I am pleased to announce that I am running for president. [View All]

[originalpckelly]

I know that this will be an uphill battle. In fact, I may be climbing along the underside of this, but I assure you I have suction cup shoes, and I will be victorious in the end.

My platform will be very simple, it will be like the legs of a stool:
1. If another nation acts up, we will bong them back to the stoned age.

2. Head Start: Lockup, why wait for our children to fall through the cracks in our country AND THEN end up in prison, when we could simply send them there preemptively? This is why I pledge to increase our prison population to 5% of the total national population within the first 4 years of my presidency. I will accomplish this in part by imprisoning children in poorer neighborhoods the day they arrive at the Head Start: Lockup program. Classes will include: learning to make shanks, getting leverage over your fellow inmates, and of course, taking advantage of the weaker members of the prison population.

3. I will establish a dangerous toys commission. Too many of our children are walking around fully intact, losing a finger here and there adds character, and more importantly, it really fucks with little kids later on in life when you do that thumb thing, and there isn't a thumb really there. In addition, those little smart asses might believe you next time you say you've got their nose.

4. National Grave Dancing Service: Unfortunately, there are some people in our nation who have no living family/friends at the time of death, these poor people do not have anyone to dance on their graves. That's why I propose a national benefit for those who fall into this category, to hire someone to dance on their graves when they die. And each grave dancer will be required to learn about the person whose grave they are going to dance on, that way they can truly hate them.

5. The most important part of my platform is tax cuts for individuals earning above $250,000 a year. I propose to completely eliminate all taxes on individuals above this amount, and I believe it is necessary for the USA to create a tax credit for these individuals. The money for this new tax credit can come from a new tax levied on anyone making less than $20,000 a year. This way, we can ensure that the people who create jobs in the economy, have enough money to create more jobs. Plus, they have promised to release my family if I accomplish this.

6. I am finally going to switch the USA off of this archaic system of measures and go to the Ancient Egyptian system. Hey, say what you will, they built the Pyramids with those units and lots of whips. It sort of reminds me of a night at a favorite club of mine.

7. We are finally going to put a man on the moon, in this decade, not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

Now, I know you're saying that not many (if any) stools have seven legs, but they will when I'm president!

My name is Wilson Truman Fowler, and with this platform, I am sure to be elected in 2013.

WTF 2013

I have just been informed that the election occurs in 2012, not 2013. That really throws my whole plan off, but I guess I could try it.

Who's with me?

WTF 2012!