I have a question about friendship. I probably know the answer,

[saracat]

but I'd still like to hear another point of view. I have a very close friend who expressed constant concern about the financial condition of my husband and myself. My husband lost his job after 26 years and we lost our benefits. My husband is trying to establish himself in Real Estate but it has been very rough going. I developed a medical condition that requires care and we are spending most of our money on insurance that we purchased with the help of our Doctor pulling records. My friend says that she is very grateful for all the things we have done for her and wanted my husband to sell her mother's home.

She knew that we had been through a previous situation where a "friend" listed with my husband and used him to help with yard work because he was a friend. They decided that he was inexperienced and decided to tear up their contract the same day he helped them complete their yard! My friend thinks these are awful people. She stated that she would never do such a thing. She had my husband do all the paperwork and make all the contacts for her Mom's house which involves a receivership so it was tricky. She then told me she was dumping my husband . She shouldn't " mix business and friendship." I was insulted. I told her to tell my husband herself.She did so but stated that if she ever sold her house she would let him do it as that was different.

She just sent me, as part of a group, an email asking for advice on how to pack as she is moving.
What action do I take? I haven't spoken to her as I felt insulted for my husband and I felt betrayed, but I did recently respond to some emails.

[tibbir]

1. I don't know, I'd start not reading emal for a while.

[saracat]

3. Well, I was so stunned, I replied with where and did she sell her house!

I don't think I should just ignore what she has done.

[tibbir]

7. Is there a way you can talk with her

and tell her your take on what's happened and how it made you feel?

[tibbir]

5. Seriously, I agree that it's dangerous to do business with friends.

I'm a CPA and a lot of my friends look to me to do their tax returns. I won't do them unless I plan not to charge anything. Also, what happens if there's a problem and my friend feels like I made a mistate...that cost him/her damages. It'd kind of put stress on our friendship if they felt that they had to sue me. I hardly ever make a mistake, and the ones I have were totally insignificant, but it's a consideration.

[sandnsea]

2. So sorry

It's weird, we've made some great friends of people we met through business. But we don't do business with current friends. Except kids and then we do that for free. Business and friendship is really weird, it's true. We either give away our services to friends or tell them we're incredibly busy. It just never seems to work out well.

And real estate IS a tough business to get going in, very tough. From my observations anyway. My mom tried it for a while, she couldn't do it because she felt guilty putting young families in homes with monthly payments so high. And that was 20 years ago! I wish you lots of luck with both his real estate venture and your illness.

[saracat]

4. Thank you. It is weird. One of the reasons he is having trouble is he

keeps helping poor people. And that has made us poor!

[sandnsea]

6. Yes, true

My husband is just like that. If the time he spent helping poor people with their computer problems were spent rousting up new internet accounts, well...

Nice thing though, poor people help poor people. We just did my daughter's wedding for $2,000. No way in the world could we have pulled that off without the help of alot, alot of poor and moderate income people.

Besides, what would you do with a whole bunch of money? Buy junk that would end up in the dumpster in two years and add more to the world's pollution problems? Bah, I'm happy the way I am. (Medical conditions and the boatload of money you need for that, aside)

[jdots]

9. Real Estate is pretty cut throat

If friends to buisness with friends things have to be layed out first,what these people did to your husband is a sign they were not friends or willing to sell thier house with a professional .THINGS WILL GET BETTER I PROMISS !!!!! this greed thing will burn out and we will all get back to life again.

[saracat]

10. Another reason to talk to her might be her commitment to my husband

concerning the sale of the house. I can't ask him yet but I seem to remember her signing a contract. This also hurts because we really need the money1 My husband has taken on a night job paying seven dollars an hour and he has a masters degree!

[DemBones DemBones]

8. She's not your friend. Don't waste any more time on her.

I had a "friend" much like her and I finally woke up and started being "busy" when she wanted to get together. It hurts a lot to be betrayed by someone who seemed to care, and I still feel hurt when I remember, but I'm glad to have gotten out of that relationship.

As for her e-mail asking advice on packing, you could just write back and tell her to stuff it all up her hypocritical, two-faced ass. . .

:evilgrin:


but you probably won't, because you're nicer than she is.

Good luck, you deserve it after being treated like that.

[saracat]

11. You know, I really like your reply! It has just the right touch!

I did feel bad initially and was almost going to talk to her when I got this email. She had been a close friend for Ten Years. Sigh. She even initially asked if this would ruin our friendship and I said "probably". I wonder why she did it? She was always talking about " real friendship" and how rare it was. She said we were task mates who were placed to help one another. This is too bizarre even for her.

[DemBones DemBones]

13. My former friend also talked about "real friendship" a lot,

and said we were "soul mates" and "sisters." We were friends nearly twenty years before I finally gave up on her. Looking back, there were always some nagging little things, things I just tried to gloss over, telling myself "Nobody's perfect."

My final conclusion was that she looks at other people as props in her world and doesn't understand that they are real people with feelings. I think there are quite a few people like that, actually. Ultimately, I think you have to protect yourself from such people because they will keep injuring you if you don't. Your friend sounds like one of those people to me.

You can't change her -- look at what she's done and how she expects you to knuckle under to her whims! So you either let her treat you that way or chalk up the loss of a "friend" to experience. Some people would say you should confront her and try to solve the problems; I just don't think that works in real life. It might have worked ten years ago, when she first said something a little insensitive.

I'm sorry about it and know it feels bad. :-( Hope an anonymous virtual :hug: can help!

[saracat]

15. Thank You. That virtual hug really did wonders!

I had a talk with a mutual friend who was also dumped by her and she said many of the same things you did, it always helps to know that you are not alone. Thank you .

[Nikia]

12. Was she the only one involved with her mother's house?

She might have received pressure from other people (SO, siblings, other relatives) to not have your husband sell the house. Some people have a hard admitting that they can't stand up to others. Since you are closer to her than your husband is, she might have been more comfortable telling you that she was dumping him rather than telling him.
Her behavior was obviously destructive to your friendship. I think that if you hope to salvage it though, you might have to make the first direct move. Some people are cowards and it permeates everything that they do. She was afraid to stand up to the relatives, she was afraid to tell your husband directly, she is afriad to talk to you directly. Just a guess.

[saracat]

14. Good thinking but no one else was involved.

She was the responsible person the sole arbitrator. She was the guardian conservator.

[cavanaghjam]

16. I don't know if this will help

you in the future, but my experience has been that people who talk about friendship generally want someone to use. My best friends would never admit to me their friendship, though if pressed they would gladly tell of our friendship to a third party. Then again, I am a man. Friendships between women are different. One truth that cuts across gender lines - if you don't risk your heart, it will never be filled; so don't go sour on friendship itself.

[DemBones DemBones]

19. Lots of truth in your post. I think anyone, male or female, who

speaks too often of friendship may be looking for someone to use, just as you say.

Welcome to DU! :hi:

[Nikia]

20. Not necessarily

I think that it depends on the person. Some people say stuff about friendship because they are affectionate with words in general. They tell their SO's how much they mean to them, they tell their family how much they mean to them, and they tell their friends how much they mean to them. They might also be the type to share their feelings about everything with you, so it would be naturual that they'd share their friendship feelings also. Other people talk more about friendship with a friend that seems to be having a rough time emotionally. If someone is complaining that no one cares about them, then friendship reminders are sometimes helpful.

[Droopy]

17. To hell with her.

That's no way to treat a friend. That really pisses me off and I don't even know you.

[AmyDeLune]

18. She sounds just like

someone I know. She is about to be dumped by a number of people for her callous disregard of other's feelings.

Your post made me think of the Oscar Wilde story, "The Devoted Friend"

http://www.planetmonk.com/wilde/happyprince/devotedfriend.html

Best of luck to you! (make sure no one finds the body...;))

[tlcandie]

21. IMO...

issues such as this present themselves for several reasons..

1) Lessons we need to learn wherein we ask what do I need to learn from this so I can grow and move on..

2) Lessons the other person needs to learn so they can grown and move on.


This is how I try to handle all that comes into my life. I first look at myself to see where I might have erred, how I could have done things differently, and how I will do things differently in the future.

Once I'm done with that part then I look to see what TRUTHS the other person might need to be presented with. If you do find there is a truth or truths for the other person, you need to do it out of love and not hurt or the wish to be mean or even setting them straight. So, I always take some time and remove myself from any contact with the other person until I can get past the emotions, hurts, anger and all those issues. Once I feel that I'm back to neutral/balanced and it still feels that there are truths which YOU should be responsbile in presenting to them, then do that with a loving heart. Don't be attached to any expectations or outcome. You do what you think is right, in love, and walk away.

The rest is theirs.

:hug: Light & Love to you and all that is a part of you...