If we are going to have a death penalty, let's add crimes the death penalty will actually deter

[Kelvin Mace]

Last edited Wed Nov 19, 2014, 11:52 AM - Edit history (1)

Update for folks assuming I am seriously advocating this or wish to engage in a discussion of firearms safety: THIS IS SATIRE! Thank you for your attention.]

One of the top arguments for the death penalty is that it "deters" people from committing heinous crimes, like murder. This is patently not true, since most people kill in the heat of the moment and because getting the death penalty has more to do with your race, the race of your victim and how much of a defense you can afford to pay for.

But let's set that aside and look at crimes where the death penalty would actually deter a crime.

1) Political corruption

If you get caught taking a bribe or abusing the power of your office for personal gain then you should face the death penalty. You were granted a sacred trust by being elected/appointed to public office and you betrayed that trust. Political corruption is absolutely premeditated. The condemned will be slathered in bacon grease then thrown into a pit of jackals. Alternatively, a "first offense" rule may be allowed, wherein the public official is simply branded on the cheek with the name or corporate logo of the person/entity responsible for fomenting the corruption.

2) Injuring or killing someone while "cleaning your gun". A firearm either has bullets in it, or it does not. If it does, you do not "clean it". The penalty in this case will be death by firing squad cleaning their rifles.

3) Killing someone while driving drunk. If you intend to drink, then under no circumstances should you drive. You were sober when you decided to drink, you got drunk, now some one is dead and we need to be sure you NEVER kill anyone else. Means of execution will be drowning in a vat of very cheap beer.

4) Calling a number on the "Do Not Call" list. This one is special for two reasons: First, the penalty for the first ten offenses is not death, but simply removing one finger with an axe. Second, the penalty is applied not to just the telemarketer making the call, but the perpetrator's supervisor and the company CEO. Execution is mandated on the 11th offense, at which time the execution is carried out by 50 angry citizens who have had their time wasted by telemarketers, who will be allowed to beat the condemned to death with a phone receiver (from a pre-1980 pay phone).

5) Rioting because "your team won/lost the big game". Execution is by submerging in a vat containing a slurry made from Hippo feces and cat urine, which is then set on fire.

6) Aiding/abetting the false conviction of an innocent person by means of fraud/deceit/omission. If you have in anyway colluded to convict an innocent person of a capital crime and do so by suppressing/altering evidence, coercing a confession, suborning perjury, or providing false testimony, you are to be executed. Execution to take place immediately after the verdict is rendered, with no appeals allowed. Method of execution is to "humanely" kill you by injecting you with whatever drugs we can find in the medicine cabinets of the jury. In the event that nothing lethal can be found, the jury will simply sit on you until you suffocate.

Special counsel will be provided to the defendant in such cases and must meet one or more of the following qualifications:

a) Be a public defender with ZERO experience in death penalty cases and have a caseload of no less than 100 hours per week.

b) Have a blood alcohol content of no less than .20 during all proceedings.

c) Be an active heroin addict.

d) Be the innocent person you got convicted.

Special counsel may NOT be declined.

These are the crimes *I* think could be deterred by the death penalty. I am sure people around here can think of a few others along with appropriate means of execution.