Recently, an old girlfriend from college got in touch with me

[driver8]

through Classmates.com. I am happily married with two children and she is happily married with two children but we have been flirting like two teenagers with raging hormones. We live on opposite sides of the country and nothing will ever come of the flirting, but I feel like I am cheating on my wife. (I would never do that, by the way.)

Would you call this cheating?? Am I being unfaithful? Am I being a low life piece of shit?

[Fenris]

1. Depends on if you consider emotional cheating to be cheating.

[In_The_Wind]

2. You are courting trouble.

If you feel like it's wrong. Don't do it.

[GirlinContempt]

3. It's cheating if it falls outside of the boundaries of your relationship

Would your wife like it? Would you like it if you found out your wife was doing it?

[PassingFair]

8. If you honestly answer GirlinContempt's questions...

You will have your answer.

Good Job rendering it down, Girlin'!

[GirlinContempt]

47. Thanks

:)

[driver8]

18. You are exactly right!! I should have figured this out myself.

Thank you, GirlinContempt.

[GirlinContempt]

48. Anytime

[Ptah]

4. Sounds dangerous.

Be very careful.

jus sayin

[miss_american_pie]

5. The one important question

is how would your wife answer?

[Gormy Cuss]

6. If it feels like cheating to you, then it is.

In my very unhumble opinion.

If you can't tell your wife about it, you're shutting her out from an emotional relationship and that may be dangerous territory. Only you know for sure.

[ContraBass Black]

36. Seconded.

Be careful.

[Orsino]

78. Ditto. n/t

[ComerPerro]

86. Exactly

[JVS]

7. No good can come of this

[yvr girl]

9. It's dangerous ground.

If it's 'harmless' flirting, you could do it in a place like the Lounge (an open forum, where your wife could read it.) If you wouldn't want your wife to read the messages, then you're hiding something, which can cause problems.

I flirt with Matcom outrageously in the Lounge. I even did it in person. His wife knows, and thinks it's funny. Everything is out in the open. We all know that nothing is meant by it. There are no secrets. If you can't do it in front of your wife, you shouldn't be doing it. Just one woman's opinion.

[Deja Q]

10. You're human. A coworker chick, of which we have mutual attraction for,

flirted with me once. Man, it felt nice, but I heard she was married. Hormones aside, I don't go after married people.

She felt it was sufficiently safe, and it was a funny comment (ala my sense of humor, which I find disturbing because she's (quite obviously!) a woman...), but she's married. And even with the end of all approaching, I will not interfere. She's got her life and I've got... well, mine. Maybe I'll find somebody someday too.

Worst case scenario, you're suddenly human. Like Suddenly Salad only more tasty... :D

[driver8]

20. I think that's it. It was (is) an ego boost to know that someone

other than your wife is attracted to you.

But, I know I wouldn't like it if my wife was doing it so I need to cool it.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

11. No. Flirting is innocent.

Right now, get up, go in, tell your wife what's been going on, and hopefully she is like me and will laugh about it with you. My husband is a flirt. I don't mind. He's mine, he loves me and I never doubt that. And vice versa. If it's the same with you, you should have no problems. Good luck.
Duckie

[flamingyouth]

12. If you feel like you're cheating on your wife

It's probably not a good idea.

[zone]

13. Funny

The exact same thing just happened to me today. No flirting, unless you count "XXOO" but we exchanged kid pics.

[zone]

31. Actually, I Googled her

But not in the Biblical sense. I think it's great to reconnect with old friends and that you can learn a lot from reflecting on where you were then and where you are now. But if you feel secretive about it then it might be, or turn into, a problem. Whenever I start thinking "What if I'd done this" or "What if I'd done that," I think about my beautiful wife and kids and go "nevermind" (probably my biggest "what if" I struggle with these days is "What if Bush hadn't stolen the election in 2000?"

I think the best litmus test for you, as someone earlier pointed out, is "What if the shoe was on the other foot?"

[Canuckistanian]

71. Is there a Biblical sense to Googling?

Like "Thou shalt not spam thy neighbor"?

[Redstone]

14. Doesn't matter what WE think. If it makes YOU uncomfortable,

then maybe you should stop doing it.

Redstone

[mac56]

15. If you can't tell your wife about it, it's probably not okay.

If you can tell her about it, you're in the clear.

[justabob]

16. Does your wife know you are talking to your ex?

That makes a big difference I think.

[driver8]

21. She does know that we have been e-mailing. My wife also

knows that I am not the "cheating" type. First of all, I am the worst liar in the world. Second, my conscience would bother me so much that I would have to admit everything. Last and certainly not least, my wife and children are the most important people to me in the world.

I would hate to jeopardize my relationship with my family in any way.

[justabob]

25. I think you are fine then

I had a boyfriend in college who always said flirting wasn't a problem because he knew I was going home with him.(he was remarkably well-adjusted for a 20-something :) ) That sounds like what your situation is.

[zone]

35. Then don't

f*ck her and you're cool.

[boston bean]

17. Flirting with another woman and having those feelings is being

unfaithful, IMHO.

[LisaL]

19. Just don't do it.

[Shine]

22. Sounds like playing with fire to me.

It might not be technically "cheating", since you're not actually doing the deed, but I do believe one can be unfaithful, emotionally, as well.

Does you WIFE know about this flirting? Is she cool with it. THAT'S the key question. If you can't tell her, then that, in itself, speaks volumes.

Good luck! Choose wisely.
:hi:

[driver8]

23. Thank you everyone!! Lots of great advice and suggestions

here. I know I wouldn't like it if my wife were doing it...so I need to stop it now.

Not sure if I will tell her, but I might.

I appreciate your help.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

41. dont tell her if you dont take this any further

dumping guilt on her would be of no use to your marriage

[Redstone]

50. Excellent advice, LP. I hope he listens to you.

Redstone

[driver8]

58. Believe me -- I am taking that advice!!! n/t

[BlueIris]

24. No offense, but I think you should run away.

If you Google, you can find the results of an informal survey recently conducted by...I think she was a psychologist, but I don't remember for sure, which "found" that something like 2/3 of people asked in the survey who had contacted old flames after marriage wound up having affairs for...various reasons (John Tesh talked about it a couple of months back). I realize that's not the world's most scientific reason I could give you for my belief that you should run very, very, very far away from this situation, but--I'm not surprised that a high number of people who even feel tempted to stray by a relationship they had before committing to a life partner ended up acting on those feelings. I mean, you're already feeling guilty. That should tell you something. So what if no (physical) lines have been crossed? Are you already transgressing certain emotional boundaries with the old girlfriend that you and your spouse generally don't cross with your close "friends"? Would you be upset if your spouse was doing something similar with an old partner? Seriously, bail.

[fudge stripe cookays]

27. Wow.

I had no idea te average of "reconnecting" affairs was so high!

I'm in touch with one of my exes. We got in touch through Classmates, but there's nothing to it. At least on my end. My just write occasionally to see how the other is doing. To me, that's fine. It means both parties are adults who still care about each other as human beings although their relationship has ended. The relationship I had before this guy ended so spectacularly, that I really gave myself kudos for being grown up enough to stay friends with someone after it ended.

Once in awhile, I consider throwing a sassy little remark out there, but then I think of the amazing happiness given me by reprehensor, and our wonderful life together, and that comes to a screeching halt.

I don't even find the old guy attractive anymore. We saw each other again about 7 years ago (we dated in 1991), and there was nothing. When I look at reprehensor, my heart still pitter patters.

That's what really matters. You just think of what you have to lose, and what is more important to you, and consider your loved ones' feelings. You should never consider something that would hurt them if they knew.

fsc

[driver8]

29. Oh sure...throw common sense and reason in my face, why dontcha?

Of course, you are absolutely correct. (Freakin'common sense...)

[fudge stripe cookays]

32. He he...

It's always harder if you had great sex with the person, but try to keep it all in perspective.

It's harder and harder for me to remember the good sex when I see a pot belly and receding hairline. If I wanted to look at that, I'd rather see it on the one I still love.

:hi: driver8!

[Blue_In_AK]

91. You're probably thinking of Nancy Kalish

and her site lostlovers.com.

[hunter]

26. I always flirt in public.

My wife and I both flirt with ex's, even in our house, but it's all in the open. We all know who's seen who naked.

It's sort of a fun game if you play it right, and it will absolutely positively freak out your teenaged kids. They'll be sitting there restlessly, trying to be polite, wishing they were playing video games or something, and all of the sudden some horrid slime green light will come on in their hormone-ravaged heads, and they'll be gagging and thinking "EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

We were visiting friends this summer and one of us smiled coyly and managed to do a quadruple backflip teenage kid gagger with one quick quip. It was a wonderful thing to witness, four teenaged kids going "EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW", and yes your parents really were like that when they were young and single.

But honestly, if I ever keep anything confidential it's never because I've been flirting. There's nothing between me and my ex's I wouldn't share with my wife, and because of that, we are able to respect the privacy of our friends.

[Skittles]

28. flirting: attention without intention

you're remembering a time with less responsibilities; indulge for a while but don't make it a regular thing

[Dash_Pennystone]

30. YEP

YOU'RE CHEATIN', BUCKAROO!

OBVIOUSLY NEITHER ONE OF Y'ALL ARE THAT HAPPY BEIN' HITCHED.

CAREFUL THE WIFE DON'T FIND OUT!

[fudge stripe cookays]

33. WHY IS IT....

THAT YOU MUST YELL IN EVERY POST? ARE YOU INCAPABLE OF FINDING YOUR CAP LOCK KEY?

[Thtwudbeme]

34. That happens to me when the cat walks on the keyboard

;)

But, then I look at the screen.....

[Dash_Pennystone]

43. WHY DID BARRY WHITE SING DISCO?

WHY DID MARILYN MONROE HAVE BIG BOOBS? WHY DID REUBEN PAINT FAT CHICKS? WHY DID CHE WEAR A FREAKING BERET?

CAUSE THAT'S WHO I AM, BABY. THAT'S WHY!

[GirlinContempt]

54. WELL WHO YOU ARE IS NOT ALWAYS ALL ITS CRACKED UP TO BE

http://www.netmanners.com/courtesy1.html

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

82. Yep. He's pizza now.

[no name no slogan]

89. That was Samuel L. Jackson as...

...well, just about any of his roles, right?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

37. if your wife did this, would it upset you?

do you think your behaviour would upset your wife?

if you answer yes to either question than you're on shakey ground.

[salin]

38. depends what comes next

do you keep playing the game? Then you are at risk for falling for the old teenager type "infatuation" taking over before really knowing it nor intending it and having the involvement begin to encroach on your real life. Sadly I have seen that happen on numerous occaisions - the net really allows fantasies to take over and evolve into a "grass is greener" set of emotions. If instead the conversations slow down, and grow to a periodic updating of each others lives... then no problem.

[driver8]

39. That is where it is headed, I'm sure. It will become a "periodic"

updating of our lives. I think for both of us, it was kind of nice to re-live a time in our lives when we had no responsibilites and a hell of a lot of fun.

[zone]

42. smiles

I remember this "girl" I reconnected with today and I throwing our dogs in my van and heading 500 miles to the Florida Keys for a long weekend. Here's the funny thing: Her dog knocked my dog up and she dumped me (lol).

[Ariana Celeste]

40. here's what i think

don't hide it, and make sure it's something that won't bother your wife
I am flirty by nature and my SO understands that and knows that I would never cheat- he knows where my heart lies, and doesn't care if i get flirty once in awhile
as long as it is something accepted on both sides then its fine
if you have a good relationship where you are very open with communication, an honest relationship, you should talk to your wife about it

if you feel you cant talk to her about it, then you need to stop

i'm sure this was already said, so, disregard if need be

[friesianrider]

44. If you wouldn't do it with your wife right there watching/listening...

If you're writing things via email/IM or saying things on the phone with this woman, and you wouldn't write/say those things with your wife right there listening in on the conversation, then it's inappropriate. Are you cheating? I don't think so, but probably inappropriate nonetheless, and your wife would probably be hurt.

Good luck with this situation :hug:

[Thtwudbeme]

45. Well, here's a question....does her HUSBAND know?

I mean, ducky for you guys---what about the man she married?

[driver8]

46. He knows we have been chatting...yes. Does he know that we've

been flirting? Nope.

[Thtwudbeme]

51. Then, dearie, there is your answer. Cut it out.

Good luck with that...but, remember, if the grass is greener, it's usually the septic tank you are looking at.

[driver8]

60. Nope -- grass isn't greener. I have such an amazing wife...she

constantly amazes me with her compassion, her love for me and our children, and her intelligence. She is a very special person and I am lucky to be married to her.

I like that "septic tank" line, though.

[driver8]

49. Thanks to all who took the time to post -- I appreciate it.

I guess I knew the right answer to the question before I asked it -- but didn't want to admit it to myself.

My wife would not like it -- so I am going to stop it.

Thanks again!! :headbang:

[Digit]

53. I did not read through all the posts, but applaud your decision

I had a gut feeling it would not be healthy for your relationship with your wife.

Ah, but I see you instinctively knew that. Good man.

[swag]

52. Fuck her and get it over with.

[GirlinContempt]

55. Is that YOUR policy?

:o

[swag]

56. My policy is not the issue here.

[GirlinContempt]

57. I think it is

Lead by example :silly:

[swag]

59. Is that the Carmen Miranda smiley?

[GirlinContempt]

61. No, primate1

[swag]

62. Whoever it is,

she's cute.

[GirlinContempt]

65. Tell 'her'

yourself:


http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=send_mesg&u_id=137338

[swag]

68. Oh, that guy.

Haven't you bagged him yet?

And yeah, she's cute.

[GirlinContempt]

70. Naw

I'm a slow mover. Still working my way through a--c in the DU database

[swag]

72. In that case, I'll see you some time around the year 2525.

[GirlinContempt]

74. I could probably work you up the list if I start reading in the mirror

See you in a few months!

[ghostsofgiants]

69. Hahaha...

Sad thing is, it wouldn't be the first time I've been mistaken for a girl.

[swag]

73. How I long for my own epicene days.

But my ballroom days are over, baby.
Night is drawing near.

[ghostsofgiants]

75. Shit, does that mean I don't get out alive?

[swag]

76. I don't know about you,

but I'm gonna have my fun before the whole shithouse goes up in flames.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Amended to stem my tide of misquotes:

"I'll tell you this man, all I want to do is have my kicks before the whole
shithouse goes up in flames."

[tigereye]

87. lessee

is that Barth? or some movie I have never seen. Sorry to horn in, but it just seemed like the right thing to do... ;)

[swag]

92. No, sorry.

It's just Jim Morrison stage ramble from Absolutely Live.

I posted it in honor of RandomKoolZip.

[LeftyMom]

63. The question isn't whether I would be offended

(I would not, provided the resumed contact wasn't kept secret) but whether your wife would be.

If you feel like you're betraying her in some way, you probably are. Does she know that you and the college girlfriend are talking? If not, you should either let her know or break off communication.

[peekaloo]

64. driver8...take a break ........

sorry. couldn't resist.

[Ilsa]

66. If you can't talk to your wife about what is ihappening, and if

you feel weird or guilty about it, it probably is not the right thing to be doing. But I understand the situation, and it is easy to be drawn back to the past. Good luck.

[likesmountains 52]

67. close to home..

my (ex) husband got an email from his college girl friend...one thing led to another and you guessed it...of course after a few months it "did not work out."...but we were on the road to divorce by then anyway..they had not communicated in 20 years but were sure they were still in love.

[radwriter0555]

77. You feel bad. You feel like you are cheating, so stop doing it.... unless

you LIKE feeling bad.

Just do the right thing. And please don't tell your wife.

[MissMillie]

79. Where is your heart?

That is most important.

I'm not big on literal interpretations of the bible, but if you're lusting in your heart for this woman, then yes, you are cheating on your wife.

[mikeytherat]

80. I defer to the wisdom of Paul Simon on this one (from "Kodachrome"):

"If you took all the girls I knew when I was single,
and brought them all together for one night,
I know they'd never match my sweet imagination -
everything looks worse in black and white."

Several years ago, I ran into an ex at one of my gigs. I had not seen her for over 15 years, and we sat and had a few beers. The only thing running through my mind was, "Wow. I used to be really serious about YOU?" My memories of our time together did NOT wash with the reality of the present.


mikey_the_rat

[LaurenG]

81. If you were my husband I would be deeply hurt

I guess you should ask her if it's OK to do this.

[taterguy]

83. Am I the only one?

Who's reading this thread and wondering if the old gf is more physically attractive than the wife?

[Bridget Burke]

85. It sounds as though he hadn't seen the old GF in a while....

Her memories of her might be more beautiful. However, he's decided to stop the flirting, anyway.

I'm sure you're the most physically attractive guy your significant other ever met.

[taterguy]

88. blushing, unless my sarcasm meter isn't working :)

[elehhhhna]

84. You already know the answer.

Don't do anything behind your wifes back that you wouldn't do in front of her & you'l be fine.


Knock it off. Now.

[Blue_In_AK]

90. A warning from one who knows

I broke up with my high school sweetheart in 1963. The last time we saw each other was 1967. In 2000 (when I was not so happily married) I started thinking about him for some reason, got in touch with his sister, and before I knew it we were talking on the phone and writing letters back and forth (he was in Texas, I was in Alaska). After six months of this, we knew we had to see each other "for old time's sake." I took a vacation and went to see him. When we met up it was like we had never been apart, both of us completely forgot that we were married to other people. We spent two blissful weeks together. His wife tossed him out of the house. Three years of struggle to get out of our respective marriages ensued. Finally, in 2003, he moved up here to be with me and we are now happily married.

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE "LOST LOVE" PHENOMENON. IF YOU VALUE YOUR MARRIAGE, STOP THIS BEFORE YOU GO ANY FURTHER.