we just unmatched with the birthmother.

[ulysses]

(for reference - http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=862903)

Some funny business started in the last nine days or so, and she stopped being available when we called or returning our calls. I suspect that she got back in touch with another adoptive couple she'd previously talked with and that she had the baby over the weekend.

Dammit. We counted that unhatched chicken, too. At least we got the baby room finished - we now have a Pooh-themed room in the house. :)

[GOPisEvil]

1. Well...dammit...that stinks out loud!

At least you're all prepared now. *searching for the bright side*

[ulysses]

2. it's a worthwhile bright side

A lot more ducks in rows, and we've broken through a lot of uncertainty on our parts about how to handle phone conversations and the like.

[GOPisEvil]

3. Well, this adoptee will continue with the positive thoughts.

:-)

[ulysses]

4. much appreciated!

:hi:

[commander bunnypants]

5. good luck

DDQM

[ulysses]

6. thanks!

[xchrom]

7. another adoptee says

yay! good for you.
keep those left wing hand books for rearing children handy.

[ulysses]

8. LOL!

Just planning to set as good an example as we can. :)

[ulysses]

9. here's a Miss Manners question...

All the kids and parents at the school where I work got really excited over the impending (we thought) adoption, and one family jumped the gun and gave us a baby gift last week. Would it be better to put it in a drawer to wait for when we do get a baby and send them a thank you note explaining what's happened, or return it with said note?

[seaglass]

16. If I had given you the gift, I would want you to keep it. Your

adoption will be successful, it's just a matter of when. Send the note and save the gift.

I am sorry it didn't work out for you this time.

[ulysses]

18. that's what I was leaning towards.

Thanks!

[geniph]

35. Return it with the note, and let them

give it back to you if they wish.

[supernova]

10. Well, sorry to hear that Uly

Just means you were meant to find another birthmom. Somewhere there is a baby looking for you two. :grouphug:

[ulysses]

15. thanks

I've learned more about myself and patience in the last several months than I had in the previous 35 years...

[KG]

11. sorry to hear it, friend.

[ulysses]

12. thanks, Kirk

:hi:

[Tyler Durden]

13. A suggestion:

First off, no offense if you have checked this out already or are absolutely committed to a day-one infant.

If you are Hetero/married couple (most outfits are heavily Christian/Fundy) adoption from Korea is a piece of cake. They bring the child HERE and you don't have to fly THERE which is a fairly large hassle. I don't know how old the average baby is that they deliver, but no birth mother woes, and it averages cheaper than lawyer's fees here.

If you are not Hetero/married, one of you can fly to China and pick up a girl in the 6 to 18 months range with relative ease and obnoxious cost (the wife spent about 10 thou picking up her adopted daughter: she was 9 months old). Again, no birth mother BS, and also tends to be cheaper than here in the long run. Takes 1 to 3 weeks in-country.

Just a suggestion, as Cailee is 8 now and she is a PISTOL. Neat kid. Highly recommend Asian adoption (although I understand near/middle East is a comer these days.)

[ulysses]

14. we've talked about that

It's less the desire for a newborn (although we would like to have the baby experience once) than the prohibitive costs of going overseas. Domestic adoption is expensive enough right now. And we do believe in open adoption.

That said, going overseas or adopting a somewhat older child here is a real possibility later on. If not Asia, we're considering Central America - but that's all in the future.

[Tyler Durden]

17. As a single parent of 3 since birth...

...(their mother was essentially absent except for the actual birth), I can tell you that the "Baby Experience" is highly overrated.

#1 was colic for 18 MONTHS. I slept about 90 minutes at a whack and was near insane at the end of it.

#2 was in the hospital TWICE for life threatening respiratory ailments before the age of 1. I was aged about 10 years with that.

#3 was FAIRLY easy. You have to get lucky once in a while.

Adopting a HEALTHY older infant (6 to 18 months) is, to put it mildly, like getting a good deal on a well-broken in new car with less than 5K miles and a new car warranty.

No Birth Mother Blues is just icing on the cake, and if you knew my kids' BIPOLAR, MANIC/DEPRESSIVE, NON-MEDICATED birth mother, you'd agree with me that it's pretty nice icing.

[alittlelark]

49. Tyler is sooooo on target.

Our best friends tried for 3 years to adopt a newborn. Due to their atheist beliefs, they had troubles. They ended up adopting a 16 mo old girl who is now 5 and the sparkle in their eyes. She is beautiful and brilliant. A newborn (as the mother of 2) is a lot more difficult than you would believe.


This may sound sick to someone out there (in the context of the thread)- but adopting an older animal from the pound has always brought me greater pleasure than a kitten or puppy.

[arwalden]

19. Sorry To Hear The Frustrating News...

But considering her behavior of the past week... could this have been a signal that she would have been troublesome in the future?

I liked Charlotte's attitude (Sex & the City) when she said "our baby will find US", to describe her difficult quest to become an adoptive parent.

Good luck!

-- Allen

[ulysses]

20. it's possible

could this have been a signal that she would have been troublesome in the future?

We were actually offering more ongoing contact than she said she and the birthfather were interested in, so I'm not sure. We never did meet her face-to-face, although we offered to drive up and take her to dinner so we could all get to know each other - she balked at that, which was the first red flag.

Hell, it may have even been a scam, although she never asked for money. The agency never got proof of pregnancy. :shrug:

Thanks, Allen!

[proud patriot]

21. Gosh Darn it

well perhaps it was meant to be , and another who
needs you will come along soon .

:-(

[ulysses]

23. the waiting game continues...

We've gotten good at finding things to do in the meantime. :)

Thanks, proud.

[proud patriot]

33. Keeping the positive vibes coming your way

:loveya:

[Samurai_Writer]

22. The lack of respect for birthmothers...

on this thread makes me sick. If not for a birthmother, adoptive parents would never BE parents. A birthmother is surrendering HER CHILD to someone else. And yes, it is HER CHILD until she signs those papers, and she has EVERY right to change her mind.

Oh, and just to let you know... a woman who is pregnant is NOT a birthmother. Birthmothers are women who have surrendered already-born children for adoption. Just like people waiting to adopt are not adoptive parents. And pregnant women considering adoption are not "our birthmother". Potential adopters don't own them, and they are not incubators to give infertile couples babies.

Now that I've probably pissed off a bunch of people, I'll finish. My own sister and her husband adopted two girls from China, so I am not anti-adoption. Just anti - bigotted, closed, disrespectful adoption.

http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/2991/marybb.html

[ulysses]

24. I think you've responded to my adoption threads before.

And yes, it is HER CHILD until she signs those papers, and she has EVERY right to change her mind.

I don't think I or anyone here has said differently. It would have been nice to have been *told* that she'd changed her mind, if in fact she did, but that's neither here nor there.

Oh, and just to let you know... a woman who is pregnant is NOT a birthmother. Birthmothers are women who have surrendered already-born children for adoption. Just like people waiting to adopt are not adoptive parents. And pregnant women considering adoption are not "our birthmother". Potential adopters don't own them, and they are not incubators to give infertile couples babies.

Yeah, we've talked before. Please put aside your assumptions and read the initial post - I quite specifically didn't call her "our" birthmother for the very reason you cite, and we have never viewed her or any other "pregnant woman considering adoption" as a fucking incubator.

Just anti - bigotted, closed, disrespectful adoption.

Which is why we're pursuing a non-bigoted, open, respectful path.

[ulysses]

25. by the way,

I looked at your site listed in your profile a little while ago, and I have to say that you don't make a great case for openness in adoption by attacking people on semantic issues when they've willingly opted for open adoption already.

[Samurai_Writer]

26. I was responding to the thread in general...

and such tidbits as these....

"but no birth mother woes...Again, no birth mother BS"

"No Birth Mother Blues is just icing on the cake..."

"But considering her behavior of the past week... could this have been a signal that she would have been troublesome in the future?"

"Hell, it may have even been a scam, although she never asked for money. The agency never got proof of pregnancy."

Now *this* birthmother will just refrain from trying to educate people who are obviously all about 'getting a baby' and to hell with the birthmother. Not saying that is you, but it is obvious some people on this thread would much rather we birthmothers just shut up, push the kid out, sign the papers and disappear so they can all live as one big, happy, family.

[ulysses]

27. open adoption is a kind of scary thing

from the pov of the adoptive parents or those outside the process, largely because it's a newer way of doing things and because every instance of reclamation or birthgrandparents who move across the street from the adoptive family gets trumpeted in the media and by those who want to keep adoption closed. So I understand the concerns some folks (like my own parents) might have concerning "birthmother blues", even though I think those concerns are often well out of scale with the reality.

As to my own comment - Hell, it may have even been a scam, although she never asked for money. The agency never got proof of pregnancy. - I don't see where you have much of a case for disrespect of birthmothers if she wasn't pregnant in the first place. Scams do happen, all the time.

[Mrs. Venation]

28. Adopting A Child Is A Noble Act

and I am so sorry this didn't work out for you. Don't give up hope; somewhere there is a child who needs you.

[buddhamama]

29. bummer.

i'm awfully sorry. :-(

good vibes for you & the Mrs.
and the special being that'll someday have two wonderful parents.

[cally]

30. I'm sorry

:hug: I hope it all works out soon.

and radicalfemfl...I saw nothing disrespectful to birthmothers here. DUers are responding to the pain our friend is feeling.

[GreenPartyVoter]

31. So Sorry *hugs*

Here's hoping your baby finds you guys soon!

[Richardo]

32. Hugs to you and Mrs Ulysses....

Very sorry this one did not happen :grouphug:

[Insider]

34. sorry to hear that

stand fast. your little one is on the way, for SURE.

[geniph]

36. That one wasn't meant to be, John

but there will be another, and better one, that IS meant to be your child.

:hugs:

[blondeatlast]

37. I'm so sorry, guy.

Some little angel will find a loving home with you and Mrs. Uly, I just know it.

I can't even imagine how tough that is. Prayers for you and the Mrs. and the little one lost and the one yet to be.

We're with you.

[ulysses]

38. thanks, everyone.

:loveya:

[LWolf]

39. A perfect theme

whether you end up with a boy or girl.

It will be there ready to welcome the baby meant for you. Hang in there.

[SOteric]

40. This, of course,

means you two will be right back at the top of the Julsy Karma petition.

:hug:

[NewHampster]

41. I was there 22 years ago

Room was ready, presents from all over hanging in the closet. We had chosen the name Laura.

Day after birth the birth mother changed her mind. 72 hour waiting period.

My wife freaked, we went to an inn in Northern Maine and met a nice cat named Balthazar.

1 year later our Laura came home from the hospital wrapped in a quilt our neighbor had made. The room was empty this time because we didn't want to invest our hearts again.

When we were trying to decide on a name the second time our neighbor lobbied hard for us to keep the name Laura. We agreed and she didn't need to rip out the quilt she had made a year earlier. We laugh about that often.

The moral of the story is that like adoptive parents everywhere I look at my daughter and have no doubt that the first baby wasn't meant for us because I can't imagine a world without Laura.

Adoption does that to you often. Asked if I ever wish I had made different choices in my screwed up early life, I can only say no. Every choice I made was bringing me closer to Laura.




:hug:

[brook]

42. I'm sorry for such a letdown.

But like the other DUers, I'm sure there's a sweet baby
who will come into your life. I have a niece who after many
'letdowns' (some from Mother Nature) - mentioned her wish
to adopt a baby to her dentist. Long story short, she has
two lovely little girls now. Things work in mysterious
ways. You and Mrs. Uly are ready - your mystery's cooking.

[ScreamingMeemie]

43. My heart is aching for you. I am so sorry. You and MrsUly will

be in my thoughts. I hope we are soon able to share in a new bundle of joy with you.

:hug: Laura

[northofdenali]

44. Uly, I'm so sorry - but I have a feeling

good things will be coming to you soon. You're going to be wonderful parents!! :loveya::hug::loveya:

[put out]

45. Peace to you and your mate.

There will be some good things coming your way. I am so sorry for this loss, but have a sense of peace and love; it seems like it is coming from everywhere.

Kim

[Redleg]

46. I'm sorry to hear that and hope things work out for you.

Take care.

[Pithlet]

47. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I hope the baby room is occupied by a new little one soon. If you got that close, then it will happen for you eventually. :hug: Kev and I will be keeping you two in our thoughts, and hoping everything works out for you guys in the adoption process.

Good choice for a room theme. I love Pooh. I'm dreading my sons growing out of the pooh phase, because I never did :)

[ulysses]

51. it still strikes me as very strange

to have a Pooh room where my office used to be. It's pretty adorable. :)

Hey, I get my kid fix today - Ms Uly's brother's new wife is in Florida with her sick grandfather, and since I'm on spring break this week, I got tapped to take care of their four kids (3, 4, 9 and 11) today from 2-9...

[SarahB]

48. I'm sorry

I can't imagine the emotional ups and downs of what this must be like. I hope the best for both you and your wife. :)

[jpgray]

50. Hey, that's too bad, ulysses. Wishing you luck! (nt)

[ulysses]

52. thanks again, y'all

You're the best! :loveya: