Reply #4: Here are a few. [View All]

[Meldread]

"The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
-- Lynn Lavner, stand-up Comic


"When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one."
-- Epitaph of Leonard P. Matlovich, 1988


"My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share."
-- Rita Mae Brown


"You could move."
-- Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to "improve the quality of the neighborhood." (Okay, so Dear Abby isn't a lesbian to my knowledge, but hey... I really like that responce. :P)


"I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother."
-- Charles Pierce, 1980


"That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure."
-- Denise McCanles


"Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole."
-- Judy Carter, stand-up Comic


"I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, "Well, hey, we don't have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?" I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: "Why don't we have a Kid's Day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a Kid's Day?" My mom would always say, "Every day is Kid's Day." To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not piss on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?"
--Rob Nash


"An engineering professor is treating her husband, a loan officer, to dinner for finally giving in to her pleas to shave off the scraggly beard he grew on vacation. His favorite restaurant is a casual place where they both feel comfortable in slacks and cotton/polyester-blend golf shirts. But, as always, she wears the gold and pearl pendant he gave her the day her divorce decree was final. They're laughing over their menus because they know he always ends up diving into a giant plate of ribs but she won't be talked into anything more fattening than shrimp.

Quiz: How many biblical prohibitions are they violating? Well, wives are supposed to be 'submissive' to their husbands (I Peter 3:1). And all women are forbidden to teach men (I Timothy 2:12), wear gold or pearls (I Timothy 2: 9) or dress in clothing that 'pertains to a man' (Deuteronomy 22:5). Shellfish and pork are definitely out (Leviticus 11: 7, 10) as are usury (Deuteronomy 23:19), shaving (Leviticus 19:27) and clothes of more than one fabric (Leviticus 19:19). And since the Bible rarely recognizes divorce, they're committing adultery, which carries the rather harsh penalty of death by stoning (Deuteronomy 22:22).

So why are they having such a good time? Probably because they wouldn't think of worrying about rules that seem absurd, anachronistic or - at best - unrealistic. Yet this same modern-day couple could easily be among the millions of Americans who never hesitate to lean on the Bible to justify their own anti-gay attitudes."
-- Deb Price, And Say Hi To Joyce


"They are preserving the sanctity of marriage, so that two gay men who've been together for twenty-five years can't get married, but a guy can still get drunk in Vegas and marry a hooker at the Elvis chapel! The sanctity of marriage is saved!"
-- Lea DeLaria


"What do you mean, you 'don't believe in homosexuality?' It's not like the Easter Bunny; your belief isn't necessary."
-- Lea DeLaria


"One wedding cake designer I called said, 'We specialize in elaborate beautiful white flowers all over the cake.' So I said, 'I should tell you, this is for two men.' There was a slight pause and she said, 'I can put little baseball players all over it?'"
-- Mark Harris


"My mother tells people, 'My daughter... is a comedian... and a lesbian. Both... at the same time.'"
-- Elvira Kurt


"I love Christians who tell me something sweet and Christian, like, 'You're going to hell!' It's not hard for me to picture gay hell. 'The scorching wind from the fiery pit messed up my hair, there's no mousse? No blow-dryer? This is hell! There's nothing on TV but Hee Haw. My furniture is from Levitz! I'm living in a trailer park! Aaaah!'"
-- Danny McWilliams


"Wherever it has been established that it is shameful to be involved with sexual relationships with men, that is due to evil on the part of the rulers, and to cowardice on the part of the governed."
-- Plato


"Gays started with the Renaissance. It was probably two gay guys at a party saying, 'Wouldn't it be fun to make religious paintings of hot naked guys, and sell them to churches? Oh, that would be a hoot!'"
-- Bob Smith


"I came out to my family on Thanksgiving. I said, mom, please pass the gravy to a homosexual. She passed it to my father. A terrible scene ensued."
-- Bob Smith