can someone have a crush on your SO, and

[mopinko]

still be your friend?

mine is a pretty complex situation, but i am trying to figure out this one issue.

edited to add- shit happened, now i am trying to decide how much it bothers me. not romantic shit, but loyalty shit.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. Sure. Lots of people have a crush on my SO

:D

[Misunderestimator]

15. What a coincidence....

Lots of people have a crush on mine too. :D

[Maddy McCall]

24. You both are irresistable.

It ought to be illegal. :D

[Wetzelbill]

58. they are

However I couldn't handle either one, so I'm safely out of the picture and dealt with. :)

[Maddy McCall]

23. I do, and I'm straight.

And I have a crush on you, too.

I hope it doesn't cause you two any relationship difficulties.

:evilgrin:

[Misunderestimator]

25. None whatsoever.... bring it on...

:D :hug: :blush:

[Maddy McCall]

27. LOL!

You two are the greatest. :loveya:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

29. Hell...a GAY GUY was raving about how perfect her face is last night!

[Maddy McCall]

30. You'd better watch him. :-)

She does have a beautiful face. Eyes to die for.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

31. It's her cheek and jaw bones and the lines of her face on profile

that really slay me :D

[Maddy McCall]

33. Well, if y'all will come back this way....

and visit, I'll give you my opinion on that.

What's MOST loveable about her (and you) is her attitude and brilliance.

She's a smart cookie. You are, too. I'm proud to call you both friends. :D

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

34. Thanks...right back atcha!

and we'll be back that way...they just don't know how to make an oyster po' boy here

[Misunderestimator]

39. OMG!! Stop!!

:blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush:

[mopinko]

54. threadjackers!

[progmom]

35. heh

:hi:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

36. You want her bad!!!

don't you :D!!!

[progmom]

38. i love you both

madly! :loveya:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

40. I knew that :)

[skygazer]

2. Depends on the situation

We have a friend who for some reason is totally enamored of me but he would never dream of seriously pursuing anything of a romantic nature (and I wouldn't be receptive to it though I think the world of him as a friend).

On the other hand, I had a friend when I was younger who used to deliberately sabotage my relationships by dropping unflattering gossip about me and out and out lies - then she would date the guy. Happened a couple of times before I caught on. That was no friend.

[jobycom]

3. You can't control a crush, you can only control how you react to it

I've had crushes on friends' wives. Although, actually, I make friends better with women than men, so I've had crushes on married women and then became friends with their husbands, though the wife was usually my primary friendship.

I knew the boundaries, I didn't cross them. I doubt my feelings were unknown, but I didn't talk about them or act on them. I don't know what was said out of my hearing, of course, but around me it was never an issue.

Now, if the person with the crush seems to be trying to move in on your SO, that's different. Then they aren't your friend. Or else your SO isn't your SO. One of my few personal enemies is a former friend who went after my spouse. But that wasn't just a crush, that was some pretty blatant horn-dogging.

[Nikia]

5. I agree

If you or your SO do think that the friend is crossing those boundaries, you might want to talk with him/her and give him/her a chance to be more careful about his/her behavior. If the friend is doing a good job of controlling his/her behavior, it shouldn't be a problem. Some people will be good friends regardless of their feelings and would be loyal to your friendship. You may also want to talk to your SO about the crush if he/she seems oblivious to it.

[mopinko]

7. not oblivious,

denying.

[Wetzelbill]

59. oh man what a filthy SOB

If I ever had a friend who tried to screw my (future, if I ever get married) spouse, I'd probably shoot them. I'm pretty jealous about stuff like that.

Yeah, you are right. You have to know the boundaries.

[eyesroll]

4. Sure.

If yours is a monogamous relationship and the friend, who knows this, is relentlessly pursuing your SO, then something's wrong. But a crush by itself is just a crush, and is sometimes unavoidable -- we like who we like. Acting on it in inappropriate ways is where the problem lies.

[tjdee]

6. Loyalty shit? What is that?

If my friend had a crush on Adrien Brody (after we got married :silly: ) I'd understand that. He is pretty cute after all. And if my friend was "cool", as in, not blatantly trying to get in his pants, I'd think I'd be fine.

My problem would be trusting Adrien not to encourage that behavior and god forbid take advantage of the crush.

But that's because I don't trust boyfriends as far as I can throw them. I'm working on it, LOL.

[mopinko]

8. Loyalty shit?

way, way too long to explain. but very thick. involves clumsily butting into family shit.

[tjdee]

10. Whose loyalty, though?

I understand if you don't want to get into it, but I was wondering whose loyalty was failing. The SO's, the friend's, or the family's. Just because I'm nosy.

A loyalty breach of any kind would incense me, no matter the degree. Loyalty is a top thing with me.

[mopinko]

13. everybody against me

behind my menatlly ill kid. yeah, i am having a hard time stomaching the whole thing.

[LeighAnn]

9. Depends on what this SO thinks about this friend

Is this "friend" someone you think your mate would be interested in? If so, keep that hussy at arm's length. Does the SO know of this situation? That makes it worse.

If the "friend" is someone that you know your SO is completely unattracted to in a physical sense, well, look upon it as flattery, I guess, unless the person keeps talking about it and becomes annoying.

If I had the hots for my friend's boyfriend, nobody in the world would find out. I don't know that a good friend should share that information. People get attracted to people, but they don't have to act on that, and share the information with others if it would hurt their feelings.

IMO

[mopinko]

11. yes, yes,

and SO defends this person in some very yucky shit.

[LeighAnn]

14. Damn.

Wish I knew more about the situation... is the friend always around? Anyway to limit this person's presence in your life? How long have you known this person? How much do you like this friend of yours? Has this person ever done anything underhanded to you before? And the SO, is this person pretty good to you in general? What someone said earlier about sabotage is a distinct possibility, I've seen it happen so much. Some devoted, yet hapless person, always trying to do the right thing, gets ensnared by a snakey member of the opposite sex before they ever know what hit them.

So many things to take into consideration. Just let me say, I'm sorry for your confusion, my friend. I hate stuff like this. Hope i wasn't butting in or getting too personal.

[mopinko]

19. the "friend" is far away, thank ja

i would have told you she was my best friend. for 20 years. SO and i are having a rocky time. friend made it a whole lot rockier. but we are working hard and making a lot of prgoress. we are in the 'can these hot buttons be disconnected? is it possible to fix this?' stage.
i want to just pull the plug, myself. but so and kid insist i am misunderstanding, yada yada. not.

[LeighAnn]

41. Well best wishes to you.

Hope you're having a nice weekend. There's been a big, menacing moon outside for the last couple of days, I've noticed. Seems like everything's been pretty emotional for a lot of people I know (self included). Hope it all gets better soon, hang in there!

And look at the bright side... at least you're not this poor kid

Wouldn't that be awful? Well take care now.

[mopinko]

55. that is the bright side

you got me there.

[lildreamer316]

45. Red flag.

I'm-a thinking this sounds verrrrry suspicious. And I am not one to jump off the handle (my husband is a strip club DJ--let's go there). Approach with great skecpticisim; but do balance that with your knowledge of SO's self. I'm sure you are with him for some very good reasons; try to remember those also before it gets too crazy. Best of luck to you......

[tjdee]

12. I wouldn't be broadcasting that either.

If I had a crush on a friend's boyfriend I'd be avoiding him as much as possible--and certainly *not* telling my friend.

[mopinko]

16. there is a long standing joke

about it. haha.

[Heidi]

17. Of course.

I don't want to control what my friends think or feel. I don't understand how this is an issue of loyalty. It goes without saying that many of my friends have the same tastes that I do; I'm not at all surprised when someone finds Mr. Heidi "interesting." The understandings that Mr. Heidi and I have in our relationship have nothing to do with how other people might think or feel about either of us. We can't control that except by being honest people.

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. It worked for Jack and Bev Crusher and Jean Luc Picard

Obviously that's fiction, but it can work for you, too.

It all depends on how jealous you are, and how much you let your emotions affect your trust in your husband.

And we must all, always remember that our SOs had a whole battery of friends and acquaintenances before we met, and those longer-standing friendships also have certain reponsibilities and loyalties. Just because someone gets married, or gets into a committed relationship, doesn't mean that every previous relationship has to take a back burner and/or be severed.

My SO sometimes hangs out with her former boyfriends, and I don't mind - these are people she knew 10, 15 years or more before we even met. Of course, that's not the same situation you are in, but I offer it up anyway just because I like stories.

[Robb]

20. Ya geek.

:D

OT: In my opinion, loyalty is what puts the "S" in "SO."

Hanging out with formers, or people who have odd feelings about your SO, is one thing. But if the SO is getting the kiddo to side with them, notably against you, that's altogether another.

Snap decisions have rarely failed me. If your gut is telling you to cut bait, cut bait. It's hard, but to continue the maritime metaphors, there's a lot of fish in the sea.

Cap'n Robb

[mopinko]

56. it's the kiddo

in large part doing the lining up. she has some serious problems. that is where the rest of the whole quagmire comes in. SO didn't really put any energy into the mess. he just got a lot of shit from all sides.

[terrya]

21. No. I'm the jealous type.

He wouldn't be my friend for very long, I'm afraid.

[tjwmason]

22. In theory.

If you trust the friend, and you trust your S.O. then theoretically there should be no problem.

I've been involved in two variations. A good friend's girl-friend (said g.f. was also a friend of mine, indeed they both knew me separately before they knew each other) had a certain liking for me (this was before I knew I was gay, b.t.w.) - but all concerned were relaxed in knowing that both I and the lady concerned would not even think about cheating.

In the second case, I had a very very very severe crush on a guy - who was also a friend. The person to whom I spoke most about said crush also had a crush on him - in a moment of extraordinary irony he then confided in me of his desire to go with with her ( :wif: ). By this point, he knew of my attitude towards him, but was interested in me. I actually worked to get them together, and still continued (far against my better judgement) the crush for some time. Again there was no problem because of the folk involved and the attitudes taken.

Both couples are happily married now - I'm very close friends with one, but not the other (events described above not being relevant to our falling away from each other).

[swag]

26. Sure.

If they try to romance her, that's another story.

[LaurenG]

28. When you say crush

Are you saying like hot and bothered "crush" or the way I always took it- you "like" that person because they are good and kind? I say if you like my SO good, no problem but if you're trying to get past their underwear you are no friend of mine, beat it and please forget you ever knew my name. So which is it?

[mopinko]

51. worse than underwear

philosphical crush. ants and grasshoppers kind of a thing. they are both grasshoppers, see, married to mean old ants.

[LaurenG]

57. danger danger danger

I don't like it, they need to revisit their commitments. Ow I'm sorry. That isn't nice. I would have to say I don't think so to my SO. :cry: :hug:

[mopinko]

61. oops

double post

[mopinko]

62. that's what i say

i am done with these people. the only question is what i am going to do to close this chapter in my life, and whether he understands. like i said, there is a lot more to it than the crush. they said, and believe, some really crazy, awful, and UNTRUE things about me. he appreciates the sympathy for him that came out of this. i don't.
if nothing else, hanging with a couple with a shaky marriage themselves is not safe. we are working hard on our relationship, and other things have happened that have helped with some of our strains. fortunately these are not people we see often.
i don't think SO has pursued this, but he does not want to give up this "friendship" either.

[LaurenG]

63. Take a little advice?

This happened to me this year. I was a very trusting soul. My dad died in January, I went to the funeral alone for legitimate reasons and well, SO and crush got it on in my living room etc. Nearly didn't make it through that one. Do NOT allow emotional infidelity to have a place in your life unless it is agreed upon in advance. Blow a kiss goodbye and gently close the door.

[mopinko]

64. the main reason that this is a problem is

that there are kids involved who are life long friends. SO did not really see how things looked from my side, but we had a long talk and he kinda gets it. he can accept that i can not trust "friend", still trust him, but just see no reason to continue the relationship. he is not ready to flush it, but maybe it will sink in. i don't see how i could be comfortable with things continuing without me. we would not usually see these people again until x-mas. so we have some time to sort things out. but i do want him to straighten them out on a few counts, because some of the crap that went on is serious.

[LaurenG]

66. You sound like you have your feet firmly on the ground

and your stuff together. I am thinking good thoughts and sending them your way. I wish you a comfortable and good outcome to this. :hug:

edit: grammer

[mopinko]

68. thanks

i am very optimistic. we have been through a lot, and i think are finally on a really good path. we are both working very hard on ourselves and on our relationship. i feel good about flushing these people. i hope he can come to grips with it. i think that as things become more solid between us, he will be willing to do what it takes to take care of it.
thanks for the support.

[Wapsie B]

32. If it's a playful crush as in an expression of frienship

of course they can. If there's sexual feelings involved though and one or both parties chooses to act on those feelings I hope you're ready for that. Polyamory can be a workable situation for some. Others truly can be platonic friends. But that's not been my experience. Where there's been a crush at least one of the parties has had sexual feelings and acted on them.

[Jamastiene]

37. Crushes are my area of expertise.

I've had many of them and yes, it is possible, depending on the person and their self control, to be able to trust them and remain friends. If somethig happens to break that trust, you may want to lean toward the others who said "heck, no". It honestly depends on the person. Simple as that.

[Chichiri]

42. This wouldn't happen to be Jenny's SO, would it?

;)

[mopinko]

52. jenny who?

no, tho.

[Redstone]

43. Think of it this way: You have a wife (or husband) who is so desirable

that everyone WANTS her (or him), but you, you're lucky or smart or desirable your ownself to be the one who HAS her (or him).

Thinking of the situation that way is real good for the ego, and makes the odd crush much less worrisome.

Trust me on this. I happen to be married (and I'm not boasting here, just stating facts) to a stunningly attractive woman, and the above-stated attitude keeps me from getting worked up.

Redstone

[The Straight Story]

44. My other personalities like my wife too, does that count? :) NT

[sendero]

46. Loyalty..

... is a big issue with me. Now, it always comes down to "how do I define loyalty"?

Pretty hard to do. If I *know* someone has been purposefully disloyal without a "fair" motive - for example, telling a third party a blatant lie designed to fuck things up in some way - I'm done with them, forever.

Life's too short to entrust yourself to people who cannot be trusted.

But one does have to be careful to be sure an action that is interpreted as disloyalty is not in fact something less pernicious.

[greatauntoftriplets]

47. How do YOU feel about it???

To me, that is the important part.

[mopinko]

50. i want to kill her, and her hubby, too.

SO and i talked about it a lot today, and at least now he understands why i never intend to speak to them again. it is a lot more than the crush part, and they were quite a contributing factor in my recent near divorce.
things are better, all around.

[Left Is Write]

48. A few people have had crushes on my husband.

Most of them people he knows through work or other contacts; I don't think any of them has specifically been a friend of mine.

The only one that became and issue was young Michelle at my husband's office, the year we got married. Michelle truly seemed to think that the existence of a wife was merely a minor obstacle to overcome. On his birthday, a bunch of coworkers threw a party for him at a bar. While we were there, Michelle actually had the nerve to ask him if he would drive her home.

For the most part, though, the crushes have been harmless.

[Skittles]

49. WANT ME TO KICK HIS OR HER ASS???

JUST SAY THE WORD MOPINKO

[mopinko]

53. you are too kind

i would rather do it myself, tho. at our last meeting, i heaved a full can of pop her way. i have regretted ever since not taking the time to aim. it couldn't have made it any worse. and it would have been a real memory to cherish.
would have scared the crap out of the kiddies, tho.

[Pale Blue Dot]

60. My SO is very beautiful and charming

I expect people to have crushes on her. The bottom line is that I trust her, so what's the harm?

[TankLV]

65. From my personal experience, and tons of country songs, NOOOOOOOO!

Run away.

Now.

Very quickly.

And tell that "friend" he is no gentleman and certainly no "friend" if he doen't let go of his "crush" IMMEDIATELY if not sooner.

This is bad news for your friendship and your relationship.

[mopinko]

67. can't run, but i am walking as fast as i can

at least this thread has shown me that i am not crazy to worry about this person. combined with all the other stuff that happened, (the crush is only a part of a bigger mess.) i feel firmly planted. which is most of what i need right now. closure, at least for myself, in my own mind.