I suspect my neighbor is a pedophile. What do I do?

[jimbo fett]

I live in a new subdivision (2 years) on a cul-de-sac. About a year ago we had new neighbors move in. They seemed alright at first but a little odd. They were hermit-like. So much so that we were unsure as to who or how many people even lived in their house. We finally learned that a couple lived there - in their forties probably.

We assumed their odd nature was due to cultural differences (they are immigrants) or just shy.

And they never tried to socialize with the rest of us on the cul-de-sac.

That was until the man started showing interest in our next-door-neighbors' 8 year-old boy.

Almost everytime the kids on our cul-de-sac are playing outside (with parents) the man in question comes out and strikes up a conversation with the 8 year-old boy. He pays little or no attention to the adults or other children.

He asks this boy many questions and gets into his "personal space."

Another odd thing was on Halloween night when we came by this man's house (at this point we only thought he was weird - not dangerous) he gave the children candy and then reached in his wallet and gave each kid several dollar bills.

Well, the thing that REALLY has us worried now is that he came outside the other day and started talking to the boy. While talking to him he held the boys hand (we learned after the fact due to chaos of all the kids playing).

What do we do? This man hasn't broken any laws but clearly he's behaving in a manner that is not socially acceptable regardless of culture and seems to be displaying clear pedophilic tendencies.

What do we do????

[Jack_Dawson]

1. Do a background check

Is he a registered sex offender? Alert the police either way.

[jimbo fett]

5. He doesn't show up on the Sex Offender Registry but...

...that isn't well-maintained so I'm not sure how reliable it is. Plus he's an immigrant so who knows what his background in his homeland might be.

What do we tell the police? We have nothing other than suspicion and strange behavior at this point.

[7th_Sephiroth]

2. keep a close eye on him and the boy

if he's an immagrantit MIGHT be a cutural thing or something but keep an eye on the boy

[Bertha Venation]

3. call the police or social services this instant.

Don't wait. You MUST make a report immediately. The proper authorities will determine whether the man is a real threat. But they can't do it unless they're notified.

[Fovea]

9. Yes, that is the best course of action,

but be prepared to discover that much of your alarm is a question of cultural differences. Consider that perhaps your community might well use this, if it does turn out to be a misunderstanding of course, as a bridge to these folks, who may feel like they are still outsiders, not just in your neighborhood, but in the country.

[Blue_Roses]

87. a "cultral difference"

doesn't give out money.

Watch this guy and especially these kids like a hawk.

I also would go to Social Services in your area and talk with them.

He may not have committed any act that is illegal yet, but don't wait for him to. Social Services will better help you on how to deal with this. The police can only do anything (legally) if he has committed a crime.

[radwriter0555]

4. Talk to the boy's parents. It's up to them to protect their child. Alert

them to your concerns so that they can speak with their kid and make the child aware of potential problems.

[jimbo fett]

8. They know. And they're obviously concerned.

Since it isnt' my son the man is focusing his attention on, I'm looking for advice I can tell her. She's much younger than I and I think therefore a little reluctant. I'm trying to get her do something but I want to tell her the right thing.

[NashVegas]

27. Have Her Talk to Her Kids About Their Bodies

If they haven't already. Make sure the kids understand the concept of physical boundaries and self-ownership. Better yet - tell 'em about Michael Jackson and explain exactly why he's in trouble, how people think he, an adult was acting inappropriately and touching kids sexually.

[Bertha Venation]

21. Parents often IGNORE signs.

It's a good idea to notify the parents, but honestly, parents sometimes -- for many reasons -- blow off evidence, reports, suspicions, etc. Even when a child tells a parent "Mr. Whoever next door touched my privates," some parents will say "Don't EVER say something so dirty!" or "Why would you SAY such a thing! Mr. Whoever is a WONDERFUL man! He goes to our CHURCH!"

7blades, it's not enough to notify the parents. You must notify the authorities.

Okay, just read the rest of the thread... I have the scoop now. I'm keeping this post as it is for anyone's benefit.

[onehandle]

6. I think you're overreacting...

Contrary to the media, there aren't pedophilles on every street.

Talk to the kid's parents if you must do anything.

[jimbo fett]

11. They know. They alerted us.

The man has also been outside mowing the grass in his boxer underwear with his "manhood" clearly visible through the fly. And when an adult goes outside he goes in and puts on pants.

[VelmaD]

14. OK, that is WAY inappropriate

I was almost buying the "cultural differences", maybe you're overreacting arguments until you mentioned mowing the lawn with his penis hanging out. That ain't no cultural difference (at least I've never heard of a culture where mowing naked was the norm). Call the cops.

[radwriter0555]

19. Oh hell call the cops then. that's just NASTY.

And warn the kids. TELL ALL THE KIDS to stay away from him.

[NashVegas]

32. You All Have to Confront the Guy About That

That right there is something you could and should have a talk with him about.

Even if the guy is not even remotely interested in kiddies, that's something that a lot of folks might want to have a talk with him about. Get to know your neighbor and you'll find a good reason why you think their behavior is strange - whether that's due to him or yourselves.

[demnan]

7. By all means

someone discuss with his parents and they should talk to the boy about this man and what he talks about to him.

I also believe the parents together in the neighborhood should confront the man and tell him that touching the child is inappropriate behavior.

[jimbo fett]

10. The boy is, in his own words, "freaked out."

He told his mother about the man holding his hand and said it made him uncomfortable.

She had the BIG talk about how some people want to hurt kids, etc. But she tried not to scare him.

[Muddleoftheroad]

12. If the boy is "freaked out"

Then it IS the time to take real action. Call the cops. File a report. Even if it is innocent, this guy needs to learn that is unacceptable behavior. If it isn't innocent, he needs to know that everyone is on to him.

In the meantime, ALL the children need to be talked to so they know what to do if ANYONE tries to take liberties.

Good luck.

[Cannikin]

13. Well, if its THAT serious..forget about asking our opinions..

Of course you should act. At least alert police or something. The fact that you should even have to ask after all the details you've given makes me doubt the credibility of this thread.

[patdem]

82. Scare the boy...I scared my son away from a potential pedophile

My son and his friends were riding bikes (he was about 16) and some man stopped and asked directions...and because they were so helpful he gave them concert tickets...well I explained to my son that man knows what concert you are going to and what seats you will be sitting at and he can just show up and buy you a drugged pepsi and you are HIS. He argued and was mad as hell at me ... but he did NOT attend the concert!!!

[Blue_Roses]

88. that is so inappropriate

this guy is a pervert.

[DuctapeFatwa]

15. Try getting to know him b4 deciding. How's his English? Where's he from?

Sometimes people learning a new language talk to kids because they think, rightly or wrongly, that the kids will be easier to understand, use simpler words, etc.

Also, while in the US it is not acceptable to touch a child under any circumstances, in many other cultures people think nothing of holding a child's hand, hugging him, putting him in their lap, etc.

In the US it is considered polite to keep people literally, at arm's length. In other parts of the world, "personal space" is a lot closer to the person.

Try making an effort to get to know the couple. They may just be lonely people in a new place, and the little boy may remind the man of someone else, or he may just like him. It is OK to LIKE kids.

If all of their interactions have been out in the open in full view of others to comment on hand-holding, and he hasn't invited the kid to come down in the basement when his wife isn't home to see his special collection of this or that, it sounds more like the guy is just not sophisticated enough about US culture to know that holding a child's hand is a big tabu.

on edit I saw the part about the little boy being freaked out.
That is sad, and a whole nother post. Someone will just have to explain to the man that children in the US are frightened by adults holding their hands, and he should try not to look at or talk to children, because that is the culture here, and he can end up with really serious problems.

[jimbo fett]

22. His English is good. I'm guessing he's from a former British colony.

He has a British "lilt" to his English like he's from the Carribbean.

Is there a culture where a man would hold the hand of a veritable stranger's child?

We only know the man's name because we looked it up on the public property records. It's not like he's close friends with the parents, let alone the boy.

[DuctapeFatwa]

30. The US is pretty unique in this regard. I think both the kid's mom and you

would be in a better position to assess the situation if you knew him - and his wife a little better, and it could be a more positive way to engage him as a neighbor, as opposed to involving law enforcement at this point.

Pedophiles are sneaky, whatever culture they are from. A pedophile is more likely to scheme to get a kid alone than to publicly hold his hand and show an interest in him.

I think it is easy to forget that the whole child-touching tabu is a relatively recent phenomenon even in the US.

This guy sounds more like a clueless, goofy person than anything dangerous. He does need to be made aware that it is not considered appropriate in the US to take an interest of any kind in someone elese's child, though, because at some point, someone will call the police, or harm him.

[jimbo fett]

34. NEW INFO ON OUR NEIGHBOR.

I was just relating some of the posts I've received to the mother of the boy in question and she recently talked to the woman who lives with the man we're suspicious of while getting her mail from the mailbox.

Turns out the creepy many is not her husband but rather her brother. She owns the house and is the "breadwinner" as he's apparently unemployed, too.

[DuctapeFatwa]

38. Is there a chance that he is learning disabled?

The mom is on the right track with the mailbox chat. She should keep that up, and you can do it too.

Talk to the man yourself. It is VERY unusual for an adult immigrant to be unemployed - that is why people come here, to work.

[jimbo fett]

42. We're going to have a "talk" with the woman.

We had thought of that too which is why we want to talk to her first. In case, he has some form of retardation.

[DuctapeFatwa]

53. That's great! If she is "taking care of" her brother, she could use some

support, and just some company. The mowing the yard thing could be solved with a pair of pull-on shorts :)

The whole incident says so much about US culture, from the way people live near each other for weeks, months, years, and don't even get to know each other, to that poor little boy who feels uncomfortable because someone holds his hand. If it turns out that the guy does have mental retardation or some other developmental disorder, it could be that which made the little boy uncomfortable more than the hand-holding.

His mom will have her work cut out. It is important that kids understand that anything that makes them feel "not ok" is something to talk to mom and dad about, but at the same time, you have to make sure that the "not ok" feeling does not come from mom and dad's warnings and fear! Even with the best parents, society itself can do that, and the result is raising a generation of children who get the creeps when anyone outside the family touches them.

And for adults, we can be like the lady who saw the little kid fall off his bicycle, and actually hesitated before going to help him up, not wanting anyone to "get the wrong idea."

[Blue_Roses]

90. I disagree

with much of what you say. I guess it's just my work with kids who have been abused that makes me feel this way!

For one. Kids are VERY trusting. That is their nature and they WILL trust someone who is especially kind to them and offer them the "favors" that will entice. Secondly, when a child feels "uncomfortable" that is what we like to call a "gut" feeling, something that deciphers "right" from "wrong" and "weird" from "acceptable." Many children will go out of their way NOT to tell their parents if they think they have been "violated" in anyway because they feel that they are the ones responsible for it. Many parents don't "warn" near enough.

It is not only a parent's RESPONSIBILITY to warn, but it's their LEGAL DUTY. I don't take this subject as lightly as you have in your previous posts and I'm sorry if it seems I am "calling" you on it, but much of your "advice" is wrong. Flat wrong. I've seen this scenerio played out many times in the 10 years of being a Social Worker and where there is "smoke" you can bet there is "fire."

[Maddy McCall]

45. Ductape, everything you said is great advice...

I really see no reason to "freak out" over the man's behaviour, not from what has yet been posted. It is a shame that the village that used to raise the child is now in disrepair to the point that holding the hand of a child can cause accusations of pedophilia. The original poster admits that they know NOTHING about these new people in the neighborhood so how can he make the grand leap to the conclusion that the man is probably a pedophile???

I would hate to live in that neighborhood. If the next discovery is that the man's behavior was not ill-intentioned, and if these new neighbors get wind of the suspicions about them, then they may eventually move. That is a shame that NO ONE has reached out to them to get to know them first. Sad.

[jimbo fett]

49. There's more to it than just holding the child's hand.

It's a pattern of behavior we've witnessed many times that seems to be escalating. I only cited the "hand holding" as it is a big leap from casual talk with a boy to physical, prolonged contact that made an 8-year old so uncomfortable as to tell his mom about it.

We've tried to reach out to these neighbors. I've even knocked on their door. But when they're virtual hermits (the woman is rarely at home and the man only comes out when an 8-year old boy is outside) it makes it difficult to get to know someone.

Thanks for at least not pre-judging me and my neighbors though. :-(

[Maddy McCall]

51. Perhaps the 8-year-old has been conditioned by his parents to feel

uncomfortable about hand holding.

We raise our children with such fear of adults (every adult is a potential pedophile in some parents' minds) that it is amazing that kids and adults are even able to talk to each other any more.

If you had any concerns about the guy, then why didn't you call the police the day that he mowed the grass with his privates exposed??? why wait until you and your neighbors have determined that he is a pedophile to call about the mowing incident? Sounds like you have made the decision and you are reaching into the past to find justifications to get the police involved now. I feel for your neighbor. Calling the police is the WRONG move.

[jimbo fett]

55. I hope you're never faced with this situation...

But you seem to have all the answers so I don't guess it would be a problem for you.

[Maddy McCall]

62. Did you not come here asking for advice???

Funny that the advice that doesn't "fit" your scheme of things is the one of which you choose to attack the messenger.

I personally think you are overreacting, and if I were "faced with the same situation," I would attempt to handle it with the person without spreading unsubstantiated gossip about him throughout the whole neighborhood. That is shameless.

[jimbo fett]

65. First, of all you attacked me.... secondly, the person is anonymous

and we've spoken to nobody else in the neighborhood about this so we haven't "spread unsubstantiated gossip."

Advice is only good when given with good intentions.

[Maddy McCall]

67. Please point out where I attacked you.

I am giving advice with GOOD INTENTIONS--that you consider the harm you can do to the person you are accusing prior to taking such detrimental action as calling in the police.

By the way, in the south, we have a saying: "I don't have a dog in this fight." If the eight-year-old is not YOUR child, exactly what is your dog in this fight?

Why not let the parents decide what is best and back off. You seem WAY too involved in the decision-making in this situation and seem to be pushing the parents.

Why not back away and let the parents handle this. You keep saying "We are going to do this" and "We have decided that" but I have no idea why you are putting yourself in the place of being one of the "We."

What you are accusing this man of is very serious and can cripple him the rest of his life. It is hard enough to be an immigrant in the US, much less to have a pedophila accusation pinned on you. I would like to think that most DUers would be more open to befriending the guy before labeling him. But that is just my opinion.

I have not attacked you in any way. I hope that SOMEONE in your neighborhood has the good graces to put the brakes on this situation before it spirals out of control.

[jimbo fett]

68. Read your first post where you slammed everyone in my neighborhood.

I'm not discussing this any further with you.

I got the advice I needed. As I said in my posts, we're going to discreetly talk to the people in question. I'm hopeful a simple, amicable solution can be found.

To prolong this line of discussion with you would be fruitless.

[Maddy McCall]

71. You are wrong...I didn't slam everyone in your neighborhood.

If you came here to post a topic is incendiary as pedophilia accusations and have no one disagree with you, then you should have thought better about it.

All that aside, why don't you let the PARENTS handle it??? What is your role in this situation???

Ignore me if you like--if my questions are too sticky for you to answer.

[jimbo fett]

74. I've had others give me similar advice as you without being mean.

So, it isn't the advice I have problem with.

Well you at least slammed me as you basically admitted. So, is that an effective means of giving advice. When your daughter comes to you talk about birth control do you call her a "slut" whilst you give her your great advice?

I am letting the parents of the boy handle it. They came to me for advice. I came to this forum. Besides, I have two boys of my own who may come into this man's "radar" (if he's a pedophile). so I have a HELL of a lot at stake, thank you very much.

Your advice is noted and appreciated. Please come again.

[Maddy McCall]

77. Don't have a daughter, but have a small son.

And I am not "mean;" however, I am honest and blunt. Sorry if that doesn't agree with you.

I hope your neighborhood can resolve this situation without hurting anyone's feelings--the children and the "suspected pedophile." Peace is the best thing for everyone involved.

[areschild]

79. I disagree at some point with this,

but I'll just mention it and move on. I think we should ALL be aware of what's happening to children around us. If something HAD happened, everyone would be saying, "Why didn't someone do something!? Didn't anyone see what was going on?! The problem with people nowadays is that no one wants to get involved."

That's all I wanted to say. I'm not one to give advice on what others should do, as I'm not one who is personally witnessing the situation. I hope everything turns out alright, and the neighbor is harmless.

[Blue_Roses]

91. I live in the south

too and we also have a saying, "we watch our neighbor's back" and I think 7blades is "right-on" to have these suspicions.

I recall someone in our party saying that "it takes a village to raise our children." Her name is HILLARY CLINTON!

[DuctapeFatwa]

59. Keep us updated, and thanks, but I am guilty of pre-judging too

in my own way, I have a notion that this guy has some kind of developmental disorder, that his sister is a lonely care-giver, and that there may be some unknowns to the story not related at all to children but anything from political troubles back home, to stigma from her brother's condition, to uncertainty about immigration issues that makes her reluctant to reach out to her neighbors in a very typical US neighborhood where not a lot of reaching out goes on.

I am also pre-judging you as a smart person who tends to think before knocking over the first domino, and a good choice for your neighbors to come to if they have a problem.

[Blue_Roses]

89. please explain what you mean by this

the whole child-touching tabu is a relatively recent phenomenon even in the US.

[southerngirlwriter]

16. Make something up.

The police won't do much about what you've said (call them anyway.) Now, if you told them you thought there was pot in the house, they'd probably get a search warrant, break in, and find his large stash of kiddie porn.

Do whatever the hell it takes. Get the guy off your street and behind bars.

[WillParkinson]

23. Excuse me?

Make something up?

While I admit that being freaked over this guy is warranted I do not think that 'making something up' is a good course of action. First off, unless the guy has actually done something we should not be assuming his guilt. Secondly if the guy IS innocent you can make his life a living hell by making something up to get him in trouble.

[southerngirlwriter]

25. Spoken like someone

who was never molested and/or raped as a child.

Sorry, but the welfare of a child takes precedence over everything.

And if you think a man who mows the yard with his dick hanging out and then goes in and puts on pants when an adult comes out could *possibly* be "innocent," then I have some land I'd be interested in selling you. It's in Brooklyn.

[WillParkinson]

28. Spoken like...

Well, since you obviously don't know me I'd like to ask that you don't assume.

I also know what it's like to be accused of something you didn't do.

Yes, the welfare of a child is paramount but not to the point of persecuting an innocent man.

I never said he was innocent. I know one side of the story and I'll probably never know the whole story so it's not my right to judge. Innocent until proven guilty is supposed to be the law of the land from what I've heard.

[southerngirlwriter]

33. It is my sincere hope

that your ideological purity never puts your own child in danger.

"Innocent until proven guilty" is more important to you than whether a child is in danger of being sexually violated, despite significant evidence that this man is a danger to children.

What a world you must live in. When Michael Jackson uses his status as a rich, male celebrity to walk away scot-free, you'd probably let your child spend the night at Neverland, huh? After all, he wasn't proven guilty, so he must be innocent.

After I hide this thread, I'm going off to vomit.

[XanaDUer]

37. I'm sorry that those things happened to you,

but "innocent until proven guilty" is a cornerstone of our democracy.

To the original poster-don't lie-it could come back to haunt you later.

[arwalden]

58. This Is Dangerous-Think. Lynch-mob-Think. Vigilante-Think.

What you're suggesting is illegal. It's wrong.

And if something like this really did happen to you... that's sill no excuse for illegally FRAMING someone with false evidence. I really feel sorry for you. Sorry that something like this has affected you so deeply, and sorry that you are so blinded by your hatred that you think wrong is right.

I think I understand why you're "hiding" this thread too.

-- Allen

[RandomKoolzip]

69. This is the same mentality that bore the "Satanic Ritual Abuse" scam...

which destroyed the lives of many innocent people in the eighties....remember the Ray Bucky/ McMartin trial? Millions of dollars spent, one of the longest trials in US history, and they ended up basically ensuring that Mr. Bucky never got a job again, all because he owned a Playboy magazine.....


If the safety of a child takes precedence over everything, then I guess it would be hard for you to feel sympathy for a male who gets falsely accused of rape or child molestation, and whose life and reputation get flushed down the toilet. Remember, not all accusations are true, and children can be coerced into saying LOTS of things.

[arwalden]

31. Your example and anecdote has nothing to do with this case...

... while I can understand your emotional response, it's for THIS very reason that we have laws to protect the accused until they have been proved guilty in a court of law.

-- Allen

[Bertha Venation]

64. Precisely.

signed,
another survivor

[NashVegas]

35. No Offense, But

There's a lot more going on here than that.

We don't have Minority Report's pre-cognitives on the line. We do have things that would look indicative of a possible child-molester if the neighbor in question was born in the USA and not perceived as the neighborhood 'other.'

[jimbo fett]

44. Are you insinuating we're bigotted?

The whole point of my asking and our months of quiet concern is to NOT persecute someone because of cultural differences. If anything, we're giving the man an extra benefit of the doubt because he is an immigrant.

As a second generation immigrant myelf that insinuation is way off.

[arwalden]

26. I Found That Suggestion Repulsive Too...

Thanks for being the first one to point it out. I join you, and agree wholeheartedly with your reply.

-- Allen

[Obamarama]

61. Not to mention perjury....

*nt

[jimbo fett]

29. Thanks for your input but that's not an option I'm willing to take.

[regularguy]

40. Damn, I'm not sure who would be a worse neighbor,

creepy dude or you.

[jimbo fett]

41. I'm not going to join in your insulting.

[DS1]

46. Well Jesus Christ on a Stick! Some Goddamn good advice there!

:eyes:

[private_ryan]

72. how about I make something upo about you becuase you sound -----?

that you killed somebody, or molested a little boy. Shame on you for even suggesting it.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

73. Manufacturing evidence is a crime as is filing a false report for arrest

so were the thread starter to follow your advice, he could very well end up guilty of a felony.

Think before you post and as one who wanted to start a "prayer thread" which I wholeheartedly supported you in doing, I request you pray for yourself to gain some wisdom in this area. If he needs to "make up" evidence, that in itself is evidence that little exists to accuse this person of a crime and if the guy DID commit a crime and false or manufactured evidence was used as a grounds for this person's arrest (and he were guilty) it could be a basis for an alleged criminal to be acquitted.

[Dookus]

75. make something up?

That has got to be one of the most horrifying things I've ever read here. Aren't you the person who posts the christianity threads in the Meeting Room?

Thou shalt not bear false witness.

Shame on you!

[jimbo fett]

17. THANKS EVERYONE! I'm gonna talk to the police.

Well, I'm going to recommend my neighbor do so since it is her son he's focusing his attention on. I'm sure she will once I give her some of your feedback.

Thanks!

[NashVegas]

36. That Is Such Bad News

It's a shame that no one has the tact and the balls necessary to have a direct talk with the guy.

[Maddy McCall]

48. Yep...there goes the welcome wagon.

Someone needs to read an Anthropology 101 textbook on cutural relativism.

Sad that no one tried to get to know the neighbors first. Sounds like a first-class witchhunt to rid the neighborhood of someone that the clique finds undesirable.

Calling the police is an overreaction. IF THE GUY REALLY DID MOW THE GRASS WITH HIS PRIVATES EXPOSED, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL THE POLICE THEN.

Sounds like the neighborhood has decided the guy is a molestor, so they are they are trying to make the evidence "fit" the perceived crime.

The biggest crime, from all that I have read here, is that no one has reached out to these people.

[jimbo fett]

50. CORRECTION: We're talking to them and NOT going to the police right now.

After getting more responses and good advice on here we're talking to the neighbors.

[Loonman]

18. Sounds like a pervo

Mowing the lawn in his boxers.

Man, do I hate perverts. Frickin' dirtbag.

[tsipple]

20. A Few Ideas

1. Yes, you can check to see if he's a registered sex offender. I would do so discretely at this point.

2. Do not put children in a position where they are alone with the guy. (That's good practice anyway.) Make sure another adult is present. Again, that's just standard operating procedure.

3. Consider having a conversation with the person. Indicate that there may be cultural differences he should be aware of, that you (and your child) are uncomfortable with any physical contact, and ask that he observe a "no touching" rule with your child. Set a clear boundary (e.g. "no touching"), advise him of it, and explain why. (I'd simply say that you and your child feel uncomfortable, and perhaps that's due to cultural differences.)

I'm not overreacting on this one (yet). There are adults who are genuinely "grandfatherly" in the most innocent sort of way. ("It takes a village," remember?) Maybe the kid reminds him of his nephew or something.

The Halloween bit you describe (giving out dollar bills) sounds perfectly reasonable. Good for him for giving out dollar bills to the kids. (Much better than too much candy.) As for hand holding, is that shaking hands or something else? (There's a big difference, quite obviously, and there's not enough information in your description to draw a conclusion.)

Oh, one other thing. I would not start saying to the kid, "Hey, that guy's a creep. Watch out for him, and make sure he doesn't do X, Y, Z." Yes, of course there should be the standard "if anybody does *this*, say no, get out, and tell us" briefing (age-appropriate). (Probably already done.) Just don't make it person-specific.

So, in a nutshell, do all the things you should be doing anyway, monitor the situation, and consider having a polite conversation with the guy about "cultural sensitivities." (Based on your description, I would keep it there for now.) Americans do like more personal space (as you say) than almost everyone else on the planet. You could be right, or you could be wrong, but start with the civil conversation before going thermonuclear.

On edit: Mowing the lawn in his boxer shorts? Ew. OK, that's weird. That one's worth calling the cops.

[jimbo fett]

24. Good advice. Thanks.

I wish I had you as a neighbor!!!

[rasputin1952]

43. It is the entire community that holds a responsibility...

for the safety of its inhabitants.

I have no idea if this guy is a pedophile, however, I would err on the side of caution. The attention given to one particular child would make me VERY uneasy.

As per above, I would notify police/social services. They would at least be able to do a more thorough background check.

The child should never be left alone with this guy in the area, there should ALWAYS be an adult present, until the situation is rectified. If the child is uneasy or scared, make SURE the parents of the child know this. A child might often tell someone other than their parents what they are feeling, so it is important that all eyes and ears in the community are in tune.

The LAST thing I want to see on TV, is another kid found in the woods someplace!!!!!!!!

O8)

[Caution]

39. Just some comments

while this guy's behavior is obviously inappropriate (mowing the lawn in boxers is definitely odd). Holding a child's hand is not. Some people simply love children and don't think touching a hand is bad behavior. Americans are paranoid about this stuff because of the horror stories we hear. Explaining to the guy that you feel this to be inappropriate is a better course of action then calling the cops at this point and certainly the child should be told to stay away.

However, this guy has done nothing at all to harm the child and you are talking about reporting him to the police as a child molestor. The mere accusation of this is enough to ruin a person's life and this whole thing may be nothing at all. Protecting children is all well and good, but if we ran to the police about everything we thought was a potential threat we'd be a country of informers and I dont think anyone wants that. Kids are more aware than they are given credit for. The talk with the kid should include:

1.) There is no such thing as a secret between the child and a non-family member particularly when it comes to touching of any sort
2.) The child should feel free to tell any adult that they do not like being touched, even if it is just holding hands
3.) Stay away from this guy until you have a better feel for what kind of person he is.
4.) Under no circumstances should the child accept an invitation to go indoors with the person.

That should cover most of the bases. On top of that grow a spine and talk to the guy yourself. Don't accuse him but explain to him that you are uncomfortable with the way he interacts with the neighborhood children and explain that people in the US find that kind of behavior unacceptable and that they will start to view a person who behaves that way negatively and why.

The "inappropriate behavior" you describe boils down to this:

1.) Talking to children more than adults
2.) Holding a child's hand
3.) Mowing the lawn in his underwear

Not exactly Charles Manson territory, but certainly a cause for concern. But definitely not enough to get put this guy under the radar of the local cops.

[jimbo fett]

47. Completely off the subject but...

I love your mom's quote at the bottom of your post.

[rasputin1952]

54. I agree that paranoia slips into the equation...

but in this case it almost seems justifiable. By alerting the authorities, one is not necessarily "unleashing the hounds", but being cautious.

I think the thing that moved me to getting in touch with authorities is the apparent child's feelings of anxiety. When I was younger, I would go home and tell my parents what had happened at school, and generally it was brushed off. It was years after the death of the principal that many of the parents got together and realized how brutal this man really was. He was no a pedophile, but he was just downright brutal, (this was a Lutheran grade school in NYC). Things might have changed if the kids were listened to, and not just 'brushed off'.

I found out years after another mans death, he lived down the block from us, that he was a pedophile. As kids, we never felt threatened by this guy, and he always had a bowl of 'sourballs' candy for us to dig into. My brother, nor I were ever approached by this guy, but we found out later, that 3 other boys were molested by him. I swear to this day, I would have NEVER suspected this guy as being anything but a nice old man.

O8)

[Laughing Mirror]

52. Why don't you just go up to him and ask him flat out?

See what he says. I can't think of anything more obvious. If ever you suspect somebody of being something, just ask them. They might tell you.

[deminflorida]

56. I would keep and eye out, but really I think you've been watching

too much LifeTime Television.

[jimbo fett]

57. Well, being a man I'm not a big fan of Lifetime. ;-)

[Kathy in Cambridge]

60. I'm not either-and I'm a woman

;-)

[Ellen Forradalom]

63. A direct talk before resort to authorities is an excellent idea

because suspicions of pedophilia are explosive, and difficult to shake off. If it turns out the man is innocent, you may well have ruined his life. Talk to him and his sister first. The parents of the boy are the most appropriate parties to do this.

[jimbo fett]

66. Thanks, I'm hopeful we can sort this out without having to go "public."

I really hope it is a misunderstanding.

I'd rather be wrong about him and live next door to a quirky man than be right and live next door to a potential predator.

[private_ryan]

70. you never know

he might be one, they're weirdos /loners, or it's just a cultural thing. I would keep an eye, but calling the cops unless he did something bad (or you know for sure) is not fair. Reminds me of that freeper woman calling cops when she saw those Arab students in a GA restaurant.

on edit: where I come from cousins, family and friends always kiss each other kids and hold them in their arms, joke around and so on. None of them is a pedophile, I guarantee you. Maybe this man just needs to be briefied on US customs

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

76. Read this

Dale Akiki was a 36-year-old man in 1991 who was employed as a naval supply worker. He also volunteered at Faith Chapel in Spring Valley CA as a Sunday school baby-sitter and helper. He was accused by children at the church of abuse. The first Deputy District Attorney assigned to the case decided that there was not sufficient evidence to prosecute the case. There are allegations that the grandfather of some of the alleged victims is a prominent citizen of San Diego who had financially supported the District Attorney, Ed. Miller. After a alleged personal meeting with Miller, the case was reassigned to Deputy District Attorney Mary Avery who brought charges against Akiki.

During an extensive series of therapy sessions, the children began to tell stories of Akiki mutilating and/or killing a baby, an elephant, a giraffe and rabbits in their presence. They also said that he had kidnapped them, taken them in his car, raped them, dunked them in feces-filled toilets, sodomized them with curling irons and toy firetruck ladders, forced them to play naked sex games, hung them upside down, threatened them with guns and knives, urinated on them, and assaulted them with blood torture rituals. All of this abuse allegedly occurred during a series of 90 minute Sunday school classes. Actually, the available time to transport and abuse the children would have been less than 90 minutes, because considerable time would have been needed to clean up the children and to calm them down so that they would not have been hysterical when their parents returned. None of their parents or the Sunday school supervisor observed any abuse. Sodomizing young children would have had to have left massive telltale evidence of abuse. But no physical evidence was ever introduced at trial.

Due to a genetic defects, Dale is developmentally handicapped, his chest is concave, and his head is unusually large. He is unable to drive. He does not own a car and has no license. 43 counts of child abuse were laid. Other adult co-conspirators were accused but not indicted.

Akiki spent 30 months behind bars waiting for a trial. After a 7 month trial, the jury deliberated for 7 hours and acquitted him of 35 charges involving dozens of children. The jury lashed out at the prosecutors for bringing the case to trial in spite of the complete lack of physical evidence. It was the longest and most expensive trial in San Diego history. Six months later, District Attorney Ed Miller was turned out of office after receiving only 11% of the popular vote. Public backlash over ritual abuse cases has been blamed for his defeat. With 23 years of service, he was the longest serving District Attorney in the history of California


http://www.religioustolerance.org/ra_akiki.htm

[Dookus]

78. Thank you NSMA...

This kind of stuff is horrifying. The whole Satan-worshipping child abuse thing was one of the nastier cases of mass hysteria ever in this country. Countless lives were destroyed with NO evidence - just the induced fantasies of a handful of children.

I have no idea whether the man being discussed here is a pedophile, but I'd hope there'd be a helluva lot more evidence than "holding a child's hand" before the accusation was made publicly.

[chiburb]

80. Why are you trying to inject caution in this thread?

How dare you! The man is clearly not only a threat to someone's child, but to the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. And also clearly, it is unreasonable of you to imply that that the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD should stop assuming that this man is John Wayne Gacy reincarnated.
I expect more from such an esteemed member of DU...


;)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

81. Oh I wholeheartedly think he should get the death penalty

given the absence of any hard evidence. Why wait til he commits a crime?

Besides, they are doing it for his own good. If he mows the lawn in his "boxers" again ( I mean GOSH Dolphin shorts look just like boxers and if it was a warm day this is just too freaky) and a rock flies up, he could cause more harm to himself than a permanent scar on his record for being different on a sunny day.

[jonnyblitz]

85. good post.

I hear ya.

[TrogL]

83. kick

The morning crowd should see this.

:kick:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

84. I think you need to proceed cautiously….

As indeed, the indications are that you have been doing and I would commend you for not rushing to judgment or making assumptions about the individual in question. Your handling of the situation has so far been balanced and very level headed, IMHO.

There is a chance that the individual in question may be a paedophile. Certainly some aspects of his behaviour are very disturbing and questionable and I would agree with the adage that it is better to be safe than sorry. On the other hand, it may just be that you are misinterpreting the individual and his intentions and reading too much into his behaviour.

Let’s look at what you have written and I’ll see if I can provide some advice/suggestions. I am aware that other people have provided some of these suggestions as well but I would consider that it would be worthwhile reiterating them.

< Almost everytime the kids on our cul-de-sac are playing outside (with parents) the man in question comes out and strikes up a conversation with the 8 year-old boy. He pays little or no attention to the adults or other children.

He asks this boy many questions and gets into his "personal space.">

Consider this. The individual in question is approaching an eight year old kid who is in the company of adults. This may mean one of two things. Either:
He is trying to get the trust of the kid or the parents by approaching them while they are with people they love and trust and he may take it further from there. The fact that he violated his personal space does make me feel quite uncomfortable with his behaviour and could suggest something more sinister. He needs to understand about the concept of “personal space”
On the other hand, perhaps he is just more comfortable conversing with children (for reasons I will outline below) and considers that talking to them while they are in the company of their parents and/or people that they trust is the right thing to do and may make the child feel more at ease. If he is a paedophile, the fact that he is that willing and brazen as to approach the child in the company of adults and to act in a way that is suspicious is quite strange. If something happens to the child, he will be considered the first suspect because of his manner of interaction with the individual child during the above.

Let’s examine the scenario that the individual in question is not a paedophile. Why is he hanging around this particular child and behaving so inappropriately?

It could be that he has a mental or physical disability and that he feels more comfortable talking and interacting with children. When I was significantly younger –from approximately the age of eight to my mid-teens-we (my sister and I) sometimes used to get approached by people with some sort of mental or physical disability who would talk to us and only utter a few words to our parents. On one or two occasions I would also see how some adults would treat these people with mental disabilities –one or two of them were very condescending and/or offensive to them-whereas my sister and I would engage in conversation with them and treat them as equals. Kids can sometimes be a lot more understanding than adults and perhaps the individual in question has had some bad experiences in the past. I am not talking about you and your neighbours –I mean that he may have had some bad experiences with adults before he moved into the neighbourhood and he may have gained the impression that children were more willing to listen. This may also explain why he took the child’s hand –he is unaware of the boundaries when dealing with children. He may get lonely being stuck in the house with no one to talk to but his sister and perhaps that is why he approached the individual child.

It may also be that he has experienced some form of racism or prejudice from adults before he moved into your neighbourhood and that therefore he has found children to be more tolerant and accepting of his differences.

As for grasping the hand of a child, I would consider that this is unacceptable behaviour within the context of American society and the neighbour somehow needs to be made aware of that. There may be reasons why he does this that are perfectly innocent but I would not feel comfortable with a stranger doing that to my nephews and nieces (don’t have any children yet and don’t intend to). He needs to know that this kind of behaviour is perfectly unacceptable.

You also stated that the child feels uncomfortable with his behaviour. In that case, the individual in question must be made aware that his behaviour is unacceptable and must desist. Maybe you could have a quiet word to the sister of the individual in question or tactfully raise the issue with him next time he approaches the child. And make sure the child –and for that matter all the children-know about body touching/being cautious and not talking to strangers/saying no to candy and so on. I think you all may want to take extra precautions –just to be on the safe side and not necessarily because this guy is suspicious. Never let your children walk home, play or whatever else unless they are being closely supervised or monitored by an adult. I apologize –I’m not trying to patronize you here but you never can be too careful. Read some of John Douglas’s books –he has some particularly relevant advice for kids

< Another odd thing was on Halloween night when we came by this man's house (at this point we only thought he was weird - not dangerous) he gave the children candy and then reached in his wallet and gave each kid several dollar bills>

This sounds like the kind of thing my second cousin in Detroit would do –not because he’s a paedophile but because he’s very generous and also likes to flaunt his wealth. This may just be an act of generosity or it may be what he is used to in his culture. My uncle and various other friends of the family always used to give us money on special occasions. Perhaps that is what he is used to. Have a talk to the sister and just casually mention it and see what her reaction is. It of course goes without saying that these kids should never go out trick or treating unsupervised by an adult.

< The man has also been outside mowing the grass in his boxer underwear with his "manhood" clearly visible through the fly. And when an adult goes outside he goes in and puts on pants>
Now this is just spooky. I can understand that sometimes you can get hot when you are mowing the lawn and may want to dress down but, if he goes in and puts on his pants when an adult comes by, he KNOWS he is doing something wrong. He should be making sure that his “manhood” is completely covered –and he should probably be wearing at least some kind of shorts or less revealing clothing. Yes, I know boxer shorts are not your average underwear but still he should probably be wearing something that gives him adequate protection down there. Someone needs to have a word to him or his sister about this. Or perhaps you should get someone in a position of authority to have a word with him about this.

One thought about this. If the guy has a mental disability, perhaps he is unaware of the implications of going around so underdressed. Perhaps he puts his pants on when adults come because his sister/parents have told him off for behaving in that fashion and he knows that people don’t approve and that he shouldn’t be doing it –but doesn’t realize the implications or the severity of his actions. Does his sister know about this? Maybe, if not, you should raise it with her. Regardless of his condition, this is totally unacceptable and obscene behavior and it needs to be stopped NOW.

Once again, this is a very complex case. My advice would be to remain vigilant but not McCarthyist. I think you and your neighbours are handling the situation excellently and tactfully. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best

[jimbo fett]

92. Thanks. I really appreciate your thoughts.

You obviously gave this a lot of thought and I'll keep much of what you say in mind.

[cally]

86. I think if the child

feels uncomfortable than adults need to take action. I would talk to the man about his behavior. I would also talk to all the children about what is appropriate. I wouldn't scare them about this one particular man, but teach them how to be safe.

All of his actions could be innocent and cultural differences. Even mowing the lawn in his underwear. Some people don't worry if children see them undressed. It also could indicate something more serious. By talking to him about how some of his actions make you uncomfortable and trying to befriend him then you can find out more about the situation. Also, you are showing all the children in the neighborhood that you trust their instinct and you do take them seriously. I would also explain to them that it may be cultural differences and they need to not be prejudiced. The boy should be told to speak up and tell the man to stop holding his hand or talking only to him because he feels uncomfortable.