Congressional Panel to Study Proposed ‘News Corp/NSA Merger’ [View All]

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Satire from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2011/07/congressional-panel-to-study-proposed-%E2%80%98news-corpnsa-merger%E2%80%99/

Beltway insiders expect the heat level in the lingering debate over privatization of government programs to reach unprecedented heights later this week when the Oversight Subcommittee of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence convenes an initial hearing on a proposal to privatize the National Security Agency.

It is widely believed that, should the measure pass, Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation would be the clear frontrunner to acquire either the most lucrative government contract to date, or perhaps even the NSA itself. In fact, many Subcommittee staffers are already referring to the measure as ‘the News Corp/NSA merger’ and ‘Murdoch’s intelligence takeover’.

While passage out of the Oversight Committee is all but assured by its 5-3 Republican majority, the apoplectic minority led by Ranking Member Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) is expected to mount a vigorous opposition. But with Committee Chairman Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA) and his Tea Party Caucus colleague Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-TP) committed to pledges of reduced government and spending cuts, their screams of ‘bloody murder’ are expected to fall on deaf ears.

“How anybody could conceive of turning over what is perhaps our most vital intelligence agency in the War on Terror to a company currently embroiled in a scandal where they not only committed the most unspeakable forms of invasion of privacy, but apparently may have broken many laws in doing so is incomprehensible to me,” Schakowsky told reporters during the short break between a blood-pressure check and a Valium injection. “And to say that it will save the taxpayers money when nobody, not even Congress, knows what the NSA’s actual budget is defies logic as well.”

But those arguments don’t hold water as far as Westmoreland is concerned. “First, let me just point out that Mr. Murdoch has, in a comparatively short time, put together one of the world’s foremost intelligence gathering operations. Not only are they hacking almost as many phone calls as the NSA is and getting a hold of people’s private records and communications seemingly at will, but he also turns a tidy profit doing it. I doubt many will question that he has found a more efficient way of doing things than our government bureaucracy has.”

When asked about the accusations and, in some cases, admissions of misconduct by News Corporation subsidiary News International and the developing scandal in England, the Chairman responded, “Two words: PATRIOT Act. The Brits don’t have it, we do. All legal.”

Speaking at a campaign rally in Des Moines, Iowa, Subcommittee member and current 2012 GOP Presidential frontrunner Michele Bachmann culled her words into a form her supporters can relate to:

“The American people must no longer be slaves to government run national security. We have a ‘PATRIOT Act’ because we are a nation of patriots. Just like those great New Hampshire patriots battled against slavery at Bunker Hill and The Little Big Horn, it is private citizens – the patriots of today, under the leadership of Rupert Murdoch – another great American – who must restore our nation to security, not a bunch of government bureaucrats.”

July 12th, 2011 | Tags: Jan Schakowsky, Lynn Westmoreland, Michele Bachmann, National Security Agency, News Corp., News International, NSA, phone hacking, Rupert Murdoch, Select Cmmittee on Intelligence | Category: Homeland Security, Media, Politics, Satire