September 30, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11-10: Cyber Ninjas II: The Secret Of The Ooze Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11-10: Cyber Ninjas II: The Secret Of The Ooze Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo!!! What’s up Denver? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? It’s good to be back in the Mile High City! And hey since marijuana is legal here, it’s the Really High City! Am I right? OK yeah I’ll file that one. And folks need I remind you that we are only two short weeks away from the series premiere of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons! It is getting very exciting around here! Be sure to follow our Twitter account at @10Idiots and @churchoftop10 for more! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! OK so do we really need more spam? I know I sure as shit do not! I get what, 200 e-mails a day. I throw away maybe 199 of them, and there is usually a +- 1 e-mail margin of error there. So yeah fuck spam. But Texas is about to make it worse. And Texas usually makes everything worse don’t they? Yeah one guy in the back yelling “boo”! Thank you sir, I got the message. But maybe it’s not so much Texas as it is the Texas GOP . Because they passed a social media censorship bill, and we may delve into that next week. But it has an unintended side effect: you get more spam! Yay! Even more reasons not to open my inbox. The people who authored this bill can really just go fuck themselves. Either play by the rules or get out. Don’t attempt to rewrite them. Because you’ll just make things worse.



Thank you sound effects guy! Key to comedy is timing! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and I have to play what he did to get duck stamps made, because it’s freaking hilarious:



Well where do we begin this week? Well our number one entry goes to Cyber Ninjas (1)! Yes, the shady auditing firm that was running the Arizona election recount proved what we all already knew – they were completely full of shit! But that hasn’t stopped Former Guy (2) or the MAGAs – oh no! They are hopping mad! And now they’re taking the recount fight to… Texas? Why are they auditing states where they won an overwhelming majority, like Texas and Montana? Well they are batshit crazy! In the number 3 slot this week is the UN General Assembly (3), or our highlights from it. Thank god we have competent leadership back in the White House, am I right? Taking the number 4 slot this week is our old buddy Steve Bannon (4)! Did the white supremacist in chief basically admit to planning the Capitol Riots? Oh yeah he did! And his buddy Alex Jones might go down with him! In the number 5 slot this week, we have a new Top 10 Investigates (5)! China is putting the hammer down on crypto currency trading, could this mean the death of fun for blockchain bros? Yeah probably! In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, we’re doing a deep dive into the world of evangelical conspiracy theories! They’re getting extremely weird and increasingly violent – our resident pastor will take a look at the best (and worst) of them! In the number 7 slot this week we have a new segment debuting – “The Pride Files” (7) – our first ever segment dedicated to the LGBT community and taking a look at the LGBT news of the week! In the number 8 slot this week, we have a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) – after 20 years, has worship of the events of 9/11/2001 become a cult? We take a look at both sides of the issue! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink (9) and this week we’re going to have some drinks and discuss the issue of Cast Shaming – particularly with Nintendo’s new Mario Movie and some other instances of fanboys being fanboys! Finally this week in “Road To Recall” (10), we give our final thoughts on the MAGAs getting their asses beaten again and talk about how this can be prevented in the future! Plus we also have some live Rush music for you from Primus! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Cyber Ninjas
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Excuse me for a minute while I engage in a colossal gut laugh here. But here it goes! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! Wait… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Ok… ok… I’m done. This is the first laugh like this I’ve had on the show in a long ass time, but when I saw last week that the auditing firm known as the Teenage Mutant Cyber Ninjas had completed their counting of the ballots of the 2020 election, and found even more votes for Biden, all I could say was “LOSER!!!”. And they are the biggest losers of them all. Of course Former Guy is attempting to steal the 2020 election with all the same finess as the Acme branded weapons of destruction that Wiley Coyote uses to catch the Road Runner. So how did this happen and why was it allowed to happen in the first place?





Does anyone get the irony of this? The guy who’s the head of Cyber Ninjas is a MAGA conspiracy theorist and even he can’t say that Trump won Arizona! I already got the gut laugh out of my system here. But Cyber Ninjas might want to consider some rebranding. How about: Cyber Ninjas II: The Secret Of The Ooze? Or maybe Cyber Ninjas: Out Of The Shadows? Oh wait, terrible movie. But there is some bad news is that this madness is spreading to other states.





Donald Trump: Electionus Stealicus. And yeah like I said he’s attempting to steal the election with all the finesse of the Acme branded products that Wiley Coyote uses. So why does he keep doing this if it keeps backfiring on him? Well there’s no clear explanation for this. Think of it this way – the people who are actively pushing conspiracy theories may be the same people behind said conspiracy theories. It’s a really fucked up episode of Scooby Doo we’re watching. Zoiks, Scoob!





Come on, we have qualified people on our side. They have underwear models and clothing hawkers on theirs, yet they have more followers. What do we have on this thing? A Cuisinart? Seriously the other side is a clown show. They’re a fucking joke! Which is why even though they are losers in the 2020 election, we still have to deal with these dipshits. But the even worse news is that audit madness is coming to a state near you!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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If you will notice, since season 10 and 11 of the Top 10 began, in the Joe Biden era, I have not been referring to our 45th president by name. I’ve been referring to him as “Former Guy”, “Loser 45”, or my personal favorite – “The Slobfather”. But like a fly on the wall or a bad weed, we just can’t seem to get rid of this inhuman monster. So of course you know that one of the biggest Trump ass kissers is Texas governor Greg Abbott, and really with all of the problems you think would be bigger issues in Texas to fry such as their crippling power grid crisis. But instead the hill that Abbott chooses to die on is…. The 2020 election! In Texas! In a state that voted overwhelmingly in favor of the Slobfather! Just this is absolutely insane. We all know what a spectacular fail the Arizona audit was. Let’s hope that the Texas audit produces the same results!





That’s about the same reaction I have to this. I mean seriously… what questions are they asking? And who’s asking this? Alex Jones? Tucker Carlson? Any of the other right wing dipshits we hear on a daily basis? I mean Trump’s lifeline whispering sweet nothings into Sean Hannity’s ears every night has been cut off, so he needs to find a new megaphone with which to amplify his stupidity and insanity. And really he’s quite batshit insane.





I’m guessing he most likely doesn’t. Even Abbott’s offices themselves weren’t sure what to make of this latest insanity. Now you might be asking – what the fuck are they trying to accomplish with this? And I answer you, sir or madam – the answer is well… something. And they’re doing this because… reasons. I don’t really have any explanation other than that. But I am guessing it’s a bullshit fueled conspiracy that is causing this and we probably won’t hear the end of it.





Yeah definitely! So why now? Why almost a year after it was announced that Biden won and all the votes have been counted, certified, and counted again? What’s that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me, 100,000 or more times, you must be a member of the MAGA cult! And the most infuriating thing about the MAGA cult is that they fall for scammers and con artists every time. Well could it be that they elected a con artist in chief? Yes! And he continues the con!






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[font size="8"]Highlights from the UN General Assembly
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You know thank god we have competent leadership back in the White House. This week marked the return of the United Nations General Assembly. Now if you don’t know what this is, it’s basically a meeting where the leaders of the free world can meet and basically air their grievances or introduce new ideas to the world. You might have seen this at the end of the Marvel flick Black Panther. Well the UN general assembly is exactly like that. But of course while the world may be much freer than it was decades ago, is it really? Especially when everyone has a problem child. That problem child happens to be North Korea. Which of course as you know is run by a criminally insane mad man with access to nuclear weapons and has the entire world afraid of him. Oh wait, that’s Trump. And… wait, that’s also Trump. But that said here’s what the world’s problem child is up to.





God I love that movie! So what else happened during this meeting? Well North Korea isn’t our only problem child in the world because there’s also Afghanistan and Myanmar – both of which are at the beginning of what will possibly be a very long and painful Civil War. But we definitely don’t want our far right terrorists to get any ideas from those guys. But it’s still pretty troubling that neither country made an appearance this year.





Yeah that’s pretty much what it’s like there. But at least with a competent president at the helm, we get a speech like this. Could you just imagine Trump at this forum? I mean of course if he’s even invited? He would accuse half of the room of being losers and then talking about building walls and rage tweeting on the toilet. But enough about that asshole. The thing is we’ve got a lot to do if we’re going to get this planet back on track so the next several generations can enjoy it.





Excuse me a minute… damn I love that movie! But you know what the biggest highlight of the 2021 UN General Assembly was? It wasn’t Biden, or COVID, or civil war, or any of the other horrifying things facing our planet. It was Korean boy band BTS. That’s right – the insanely popular Korean group that gets 1,000,000,000 hits on social media if one of the group members breathes, was the big hit at this year’s assembly. Seriously, they’ll take over the whole world at this rate!






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[font size="8"]Steve Bannon and Alex Jones
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It's been 267 days since the attempted coup and attack on the US Capitol and every day I am asking the same damn question – why the hell haven’t Alex Jones and Steve Bannon been hauled before the Congressional committee to answer for their crimes? And look you can point out that the Former Guy pardoned Bannon for some of his crimes, but he didn’t pardon Bannon for any new ones he might have committed during his administration. And don’t think we’re letting Alex Jones off the hook either. No, both of these scumbags are knee deep in their own conspiracy theories and while the shit hasn’t quite hit the fan yet, it definitely will. I hope. So of course the representatives of the former administration are trying to keep their involvement in the events of that horrible day a secret. But it’s going to very quickly backfire on them.





I’m with the kid on this one. But the good news coming out of DC right now is that the committee is planning to investigate people connected with the Former Guy. The second round of hearings is coming up in the middle of October, but expect in the next round that Mark Meadows, Dan Scavino, and Steve Bannon will be hauled before the committee. Why aren’t these guys in jail yet? That should be the bigger question here!





I’m with you on that, sir! But where is Alex Jones? Is he currently holed up in his Infowars bunker hawking cheap merchandise? Well the good news there is that the Infowars dominos are starting to fall and we could see some very interesting information coming about Jones’ involvement in the riots very soon. Bonus points if Owen Shoyer squeals before the committee if he’s called to testify! Yeah get the popcorn and the beer ready!





So Steve Bannon and Alex Jones could potentially be in some very deep trouble. We’ve been keeping close tabs on the riots since it happened and we will continue to do so. But what we do know is that two Infowars hosts have been arrested in coordination with the attack. And that’s two too many! So could Alex Jones potentially be arrested? Well he absolutely should answer for his crimes but in what capacity certainly remains to be seen. But we also do know that the Oath Keepers are in some real trouble!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: China’s Cryptocurrency Ban
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It's time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



The cryptocurrency boom has created some interesting characters. Most notably a group that calls themselves “the Blockchain Bros”. But recently the Chinese crackdown has created a huge bust for burgeoning cryptocurrencies around the globe. So could the fun be over for the Blockchain Bros? Yes probably. How is the internet world scrambling to keep up with what’s been going on in China? Well there’s been a lot of speculation about the cryptocurrency ban. And what its’ doing to the markets, and it's going to bring a world of hurt to crypto miners. But just like in the gold rush of 1890, in the end, the people who are really getting rich off the crypto mining boom are the ones who are selling the mining equipment. So how is the fun going to end for mining firms and blockchain bros? Well let’s just say we’ve only just begun.





So is China going to finally finish the job or not of banning crypto currency? The logistics of it are complex but could it do long lasting damage to the economy? Part of the problem with crypto currency is that there’s no central governing bank backing the money, like there is for printed currency. And the other part is that crypto currency can be very easily stolen. But that said, China is getting very serious this time around.





So crypto currency is a hot bed for underground illegal activity, which is part of the reason why China wants to ban it. Not to mention some of the people who’ve got really rich off crypto mining are people who you wouldn’t trust with 15 cents, let alone 15 million dollars. Also just like the Gold Rush. But China’s crackdown on Crypto mining is having an effect on Bitcoin and other coins all around the globe, and it will be interesting to see what happens.





So the door is closing and the fun might be over for the blockchain bros and crypto miners and all of the other insane things to come out of the crypto mining craze that have made life both interesting and miserable at the same time. Go ahead live it up with your Lamborghinis and your lavish lifestyles because when this thing goes bust, your life will go with it. But then again the ban could have the reverse effect that China is hoping for, and it might not have anything to do with greenhouse gases.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! Now I notice a great many of you happen to be wearing tin foil hats today. That is because conspiracy theories are running a foul with our brothers and sisters on the right side of things. Now let me ask you this – why are religious people so prone to believing in insane conspiracy theories? Well there’s no real answer for that but it seems like the crazier they are the more likely they are to believe them. But when you have pastors and podcasts that they listen to who are peddling these theories, they’re part of the problem. And I’m sure that’s not what our good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now is it? But let’s take a look at some of the insane theories that they believe in and there’s plenty of them to pick from. Well for starters let’s start with our old buddy David Barton who is a religious “historian” that gets it wrong every single time. Well wait until you hear his latest piece of claptrap! This might be one of his most insane theories yet!





That is most certainly true, Fluffy! But you know that part of the problem is that today’s active religious fundamentalists think that they’re waging a spiritual war, and that war is digital. It’s not being fought on a battlefield, it’s being fought on your Facebook and Instagram accounts! So when you have most of the religious body being convinced that they’re soldiers fighting a war, and that war is being waged on conspiracy theories, this is what you get!





Now here’s where it gets weird, because you know it was going to! One of the strangest people ever elected to Congress is the bizarre Madison Cawthorn, who is firmly on the side of the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so foul, vile, and disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church! But as I have stated, when you have people convinced they’re fighting “spiritual warfare”, these are the kind of crackpots that are going to come out of the woodwork!





Yes, high fis and boob tubes are great, Reverend! But you know what’s not great? Having to deal with insane conspiracy theorists on a daily basis! I do love talking about conspiracy theories because a lot of times they’re stranger than fiction, and the people who actually believe them are even stranger! Now what happens when Christian nationalist theories are put into practice? Well let’s just say these people actually believe this stuff and they’re not going away!





Probably or maybe not depending on how these crazy people act on their beliefs! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! But before you do, just remember that we are but 10 short days away from the premiere of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons! Sunday October 10th at 4:00 PM. Now you may go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]The Pride Files
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Welcome to our first ever segment on the ongoing issues that are affecting the LGBT community, the Pride Files! And we picked quite the insane week to kick things off. I want to start with movies. I’m really excited that things are getting back to where we were before this nightmare pandemic happened. But one movie specifically has people up in arms, and that’s Marvel’s upcoming film The Eternals. It’s a movie that was originally supposed to be released last year, but got delayed because of the you know what. But that’s not the controversy. Oh no, my friends! The controversy is – wait for it – the evil gays because Marvel put a gay superhero in their movies. But this once again proves the sheer and utter ridiculousness of LGBT representation in cinema. And I don’t blame Marvel one bit for wanting to please everyone.





Yeah yeah think of the children think of the children. Right. I’ll tell you who’s not thinking of the children is Tennessee moms! So here’s the thing – two women kissing on a parade float – would that be cause for outrage in 2021? No? You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But then again this is rural Tennessee we’re talking about here. And really people, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Because in 2021 there’s far worse things to be outraged about!





Good point, Moe! Next up – international LGBT news! You know it’s not just America’s LGBT community that is facing insanity coming from the Christian right. As we keep saying on this program it’s a global phenomenon and these assholes are literally the same no matter where you go. Except for maybe New Zealand, they might actually have a handle on the volatility of the Christian right. So yeah if you’re thinking of relocating, maybe relocate to New Zealand.





OK yes! Think of the children! Think of the children! But you know I want to end with some good news, don’t want you to think this segment is all fearmongering and doom and gloom. How about we end with this story out of Iowa where this teacher was placed on leave after admitting that he’s bisexual, so you won’t believe what these students did next. I went all Buzzfeed there on that sentence, didn’t I? Well here's what happened next!







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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! We are coming to you live of course from our underground doomsday shelter deep in the New Mexico badlands – undisclosed location of course. Let me just adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference and… ah there we go! This week we’re taking a look at conspiracy theories surrounding vaccines and vaccine mandates – of which there are many to choose from! And you know those right wing lunatics who are crashing school boards and city council meetings? Oh you’d better expect that to get worse before this nightmare is finally over. But not quite! There are anti-vaxxers everywhere! It doesn’t matter if you are in the military or the NBA. But you will encounter one of these cretins at least once during the day. And calling them “deplorable” is a bit of an understatement – these morons are utterly despicable!





Dude, seriously – the NBA is the last place where this shit should be pushed around. I mean come on you have guys in close contact breathing on each other and sweating all over the place, that’s not a place for infectious diseases to arise! Thank you audience! But if that’s not enough, the king of conspiracy theorists – our old buddy Tucker Carlson – is kicking his bullshit into overdrive over the military’s vaccine requirements. Does he not know that active duty military get injected with literally every other vaccine known to man?





Yeah probably! So what do you call it when it’s not suicide and people are voluntarily dying from a now preventable illness? I personally call it “VDBP” – Voluntary Death By Propaganda! You know since this segment began last year – which currently feels like it was 15 years ago – we’ve gone over literally every conspiracy theory in the book. But what’s driving this madness? Well for one thing being isolated at home has really done a number on Q Anon nuts who are driving this crap.





Ah yes it’s the classic red pill – blue pill dilemma. The people who’ve taken the red pill should fail to realize that this movie was written by two trans women and is actually a metaphor for how trans people are treated in society. But getting back to my point, staying at home for the last year and a half really amplified how much social media propaganda is screwing with people’s brains. This shit isn’t anything new either, it happened 100 years ago too. But now that people are emerging from the basement Zoom calls, so is the propaganda!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks and we literally talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t involve politics. Because there is some seriously dark shit out there, so why not take a look at the lighter side of the news while indulging in our favorite beverages? That’s one of life’s few remaining pleasures! And I’m so happy I get to drink in front of an audience again! Safety protocols first, of course. This week, you know I love a good beef. And right now this is one of the beefiest beefs to ever beef. Tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about a music beef? A meat juice cocktail? What’s in that? No thanks I’ll just stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So who’s beefing this week? In this corner, we have heavy metal demi-god Corey Taylor, leader of the band Slipknot! And in this corner, we have failed rapper turned movie star turned Blink 182 protégé Machine Gun Kelly! Trust us, this one’s gonna get real weird real quick!





Yeah keep ‘em coming! So it started with Taylor doing a verse on Machine Gun Kelly’s album from last year called “Tickets To My Downfall” and the verse didn’t make it onto the album. But here’s the thing that we’ve learned about the world of the beef – don’t throw shade at someone and then keep throwing shade at them! You know when you’re in a hole, the last thing you want to do is to keep digging. Yeah… dig up, stupid! Gotta love Chief Wiggum! But here’s how that went and it totally backfired in his face.





Oh man nothing beats a good aged whisky… ah! OK the Corey Taylor beef I get… but why would you go after Conor McGregor? You know that dude is a loose cannon. And you can’t have a black tongue and think it’s weird to wear masks! At least the masks you can take off! Now here’s where it gets weird and I told you it was going to. Of course MGK went and took things a bit too far, and don’t do that without getting shit thrown back at you in return!





Somehow I don’t think that’s not nearly enough! Now this is the point in the beef where the manager of one side usually tells the person that they might want to take a step back and reevaluate things. But seriously, Machine Gun, you might want to do that. You’re clearly on the losing end of this fight because Corey Taylor is just too powerful of a voice in the metal community. So really… yeah take my advice and you might want to get away for a while. Even Tracy Jordan knew when he got crazy and pretended to be a Jedi that was where he hit rock bottom, so…









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[font size="8"]Road To Recall: The Final Chapter
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Welcome back to our very last and final edition of Road To Recall! And I really hope that this is the last time we have to talk about conservatives attempting to steal elections from liberal politicians. Because this is just McCarthyism gone berserk. Look, I know that we’re all tired of these shenanigans and I know they must stop. So the question remains – how do we prevent this from happening again? Well that has been the talking point for most of the last couple of weeks here in The Golden State. And really unfortunately there’s no good answer. But you know what Newsom’s real success was? Larry Elder. Yup that’s right! His biggest opponent in the election was also the key to his success. Because Larry Elder is one of those guys who tries to impress people with his knowledge, but really, he comes off looking like an idiot.





Yeah there’s a lot of losers this week. A couple of winners, but mostly losers. And while this victory may be sweet, the war is just beginning. As I said last week there’s lots of recalls happing in other parts of the country and some of those could succeed. But the question here in California is how do we prevent the next partisan power grab? Is it a sign that democracy is failing or is it a wake up call to how badly conservatives want to gain power? It’s about 50/50.





Though the one thing about this recall election – besides revealing how many truly awful people live in California – is that it’s very eye opening about the changing demographics of the state. Will this be a model of what to watch in 2022? Because the midterms are coming and it’s a chance to give Joe Biden and the Dems their grades. But one alarming statistic out of the recall election is Riverside County, which went hard MAGA in this election. And they’re one of the largest in this state.





Yup! And here’s the thing you have to realize about elections – they’re all about star power! And the closest thing that they had to a star? Larry Elder! The reason why Arnold Schwarzenegger won in 2008 was because he had star power! Who did they have? Talk radio hosts… executives… car dealer owners… retail clerks. You think any of them had a chance? Hell no! Which leaves us with Caitlyn Jenner. Sorry, but you lose. And the GOP is more divisive than it’s ever been. You chose this path, you live with it!





This concludes our 4 part mini-series! Back to Red State Diaries next week! The end! We did it!




[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Primus[/font]



My next musical guest are touring paying tribute to one of the greatest progressive rock bands of all time, Rush! You can see them on the “A Farewell To Kings” Tour with Wolfmother through October 30th which includes a stop here in Denver October 21st and 22nd! Playing the Rush classic Xanadu, give it up for Primus!



Thank you Denver! We’re off to Long Beach next with the famous Wheel Of Corruption and live music from Pearl Jam! Also don’t forget next week is the taping of the series premiere of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons!

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Comedy Works, Denver, CO
Primus appears courtesy of: Prawn Song Records
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 23, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11-9: We've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11-9: We’ve Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo! What’s up Houston? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It’s good to be back in the Lone Star State! It’s been literally two years since we were here last. We’ve got a lot of good stuff for you this week too! We’ve also got some awesome music from Modest Mouse. I saw Issac and the guys backstage! Yeah buy their new album “The Golden Casket” or you are no friend of this program. That said, congratulations to Ted Lasso for winning like every Emmy award on the planet! And it’s truly a great show at that. But speaking of shows, I want to talk about dueling bands. Yeah I love a good beef, in case you don’t know. But this beef seems like something that is totally weird and unexpected. You know last year Machine Gun Kelly released his rock debut “Tickets To My Downfall” which actually was pretty good if you like that kind of music. But the beef comes from a metal band that I love, Slipknot. So MGK called Slipknot “old dudes with masks”. And then Slipknot responded… well actually Slipknot responded by deciding to simply ignore what Machine Gun Kelly was saying. Which is definitely better for a band who wrote a song called “People = Shit”. I kid, I kid. But seriously, Machine Gun, have you seen Rolling Stones? Or Iron Maiden? Or U2? Or even Elton John? Or Kiss? All old dudes who rock! And Kiss wears masks and platform shoes too! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first:



Where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot this week is of course our now *FORMER* president, Donald J. Trump (1). Did you know that between the election and the inauguration we were teetering on the brink of nuclear war? Yeah we came that close and we have to thank General Milley for spilling the beans on this near disaster! In the second slot this week, holy shit, this is the kind of story the Top 10 was made for, and when I first saw the Tucker Carlson clip, I could not stop laughing. I’m of course talking about the Nicki Minaj (2) tweet about anti-vaxxers, and this isn’t going away any time soon. Taking the number 3 slot this week is the Justice For Jan 6th rally (3) and it was quite the spectacular failure. Yeah no you morons, the rioters are not political prisoners, they’re prisoners. And why did Batman show up? WTF? Plus the conspiracy theorist in chief Roger Stone got served live on the air! Taking the #4 slot this week is our old buddy Mike Lindell (4). Why the hell did he meet with the secretary of state of Alabama to look at the ballot? Trump won that state! Move along, pillow man! In the number 5 slot, we have the return of one of our old favorite segments – We’re All Gonna Die (5) and this week, the earth really is getting hotter, and conservatives once again have their head buried in the sand on this subject. Taking the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our old buddy Sean Feucht is back and bringing his super spreader events with him, and even the Dark One will be making a surprise appearance at one of them. Yeah gross. In the number 7 slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and this week – Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine compared mask mandates to tyranny, but really he wouldn’t know tyranny if it jumped up and bit him on the ass! In the number 8 slot this week we have a new “This Fucking Guy” and this week we’re profiling super far right pastor and noted MAGA conspiracy theorist Greg Locke in a new edition of This Fucking Guy! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week we have the third installment of our 4 part series “Road To Recall” (10) and this week the California recall madness is spreading to other states, but Florida may have the upper hand in actually recalling a governor! Enjoy! Plus we’ve got some live music from Modest Mouse! Buy their new album “The Golden Casket” or you are no friend of the show! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Former Guy
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We may never really know just how close we came to losing democracy in the time between Nov. 11th, 2020, and January 6th, 2021. We may never really know just how insane Donald Trump went after he lost the 2020 election. How close we came to war. How close we came to him declaring the election null and void. Or any of the other batshit crazy things that he had planned. He could have started World War III and we came that close. Thank god we had some cooler heads working behind the scenes to prevent Fat Donny from doing something extremely terrible. But Bill Maher was right – whatever terrible thing you think you might have seen – get it in writing so it doesn’t happen again! Losing presidents stay like the losers that they are! Someone like Trump should not have access to the nuclear launch codes if he’s deemed a threat. Thank god for General Milley!





Uh… General Milley? Have you been following the last 5 years,, sir? Do you know that Donald J. Trump has hundreds of trigger points? And did I say hundreds? I meant thousands! He’s got more trigger points than a thousand gun factories. But really where was this information during the impeachment trial or the second impeachment trial? We need this stuff to come out in the open! As a wise man once said, this aggression will not stand, man!





Treason. Fuck you. Treason. Come on, I think preventing Donny from starting World War III would be doing whatever it takes to stop that from happening! But you know what? Let the conservatives be mad – they’re not entitled to power! They’re not really entitled to anything. But like I said – get this shit in writing. Trump had way too much power and there needs to be a playbook in place the next time a president goes this batshit crazy. Do it now!!! Tomorrow may be too late!





Stable? Ha! Having Trump in charge is no different than having the Joker or the Riddler in charge and things are about to go off! But that said, we came dangerously close to a war with China, North Korea, or both. We came dangerously close to teetering over the edge. There was a reason the Doomsday Clock moved closer to midnight (see: Top 10 #4-4 ). And if there hadn’t been cooler heads, we might have seen the clock strike midnight.






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[font size="8"]Nicki Minaj’s Ball Gate
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We need some music for this one!



Who’s got big balls? We’ve got big balls! We’ve got the biggest balls of them all! OK who had Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s swollen balls on their anti-vaxxer bingo card? I know that I did not! Seriously, you could not have made up a crazier story. Of course I’m talking about rapper Nicki Minaj who’s no longer just a rapper, but every batshit crazy theory you’ve ever heard on Facebook rolled into one. And strap in because we’ve only begun to scratch the surface of this crazy story. Phrasing! And yes, there will be plenty of opportunities for phrasing in this entry. But where do we begin? Well we got to begin at the beginning when Nicki tweeted this out about her cousin experiencing what was thought to be a bizarre side effect of the vaccine. But it wasn’t. And trust me when I say we are going to have some fun with this entry. Get ready because here’s how it started!





Ok... first off... why? Honestly if you're going to Nicki Minaj for medical advice, you probably should be kicked in that area as hard as possible until they are the size that Nicki Minaj described. That’s how it started and it’s absolutely every bit as ridiculous as it sounds. It’s so off the wall batshit insane that it actually got Nicki Minaj kicked off Twitter multiple times. And if that’s not insane enough – she doubled down! No! You don’t double down when you’ve already said something so stupid and bizarre that it’s requiring a hundred fact checkers to discredit it! But yeah here’s the thing – maybe don’t go to Nicki Minaj for medical advice!





Seriously, Nicki stop talking please! Now here’s where it gets weird and you knew it was going to. This tweet was so insane that it actually prompted the public health minister from Trinidad and Tobago to debunk this bullshit. This is where we are at in 2021. Government officials are wasting their time trying to debunk bullshit said on Twitter because they are afraid of what could happen when misinformation gets out in the open. Yeah. Shut up.





But yeah now thanks to this, Nicki Minaj is now in the MAGA camp. But I couldn’t love this clip more of Tucker Carlson asking Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend to contact her. Here’s the thing Tucker – this whole thing was made up! But that said, how about this – you can go over to Gab or GETTR or Parler or whatever bullshit app the right is touting these days and flaunt your insane theories there. Just don’t waste the time of the experts who are trying to do their job, OK?






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[font size="8"]Capitol Rioters
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Woohoo! Congratulations Roger Stone! You are our big winner! What do you get you might ask? Well you get a one way ticket to Sing Sing! Enjoy the fabulous food and luxurious accommodations of your prison cell! Maybe you’ll even get lucky and land in solitary confinement! You know here’s the thing – if you participated in the January 6th Capitol Riot – AT ALL – you might want to lay low for a while. Find a basement bunker, destroy your cell phones, burn all of your important papers. Because you’re probably wanted for attempting to overthrow the government. Even if you were visiting DC for a girls / guys trip, disavow all knowledge of it. You know what you shouldn’t do? Go on a public radio show! That’s exactly what our favorite conspiracy theorist Roger Stone did. And you know that if he’s involved, some serious shit is about to hit the fan.





Ha ha! Yeah clean that up. Hey Roger, it’s not harassment you stupid dumbass. You do know how the whole “being served” thing works, right? Oh man this is too damn good. And come on, when the Former Guy is planning a run for 2024 (god help us!!!) and this guy is your campaign advisor, you might want to consider finding a new campaign advisor. Look, people are tired of batshit crazy. I know I am. It’s time to get back to some sort of normalcy.





That’s a different kind of being served. That is being F’d in the A. And don’t worry – next week we will devote more time to this but I love that the “Justice For January 6th” rally was a complete bomb! I mean come on, it bombed worse than I do on open mike night. Yeah I am not good at improv, I will admit it. I am good at finding out shit about the January 6th criminals though! And I love that fewer people showed up to it than any other event that guy has held. Schadenfreude!





Of course it is! I mean who that is on the FBI’s most wanted list wouldn’t show up with that crowd? You know who did show up with that crowd though? Batman. I swear to the fucking highest of high gods that I am not making that up. They wonder why we don’t take them seriously? Well they show up to rallies dressed up like Batman and the Ninja Turtles. Can we show that?

https://twitter.com/ZTPetrizzo/status/1439278807282749440

And they love this shit. I guess that’s what you get for having a party founded by people who were raised on TV.





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[font size="8"]Mike Lindell
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Sigh…………… you can’t keep a good election stealer down these days. I’m talking of course about our old buddy Mike Lindell who doesn’t know when to quit. While most of the attention has been paid to the batshit crazy Arizona audit (and don’t worry we’ll cover that next week), very little has been paid to Pillow Douche and the damage that he’s been causing. This guy is insane. He won’t overturn the 2020 election no matter how hard he tries. But this is dangerously treading into “beating a dead horse” territory. And what’s really scary is no matter how many times you tell them they are wrong they will always hit you back with some bullshit conspiracy theory. Or it’s someone else’s fault. Or the “mainstream media” was wrong about this. Well you know what? You’re the one who’s wrong about this, Mikey! So you know what? You lost! Get over it!





He does know that Trump won Alabama by like a colossal margin, right? Like it wasn’t even close! So why is he going after states that Trump won? Is this part of some new even more batshit theory that I’m totally unaware of? And 100,000 votes? Come on, are there even 100,000 people in Alabama? Oh come on, I kid, I kid! But at least the secretary of state in Alabama is putting the kibosh on Mike Lindell’s crazy theories.





That is a good question – WTF! But apparently anything goes in Alabama because even election officials are going along with Mr. Lindell’s latest attempt at election theft. It’s certifiably insane. Just once someone needs to tell this creepy weirdo “no”. I mean who buys his shit? Also… who buys his shit? I mean no I’m asking does anyone actually own a My Pillow? But in fact in regards to Alabama, they’re not just buying his bullshit, they’re rolling out the red carpet!





And as if this couldn’t get any more cringeworthy… consider this. Remember when they kept saying that Former Guy was going to be reinstated in April? And then they said it was going to be August? Then it was going to be 9/11? Well now the “great reinstatement” has been moved to… drum roll… Thanksgiving! That’s right – Thanksgiving! I’ll be sure to stock up on extra turkey legs and pumpkin spice beer for this one! And when it doesn’t happen, they’ll blame someone else and change the date! Just like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown!






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone guess what? We’re all gonna die! Wooooooooooooooooo! Wooooooo! Wooooooo. Woo. Woo. Let me ask everyone something – is it just me or is it getting fucking hot in here? To quote Lewis Black, I’ve only had one thought this entire summer – fuck it’s hot! Or it’s hot as fuck! Here’s the deal – we’ve been living in denial for 20 years and that’s largely thanks to Fox News. They are the foremost purveyor of all things that are bad. So what does 20 straight, solid years of climate change denial get us in this day and age? Well it’s getting us a planet that’s getting increasingly hotter every single day. And when it gets so hot that your ice cream or iced drink literally melts when you go outside, don’t come complaining to us! Instead we’ll say “Told you so!” followed by a very childish “neener neener”. OK I’m rambling. Here’s the latest.





No we’re not all gonna die… at least not yet. Of course when I did this very segment on COVID last year who knew we were actually all gonna die from that? So prove me wrong! Prove me wrong! But that said if we don’t act on climate change now – a whole shit ton of us are gonna die, and there’s no vaccine that can prevent that! Well at least in Europe they’re taking this far more seriously than what our previous president did, and our current one has a long way to go to reverse that guy’s fuck ups!





Yeah probably! But there is some good news – I don’t want you to think that this segment is all doom and gloom but that’s kind of the point of this segment. At least climate change stupidity, unlike actual stupidity, can be reversed! The thing is the previous administration sowed distrust and discord but that was the point. And while it may take a long time to heal those wounds, it won’t take forever to reverse the stupidity. At least that’s what John Kerry says!





Yeah we might all actually die. Pack your shit folks! But you know here’s the thing – if we want to get real change on climate change, we need to start at the top. Part of the problem and one of the biggest problems early on is the media. Especially some news sources **COUGH** Fox News **COUGH** have not exactly been truthful when it comes to climate change reporting. At least the youth are getting serious about it, but those who get their news from TV might want to reconsider.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know my fair congregation… we live in times of great suffering. And people like our next subject certainly aren’t helping things. I am of course talking about our old buddy Sean Feucht. Last time we checked in on him was about a year ago (see: Top 10 #9-17 and he was holding these events called “Let Us Worship” that were doing nothing but bad things to every city he goes to. So one year later? Well of course he’s back to his old tricks! Here’s the thing guys, no one ever said you couldn’t worship during this nightmare world in which we live. No! you only assumed we did, and you went apeshit because of it! We only said you couldn’t gather in mass groups. But the good LAWRD JAYSUS wants you to worship. Yeah that’s not of course in the eyes of Sean Feucht. You know the old saying – judge not lest ye be judged.





But now really Christians, you disappoint me. Not so much that you would actually attend this horrid event but that you would throw your support behind the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of an EVIL man so terrible that his name dare not be spoken in my church! Really why would you support anything he does? He only stands for darkness and evil! Even Jesus spoke of such a man when he said that the “dark one shall pose as a creature of light”!





Only these people don’t feel anything about anything. They are that terrible. Because once again, they align themselves with the master of darkness. And come on, he doesn’t care about New York! He bragged the day after 9/11 that he had the tallest building in New York. Like seriously how stupid can you get? But that said, Feucht is clearly a member of the cult that is trying to take over the United States of America. And these people are dark and disturbed!





You know you did something bad when these guys are facepalming! But really steer very clear of Pastor Feucht. Because he is certainly a very dark and wicked soul who is trying to bring down humanity to his level and the level of the unholy Dark One! For he is the most foul of all creatures! That said, these are the people who think that the church should be more politically active. Really? Have you actually read the Constitution? If anything it’s the exact opposite!





Yes so if this man and his events come to your city, be afraid! Because they do not represent our good LAWRD JAYSUS! They represent all that is evil! They represent the unholy Dark One! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Do they know what tyranny is?
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Folks, let me give you a lesson in politics. And you know what? Let’s start by defining what a tyrannical government really is. A tyrant is a “cruel and oppressive ruler”. If you think what Joe Biden is doing in regards to the virus is tyranny, then why don’t you go live in a country like Myanmar or Afghanistan or Belarus or Bosnia – Herzegovina. Now that’s tyranny. Or maybe we go throw you in the middle of Somalia and see how long you last. I thought so. So what I’m getting at – Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine recently compared mask mandates to tyranny. But he’s not the only douchebag doing this. Yes, he’s a douchebag for saying that mask mandates are tyrannical. You know what? They suck, but anything is better than the alternative! And you know what at some point we won’t have to wear these anymore but until then, shut up.





Yes… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… shut up! Yeah really a guy who’s that far off the deep end, do you really want to be hanging out with someone this reckless and stupid? Well if that’s not enough, behind door B, there is Skillet’s John Cooper. Who has been vocal about vaccine mandates and thinks that mask mandates are a step towards totalitarianism. Yes, it’s a step towards controlling your thoughts. They won’t tell you but its’ gonna happen. These people…





Yes please shut up! And you know what? It’s not tyranny! It’s not totalitarian. It’s science. And you know what? This argument isn’t really anything new. In fact it’s the same recycled argument from 40 years ago about whether or not people should wear seatbelts. And really it’s pretty much a common thing now isn’t it? you get in the car, you put on a seatbelt, that’s it. Or is it tyranny??? No it isn’t, it’s just a safety measure meant to keep you from dying!





You tell ‘em! But what makes this particularly infuriating is that even members of the upper levels of government are buying this bullshit! It’s not just your favorite right wing band that’s spouting this nonsense. Just look at the endless amount of shit that Mississippi’s Tate Reeves got when he merely suggested the same things that Dave Mustaine and John Cooper are suggesting. Yeah its’ exactly what we thought too! Please for the love of god shut up!






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Greg Locke
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is noted Trump superfan, far right MAGA cultist and internet preacher Greg Locke. You may have heard of Pastor Locke for his super far right leanings. Or for his hundreds of appearances at far right rallies around the country which also includes a group consisting of noted white supremacist Ann Vandersteel, noted white supremacist and MAGA conspiracy theorist Lin Wood, noted MAGA conspiracy theorist Jim Caveziel, and noted MAGA conspiracy theorist Sydney Powell. Well, you see where I’m going with this. He’s also recently appeared at MAGA rallies starring the king MAGA conspiracy theorist himself, Mike Lindell. Yes, he’s appeared with pillow man and noted traitor Michael Flynn, spouting, well, bullshit. And boy is Pastor Locke full of it! He’s so full of shit that he spent his latest sermon ranting about the Freemasons. Seriously what year is he living in? 2021 or 1912?





I swear to god there’s a Simpsons clip for everything! And why is their answer always to burn things they don’t understand? Sure, burning things is fun but it’s also terrible for the environment. But Pastor Locke has been on a roll lately. Well you know the reason why Christians are turning to violence for everything these days? Well it’s because of those dang demmycrats! And him saying this is especially ironic considering he appeared on a program called “Voice Of Healing”. I swear you cannot make this shit up!





Yeah that might be an understatement! There’s plenty of claims made by this fucking guy in the last few weeks. He’s said things like Mitch McConnell was controlled by illuminati hand signals. He’s called Joe Biden a “wicked fool” and he’s aligned himself with people attempting to overturn the 2020 election. He is about as batshit crazy as they come. But this might be one of my favorite claims of his – he thinks Tennessee is going to build “quarantine camps” for anti-vaccine people. No joke.





Yeah probably! Well that said, you know what is the underlying factor in all of this? Pastor Greg Locke is just another bullshit con artists who flings his feces against the wall and hopes that something sticks. So yeah it’s just like that former president he admires so much. You know I always wondered how ordinary people supported the Nazis. Considering this guy has a lot of followers on the internet, it’s kind of starting to make sense. Especially since he’s admitted he’s a blithering idiot!





Yeah probably! So a guy who makes shit up and is an admitted idiot, and is nothing more than a con artist who calls himself a pastor. That’s Greg Locke, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. You know we repeatedly define what constitutes a People Are Dumb story. Because I feel like after all these years that it needs to be made clear. Let’s define what that is. OK guy robbing a 7-11. Not dumb. A guy robbing a 7-11 and then leaving his drivers’ license in the front seat of his getaway vehicle – that’s dumb. A guy who robs a 7-11 while wearing a pink tutu and a clown mask while stealing a police car and blasting circus music out of the PA – that’s a People Are Dumb story! Even better if he’s going to arrest his girlfriend who destroyed a nearby McDonalds because they ran out of chicken nuggets. I want to start with this story out of Honolulu, Hawaii. Or rather, this story from someone who was traveling to Honolulu. Look people, we’re still in a pandemic. Don’t do anything stupid. And if you do, at least learn to spell correctly. Come on…





Thank you Master Yoda! Next up – this one is so stupid and insane that it actually got Snopes involved. I have been around the internet, let me tell you. And I have seen some batshit crazy stuff. But I’ve personally never accused an entire company of installing a tracking device in an undergarment. Yes, you read that correctly. Yeah I know this story is from the Daily Mail, but this is so insane that we couldn’t help but post it here! I’m a sucker for these kinds of stories:





That is true! That’s also an anti-theft device. Next up – New Zealand! Yes, even New Zealand is not immune from crazy stupid people. So apparently I didn’t know this was a thing but in New Zealand, they’re under such ultra-strict lockdowns that taking fast food across city boundaries is considered an offense. You know this is just such a weird time we live in. But really right now don’t do anything stupid because the last place you want to be is prison. Or the hospital.





Yeah and don’t eat all of the skin on the chicken either. Next up – of course we have to go to our favorite state, the Sunshine State. America’s Wang. Florida. The state that never ceases to bring the crazy. But if you’re out and you get busted by the cops for whatever traffic violation you may happen to commit, maybe don’t do what Florida Man does. That’s right – he twerked during the stop. Don’t do what Florida Man does!





Wrong song. Next up – yet another batshit crazy story coming from the Florida panhandle. So if you’re a wannabe car thief, this should be a guide on how not to steal a car. Because stealing a car is one thing, a backyard barbecue with Netflix and chill is another. But don’t combine the two whatever you do! This is a story that has multiple levels of stupid. But it’s one of the reasons why we love Florida anyways!





Finally this week – stupid internet challenges! And this one might be one of the stupidest. We know we’re still in a pandemic and we know that the wheels of society are very slowly beginning to turn again, but that shouldn’t make people this dumb. Whatever you do when you return to whatever it is that you do, maybe don’t destroy property and steal things. Yeah sure it might be fun and it might get you a few likes on Facebook, but don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To Recall: Recall Madness
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Welcome back to part 3 of our 4 part series – Road To Recall! Well we did it everybody! The 2021 California recall election is in the books! And we won! Again! MAGA got spanked. And they didn’t get spanked so much as they got their asses beat in a TKO within the first ten seconds before the MMA fans barely have any time to get drunk! That was seriously like a Little League team taking on the New York Yankees! But here’s the thing that you need to know about recall elections. Besides the fact that a good 99% of them are complete bullshit, they rarely succeed. To put things in perspective - California has had 4 governors face a recall vote, but only one has actually succeeded. Scary to think we came close but ultimately democracy prevailed once again!





Can’t win elections if you don’t have a credible candidate or a plan! But if you want to look at where recalls succeed as much as they fail, look no further than North Dakota. The first recall election in American history happened in North Dakota in 1921 – also during a pandemic. And not only was the governor recalled but his two successors were also recalled in that election! Yeah that was a thing that happened!





Yeah everyone was fired there! But that said another state facing some ridiculously hard times is Alabama. They’re a state that’s been hit hard by anti-vaxxer discord and extreme MAGA partisan politics that’s resulted in what some might call a “cluster fuck”. In fact their governor Tate Reeves could possibly be recalled as well as Senator Tuberville. Could either of these happen? Well it’s highly doubtful given how red Alabama really is.





That said, you might be thinking “where is Florida in all of this?” and I answer you – this is one state where it could actually happen. We’ve been discussing through the last year how much of a clusterfuck that the state of Florida is in, and it all leads to one man – Ron DeSantis. Who is clearly going for the Fox News / Facebook troll arm of the vote. And it’s costing him. And in the event that this actually goes to a vote, don’t worry – we’ll be there to cover it all!





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week we have the final thoughts in part 4 of our 4 part series and how to prevent the next recall, because you know there will be one!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Modest Mouse [/font]


Folks my next guest has a great new album out called “The Golden Casket”. You can see them on tour through October 12th which includes stops at the Ace Hotel in LA on 9/25 and the Austin City Limits Festival on 10/9. Playing their song “Wooden Soldiers”, give it up for Modest Mouse!



Thank you Houston! We’re off to Denver, Colorado with live music from Primus next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Houston Improv, Houston, TX
Modest Mouse Appears Courtesy Of: Epic Records
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 16, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11-8: You Should Be Jabbing Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11-8: You Should Be Jabbing Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Burbank? We’re back! That’s right for the last 12 months we’ve been holed up in the green room here doing our thing so we wanted to thank the good people here at Flappers by doing a send off show here with a real audience! Of course we still have lots of tomfoolery ahead in the season to come! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! So normally on this program we don’t grave dance when a prominent conservative dies. That’s not in our nature. But this guy considering that’s exactly what he did, well, sometimes exceptions have to be made, damn it! I’m not made of stone! I’m of course talking about this story out of Denver. This guy Bob Enyart, who was a right-wing Christian pastor who hosted a show, ironically called “Real Science Radio”, and one of the features on the show is what is gaining the most controversy. Of course Bob was also a known shit poster of pro-Trump and anti-vaccine memes on Facebook in addition to this program. But the feature is that he gleefully read the names of AIDS victims while blasting the Queen classic “Another One Bites The Dust”. Well, this week Pastor Bob unfortunately lost his battle with COVID. And you know what, while we’re all out of empathy, we feel that this is the only way to properly mourn (celebrate?) the life of Pastor Bob Enyart. Hit it!





Another one bites the dust! OK that’s enough of the intro this week, we have a lot of idiocy to get to but first - John Oliver is back in the studio and he takes a look at the batshit crazy, extremely unpopular Prime Minister of Belarus - Alexander Lukashenko!

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This week was September 11th. As such we commemorate the anniversary of that terrible tragedy by taking our annual look showing just how much progress we’ve made in the last 20 years, which is slim to nil, and so for that the top slot goes to… eh, conservatives (1). In the second slot this week is anti-vaxxers (2). Look people, get the damn vaccine. Don’t fall for scams, or cons, or bullshit “miracle cures”, just do it it! Even Biden is getting mad too! Taking the 3rd slot this week is the Right Wing (3). You know that calls for violence are getting more and more hostile and the FBI fears another Capitol Riot style attack on the government? Yeah. That is where we are at right now. In the number 4 slot this week is our old buddy Ron DeSantis (4). But not because of COVID, because of this insane new law that allows someone to legally drive a car into a protest. Yeah is it any wonder why staying home is the best option right now? In the #5 slot this week is a new Top 10 Investigates! This week we’re going to take a look at what’s going on at our ports right now – they’re stacked to the brim and traffic can’t move fast enough and things are going to get ugly. In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”. Last week Texas passed one of the most insane anti-abortion laws in the entire country, but they have a challenger – the Church Of Satan! And we honestly might have to side with the devil on this one! In the #7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse (7). Look, we don’t need to tell you that UFC and boxing have always been a hotbed for far right political activity, guess maybe one too many blows to the head will do that to you! In the number 8 slot this week, is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8), and seriously you don’t know how far conservatives will go to not take the thing that they’re supposed to be taking. It’s getting absurd to say the least! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink (9) and this week marks the return of New York’s famous Met Gala, and of course all the weird and wacky fashions that go with it! Finally this week in our second round of Road To Recall (10), what’s up with the California recall? We will have the news of the winner (or loser) in this week’s election! Plus we have some live music for you from the only 100% authorized Frank Zappa tribute band out there, the Zappa Band! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The 20th Anniversary Of 9/11
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This isn’t exactly a fun entry to start off this week, but every year we’ve been commemorating the anniversary of 9/11 by showing either how far we’ve come as a society, how backwards we’ve gone as a society, or what right wing politicians are doing to completely fuck up the matter. It's a somber occasion, don't get me wrong, but usually it’s the latter because they tend to bring it every single year. Especially since they merged the GOP with the Q / MAGA crowd. But that said, this year happens to be the 20th anniversary of that terrible day. Holy shit! It's been 20 years? I remember that day like it was yesterday. So let’s see where we are at. I’m going to start with the ceremonies. First off former presidents Clinton and Obama and current president Biden attended the New York City 9/11 memorial where Bruce Springsteen performed. Former president Bush attended the Flight 93 memorial in Pennsylvania. And then there was former president Shit For Brains. You know where he was? Don??t worry we’ll get to that more in Beating A Dead Horse. But here’s where he was!





So did I tell you that they’d manage to completely fuck it up? Because they did! But why did the families of the victims not want Biden to come to the memorial services this year? Well there’s a reason behind it, and it involves our old friends in Saudi Arabia. Because… yeah fuck the Saudis. So the reason why is that there’s increasing evidence that the Saudis were the real ones behind the 9/11 attacks and there was a plan to cover it up. Let’s pull a Scooby Doo here and find out who the real attackers were!





Yes and they would have got away with it too if not for those meddling liberals! They need a wannabe dictator to keep people in line! Of course that’s one of those days that will live in infamy where everyone remembers where they were that day. And that also said we’re not going to talk about Former Guy here a lot because we have an entire entry dedicated to him later on this edition. But what we will do instead is show you that video where he bragged about having the tallest building in New York!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! OK not going to talk about him anymore. Instead I will show you how a real leader leads. Because we are not going to let him bring his negative energy into our 9/11 memorial OK? Stop it! But here’s how Joe Biden is paying tribute to a national tragedy – with all of the class and dignity that you would expect. And there’s nothing funny about this so we are not even going to try. Just… think of the victims here.






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[font size="8"]Anti-Vaxxers
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OK now back to comedy! We need some music for this one!



Hey anti-vaxxers, you know what you should be doing right now? You should be jabbing! You should be jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabing! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! That’s about the best Bee Gees impression that I can do. What? I can’t sing! But that said, we can’t stress enough how important it is to get the vaccine. It is free, it is safe, it is reliable. You know what’s not reliable? Horse dewormer. Malaria drugs. Drinking iodine. Yes, that’s the latest bullshit cure (see this week’s Conspiracy Corner for more!). That said, Joe Biden may have unleased a Costco size can of worms last week because he poked the hornet’s nest known as anti-vaccine crusaders. But make no mistake – the propaganda war on vaccine mandates is about to get really scary. And those idiots who are crashing school board meetings and protesting at city halls? Well you ain’t seen nothing yet! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaa bwaaaaaaaaaaa you ain’t seen nothing yet! I know, I can’t sing. But anyway:





Exactly! Oh shit! Just wait until the shit hits the fan here. So Biden opened a can of worms and it’s given fuel for the anti-vaxxers. And they are getting ruthless and merciless. They’re also not going away any time soon. But regardless of what they want or think this is the correct thing to do. Because if we don’t start telling these people to shut up, the virus will get worse again. And nobody wants that. But here’s where the rebellion is getting crazy.





My reaction exactly! Now here’s where it gets weird and you knew it was going to. So while Joe Biden can mandate vaccines at the federal level that won’t stop state or local levels from finding ways around it whether it’s through religious exemptions or other BS means. But my favorite part of this whole thing is our old buddy Tucker Carlson. So rapper Nicki Minaj tweeted a bizarre side effect of the vaccines, which isn’t true, and Tucker read it on the air like it was some sort of anti-vaccine diatribe. Can we show that clip?

https://twitter.com/justinbaragona/status/1437582787608031232

That happened! And it’s one of those things that you can’t possibly make up!





I honestly have to admit that I didn’t have “swollen balls” on my anti-vaccine bingo card! Though if you want a good laugh go on Twitter and search the hashtag “#MyCousinTookTheVaccine”, there’s some pretty funny shit there! But that said, all fun and games aside, the shit is about to hit the fan. Someone really needs to do a South Park style “THIS IS WHAT ANTI-VAXXERS REALLY THINK!” type of video. This is nothing to joke about, and shit is about to get real!






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[font size="8"]Capitol Rioters
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So the last few weeks we’ve been talking about the Capitol Riots on 1/6 and all the crazy things that have been happening since then. Now the question is – could it happen again? You know what let’s look at something that should have come to light during the second impeachment trial. There’s no mistake at least in my mind and everyone who follows this program knows that the Former Guy, by all means, should have been arrested for inciting violence against lawmakers and even his own party’s vice president. Seriously, has a former president in American history ever threatened to kill his own party’s vice president? I honestly don’t think so, though there’s so much I don’t know about American history at all. But that said, here’s what happened exactly.





Oh people stop your rabbling! But that happened! Trump was a dangerous man that day and he had his own private army consisting of militias and psychopaths looking to kill. But they were just innocent tourists that day depending on who you talk to! And you want to know something even more disturbing than that? Well even worse is that Melania Trump literally had no reaction to the fact that people were trying to burn down the Capitol!





Yes, that is some pretty damning allegations against the former president and first lady! Now getting back to the topic at hand – could another Capitol Attack happen again? Well last week we reported on the fact that some of them are being labeled “political prisoners”. Oh fuck off! Nelson Mandela was a political prisoner. Martin Luther King, Jr was a political prisoner. You’re just a bunch of nobodies who trashed the Capitol trying to install a wannabe dictator, and failed. But the FBI is very concerned that could happen again.





But there is good news – their numbers are dwindling. And they are declining very rapidly as we have seen in the California recall election. By the way if you want to see how the MAGA movement is going at the moment, let’s take a look at what happened in Kentucky last week. Our old buddy Mike Lindell, along with traitor Michael Flynn and batshit crazy alt right pastor Greg Locke (who we might have to profile in a future “This Fucking Guy”), and they expected thousands. They got hundreds. Where’s Nelson when you need him?





Thanks Nelson!


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[font size="8"]Florida
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Florida. The Sunshine State. America’s Wang. Yes, Florida gets a bad rap and a bad reputation and that’s rightfully true. Because Florida has some of the most batshit crazy people to inhabit the earth. Literally every other week we bring you something crazy that Florida Man is up to. But this week, the really crazy Florida Man is none other than Florida Governor himself, Ron DeSantis. He’s really trying to vie for the top of the MAGA food chain isn’t he? And if you check out r/HermanCainAwards, that food chain seems to be getting smaller and smaller every day. But that’s not what we’re talking about this week. Instead we’re going to talk about something that might have slipped through the cracks. So while everyone is focused on Texas, Florida is passing some laws that might be controversial to protestors.





Ah yes Ron, but as we’ve seen time and time again it’s your side that’s doing the rioting, not ours! So this law targets the protestors and anyone doing the organizing of protests in Florida. But they can’t stop any protests from turning violent. And if you want to see where that gets you look at Oregon and the weekly bouts between the Proud Boys and Antifa in downtown Portland. You really want those guys in charge of taking down protests? I know I don’t! Also knowing Florida, there might be international incidents involved if things go awry!





Yeah riots don’t usually work that way, but we presume that’s what Ron DeSantis thinks that’s how riots are caused! So that’s the law in question. But this week we might get a reprieve from tyrannical governors like DeSantis. So if you protest police brutality in Florida, you can be brought down by the very police you are opposing. At least that’s not happening right now thanks to a judge in Florida blocking this utter bullshit bill.





Now that’s what a violent protest looks like! Now it’s time to find out who’s responsible for this nonsense getting passed. And that’s Ron DeSantis and a couple of ultra-far right wing sheriffs and now they’re facing serious trouble. But even DeSantis himself acknowledges that the protests last year were mostly peaceful. And I’m not even sure that he knows what the definition of “riot” really is. But let’s keep beating that dead horse, and I hope we don’t see anything on the magnitude of what happened last year, but that can be impossible to predict.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Shipping Container SNAFU
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Hey everyone! It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!


As the gears of society begin turning after being shut down for more than 18 months, one of the biggest hit industries by the pandemic is one that most people pay very little attention to. That is the shipping industry. Now that international trade is starting to ramp back up again, America’s ports are in very dire straits. And with the shipping industry being the lifeblood of many other industries, including ones we rely on every day, expect things to be FUBAR for at least the next year. But in fact more people should be paying attention to the import / export industry. So just how bad are things right now? Well shipping delays could be felt well into next year. And we still have 4 months to go in the year 2021. So be patient while things start getting more and more back to normal after a raging pandemic. Strap in because we’re in a really rocky ride until this gets sorted out.





25.9 million shipping containers is what one might call a “spicy meatball”. And it’s most likely going to get worse before it gets better. The shipping SNAFU has affected everything from cars to consumer electronics to video game consoles. And expect that it’s going to last through the winter which will translate into a really rocky Christmas. And that means you or your kids probably won’t get the toys that you really want this year.





But there is good news on this front is that one of the largest ports in China is back to full operation after being mostly closed for the better part of last year. So we can start seeing more shipments of electronics including computer parts, car parts, and everything else you might need. But everyone needs to be patient as things start turning again. And while there has been mostly bad news in the past few months, this is actually some good news happening!





But it’s not all good news – there is still some bad. We fooled you there for a second, didn’t we? So like we said, have some patience because this thing is going to get worse before it gets better. While everyone will almost certainly have a much better holiday season in 2021 than they did in 2020, don’t expect it to be shiny new cars and kids toys and all the other stuff you see on the holiday related commercials at this time of year.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day!

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we here usually don’t take sides in the ongoing holy wars, we usually sit back and make fun of the situation at hand. Whose side are we taking this week? Well we are taking the side of the devil! So why are taking the side of the Dark LAWRD SAYTAN this week? Well the answer lies in that state of Texas – the Lone Star State. There, a servant of the Unholy Dark One – the man so disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church – but he’s not the subject of today. Instead it’s one of his minions – Gov. Greg Abbott, who passed one of the most restrictive and batshit insane abortion laws in the entire country last week. So with that happening, there’s actually a challenger now and it’s the Church Of Satan!





Oh are you now? It’s one thing to join a religion, but I’ve never actually been able to pinpoint what makes someone join the dark religion and worship the devil. But we’re in a holy war all right, a true war if you will, of good versus EEVIL! The light vs the dark. And to see SAYTAN on the light side is certainly something that we didn’t see coming. But then again we also didn’t think that Texas would go against JAYSUS with this insane new law, either!





But you do know that this is a ritual for the Church of SAYTAN right? For SAYTAN is not JAYSUS, in fact he is the opposite! JAYSUS is the light of the world, and SAYTAN is darkness. But in fact the Church Of SAYTAN is advertising. No, devil worshipping is never going to become mainstream, outside of maybe death metal shows. Despite that this is a trying time, politics does make for strange bedfellows, and in the side of good vs evil, the Church Of SAYTAN is one of the strangest bedfellows to have!





But while people might think this is a gimmick, and it most certainly is one, the Church Of SAYTAN and the Satanic Temple are not one to rest on their laurels. If there’s one thing that could potentially save this country from the iron grip of the Christian right, it most certainly could be the Dark Lord himself, and that would certainly make things interesting. I know I did not have this on my anti-abortion bingo card, that’s for sure!





So the lines have been drawn, my fair congregation! The line vs good and evil may have been flipped, and dark represents light, and light represents dark. That’s just the weird backwards word in which we live now. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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The UFC and the sport of boxing, as we’ve covered on this program time and time again, is a hotbed of far right and ultra-far right political activity. There’s really no middle ground here. I guess one too many blows to the head will do that to you. Which is why we’re not surprised that the former president is now a color commentator for boxing. I can only imagine the kind of shit he’s going to say during his every day fights. “Oh that was a right cross and the election was stole, Joe Biden is not the real president. OH! That was a total knockout… don’t forget that there was voter fraud!”. OK enough of that. I will admit I do not know much about boxing. But you know what? We don’t need that guy’s commentary or his fans cheering him at boxing matches, OK?





Of course he’s not going to say anything that’s going to get him in trouble. He’s the only former president not at a 9/11 memorial on 9/11, he’s already in enough trouble! It must be nice to live in an alternate reality when there’s no COVID or no 9/11 isn’t there? Now here’s where it gets weird because you knew it was going to. One of the fellow commentators was Donald Trump Jr, gee I wonder how they got him? But anyway he gave this little clue about what his father might talk about:





Of course! It’s never the aliens! But that’s what they want you to think! Or is it? But not only is this whole incident weird to begin with, it gets weirder, my friends! Oh yes! Don’t think for a minute anything involving Trump isn’t fucking weird. And don’t think for a minute that he won’t scream voter fraud or peddle his other bullshit. Because that’s exactly what you get at a Trump event – the insane ramblings of an incoherent, crazy individual.





Come on that was barely a tap! But this might be my favorite part of the whole exercise – Trump says that he wants to box Biden. Are you kidding me? Have you seen the kind of shape that Trump is currently in? He’s fat, can barely stand or walk up a ramp, wears diapers, and most likely has fried lungs from when he got COVID last year. So come on, go ahead Trump, challenge Biden. You’ll lose again and again. And again.






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable – Conspiracy Corner! We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter deep in the New Mexico badlands – undisclosed location of course! Just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… ah there we go! And you know what folks? I feel like I keep reporting on the same topic every week, but that’s only because *THEY* keep reporting on the same topic every week. And that topic happens to be a hot one – the COVID vaccine. But you won’t believe how far conservatives will go to take everything but the one thing that actually works. They’ve taken everything from horse deworming medication to a malaria drug. But before I get into one of the crazier solutions this week, I want you to meet one of their leaders. You know how you feel like everyone around you is in a member of some weird cult? Well this could be one of the reasons why.





Wait, you have to pay dues? What kind of brainwashing cult is this? Most cults seize your assets and everything you own and force you to go live in a compound somewhere. At least that’s every crime novel I’ve ever seen! But there’s plenty of fake news out there when it comes to vaccines, people, so much that even the WHO is now calling fake news one of the biggest problems out there in relation to the pandemic. But even the higher ups in the GOP are going full anti-vax now. Why? Because “owning the libs” is their way of life!





Of course it does! But wait until you see what they pulled out this week. So hydroxychloroquine didn’t work. Taking horse deworming medication didn’t work. And of course you know the old saying, “fool me once, shame on you”. But fool me 10,000 times… you must be a COVIDIOT. So that said, wait until you see what the latest “cure” they have for the disease is – wait for it – gargling iodine! That’s right – you might as well just sell them a can of magic beans at this point!





Yeah seriously, you might as well sell them a can of magic beans at this point! But here’s the thing – how do you get the public on your side in the bullshit wars? Well it’s an easy factor – you go after their trust and you do so by placing sorrow in something that is life-saving, such a vaccine. So the next time your anti-vax neighbors or anyone else you know starts spewing this crap, all you have to do is tell them that they have their trust in the wrong place! I wish it was that simple!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks and we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. And this week – it’s the return of the fashion industry’s biggest night of the year – the Met Gala! So tell me bartender what goes well with a story about rich people wearing weird costumes? A Manhattan made with single malt whisky and covered in gold foil? Seriously, are we made of money here? We’re on a tight budget! You know what’s cheap though? Jack Daniels. So I’ll just have that mixed with Jack Daniels, thanks! But yeah so this week the Met Gala was held in New York and it’s one of the first large scale celebrity gathering in New York since the pandemic. And this isn’t your ordinary Met Gala stories. Instead, as Frank Reynolds from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia says – “We’re gonna get real weird with it!”. Well here’s what is behind door #1!





Man seeing a woman’s backside – that’s got to get an incel’s underwear in a wad, am I right? Well who had “bare ass” on their Met Gala bingo card? I know I didn’t but anything is possible. But it gets weirder from here. And remember when I said “we’re gonna get weird with it”? Well of course there’s Zoe’s bare ass, but then in this corner – there’s green haired Frank Ocean! And this weird… Shrek baby doll that he was carrying with him. Seriously, WTF?





Oh yeah I needed that! Keep ‘em coming! As if that wasn’t enough, there was Kim Kardashian wearing whatever the fuck this thing was, and then there was Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s insanely weird and not at all political “tax the rich” dress. But then there was also hip-hop star ASAP Rocky and what was the motif for this one? Breakfast cereal? Was he eating Captain Crunch and thinking “hey! This would make for great fashion?”. But yeah like I said, weird!





Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But here’s the thing – in the Met Gala every year they have a theme. This year the theme is “In America”. In America, first you get the money, then when you have the money you have the power. Then when you have the power, you have the women! Oh wait, that was Tony Montana in “Scarface”. But here’s the twist – how do you keep the theme without being overtly political? You really can’t!






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[font size="8"]Road To Recall: The Results
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We did it everybody! Gavin Newsom survives the recall but the damage has been done. Was it sending a message to MAGA? You bet! Was it a colossal waste of time, money and resources? You bet! Can we stop the next one? Hopefully! Where am I going with this line of questioning? I have absolutely no idea whatsoever! But the point is, MAGA didn’t just get their asses handed to them on a silver platter, that was an epic beatdown. Think of it like your high school football team playing against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Yeah it’s that kind of beat down. Here’s the lesson that is to be learned for the MAGAs – don’t mess with Texas you say? Well don’t fuck with California! Because you know that you’re not going to win! Yeah I know that I am gloating way too much about this, but you know what? Fuck it. I feel like my team won the World Series, the Super Bowl, the Stanley Cup, and the Larry O’Brien Trophy combined! OK maybe it’s not that big of a win but still.





OK I’m rolling again. But really we must cherish every single victory we get while we can get it, and it is sweet isn’t it? But now that Gov. Newsom thwacked the bug known as the MAGA cult, how does he respond? By getting back to work doing what he does best – showing leadership and competence in leading this state out of the many crises we are currently facing. So let’s do it and again show that we are better than the MAGA cult! Grace and dignity vs insanity and conspiracy theories? I know which one I would choose!





Damn right I’m rolling! And you know what? The margin of victory is way too high for you to be able to scream voter fraud! How’s that holding up on your end of the 2020 election? Oh and your attempts to flip my state towards the dark side? Ain’t gonna happen! Shit, even the rural farmers in Alpine, Tulare, and Kern County couldn’t save you this time! Nor could the MAGA cult in Huntington Beach! So yeah Newsom got saved this time around!



?noredirect

So now all of the gloating out of the way and getting back to some sort of seriousness, how do you prevent the next attempt at a power grab? The recall election has shown that CA is permanently blue and will probably stay that way for many years to come. And the MAGAs’ pathetic attempts at a partisan power grab are extremely laughable at best. But there are steps that we can take to make sure they won’t try this again – and we must take them now! Tomorrow might be too late!





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week, we’re taking a look at recall fever gripping the nation! California may be done, but the GOP, Qs, and MAGAs aren’t done with us yet!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The Zappa Band [/font]



Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is the only official and authorized Frank Zappa tribute band out there, they just wrapped a tour with King Crimson in support of Zappa ’88: The Last Show. Playing the FZ classic “Zomby Woof”, give it up for the Zappa Band!



Thank you Burbank! And I want to thank Flappers especially for putting up with us the last year, you guys rule! We’re off to Houston and the Houston Improv next. Wait, who scheduled that one? See you next week!

Credits

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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: San Jose Improv, San Jose, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1436667149297274880

September 9, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11-7: A Horse Is A Horse Of Course Of Course Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11-7: A Horse Is A Horse Of Course Of Course Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Santa Ana, how you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It is good to be home after our first road trip of the post-COVID era. We are back, we are rested. And you see that stage behind me? That’s right we got music for ya! We did it! It’s back everybody! WOOOOOO!!!! Oh man how I have waited for this day! How awesome is this? We’ve also got some great musical guests lined up through the end of the season, including one of my all time favorite bands who I won’t tell you who, let’s just say it rhymes with “piston of a brown”. Yeah that makes sense! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! So last week I attended the Foo Fighters concert in Inglewood and while it was awesome they did something really cool at the end. Last year there was a 11 year old kid named Nandi Bushnell from England who challenged Dave Grohl to a drum off, and the video went viral. Anyway Dave accepted and they had recorded a series of videos together through last year. But last week – Dave brought her up on stage during the show’s finale to play their classic Everlong and you know what? She nailed it! That was one of the coolest things ever, man do I love the Foo Fighters! We may also have them stop by later on. But OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he spills the beans about what’s really going on in Afghanistan:



So where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot this week is the State Of Texas (1). They just wrapped up their 2021 legislative session and passed a whopping 666 laws – all of which are insane and not just a tribute to Iron Maiden. In the second slot this week is our old buddy Joe Rogan (2). So if you haven’t been following this story – Joe got COVID after hawking ivermectin, which is a horse deworming medication that’s not approved for use in humans, but he’s taking it anyways. In the number 3 slot is anti-vaxxers (3) because they are insane and they’re taking the fight against mask and vaccine mandates to your local school board, and things are getting very ugly. FML. In the number 4 slot this week is the GOP (4). They want to know the truth about our complicated and messy withdrawl from Afghanistan? OK fine we’ll tell you and we won’t have to hold and endless amount of senate hearings about it either. In the number 5 slot this week is the Capitol Riots (5) – we’ll bring you some of our favorite rioters who got arrested and get you ready for the second round of hearings! Taking the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, our resident pastor is increasingly alarmed at the Christian right’s increasing hysteria in overturning the 2020 election and they’re getting violent. Yeah it’s time to be afraid! In the number 7 slot this week is a new This Fucking Guy (7) and this week we’re profiling batshit crazy MAGA lifestylist, former UFC champion, and former Huntington Beach mayor pro temp Tito Ortiz (7) and whew, this fucking guy is batshit crazy! In the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and Q Anon is heading to Russia! So of course you know that there’s no collusion! Move along, nothing to see here! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb because of course they are! Finally this week, we’re taking a short break from our segment about stupid MAGA people, Red State Diaries to bring you a new segment about the California 2021 recall election of Gavin Newsom– Road To Recall (10). And this week we’re taking a look at the man who could be California’s next governor – Larry Elder, and whew, the MAGAs really found one! Plus the return of live music from the one and only Weezer!! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The State Of Texas
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Sigh… the state of Texas is one of the reasons why we can’t have nice things in this country. Last week they passed a whopping 666 new laws, all of which are completely insane and the furthers the Fox News-ification of America. And next week I promise we will go through some of the more insane laws, which include things like banning vaccine passports, forcing sports teams to play the national anthem, shielding insurance companies from car accidents, and literally criminalizes being homeless. Yes that happened. But none of those are what I want to talk about this week. Specifically I want to talk about one law. Yes, that one. The abortion law. And its’ subsequent laws. These are quite literally batshit fucking crazy and if they go before SCOTUS, god help us all. Please hold your boos before I get into the meat of this.





What could go wrong? That seems to be a common theme with all the entries this week. But what could go wrong? Well this has set off a category 5 shit storm because as you know, the worst president in United States history got not one, not two, but three fucking SCOTUS lifetime appointments. Now go ahead and boo! And one of them is a dangerous cultist at that [see: Top 10 #9-12! So yeah this could have some particularly grave ramifications if the MAGAs and right-to-lifers get their way.





You sure that’s how it works there, senator? I don’t know a lot but I am pretty sure that’s not how any of this works. Now here’s where it gets weird because you knew it was going to. This law gives Uber and Lyft drivers the ability to rat out their clients if you are using their vehicles and drivers to drive to an abortion clinic. That’s right – if you’re even thinking of traveling to one by rideshare, you can be found out and go to prison. This is fucking scary.





That is a good point. Now there is some good (…..?) to come out of this. I don’t want you to think this show is all about negativity because that is where we are not. But the good news is that people are fucking pissed off at Texas. Think of Texas like that one guy who walks into the board meeting after the board just voted to fire that member. But this isn’t going away. It’s going to get worse. And people are taking sides – whether you’re for or against the law, the war has just begun. Yeah sing it with me! We’ve only just begun… Oh and Dan Patrick… go fuck yourself. K thanks!






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[font size="8"]Joe Rogan
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You know we need some music for this one!



Yes, a horse is a horse of course of course, and nobody can talk to a horse of course, unless of course that horse is the famous Mr. Joe Rogan! That’s right. The sheer amount of stupid that it takes to not get the vaccine and instead take medication meant for horses five times the size of a normal human is completely unfathomable at this point. I am all out of fucks to give. Yes, he got COVID and yes he’s treating it with that horse paste you’ve all heard about so much. That’s right – they are treating a respiratory infection with horse deworming medicine. I am not making this up. I really wish I was. The thing is though is that you cannot put a price on stupid. But it’s also what happens when you continually deny science and reality in favor of listening to stupid people over experts. Again, like I said I am all out of fucks to give here. But Joe Rogan is going to be OK, because he has money. The rest of us who aren’t as lucky as him won’t be so lucky in the end.





Yes I’m literally using Mr. Ed clips and images for this entry. Because look people, you’re not a horse, you’re not a pig, you’re not a cow. Yes, you can point out that ivermectin was approved for use in human treatment but it was only approved to get rid of parasites! It’s not meant to rid yourself of a deadly virus, OK? And why do we have to get the law involved in this? You’re the ones who are listening to idiots telling you it’s OK to take horse deworming medicine available at your local feed store.





Excuse me a minute… yes that was an actual show by the way! And come on there’s no cover up here, you’re not a horse! I could see you taking ivermectin if you’re Mr. Ed but you’re not. But here’s the thing too if you are going to proceed with taking ivermectin – you’re not Joe Rogan either. You don’t have a $100 million Spotify payday. So if you do take this drug to cure your COVID woes, you should know the things that it’ll do to you – and none of them are things you particularly want.





Excuse me a minute… OK go ahead and take that horse dewormer, we won’t stop you! Don’t be surprised when you’re eating through a feeding tube and using a colostomy bag when the ivermectin turns your small intestine into liquid shit. But remember hydroxychloroquine? That emerged when Former Guy suggested it after telling people to drink bleach? Yeah fool me once shame on you. Fool me ten thousand times, you were probably brainwashed by social media propaganda!






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[font size="8"]Anti-Vaxxers
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In case people forgot we’re still in a pandemic, one that isn’t going away any time soon. But those of us who are doing the responsible thing are getting to leave the house and enjoy life again, even if it is cautiously. Then there are those of us who are doing the wrong thing. And that’s exactly what they are doing here – the wrong thing. And you know what? Is it wrong for me to wish that these people get the absolute worst possible case of it? Because they’re not really saving anybody and actually putting more people in harm’s way and giving the virus new opportunities to mutate. But this shit with school boards and vaccine mandates is absolute madness. I mean I can only watch it and provide somewhat humorous commentary on the situation. But this shit makes me angry. And it ain’t going away any time soon.





Seriously – what could go wrong? Plenty especially gather a thousand unvaccinated people in the middle of downtown Vegas and see what happens. It’s infuriating. And look, fuck these people. I can’t say that enough. Nobody is forcing you to do anything. We’re taking the vaccine and complying with health protocols because it’s the right thing to do! And this isn’t an isolated incident. It’s happening everywhere, these people are fired up and they’re not going away anytime soon.





Yeah you’re right – the people of Georgia could do better! But as we have seen time and time again in the last four years – these are the people who are proud of being assholes and voted because they wanted to “make the other side cry”. That’s the kind of shithead we’re dealing here. And by the way, anyone else surprised that stabbings are taking place at these events? I mean look what happened in my hometown of LA last week. If you hang with the Proud Boys, you’re gonna get stabbed. It just goes with the territory.





Yes shit! These people are fucking insane. And if you think this is strictly an American problem, I am here to tell you – you are wrong. When you have these assholes crashing school board meetings and protesting health restrictions, they are everywhere! And as I said don’t expect them to go away any time soon. The anti-vaccine movement runs deep and we’re looking at people playing with a ticking time bomb biological weapon here. It’s gonna get ugly before this is over.






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[font size="8"]Afghanistan: Trump V Biden
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Look… the situation in Afghanistan was a clusterfuck, but it’s exactly what military experts predicted it would be. Of course your average armchair military “expert” who’s never served a day in his or her life wouldn’t even know that. And speaking of armchair military experts, is anyone else sick and tired of hearing about what Former Guy would have done? He can go on Hannity and brag all he wants about the things he “could have” done, but nobody gives a shit! We voted you out of office because we were tired of hearing about what you would have / could have / should have done! So fuck off. We have a president who is actually doing something about the situation. And what I don’t want to hear is the would/could/should bullshit coming from the Former Guy. Yeah you would have done this, but guess what? You didn’t. Shut up.





Yeah shut the hell up please! The adults are in charge now, let them be in charge! If you want to go play armchair general, there’s plenty of places where you can live out your fantasy online! Don’t be surprised when the computer simulation fails you too, Donny. And come on, speaking of embarrassments, he’s one to talk! His entire administration was an embarrassment from day one and 8 months afterward we’re still dealing with his bullshit!





Unfortunately no. And you are aware we put safety measures in place to keep unauthorized people from using that equipment, right, Donny? But then again Donny never reads the memo, does he? I mean seriously, dude, do you even know what a setup is? Me personally I think I’ve seen enough true crime and murder mystery shows to know what a setup is. But come on Trump, you can attempt to erase history all you want, but we’re in the age of the internet, and there are no take backs!





Thank you Arnold! But can we seriously stop with Trump’s “statements” on what he would have done in Afghanistan? And his statements make no fucking sense no matter which way you look at it. And we’ve seriously spent almost 5 years trying to decipher his bullshit. But you know what? It can’t be done! No matter how hard you try! I don’t speak stupid and don’t even make a point to try so it can be really tough to try. Seriously, his plan makes no sense.






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[font size="8"]Latest Capitol Riot News
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We’ve been saying for the last few editions of the Top 10 that the Capitol Riot is the gift that keeps on giving. Yes, the events of that day were extremely horrible and it’s hard to think of just how close we came to losing democracy. But watching the cavalcade of the MAGA community getting arrested and Trump’s world come crashing down on him has been well, priceless. My personal favorite story as of lately involves Jacob Chansley, the guy who is known as the “Q Anon Shaman”. Remember that douchebag? Yeah we’ve covered him extensively here so there is no need to link to past Top 10 lists for that. But guess what? He’s tired of being known as the “Q Anon Shaman” and has pled guilty to his involvement in the riots. But have you heard this conspiracy? It goes all the way to the (now former) president! Yes, that guy!





Come on dude did you really think that Trump would pardon you before you decided that you were going to murder Congress people and possibly the vice president? Did you? That’s a kind of stupid I can’t even possibly imagine. But here’s a new angle on the riots that I had not heard before – apparently Pence’s office got flooded with e-mails asking for Trump to be removed from office after the riots! Of course Pence hears ya, Pence don’t care!





Yeah Pence hears ya, Pence don’t care. But guess what? They’re planning a rally September 18th at the Capitol in support of… political prisoners! Really? These people who assaulted journalists and attempted to murder Capitol Police and threatened to hang the vice president are “political prisoners”? No. they’re just your regular run of the mill crooks. And if you ask me they’re getting off light. At least the FBI is taking this latest threat seriously!





Oh and if that’s not enough, the Capitol Rioters are taking their fight international! That’s right – the American right is taking their fight to… Brazil. I mean come on they already have a right wing troll as their president, Jair Bolsonaro. Come on, the Brazilian right is imitating the American right so hard that they already have their own version of CPAC. I shit you not, we’re covering that next week. But don’t think for a minute that Bolsonaro has learned from Trump, because he has. And it’s getting scary.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit:
[br] [/font] [br]

Just one month away! Don’t forget: Sunday at 4:00 PM pacific time / 1:00 PM eastern time!



Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know I’ve mentioned in my last several sermons about the forthcoming Holy War between supporters of good and supporters of evil. And by evil, I mean the supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One! Yes, that individual – a man so disgusting, evil, and grotesque that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! Now that we got that out of the way, his supporters are getting violent and more dangerous. They think that the fight for culture is literally a war for the very SOUL of this great nation of ours! But you should know, my congregation, what your local religious right is up to because they’re getting scary. And if your religious friends start spewing this stuff in public, you should know where they got their propaganda from!





You think? Well here’s the difference – these people think they are JAYSUS and are doing the LAWRD’s work here! Now let’s examine the language being used here. They keep using the words “war” and “warrior” a lot. Does that imply that we’re fighting a war? No that’s because a war is when two armies are fighting! It’s kind of sad when one side keeps playing the same message over and over and the other side does what they can to fight that nonsense. It’s pure madness!





Hooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit! That is seriously scary what Brother Josh is alluding to! Because he’s not fucking around here. These are not the words of a compassionate Christian preacher, these are the words of a genocidal maniac. That’s right – you get nothing, you lose, good day sir! As if their words are getting worse, as if that’s not enough in this corner – there’s Jack Hibbs, and wait until you hear what a good compassionate conservative he is!







Wow, that is insane! The rhetoric coming from the right and far right churches is just getting worse and worse. And that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now is it? JAYSUS would want us to respect our fellow man. But some of us on the other side don’t do that. They would rather throw all of their weight behind one of the most disgusting, unholy, ungodly people to ever exist. The man is… what one might call “pure evil”.





But as long as they are selling out for the Dark One, they have no shame and will never feel bad about themselves. These people are vile and vicious and it’s going to get worse. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Tito Ortiz

[br] [/font] [br]


This week’s This Fucking Guy is Tito Ortiz. If you follow the UFC at all, you know that he used to be one of their top fighters selling out arenas. Now he’s selling out for Q Anon. As the Trump loving former mayor pro temp of Huntington Beach, California. As we say here in California, Huntington Beach is the Myrtle Beach of Daytona Beaches. Lots of racist white people inhabiting the sands. In case you’re wondering what his credentials are – he basically says what the MAGA crowd wants to hear, which is the only requirement to get anywhere in that party. Oh and he’s also been featured on PPV. I guess maybe too many blows to the head are why he’s in the Former Guy party? But he made the news because he’s clearly a product of social media brainwashing. Like really, tell me you’re in a deranged cult without telling me that you’re in a deranged cult.





Seriously is it my imagination or does the alt right use more Nazi imagery and Hitler comparisons than the fucking History Channel does? Yeah I’m not saying it’s the Nazis…. But it’s the Nazis. However Mr. Ortiz was more than just a crazy person who keeps spewing MAGA talking points. In fact he’s part of a plot by right wingers to use UFC fighters to convert Latino voters. There’s also this fucking guy Beneil Darisuh – another MMA fighter who is using his platform to promote dangerous conspiracy theories!





But that said, the city of Huntington Beach in the last four years – and particularly the last two – has earned a bit of a reputation. It’s the home of the west coast KKK and has attracted lots of right wing rallies to their streets. In fact the current mayor accused Mr. Ortiz of playing to right wing white supremacists in a virtual town hall meeting back in April. So is Huntington Beach the Myrtle Beach of California? Oh you bet your ass it is!





Oh people stop your rabbling! But here’s where it gets weird, and you knew that it was going to! And this is part of an emerging trend with MAGA politicians is that they are fucking clueless. Just look at Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene. The thing is if you see a MAGA / Q Anon far right person like Tito Ortiz, don’t hesitate for a second to vote for the next person on the ballot. Because they are so terrible that they’ll likely quit or resign because everyone hates them. That’s the life of a MAGA politician!





So yeah tell that to Mr. Ortiz – he may be a MAGA favorite but he’s so insane that it took two recall votes against him before he finally resigned. That’s Tito Ortiz – this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
[br] [/font] [br]



Welcome back to the segment that attempts to take a crack at explaining the unexplainable – Conspiracy Corner! Hello everyone we are coming at you live from our underground doomsday shelter deep in the heart of the New Mexico badlands – undisclosed location of course! Just let me adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah there we go! You know when it comes to following all things Q Anon, you know that we haven’t followed enough. Because things are getting weirder and nuttier with that crew. So much that their own convention got booted from Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Gee, you think maybe being associated with treason weasels would be really bad for business? I thought so too!





Oh come on, even President Camacho had more integrity than these dolts do! But here’s the thing – convention or no convention, Q is an addiction and it’s not one that you want to find your friends or relatives engaging in. Just like if someone is addicted to opioids or meth, being addicted to Q can have complications that can wreak havoc on your social lives and possibly your work or career choices. And chances are that people involved in Q are also up to other really shady activity. So once again chose your friends and enemies wisely.





But in the increasing filing cabinet known as the “where are they now” file, the Q Nuts are getting crazier and crazier especially because their predictions about Trump’s reinstatement simply are not coming true. I mean how much longer are they going to keep peddling *THAT* lie? But our old buddy Mike Lindell is certainly up to his old tricks and we can expect to see more of him even as his funds are very slowly dwindling!





So if you can be addicted to Q Anon, can you be deprogrammed from it? That’s the billion dollar question on the table. Because Q Anon theories are tearing organizations, schools, businesses, and families apart. It’s entirely possible to deprogram someone from being in a cult. But this one is trickier since there’s no central organization involved. And when one spends too much time on social media, well, their mind is already warped.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! Now before we begin this week, I want to talk about what defines a “People Are Dumb” story. So let’s make this clear – a guy getting arrested for a drug possession charge doesn’t qualify you for People Are Dumb. Now if he were to get arrested because he called 911 for someone stealing his crack pipe, that’s a story worthy of People Are Dumb! Someone who gets in a car accident in the McDonalds parking lot, not a People Are Dumb story. On the other hand, someone who destroys the entire restaurant because they ran out of chicken nuggets? Now that’s a People Are Dumb story! I want to start with this story out of Yakima , Washington. Look… here’s the thing if you’re out camping and you need your car fixed, maybe don’t do what this guy did, because you’re gonna have a bad time!





Yup and this dude definitely French fried when he should have pizza’d. Next up – you know we don’t usually talk much about death on this segment. We generally, you know, want people to survive their stupidity. Of course there’s an entire awards program for that, you may have heard of them as the “Darwin Awards”. But this one might be a certified award winner and we go to India for this story. Look no one wants to get pregnant but this guy might have literally “sealed the deal”. See what I did there?





Next up – of course we have some Florida stories for you! Florida – or as Homer Simpson famously referred to it as “America’s Wang” always brings some top quality crazy stories every single week. This week there’s no exception. And what is it with the town of Clearwater? Is someone putting something in the water supply there? We must have at least 2 – 3 stories a week coming from Clearwater. Dating is always fun and games until there’s a high speed pursuit involved!





Next up – sticking in the Sunshine State, who doesn’t want to have some fun with a go kart? I mean come on go karts are more fun than actual driving is sometimes. Even Randal from Clerks knew that driving a go kart was a great escape from reality. But even if you do go joy riding in a go kart, there’s something things that you probably shouldn’t bring with you – drugs and guns. That’s right – all things are bad if drugs and guns are found, even go karts!





Yeah that’s how you should be driving a go kart! Finally this week – once again sticking with the Sunshine State, have you ever seen an unusual parking job and thought that this driver should be forced to retake driver’s training? Well yeah there is that but with the added bonus of a DUI involved! That’s right! What? Come on it is Florida and in the Sunshine State all crazy things happen and I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To Recall: Meet Larry Elder
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Welcome to our new 4 part series detailing the recall election of California governor Gavin Newsom… cue reverb… THE ROAD TO RECALL! Ooh that was some good reverb there! Yes we’re taking a short break from our exploration of the MAGA cult and what they’re up to in Red State Diaries. People, we cannot stress enough how important it is if you’re living in the Golden State to vote and get out the vote. Because the people who are trying to win this election are people who you wouldn’t trust to run a 7-11. And they could do some serious damage to our state if they win on Sept. 14th. But here’s where you really need to vote. The guy who could be California’s next governor is Larry Elder. Yes, that Larry Elder, the right wing Rush Limbaugh wannabe who once called himself the “King Of South Central”. You really want that guy in charge? Where does he stand?





Well fucking duh! Of course he’s going to lie and cheat his way through, he’s a MAGA leaning radio host and Rush Limbaugh Lite! Well one of the key hallmarks of the MAGA movement is being a closet self-loather, and Larry has that in strides. Of course if Larry Elder is elected and the MAGAs somehow take over California, things are going to get more racist and harder for minorities. That’s what happens when people vote for these cretins, but they do anyways!





Yeah no, Larry, you’re not gonna do that. The idea that cops are bad is firmly engrained into American culture. There’s been movies about it, there’s been whole albums about it. There’s been trials. There’s been lots of bad shit said about police. You’re not gong to change anyone’s minds about the police anytime soon. But this might be the single most batshit crazy claim he’s made yet. Just the sheer stupidity is mind boggling!





This is like the chicken arguing in favor of Colonel Sanders! Holy shit! But really elect an abuser like Larry Elder and you’re going to get abused. That’s right – Larry Elder is the subject of a police investigation. I think that might be a built in feature of running MAGA. Because these people are proud assholes and they wear it on their sleeve. Which is why we cannot allow them to get ahold of my state and they’ve been coming for it for years. If they do… the shit is gonna hit the fan.





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]


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[font size="8”]Weezer [/font]


Ladies and gentlemen… I promised myself I wouldn’t cry for this, but the moment is finally here! The triumphant return of live music to our program ! My first guest back is one of the all time greats, they just wrapped the Hella Mega Tour, which was awesome! And they decided to stop by our crappy little program. Playing their song “The End Of The Game” from their album “Van Weezer”, give it up for Weezer!



Thank you Santa Ana! We’re actually returning to our old home at Burbank next week! Plus we have live music from the Zappa Band! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: San Jose Improv, San Jose, CA
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