Got another of my Swiftian letters accepted by the local paper... [View All]

[Jackpine Radical]

Dear Editor:
Lately I’ve heard a lot of local members of the Republican faithful starting to sound afraid of what might happen on November 2. A few polls have shown Kerry narrowing the gap and picking up speed, so some people are beginning to panic.

Frankly, I don't get it. Why is anybody even worried about how we're doing? A lot of the so-called "battleground states" aren't even in play, if you really know what's going on. Take Ohio, for example. Wally O'Dell (Diebold CEO) guaranteed to deliver the state into our hands regardless of the popular vote, with his magical touchscreen voting machines.

And Florida--good Heavens--Florida overcame the small nuisance of a Democratic majority last time, and they will do it again. Does anybody think Jeb can't deliver HIS state? We have the new and improved Felons list (baby, if your name is Tyrone Jackson you ain't votin' in FL), not to mention Diebold, ES&S & Sequoia machines all lined up to deliver the vote for us in the critical counties.

So chill, everyone. Like Lenin said, it isn't how the votes are cast that matters. It's how the votes are counted. And we have everything going for us.

{Jackpine}