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jmowreader's Journal
jmowreader's Journal
February 26, 2024

Is "little bastard" an appropriate name for a cat?

At the North Idaho Home for Wayward Cats, the residents name themselves after their personalities have revealed themselves to me.

The first resident is a Siamese who proved himself to be spoiled rotten. His name is Rotten. His name brings joy to all those who hear it.

The second resident is a Tuxedo who sticks to me like glue. Her name is Daddy's Girl.

Cat Three is a very large mostly-white female - looks like about 18 pounds of cat. She isn't a Maine Coon because the markings are all wrong - this cat has a blob of black on her head that'd qualify her to be on the old "cats that look like Hitler" website, tabby ears, tabby tail, pure white everything else. One day Rotten was in the bathroom with me and Cat Three decided to sprawl herself out in the middle of the doorway...and every time Rotten tried to leave the room she took one of those massive paws and whacked him right on the head so he couldn't get out. I finally had to pick Rotten up and lift him over this little menace to get him out of the room. After about the tenth whack I screamed out, "you little bastard, let him out!"

February 26, 2024

Upcoming Trump Postage Stamps revealed

CENTRALIA, PENNSYLVANIA (Spurious News Network) -- Presidents receive many honors in their lives and even after they pass on. One honor is to be depicted on a postage stamp after their deaths.

Even Donald Trump will be so honored.

"Centralia is in Pennsylvania coal country," said Julia Whitfield, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing artist who created a sheet of 25 stamps to honor the former president. "The coal seam it sits on has been on fire since 1962. I couldn't think of a more appropriate place to unveil stamps honoring a president whose administration was the biggest dumpster fire in history."

Interestingly, none of the stamps actually depict Mr. Trump. "I thought about making a stamp with him on it," said Ms. Whitfield. "The orange ink we'd have to print it with is the problem. Orange intaglio ink is hard to control, so we'd wind up with more of a blob than a picture of him. I decided to instead depict things that represent him."

Most of the stamps display pictures of prisons. "I've got the Colorado Supermax, the Georgia State Prison, Sing Sing in New York, the Fulton County Lockup, Leavenworth...just every prison he could have gone to. People who love prison dramas will love these."

There's also a picture of a Big Mac, one that's a pattern of dollar signs, and a still from a movie about them blowing up one of his Atlantic City casinos. "I even put a steak on one of them. I had to stay until two in the morning one night to complete that one and it's the fifteenth steak I tried to paint, because the other people in the office ate the first fourteen. I'm still pretty happy with it."

The stamps have a face value of one cent. When we told her that one-cent stamps are useless, she let out a loud laugh. "That's okay. So was he."

February 26, 2024

MAGA Nation is currently having a collective heart attack

The NASCAR Cup race just ended...and Mexican-born driver Daniel Suarez won by 0.003 seconds.

February 18, 2024

How Trump will raise the money he needs to pay off everyone he owes

1. He will sell one million pairs of Trump Sneakers at $399 per pair.
2. He will sell 550,000 NFTs at $99 per card.
3. He will sell 500,000 bottles of New Trump Cologne For The Manliest of Men (which smells exactly like the "Impression of Chanel No. 5" that is sold in dollar stores) at $299 per bottle.
4. He will sell one million framed 8x10 pictures of Mar-a-Lago with circles and arrows and writing on the back to tell you what they are, for $125 per photo.

That's plan A. When it turns out that he sells less than a thousand pair of sneakers, 250 NFTs, discovers that no "manliest of men" wants to smell like someone who'd buy perfume from a dollar store and the cops stop him from selling evidence photos, plan B is to get Jared Kushner to borrow it from the Saudi Public Investment Fund.

February 15, 2024

Idaho proposes executing child molesters

(Before we start: this is an Idaho Capitol Sun newspaper article, but I linked to it off my own paper's website.)


This is the bill:


The description of conduct that falls under the purview of this bill is explicit enough that no library in the state will legally be able to hold the House Daily Journal it's in.

This sort of bill was declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court in its 2008 Kennedy v Louisiana decision, but bill sponsor Rep. Bruce Skaug, of Nampa, believes the current Supreme Court would overturn that decision with one about this bill should it become law.

The bill passed the House on a 57-11 essentially party-line vote, with Republican Jack Nelsen of Jerome the only supermajority-party member to vote against it. Rep. Nelsen is aware that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a similar law which he believes the Supreme Court should smack down before Idaho spends its money on such an unconstitutional law.

February 13, 2024

"Psychobilly" singer Mojo Nixon dies of "cardiac event" on Outlaw Country Cruise


Mr. Nixon, born Neill Kirby McMillan Jr., is most famed for his novelty hit "Elvis is Everywhere." Some of his other songs included "Don Henley Must Die" and "Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with my Two-Headed Love Child." A fervent NASCAR fan, he had hosted "Manifold Destiny with Mojo Nixon" on SiriusXM in the evenings for many years.

Nixon was also an actor. His movie debut was as drummer James Van Eaton in the Jerry Lee Lewis biopic "Great Balls of Fire."

A statement released says "Passing after a blazing show, a raging night, closing the bar, taking no prisoners
+ a good breakfast with bandmates and friends.
A cardiac event on the Outlaw Country Cruise is about right… & that’s just how he did it."
February 10, 2024

I have made my "who do I want to win the Super Bowl" decision

San Francisco by one touchdown.

It's not because of the Taylor Swift kerfuffle. I'm sorry guys, because as badly as it would wound the Trump supporters to see Ms. Swift's boyfriend make Super Bowl MVP, this is because of something that happened two years ago.

This is what the NFL Combine said about San Francisco's quarterback, Brock Purdy:
Four-year starter who was never able to improve upon a stellar sophomore campaign. Purdy is a burly pocket quarterback who needs a play-action based offense where he can rely on timing over release quickness and arm strength. He can be a confident passer when he finds his rhythm, but throwing is more of a chore than a talent thanks to a labored release. Certain areas of the field will be off limits as he moves up to take on NFL coverage talent. He's a scrappy runner but not dynamic enough to make up for his shortcomings as a passer.

This caused 31 teams to totally blow the guy off, and the 49ers to take him as the very last pick of the 2022 Draft - the player who they call "Mr. Irrelevant." Normally Mr. Irrelevant gets axed in the first round of cuts a team makes during preseason training, but Purdy made it onto the team as a backup quarterback. During the 2022 season injuries forced the Niners to start him in five games, all of which he won. He was promoted to number one on the depth chart for the 2023 campaign; after a very good regular season he beat the Lions in the NFC Championship Game and...here we are: the best quarterback in the NFL going head to head against a guy who barely made it out of the Draft. You realize that if Brock Purdy wins this game they're gonna make a Disney movie about him.

So...give me the Mr. Irrelevant who ain't irrelevant no more with the Vince Lombardi Trophy in his shaking mitts at the end of the day.

February 10, 2024

I have made a command decision about voting to re-elect President Biden

Even if President Biden holds the 52nd Annual World’s Largest Black Mass on the White House lawn in front of every first-grader in the State of Maryland, and the halftime show is a GG Allin tribute band, I will still vote for President Biden. The alternative is the death of America.

Of course, it DOES help that they haven’t even had the first one yet, the thought of there even being a GG Allin tribute band is a concept that boggles the mind and he wouldn’t do it anyway. But if he did, he’s still got my vote. The risk is too high to do otherwise.

February 6, 2024

While I agree with the latest appellate ruling regarding Trump...

I am a bit uneasy as to how they got to this point.

Okay, first things first:


Let's summarize the situation first. In the period between Election Day 2020 and January 6, 2021, the person the late NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt would have described as the "first loser" in the 2020 presidential election performed a number of acts designed to overturn the election and extend his residency in the White House by another term.

Some of them were legal, moral and...to be frank, pretty much expected of anyone who loses an election by a small margin. We will skip over the part about how Mr. Trump's margin of defeat was anything but small; rather, it was larger, by quite a bit, than the total electorate for the first twelve presidential elections combined. For our purposes today, the fact that Trump got absolutely stomped at the ballot box isn't all that critical. He had the perfect right to exercise all legal means to have the election revisited.

The others? Those have him staring straight down the barrels of criminal charges in two different jurisdictions.

The biggest problem Mr. Trump has in both of these trials is his crimes are exceptionally easy to prove. He knows that. His lawyers know that. To quote the great 1980s animated movie "Heavy Metal," the best Trump can hope for in these cases is to get buried in secrecy so his grave don't get violated. Hence, he's taking a novel approach toward both staying out of prison and toward remaining on the 2024 ballot. In the ballot-eligibility cases he is arguing that since he isn't an "officer of the United States" and the word "support" doesn't appear in the presidential oath the Constitutional prohibition against people participating in insurrection holding public office doesn't really apply to him. In the immunity case he argues that all those crimes he's been charged with were part of his official duties so his presidential immunity applies.

In the first instance, one could realistically ask "if the President of the United States is not an officer of the United States, who could possibly be that?" He is, as Mr. Trump normally is, completely wrong about this issue. Mr. Trump argues that only appointed individuals, not elected ones, are officers of the United States. In reality an officer of the United States is a government official who has been delegated part of the sovereign power of this nation - the exact definition of a president.

As to the other, and the reason I'm here today.

Mr. Trump's defense is that all the actions taken in the period in question were part of his official duties as president, which means all of them fall under his grant of presidential immunity.

The court ruled that a president's immunity ends at the moment the next one is sworn in.

The court should have ruled that presidential immunity does not extend to crimes committed in furtherance of his personal affairs. In the year 1974 the government was completely prepared to condemn former President Richard Nixon to federal prison for all the offenses he had committed as part of his re-election campaign until his replacement pardoned him for them all. Mr. Trump has argued that he could "shoot someone on 5th Avenue" - and if he would have done that while in office, the US Marshals Service would have had the perfect right to drag him out of the Oval Office in irons. Presidential Immunity does not mean "I can do whatever the hell I want and there ain't nuttin' ya can do about it, neener neener neener."

February 3, 2024

RNC plans to give Trump "Messiah Test"

COLORADO SPRINGS (Spurious News Service) — Millions of former President Donald J. Trump’s supporters believe the disgraced monarch is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. The Republican National Committee’s new Divinity Research Commission is preparing to find out if that’s true.

“None of us here believe President Trump is the Messiah,” said Joel Higginbotham, commission spokesperson. “However, a lot of Republicans think he is. So we figured, why take chances?”

Mr. Higginbotham explained the steps the DRC will take to test former President Trump’s divinity. “First, we’re going to give him a full-blown Biblical crucifixion complete with scourging and a crown of thorns. After he dies we’ll stick his body in a cave and roll a fifteen-ton rock in front of the opening. At that point, one of three things can happen.

“The first, which is what we expect, is he’ll stay dead. If that happens, we’ll just put Ted Nugent on the ballot in Trump’s place. We know no one will vote for him and that’s fine.

“The second is he’ll be resurrected and ascend to Heaven, which means he won’t be available to run for president. Once again, we’ll run Ted Nugent.

“The third is he’ll be resurrected, stay on Earth and try to run for president again. If that happens, we’ll tell him that he’s Jesus, Jesus was born in Israel, so as a non natural born citizen he can’t run for president…and we’re back to Ted Nugent.”

When we asked Mr. Higginbotham why they had to go to this much trouble instead of just telling Mr. Trump he wasn’t welcome to run for president, the reply was immediate: “We’ve dealt with him before. This is way easier.”

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