Reply #58: No surgery for me, no MRI either. And we're fucking broke. [View All]

[Systematic Chaos]

I have been really struggling emotionally this past few weeks, and I know that my diet is suffering horribly for it. I have made a firm and resolute decision that this has got to stop. Now. Today.

Those of you who have been following my posts here over the course of time know that my pattern is to go into hiding when things get bad and just sort of give up. When I finally do come back, it's usually with me in even worse shape than I was in before. I don't want to go through that again. I'm tired of it. I want to make progress and have something to feel good about. I want to make Jeanette proud and let her know just how important it is to me that I start pulling my weight (pun intended) again.

So, that's why I'm posting this now. I promised that I would check back in here with an update on my shoulder problems and my upcoming leg surgery. Well, since there's not going to be much more forthcoming in the way of help with any of that, I guess it's time to rely on myself. Just as I figured, I went to the place where my MRI was scheduled, and even though the tech said that the bench you lay on for them to put you in the magnet would hold 550 lbs., it became all too clear I still wasn't going to fit in there. The tech put a sheet over my whole body as a way to allow me to slide in easier, but even with that I had my shoulders scrunched together as far as they would go and my arms up on top of my body in a completely unnatural position, my left shoulder on fire throughout, and still I could see that either I was going to become stuck in that passage or I was going to get seriously hurt. They let me out and I promised that I would reschedule with them once I got down to 425 or less.

I got a real shitkicker of a surprise the next day, though. The place called me back and the lady on the phone asked if I wanted to reschedule. I restated to her that I couldn't do that right away because I had to lose a significant amount of weight before trying again, and she replied to that by telling me that my paperwork had me down as unable to complete the test due to claustrophobia! It took great effort for me not to come unhinged, but I managed to keep my cool and asked her to have the documentation changed to reflect that I simply couldn't fit in the device. The last thing I need is for someone to start building a case that I was in fact able to get this diagnosed - even with the help of a pile of xanax - when the truth of the matter is something completely different. I don't know... I just get so royally pissed off over people's lack of thoroughness and attention to detail and petty little mistakes when my back is already to the wall and I'm trying as hard as I can to do all this shit I'm supposed to do.

At least my primary doctor is a great guy at heart. He is, month by month, ramping up my pain patches to a dose which will be effective without actually killing me. And he's also great for supplying me with samples of the more expensive medications he has me on. But even with that, we're to the point where Jeanette is having to call the utility companies and beg them for payment arrangements just so we can keep everything turned on. In response to all this, I'm cutting back on my visits to wound care and the lymphedema clinic until we're in better shape because even without a copay I'm still looking at $3.50 or $4 per day in paratransit fare, and those rates are going up next year. Multiply that by four trips per week and then four weeks per month, and just going to all this crap is nearly $60 per month. Then throw in all the other things I've been asked to provide for myself, like betadine to soak my feet in that costs a minimum of $20 a gallon, plus the saline to go with it, and all this other crap we can't cover, and I end up haunted by these feelings that somehow I'm inadequate or unworthy because of demands I can't meet. And there's how many millions of us in this country going through the same thing? And then they have the nerve to wonder why our society as a whole is so dysfunctional! :grr:

So that leaves me with trying to get my eating habits back on track - and I admit that with all the stress I've been facing lately I've just gone off the deep end - and exercise. My incumbent exercise bike was out of commission for a long time because the AC power cord was badly frayed. I didn't even know if I could repair it, but the other day I tried with a roll of electrical tape and the help of my teeth to strip the wires. To my surprise I actually have the thing working again. So this evening I'm going to bite the shoe leather and get on there and pedal for a bit. I'm going to try for 15 minutes at a low resistance setting and only as fast as I feel I can comfortably go, and pray that my hips don't do anything funny in the meantime. There are times when my hips feel like they're in contention with my left shoulder for some kind of prize, but it only makes sense that getting some of this weight off will help. I only hope they don't try going completely out on me because then I'll be totally immobile and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

So, that's my life story lately. There's not going to be any kind of Christmas at all in the house this year, but I've decided that my gift to both Jeanette and I will be to keep soldiering on and not grow totally despondent like I'm prone to do. My other gift - perhaps the biggest one of all for me this year - will be the support that all you regulars here so willingly give me. I will be sure to come back tomorrow to let you all know how the exercise works out and to thank any and all of you who respond to this.

Cheers! :grouphug:

Edited to clean up a couple typos.