Reply #74: Another +1 [View All]

[DeschutesRiver]

I remember hitting this point with my own mother over an issue when I was younger. After a lot of "stuff" and discussion and anger and getting ostracized for not toeing their line, I made a call and tried again. Didn't work. And I told my mom that only one of us was going to cry and be miserable because they didn't get their way on this issue. And that it was my life, my destiny, and that she was going to be the one to cry, not me. I was going to do X, nothing illegal, immoral or untoward, just something she didn't want me to do.

I wasn't going to live my life as she dictated in order to make her happy - I chose to live it as I saw fit. Yep, this ultimately was one of many factors that lead to a permanent estrangement. And my life became better than it ever could have, had I done nothing but live it her way in order to keep the peace.

I wish I'd had real parents who didn't force their choices onto their offspring by using these conditional love techniques - I'd give anything to have real parents, or at least not to have known that if I didn't do X as they demanded, they were completely fine with ostracizing me forever. That is one of the saddest days when you see that clearly. But who you are born to is random, and you can choose to find those who are not into being conditional in exchange for the gift of having a close relationship with them.

Good luck - I know how hurtful this is, and I do hope you can turn it around. But know that if you can't, it isn't the end of the world, it is the beginning of you being fully you. There is simply no greater gift in life than that.