Opinions wanted...

[TOhioLiberal]

...My neighbor and I were discussing my STBE's abrupt departure. He said that in order to start healing, I have to get angry. I think that's a fine idea and all, but I've never had a lot of success in relating my anger to him (he always throws it back at me). I was wondering, would a letter do the same thing? Or does there HAVE to be some give and take?

[bridgit]

1. oh they say some people need that 'release moment', and that a letter helps...

externalize feelings and all that stuff, but some 'other people' could care less and only smirk at the letter itself, read it out loud with unintended emphasis, etc...maybe get angry if you must, but then internalize, then get cold & flat, tag it/bag it & move on

[TOhioLiberal]

8. I'm not sure I understand...

...are you saying that I shouldn't send him a letter? Write the letter but not give it to him?

[bridgit]

26. yeah darlin, i wouldn't give him any more than you already have...

i've seen some of your posts on the subject go past, and i think you've fought the good fight :hi:

as someone else suggested as well, writing the letter may be better than actually giving it to him

and while i am in no way suggesting you not remain aware of the people in your life you love & care for; i am suggesting that you schedule some 'you time' somewhere in the mix...somehow

and that i understand may be hard to reckon at this point in time, but the time will come and so i say be kind to yourself when it does

:hug:

[LibraLiz1973]

31. I agree- Write the letter but DO NOT give it to him

You don't need to give him anything else.
The letter in and of itself is therapeutic.

[crim son]

2. I think a letter is a good idea if you're reluctant to speak face to face.

Not only that, but you will probably be able to get your thoughts, your anger etc. down more coherently and meaningfully if you write rather than yell. Sometimes anger is all we have left and it must be expressed. I'm sorry, TOhioLiberal.

[TOhioLiberal]

9. Thanks Crim son...

:hug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

3. An abrupt departure after 20 years calls for longer than a moment of anger...

Anger expressed (but not acted upon) is healthy. You acknowledge your own emotions and your boundaries.

I don't mean to be harsh, but to help you take care of yourself through healing, by saying that it looks like you've been betrayed.

Vent. Get the emotion out (but don't practice it over and over). Acknowledge how your ego's expectations and needs have been disrespected. And if you did anything to create or allow this, if I may be bold.

It's just that understanding and accepting what's going on with you, will allow for peace, and the Next Good Thing.

Best of luck.

[TOhioLiberal]

10. Thanks Peake...

...you've given me food for thought.

[badgerpup]

4. Go ahead and write the letter.

Don't hold back. Let 'er rip. :argh:
BUT:
just remember nothing in your contract says you actually have to send it.
(like the one I never sent to my sister...:nuke:)
Sometimes it's better not to do so, if you're trying to bring closure to a situation and not escalate it.
If you really need it to be seen, here's a site.
http://www.dearsoandso.com/
No guarantee however...and threats and profanity will deep-six you before you even get started.

[TOhioLiberal]

11. Thanks badgerpup...

...I am leaning toward writing but not sending it.

[idgiehkt]

5. okay.

first off, is this really true for you? In order for you to start healing, do you have to express your anger at the ex? Or is this something that your neighbor thinks you need to do? I just don't understand the point in drumming up more drama for yourself since his tail is already out the door (unless you feel it's something you really need psychologically). I wouldn't expect him to get invested in a confrontation, it'll probably just make him scarcer, since he's rolling on down the road to his new life. You have to do what is right for you of course but the legal aspects of the separation is more what I'd be concentrating on, is he going to leave you the fair share of possessions and pay alimony and all of that. You deserve to be treated right; if you haven't worked then he should pay alimony til you get on your feet. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

12. I'm not sure if it's right for me...

...which is why I brought it up in the first place. I figured there's enough people here who've had similar situations thrust upon them for the insight I need to get a handle on it. Act on it or trash it.

I am getting things done that need done. This is just what's consuming me right now.

[SPKrazy]

6. there is no one way to feel...

there are usual feelings that go with grief

however... that said, you may have felt grief for a long time...

you do what you need to do.

letters, face to face, whatever.

you've been hurt and i'd be surprised if you didn't feel anger, but I've seen you posting and it seemed anger was perhaps there :shrug:

:hug:

it's about you TOL, not anyone else...

do what is right for you and don't feel like it will be clear suddenly either.

[TOhioLiberal]

13. The anger's getting worse...

...I have to do something. Or it'll be ulcer-ville for me. He's seemingly happy and I'm stuck here. In limbo. How do I get past it? I have to do something or he'll be a part of every relationship I have from now on.

I'm going to Texas. Will I be taking him with me, metaphorically speaking?

[SPKrazy]

16. metaphorically speaking

you likely will, and writing a letter may help. Try anything. Getting past it? Time, dunno what else it will take for you, probably will never not be something that doesn't elicit a feeling. In time hope for indifference. That will come over time. Talk about it with others, write about it. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

:hug:

[skygazer]

20. May I address the "will I be taking him with me?" question?

I'm pretty skeptical of the idea that people can completly "get over" things like this. The trick, in my humble opinion, is to learn how to incorporate that into your life without letting it own or poison you.

I carry a lot of painful things from my past within me. For many years, I suffered terribly because I really thought I was doing something wrong, that I ought to be "past" them or "over" them.

I finally realized that they were deep, profound events in my life that changed me significantly and had great bearing on who and what I was. You don't just forget or lose those things. They become a part of you.

He WILL be a part of every relationship you have from now on but it doesn't have to be in a negative way. You have to recognize what was good there, recognize what was not, learn from what you can, accept what you cannot change and, most importantly, move forward with knowledge and enlightenment.

Own your past instead of letting it own you. :hug:

[skygazer]

7. Well, I don't know that you HAVE to do anything scripted

I mean, what works for one person may not work for another. If you feel like you need to release anger, then by all means do so but you also don't need to aim it directly at him. He doesn't need to respond to it and if he's always thrown it back at you, it probably would just be an exercise in frustration anyway.

If you really want to release some anger, I've found that writing out exactly what I feel really helps. I don't necessarily give them to anyone - as a matter of fact, I usually don't. It's just expressing it that's helped me.

But at any rate, what matters is what feels right to you, now what your neighbor thinks. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

14. You make good points...

...I am leaning toward at least writing it out.

[SeattleGirl]

15. You may not be in that place yet.

You may be in shock. You may be mostly numb. You may be feeling a lot of other things besides or except anger.

I'm not disagreeing with your neighbor; writing a letter (even if you don't send it) can be very cathartic and healing, but don't FORCE yourself to feel a feeling you may not have gotten to yet.

Everyone is different. Everyone reacts to situations differently.

:pals:

[TOhioLiberal]

17. I don't know SG...

...what I'm feeling. Numbness is there certainly. I have a lot of anger and it's making it difficult to see past it. I'm so frustrated and angry I don't know what to do.

[Fire Walk With Me]

19. Cry and then go buy yourself something nice.

[SeattleGirl]

21. Well, as I said, you are probably experiencing a lot of differerent

emotions. My only point was that if you aren't at the place where writing a letter, or giving him whatfor to his face, don't force it.

On the other hand, if you ARE there, don't hold it back.

And it could be that if you decided to write a letter, it might be more of a process over time, as opposed to a sit-down-once-and-do-it kind of thing.

And one more thing: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

18. I don't know what to say...

and I don't think I have the life experiences necessary to offer you any sound advice...but I do want to offer you my best wishes and tell you that everything will be alright, because things naturally have a way of working themselves out over the longer run. :hug:

[Deja Q]

22. I've to say the same thing, and you said it much better than I could.

To you, TOhioLiberal - :hug:

To Philboy - :pals:

[LeftyFingerPop]

23. Thank you...

Hypnotoad :pals:

And TOL...here are some more hugs, because we all need more hugs :hug: :hug:

[Deja Q]

24. And to you!

And why can't we have a group hug?

:grouphug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

25. group hug...

:grouphug:

[TOhioLiberal]

30. Thanks Hypno...

:hug: :*

[TOhioLiberal]

29. Thanks philboy...

...The hug's appreciated. :hug::hug:

[Redbear]

27. Hey TOL, Im going through something similar and have wondered

what to do with my anger too.

Although I think its very important to vent, express, and deal with your anger, there are many ways to do that that do not involve your STBE. Friends, family, counselors, poetry, journaling etc are all good ways to get it out.

Some people do need to let the other person know how much they have been hurt. Others figure it's just a waste of time or that they are so deranged they will enjoy seeing you so upset. Only you can answer that question.

So, why are you headed to Texas?

[TOhioLiberal]

28. I have some friends...

...in San Antonio. They have a spare room that they said I could use to get back on my feet. I'll be going early next month. So I guess we'll be neighbors (sorta). :hi:

[Redbear]

32. Hi soon to be neighbor

Thats great you have those friends. San Antonio is a very good place to chill out for awhile.