I can't take anymore

[blues90]

I have just about had it . Nothing seems to add up and nothing seems to be going anywhere . Each day there is some other horrific change for the worse and each day I find it more difficult to find any sort of balance in life .

There is all the old would have , should have , could have but now that does not seem to matter much anymore .

I know I made alot of the wrong choices in life but now with things being so different this does not matter at all .

I find even the things that used to seem important no longer do , one was my guitar and music but even this has become stale as music has changed or morphed into something that is not music anylonger and playing the same old songs does not cut it anymore .

I used to listen to alot of liberal radio but I find I have had to cut that back alot , you can only take so much of this surreal planet .

There are short bursts where some movie I never saw may come on and take me away for an hour or so , the old music just makes me sad that times have become what they are now .

I can't stand the high tech world with all of it's said greatness and promise , promise of what ?

The only thing on my side is that I am old now , I can't imagine being a teen these days unless they have become adjusted to the ways of this world being somehow normal , perhaps they have .

I suppose if you have children or grandchildren things are alot different and you are in touch with today .

Seven years of this endless horror is far to much to handle with no light at the end of the tunnel .

I know people who are my age and go on without knowing anything about what is going on and perhaps they are the lucky ones .

[TomInTib]

1. Goodness, blues90, you have put into words that which I think about every day.

With one difference.

In my case, the ladle dips a little deeper.

For I cannot abide with my own personal situation anymore.

I am tired of everything.

Tom

[peacebird]

8. TomInTib - your post made a shiver of fear race up my spine... please please

find something that brings you peace and joy... Step back and look at life with wonder - there must be something still to light a spark for you? Nourish that little spark, and may it warm your heart. Peace, friend.
:hug:

[Subdivisions]

32. I second that emotion. n/t

[SammyWinstonJack]

34. There are a lot of days where I couldn't care less if I wake up or not.

For I cannot abide with my own personal situation anymore.

I know that feeling, it is mine.

[fenriswolf]

2. ignorance is bliss

knowledge is pain

[peacebird]

3. Hang in there blues90. Maybe take a break from politics&DU for a while

Get outside and revel in the gorgeous fall weather. Find something new to learn. Take a break to regain your energy and your balance. As long as you have a solid center to the wheel, spokes can break yet the integrity of the wheel isn't lost. We need to be balanced - work/play, interaction/solitude, commitment to the community AND commitment to our own welfare.
:hug:

[pinto]

4. Hang in there. I hold hope for the future, progress to be made

and answers molded in the current situation.

The only fatalism I understand is that things will, as always, change. I kind of like that conundrum.

[Cabcere]

5. I don't know what to tell you, blues90

except just hang in there. :hug: I have often felt that way, too...like my life (and the world in general!) is going nowhere, and fast. Sometimes things just get so crazy that it's hard to find your center, to locate that balance point that will at least keep you sane for a little while longer - and believe me, I know that feeling! :hug: I don't know if any of this will help, but sometimes it feels good just to know you're not alone. :pals: My PM box is open if you want to talk or anything, and I hope things get better soon for all of us. :grouphug:

Peace,
~Cabcere

[The_Casual_Observer]

6. try Woodworking, gardening, yoga, hiking or something.

Get your mind off this negative shit, volunteer for some worthy cause. Live.

[blues90]

14. I have done alot of things

I did woodworking , even built my own guitars and tube amps . I have built cabinets and many things I once enjoyed .

I have never been much of a gardener or the out doors type but I have tried camping and fishing . My wife and I used to walk just for the pleasure of it .

Over the years especially the past 7 things around here have been torn down and replaced , people we knew in stores are gone and the stores no longer exist , people we knew in out building have moved away .

Since the entire surrounding area has changed it is not only a different place but an ugly , over crowded place and a walk requires breathing in the abundance of exhaust fumes .

I find no pleasure in working with my hands anylonger , there is no goal to be reached where there once was and beside this there is no money to buy wood and no scrap wood to be found .

i have gone from hobby to hobby and back again and now have reached a dead end . I used to write and draw and paint , this now only allows the anger and rage to surface but not go away .

I look around at this and other sites just so i know what day may be the day the bomb is dropped or the water has run out .

I had a good job that ended in oct 2004 right before the stolen elections , since then I had one other job and then bits here and there . I took years to work myself up to real pay but never over 50,000 and now I can't even get a job . Not that I liked my job but it did keep us going and I could deal with it .

So much has changed so fast I can't adjust to it . I pasted another year mark yesterday so that didn't help either .

We just scrape by now days and that's not so bad but coming from the era where the man is the bread winner now turned loser is always on my mind .

All I know is it's simply not the world I grew up in and it will never be again , this happens to every generation but just not quite so fast , it was always a gradual change where you could adjust and had support of friends that now many have passed away . I guess I'm just not good with change at least the change I see around me now .

[The_Casual_Observer]

17. We're only around for a few short years. Make them count.

[MzNov]

25. why don't you run for a local govt position, i.e., get involved

with something that might make a bit of difference? Re-direct your mind and creativeness from yourself for a bit and use your power to create change, not just react to all the bad stuff. And I hear ya too. Getting away from politics and progressive radio helps. A break for a day or two does wonders.

[Kurt_and_Hunter]

7. I get you

Well put... it's all quite alienating.

I say this without any snark at all... as someone with a lot of the same feelings I can see a lot of depression here. Depression can be rational and justified by events, while still being a sickness. The real world feeds the cycle... the brain gets used to joylessness, and forgets how to feel halfway okay.

1) Find more people to talk to, and don't talk politics with them.
2) Look into the newer SRIs. (If you have prescription drug coverage) Things like lexapro are miles ahead of the rougher old drugs like prozac

[caseycoon]

9. I'm so sorry blues 90...

I know what you mean. It's a totally different world from when I was growing up. A scarier world. I feel a lot of the things you are talking about & fight to keep the depression from taking over. I hope you can find your way through it.
HUGS!

[Fredda Weinberg]

10. My family is thriving. You can be adopted.

No, it's not better to be ignorant ... else I wouldn't have invested half my life educating myself. High tech promises an easier living than our parents enjoyed - and I don't wash dishes for a living or even watch over a roomful of kids. The machines that serve me also serve the public and I'm proud of the sites I've launched.

Take a step away from all media. I had to after 9/11 and it spared me endless grief. After all, the only real person I know who died was a typical New Yorker ... you know, a schmuck.

But gallows humor only goes so far ... as those who used to be stuck behind the iron curtain if these days are better and be surprised that your pessimism ain't shared ... action is the antidote to despair. When I get worried, I get bizzy.

[CountAllVotes]

11. blues90

I was just feeling exactly the same way before I saw your post (!). I'm not young either and I have no children and my health is not good.

Those SSRI drugs do not fix reality. I tried the great Lexapro, etc. etc. and they just made me worse.

No pill in hell can fix this f'd up reality. Just know you aren't alone in your thoughts.

We are truly living in a hell and I am as sick of it and as discouraged with it as you are.

Will this cycle ever end? I really don't know.

I'd say hang in there to you but I'm having a hard time "hanging in there" myself. :(

I think what really did it for me was seeing Cheney doing the thing at Arlington on television. :grr: It only adds insult to injury on this Veteran's Day.

Where have all the flowers gone?

CountAllVotes

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

12. "I know people who are my own age...

...and go on without knowing anything about what is going on and perhaps they are the lucky ones."

In some respects they are, at least in the near term -- but when the reality of being stripped of our humanity a little more each day, and finding no effective political redress, finally comes crashing down with all it's painful consequences, they will not be spared any more than you or I. Ignorance will serve as nobody's savior.

[Bobbieo]

15. In sympathy , Blues 90. I'ts my pets that keep me going!

Who else, in their right mind, would take care of two red-earred slider water turtles and their 6 hatchlings in the Southwest desert.

[stillcool]

13. I too am grateful ...

I am going down the hill and not up. I have found...lately...that reading up on world history, or astronomy helps me get some perspective on life...and death. My problem is that there is so little truth that can be ascertained...and what there is doesn't seem to matter. People argue about picayune bullshit, while the big things, life and deaths things slide right on by...as though it's all a sport. Maybe it is.

[blues90]

16. That's the thing , TRUTH

That's what's missing , there is none , the only truth is what I know about myself but to find it in anything else ,well there is the catch .

I maybe sport as you say or a chess game with only the few allowed to play and they play with lifes , they play with the planet and they play with our minds and our souls .

Sometimes I think why should it matter , it's always been this way , but it does matter because it's never been this bad or out in the open bad . We see it but what to do .

I get tired of it all .

[stillcool]

21. There is always some ..

voice inside of me that screams.."it does matter. life and death matters..and I happen to be alive at this time and place, and I have to at least acknowledge that...but the slow unraveling of one society, and the complete and catastrophic destruction of another is painful to observe on a daily basis over all these years. I have my own fantasy of what the future holds..and it is for the most part positive. What goes up must come down, and the end of an empire can mean the restructure, the rebirth of a society. When people are forced to care for each other for their own survival...maybe they will. It's that hallway thing..when one door closes another one opens, but it's hell in the hallway..sometimes it seems I will never get out of this hallway.

[The River]

18. As Someone In A similar Situation

when I find myself feeling down I read an untitled poem
by Alexander Pushkin (during (political) exile) in 1821.
It makes me realize:
1. It could be worse
2. He survived it, I will too.

"I have outlasted all desire,
My dreams and I have grown apart;

My grief alone is left entire,
The gleanings of an empty heart.

The storms of ruthless dispensation
Have struck my flowery garland numb-

I live in lonely desolation
And wonder when my end will come.

Thus on a naked tree-limb, blasted
By tardy winter's whistling chill,

A single leaf which has outlasted
Its season will be trembling still."

[xiamiam]

19. i woke up before dawn last week and cried over all of this...called a friend who i KNEW would be

sympathetic since he knows the same stuff that we know which IS depressing...he told me to watch cartoons..now im 57 and haven't watched cartoons for years..and when he said it, i thought , well, that is just goofy...i did laugh however throughout the day when i thought of me calling him and crying over my country...and his response...later that evening, i came across an animated film on tv..which i wouldn't have normally watched..but i did..happy feet about a dancing penguin...

moral of the story..take a break from the nonsense if you can..love yourself..go for a walk, or a swim..make yourself do something that makes your heart feel good...because none of us can be effective in the world if we cannot make our own life a little better for just a moment....be kind to yourself and remember, although it is hard to believe, it was worse when no one was reporting any part of the truth and no media was questioning..at least now, some of it is getting out and we are not so very very alone..

most of us here at du know how you feel.we suffer a collective heartache...and its not going to go away until we get our country back...and that is not going to be this week...so take some time away from the news...and the blogs..and all of it....i can guarantee it will all be here waiting for you when you are refreshed and return...

Blessings to you..

[YvonneCa]

20. Are you a veteran...

...blues90?

[blues90]

23. No

I was close to 19 in 1968 and sweated the draft until the lottery came along . I knew I would never be able to go to Vietnam and kill anyone , it was one rough time and I lost a few close friends to that war .

By the time 68 came around I knew without a doubt that war was a lie and knowing I could not kill or go for a lie I was ready to move out of the country . Now I wish I would have if I would have had any indication that we would be in this mess now . It all seems like that was a thousand years ago .

[YvonneCa]

26. Thanks for...

...responding. We are about the same age. I just thought that you might be down because of Veteran's Day. Losing friends to a war, or knowing a veteran can bring back a lot of memories...especially today.

It does seem like 1968 was a thousand years ago...and who would ever have thought we would be in this mess now. I really thought we all had learned the lessons of that war...until Iraq.

I remember how everyone back then really struggled with what their duty was to that war. Some felt a moral obligation to go...others felt just as strong a moral obligation to resist, or made a commitment to something else. I'm sure you made the best decision for you at the time.

You know...many who came back from that war, have said they came back with the feeling that "every day now was extra" and they had a new appreciation for life. We can all serve our country right now just by speaking out and telling our truth. The younger generation needs to hear it...to prevent more bloodshed. We still have 'extra' days. :)

[Gregorian]

22. That's life.

I think your post is so honest. We all have dreams. Some seem to find them, and live them. Some suffer.

I spent nearly my entire life as an underdog. I was the 85 pound kid in high school. I had a father who was a nice man but who didn't know how to care. And for the last fifteen years I have chased a dream that is fading to a dim flicker. Reagan took a toll on my life. The apathy of the average American did too. And you know that show, COPS? That angered me to a red hot rage. I knew where we were heading. We're there.

Remember, we are still living like kings. If you can even eat and be warm, you have more than many. Imagine living in Iraq.

My happiness is conditional. When I get what I want, I am happier than when I don't get it. There are two things going on there. Wanting, and getting. In America right now, if you are intelligent and caring you are wanting and not getting. No wonder a lot of us are upset. I think if you knew the extent, you'd realize that you are far from alone. My 80 year old parents told me that they literally cried when Bush took the oath. And they did so a few times while he was in office. They hate that asshole. Two very well off old people who feel as if everything they worked for is gone.

I am finding that much of how we feel is how we perceive things to be. Not necessarily how they are. Who is to say what tomorrow will bring?

Let me tell you about how things might be changing. This is about me. And it may also be about us, shortly. I think we're just about to see good things happen. I don't mean that we're all going to be happy. I mean we will be able to see a possibility. A dream that can come true. For me, I have spent nearly twenty years yearning for a place to live. I wanted beauty. I bought a fixer upper. But it wasn't right. And moved, and moved, and moved. Each one a big ordeal. Farms, houses, a ranch. I started with nothing. And each one was a financial success, but a failure for my dream. There was a piece of property that I saw at an auction about six years ago. I didn't have the money. After all of these years, it came on the market about two years ago. The price was staggering. So I gave up on it. Two weeks ago I just called the realtor to say how much I'd love a place like it, and if he would keep an eye out for something. He said I could have it for a price. My heart raced. I thought maybe if I was lucky I could have it for what I actually can afford. I made an offer, and they accepted. If I am lucky, it'll be mine in two weeks. Right now I'm pretty much on cloud nine. It's not a perfect place. It has a little of what I don't like. And after all of these years I fully expect some kind of great disappointment. And I also realize that there is more to life. I've learned over the years. My dream has turned into something else. I'm less self-centered. I now care more about community. The world has changed. I've changed. And in two weeks, I fear what could happen. Things are unstable. And even if I get the property I don't know what life has in store for me.

I'm kind of saying that we all depend upon each other. We're here to help each other live a better life than they could live if alone. And that good things do happen. Tomorrow might be a better day. If it isn't, we're here to try and make it a better one.

[Neecy]

24. you put that very well

And good luck with the new property. The only way not to stagnate is to move forward, and given the times that isn't easy to do. Please keep us posted on how it goes.

We truly *do* depend on each other. I remember watching the opening of Shock & Awe with tears rolling down my cheeks. I'd protested the war before it began, but watching this murder - complete with soundtrack of network anchors oooh'ing and ahhh'ing - I knew that despite my efforts this was being done in my name. That day, as well as election night 2004, coming here was truly a source of strength.

I'm reading a book about the fall of the Third Republic in France. Politicians corrupted by big industry money, the right agitating against the Republic for a dictator along the lines of Hitler or Mussolini, a weak and frightened left, the population unrepresented and ignored. Sound familiar? History turns in cycles and this is our challenge. I tend to think we'll meet it, although I never underestimate the ignorance and apathy of the American public. I'll share the blame but not the burden - that belongs to Bush voters. Now I'm just trying to move forward with my life, work for change, and try to find peace where it exists. That's really all we can do.

[Gregorian]

27. I think it takes sustained vigilance and persistence.

Russia is about to have an election. And Putin is saying that he's going to stay on in some capacity, no matter what. Our lousy administration is making waves that are causing trouble all over the world.

Boy, things really are frightening. But that was the point of my post. I spent years wasting my time, hurting myself. There is a reality that we don't see. I don't want to use the word "faith". But it may amount to the same thing.

I was riding my bike yesterday when all of a sudden I had an interesting thought. What if life were like a dream. It seems real. And then we wake up in another reality. Oops, it was something different than what we thought all along.

Sheesh, I am totally wasted. I've been reading planning department documents and timber management plans that are an inch thick. And the bike ride did me in. I think I'm babbling here.

:) It's time to call it a day. And if I am lucky enough to get this place, I'll be posting my excitement on the rural living forum. I think we have one of those here.

[Swamp Rat]

28. "planning department documents"

Oh yeah? I just finished a 16 hour, weekend GIS certification course! Then it's back to thick planning books all week long. :D

[Gregorian]

30. Yuck.

I've always wanted a beautiful place. It looks like I may be getting just that. California has it's Coastal Commission. It's sort of ironic in a way. But I've always valued a beautiful coast. Just go to some areas of Oregon, and there are premanufactured pieces of crap plopped right on the beach. It's elitist of me to be so judgmental, but I do like a modicum of thought and consideration for those who come after. A certain aesthetic sense. Something the conservative mind can't grasp, I think. And here I find myself looking at a piece of land that's in that coastal zone. It's an interesting thing. One that really exemplifies the difference between liberal and conservative thinking. I can't build within 100 feet of certain rare plant species, etc. And even though it's a monumental task, I am glad it is there.

I'm curious what you are doing. Are you a planner? Or just doing the same thing I'm doing?

[Swamp Rat]

31. Sort of

I've changed most of my life ambitions in order to focus on saving New Orleans from without and within. I will have a few grad degrees by the time I'm done. ;)

Corporations touting "new urbanism" are trying to turn my beloved New Orleans into McNew Orleansland.

[Gregorian]

37. Good for you.

I knew that was what they were doing. Within just moments after hearing what was (wasn't) happening, I could see the McNew Orleansland of the future. Sick. Evil.

I'll say this, your act is far more selfless than mine. But still, I can't tell you how much this disturbs me. My life has been comprised of an effort to move away from the clowns who want growth and development. I wish you the best of luck. It's hard to move against the greedy tide.

[BeHereNow]

29. DUDE!!! You need to jam with some fellow musicians!

PM me.
BHN

[Subdivisions]

33. I completely agree. Make some new music yourself, Blues. n/t

[applegrove]

35. Hold on. You are at the height of emotion while the 2008 Presidential

election and thus action is off in the distance. Try spending some time in the lounge when you log on to the DU - to balance out the trauma of Bush still being in power.

[Zodiak]

36. I am younger, so I wasn't around when a lot of the 60's occurred.

The music represents a time that never was to me....an ideal. I suppose that has insulated me a little bit. By the time I knew what was going on, Reagan was already in charge.

For me, death metal and metal in general is therapeutic. It truly is an appropriate soundtrack for what we are going through, and strangely enough, if the music matches the times, then it is bearable and compartmentalized. And if you play...well, playing that music gets those demons out.

When you play like this:




It is hard to be angry and pent-up at the end of the day.

I feel the same forces as you do, and it is horrible to behold. The best thing to do is hold on tight to those you love. After all, they are your immediates. Just find a soundtrack that lets the demons out. At least it makes me feel better.

[LeftHander]

38. Suggestion, for what it is worth...

1. Stop watching all TV and other video media...for 30 days.

2. Look up the nearest Unitarian Universalist church in you area then next sunday go.
Do it for a few weeks.

3. While at home sit in silence and just breathe. For a few hours a day.

I know you will probably laugh or poo poo this idea. But if you do those things...it will change your life...

I think you lost touch with your humanity. It has been poisoned by the media.

You need a humanistic spiritual re-booting...