Hi, SDs! It's me, Bernie!

[NanceGreggs]

Dear Super-Delegates:

My name is Bernie Sanders, and I am a Democrat – well, currently – kinda, sorta.

Anyway, I am running on the Democratic ticket, and I assume a lot of you are not endorsing me because you don’t know me. That’s okay – most people don’t. Even though I’ve been all over the news for a year now, I still like to use the “nobody knows me” line as an explanation for why I am not winning.

I am writing to let you know that despite being hundreds of delegates and millions of votes behind Hillary Clinton, the truth is that most people want me to be the nominee. If you look at the on-line polls, you’ll readily see that I am way more popular than she is. Just because her supporters actually go to the polls to vote, that shouldn’t be taken as some kind of sign. A bird landing on your podium while you’re speaking – now that’s a sign. But having more people vote for you shouldn’t be given more weight than it deserves. In fact, it shouldn’t be given any weight at all.

I know that I started my campaign saying that super-delegates are undemocratic and shouldn’t be allowed as part of the voting process. But once I started losing really badly, I realized how wrong I was. Quite frankly, I think all of you guys are great Democrats and outstanding patriots, and should be completely free to totally ignore that much-touted “will of the people” bullshit and vote for me instead.

I appreciate that a lot of you are a tad upset about the threatening emails and phone calls – but that just goes to show you how passionate my supporters are. If they call you vile names and say obnoxious things, it’s just their enthusiasm coming through – often couched in terms like “you’re a f*ckin’ moron”, or “why is your head shoved so far up your own ass?” Ya know, these millennial kids – they tend to use colourful language.

People say I haven’t been “vetted”. This is not true. Despite the fact that nobody knows me, everybody knows I’m a great guy. But if you feel you need more information about me, I can provide whatever documentation you require – and whatever records are not available are clearly due to my wife’s incompetence.

As you are no doubt fully aware, there are polls that confirm that I am the strongest candidate when it comes to beating Trump in November. The fact that I can’t beat Hillary in the primaries should not be taken as an indication of anything - other than that primary voters are incredibly stupid and should never be listened to by anyone.

When you ignore (as you should) people who vote in red states, Confederate states, “southern states” like New York and Ohio, and all the other states where I’ve had my ass kicked, it becomes abundantly clear that Bernie Sanders is the Party’s best hope of beating the Republicans in the general election.

Much has been made of the fact that my campaign, supporters, and surrogates have regularly accused Democrats of being corrupt, self-serving, lying whores who have banded together in a nation-wide conspiracy whose sole purpose is undermining my bid for the nomination. But for the sake of unifying the Party, I believe it is imperative that we just let bygones be bygones, and forget everything I’ve said in the past.

And so I appeal to all of you to do the right thing and rally behind ME, Bernie Sanders, the man who couldn’t win the primary – but can win the general election without breaking a sweat. Really!