Need your guys unbiased opinion. Am I wrong? Or right?

[Mutley]

If there is one thing that is surely true about DU, it's that people will be bluntly honest, and I need that right now.

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about two months ago. We still live together because our lease isn't up until April, and neither of us can afford to move or live in this house alone. He started seeing someone else shortly after we broke up. I didn't flip out or show jealousy. For the most part, anyway. I am human. I asked him for two things that I didn't think were too much to ask: that he not bring his new girlfriend to the house, even when I'm not there, and that he not lie to me. And I didn't mean that he could never bring his girlfriend over. I just meant that for a while, until I had a chance to get over him, I'd like my house to be a sanctuary where I never have to worry about running into her. He agreed. Whether it was too much for me to ask that he not bring her over, he agreed and promised that he wouldn't.

A few times along the way I questioned whether he was bringing her over, and he got angry with me, saying that it hurts him that I would think him so inconsiderate and disrespectful of our friendship. He actually made me feel like a horrible person and a horrible friend for thinking such a thing. I apologized, and meant it.

For the last week or so he's been very flirty with me and even suggested a few times that we should hook up "for old time's sake". I did not hook up with him, because I know that doing so would be too hard for me emotionally. He also said he might not be as into her as he thought he was because her family is "a bunch of rednecks".

So, today I decided to go home for dinner during my break at work. I didn't think he would be there because he'd said he and his girlfriend were going to the movies and dinner. And I'm sure you're already thinking it -- yes, the two of them were there watching TV. I lost it. Well, not too bad. I said to her, "you should know that he's been trying to get me to fuck him for the last week." Then he went out to my car with me and we fought about it. I told him that I couldn't be his friend if he's not only going to lie to me, but also make me feel like shit over something that he knows I was right about.

So, cut through several hours of us texting threats at each other. He started apologizing and asking me to please stay his friend. He said I was his best friend and he was all torn up at the thought of losing me in that way. I told him that the only way I could consider staying friends with him is if he told her the truth about trying to sleep with me. I think she should know. He instantly got pissed again and said I was being unreasonable. He said that I was trying to make him chose between me and her. And sure, the evil side of me would feel some satisfaction at her leaving him. But the reality is that if he lets her believe I was lying, and he hasn't been trying to cheat on her, then he has no integrity, and he's going to hurt her as badly as he's hurt me. I just don't think I want a friend like that in my life.

So, yeah. What does DU think?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear mutley...

My first thought? He's using you. He most likely was bringing her over when you suspected him...

And then to make you feel like a horrible person? That just sucks.

And then he's trying to seduce you all over again? Good grief.

I think he's rather immature, and you need to be rid of him.

April is too damn far away.

Get a new roomate!

You deserve much, much better!

Fuck him, and I don't mean that in a good way, either...

:hug: for you...

:spank: for him...

[Mutley]

3. Mrs CP.

You are awesome! :hug:

So, you don't think it's unreasonable that I ask him to tell her the truth?

[NewJeffCT]

18. I'd agree with Peggy

she said it much better than me - and I'm a guy.

[XemaSab]

2. He's an asshole

I know you're going to spend time fretting about it, but the sooner you're totally over it, the happier you will be.

And thank God you're not still with him, he sounds like a creep. :(

[Mutley]

4. You're right.

I shouldn't even be thinking of staying friends with him. :(

[billyskank]

5. He's an asshole.

He's the sort of 'friend' I would keep at arm's length.

:hug:

[Mutley]

7. *Sigh*

Why am I so blind to such things in people? :(


:hug:

[billyskank]

8. Because you're not like him.

It's a good quality. Trust me.

:loveya:

[Mutley]

10. It is a good quality.

I do like that about myself. But sometimes it makes me feel naive. And it sure does lead me into some fucked up situations. :(


:loveya: You're the best.

[lildreamer316]

15. We've all been there.

It is only the most cynical of us that never lets someone in, and thus is never dissapointed.
I've trusted many ppl in my life, and been blind to how they were using me.
However, I am the one who ended up with a wonderful husband, a lovely healthy son, and myriad other things I know I am very grateful for.
Good things do come to those who love...really.
I think you did the right thing, completely. If he could not abide by your rules, he should have been man enough to say so.
I am sure the other woman will not thank you for it, but you were looking out for her.
Try to get some distance today and that may help. Yes,even physical distance helps.
Best of luck.

[VenusRising]

6. It sounds like an emotionally manipulative situation.

He seems like he's trying to have his cake and eat it, too.

I don't know what it is about some guys that believe that women will sleep with them post-breakup because they slept with him before. :banghead:

Maybe bringing her over was a way to incite jealousy after you turned him down. Even so, it's another manipulation. Making you feel guilty for questioning him - manipulation. It doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship from what you've told us. It's better to move on and find friends that aren't going to manipulate or emotionally abuse you.

You deserve much MUCH better.

:hug:

[Mutley]

9. Well, I do have other friends who are not like this.

And honestly, I was thinking about trying to maintain a friendship as much for the sake of making the time we have to live together easier as I was thinking about wanting a part of him in my life. Why didn't I realize before what an asshole he is?

[VenusRising]

11. Oh, I completely understand!

I had to live with an ex-fiance after he knocked up some other girl because we had the same lease and money issues that you are having. It was worse because she WAS over all the time because she was pregnant and they were going to keep it. They even ended up married eventually.

It wasn't long after that that I met my husband, and I didn't care much after that.

I wish you lots of luck in your time left there. But stick to your guns and don't let him make you feel guilty. It's NOT you. I swear.

We all have blinders on in relationships. The thing is that when the relationship comes to an end, you try to learn something from it so you don't repeat it down the road. You may not find the lesson right away, but there is one there waiting to be discovered.

Hang in there. :hug:

[Mutley]

12. Okay. Thank you.

:hug:

At least I know I'm not the only one ever to go through this, or something similar. :P

[VenusRising]

13. At least no one in your story is pregnant.

That's WAY better than where I was. :rofl:

[Zavulon]

14. I was in your situation once.

The "not able to afford to move" thing wasn't so much a part of it, in our case there were only three months left on the lease and we simply chose to stay living together until it was up.

My ex did exactly what you described with your "A few times along the way I questioned whether he was bringing her over, and he got angry with me, saying that it hurts him that I would think him so inconsiderate and disrespectful of our friendship. He actually made me feel like a horrible person and a horrible friend for thinking such a thing. I apologized, and meant it." Even after I agreed not to bring my new girlfriend over, she asked the same goddamned question every fucking day.

In my case, I didn't do the "got angry with me, saying that it hurts him that I would think him so inconsiderate and disrespectful of our friendship" thing, I just said - repeatedly - that I gave her my word, and I should get credit for keeping it without the fucking DAILY interrogation I was getting, until she has reason not to give me such credit. At that point, I had moved on to someone else and she hadn't.

I kept track of it - on the THIRTY SEVENTH straight day she said "You're not bringing her over, are you?", I lost my patience with the idea of trying to be a nice guy, and I brought her over. After over a month straight of that unwarranted shit, I decided that since I was being hassled for no reason I would give her a reason to give me the same hassle I was going to get anyway. The shit I got from my ex that night, while long and loud, wasn't NEARLY as annoying as the daily horseshit I was putting up with from her.

I have no idea what the rest of your circumstances are. If, for example, he's paying the rent and you're simply living there, as was the case with me paying the rent and my ex living there, your right to make demands is limited - but in any case if he agreed, I believe you had an obligation to shut up about it until he broke his word. If you chose to hassle him about it and he decided to bring her over as a lesson, then (and I remind you that you asked for brutal honesty here), my sympathy for you is limited.

If, however, you are both paying equal rent and had a mutual understanding on both sides (for example, you not bringing a boyfriend over), I'm a little more sympathetic. You still shouldn't have done the "A few times along the way I questioned whether he was bringing her over" thing unless he had already broken his word, though.

As for him hitting on you, that's just what live-in exes do when taking their time moving away from each other. My ex and I were still having sex until the day our lease expired, even though towards the end of our lease she had found someone else and I was still with the same girl (we weren't exclusive) I brought over that one day just to shut her up. Your ex sounds like a bit of a jerk, but to be perfectly honest I'd really want to hear his side of the story before passing full judgment. I don't mean to be cruel, but your "A few times along the way I questioned whether he was bringing her over" didn't score many points with me at all.

Sorry, but you did ask for blunt honesty.

[Mutley]

21. That's fine. I did ask for blunt honesty.

Yes, we both pay equal shares of rent, and if anything, I pay more for some of the other bills and necessities than he does. And yes, it was a mutual agreement that neither of us brings anyone we're dating to the house out of respect for one another. I didn't ask him daily. I asked him literally a few times in a two month period. Three? Four maybe? And I have a million reasons not to trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

[Zavulon]

46. Ah.

Well, you've got more right to be upset than my ex did, then, in my humble but admittedly biased opinion. She didn't let me off as easy as 3-4 times in two months; as I indicated, she gave me the Chinese water torture treatment.

Assuming, that I have most of the facts, then, I'd be inclined to side with you.

[MsTryska]

16. Good lord..this is so very gay...or very french.

Drama!


Here's my suggestion?

Let it go. You just have to ride out your lease, and then you move on to your life. Let him do his thing - with her, without her, whatever. The most important thing? He doesn't get to see you sweat. You are a class act. You never lose your composure - because it's not worth it. it didn't take him long to make his dick a priority. Why are you sweating him?

Just be civil, be cordial, pay your share of the bills, and shut him out of the rest of your personal life. Not his business anymore and his life is not yours.

I feel for you tho, lady - this is a rough one. But NEVER EVER let 'em see you sweat.

[Mutley]

22. The more I talk to you, the more I like you.

:)

Thanks. :hug:

[MsTryska]

42. I like you too!

i took your advice btw - my situation is all smoothed over. thanks!

anyways - you know what would fuck with him? if you did a complete 180 and just said soemthing like..."you know what hon? I've been a complete jackass - you go ahead and do whatever you feel is right". And then go get your hair done, revamp the wardrobe, let him see you going out dressed to kill, and ignore him. Don't tell him where you're going or when you'll be back - just start living your life.

My situation was even worse than you and your ex - or better depending on how you look at it. My ex and i were still living together, but we also had the benefit of also working together and it was a very public breakup. (not that we created a scene, but everybody knew) the week after we broke up, i had been asked out by every single and available co-worker I had. I think some of them might have been pity dates. I dressed up for work everyday - i did my thing. He got to the point where he was whining that I was ignoring him and blah blah. I did finally go out on a date with a coworker - the best-looking one in the bunch. He took me to see No Doubt. In a goddamn stretch limo. I didn't do anything at all with him, and actually the ex gave me the perfect excuse to not do that - turned out he was camping out in his car, in my parking lot waiting for me to get home. One of my other co-workers told me.

I went home - raved about the concert and then went to bed. (he slept on the couch at that point).

I was at the point where I would never take him back (cheating on me is definitely squashes any chance of that happening), but I did want to leave him with regrets, and that I did. Nobody puts Baby in a corner!

[Tuesday Afternoon]

17. I would find another place to live ASAP

buh-bye ASSHOLE!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

24. yeah that.

[NJmaverick]

19. He is a complete and utter asshole

Consider yourself lucky to find out his true nature. It certainly shows you were much better off breaking up with him.

[Mutley]

32. He is that.

:)

[jobycom]

20. Well, he's lying to you, maybe lying to her. Hard to say if he's an ass or just weak.

First, I think the arrangement sucks. If he broke up, he should have moved out. If you and he mutually broke up, you should get over him and not make demands that he not bring someone over, and once you did make those agreements, you shouldn't question him unless you caught him. You say you didn't want her there because you didn't want to be startled and face hurting emotions, but that's not how you're acting. If he's making sure you don't catch her there, then you shouldn't worry that she's there--if you are worried that she's there even when you don't see her, then you are likely more worried about him and her together, than about suddenly facing her there.

Basically, I think your demand was a tad unreasonable, and I can understand (though not agree with) him saying he would honor it and still subtly breaking it. He lives there, where else is he going to go? The most you should ask for is that he make an effort to not bring her there while you are there. Also, note that you are empowering him, first by showing that you still have feelings for him, second by creating the situation where you and she are never in contact, therefore he has no danger of getting caught cheating with you.

That being said, him hitting on you, and worse, giving you the idea that the girlfriend is temporary and you might have a shot again, is wrong. He may be an ass, trying to manipulate everyone around him for his maximum benefit. Or, he may just be going with what he's feeling at the moment, trying to sleep with you because at that moment he really wants you and doubts his relationship with her, but still having no real long-term plans to follow through on promises. Either way, don't get caught in it. If it's the latter, I'd say you could stay friends, but draw lines. If it's the former, you don't need him around at all, because he doesn't have friends, he only has objects for his amusement. Only you can judge that.

As for telling his girlfriend, you had the right to tell her that, and she deserves to know. I don't think you can force him to tell her the truth--you did your part, it's between her and him now. If she chooses to believe him, that's her problem. I'd suggest not getting involved with them. Wanting them to fail out of jealous retribution is understandable, but weak. And the fact that you admit to that motive means your concern for him hurting her is not pure. Any way it goes, you told her what happened, and it's up to her to make decisions based on that. Anything further from you, unless she asks, starts to look psycho, in which case she would be less likely to believe you.

And you need to worry about controlling you, not him. You now know he won't or can't keep agreements with you, and that you can't trust promises he makes to you or to others. If you choose to remain friends, that's cool, but do so with open eyes. And be sure about yourself--it sounds like part of you still wants him. Get that straight in your head, either way, and stop sending him mixed, or weak, signals on that. He is certainly behaving badly by making passes at you and lying to his girlfriend about you, but that can only affect you, now that you see it, if you let it. Before, you didn't have all the information, so it was his fault. Now you do.

Bottom line--he's the ass for what he's doing, but your best response is to not let it affect you so much, and make decisions that reduce his power to manipulate you.

That's my take. I'm pathetic, though, so probably you should ignore me. :)

[Mutley]

27. You're right, too.

Maybe I'm just still pissed, but I tend to lean toward the manipulative asshole route. Just thinking about him and the way he is with me and other people, he's doing it subconsciously at the very least.

I think it's a little of both, that I don't want to catch her there, and I'm worried about the two of them together. And I know my concern for her is not pure, but there is concern nonetheless. But I was thinking more along the lines of if he's willing to lie to her about something that big, then he'd lie to me about anything at all. I can't trust him. I don't expect perfection in the people I keep around me, but some sort of compassion and integrity is a must.

A part of me does still want him, even though logically I know that would be the worst decision of my life. That, however, is just residue of missing the way things used to be. Or, at least the way they seemed to be. So I think. I'm no shrink or anything, though. :P

But yes, the bottom line is that I need to make decisions that reduce his power to manipulate me. Now that I know the whole story, that should be easier to accomplish.

[MilesColtrane]

23. I don't see how you could live with a person with whom you've just ended a relationship.

I'd sooner live on a friend's couch than have to see a fresh ex every day.

[Mutley]

28. The least is as much of a problem as the money.

I'm sure I could find someone else to room with if I absolutely had to, but I'd still have to pay rent on this place.

[LeftyMom]

25. One of you needs to find a roommate to take over the other's share of the lease.

This isn't a healthy situation.

[Mutley]

30. We can't sublet.

I asked the property manager when we first broke up and she said that would be considered subletting which is against the terms of the lease.

[LeftyMom]

33. Then you need to get the other person on the lease.

You should be able to just have them do the same forms you did when you applied.

If your property manager isn't being reasonable about this, that's definitely unreasonable. Dealing with people coming and going due to break ups, shifting roommate situations, etc is part of the job.

What does your lease say about leaving early? Here leases are generally written so that you're not on the hook if you find a replacement tenant. Maybe you could find somebody to take over the rest of the term? You might want to talk to a landlord-tenant lawyer or a tenants rights group to find out what your options are under your lease and local law.

[Mutley]

34. I think I will, actually.

My stepmother is a real estate agent, so she should know some people like that from work. I really do need to get away from him. I'd rather he moved out. I hate moving and I like this house. But if I am able to work something out with the property manager, and he still refuses, then I will just have to find him the shittiest roommate that ever did live.

I guess I'm showing my evil side again.

[skygazer]

26. My take on the situation

1. It's not reasonable to expect smooth sailing when you continue to live with an ex.

2. It's not reasonable to ask him not to bring his new girlfriend to the place that after all is HIS sanctuary too, especially when you're not there.

3. That said, if he agreed not to, he should not have.

4. His hitting on you was beyond sleazy.

5. Some people you just can't remain friends with, nor should you.

[Mutley]

31. Yes, and I admitted as much to him.

About it being unreasonable to ask him not to bring her over there. But at the same time, he did agree not to.

Yeah, since I posted this, I've realized that the friends thing is not a good idea at all.

[Tikki]

29. She must be wondering why he's still living with you...

This is too complicated, it's messing your mind...you need to move to a quiet, serene place.
I hope you haven't forgotten how to do something good just for yourself.
This is about you...not him.

Tikki

[ismnotwasm]

35. That's mean

A plain mean thing to do. Personally, I don't allow chronically cruel, shitty people in my life. The poster above said it best, you're a class act and don't let 'em see you sweat.

In the meantime, make positive plans for yourself minus the ex-boyfriend. Over the years I've found having personal happiness the best revenge, probably because it wasn't intended revenge, just me living a good life.

[Haole Girl]

36. I'm really the last person to give relationship advice

That said, my gut feeling wants to tell you to stay away from that guy. It's not simply the lie. Most guys lie (or, at least, a lot of them). It's the way he manipulated you & made you feel like the guilty party when you questioned him.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. You're too good for that guy... that much I can tell. :hug:

[AwakeAtLast]

37. This person has some issues that you are not going to be able to fix

Get out of there as soon as you can - even if it means staying on someone's couch for awhile. So you stick him with the rent? He should have thought of that before he did what he did. Consequences are hard for some people to accept. He needs to start.

You have done everything in your power to remain cordial. If he cannot handle it, well, that really is his problem. So sorry you have to go through this !

:hug:

[hfojvt]

38. I think he was being human

As in, wanting to have sex with a girl he is attracted to, even when he is dating another girl. Dating is not the same thing as marriage, after all, and she is, presumably, aware that he is still living with an ex girlfriend.

You clearly still have some feelings for him in the sense of not wanting to see him with his new girlfriend.

I don't think it's proper to move in with somebody that you are not intending to marry, and I doubt if I would want to date anybody who was still living with an ex. Also, although I like break-ups to be mostly amicable, I cannot see the point of "staying friends" with an ex. Even if we were part of a couples group, I would find that kinda odd. Then again, I once tried to date this girl, and later she came into my bookstore with this guy and he seemed like a really neat guy.

After two months, I think you should have dropped the restriction of not bringing his girlfriend over.

[JVS]

39. 1. You cock-blocked your "friend" with your telling the GF, friends don't do that, EVER!

2. He also tried to get you in the sack, which is unorthodox for friends. Possibly he's looking for "friends with benefits"
3. You're not over him and you guys have not resolved things.
4. Thus you should probably accept that you are not friends, you are a failed couple

[HEyHEY]

40. Just don't speak to him for awhile - you need a break.

[BlueJazz]

41. I think you should go back to him and even Apologize.

I mean, you are a Doormat.. Right ??

(Said with Kind thoughts...)

[Mutley]

43. For the record

I told him that we cannot be friends, but I want to keep things civil and mature between us for the sake of peace until we can get away from one another.

I also told him that he can have his girlfriend over while I'm not there, but if he waves her around in my face I will be more than happy to return the favor. I explained that my new attitude will be one of I will treat him as he treats me. If he can be mature and civil, I will be mature and civil. If he wants to be an asshole, then I will be an asshole.

We shall see how this goes.

[hunter]

44. Blech...

This guy shouldn't be living with anybody. If he wants to have multiple "friends with benefits" he should have his own place, and he'd better not be thinking about living together with anyone else or getting married until he honestly believes he can make that commitment.

What you said in anger wasn't evil, it was fair warning to the new girlfriend.

If you manage to wait out the lease with him (even though I think that would be crazy) you'll probably have the satisfaction of seeing his next few relationships go down in flames. Keep your distance so you don't get burnt, and don't gloat, or at least do it only when he's not watching.

:evilgrin:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

45. Is there any way you can move?

It might help you heal faster if you have a new place with no bad memories. Maybe you could get someone else to sublet from you; or maybe you could just let it be his problem, since he's being such a scumbag.

I'm so sorry that you're being treated this way. :hug::hug::hug:

[PeaceNikki]

47. Run like the wind. Find a way to get out or get him out.