bigger boats! I mean what good is the USS Enterprise when the enemy already has a bigger ship waiting for them in the wings here? Yes, I do realize I almost said “shit”, sir, thank you. But what else has the Navy been up to? We have above water but what about underwater?





I really wonder if actual US Navy troops love or hate that song? Hey if you do be sure to leave it in the comments after the show. If you don’t, we’ll post the best hate mail in a future Top 10! So we’ve covered above water and underwater. But what happens when the US Navy rolls out their latest vessel? See how I used Navy speak there?





Excuse me a minute… OK moving on. So what is the take away here? The United States loves its’ boats and sea vessels, and the bigger they are the better they are! And the more firepower they can unleash on their wartime opponents! But the challenges that the US Navy faces are some of the more harder ones of the US military to face especially given the challenges of the sea.




[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: A+
Likely hood To Survive: A+

Overall: A+

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

We’re hanging out again in the Pentagon next week as we are going to explore the impact that Trump’s proposed Space Force has had on the US Air Force!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Gorillaz[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of my favorite bands of the last few years. Their latest album is called “The Now Now”. You can see them October 20th at the Demon Days Festival at the Pico Rivera Sports Arena in Pico Rivera, California. Playing their song “Hollywood”, give it up for Gorillaz!





Oxnard we love you! We’ll be back soon! This is the final stop of the first leg of our tour, I want to thank all our amazing hosts, we will be returning to our home at the UCB Theater next week. See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Levity Live, Oxnard, CA
Special Thanks To: Levity Live Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Heritage Church Band, Camarillo, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Gorillaz Appear Courtesy Of: Warner Music Group
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 16, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

So if we extrapolate this it's much easier to remove Hillary Clinton from textbooks than it is to remove Trump from the White House!

*audience applauds wildly*

This week on the Top 10 we are live from Oxnard! We play a game of "Where In The World Is Brett Kavanaugh's Debt?", Paul Manafort flips and pleads guilty, Trump denies that the death toll in Puerto Rico never happened, the NRA goes full 1488, we ask how the Nazi Salute is still a thing, and we ask about whether or not it's acceptable to use the white power OK symbol. Plus in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, we're going to take a look at the Sears retail chain and their rough financial shape - who's to blame? And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to challenge Pat Robertson's claims that he can simply pray away the hurricane. Plus we're going to debut a new segment called "Know Your Meme" and we're going to ask whether or not it's ever OK to use the white power OK symbol (hint: it isn't ever). And we have a new edition of "I Need A Drink" in which we're going to challenge Mark Wahlberg's insanely regimented daily routine. And the next installment of our ongoing series Deep State Diaries is going to take us sailing as we explore the US Navy! Plus some live music from Gorillaz!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

September 12, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-11: Pumped Up Fists Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-11: Pumped Up Fists Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up San Jose??? Can I first start by saying congratulations to the Cleveland Browns!! Yeah woooooooooo!!!! They almost won a game! But they still managed to fuck up. Hey every sport needs a team like the Browns for everyone else to make fun of. OK, back on topic. Man we’ve had a great time being out on the road but it’s great to be back in California where it all started. Of course we’re up in the Bay Area right now but eventually we’ll be headed back home before going out on the road again, and I could have been more thrilled with the way this whole thing turned out. So in case you’re wondering where we’re going next we’re headed to Lexington (yes, there are liberals in Kentucky), Boston, Philly, Nashville, Denver, San Diego, and of course London! So let me ask you guys something – have we reached peak asshole? I mean we have one sitting in the Oval Office, and we might be appointing one to SCOTUS! But really, in the last two years, Americans have really let out their inner asshole, case in point – the NFL. Yeah we will get to that whole bullshit in a minute. Yeah you know let’s take a minute and point out the insanity of this truck seen in Pennsylvania. Let’s throw that tweet up there:

https://twitter.com/mmpadellan/status/1038900097222934530

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Yeah let’s take a minute to embrace the sheer assholishness of this whole thing. Extremely poor grammar aside, the football being tied to a noose is the epitome of asshole. And the fact that he had to emphasize the word “STAND!!!!”, why couldn’t he just yell the whole phrase “STAND FOR THE ANTHEM!!!!”. Oh and by the way we can only guess where the owner of this truck was – he was probably at the bar yelling at the Steelers. Hey o! OK we have a lot of idiocy to get to this week, but first John Oliver is back and he discusses the ramifications of Florida’s voter ID laws:



Ed. Note – We are *NOT* going to be covering the horrible Botham Jean tragedy out of Dallas, making fun of that story would be beneath us, so we won’t try, and don’t ask us. Now back to the show!

Where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot this week is of course the guy who is currently running the Greatest Shit Show On Earth – Donald J Trump (1) – is Donald Trump the worst boss ever? Oh yes he is, and we’ve got plenty of stories from the last week that prove it! In the second slot this week, is of course Florida senator Marco Rubio (2), and he got in a fight outside of the Kavanaugh hearings with Alex Jones, and well, it’s insane. At number 3 this week, since we were off last week, we really didn’t get to talk about Florida gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis (3) and is he really a racist? He says no, but really, all signs point to yes. At number 4 this week is Roy Moore (4), and if you think he’s going away after that strange election last year, no! he was interviewed on the Sascha Baron Cohen show “Who Is America” and he is not having any of it. Taking the number 5 slot this week is of course our weekly investigative piece “Top 10 Investigates” and this week, we’re going to investigate a seriously bizarre claim from Elon Musk about the heroes who rescued those kids from that cave in Thailand. Just… how… who… what… why??? We’ll answer all those questions and more! At number 6 this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to tell you why religious people love Kavanaugh and recap the Dark One’s “Evangelical Night” at the White House. In the number 7 slot this week we have a new installment of “Beating A Dead Horse” and this week we’re going to take a look at Trump fan boycotts. So what happens when Nike hires former NFL superstar Colin Kaepernick as the face of their latest ad campaign? They respond in the only way that Trump fans know how: destroying property! At the number 8 slot this week we’ve got a new feature that we’re going to debut called “We’re All Gonna Die” and let’s face it, we all will at some point, but there are things that seem to speed up the inevitable and last week we had one such incident. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot we’ve got a brand new installment of “People Are Dumb” because, whew, people are dumb! Finally this week we’ve got the next installment of our ongoing series Deep State Diaries and since we could not do last week’s show, we are carrying this one over – and this week get your paint brushes, musical instruments, and scripts out as we explore the National Endowment For The Arts! And to close out, a little band from upstate New York that I like to call Coheed & Cambria. Yay!!!!! Oh the kids love Coheed don’t they? Well let’s get to it! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

In this part of the Top 10, we will ask the question “Is Donald J. Trump the worst boss of all time?” and we answer you: probably. Definitely in the horrible boss hall of fame for sure. In fact Trump is such a sociopath that it’s almost impossible to pick where to start this week. All you need to know is that he’s running the Greatest Shit Show On Earth currently. I mean come on he can’t even say the word “anonymous”!



But you know what? Since yesterday was the anniversary of 9/11, we’re going to tell you exactly what Trump thought when he woke up yesterday, and this is of course assuming he gets any sleep at all.





That’s right! He chose to remember one of the worst days in American history by reminding people of the “rigged witch hunt” and somehow declaring this to be “Patriot Day”. You know don’t we already have a Patriot Day? I believe it’s called “July 4th”? Yeah thank you audience! And in case you’re still wondering what a malignant narcissist Donald J. Trump is, just check out these pictures taken yesterday:




See, this is why Trump doesn’t get invited to funerals or state functions. Remember that Foster The People hit from a few years back called “Pumped Up Kicks”? Maybe they could rewrite it to “Pumped Up Fists”. So how is Donald J. Trump the worst boss ever? Well let us count the ways!





That’s right! Trump is such a horrible boss that his employees cant even go out and drink in public anymore! And believe me, if I worked for the Trump administration, I would be drinking a lot too, and I do mean a lot! By the way I do love this Trump tweet from last week, can we throw that up there?

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1039115242465374208

You know, Donny, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that a “fine tuned machine” wouldn’t have this many indictments and firings. Bad spark plugs! You’re fired! Get out of my car! So Trump is a horrible boss and the only thing he loves is his ass getting kissed. But what I really want to talk about is the New York Times Op Ed, which is driving him batshit fucking crazy.





And you know how this must be driving Trump crazy? Because it’s getting more views than anything he’s done lately! So… where’s Nelson when you need him?






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[font size="8"]Marco Rubio
[br] [/font] [br]

Conservatives often tend to be hateful dicks, not just on social media, but also in real life. In fact we pointed this out back in ( Idiots #5-2 about how conservatives are also afraid of getting banned for voicing their opinions of being hateful dicks. And this is 2018 for you – Trump is apparently afraid of this also, which is why he invited his favorite ass kissers Diamond and Silk to the White House and immortalized them in one of his infamous tweets.





Now if you’re trying to land a squeaky clean image, don’t look to Alex Jones, who was at the hearings and not only wasting the time of the Senate Intelligence Committee, he really showed Twitter founder Jack Dorsey and Marco Rubio who he really was.





We can only imagine it was like that! So what was being said during that little scuffle? Well, a whole lot of shit was being flung as you can imagine in the typical way that monkeys would fling their feces at each other.





Yeah go Randy go! So Rubio is the frat boy here? And he’s also a snake? Jones must be ingesting too many of his own lead filled products again. And guess what the immediate result was? He got banned for life from Twitter. Again, cue Nelson! Ha ha!





But he’s not going away! Alex is getting nuttier and nuttier by the day and I think he might have been ingesting too many of his own lead filled products.






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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey San Jose, we’re going to play a new game!



You know… you know republicans can’t seem to get a grasp on what is racist or not. And since Trump got elected, they can’t help themselves being racist. It’s almost like a sixth sense but just for those who vote for Trump and identify as republican. There’s touch, smell, sight, hearing, taste, and most people generally have a switch that tells them “hey, don’t be an asshole!”. These guys have that switched off – permanently! But then of course there is America’s favorite penis-shaped state, Florida which outdoes the rest of the country at crazy on an astronomical scale. Which is how they elected Ron DeSantis – who might be Florida’s next governor!





That’s right – Florida Man might become Florida Governor! Of course you could say that Rick Scott already is Florida Man, but Ron DeSantis takes it up a notch! You might be asking what does this have to do with racism? Well, that is a good question and I answer you with this!





Now before you boo, let’s ask the question “IS IT RACIST???”. Um… fucking a yes it is! And with 95,000 members just what kind of shit was getting posted on that board that they needed to have 52 active moderators monitoring the group at all times? That's a lot of racist memes! And I’m sure by now you’ve heard his infamous comment directed at Democratic candidate Andrew Gillium, so here it is for people who need a refresher:





Yeah that’s the perfect graphic for this story. Now you can boo! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! So what was the apology then? Why guess what! It’s even more racist than the initial statement was!






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[font size="8"]Roy Moore
[br] [/font] [br]

Sigh………………… seriously, Roy, just go away. You lost to Doug Jones back during that batshit crazy election last December that left us all exhausted when you were done. But you continue to exist and you continue to shoot yourself in the foot. His latest flap? Well, he appeared on Sacha Baron Cohen’s show “Who Is America” and was made to look like the total horse’s ass that he is. Well you know what? Let’s show the tape.



Yeah that was funny. I love Sacha Cohen and have been a huge fan of his since the early Ali G days, yes, I still have the first Ali G season on DVD. But here’s what is not funny.





Holy shit!!! $95 million??? Uh, Roy, you’re not implying you are a pedophile! You are a pedophile! I mean if you want to see how batshit crazy Roy is, Mr. Cohen is not the first person he’s sued for defamation. You want to know the number of people he’s sued over last year’s insane election? Well how much time ya got?





But that’s not the only bad court thingy that Roy has going against him! If you remember that he sued his accusers in court, and guess what? That got dropped!





So maybe Mr. Cohen doesn’t need to worry because that suit will get dropped. But the ones going against Mr. Moore’s favor are still standing!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Elon Musk Vs Cave Rescuers
[br] [/font] [br]

San Jose it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



In 2018 we have had a lot of crazy incidents but none was more horrifying than when a group of children and adults were trapped in a cave in Thailand. While the group was rescued without incident, it drew people from all over the world who offered to help. Everyone from the US Marine Corps to the Tesla Motor Corporation offered to help rescue the trapped. Unfortunately it’s the latter that is still causing problems over why his solution wasn’t the chosen one, even though it could have spelled a potential disaster:





Yes this is 2018 here, Elon, this is when things like Pizzagate and Qanon have hit the spotlight and got child rape and pedophilia in the news. By calling this man a pedophile, you are downplaying the horrible nature of these crimes. But he won’t shut up about this and in fact is doubling down:





Yes, this whole story is a giant pile of suck. Does Elon *WANT* to get sued? And in case you are wondering what Elon Musk is smoking, well, he must be either smoking some really good shit, or some really horrible shit.





Apparently, he did want to get high, and he got high on the Joe Rogan show. Which means he must have been smoking something when he launched those attacks against Mr. Unsworth. By the way he must have been violating his own company’s code of ethics, right?





So Elon might want to calm down after this latest string of incidents because not only is he costing Tesla money, he could forever jeopardize the future of Space X, and eventually any further space exploration:





There you have it, it’s almost as if Mr. Musk wants to get sued for his insane antics. This has been it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of San Jose! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation, you know we were off last week so my sermon unfortunately so I did not get to comment on this. You know we have a few rules here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 and while you don’t have to follow all of them, at least respect the rules. However, the EEEEEEEEEVIL forces currently occupying the highest office in the land don’t abide by any of these rules! And the Dark One, whose name shall not be named in my church, has violated all of them! Especially when he invited these people to visit the White House!





Now while all are welcome here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10, the one person who is not, and shall never be, is the Dark One, creator of all that is good and evil, and his name shall not be named in my church! But you know… how do these people who unwaveringly support the Dark One get any sleep at night?





Yes, even the good LAWRD JAYSUS is ashamed of his followers at times! Not all of them mind you, but let’s take a minute and extrapolate on the man who gives the Dark One his connection to GAWD, and let’s let this sink in for a minute who this guy is.





Now Pastor Jeffress, really? In one sentence you done contradicted yourself there! You say that the Good Book condemns the practices of the Dark One, but then you say that we should support the Dark One 100%! Well, which is it? Either you side with the devil, or you don’t! That’s the way it works in my church, for it says “He who is without sin shall never think twice about who he supports!”. And if you don’t believe me you can pick up a copy yourself and read it! But apparently they have sold their souls to Satan to support the Dark One!





By the way how great is our Gospel Choir? Let’s give it up for them! You know it’s absolutely staggering to me why those who claim to be on the side of good support someone who is so evil! So what does Pastor Jeffress believe in? What does he believe in?





Yes, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Does that mean you get a pussy grab for a pussy grab too, Pastor? I mean come on now! I hope that’s the take away you get from tonight’s sermon! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Trump Fan Boycotts
[br] [/font] [br]

San Jose, it’s time for another installment of:



We’ve seen time and time again since Trump took office what his fans will do when the manufacturers of their favorite products go against their political beliefs. They light that shit on fire! They drop it from buildings. They shoot it with shotguns! They send drone strikes! And you would think I’m making that last one up but hell no, there is actual video of this. Can we show that? Yeah so that happened! So now let’s play the story and see if you can guess what happened when a major product manufacturer had introduced its’ ad star, and it’s one of Fox News’ favorite punching bags at that? Well… can ya?





Oh please! Se, Rich, here’s the thing – Nike don’t care. See here’s a little secret of the big business world they don’t tell you, so I will! They already got your money! If you want to really send a message to Nike, just take that $90 that you were going to spend on their shoes and light that shit on fire directly! Now that’ll show them! But it seems that Nike is getting the last laugh!





Now here’s the question we got to ask – do boycotts work? Are they really that effective? I mean you can talk all the shit you want about Wal-Mart, but they got those low low prices and a whole warehouse full of shit! So why talk shit about companies when you’ll just go out and buy their shit anyways?





So boycotts in the modern era simply don’t work. They’re just an excuse to call attention to the problem and get whatever douchebags are for or against said products to really show their spirit! Like in the case of the aforementioned In-N-Out boycott:





No, Kaya, you see, we’re trigged into laughter here, and we’re not laughing with you, we’re laughing at you! And what a waste of plastic straws at that too! I mean come on, this whole “triggered” thing has been played out. It’s just not funny or cute anymore, you’re being wasteful and abusive. Cut that shit out, now. Wasting 24 straws in a single setting isn’t going to trigger us, all it does is make you look like a wasteful asshole. But apparently some are fighting back like Liberty University!



OK republicans, we get it! You hate him, you really hate him! And good luck getting out of that contract by the way, Jerry! Oh and how about College Of The Ozarks joining in? Oh no! not College Of The Ozarks!



Or how about the small town of Kenner, Louisiana? Oh no! not Kenner, Louisiana!






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey San Jose! It’s time for our brand new feature:



Yeah we’re all gonna die at some point, but the question is how? You know nobody wants to die but living in modern society there’s plenty of ways to speed up what will eventually be the inevitable, like walking off the edge of a building while staring at your phone, sending an online death threat, or joining a fraternity and binge drinking yourself to death, what? Too soon? What? That’s the joke you choose to go out on sir? OK fine. Well, what I’m getting at is that this week there was one incident that sent the message that we’re probably all gonna die! And an airplane, let alone a transcontinental flight, is probably the last place anyone expects to meet the Grim Reaper.





Oh calm down we’re not gonna die just yet. You know how every time a natural disaster happens there’s always some person on the inside who’s giving you the inside dirt on what’s going on on the inside? Well here’s where it gets weird. Because of course it would!





Excuse me a minute… yes, that guy was the guy who was giving us the inside dirt! Because here’s the thing you’re already in an airport with people all over the world, you put your laptops and bags voluntarily into petri dishes full of god knows what kind of germs, I am really surprised that this sort of thing doesn’t happen more often. And if you’re concerned that a plane might be the place where you’ll meet the inevitable, well, things just got worse!





And we put our laptops in these things, voluntarily, and uncovered! Just… let that sink in for a few minutes. So why does what happened at JFK not happen more often? Why aren’t people screaming about the inevitable zombie apocalypse at this point?






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey San Jose it’s time for this!



So of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And there were some gems this week. So who was stupid this week? I want to start of course with this story out of America’s most penis-shaped state of Florida. Here’s the thing. If you’re in a position where you could get arrested – whether it’s on drug possession, DUI, whatever, maybe it’s probably not the best time to crack jokes with the arresting officer.





Next up – sticking with the Sunshine State, you know there’s only two places where a drive thru window should be, either on a bank ATM or a fast food restaurant. They should never be, I don’t know, in your fucking house!!!





Once again sticking with America’s penis, this might fall under one of the worst restaurant promotions of all time. Everyone knows that monkeys are dicks (we should know, we elected one! Hey o! ), so don’t bring them to a restaurant, and don’t encourage your customers to do so!





Next up – we’re going to Beantown and the state of Massachusetts for this one. OK, OK, OK…. You know the Eagles fans and the Patriots fans hate each other. Although how great was it when Tom Brady got his ass handed to him in the last Super Bowl? Well, maybe the Patriots fans in Massachusetts would prefer to forget that ever happened, unless you happen to stop in Dunkin Donuts.





Thank you sad trombone! That would make a great Southwest ad, it writes itself! Next, we’re heading to the West Coast and the state of Washington. OK… any story where a beaver is involved you just *KNOW* is going to be met with vagina jokes, because, well, that’s what happens. Especially this way:





Excuse me a minute… Finally this week you know if you’re known for a book called “How To Murder Your Husband”, and you’re arrested for, I don’t know, murdering your husband, maybe that probably would not be the best thing for you! Because I would think that would make you the not only primary suspect, but also the most obvious one!





Oh sure it starts with texting and ends with murder! Like you do. And that was it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 11: The National Endowment For The Arts
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It’s time for episode 11 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The National Endowment For The Arts[/font]
?itok=GMputZtD

Now we will take our paint brush and paint this nice little bush here. Oh don’t worry, it will be our little secret to this painting. Oh… hello! If you think I’m not doing a piece on the arts dressed like Bob Ross, you are dead wrong sir / madam! So this week it’s going to be a fun and relaxing entry into our ongoing journey into the Deep State. No end of the world shit doom and gloom this time. We’re going deep into the deep state to talk about one of our country’s biggest institutions – the arts! And specifically the National Endowment For The Arts, the committee that helps fund, create, and promote America’s creative side. So break out those instruments, get your manuscripts read, rehearse your lines, and grab your paint brush and pallets and let’s go on a journey to explore America’s creative side. So say you’re doing a play at a local theater, how does that theater get funded?



?itemid=10480396

So even literature is an important feather in our caps. But it’s not just literature and art that get funding from this committee.





We hope that the play is better than that, sir! So what about actual arts? What about arts that require you know people who can draw and paint? Yes, they too get some funding!





You know… you know think of this entry as the pallet cleanser. We’ve had nothing but doom and gloom for 11 entries into the Deep State. So now read up and this one and delight at the tapestry of art, dance, theater, and of course, music. Before we get into some actual art consider this.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: B+
Likely hood To Survive: B+

Overall: B+

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Next week it’s the first of five parts as we will start exploring exactly what our military does as we dive deep into the US Navy!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Coheed & Cambria[/font]

I am extremely excited to have our next guest on! My next guest have a new album coming out on October 5th and recently wrapped their tour but will be going back on the road again soon. Their new album is called “Vaxis Act I: The Unheavenly Creatures” and playing their song “The Dark Sentencer”, give it up for Coheed & Cambria!




San Jose, we love you! And also special thanks to the LOL Comedy Festival, we are off to Oxnard’s amazing Levity Live venue next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: San Jose Improv, San Jose, CA
Special Thanks To: Improv Group Management
Also Special Thanks To: LOL Comedy Festival
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Triton Church Band, Santa Clara, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Coheed & Cambria Appear Courtesy Of: Roadrunner Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 8, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Before we get into the latest insane thing Trump did this week, we're going to play a game of "What's In The Background?". So... what's in the background? Wait for it...

https://twitter.com/riotwomennn/status/1037916804067278849

Yup, they respect the flag by blowing their snot into it! And that's what's in the background!

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week on the Top 10 - we are live from the San Jose Improv! We're going to play a game of *cue reverb* "WHO IS THE NEW YORK TIMES OP ED WRITER???", we play a game of "What's In The Background", Trump might be the worst boss ever, Roy Moore sues Sasha Baron Cohen, Alex Jones gets kicked off Twitter for good, we add Marco Rubio to the growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected, and we're probably all gonna die. For real this time! Plus we've got a new edition of "Beating A Dead Horse" in which we're going to show you how Trump loving conservatives are beating into the ground their undying hatred of Colin Kaepernick. OK, we get it guys, you hate him, you really hate him! And in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, we're going to find out exactly what the fuck is going on with Elon Musk and the Thai Cave Rescuers, it's quite insane. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to explore the religious side of the Kavanaugh hearings, because, JAYSUS. Plus we've got an all new edition of People Are Dumb, because people are dumb. And the next installment of our ongoing series Deep State Diaries is going to explore our creative side as we check out the National Endowment For The Arts! And speaking of the arts, some live music from Coheed & Cambria!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

September 1, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Well it's kind of like the real thing - plastic hair, no one wants to be around him, no brain present, and people just don't seem like they care to be in his presence.

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week the Top 10 is live from Seattle! We'll ask the question - is Ron DeSantis a raging racist? Spoiler alert! Yes. Also John McCain's funeral takes jabs at Trump, Joe Arpaio and Kelli Ward both lost big in the primaries, Alex Jones attempts to shadow operate Infowars as more racists are getting banned from social media, and we add Oklahoma senator James Inhofe to the growing list of people who somehow got elected. Plus we've got a new Profiles In #Civility where we're going to tell you about a Trump fan who threatened to murder journalists. And in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, we're going to find out why Trump isn't allowed to speak at public gatherings. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church of the Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to present to you a who's who of Trump's crazy evangelical night. And we've got a new People Are Dumb, because people are dumb! And finally the next chapter of our ongoing series Deep State Diaries is going to get in touch with our creative side as we explore the inner workings of the National Endowment Of The Arts! And a live performance from Scars On Broadway!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion