Any tips/suggestions/comments for a valentine's day sonnet

[DarkTirade]

to someone who re-introduced me to ice skating, something I loved doing but couldn't for about 14 years until I moved to an area that had rinks. :)

Until the break of dawn I never knew,
what wondrous things awaited for me then,
such pow'rful songs so far beyond my ken,
with harmony and melody that grew,
to glide, to soar, to sweep you off your feet,
We stand above a mirr'r so calm, so still,
once water yet we cannot drink our fill,
but now our movements have become so sweet,
The waters now a surface for our art,
a canvas that is ours to write upon,
we carve its face and yet we're never done,
we stand on blades and yet they never part,
Together we discovered something new,
I never would have found it without you.

[nuxvomica]

1. It's a lovely poem but I have some notes:

Line 4: I would use "they" instead of "that".
Line 6: End with a period.
Line 7: "'Tis" instead of "Once".
Line 9: "canvas" instead of "surface". (Also, it's "water's".)
Line 10: "tablet" instead of "canvas".
Line 11: "etch" instead of "carve".
Try 'em out and see what you think. :thumbsup:

[DarkTirade]

2. Actually for line nine I meant waters plural, not possessive. :)

It does seem a bit strange that way... perhaps I'll just make it singular, water. The water now a canvas for our art.

I like replacing carve though, it just seems a little... harsh to say 'carving its face'. But I couldn't think of anything to replace that with. Hmm... etch works, but it just sounds a little funny.

Time to pull out the old thesaurus. :)

I like the tablet/canvas switch though, I'll definately incorporate that. And the 'Tis instead of Once, I like that one.

Thanks for the input. I'll play around with those. :)

*edit* Hmm... sculpt might work instead of etch... still doesn't quite sound right, but it's not as funny a word as 'etch'.

[nuxvomica]

3. I agree that "etch" sounds a bit funny

I had found "carve" a little worrisome because it connotes cleaving so I pictured the skaters breaking the ice and falling in. :)
The "water's" suggestion wasn't to make it possessive but rather a contraction of "water is". I found myself reading it that way because of the sound of "waters" so I thought the lack of an apostrophe was a typo. I think that having a verb gives it more power, too.
I guess my notes could've been less cryptic. Please keep in mind that I wouldn't have made any notes if it were not a good poem to start with. I enjoyed reading it and especially liked how you portrayed the skaters as artists. :)

[DarkTirade]

4. Thanks. :)

Rhythm and making the words feel right along the way isn't my strong suit, but I'm writing this for a girl who's rather literate and well educated, so I figured I'd better shoot high rather than low. My first instinct was to go with a dirty limerick... :P

Hmm... that idea does have some merit...

... nah. :)

[DarkTirade]

5. Present is made, thanks to the ever-so-helpful suggestions here.

And just in time, because I'll be seeing her tonight. :)








The rose is actually made out of green and red leather, believe it or not. Just a personal touch. She knows I've dabbled in leatherwork. Mostly for gothy and armory type stuff, but I figured since I use an upside-down rose as my logo on the leatherwork I've done, it might be a good idea to try and actually make a rose with leather. :)



The background image I used looks like this

[Rhiannon12866]

6. Wow! That is absolutely beautiful! You're very talented...

And I like the suggestions that you incorporated, too. You're absolutely right, you can find answers or help with pretty much everything, here on DU, generous folks that they are...:bounce:

Your lady friend is very fortunate and I'm guessing that she'll absolutely love it... :woohoo:

[DarkTirade]

7. I hope she does. :)

She's only going to be in town for a day and a half, so we won't actually get a chance to go skating together. :( Ah well. C'est la guerre. But at least I'll get to see her tonight and spend some time with her.

[Rhiannon12866]

9. I'm sorry that you'll have so little time with her...

Maybe your lovely gift will change her mind...;)

Lots of guys give candy or flowers for Valentine's Day (I was between two of them in line at the supermarket on Thursday, LOL.), but this is personal and comes from the heart, which will mean so much more. I'm sure she'll be greatly touched by your beautiful effort...:loveya:

Wishing you a special evening...:toast:

Rhiannon:hi:

[DarkTirade]

10. I refuse to give valentine's day gifts that aren't personal. :)

Just a personal quirk. Probably because the people I care about tend to be quirky and strange enough that the things you find on the shelf never quite fit them. :P Also, for me, making things is basically the reason for my existance. It's just what I do. So making a gift makes it even better. :) Besides, buying candy for her would be a pain in the patoot... she's allergic to most food colorings and all kinds of random chemicals that they put in food these days.

Unfortunately she really can't stay here though. This just isn't the right place for her at the moment. And I'm tied down here at the moment. Bad timing, really. But at least I got to meet her before she left. Had I not, I wouldn't even know what I was missing. And now there's one more person out there who cares about me. Who I can turn to when I need someone to talk to. Who I can make laugh with my jokes, or groan at my puns. :) And there's no taking back the time we did get to spend together, especially since she got me back into skating and I'm still doing that even though she's not here anymore. And she's continuing with it back home too.

[nuxvomica]

8. Wow! You don't kid around!

That's beautiful work. You're friend is going to love it. You should post it in the Lounge so more people will see it. :thumbsup:

[DarkTirade]

11. I wish I'd had the forethought to buy extra red leather

to try and do the rose a couple times... it didn't turn out quite as nice as it looks in the pictures. :) Which is why I just bought some superglue... to make sure it doesn't end up falling apart later.

I gotta say, your average super/crazy glue works wonders with leather. Especially with the fuzzy side. Or in the case of textured leather (which the petals are) or suede, both sides. Even if my stitches come loose, this thing ain't gonna fall apart anytime soon.