Heartbreaking: Here's what a U.S. soldier said when asked to justify the war on terror

[Victor_c3]

59. I get what you're saying

I'm sorry for unloading on you and I don't mean this to seem like an attack on you in any manner. If more people thought like you (including our representatives in government) then I wouldn't be in the place I am right now.

however, I hope you don't hold it against the individual Soldiers. I know if nobody shows up to fight a war that there'd be no war, but people join the military for different reasons.

I was born in 1980 and grew up I a right leaning household. My father missed Vietnam by about a year (so he never was in the military or fought in a war) and my grandfather was a WWII Infantryman and never talked about the war. I grew up playing with G.I. Joe and believing that the military was a tool that was a tool used to make the world a better place. I was 11 years old during the first gulf war and saw the sanitized pictures on CNN. I collected the Operation Desert Storm trading cards and ate that sort of thing up. I was 15 during the Dayton Peace Accord (that was when the UN mission in the Balkans was labeled a failure and NATO took over the operation) and I believed in the mission. I was 17 in 1997 when I joined the Army. As I wasn't 18, my parents had to sign a waiver to get me in. I went to basic training during the summer break between my junior and senior year of high school and then I received an Army ROTC scholarship. I just started my senior year of college when the attacks of September 11th occurred. Only a few days before I put in a request to be an Infantry Officer when I graduated college and became a 2nd Lieutenant.

I agreed with our response to September 11th at the time. I was a 21 year old kid and I had no real life experience. I joined the military for the altruistic reason to make the world a better place. My upbringing educated me that this was the reason for US involvement in various military expeditions.

I was doing a years worth of various training at Fort Benning, GA during the buildup and initiation of the war on Iraq. During the time I remember not understanding our focus on that country. I never for a second believed we should have gone into Iraq. I finished up at Fort Benning around May of 2003 and I remember seeing that the war was essentially over. I figured by the time I actually got assigned to a line unit that the war, at the worst, would be as intense as the police action in the Balkans. I still didn't believe in the war but I figured if I got deployed to Iraq that I'd stick to my ideals of making the world a better place.

Fast forward a few months and I was in Iraq in February 2004. We had no idea how intense the war was going to be in a few months and if you looked at pictures of me and my Soldiers, we were all having a great time oblivious to the danger and violence that was to ramp up in April and beyond. We lost our first Soldier in April and everything changed. Our attitudes changed and a level of anger started to ebb in me. The more violence I saw the more my ideals went out the window. I hated the war, I started to hate the Iraqi people, and I just wanted to get home. The more violence I became involved with beyond that point the less I even cared about going home.

For me, shooting and killing people brought out huge feelings of guilt and shame. It was easier to turn off the feelings of disgust and laugh at it than to face it for what it was. I didn't join the Army to become a killer or to be a monster, but that is exactly what I became. I hated waking up in the morning, I hated going on patrol, I relished the adrenaline rush of combat during the brief periods and then became overwhelmed with guilt afterward.

During the course of the 13 months I was deployed my platoon killed 46 people that I know of and wounded the best part of 100. I personally lost 5 Soldiers that were under my command.

I was back home by 6 March 2005 and I hated it. I stayed in the Army until 2007 and then attempted to live a normal civilian life. I did alright for about the first 4 or 5 months then everything started to go down hill for me . I started having all sorts of wonderful PTSD symptoms and, slowly over the years until June of 2014, I got worse and worse. On 25 June 2014 I attempted suicide after a fight with my wife. She called me a "killer and a coward" and I went bonkers. I ran to the basement and got a utility razorblade from my tool box, ran back up and proceeded to slash the shit out of my wrists and spray my wife with my blood. I did four deep cuts on my left wrists, switched the blade into my other hand so I could destroy my right wrists, managed one cut before my mangled hand dropped the blade. I intended to go for my neck next and that saved me. When you cut a major artery or vein the pressure is unbelievable. It was like a hose spraying blood everywhere. My wife, the walls, the ceiling, the floor was totally covered in blood. As I was doing a lap around the house to spray my blood over everything my oldest daughter (she was 5 at the time) came out of her room and looked at me. Up until that moment my next plan was to run into the woods, hide, and die before anyone could save me. However, when I saw my daughter I grabbed my left wrist and squeezed as much as hard as I could to slow the bleeding. I ran outside and started pacing and yelling at my wife about the war like a crazy person while I waited for the ambulance.

I've spent roughly 6 months out of the last 18 spending times in various psych wards and my daily life is hell. The number one reason I'm still alive and my wife sticks around is because my disability income is the sole financial support for my wife and kids.

I guess it's just karma coming back to get me which, when I look back at it all, seems incredibly unfair. I didn't join the Army to be a killer, but that is exactly what I became. I did everything right according to my upbringing. I joined the Army to make the world a better place instead I found myself to be the sucker.

Again, I'm sorry for unloading on you and I don't mean this to seem like an attack on you in any manner. If more people thought like you (including our representatives in government) then I wouldn't be in the place I am right now.

I hate it when people thank me for my military service. It is nothing but an area of pain and shame. I believe that an apology from those who supported those wars in more appropriate.